We were just done watching the movie. Me, Brittany and Mercedes. It was so boring to watch I almost fell asleep. Brittany had to nudge me every ten minutes. Mercedes went into the bathroom and me and Brittany waited for her outside. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks - since graduation. We thought it was time to hang out since we hadn't done it in a long while.

"Can I talk to you, quick before Mercedes comes back?" she rushed.

"Um, sure"

"I've been meaning to tell you this before - I just never had the chance, or courage"

"Yeah...?" I answered.

Brittany stopped talking for some seconds, she just looked at me, her eyes were scanning my whole face. I looked at the door to see if Mercedes was coming. Sadly, she wasn't. It was getting so awkward, none of us spoke and Brittany was just staring at me.

"What is it?" I spat out.

"Okay.. Okay, Santana, I really l-"

And Mercedes finally came back.

"The line to the damn toilet was longer than God knows what" she complained. "What's going on here, y'all look like you're about to throw up" she laughed.

"We were just about to come look for you" Brittany lied. "Let's go"

We stepped into Brittany's car and I sat next to her, Mercedes sat on the backseat. Brittany and Mercedes were talking the whole way but I was just quiet. We dropped Mercedes off and we were alone again. I tried avoiding to start a conversation - it was awkward. I had a feeling I knew what she wanted to tell me.

"Santana," she said when we were some minutes away from my house "can I continue what I was going to say before..?"

"Sure" I forced out.

"Okay.. Look, I'm.. I really," she stopped again "this isn't easy" she nervously laughed. "Okay, okay. Bottom line is, Santana, I have feelings for you"

I didn't say something to her. I just kept looking forward out the window. I tried to take it in slowly so I wouldn't react in a way that would be unfair to her. I tried to stay calm and push Quinn's voice out of my head "she has a crush on you, I swear" I hated that she was right about it. I took a deep breath and faced Brittany.

"Are you okay with that? I'm not saying we have to be more than friends right now - I know you're with Quinn, I understand that.. It's just that I couldn't hold it in. I've been feeling like this for a long while now"

"Brittany, it's okay. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to avoid you because of it. I just need you to understand that we will never be more than just friends, okay? I'm really sorry"

"So you're not mad at me?" she asked and pulled into my driveway.

"I'm not mad at you, Brittany" I said.

She stopped the car and I was just about to take a step out of the car when she pulled me back. Her hand grabbed me by the wrist and I stopped.

"Wait," she said "you can't be sure unless you know what it feels like to be with me"

Her hands cupped my face - not the same way Quinn usually did it - I felt her lower lip press harder against mine. Our lips were entangled for less than ten seconds and I pushed her off me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I loudly said.

"I-," she put her hands back on the dial "I suppose you didn't enjoy that as much as I did.." she tried smiling at me.

"That was disrespectful, you know that right?" I said and crossed my arms. "Aren't you supposed to be Quinn's best friend? Is this something you do, go around kissing your bestfriends girlfriends?"

"No..-"

"Then why the hell would you?" I cut her off. "Did you know I protected you everytime Quinn worried about you being friends with me? I always told her she was wrong, that you never would do something like this"

Brittany sighed loudly, she looked away from me and the blushed cheeks were making me feel bad about attacking her with my sentences at her face. I just felt like she needed to understand how stupid what she did was, how uncalled for it was. I knew that Quinn would go mad, she would get so angry at Brittany about it if I told her.

"Will you stop being my friend now?" she frowned.

"No, don't be silly. I will be if you kiss me again" I joked.

"I won't, I'm so sorry.. I thought that maybe you would maybe like me if I kissed you" she said.

"I told you already.. Quinn is the one for me. I'm sorry it's this way, but I will never, ever let her go because of something like you having a little crush on me, Brittany" I looked at her. "I know you might get angry at me for rejecting you, but did you really expect anything else?"

"I didn't. I really just wanted to get it off my chest"

"Well now it's off your chest.. Can I get off?" I asked.

"Promise we'll see each other again soon?" she said.

"Of course," I smiled "we'll meet up with Mercedes again whenever you guys can again" I opened the car door again.

"That makes me happy," she smiled "see you"

I walked out of the car and Brittany waved at me before driving away. I waved back and walked towards the door. I opened up and walked to my room directly. My mom and I exchanged a hello and within a minute I was sitting on my bed. I felt pretty bad about what happened with Brittany, if I had a liking towards someone and they rejected me with words it would crush me. Even worse if it was with a kiss. And Brittany went through both ways. However, Quinn was a bigger part of my life and she mattered in a way Brittany or anyone else for that matter ever could. I wouldn't want anything to mess things up between us. All I was scared of was how I would - if I would tell Quinn about what happened. I felt like I had to tell her about it or I would be feeling like I was constantly lying. Like I mentioned, I knew her reaction wouldn't be anything I could look forward to. Or even expect.

