semper memento

by hinoiri lwin

will you remember to always remember? —yuunoa—

7. cross my heart and hope to die

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| semper memento |

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her bones break into skeletons, painting white and blood
in this broken and twisted world, she is alone
but he sits there, waiting for her to recoil her steps away
lingering and dreaming of fleeting paradise lost to reality
and yet, she forgets how to breathe and halts into a mere stance
he watches, from the distance, when she loses herself and sinks and dies
his smile is bleeding and blue, and he thinks, he thinks
dead pretty ladies tell no tale, dead pretty lady kisses him goodbye
he laughs then, and grins, and after a while, he too, dies
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you need only tears to fare, so please don't forget to—
always remember to remember?
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---

author's babbling and a little bit warnings:
.the cat's out the bag
.the cat's out the bag
.the cat's out the bag
.that pretty much sums the whole thing up
.and for the love of holy cows and flying pigs
.have you seen chapter 37 yet?
.yamato-sensei is asking for mass suicides
.i'm done
.sure as hell not ready for this shit
.bye *preparing for lots of mikayuunoa moments*

disclaimer:
I do not own owari no seraph. It belongs to Takaya Kagami-sensei and Yamato Yamamoto-sensei! :)

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The sound of cracking bones and splintered joints echoed between the dimly lighted underground. There was a violent hum of screeching iron against raw flesh, followed by desperate cries from the unknown, before came a batch of inhuman shrill; all mixed into one crazed symphony. It lasted for a long, long time, before it stopped into oblivion.

Then suddenly, there was no sound, except screams and screams and more screams.

The boy in red smiled and swung his sword again.

( crack, crack, crack, then crush, crush, crush, before it went boom. boom, he thought, and a moment later silence broke in and there – was – nothing. )

The metal beneath his skin throbbed like hell, his veins running red and hot; just like a burning firecracker. But he did not stop. Still moving, skirting along the splattered wall with trained legs, before he leaped back into his prey—

( or perhaps, preys? )

Hunting.

Blood was hazy and vivid on his deathlike skin, smothering purple and blue among the darkness. The smell of rot and destruction was thick in his nose, almost solid. And yet, he ignored it.

Once more, the berserker raised his stained iron with him, and brought another down in one sweep of a motion. The sickening crunch of bones breaking was like a death march, before it was all screams and more screams again.

( n-n-no no no, they begged. p-p-please spare me, they begged. d-d-don't kill me, they begged. )

He smirked wickedly, spat the blood from his chapped lips, and began to hunt again.

( repeat, repeat, repeat! )

The night was going long.

And the savage party continued to rage on.

---

—semper memento—
always remember

---

"She is precious to me. So damn precious that I don't know what to do anymore.
Losing her, seeing her tears, hearing her cries…. I don't want to experience it ever again."
"I'd never feel this way before,
this strong,
for another people besides Mika and my late family, and I think, I think—no,
I know that I love her more than I thought. More than I like to admit. I love her, I really do."
-

"But I can't tell her. I just…. can't."
"Because everything would change,
and I don't want it, don't want her—us—to change. I want her to stay.
I want her to be happy, to smile without worry, to find….
that little happiness she yearns for.
I want to be there for her…. to stay by her side, to support her,
even if she doesn't see me as something more than a comrade."
"Even if I'm just a friend… and a brother to her, I don't mind. You understand what I mean, don't you?"
-

"I'll do anything for her."
"Even it means I have to hide this troublesome feeling in the process."
-Hyakuya Yuichiro-

---

the seventh memory
[cross my heart and hope to die]

---

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His sleep was only a dent against his heavy days. It was short, and well, fleeting.

Simply fleeting.

His dreamland ended when someone pulled roughly on his leg, sharp pain pierced his senses, and then his muscles were sore all over the place. He groaned, clearly displeased because hell, this must be the most awful wakeup call, ever.

Carefully releasing his arms from the sleeping girl beside him, he stood up from the washout bed with whisper-like sound and gentle movements, afraid of disturbing her, afraid of waking her up.

( afraid of hurting her too, maybe. )

The pine eyed boy stared at her still form, taking in her chalky, alabaster skin and sanguine cheeks. He pursed his lips into a taut line; thinking about how beautiful she was, thinking about how fascinating she was—

—and thinking about how, just a moment ago, he was about to kiss her out of self-control. How he was about to tell her something taboo and was about to break that blurred line of normalcy which drawn between their uncertain days.

How they were about to change, but didn't, because he was such a coward (he was not brave enough) to take the first step.

So it was not a dream, he thought.

He bit the inside of his cheek, hard, and suddenly there was rust and copper inside his mouth, rolling on his tongue easily like foam on water, except it tasted awful, a terrible kind of awful. It tasted bad, bad enough that he had the urge to empty his stomach out.

So it was a blessing (really) that she's still sleeping soundly beside him, curved to his side like a little kitten she was. Because to be honest, to be honest, he didn't know what kind of expression he could pull off to hide the vibrant red from his sweltering face. To hide this intense wanting, from her.

Yuichiro looked down again.

He sighed. Still asleep, thank god.

He blinked his eyes then, sharpening his senses anew to his surroundings. To his surprise it was still dark out there.

What time it is? He thought, wild eyes wandering around. Perhaps a little over midnight? No no, that's impossible. The smiling moon had been there as far as he could recall, a faint, bleary light upon pitch-black canvas. The boy smiled ironically. He knew that sometimes his mind was a little bit warped, a little bit distorted, just like his heart came out to be.

( and this girl beside him had warped it further, twisting it between her fingers as easily as wrecking a paper glass. )

Yuichiro did not trust himself.

He did not trust his sense of time, too. Well, for his defense, he wasn't the brightest person alive, it was Mika. So no, he did not trust his own self.

But then again, how could he not when his mind was the only thing he could count on now?

He stretched, blowing a huge displeased yawn, silvery white mist exited past his parted lips. His sleep felt like a blink of eye, just a count of minutes against infinite time. He was tired, dead tired and coupled with his unusually sour mood, the frown which split his face could nearly be classified into a massive scowl. He was not a morning person by nature, so curse whoever soul who dared to wake him up.

After a few exaggerated yawns and occasional grumbles, the boy turned around, ready to give what-his-face a piece of his mind for waking him up—

( oh no. dammit no. )

—but found Guren (shit) and Shinya (double shit) instead, looking absolutely livid with the image presented before them.

With the image of him and her, all mixed and curled together on a freaking bed.

He froze, eyes gaping wide that his pupils reduced into mere scribbles when he realized what position he'd put himself in. They—Shinoa and him—were practically glued to each other just a moment ago; arms entwined and legs tangled; space between only a breath away.

And both of them had seen it with their own eyes.

Yuichiro was a dead man. Sooner or later, give or take.

Even though they didn't look like it, those two were quite a force to handle when Shinoa's safety and innocence, as Shinya'd put it, was involved.

He was sure as hell that they were going to skewer him al—

Waitwaitwait.

Why the sudden fear? It's not like he was doing something bad, right? He's not at fault here, right? He's just trying to be a decent comrade by cuddling with her, pulling her inside a crushing hug, and kissed her forehead goodnight, right? Right.

( why his reasons didn't sound as reassuring, he didn't know. but at least he'd tried. )

"Oi, Yuu."

Yuichiro cowered, holding his tongue back and unconsciously gulped down a lump of nervousness in his throat. It tasted like hell and destruction, dammit. Of all the people he had to meet first—

He was so, so screwed.

"Y-Yo, G-Guren, S-Shinya-san…." The boy greeted them nervously, battling down the urge to bit his nails off. A bad habit, he knew, but it's not like he could help it, could he? He was facing his death sentence with a pair of demons hot on his tail. Only god knows just what kind of hell they'd reserved for him for touching their precious little sister.

He swallowed, hard. "N-Nice to see you in h-here."

A pregnant pause. Two raised eyebrows. One amused smile, and a deep frown.

Dammit.

Dammit you idiot, Yuichiro swore viciously inside his head. Now he was royally screwed. Everyone knew that he was never pleased when Guren's involved in the picture. This was one shitty situation he could ever hope for. He knew that he was pretty bad with lies, but he didn't expect it to be this bad.

He was so dead.

"What. Are. You. Doing." Guren spelled out each word with enough venom to bring a lesser man down with a series of painful, excruciating tortures. Fortunately, he was not a lesser man. At least, not your ordinary lesser man (he sprouted out wings and tore a freaking crater for god's sake) so he gawked back at him, stuffing his negatives thoughts away into a little corner in his mind.

It's not a time to be afraid, be courageous, you can do it! He encouraged his almost (almost!) depleted spirit.

( at least that's what he told himself while sweating bullets and biting back a groan. in reality, his newfound bravery was wearing thin as time passed by. )

"U-Uh… I'm…. visiting her?" Yuichiro stuttered, obviously nervous and afraid, and also feeling a tad dizzy with all the killing intent aimed at him. He was barely hanging on an almost nonexistent thread for shouting out loud. The stare was too much for him to handle.

