A/N: Technically you weren't going to get this chapter until tomorrow, but I worked out the kinks today so that I could bring it to you all a day early. I hope you appreciate me for it, in the form of reviews. I love those things; they're like cotton candy for the soul! I'll be quiet now, because I'm pretty sure we *all* know what's in this chapter! P.S – It's *really* long!
The New Deal
"It's everything you wanted; it's everything you don't.
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
Some prayers find an answer; some prayers never know.
We're holding on and letting go"
Well, I for one am feeling decidedly pessimistic today which is my main excuse for morning, day and night drinking, but really, who the hell needs excuses for drinking after the Homecoming dance that wasn't? Not me that's for sure.
Klaus is still out there, alive, biding his time I'm sure before he comes to pick us all off, and of course we're all just sitting around waiting for him to do it because no one took me seriously when I suggested we all pack up and get the hell outta dodge. Only I wasn't actually joking.
And who the hell knows where my brother is hiding, he got his freedom and ran for the hills. Probably joined Katherine up there, knowing 'no humanity' Stefan. And then there's me. Stuck here. Waiting. To die.
Hell yeah I'm drinking.
"All right you have your choice: Bloody Mary, Screwdriver breakfast in a bottle?" silence greets me from Ric's bar stool. "Come on Ric I can't drink all this by myself" well I could but that's entirely not the point. I have a drinking buddy for a reason. Drinking!
"It's the eve of Klaus-ageddon and you're doing homework?" come on man, we're all gonna die. Let's at least live a little first.
Ric says he's here to see Baby Gilbert and the girl behind the bar informs us that he's been fired. Combine that with the 'F' grade on his latest history paper and we are gonna have one pissed off Elena Gilbert on our hands over there.
Yep, she's got her grumpy voice on as she leaves him a voicemail. "You're feisty when you're mad" it's always been one of my favourite things about her. "I'm worried" why? It's not that big a deal is it?
"He's spiralling. Ever since Bonnie broke up with him he's just moody, he's not really talking to anyone" well, first of all that's kinda what you get for cheating on your witch girlfriend with your ghost ex-girlfriend, and secondly that sounds like a "typical teenager" to me.
"Who's been seeing ghosts and has lost everyone that he cares about" ah-ah "not everyone" I say turning away from her and back to the dartboard. "He still has you" just like me, Elena is all I have left now. Although to be fair, I didn't have all that many other people to begin with.
"You okay?" she asks softly, because apparently my deflection skills work brilliantly on everyone who is not Elena. "What makes you think I'm not okay?" I ask instead of directly answering her question because no, I am most assuredly not okay, and no I don't wanna talk about it.
"Well, you're day-drunk, it's not exactly you're most attractive look" huh, well that's interesting. "What is my most attractive look?" I ask as I walk over to her and do the 'eye-thing' that she loves to hate. Or hates to love, one or the other.
"Ah, ah, I'm not saying that you have any attractive looks, I'm just saying that this is my least favourite one" yeah her deflection skills suck too because I can hear how quickly her heart is racing. God I love that, seriously, it's one of the best things about being a vampire.
"Noted. I'll see if I can make any improvements" I really would like to kno-
"Don't mind me" shit. Klaus. I take a quick step so that I'm shielding Elena at least a little bit.
"You're gonna do this at the Grill?" I don't wanna die at the damn Grill! He coulda come up with something a little more...fitting, right? "It's a little beneath you, don't you think?" – "I don't know what you're talking about. I just came down to my local pub to grab a drink with a mate" he turns to look at his...slave, I'm assuming, and Elena's sharp little breath lets me know that something else is going on there.
"My sister seems to be missing, need to sort that out" oh well, we wouldn't know anything about that. "Cute, blonde bombshell? Psycho? Shouldn't be too hard to find" Klaus walks over to me and takes my darts, says he 'fancies' a home here which sounds distinctly unpleasant for us.
"As long as I get what I want and everyone behaves themselves you can go on living your little lives however you choose" he turns to Elena, "you have my word" and she asks the question I want to know the answer to.
"What more could you possibly want?" – "Well for starters you can tell me where I might find Stefan" he's gotten a little too close to Elena for my liking, although I'm perfectly aware that of all of us she's the only one he won't actually kill.
"Stefan skipped town the second he saved your ass" I tell him as I come to stand in front of her again, "well you see that is a shame. Your brother stole from me. I need him found so I can take back what's mine" what the hell could Stefan possible have stolen from Klaus? And more to the point, why?