My room was warm and it was like my safe spot. Even when I was in there alone, I wasn't. I didn't feel like I was. I laid down on my back and just looked up at the empty, white roof. I felt that my make up was messy, I had it on during the whole day and it was hot outside. I was too lazy to get up and wash it off. I watched the roof still as thoughts - new thoughts struck my mind. Thoughts about Brittany. If I wasn't with Quinn, would I be with Brittany.. Or would I like her? Maybe, possibly. Even though Brittany was too innocent, too quirky and sweet for my type. She had something charming about herself. It wasn't impossible that maybe I would be with Brittany if Quinn wasn't in the picture.
However, she was. And honestly, I was happy. I was when I thought about her. I knew from the start that Quinn would be difficult to handle, I knew it deep inside. I didn't mind from the start so there was nothing to complain about in the middle of everything. When you've seen the best sides of a person - their worst sides don't matter. As long as you're in love with a person as much as I was with Quinn, it doesn't matter. Whatever they do, whatever they call you - the anger goes away as quickly as a heartbeat beats the moment they take a couple of steps closer to you, the moment they kiss you or hold your hand. Damn, it's enough with them just looking into your eyes. You're strongly infatuated. It doesn't matter - even if God came down and told me Quinn was a bad person, I wouldn't leave her. Not for anyone would I ever stop her from being a part of my life. If she goes to hell, I'll go with her. That was how passionate and madly I cared for her. She was my person.

As I was washing my face and was ready to go to sleep. I opened the little box where my face cream, razor and other hygien stuff was in. I put the cream on my face and carefully spread it to all edges of it. I put it back in and took a long look at the razor. A long, hard look. It had been months since the last time I.. used it. The last one, Brittany pratically stole it and hid it away with her. It helped but, now, the urge came back as I viewed the razorblade in there. I took a scissor and cut the plastic away from the sides of the razor. I did it carefully. Finally, the plastic of the razor was off and I had the blade separate. I held it in my hands, remembering how it felt. It was nothing different than cutting yourself with a piece of paper, it wasn't different from getting any other scratch or scar. The pleasure of it didn't come physically, it was psychologically. I could look at what I did during some moment and feel proud in some way, like I was looking at my own piece of art. The scar became like an image for me to control over. It felt like for once, I had control over one aspect in my life at least. I lightly, without hurting myselt, put it on my arm, I was as careful as ever. I closed my eyes. "You did this to yourself? It''s beautiful". I opened my eyes and but the blade back down in the little box. I didn't have the courage after Quinn's voice repeated in my voice. I had been clean for too long.. Iwould be disappointed.

I laid down under the covers in my bed. I was just about to shut the lamp of when my phone rang. It was Quinn.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I was just going to sleep, why?"

"I missed you today" she said.

"I missed you too.."

"Can't you come out? Now?" she asked.

I was silent for some seconds, thinking.

"Can you?" she stressed.

"I'm in bed.. I don't know, I don't think so.."

"Please?" she sighed. "I want to see you before I go to sleep.. Which won't be now because I'm not a seventy year old.." she laughed. "Come on, Santana, it's not even eleven yet"

It was an early night for me, she was right about that.

"I'm really tired, I can't tonight" I answered her.

Truth is, the main reason I didn't feel like going out was because I was going to have to tell her about what happened with Brittany. And I didn't feel like tonight was the right time. I was tired and still a bit confused about her kissing me.

"Okay.." she sounded disappointed.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm at the park, I was hoping my call would convince you"

"So you're there all alone?" I laughed. "We don't have to hang up if you don't want to"

"Really?," her voice lit up "if you're tired, we can. I don't want to keep you up"

"You do either way" I said. She answered with a laugh.

"So how was the movie?" she asked.

"It was good" I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"You were with Brittany right? And that other girl, Mercedes?"

"Yes"

"Did you have fun?"

"It was okay I guess" I answered as a yawn left my mouth.

"You sound really tired.. I'll let you sleep. See you tomorrow?"

"No," I lied "it's really fine"

"Don't lie to me" she laughed. Her voice was beautiful, even when I was hearing it through the phone. "Go to sleep. Tomorrow?" she asked again.

"Fine, I'll go to sleep" I said. "Yes. Tomorrow"

"Goodnight. I.. I love you" it was obvious that she struggled to say that. I noticed it, it was in her voice. She was either shy or uncomfortable saying it.

"I love you too" I struggled as much as I thought she did.

The whole 'I love you' thing was new to us both. We weren't the usual couple - I think. With the I love you's every five minutes and the constant nicknames. We weren't the kind of couple who called eachother 'baby'. I don't know why we became the way we were - but I liked it. It was raw, it was us. It was just perfect.

Don't hate me guys I know the past two chapters have been quite boring okay but it's getting so much better so just hold ooon!