"So that's you decision? Splitting up and sending away a hundred people just because they are a burden?" Cas shouts in disbelief as soon as the door closes behind the last member of their improvised war council. "They'll have to pass at least two hot zones before they reach any military base or guarded area. Why did you choose youngsters to escort them? These guys are hopeless and you know it."
"So you want them to stay? Camp is overcrowded, we won't survive winter like this. These people need to get to area controlled by the government. " Dean states firmly.
"You know that's not the point. The point is that you go and escort them to safety. You can't just abandon people you quasi-saved."
The leader stands up, folds the map that has been spread on the table and starts placing his personal guns there with an intention of cleaning them. There is an air of chilly, studied indifference to his moves.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you said you support me in this."
"I said I would help you, but not that I agree with you... Can't you see it? These people will be just cannon fodder if you are not there to protect them until we find a unit which can dispatch them to the coast."
"Hey, they will not be in worse shit than any other group of refugees not protected by hunters. There is still army, crisis center, firefighters, religious groups. Someone will take care of them."
"And of course there is no way a demon can possess any of them. Just listen to yourself."Cas runs his hands down his face.
"Cas, cut it out. No more mingling with victims. I am not a fucking foster parent. The plan is that we minimize the burden before winter and wait here until we get a lead on the devil. The world is fucked. Everyone is fucked. They'll be mauled by croats or shot by gangsters anyway. This year or next year, what difference does it make?"
Cas clenches his jaws, takes a deep breath and starts again, trying to sound less furious and more concerned, but the anger still burns in his chest and throat.
"Dean, what's wrong with you? You know I have nothing against risking your life or my life for the cause, but sacrificing innocent people?"
Dean freezes for a moment with his back turned at Cas; hunched and tense. He slowly takes a half turn to give his lover a dark sidelong glare.
"Listen, Dean..." Cas continues softer, fighting sudden dryness in his throat "You always said that angels are raging dicks. I agree. They always firmly believe that what they do is right, they are so self-righteous, so pompous, so focused on the goal that they don't even notice if they trample someone on the way..." Cas fixes his eyes on Dean's warningly as the leader is slowly turning to face him and tilting his head in disbelief, "that's why I left. And you know what? Now you're acting exactly like one of them. This is not the man I knew. This is not the man I fell for..."
"Don't you dare say that to me ever again!" Dean snaps.
As the leader stands still for a long while with his fist and jaws clenched, breathing heavily, steaming with anger, the last bit of compassion in Cas burns out, leaving only bitterness.
"Why?" he spits out, "Does the truth hurt that much?"
Dean's eyes narrow, muscles in his neck and jaw knot for a split second before he growls warningly :
"Just don't say that."
"Why? Why are you trying to do exactly what Michael would? To sacrifice everything just to get to Lucifer, just to have your personal vendetta" Cas clasps one hand around Dean's forearm and grips Dean's jaw with the other; makes the man look him in the eyes. "Just look at yourself..."
The leader digs his fingers into Cas's wrists, fighting to wrench his hands off and while the angel keeps hissing:
"I didn't forsake everything I had for this!"
Fury helps Dean free himself in one violent tug.
"Just shut up!"
"Dean!"
"Shut up, for fuck's sake!"
Dean hits the table so hard it makes Cas draw back in shock. The man lets out a long, jerky breath and bows his head. His voice scintillates with sparks of barely restrained rage.
"Say whatever you want, but don't you mention that one thing to me. Ever."
Encouraged by this sudden display of sincerity Cas makes a few steps towards the table; one scowl stopped him in tracks. He draws a breath to speak, but he is interrupted by Dean snapping:
"Cas, no. That's enough. We're done."
"Wh... what?"
Dean looks at the fallen angel with a mixture of weariness and exasperation.
"You heard me. Just leave me."
Cas swallows dryly.
"What are you talking about?"