"That sounds like a Klaus and Stefan problem" my brave, brave girl speaks up and Klaus starts to walk towards her but I move in front of her again. Seriously I think it's just become an involuntary reaction. I don't think about it. I don't hesitate. I see danger to Elena. I act.
Klaus smiles and laughs under his breath "well this is me broadening the scope sweetheart" he responds to Elena.
Okay. She needs to go home, where she is safe, right now. She can go sort out her brother and I can go try and find mine. I wonder if Bonnie could do a locater spell on him since I'm clearly getting nowhere fast calling him incessantly.
I'm pouring myself another drink and contemplating 'attractive looks' when an unwelcome presence makes himself known in my house.
"I think it's about time we had a drink, don't you?" Klaus. He's very, cavalier, considering I just tried to end him. Question is, what does he want?
"You've been busy, what with all you're plotting and scheming" – "You know me. Never miss a chance to plan an epic failure" and now we're discussing said death-attempt. This is getting weird.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, who could have guessed your own brother would betray you?" yeah see, that's the point that's still bugging the hell out of me. I don't understand why he did it. I mean I know my brother and he wanted Klaus dead. He's just not that good a liar.
Klaus asks again if I know where Stefan is hiding out but I really don't and even if I did I wouldn't tell him. I fix myself another drink, liberally dosed with vervain. Yum! And what I really want to know is what Stefan took from him.
"He stole something?" – "My family, The Originals. I had them daggered, boxed up awaiting the day when I saw fit to wake them and he went in and pinched the bloody lot" right, well that's not creepy at all. And wow, my brother has guts who'd have thought? Still does nothing to explain why though.
"Of course he did. Ah, such a buzz-kill my baby bro. Well I'd love to find him, just, the trouble is I sure as hell don't work for you" and I want to find him for completely different, yet valid, reasons.
"Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I told you to find Stefan. Oh well, it seems you people respond best to displays of violence. Why don't you take this as an example of my reach" he takes his phone out and oh god who is he calling? I do not like displays of violence. Okay that's a lie. I do not like Klaus violence.
Jeremy fucking Gilbert. He compelled Jeremy to stand in front of a speeding hybrid. The same hybrid who was following Elena this morning as she finally informs me. Why didn't she tell me this earlier? Hybrid needs to die now.
"How is he?" I ask Elena as I walk into the house. Ric's dead right now; he pushed Baby Gilbert out of the way. "He had his ring. Now we just wait" she responds. Yeah, it took quite a while the last time; we probably should get that ring checked out.
"Jeremy? Why aren't you wearing vervain?" at the least. Honestly we should all just be inhaling the stuff what with all this compulsion flying around the place. "Where's your bracelet?" – "I don't know" Elena tells us that it was Tyler who must have taken the bracelet and I tell them what I learned from Klaus's impromptu visit.
"Coffins?" Elena asks when I'm done. "Yep, so all we have to do is find 4 coffins and voila! No one else on your family's Christmas card list needs to die" I hope. Because honestly that list is becoming desperately, depressingly, short.
"Wait, that's your big plan? To steal back 4 dead Originals so this evil hybrid doesn't kill me and everyone else we know?" well, yes Jeremy, essentially.
"You got a better idea?" – "Yeah. Let's get the hell outta here, pack our bags and go" – "Hey Jeremy calm down" – "No, no I'm not gonna calm down Elena. This happens every time no matter what we do. None of us are gonna make it out of this town alive" yeah well he might be right but I already tried that suggestion and no one was too willing to listen to me then so I somehow doubt that much has changed.
"He said he wants his family back" yeah Elena, that's what...no! "No. I know what you're thinking. The answer's no" Rebekah, that's what she's thinking. Absolutely not. ""First thing she does is kill you. Frying pan; fire. Not an option."
"Klaus's coffins" huh "How many did you say there were?" how did we get from Rebekah to the coffins? I'm confused!
Elena comes back inside after a minute and fills me in, making me less, confused. Not only does she know where the coffins are, she also knows where my brother is. Apparently he's been having a little help from a witch, or a hundred.
We get up to the witches house and almost as soon as we're inside I'm burning in the damn sun again. "Really, still?" Elena tells me to go wait outside, "I'm not leaving until I know if he's here" ah dammit. I run back outside and listen in on their conversation. No not because I'm a dick but because she's alone with Stefan and who the hell knows what rule book that boy is playing from right now.
It does not go...well. Their conversation that is. Elena tells Stefan what happened with Jeremy but my brother apparently doesn't care and gets a slap across the face for his words. Better him than I is all I can say.
