A/N: God how I love Season 3 of this show, I'm having a lot of fun writing this and I hope you guys are still having fun reading! I do not own anything and it *sucks* to be me.
Disturbing Behaviour
"All of the things that I long to believe about love and the truth
And what you mean to me and the truth is baby you're all that I need.
I've got nothing to prove for it's you I'd die to defend"
Given Elena's most recent brush with heartbreak I have taken it upon myself to be the appointed Elena-sitter for when she inevitably has a nervous breakdown. She can't be strong forever; it's just not an option. No matter how hard she tries, and try hard she fucking does. I've never met anyone so adept at pretending everything is just peachy when their life is falling to pieces around them bit by tiny bit.
This is how I find myself in the Gilbert kitchen helping make chilli. "I just don't know why you wanna bring chilli to a pot-luck. Everybody brings chilli. Hi Ric" – "What time do you wanna go to the Lockwood party?" never. Why do we have to go to all these things? Oh right, council meetings, that's why.
"Show up there's gonna be 9 other people that brought chilli" – "It's an old family recipe okay?" she says with an exasperated huff. "Yeah I know. I knew your old family, they made sucky chilli" true story. She turns and giggles at me and bumps my hip with hers and I get my first genuine smile of the day. Score one for Salvatore.
"Why are you here, exactly?" Ric asks. When am I ever not here? "She knows" – "He thinks I'm going to break. I'm not going to break. I'm just gonna keep making chilli, pretend like I didn't just spend the entire summer looking for someone who didn't wanna be found" – "She's in denial" I stage whisper.
And she is because she won't let herself break, not just over this Stefan thing, but everything, she refuses to do it even though it's the one thing she really needs to do. I just can't work out why, what is she so afraid of? What does she think is gonna happen if she stops being strong for 5 minutes?
I mean I get it, come on I'm a vampire with an off switch for this very reason. Of course my switch doesn't work anymore but that's not the point. You don't wanna break down? Don't wanna feel the pain? The hurt, the anger, the anything? Fine, flip the switch. So I get it, but she's human, she doesn't have a switch, she's just doing an excellent job of pretending that she does.
"I'm not in denial" ooh I love it when she growls at me, girl is so damn sexy and so damn unaware of it. Either way, denial or not, breakdown or not, if it comes I'll be here to catch her. And if she wants to keep going on like nothing ever happened then I'll be by her side for that too. God, somebody buy me a fucking leash.
"No?" I gently pick up her necklace and hold it between my fingers. "You're still wearing this necklace. Isn't this a reminder of your un-breakable bond with Stefan?" though fuck knows I've given her the damn thing a lot more frequently than he has. Her gaze follows the lines of my face southward until her eyes fall on my lips as ever and I give her a tight smile because I know. Even if she'll never admit it.
I let my fingers graze the base of her neck gently and her pulse jumps under me and then I let go, her skin still burns me every time I touch her and after a point it starts becoming difficult to let go and stop touching her. And I just remembered that we have company, in the form of Elena's pseudo-step-father and my best friend. I still don't know how the fuck that happened.
The doorbell rings breaking the tension in the room and Elena disappears to see her friends while I go to meet Liz and deal with the newest person to launch an attack against Vampire Barbie. In the biggest of ironies since, well, irony, her gay father tried to 'fix' her vampirism, so backwards.
Honestly even I'm beginning to get a little sick of people attacking Blondie. Liz is holding him down in the underground jail cell where he kept his daughter. "Double check him for vervain before you compel him" ew gross, so fresh blood with a side of poison then? Sounds tasty.
"So Bill, I hear you're into the whole daddy daughter vampire torture play?" – "I was trying to help her" Blondie? "Well if there's anyone who doesn't need help it's your annoying control freak of a daughter" that girl right there is one vampire who doesn't need to change a fucking thing. She could get a job at Vampire Academy teaching control, and she's not even a year old. I'm almost proud of her; okay maybe I'm a little proud.
I bite him and fortunately for me there's a distinct lack of vervain mixed with the blood in my mouth. "You will leave town immediately, all you remember is you came to bring your daughter back to school shopping" and my work here is done. You can all thank me later.
Time for another Lockwood party and ten bowls of chilli then I suppose. I swear I used to be more fun. "Founders parties are just an excuse for the council to gather in back rooms and plot against vampires" I tell Ric and grab a beer instead of sucky chilli.