"But Yuu-chan," The boy writhed internally when Shinya, with his blue-sky orbs and ivory hair, finally joined the merry party. His eyes were sharp and cold, devoid of any playfulness they'd possessed, and Yuichiro shivered when he caught the usually pleasant man smiling darkly at him. "Visiting Shinoa-chan does not mean that you could sleep in with her, you know?" he said. Or sneered, really.

Either way, his tone was not one bit amiable. More than Guren, that man was scarier when he's mad. Everyday-smiling man had always been that scary, no matter what the situation. And his sister complex probably sit on a whole new level than Guren's. They do have the same surname though, he grimaced.

So, what should he do now?

"U-Uh… I'm—I'm just—"

"You just what? Hmm?"

That's it.

He was digging his own grave by talking alone. The irony. The boy was quite sure that he's officially going to die. What lie could he make up when they were staring at him like he was a piece of raw meat ready to slaughter?

God please help him.

"….. Yuu… -san…?"

Then, time seemed to stop.

All occupants in the small room stilled like a stone, halting their little episode when a soft rustle of fabric and the squeaky sound of metal pierced the tense air. Yuichiro blinked his eyes when a sleepy voice reached his ears. "….is it morning already?"

"S-Shinoa!" Yuichiro exclaimed, relieved, then almost in a verge of tears he pointed at the ghastly pair and said; "T-Tell your scary guardians that I didn't do a thing to you!"

The said guardians, though, spared him no mind as their minds were struck in a loophole, a never-ending loophole. Eyes pinned straight at her lithe figure on the hospital bed, all wide and seeing, they took her in, every little bit of her.

She was the same like before it happened. Cranberry eyes, plum colored hair, small button nose and peach lips. She was pale, almost ghost-like, her ivory skin bordering to translucence but there was rose on her cheeks, blooming beautifully, and her chest, her chest was heaving, her heart beating and she was breathing.

She was—Shinoa was fine. No blood-soaked skin or scars marrying her face. There was no noticeable sign which marked her almost death experience. They were sure that she would never wake up. That she would be that pretty little princess who lied in a glittering glass-box, waiting for her prince to kiss her awake, waiting for her happily ever after. They were so sure.

But here she was, nothing but a flawless porcelain doll. An absolute perfection. For a girl who had been deep in coma for more than a month long, it was unthinkable, a farfetched reality.

It's not supposed to happen.

This was not a fairy tale, after all.

Not all princesses could be woken up by their princes charming.

"Y-You… Shinoa you…..?"

"…S-Shinoa-chan….?"

Yuichiro clamped his mouth shut, eyes moving back and forth, from one person to another. He'd completely, completely forgotten about their current situation. As far as they'd known, Shinoa was in coma, deathly still and sleeping and all that jazz. And to see her eyes opened again, hearing her talk in that familiar voice of hers, seeing her conscious and well, alive, he was sure that it'd put them into a really deep pit of shock.

Their faces were the clear indication they didn't expect her to blink her eyes at them, talking normally as if she weren't in coma just the day before.

This isn't going to be a pretty sight, he thought.

---

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"G-Guren-chusa… Shinya-nii… san…." The girl said quietly after her shock vaporized into thin air. She lowered her gaze, eyes curtained by lilac veil, disallowing herself to look at them right in the eye.

This was not a reunion she'd expected to happen.

She had no word to say. No white lies to make up either.

She was stuck within her own misery, thinking about how she was not ready, not brave enough, to face them head on with nothing but her own heart and bones.

She couldn't do this. She wanted to escape.

( such cowardice, her mind whispered. )

But it was too late.

Shinoa stopped breathing for a moment, speechless, when Guren, in that throaty baritone voice of his, whispered;

"You are awake."

( there was a violent stab inside her chest. a throbbing, stinging wound, because somehow, the words sounded more like, like; - you're alive - in her ears.

and that, was possibly the hardest thing he could've ever said after all these years chasing after the shadow of that girl who-could-have-been-but-gone-in-the-end. )

Shinoa didn't know what to make of that queer remorse reflected inside his orbs, but she supposed that all this time, while waiting for her to open her eyes, he'd been so troubled, so distressed. And maybe, at some point too, he'd remembered a distant memory of a certain someone in the past whose face eerily resembled her own. Whose blood flew within her. Whose smile mirrored her bittersweet one.

Maybe, he'd remembered a girl he'd loved – still loved – so much. Maybe, he'd remembered a love he'd buried deep inside his heart. Maybe, he'd remembered that face he'd loved – still loved, he still loved her, the girl told herself – and yet, wanted to forget, for the pain was too much for his fractured and damaged heart to bear.

( shinoa wanted to cry so badly when she thought about the hell he'd put himself in, while her sister's images flashed across his mind like a glaring heat in the summer. he didn't need another regret, she thought.

didn't need another Mahiru to mourn again. )

Shinoa looked so much like her, didn't she? So much that it almost hurt to not notice.

A spitting image of Mahiru, that she was.

Shinoa was her dead sister's solid ghost. A real life personification of her fading existence. Her smiles and laughs and grins, all bore the sick semblances with that girl buried six feet under. With that girl who died and disappear into nothing.

She loved her sister, she really did, but she hated her even more.

She was sick just like that.

( loving someone always did that to a person, you know? )

Her head began to throb as guilt wormed its way into the depth of her heart. That guilt was familiar, she realized, but the churning of her stomach was foul and revolting. It made her sick. It made her want to vomit so badly.

"Shinoa-chan…." Shinya, who had been quiet for the whole time, murmured her name with so much relief, so much regrets too and Shinoa couldn't help the bitter smile which smeared on her face.

She'd messed up, hadn't she?

"I—" she paused, searching for the right words to convey, and yet found none, so she settled with a simple; "I'm sor—"

"Yuu," she was stopped short when Guren, ice in his voice, said; "Come with me."

His voice sent chills through her body. Her blood ran cold, her throat closing in and out, and she was rendered still, just like that of a broken china.

It's not supposed to be like this, she thought, holding a scream. Not like this.

Shinoa could only watch as Yuichiro blinked his eyes in confusion, before he snapped out of it when Guren's hand started to haul him out the room harshly. "O-Oi Guren! Stop dragging me!" he shouted in discomfort, arms flailing around.

Despite the protests, the man didn't stop, and seconds later they disappeared into the vacant hallways, emptiness lucid on their trails.

For a long, long time, she was silent and unmoving, before the thick, solid block of her perseverance melted into water; leaving her all wide and vulnerable.

Shinoa realized, in some sort of sick resentment, that he did not look back, not even once.

---

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"Shinoa-chan…." Shinya said softly, looking at her with this—this look plastered on his face. A tormented look. A Guilty look. An exact carbon copy of Guren's, she thought mockingly. She really hated it, to cause him pain. But what could she do besides causing pain for those she held dear?

"How do you feel?" he asked, eyes lukewarm and happy, and yet, there was a slight hesitation behind them. "Do you need a doctor?"

"Ah…. Uhm, no – I feel… fine… Shinya-san and I—" Shinoa paused, biting her lower lip hard. The tremble in her voice was getting noticeable as the time went. She didn't want to cause him pain more than she already had. "I – I… N-Nevermind…." she whispered then, averting her gaze away.

The fair haired man smiled softly at her, as though he understood what she was feeling right now, before he pat her head, tenderly, just like he used to in the past. "You know that you don't need to act so formal with me, right?"

"I'm sorry…." Shinoa murmured quietly, shifting her gaze into the clear obsidian sky. She didn't deserve his kindness, she thought. Not after making him gone through such torture. Not after hurting him. "I—I… made everyone worry… Guren- chūsa… he… he doesn't even want to talk to me, does he?" she asked bitterly. "And you too…. Nii-san, I—I'm sorry…."

Shinya smiled again, this time it was more honest, more real as he noted the familiar honorific she used for him.

It'd been a long time since she called him like that.

The man pulled a chair next to her bed and sat down. "Remember when we first met, Shinoa-chan?"

"Huh? I… don't think I remember…." Shinoa trailed off, lost in her own memories. "I…. I – well – you're… there. I don't – I don't know how to say it but – but I feel like you're always been there since the beginning." she whispered, her gaze far, far away to the distance. "Like – you're always, always watching over me."

"That's true." he nodded his head, smiling again. "I guess you can't remember it. You were only a year old after all."

"A year old?" she asked, titling her head.

"Hmm, I was supposed to spend the afternoon with Mahiru in the garden, but she brought you along, her precious little sister." Shinya smiled nostalgically at the distant memory. "I was baffled at first. I didn't have a slightest idea about handling children my age, let alone a frail baby like you." he chuckled softly, mussing up her hair. "My childhood wasn't exactly balloons and sunshine. My parents sold me – for money. I was forced to murder my comrades. I was made a coldblooded killer. It was no wonder I forgot how to enjoy life."

"Shinya-niisan…" Shinoa smiled, a bittersweet kind of smile, before she clasped his digits gently between her smaller ones, as though she were giving him a support, a reassurance, that it's alright now, you don't have to be afraid. Shinya smiled at her subtle kindness and squeezed her hand back in return, giving her a wordless thank you.