"That didn't go over well" I say as Elena comes storming out "don't even start Damon" –"let me talk to him" and knock some sense into him. "You can't get in, the witches won't let you" – "here" I take her hand and give her my keys. "You go deal with your brother. I'll deal with mine" and the damn witches. I wonder if she knows how much of a big deal it is that I just gave her my car. Nobody drives my car. Ever. Yep. I really love this girl.
And now I have a pain in the ass brother to sort out. I run through the house as quickly as possible but it still burns and hurts like hell. Better be worth it. "Wow that was impressive, but the coffins aren't here so...you can go away now" yeah you wish brother.
"I don't care about the coffins. We need to talk" I stand up right in the middle of a ray of sunlight. God dammit! "Okay let's talk" well yeah but not here, there's no space! "Nothing's ever easy with you is it?" I grab him and rush up the stairs and finally out of the fucking death-trap house.
As he tries to get off the ground I kick him back down and grab a branch from the nearest tree to use as a makeshift stake which I waste no time in plunging into his stomach. "That is for my screwing up my plan. You stopped me from killing Klaus and you steal his family: why? It doesn't make sense" I twist the branch a little and he's screaming in pain "answer me."
"Piece by piece Klaus took everything from me; I'm doing the same to him" nope not good enough. Not the truth.
"But I had him Stefan. Why'd you screw it up?" I ask and twist the branch a third time.
"I did it to save you" wha-
My momentary distraction allows Stefan to push me away from him and I go flying backwards onto the ground.
"What? No. No way. You didn't do this for me" 'it'll be because he loves you'
"He was one step ahead of us. If Klaus died his hybrids would have killed you" 'you'll be the one to save him from himself'
"When are you gonna get it through your head? Stop saving me" 'it'll be because he loves you'.
Elena's voice, Elena's words run on a loop through my mind.
My brother saved my life. Again. He found his humanity. Put aside his desire for Klaus's destruction. For me. And then he took his family for revenge. Really it's rather...okay I'm a little proud I admit it. Hell I would've done exactly the same thing.
Stef won't admit why he saved me but I know so instead I convince him to let me in on the revenge games which means going back inside the witches house. Only they're not hurting me now because I'm on their side, yep there's nothing like a common enemy to make former foes, friends. Or in this case, to make dead witches amenable. Such fickle little things; witches, and they are hiding the coffins so now we're all allies. Dead witches, my stupid ass brother, and me; what a team.
Then I get a frantic phone call from an Elena who is about to fall to pieces. Jeremy killed the hybrid from earlier on their front porch and Ric is in the hospital due to a somewhat faulty 'come back to life' ring.
I head to the hospital first and heal Ric up with some of my blood, he owes me one. Maybe I should just donate some blood to the cause, give them a few bottles of it to carry around in case anyone else tries to kill someone I love at any given moment. After disposing of the headless hybrid I head back to see Elena.
"How are you?" – "I think I got most of the blood off the porch" – "Elena" that's not what I asked. "Look at me" please. She turns around to face me, "It's gonna be okay" I tell her. We'll figure it out.
"I have to tell you something. I uh, made a deal with Klaus. I gave him Rebekah" – "What? No no no no, you did not do that" but she did. She says Klaus won't let Rebekah kill her and that she didn't have any other choice, she did it for her brother.
"It's not right. It's not fair. He's 16 years old, he shouldn't have to live like this" she says and I know but what can we do? It is what it is.
"Elena" – "There has to be another way. We have to fix this" – "We will" I come up behind her and turn off the water that she's hoping will cover the sound of her tears. "Hey, Elena, hey" I spin her around gently so she's looking at me again and clasp her face between my hands "we will" I promise her. We'll fix it. Somehow.
Or, I'll fix it. Elena finds another way. Compulsion. Yep that's always good for fixing problems.
"Your sister thinks we should have another one of our little talks" I tell Jeremy and I compel him. To Denver of all places. Ric tells me to tell Jer to leave Mystic Falls behind and never think twice about it but I look to Elena for guidance. Jeremy is her brother after all, but she nods, and I compel. "You're gonna have a better life Jeremy" at least we're getting someone the hell outta dodge.
I follow Elena out on to the very well cleaned porch. Really, the girl did almost as good a job of it as I would have. "I feel like a horrible person" – "You just saved his life Elena. Take it from me, estranged is bad; dead is worse" she brings up the fact that we compelled him before but it's not a big deal and I refuse to let her torture herself for protecting the people she loves.