"Hey, ah, I think you need to take a beat, with Elena" I'm sorry, take a what now? "Excuse me?" – "Whatever it is you two have going on, I think it's a bad idea" wow, uh, who the fuck asked you?
"I don't really think it's your problem Ric" – "It is my problem. I'm supposed to look after her and this is me doing that" yeah and you're supposed to be my friend but you're not doing that very well are you?
"What do you think I'm doing?" because from where I stand I'm the one that's been looking after her for the last 9 goddamn weeks. Scratch that, for the last fucking year.
"What I think, is you need to take a beat" yeah I'm gonna have to Google that shit 'cause I still don't know what it means but I get the fucking picture and I'm really close to punching him in the face right now.
"Damon? Sorry, uh, the mayor just called for the council meeting" right, duty calls. Fuck Ric. Asshole.
God these meetings are so damn boring, why did I sign up for this again? Thank god it's over. "I have a question" what the...Bill Forbes. Didn't I tell him to leave immediately? "Do you 3 think that everybody on the council is clueless? Or just stupid?" man this is not my day.
Elena. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Houston we have a problem" I say, rushing to catch up with her as she leaves. "Where have you been?" – "Managing Bill Forbes, apparently he's impervious to compulsion" fuck if I know how. "He threatened to out me. Don't get me started on the irony of that."
"What did you do to him? How do you know the compulsion doesn't work?" and great, we're back to Elena assuming the worst in me. I wonder if that's her or her friend's thinking.
"It's not the most important piece of information I mentioned Elena" – "Well what does he want?" Ric asks and I tell them that he wants to control the council, apparently it's been 'compromised' and he wants to put vervain in the towns water supply.
"Maybe it's not such a bad idea. I mean it'll help you keep yourself in control now that Stefan's not here to-" you have got to be kidding me.
"To what? To keep me in check? Make me behave?" seriously Elena, could you please tell me one time that I have lost control? You're getting your brothers fucking confused honey. And you're pissing me off.
"Should've killed him this morning" – "He's Caroline's dad Damon" – "Yeah and when I kill him she'll have one more parent than we do" honestly I don't know why I fucking bothered trying to talk to her in the first place, as if I didn't know exactly how this conversation would go.
"Oh come on Damon" Ric. Is in my way. "You're repeatedly killing my buzz today Ric. Step aside" – "Yeah, it's not gonna happen" I glance down at his hand to make sure his come back from the dead ring is still intact. Yep, it's there.
"You're temporary funeral" – "Damon No" oh calm down 'Lena, he'll be fine in a couple hours.
"What is wrong with you?" nothing princess, absolutely fucking nothing. I leave her with Ric's temporarily dead body and head back into the house to clean up my mess. To Elena, this is me out of control. Me? I've never been more in control in my life.
I'm not even going to actually kill the douche.
I ask about the compulsion and he informs me that my "technique is a little lazy" what the hell? "Duly noted" I have never met anyone who can resist compulsion without the aid of vervain. It's almost cool except it's totally not. How the hell does he practice anyway, does he have a friendly neighbourhood vampire too?
"You're not self-destructive enough to kill the Sheriff's ex-husband" hah, well you've clearly never met me. I'm fairly sure that if you searched Wikipedia for 'self-destructive' you'd find a big picture of my beautiful face alongside it.
"Makes you the third person to underestimate me today" I dart over and bite into his neck and then throw him to the ground. "Hoo! You know, with all this behavioural modification going on around here, I almost forgot how good blood tastes when it's...fresh" he wants to know if I'm going to kill him but like I said, no, "I'm just gonna find pleasure in perfect little moments like this" I bite him again and then I'm flying into the wall. Fucking. Blondie.
She throws me through the window and Mrs. Mayor is not gonna be happy about that. Why is she so pissed anyway? Her fucking dad tortured her! I slam her down on the table and grab her neck. "I'm stronger than you little girl" – "Well I'm angrier" she tears my wrist away and slams her head into me before I go flying into the wall, again.
Damn, girls quite good in a fight really, and then she's gone. And Elena is here. Great. Just. Great.
"Bummer, love a good girl fight" – "You can't do this anymore Damon. Not in this town. Not around me" do what Elena? Protect your fucking idiot friends? Because believe it or not that's what I was doing. "Why not? Nothing I haven't done before, why is it suddenly so important for everyone to keep me in check?"