"For me, who lived alone only for my own sake, there was no meaning beside to survive and fight." Shinya sighed, his clutch fastened. "But that sunny day…. with blaring heat over our head and damp grass between our feet… and you, laughing in the middle of it…. Without realizing it I—"

( the little girl grinned, looking absolutely pleased before she laughed heartily—again! she said, flailing her tiny hands.

again! she said, giving him another laugh and his heart was—

"…. I was smiling, a honest, little smile." he said, voice whisper-like. "That ordinary day you taught me how to smile from the bottom of my heart for the very first time." he said, a nostalgic expression passed his unguarded face.

—beating and bursting in happiness. and all because of her. )

Shinoa widened her eyes, but he only smiled at her, and continued to talk again.

"You crawled over my place, settling your little body on my lap, just like a puppy." Shinya couldn't help but laugh when he remembered that particular memory. "Mahiru was pouting in the background, muttering about how her baby sister was replacing her easily with some random guy she'd just met." he chuckled, Mahiru's jealous expression was certainly a hilarious sight to bear.

"I did no such thing." Shinoa pouted at him, her cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

"You did, actually." he teased her, looking absolutely smug with the piece of information. "You were so cute back then. Pulling on my hair with your chubby little fingers, and I suppose you even chewed it down at some point." he snorted, remembering his poor little head which covered with slobber. "You're weird as a child you know?" Shinya dipped down just in time to dodge a flying pillow aimed at his head. "Hey~ No violence Shinoa-chan~"

"You're trying to embarrass me." she grumbled low under her breath, clutching yet another pillow, ready to launch it off to his direction.

"No I'm not~ Just saying the truth, Imouto-chan." he grinned at her, unafraid. "You're truly a remarkable child, you know?" he whispered, looking at her but at the same time he wasn't, for he was searching for her past self within her eyes. "When I smiled at you, you frowned at me. I smiled again, more cheerful, brighter than before, because it was all I was good at, and yet you frowned even deeper, slapped my cheeks—"

"I what?" she cut him over, gaping in disbelief.

"Slapped my cheeks." he gave her a sly smirk. "Don't worry Shinoa-chan~ You barely hurt me." he grinned down at her, his lips quirked up, forming a wide grin, a happy kind of grin she missed. "You did slap me, multiple times, if I may add. And at some point, I think you got frustrated and began to rant at me….."

( no! the little girl pouted, her palm landed itself on his face, before she shouted a loud; smile!

he did smile, but shinoa pouted again, her eyes flickered in what could have been annoyance, and began pinching his cheeks with her pudgy little fingers, screeching smile! smile! smile! all the way round )

The silver haired man smiled when that particular memory flashed across his mind. It'd been forever, and forever was a very long time; fourteen years to be exact, yet he could remember it all over again like it was yesterday.

"Thank you, Shinoa-chan…" Shinya said, patting her head again, then; "….and I'm sorry."

Shinoa blinked her eyes. "For what?"

"For leaving you all alone." he sighed bitterly. "For not being there when you needed me the most."

( morning had been grave that year. smoky and blurry, just a touch of monochrome and a little bit crimson over battered sky and ruined earth. a girl was crying between it all, begging for salvation, begging to be saved. take me take me take me too, she cried. don't leave me behind, she cried.

please stop don't go stay stay stay, she cried. )

"Nii-san…." Shinoa whispered, looking at the man in worry. She didn't want to see this side of him. This regretful man was not her older brother. She refused to see him mourning for a fault he did not possess, to see him lamenting for a normal childhood she couldn't have. She wanted him to smile, to laugh, to be happy, to be Shinya-niisan and not another remorseful Guren.

Not her important person again, please.

"We…. forgot the most important thing when we were busy fighting our war." Shinya whispered. "I told myself over and over that we were protecting you, keeping you safe, because it's not yours to fight, it was ours—but it was not the case, was it?" he chuckled bitterly. Raking a hand between his silvery white tresses, he thought about how everything had gone so wrong, how he'd failed to protect a person he held dear, and all because his warped sense of protection.

Even though protection had always been different for each person.

For him – for them – the cowards – protection had meant leaving her behind to deal with her grief and pain alone. Away from war. Away from deaths. Protection had meant pushing her aside before the safe line, keeping her unharmed when they'd been busy convincing themselves that they were doing the right things, when they weren't. They weren't.

Shinya regretted everything. The feeling was thick and solid enough to make him squirm. But it didn't burn like guilt did, didn't scorch like anger did, didn't hurt like pain did. He was numb, there was no feeling and he, Shinya supposed to feel something, but he didn't.

But maybe, it's just him.

Regret was different for everyone, after all.

And for Shinya, regret was; not being there when he should have, not being there when he could have, and not being there when he had the chance.

He regretted it, leaving her all alone, broken and battered.

He truly did, but nothing could change that fact now.

Nothing.

"We were… we were just making up excuses. In the end, you're the one who got left behind, you're the most hurt, the most broken among us. Even if you don't have our battle scars, I know you've enough grief for the past years." Shinya shoot her a bitter look, his sky-eyes darkened into molten blue. "Your scars are hidden deep within yourself, aren't they?"

The girl shook her head, tears already pricking the corner of her eyes. She did not want this. Not this again. "I'm not—"

"I'm sorry, Shinoa-chan." he curled a strained smile, and without waiting for her answer he said; "I really am."

"You don't have to apologize." Shinoa sighed, tired with everyone apologizing to her for something they could not even control. She was sick from getting apologizes she did not deserve. "You've done the best, I know that."

"You're wrong—I'm just a coward, no – not just me, both Guren and I." Shinya smiled wryly. "To think that we left you that time… sorry is not enough, isn't it?"

"I don't blame you." she said softly. "I really don't."

"I know." he smiled, though a little bit strained. "But in the end, the only one who saved you was him, right?"

Shinoa frowned, knitting her eyebrows together, just who he was talki—Oh, oh.

"He's a good boy, Shinoa-chan." he said, running his fingers through her silken silk hair. "A little bit stubborn, and also a hotheaded, but kind nevertheless."

"I know." she whispered, softly, because it was so true. That boy was too kind for his own good. It was almost sickening, almost repulsing. He was too honest, too ingenuous and stupidly brave for a broken boy that he was.

Sometimes she admired this side of him, but sometimes too, she hated his compassion the most.

Because it could kill him, his limitless benevolence.

And Shinoa didn't want that to happen.

"He's strong," The man continued, and she nodded because it's true too. Yuichiro was strong. "—even stronger than most of us."

Another dulcet smile appeared on her face, and she let out another soft; "I know..."

Shinya smiled, mirroring her own. "He cares about you more than he cares about himself."

"I… know." Yes he did. He was always like that, worrying over others even when he was hurting, even when he was in the brink of death himself. And for her, that stupid boy was always trying to lift her pain away, always trying to fight her wars, always, always taking every stab, every punch meant for her.

Sometimes she wondered why he would go that far for her. She was not worth protecting, not worth saving, so why he was so desperate to keep her by his side? Why went through all those troubles to save her?

Why he cared so much about her? Why?

"He loves you."

"I kn—"

Waitaminute.

Shinoa stopped in midsentence, her brain busy processing his words before she snapped out of it, jaws hanging. "Wait, what?!"

"He loves you. As in he's in love with you." The man smiled slyly at her, egging her on. "He looks like a love sick puppy, really."

"W-What are you s-saying Nii-san!" she laughed nervously, taking the bait she waved her hand in front of her reddening face. "I-It's i-impossible! Y-You're j-joking right? Right?" she hid a grimace when the last word sounded more desperate than she liked it to be.

"I'm serious." Shinya deadpanned. "It's obvious, you know?"

"E-Eh?" The girl cupped her cheeks, trying to hide her blush away. How could he talk about such a thing like it was nothing?!

"Sooo~" Shinya deliberately elongated the word just to get more reaction from her. "Ne, Shinoa-chan, can I beat him up now?" he asked cheekily, giving her a conspicuous wink.

"H-Huh? W-Why?" she looked at him, incredulous expression plastered on her face.

Shinya titled his head in mock confusion, pouting cutely at her. "It's big brother's job to scare their little sister's boyfriend away, isn't it?"

"H-He's not my boyfriend!" she shrieked, literally shrieked with a face so red that it almost rivaled a tomato. "T-That's–that's—!"

"Ah-ha." he grinned, poking her flushing cheek, "Looks like you like him a lot, too. Should big brother get jealous?" he teased.

"W-W-What a-are you—" Shinoa inhaled sharply, biting her tongue from embarrassing her further. "Forget it…. I don't want to know anymore…." she muttered under her breath and pressed her body deep into the squishy material beneath her, as though she was trying to sink into it, before she pulled her whitewash blanked with a jerk of hand over her form. "Go away Nii-san!"

"You're blushing!" he poked again, moving closer to her side. "Shinoa-chan is blushing!"

"I do not!" she denied hotly, sticking one arm from her manmade cocoon to battle his hand off. "Go awayyyy!"

"You're blushing~" he grinned treacherously, catching her hand in his, and kept it there. "Wait until I told Guren about this~"

"Until you what?" The girl emerged from her hideout, feeling totally betrayed by her (ex) partner in crime that she forgot about her earlier plan to ignore the annoying-but-lovable man. "Shinya-niisan!" she exclaimed, scandalized.

"Ahahaha~"

"Go away, Nii-san. You're annoying."