"You see?" Dean straightened up and pointed an open hand at Cas, "That's the problem with you. You just won't fuck off. I'm sick and tired of you lecturing me and wet nursing me. The sight of you makes me wanna puke. I don't care how you do it, just go."
When the first shock had passes Cas realizes what the man really meant. He tilts his head, examining Dean's expression with attention and approaching him slowly. He is more confident with every step and Dean realizes he's lost. With every angel's step Dean hunches a bit more, takes a step back, gives in a bit, lets his anger yield and reveal an expression of despair. His voice melts into a choked plead.
"Cas, just please fuck off, for fuck's sake..."
"Shh... It's all right. I am here. "
When Cas is close enough to try to embrace Dean, the man slumps to sit on the floor, covering his face like he expected a blow, breathlessly repeating "fuck off fuck off fuck off". Cas kneels next to him and after a second of hesitation he gently tipps Dean's forearm. This fidgety, shy caress makes Dean's voice break into a sob.
"Just go, just leave..." he forces through clenched throat "You are right. I don't care. I don't even know how to. You are right..." Dean rises his head rapidly as if he finally gave up pretending he wasn't crying. For a moment he just stares at Cas, lost in his eyes, clinging to this look like it was the only thing that kept him alive. "I don't give a damn if I take the whole planet down with me. But can't you see you are the only god forsaken thing that I care about? The only one that I don't wanna haul down with me? Cas, if you stay with me the best that can happen is that you die and... God damn it, why are you so stupid? I will fail you! Cas, for fuck's sake, I will fail you like I have failed everyone else... Just leave me..."
The fallen angel skimms Dean's cheek with the back of his fingers. His voice is soft and solicitous when he whispers:
"It's the same thing all over again. You still have no faith."
The man gives him a suspicious, haunted look.
"Do you?" he asks bitterly.
"Yes."
Dean's sneering snicker is somewhat jerky; the hunter cannot conceal his torment no matter how much he wants to seem distant.
"Are you crazy?" he cries out, "how can you believe in God after all we..."
"Dean..."
This one word is enough to overcome him. Spoken with the same ardor all but masked by roughness every time. Castiel is the only one to say Dean's name like this.
"I am not talking about God. I have faith in you."
Castiel's profession makes Dean repeat the same scornful snort; a desperate attempt to prove to himself that he is not too weak to be cynical. The angel shifts his weight to find himself closer to his lover.
"Dean, you're doing exactly what you believe an evil person would do and you're doing it because you believe you're doomed. You still don't think you deserve to be saved..."
The glimmer of hope in Dean's eyes fades; he hangs his head and lets out a strange, tearful, whimpering snicker. Castiel sighed.
"You don't remember when I raised you from hell, do you?"
Dean shakes his head.
"You know, I remember. It is not something one can easily forget. You..." the fallen Angel brings his face so closecto Dean's that his breath burns the man's skin. Dean has an impression that the room suddenly falls silent and filled with a cold, oppressive energy; without protest he meets Cas's pertinacious, alluring, commanding stare "You thought you should stay. You fought back, but I raised you," he brings his face menacingly close to Dean's; his stare pierces Dean's soul to the very core; he speaks in a toneless, hoarse, faltering voice " I overcame you and I can do it again. Believe me. I will not let you do something a righteous man wouldn't do..."
Dean hesitantly gives in to Cas's pull; he let's himself be held and kissed. There is no reason to run away now, becuase for the first time in years Cas's touch does not feel intimate or good at all. It's cold, distant and opressive, almost menacing: this is something Winchester knows very well, something that does not terrify him like Cas's warm, loving closenes once did. He accepts the caresses, immobile like a mannequin. There is no reason to be afraid, because one cannot kill something that is already dead.
Here you go, pain and angst again. Hope you enjoyed this one :) Remember to R&R to let me know if I am moving in the right direction.
BTW I have a few one-shots including the last one ready to be proof-read and posted, but before we get there: any requests?