But of course we won't get the actual truth out of Elena. We'll get an edited version of it.
"Because I don't want you to be what other people think that you are" seriously this girl needs better friends. "What? A monster? Sorry to disappoint you Elena but last time I checked I was still a vampire" – "Yeah I guess I wish that you didn't have to act like one" and that might be as close to the truth as we get.
"I am not Stefan. How about you stop trying to turn me into him?" because that's really what it comes down to isn't it? Like I said before, she can't love a vampire. Not one like me. Not one who revels in it. Who doesn't hide from it.
I've changed a fucking lot for this girl but what more does she want from me? I'm not going to change the fundamentals of who I am and even if I could I can't because let me tell you once you go vamp...you can't fucking go back. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not. That's Stefan's gig and I am not my brother. For very good reasons, such as those he has been showing off all summer.
I hate fighting with Elena, I love fighting with Elena. The problem being that our type of fights are fuelled by burning passion that should end with blazing make up sex which of course they never do. So at the end I'm just left sexually frustrated with a pissed off Elena. Oh, and a still dead Ric in my house the morning after.
I prepare him a wake-up make-up drink and he's back. "Took a bit longer than usual huh?" no reply. Hmm. I guess he's not talking to me either then. "Might want to get that ring checked, hope it's not goin' bad" – "You killed me" duh!
"You pissed me off" – "You killed me" yes. I know. "Ric, no hard feelings all right? I was on a bit of tear, everyone was trying to tell me how to behave" and I don't like that. I don't like being told what to do, what I can and can't do. I control my actions, even if they are self-destructive.
"Well maybe they finally realised you're just a dick" yeah. Maybe.
Ric slams his drink down and leaves.
Someone is at the door and it's definitely not who I was expecting. "I will accept written apologies only" oh great. Katherine.
"Are you two lovebirds fighting already?" – "Katherine. Wonderful. What do you want?" – "I'm just a girl looking for a partner in crime. You feel like hittin' the road?" with you? Not so much, but beggars can't be choosers and right now I'll take what I can get.
"You have impeccable timing. I was told I needed to take a beat" – "Is that a yes? I'll drive" – "Why not? Walls are starting to close in on me around here. Where are we going?" –"Away from here. That's all I'm gonna give you for right now but believe me, it's good" she's dangling Elena's stupid necklace at me and I try to take it but she snatches it away.
Ah what the hell, this is just what I need. Away from this unfortunate town and girls that are as fucking mysterious as the dark side of the moon, yep, let's go. Right this damn second.
Dear Diary,
Damon and I had a big fight last night. And it's all stupid Caroline's fault. That's not true, it's my fault really.
Damon was being really sweet since we came home from Chicago, making sure that I was okay, sticking around me, taking care of me, he helped me make Chilli for the Lockwood party, making me laugh. Just, generally being a good friend. And then Caroline asked me if I was 'switching Salvatores' and said that no one is changing Damon, not even me.
Honestly sometimes I don't understand Caroline at all, doesn't she see? Can't she see how much he's changed already? But then last night he attacked Caroline's dad and just...it's like he was trying to prove me wrong. He always uses the word 'monster' to describe himself and I'm getting sick of it.
I don't want people to think that he's a monster, because he's not. I haven't been trying to change him, he's been changing himself, but I don't want him to think that he can just go around killing people and that it's okay. Just because he's a vampire doesn't make it okay and he knows that as well as I do.
Damon accused me of trying to turn him into Stefan and I know that Damon isn't Stefan, I don't want him to be Stefan, I would never want that. I think Damon thinks that he is just...filling the space that Stefan left when he went away but it's not like that. It's as if Damon has carved his very own space inside of me that's all Damon shaped and sometimes I hate it and I don't know how he did it because if anything happens to him...I don't know if I could ever get over the hole that would be left in his place.
But of course I can't say that to him, to anyone, I can't. Caroline confronted me about my feelings for Damon today, she said that I'm attracted to him and I won't admit it. And I can't. I feel like I'm fighting a battle with my feelings and I don't think I'm doing a great job at winning. But I can't really talk to anyone about it and in the end I tell people what I know they want to hear from me.
Even when it's not the truth. But sometimes my own truth feels like it's buried so deep inside of me that I don't know how to find it. And sometimes I don't even want to. Because I'm scared of what I might find. Of who I might find.
Elena.