"Aw~ You're being cruel!" Shinya pouted, tugging on her blanket. "I just want to know him better, you know?"

She muttered a few incoherent words and kicked him on the side. "You liar."

"I'm not~" he laughed cheerfully, and then; "Na Shinoa-chan, do you think he is afraid of bugs? Or reptiles in particular? Or maybe hairy animals, like spider, perhaps? I have a few amazing collections of them back home and I can't wait to show him."

Shinoa groaned, why her brother could be such a weird combination of sadist-masochist sometimes?

It was going to be a long day, a really long one, but either way—

( thank you a lot, Shinya-niisan )

"Ne, Shinoa-chan, are you listening to me?"

Okay, she was starting to change her mind again.

"No I'm not. Now go away."

And they spent the time like this; Shinya babbling about his (ridiculous) big brother's rights, Shinoa ignoring him (most of the times), and they arguing over his (not really that) cruel plans regarding that not-boyfriend of hers.

For once in a long time, Shinoa felt at peace.

---

.

.

.

"…..the hell are you talking about?"

"You broke it out." Guren snapped, leaning back to the wall behind him, massaging his sore forehead. "The information, stupid. I can't believe you, foolish child. How could you even forget to keep that big mouth of yours shut?"

"I said," Yuichiro gritted his teeth, baring his sharp canines out. He was angry and hurt of the blind accusation aimed at him, did he not trust him at all? "What the hell are you talking about? I swear to god I didn't tell anyone! Do you think I'm stupid enough to endanger her wellbeing?" he spat, eyebrows knitting in disbelief and disgust.

The violet eyed man held his tongue, weaving silence between them. For a long time, there was no sound. No one was talking, no one was moving, and Guren watched him from the corner of his eyes, contemplating.

"Are you saying the truth?"

"Of course I am." Yuichiro deadpanned, quite taken by the distrust within his voice. "Why I need to lie anyway?"

"Then who?" Guren mumbled, more to himself than the boy, and combed a hand through his messy mop of hair.

"Who what?" he raised his brow. "Stop talking in riddles dammit! Just spill everything out!"

"Someone told the damned Hiiragi about her, okay?" The lieutenant colonel dropped the bomb, watching, as the boy's eyes widened in shock. Definitely not a liar's reaction, he thought. It looked like he was saying the truth after all.

"Who?" he asked blankly.

"I don't know." The phase; I thought it's you, was left unsaid. "And now her life is in danger."

"What do you mean by that?" Yuichiro hissed, dangerously.

"I meant what I said. Her life is in danger. She's not normal either, Yuu. And she's—"

"I know." Yuichiro cut him off. "I know, okay? I know that she's not fully human and all that shit. And about you and her sister and – and those Hiiragi bastards… I know it all."

"…..she told you."

"Yes." he pursed his lips tight, eyes burning cold. "Shinoa told me, so you don't have to fucking filter your words anymore. I'm tired of lies, Guren. Just give me the truth now."

The man was silent, before he puffed out a sigh. "Fine, you brat." he grumbled in annoyance. "They are planning to… make use of her again." a pause, and then; "To make her as their potential human source."

"You mean as their human guinea pig." he spat in disgust, throwing his head to the side, hiding his hatred.

"That." the man agreed, grimacing. "And it won't be good for her. She could d—"

A crackle. And then, there was silence. Yuichiro titled his head in confusion. Why was Guren looking at him like that?

His answer came with a name he knew so well.

"…..Shinoa."

Shinoa.

His heart dropped into his stomach at the sound of her name. Forcing his numb body to turn around, he found her by the door, her hands hanging limply by her side, eyes deathly hollow and posture rigid. It wasn't a sight to see. It was like seeing a broken, fractured glass. All ragged and sharp along the edges.

He hated that look upon her face, so, so much, that it made him sick.

"S-Sorry…" he watched her gripped the knob until her knuckles turned white. "I—I'm just—"

"Y-You—Since when…?"

Guren wide eyes were giving him the chills.

It's like she wasn't supposed to hear any of this. Like whatever they were talking about, was taboo for her. Like he'd said something unforgivable. Like he was guilty.

But Guren did not feel guilt, and even he did, he won't show it. Not to him, and especially not to her.

( how true, that was )

"The beginning." Shinoa broke the silence with her weak whisper, hiding her eyes beneath dull lavender curtain.

"How much did you hear?" The man asked again, voice unnaturally hoarse.

"Enough." she said. "Enough to understand."

A rasp in her voice. She sounded like broken glass, shattering broken glass, and he thought that it didn't suit her. Not a bit. Because Shinoa was a shout of life among his monochrome world. She supposed to be the tough one, supposed to be the one who endure, with cliche smile and burning eyes plastered on her face. She supposed to be the strong one.

( supposed to be, was a very, very ambiguous phrase. )

But here she was, bowing her head low, refusing to catch his worried eyes, and Yuichiro didn't know what to say – to do – to erase her pain away, far, far away.

But what was pain when they lived in such a broken world?

The boy began to draw his steps, feet clanking on the tiled floor, before he stopped right before her.

Then, the next ten seconds was a blur, his movements seemed like a mere blink of an eye. He wrenched her trembling hands harshly, and curled his fingers between hers, his palm enclasping her own. Pulling her into him, he lifted her up, holding her much smaller body snugly inside his arms in a princess-like cradle.

"W-Wait Yuu-san—!"

The boy ignored her cry of surprise—

And broke into a run.

---

.

.

.

Shinoa was a patient girl.

She had known to wait and wait and wait since she was a child. A lot of people had left her alone, promised her to come back and take her away (from the raging wars, from the bloodied ground and corpses between her feet), yet in the end—

—in the end they never came.

( remember me, mahiru-oneesama? )

Shinoa was a patient girl.

She understood pain. She also knew how to endure the said pain.

And she knew how to smile when it hurt the most. She knew how to laugh her tears away. How to hide the gaping wound. She knew how to make herself invisible to others. She knew how to conceal herself so no one could ever see past her perfect mask.

( i'm fine, she said, faking a smile. i'm always fine. )

Shinoa was a patient girl.

She had learnt how to nod herself at every sweet promise, every pretty lie, without taking any of it by heart.

Because they always left her alone and broken, the promises, she'd learnt to not let anybody in. Even when it was lonely. Even when she needed someone by her side. Even when it hurt. She decided not to trust anybody else. Not anymore.

( i'm sorry, so, so sorry. )

Shinoa was a patient girl.

She understood that life could be hard. She understood that people could be forgotten easily. But what she couldn't understand was why it happened to her. Why she was forgotten? Why she was left behind? She was a good girl, right? She had been such a good, patient girl so why won't they tell her the truth?

She'd wanted to give up, sometimes in the past. To just let go and disappear.

But then—but then he'd come to her life. Running past her thick locked door like an uninvited, rude guest he was.

( so thank you, he said; thank you so much but please don't say something as careless like that anymore, you're worth it. you really do. how could he say such a thing, when i was about to give up? when i was about to throw my life away? when i was about to stop dreaming and let everything go? )

He'd changed her, that stupid, kind boy. He'd saved her. Patched her up. He'd fixed her.

And she—Shinoa, had been happy.

But now, when she finally had that little happiness she yearned for, when she finally had someone to love with everything she had, this cruel, cruel world took it away from her like it did her sister. Snatched it away into a place she couldn't reach and left her crying over the broken pieces she could never fix.

Shinoa was a patient girl, but she was also such, such a miserable girl.

"….stop." she whispered then, clawing on the fabric of his shirt. "Please stop…."

"I won't." The boy replied, his grip tightened even more that she was afraid it would leave ugly bruises upon her flawless skin. His steps did not falter, and her mouth coiled, painting blue and purple between her chapped lips. It was cold. Everything was cold.

The wind was harsh and ruthless, slapping and shearing through her face and body like shard of glass. But it was the bitter cold which snipping on her exposed arms and legs that bothered her the most. It made the hairs on her skin stood, sweeping past her sensitive skin like a bunch of cyclones in dark, rainy days.

Shinoa always hated cold. It reminded her of something she rather forgot.

Yuichiro didn't stop, though.

Still running (away). And the scathing glaze still lingered within every inch of her.

Shinoa watched him from the corner of her eyes, giving him a look, a begging look. A look of; Please stop running? Or maybe a look of; Stop running away? Because she's tired, so, so tired to run. She didn't want to run anymore.

Shinoa's tired of running.

He shook his head in response.

"I won't stop before you do. You need to stop. And smile—" a single pause, "You need to smile, too."

"I can't." she said quietly in response, burying her face deep into his chest, seeking warmth. Or hiding. She had always been one prone to hiding. "You know I can't. The fake one, I can do that but the real—" she choked on her own words, shaking her head weakly. "The real one, I can't pull it off right now. It's too hard, to smile when you don't mean it."

"Then don't." he thinned his lips into a tight line, harsh streak across his jaws. "I don't need your fake smile. But I don't need your tears too, so stop crying." he said, and for a moment there Shinoa thought he sounded like he was begging her not to cry.

Begging her not to give up too, perhaps. But maybe it's just her little daydream clouding her mind.

( Shinoa had given up her dream since a long time ago, though. )

"Stop crying, I hate seeing your tears." he muttered, and she pressed her ear near the place where his heart hung, feeling his chest rumbling in harmony following the rhythm of his short breath. Heartbeats, she thought fondly, a sign of his existence. A proof that he was alive and breathing.

( a proof that he wasn't going to leave her all alone in this twisted world, like her sister did. )

Shinoa didn't know for sure, though, whether it was his heartbeats or not. It could be her imagination for all she cared. But she liked the sound.

The steady beats were reassuring, comforting. It made her calm and serene. It made her feel safe.

How it made her safe.

It'd been such a long time since she felt this helpless, this open, this vulnerable. The feeling was foreign enough to make her tears fell even more, swiftly and continuously, the batch of fat, crystal beads rinsing her eyelashes down her chin like waterfall.

"Oi." The boy groaned. "I told you to stop crying. You know how much I hate seeing you cry."

"I hate it too…. But I can't stop…" Shinoa murmured after a few hiccups, wiping her wet, flushed cheeks with the back of her hand, smearing the salty tears between her quivering lips. She dipped in the liquid, expecting the familiar taste of crisp salt. But somehow, it tasted like mint instead.

Mint, just like his smell.

Shinoa wondered if he tasted the same, too.

Like mint, and perhaps, blood.

He reeked blood too. But it wasn't a wonder. Not that surprising, at least. She supposed, blood was stronger than any flavors could ever be. Because she could still remember the taste, relishing the rust and steel between her teeth like it was yesterday. Her hands had never been clean from that particular sticky, warm substance. Be it her enemies or allies, blood was always there, cleansing her red. And she supposed too, the taste would always linger in the back of her throat forever.

Blood was always been that unforgettable.

Yet sometimes, even she forgot the taste, forgot the feel, and gone numb in the process.

Killing always did that to a person, she thought despairingly.

( and she was not an exception. )

"Don't make that face again." he broke the silence.

"What kind of face?" she bit back, snapping out from her blurry daydream. Her voice was ragged and hoarse, crippled on the edges, just like a jagged shiv. Her hands clenched and unclenched, creating wrinkles on the fabric of his clothes.

"Broken face." Yuichiro mumbled, his movement slowed down for a moment before he picked it up once more, feet thumping loudly on the tiled floor. "Shattered face. Crushed face. Take your pick. You look like you've given up completely." he paused, and caught her eyes for a fleeting moment, green eyes and raven locks blurring into one. "Like you've had enough." he whispered, shifting his eyes to the road again.

Shinoa laughed bitterly, and the sound rattled her own heart down to the core. Tearing it down, bit by bit, leaving it rumpled at the bottom of her rib cage, nothing but a mere lump of bloodied, mangled flesh. How cruel could he be, saying such a thing to this broken her? "You have good eyes." she grinned, a strained little grin before she closed her tangerine eyes.

Yuichiro didn't say a thing, still running and eyes focused on the long, narrow hallway. Silence came in between, tearing down her defenseless walls and she welcomed it with open arms. The raw wind and biting cold, she welcomed them too, because what else she could do besides to back down and accept everything?

Nothing, that was.

"Open your eyes." he said after minutes of stillness. "We're here."

The girl did as she told, cracking her sore eyelids slowly, and reluctantly, to find starlit sky spread wide and clear before her.

Glittering pearly diamonds hung upon smooth black canvas, drawing white and twinkles around the yellowed moon. The vast canopy spread still with constellations dusting its barren surface. It was just like a splash of vivid color on dark, impenetrable darkness. A glaring, sterling hue of mercury and argent among monochrome sky. One stroke at a time, the silver ashes scattered over vast cosmic ocean in irregular, angry streaks.

Messy and wild, she thought. Every line, every curve, every drop and shape and phase was nothing but a mere glittering fleck against absolute dusk. Crazed lines and chaotic dots, thousands space dust littering all over the sky.

It was madness. It was lunacy.

But it was beautiful.

"W-What is this…?" Shinoa blinked her eyes in amazement, taking in the exquisite view in front of her with hungry eyes. Her cheeks were flushed red and hair flapping in all directions with the raging wind.

"I always come here when I need to think." The boy began, his expression softened, the hard lines upon his face ruptured as he watched her wide, all seeing eyes. His orbs glued on her pale form for a long time, before his vision strayed. Sweeping through the abandoned rooftop with gentle, nostalgic eyes, he smiled, settling her down to her own feet. "It's a good place." he whispered.

"It's beautiful." she murmured quietly, walking to the fenced edge with even steps. She stopped when the end was near, entangling her fingers between the wire hedge. "I'm surprised that you know a place like this."

"This is my secret place." Yuichiro followed her, settling himself behind her smaller build and put his palm on her head. "And now, it's yours too." he added, curling a smile.

"H-Huh?" The girl ducked her head in slight embarrassment, turning around just in time to catch his serene expression. She blushed, crimson hue against pale cheeks. "M-Mine?"

"Yeah." Yuichiro nodded, eyes staring off to the distance. "I want to show you this place." he closed his beautiful pair of emerald orbs to open them again. Straightening his back, he let white smoke exited his mouth. "Even though it sounds stupid, I really want you to see this place." he positioned himself right beside her, basking in the pale moonlight as his hair flew softly by the wind.

"….why?" she murmured, unconsciously moving closer to his side.

"Because it helps me." he said, shrugging his shoulders. "It always does. So I hope it would be the same with you."

Shinoa quieted down, lacing her fingers together and sighed. "It can't help me."

Yuichiro stared at her for a while, and mumbled, his disappointment tangible enough for her to touch. "Though so..."

"Not now." she said, sighing again. She'd sighed an awfully lot today. "And—never will, I think." she added after a second, rasp in her wobbly voice.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just—dunno, hoping that – it will?" he said, blowing his bangs off his greenish aqua orbs. "And I - don't—well, you're not exactly that… predictable but it's… good, to hope, I mean. It's never that, uh, pointless, you know?"

"It is pointless for me." she muttered, shifting her gaze to glittering milky ways above her. "You don't expect me to hope, to dream again after all this time, do you?"

The light in his eyes diminished, a small, dying flame trying to keep burning. He gripped her upper arm, forcing her to face him. "And you expect me to just let it go?" he asked, harsh and bitter, because he knew she wasn't this weak when he met her for the first time. Not this powerless. "To forget everything and move on with live? Do you?"

Shinoa smiled, a painfully sweet smile. Her smile was fragile, weak. "No." she said, "But you should."

"You're such a cruel person, aren't you, Shinoa?" he laughed bitterly. "You told me to forget about revenge, to continue on with life, and yet you are the one who take the easy way." he lowered his gaze, dark eyelashes kissing his cheeks. "Who choose to give up."

"Yes. I am a cruel person." Her smile was still there, beautiful, and yet haunting. "A hypocrite. A girl who can't hold her promise. A girl who had given her dreams up. Such a cruel, horrible girl."

Then, it was suddenly still.

He wanted to agree with her. Because she was such a horrible girl for doing this to him. For making him this powerless, this weak, for god's sake she wrecked him without even trying. Smile and cry and scream, and he would be there, by her side, picking up the broken pieces for her over and over again.

He'd never been this weak. He was a fighter. He'd always been a fighter; a flame which couldn't be diminished; a blazing storm and buoyant fire between darkening days. He was strong. He was.

But now that she came into the picture, he was reduced into nothing but a bumbling idiot.

"You," he broke the silence. "You are a cruel girl. A horrible girl." he said, chuckling hoarsely. "But You're also the girl who gave me family." he paused, "The girl who loves cheese with all her might. The girl who loves to tease me and got angry when I insulted her height. The girl who smiled at me even when she was hurting."

A breath and a heartbeat, and then;

"The girl who means so much to me, do you think I will ever forget?" he asked, tremors in his voice. "Because I won't. Even if I die, I won't."

"No…." she whispered, lowering her gaze to her clenched palms. "Please, don't do this…"

"I'm just saying the truth."

"But I'm going to die!" Shinoa screamed. There was pain in her voice and ice in her veins. "You heard him. They are going to use me again. It's… It's the same like being dead. Sooner or later I'm not going to be here anymore. To stand by your side… I can't… not… anymore…." she shook her head.

"Stop talking like that!" Yuichiro raised his voice a little, and there was so much hate, so much abhorrence that the girl drew back in surprise, eyes widening like gaping holes. Flinching in guilt, he toned down his thumping heart. He didn't mean to scare her. Didn't mean to make her remember bad memories too.

"Sorry." he mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I—just… sorry…"

Silence fell between them. She did not say a thing in response. Not a thing.

And his heart broke a little.

(crack, crack, crack it screamed )

---

.

.

.

"She heard everything?"

"Yes."

"All of it?"

"I guess."

"Where were you? Why didn't you stop her?"

"Why should I?" Shinya bit back, closing his slanted cornflower-blue eyes, heaving a tired sigh. "She has enough lies to last for a lifetime already."

"Some lies wouldn't hurt." The raven crowned man frowned. "You're just making everything worse."

"Am I, Guren?" Shinya smiled in response, drawing a sophisticated line upon his wan lips. "I just want the best for her."

The man raised an eyebrow, a mocking sneer plastered on his face. Guren hated liars. But he hated hypocrites the most. "Even it means hurting her?"

"Yes." Shinya didn't hesitate to nod his head. "Even it means hurting her."

Silence was drawn between them, a prolonged, excruciating lull, before Guren chuckled, all hysteric and mad and uncontrollable.

It was a madman's laugh. A lunatic's laugh.

A fractured-damaged-shattered-broken-broken man's laugh.

"….you're the same." Guren grinned, flicking his inky-black hair from his eyes, sharp canines glinting sharply under the pasty and bloodless moonlight. His eyes were scorching and burnish red against his eyelids. He didn't know why but they felt hot all of sudden.

His heart too, felt hot and tight and burn all of sudden.

The ivory haired man tipped his head to the side, still smiling. His smile was almost hurt, almost fake. Guren hated that smile.

"Like Mahiru?" Shinya said after a moment, and his smile faded just a bit.

"Like Mahiru." Guren agreed, bile rising in his throat. "Hiiragi family is a scary bunch, huh?"

"Ahaha, what are you talking about, Guren?" Shinya laughed, and not playful, Guren noticed, not playful but sharp and hard and all edgy and it was not, not his laugh. An impostor's laugh. Stranger's laugh. "More than me, you are the one who hurt her the most."

Guren touched his chest. There was a throbbing ache beneath his palm and he thought he heard a shattering sound. Whether it was shattering glass, or his shattering heart, he couldn't tell.

But god, it fucking hurt.

( you're always been the one who hurt me over and over again, Guren. and i you. we have this tendency to hurt each other. to break each other.

because you know? it takes two to commit sins. never one. never alone. )

"...see? The same." Guren smiled ironically, noting the painful resemblance between him and that girl who-could-have-been-but-gone-in-the-end. Between him and the girl who died by his own hands. Too similar, he thought. "You sound just like her. Exactly like her."

Shinya pressed his lips together. "Perhaps. But I don't have a choice, do I? She is my sister too."

"What are you trying to say, Shinya?" he asked.

"You know, Guren. I know you know." The man began, his eyes hardened into deep azure. "The day she died, by your—no, our hands," he paused, gulping down a knot which formed behind his throat. "I promised myself – and you – that I will help you to take care of her, to protect her. Because Mahiru left Shinoa in your care. She trusted you, Guren. She trusted you her precious little sister, but what have you done besides making her feel like she's not supposed to exist?"

Guren bit his lip, tasting the sharp metallic tang and rot on his tongue. The taste was revolting. "I don't—"

"She doesn't need more lies." Shinya repeated, his tone mellowed into flaccid whisper. "Lies hurt, Guren. I'm sure you know this more than anyone."

"It's for the best." he said stubbornly.

"For the best, or for your own self?" he shot back, all sky-eyes and pale-frown and Guren staggered back in surprise at how much the words bothered him. It made his insides stirred around, like he was being strapped on spinning wheel, and it hurt.

It made him want to vomit so badly because of how true they were.

"Shut up." he rasped, slapped a palm over his quivering mouth and bit back the tempting (so, so tempting) urge to empty his stomach out right here, and then. "Just… just shut the hell up."

The man sighed, turned back on his heel, and walked away. And Guren, Guren did not stop him from leaving.

( he supposed to stop him, though. but like always, he didn't. )

"You know," Guren froze when he whispered, his board back to him. "I – Guren….. They won't… stop. They would – never, ever – stop, and neither you nor I, in this present – our present – has enough strength to keep her safe from them – from him. It'll be like eight years ago all over again. Same scenario, same story and I—I…."

Guren watched, in some sick fascination when his friend's (was he a friend?) steps faltered, his pale hand hovering only an inch over the steel handle, ready to whisk away, ready to let go.

He did not wrench his eyes, however.

"Whenever I saw Shinoa-chan and Yuu….."

Guren held his breath, body stock-still against the wall behind him, and began to shake.

"….I saw you and Mahiru instead."

Shinya shot him a glance over his shoulder and caught his pair of cloudy violet eyes for a moment. Guren still held his breath. Still shaking.

The tremors which shook his body did not stop.

"….so please," Shinya begged, voice merely a soft whisper in the air, "Please don't make the same mistakes again."

And with that, the door slammed shut, and when there was no more silvery white hair in the distance, Guren tried not to think. He dared not to think. About her. About the girl who-could-have-been-but-gone because it hurt. It was better to forget.

Because that girl (woman, guren, a woman, not a girl anymore; she was a woman in the end) always left a horrible throb in his damaged heart whenever he remembered her by.

But as always, he couldn't help it, so he let himself drown in her smiles and her laughs and her eyes.

And drown.

And drown.

( sank, sank, sank, sank down the ocean's deep worth of thousand memories. he let himself sank. he did not surface.

he'd never learnt to swim in the first place and he had no strength to breathe anyway. )

---

.

.

.

Yuichiro watched as she pressed her hand together, fingers entwined, her body shivering lightly. The night had long gone, disappearing over the reddish blue eastern sky in palette of colors. It's almost morning now, he noticed, perhaps a few hours until dawn. The air around him was humid and burning ice, morning dews plump and glittery along the frail-looking hedge in front of them.

From the corner of his eyes, he saw her mouth began to move, perhaps sighing, as silvery white smokes exited her paling lips. Her unkempt, but still beautiful hair was fanning out around her like a halo, drifting by the lulling wind. Her cheeks were sanguine, all red and stuffy because of the cold. She made such a contrast with her surrounding, ashen to black, she stood out like a sore thumb.

But despite it all, the only thing he could think about was she's cold and how to make her warm again. So he pulled down the zipper of his jacket he'd forgotten wearing, and tugged the dark material off, before he draped it over her shaking shoulders swiftly in one sweep of motion.

"Y-Yuu-san…?" The girl blinked repeatedly, eyes flashing confusion. "W-What are you…?"

"Wear it." he ordered, retracting his hands from staying longer than it should have. "I know how much you hate cold."

"I—I don't need it." Shinoa said stubbornly, giving the cloth back to its owner, frowning. "It's… yours. You wear it."

"Why you—" Yuichiro grinded his teeth, a cackling sound resounded within his mouth. He pushed the jacket back into her arms, cursing her persistence just a bit. Sometimes she was too stubborn for her own good. "Just wear it, okay? Stop being such a—"

"I said I don't need it!" she snapped back at him, pushing the fabric to his chest. "I… don't need it." she whispered, hiding her eyes from his scorching ones, biting down her lip until it turned red. She looked down, her head dropped to the harsh concrete below, ashen hair falling across her shoulders like waterfall.

Something inside him (perhaps his heart?) snapped in halves when he saw her like this.

Sad, sorrowful, miserable—it didn't suit her.

She looked so broken that it hurt.

"Why are you—" Yuichiro paused, catching shallow breaths to fill his void lungs. "—always, always trying to shoulder everything alone? I'm—I'm here, aren't I, Shinoa?" he said, almost desperate. Almost. "Right here. Beside you. I have always been here but why can't you see me?"

Shinoa flinched, gulping down a mouthful of bitterness down her closing throat. Her eyes were set on fire, hot and sizzling through her veins; but she refused to cry. The temptation to say something, something decent and not another stupid I don't know, was hard to ignore too; but she refused to back down, stilling her own tongue frozen.

She couldn't break now, not now.

"Answer me." he demanded. "Shinoa."

"I—" she stopped, feeling a knot behind her throat. She clasped her mouth, before she opened it again. "I'm—"

"What should I do?" he asked hurriedly, cutting her off. "What should I do to help you? Shinoa, tell me."

"Nothing." she croaked out.

"There must be something I can do!" he shouted, gripping her shoulders so hard that she flinched. "Don't—! Don't just give up. You can't give up yet."

"There is nothing, Yuu-san." Shinoa smiled bitterly. "I have been dreaming for too long. We both know how this end, so let's – let's just stop. I'm… tired. Tired of hoping, tired of running away. I'm just so tired…" she said softly, thin fingers brushed against the stubborn bangs upon her eyes to wipe her sight from the color violet. "So please accept it. I accepted it. You ought to do the same."

"Like hell I will!" Yuichiro snarled at her, his grip tightened into desperate claws, fingers digging to her clothed skin. "To accept something like that—You – you must be kidding me. And you—!" he jerked her upwards, forcing her to catch his furious and yet, pained gaze. "You have to look at me in the eye and tell me that you will keep going! That you will keep living inside this twisted world. That you will—!"

A soft sigh, and then; "….I won't."

His grip loosened like a broken strap. "….what?"

"Except I won't." Shinoa said quietly, strangely calm, like calm before a storm and it made the hair on his skin stood, shutting him up completely. "I can't." she said again, this time more sharp and determined than before as she held his stare with her own.

She sounded so sure, sickeningly sure that she was a lost case. That she couldn't be saved. That he couldn't save her.

Bullshit.

All of it.

"…..I hate you." Yuichiro whispered brokenly, feeling the tears prickling his scorching eyes. "I hate you, Shinoa."

Her eyes widened for a split of second, before she let out a soft sigh. "I know…"

"I hate you so much, that it hurts."

"I know."

"You are always been than cruel. Always been that fickle. So selfish. I hate you."

"I know."

"But I care about you too. I care too much."

"…..I know."

Throwing himself to the ground, Yuichiro pulled her along with him. Resting his back against the wire hedge, he drew her even closer and positioned her much smaller body between his legs. Shinoa sighed against his shoulder blade, breathing in and out, pressing her palms on his broad chest. She was too tired to protest, physically, and mentally, so she went with whatever he intended to do.

She owed him this, at the very last.

"I don't know about your past," he began, settling his chin atop her head, one arm wrapped around her shivery built while the other fell to the ground. "And I don't think that I want to know. But – but I know that it hurts you, so much that you wanted to die." he stopped, taking in a calming breath to soothe his nerves. "And I – definitely don't know about the hardships you'd gone through. But Shinoa—"

"—don't shut me out."

Shinoa sighed again, moving her hand to catch his calloused one gently. "I don't want to hurt you." she whispered, her breath was bonfire against his clothed skin. "Please," she said softly, "I really don't want to."

"You can never hurt me." The raven crowned boy buried his face into the crook of her neck, feeling her faint pulse beneath her feverish skin. "I care about you, I just want you to let me in."

Shinoa licked her dry lips, and for a moment it was all silence and still. No one was moving; no one was talking; and she had this feeling in her chest; a bursting, tight sensation which made her insides churned and toes curled. Somewhere deep in her heart, she knew that she needed to do this; lest she'd drown in more sorrow, more sadness, and lost her chance forever to resurface again.

( it's now or never, they'd said. )

She breathed in.

"My memories are – are a little bit blurry…" Shinoa began, biting her lower lip until it drew blood. To tell him her past was the same like recalling it all over again. And she hated that, the despair which formed inside her whenever her past came back to haunt her peaceful days. "But I remember that – when I was a child, I was – I was…. subjected into some high classified experiments."

"They – cut – through my skin, drained my veins, tore my tendons—" The girl stopped when she felt him balling a tight, yet trembling, fist. She wrapped her palm over his, smoothing out his tense joints, hoping that the simple act could calm his nerves down. "They also injected me with an unknown serums several times." she paused, thinking. "I don't know – what it was, but it hurt." another pause, "It hurt so much that I – that I wanted to die so badly, back then."

Shinoa leaned back into his chest, their hands still entwined. "Though my sister had done her best to protect me, she couldn't – spare me, from our power hungry family." she said, her tone was that of a twisted amusement.

"I was used for several experiments before it's stopped for good. I don't remember – much, about, what time it was, what… kind of thing they'd been trying to do but…. it happened before my sister's death." Shinoa couldn't help the bitterness which clouded her words. "I was subjected into this experiment. They – well – apparently, they'd completed yet another serum and – um – they…. wanted to test it out on me, like always. But it didn't go as planned." she pulled her knees and wrapped her arms around them. "My blood—it resisted the drug, I think. And it almost killed me. I almost – died – and then it was all black."

"But…." she trailed off, "But I think someone—perhaps my sister, or Shinya-niisan, had saved me. And whoever it was had brought me into Guren-chusa's care. My memories – I think they're kind of, wiped out? Most of them, at least. Then it was all wars and battlegrounds, and I was… I was left alone." Forgotten, she thought. Forgotten and left alone.

"Guren left you?" he asked after a moment, his lips moving against the sensitive skin on her neck which made her shudder a little.

"He did." Shinoa nodded, licking her lips. "I won't say that I wasn't hurt. I was such a mess. I spent everyday asking myself, just where did I go wrong? Why was I forgotten? Why was I left behind?" she whispered. "But I don't blame him, or my sister and Shinya-niisan, in that matter. It's war. Everyone ends up alone."

"It doesn't matter." Yuichiro gritted his teeth. "He shouldn't have—"

"This is why I don't want to tell you." she sighed tiredly. "After all of this, after knowing, what will happen to us, Yuu-san? What will come of me, when it repeats all over again?" she asked rhetorically. "I would be gone. And you would be broken." she paused, "I told you that it would hurt. But you certainly didn't listen."

( you never listen, she wanted to scream at him. )

Yuichiro sighed tiredly. "I'm not… hurt, just—just… I don't know. You keep talking like you're going to die – and I – I'm, dunno, angry? At myself. Because I keep saying… things, about you, when I didn't even know anything about your past. I just – I just feel like a total douchebag, right now."

"And the difference?" she snorted. "You are hurt. You can't fool me Yuu-san."

He buried his face deeper into her neck, inhaling her scent. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Not being there when I should?"

"Stop being such a martyr." Shinoa chided, all rose-eyes and cold disapproval. "You know that it couldn't be helped."

"I'm sorry."

Shinoa was silent for a moment, contemplating, before she stood up abruptly.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Yuichiro looked up to her, titling his head in confusion, his face was that of a puzzled look.

"This." Shinoa emphasized, gesturing wildly at her surroundings and him, too. "Torturing yourself? You're…. not like this before. Not this emotionally attached, especially with me. So why change now?"

Yuichiro clamped his mouth shut, at loss. Why exactly?

There was no immediate answer for him. And he was afraid to know the real truth buried deep beneath his ignorance. He was not ready for this, but at the same time he wanted to know the explanation behind this weird feeling he was having for the past months.

But still, he was afraid. That, was a fact he could not deny.

"Yuu-san?" he snapped out from his thought to find her staring up at him, he didn't know just when he had stood. But he did, apparently. And he wasn't responsive for a while, that she was biting her lower lip in what he supposed, concern. That act of hers though, only made his eyes strayed from her face, and focused to her plum colored lips instead.

Then he was suddenly on fire. He couldn't help but wonder what it feels like to ki—

Fuck.

Not this again.

He groaned, cheeks reddened in pure embarrassment at those—those inappropriate thoughts he was having. This wasn't what he wanted to deal right now. Not now.

"Yuu-san?" Shinoa knitted her eyebrows, a frown marring her face when she noticed his (obvious) discomfort. "Are you okay?" she asked, tucking a lone stray from her eye, freeing her view completely.

"Is it wrong?" he blurted out then, failing to keep the words in. He knew that he needed to shut the hell up, and fast, before he said something he would definitely regret.

But he couldn't.

"What is?" she asked, lacing her fingers behind her.

"To care about you?" he paused, gulping down a lump which formed behind his throat. "Is it wrong of me to think of you as my precious person?"

"No…" Shinoa whispered, cheeks heating up like summer. Such… emotional things, why he told her something like this? "No it's not. But why…?" she raised a hand to tame her hair from the raging wind, and they stayed there, her fingers, curling themselves between her lavender tresses. "I'm—I'm not special, and I'm such a tease and I love to pull pranks on you and I—"

Shinoa paused.

Why she suddenly being defensive? It's not like her at all.

But her skin was tingling, her blood running and heart thumping.

And in front of her, was a cruel boy who told her to keep on dreaming.

"Does it matter?" he threw the question back at her, tearing a smile from her. A bittersweet smile.

"It doesn't…" Shinoa sighed, defeated. "It doesn't. But still, you're not like this even with Micchan or Yoichi-san or Kimizuki-san so I—"

"You're different." he argued hotly, looking at her head on, his eyes burning with a plethora of emotions she could not name. "You're different from them. You have always been different." he said, sighing.

"Why I'm different?" she asked desperately, "I don't want to be different."

"I—" Yuichiro stopped, biting his lip hard until it drew blood. Relishing the tangible taste of rust between his teeth, he cringed in displeasure. He forgot that he could not say the truth to her. He did not want them to change. Not this fast. "You're just different, okay? Don't ask me why. You're just do." he said between gritted teeth.

"You can't just tell me something like that—" Shinoa knitted her eyebrows in distress, hard streaks upon her flawless face. "To tell me something so—"

"Then what do you want me to do?" he snapped back, suddenly feeling a tad angry. "What do you want me to say?"

Somewhere inside his heart, Yuichiro blamed her. All red and burning, the feeling was heavy and tangible enough to touch. It was scalding, making his chest hurt and tight, because dammit, it was her fault. It was entirely her fault.

She was the one who made him like this, and she had the gall to ask why?

"The truth." she paused, "I want the truth."

The truth, huh? She wanted the truth for him. A fucking truth.

The hell with everything.

He would give her what she wanted.

( but don't blame him )

"Fine." Yuichiro said harshly, his eyes raging storm and fists trembling. "You want the truth, Shinoa? I'll give you one." he spat.

She flinched at his loud voice. "Y-Yuu-san I'm—"

"I want to kiss you."

A pause. A heartbeat.

And a moment later, she broke.

"W-What?" she stuttered, her face heating up in splatter of cherries and cranberries, splashing red and flush against her glowing cheeks. "W-What are you—"

"The truth," he paused, and caught her wide-open tangerine orbs. "You said you want the truth right?"

Shinoa reeled a step, clutching hard at her chest, near the place where her heart hung. "I-I—S-Stop playing around!"

"I'm not playing around!" The boy gritted his teeth in frustration, his vocal chords grinding against each other painfully. "And I definitely wasn't lying when I said that I want to kiss you!" he shouted, angry tears, desperate tears prickling the corners of his eyes. His chest felt tight, like it was ready to burst into ribbons. "I don't know why… I don't—I don't understand why but I want to kiss you so badly that… it… hurts."

Her eyes widened even more. "W-Wait sto—"

"And I want to touch you." he continued on, flat out ignoring her desperate pleas. "I want to hug you with all I have, never letting go. I want to lie beside you—watching your sleeping face, listening to your heartbeats." he croaked out, maintaining his calm with much difficulty. "I want to see you smiling at me – real ones – not those fakes. And to hear you saying my name—I – I want it too. I want you to al—"

"Stop."

Yuichiro widened his eyes, when a pair of shaky hands planted themselves on his mouth, stopping his loose words from coming out.

It was then when he realized what he had said.

What he had done.

"P-Please." Shinoa squeaked out, looking painfully small and fragile with her trembling shoulders and thin arms. "Stop it." she said quietly, bowing her head low, refusing to look straight at him. Her heart was beating two hours per mile, and it rattled inside her ribcage. It hurt to breathe too, and her lungs felt like burning in flames.

She was burning in flames.

This was not what she'd expected, not this.

"I'm sorry…" she heard him murmured against her trembling palm, his warm breath fanned her scorching skin.

The girl did not raise her head, still bowing, and he took her hands from his mouth, carefully, before he pulled her inside a tight embrace and buried his face deep into the junction of her neck. Hiding his face from her. Hiding the pain from her. Hiding the desperation from her.

( hiding the hurt from her )

Only one, he thought. One little mistake and everything was over. They were over.

Was it too late to take his words back?

He guessed it did, because she was a smart girl. She was such a smart girl, and he knew that. He really did.

That fact made him cold on the inside. The fact, that everything between them, would change completely.

( she was right, he was such a stupid, stupid idiot. )

"Just forget it." Yuichiro said emotionlessly, and she shivered from the coldness of his voice. "Forget everything I said."

"O-Okay." she murmured, her body stone still inside his arms. Her stomach was curling. Her eyes stinging. Chest heaving. Shinoa didn't know why but she felt like something was wrong with this situation. With him. But she could not put her finger on it. Just what exactly wrong with him? With them?

"I'm sorry." Yuichiro whispered again, and she widened her eyes when he pulled away from her, creating a distance between. "I—I need to go now. I'm going to call on Guren to fetch you. Just—wait. Here. D-Don't go anywhere."

And with that, he left her alone. Disappearing behind that metal door, away, far, far away from her. And a second later, he was gone just like a passing breeze.

The tightness in her chest intensified.

His face—he was making that face she hated so much.

That somber, pained emotion which passed on his face—she caught every bit of it before the bitter exterior was replaced with a blank, empty look.

What had she done?

---

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.

.

.

"Congratulations, Shi—" The hooded man paused when he realized his mistake. "Please forgive my impudence, Hiiragi-sama." he smiled stiffly at him. "Congratulations. At least you are chosen to be the one who will uphold the Hiiragi Family tradition in the future."

"A pleasure to serve you." he bowed, silvery white hair falling into his eyes. "When could I meet her?" he asked, sweetly.

"As fast as possible, of course." The man said pleasantly, clapping his hands. "Now, excuse me, I think they need my assistance. Good day, Hiiragi-sama."

With that uttered, the man seceded himself, closing the door behind him shut with a loud thud.

Then, there was a clatter on the floor, and seconds later a bloodcurdling scream pierced the tense air. The boy picked up his weapon from yet another mass of meat littering beneath him, flicking the blood off from its tainted surface.

He stilled for a moment before a smirk stretched wide on his face. Showing his sharp canines, he raised his sword up, the bloodied metal glinted menacingly by his side.

"Wait for me, Noa-chan." he whispered, looking down at his fisted hand. Inside his palm, lone white lily crumpled between his fingers, its petals withered onto the floor beneath him in a swirl of white and red.

He opened his boned fingers one by one, and the flower fell with a resounding thud.

"I'm going to save you."

---

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author's note:
…..what a jerk.

That was my very first reaction when read-proofed this super-long, ultra-long, totally-really-fabulously-long chapter (I wrote this in a span of three days, god bless my sanity). I mean, excuse me, Yuu-san? How dare you. Leaving a girl, in a fucking night, on a freaking rooftop, and alone for that matter? Asdfghjklqwertyuiop. What a rude boy he is. But worry not, dear readers, he's gonna get his punishment later hahaha… ha… ha.

*insert cicadas sound here*

Eh… uhm.. etoo… uhhh, hello minna-san…. *nervous smile*

I guess…. I'm back? Well, not really back, though, just giving you my contribution for my belated birthday (I'd just turned eighteen this month~) and also to celebrate my recent discharge from hospital XD. Well, I had enough of antiseptics smell, gossiping nurses, and big assess needles—especially big assess needles for almost two weeks. I'm soooooooo happy that now I'm free from all that shit (ToT).

Anyway, sorry for my late (really, really late LoL) update, but I hope you like this one. Uh, I'm not sure about that but I'm sure as hell that you all want to chop my head off in frustration because shit, this is the most unromantic confession scene ever (^v^). Well, at least, close enough. It's not a confession, per say. Yuu-san hasn't said those pretty little words after all. Yet. But yeah, once again, close enough. Still no kiss, though :) And Big Brother Shinya is bae XD. And finally, a new mysterious character! Who is he? Well, that's for me to know and you to find out :) There will be a lot of twists in the future, just wait for it alright~

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regarding the last author's note:
Well, I'm gonna start my rant about my recent problem with this fandom. As you can see in the reviews section, Anon-san hasn't stopped sending me hate mails even thought I'd begged him to. And yeah, it's hate mail now (*w*). His/Her words got a 180 degree turn. Or 360? Either way, I don't even want to think about it anymore.

I'd gotten a chance to pour my rant personally at him/her though. I know that s/he must have read my comment. I'm sorry for the rude words, but well, I was moody and in pain, so you can imagine how pissed off I was. His/her words were… plain rude, hurting. You can read it by yourself, but I advise you not to, because it's not worth your time, trust me. I wish I hadn't given a damn. I mean,look at me.

I was tired, and hurt. His/her words were plain rude and I'm hurt. I really am. But I can't do anything about it right?

I mean, I thought about deleting those reviews. But then, before I could even execute the plan, my phone rang. And again and again and again (-v-"). There was no end. You can imagine the rest. I was so close from banging my head in frustration but thank god one of my bestfriends saved me from my stupid action. By another stupid action, though. She slapped me, hard. But still, thank god I have such a brutal friend (TwT).

I have enough angst for a lifetime, so I'm gonna return to my happy and ignorant self. There's no recent activity yet ever since I'd given him/her a piece of my mind, beside a few bloody PM's (yes, s/he made an account, I dunno though, whether it's the same person or not). But in case s/he begins again (spamming on this fic, I mean. I'm cool with him/her sending me stupid PM's but not my fic, please), just let s/he be. Let Anon-san hating on me as much as s/he likes. I'm going to heed those mails like they're nothing because damn, I'm eighteen now (-u-V).

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for dear readers:
THANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL THE SUPPORTS AND LOVE! *blow kisses* You guys really are amazing. I'm blessed to have you all encouraging me on. So don't worry, I will finish this story, not gonna leave it hanging because I'm a reader too, so I know the feeling. The only thing I want from you is patience. And also supports, because without your supports semper memento would not be what it's now (TwT).

So thank you lots minna-san. I don't know what to say, what to do, but thank you. Thank you for every support, every encouragement, every compliment, every love and care you'd bestowed upon me. I really appreciate it, I really do. If not for you all, I wouldn't have managed this new chapter. Now I'm going to return to my everyday life. I'll try to update monthly, though no promises, it depends on my college's assignments. But of course, I'll try my best for all of you. Once again, ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU! Until we meet again~ Hopefully next month, when the second cour finally begins. And don't forget to vote Shinoa on ONS Official Popularity Poll! Mata ne~ (^w^)

-Hinoiri Lwin-

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p.s: for anon-san, whoever you are, please think before you speak. And do not hate on fictional character, because honestly? It makes you look stupid and uneducated. I'm tired okay? Tired of you hating on Shinoa. Tired of you hating on me and my story. Tired of you spamming my mail. It's not my fault that everything turned out this way. It's yours.

It's people like you who made ons fandom like this. Full of hate, full of wars. Can't you grow up just a bit? This is not just about me and you, this is about a lot of people out there, who, with all they have, love Owari and love Shinoa and love Yuunoa and you, you can't take that away from them, from me.

And about tumblr—for god sake's I stopped stalking tumblr since ages ago. I don't know a shit about what you're spouting about. I don't know a thing, okay? Do not say that I'm an attention-seeker bitch, because hell, I don't want to experience this at all. I'm tired of hating, tired of running away, so just this once, I'm going to say fuck off.

You can bitch all you want, but don't expect me to care. Because I don't. And I won't. Making a freaking account to terror me is not going to help you either (I don't know whether it was you or perhaps another idiots out there, but hell, this is the reason of why I write this note in the first place). So you better stop this for once and all because dammit, I've had enough for this shit. Okay? Okay.