"He's so lucky to have you for his sister" I tell her as I come to stand by her. And I understand that she feels guilty, but at least he'll be alive to hate her if it comes to that. She's really just taking a page out of my playbook. What Baby Gilbert said earlier was right, and Elena's made the right choice, even if it doesn't feel much like it right now.
But I get it, the guilt. I feel it, god I hate it, guilt, it's such a heavy emotion, sometimes it's almost too much to carry alone. Stefan got himself into this whole sorry situation by saving my life and now? Now he's involved himself in something even deeper, saving my life again, seriously Stefan, learn to let a brother go.
But I wouldn't. I know; if it was Stefan, I'd have done the same thing. Problem is; it's never Stefan is it? It's always him cleaning up after me, fixing the mistakes I make. He never fucks up so epically that I have to go running off after him, saving him. Not that that's a bad thing really.
"Thank you" Elena says "No problem" – "Not just for this Damon, for everything. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here" wow, really? She needs me? God and she looks like she's actually going to kiss me but she can't. I can't.
I take a step back because I have to tell her something first, I have to tell her the truth. Besides, what fun is love, without complications?
"You should know this Elena, Stefan didn't screw us over. He screwed us over but he had a good reason" well, 'good reason' is debatable but a reason nonetheless. "What?" – "He saved Klaus to save me. And then he stole the coffins to get even"
And now that I've managed to put the spotlight well and truly back on my brother I suppose I'll be off. Away from cursed front porches and brutal truths.
"Damon if he did it to protect you then...why would he even do that, I mean, what does that even mean?" well it means a whole buncha stuff that I don't even want to begin thinking about right now.
"What does it mean? It means I'm an idiot 'cause I thought for one second that I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore" – "Wait, what are you talking about? Guilty for what?" oh honey you probably don't wanna know the answer to that. So. I simplify it for her.
"For wanting what I want" I see the understanding of what's left unsaid dawn in her eyes as she either struggles to breathe or struggles to find the words to break me again. "Damon" she whispers my name with eyes that refuse to be removed from my lips and if only this girl would reconcile the pieces of her heart and her mind we wouldn't have such damn problems.
I give her an out, as always, so she doesn't have to say the words. "I know, believe me, I get it; brother's girl and all" and I turn to go. In fact, I make it all the way down one step.
Screw. That.
"No" I told the truth. I did the right thing for the right reasons and she still wants me. She might not love me but I'm not fucking asking her too, but I know damn well she wants.
"If I'm gonna feel guilty about something, I'm gonna feel guilty about this" I have to take this chance while I can so I do. I kiss her. And she kisses me back.
And this? This right here on this front porch should have been our very first kiss. And in a lot of ways it is, in all the important ways, it is.
It's soft and warm and tantalising and there is a fire in ever priceless second of it that I've never experienced before. Ever. Elena reaches up and covers my hand with her, simultaneously pulling me closer to her and she tastes like heaven and I have no words. Just. Heaven.
When I pull away she's breathless and breathtaking and beautiful. And she doesn't slap me which is nothing but a win for me.
That kiss, that was graceful, it was gentle, it was golden but you know what it wasn't? Guilty, it wasn't guilty. And I don't feel guilty for it. And I won't. I couldn't bring myself to if I wanted to.
She's looking at me as if she's never seen me before in her life and I give her a little smile.
"Goodnight"
Dear Diary,
Someone once said that "there are no easy choices, but decisions have to be made, and things have to be done" I'm not sure who it was that said it but boy were they right. And today has put all of my choices, my decisions, and my ability to get things done to the test.
I was at the Grill with Bonnie earlier when Damon and Ric told me that Jeremy had been fired from work, he's been withdrawn and moody ever since Bonnie broke up with him and I didn't know how to help him. Damon was getting drunk and I told him that his 'day-drunk' wasn't his most attractive look, which was obviously silly of me because then he asked me what his most attractive look is. Of course I didn't answer that question.
But the answer? Damon's most attractive look is the one he gives me when it's just the two of us, it's Damon, unguarded, defences down, it's the purity and the devotion in his eyes, the way he looks at me as if I'm the only person in the world, as if I'm the only person he ever wants to look at.
And then Klaus came and ruined the moment. It's funny, the way Damon protects me, is always so intent on protecting me. He takes these steps, I don't even know if he's aware that he's doing it, but suddenly he's just there, standing in front of me, desperate to save me even if it means losing his life in the process. That scares me about Damon; he really would die to save me. But then where would I be?
Jeremy killed a hybrid tonight. He chopped his head off on the front porch and it was terrifying and wrong and I had to do something. It's not right that my brother should have to live like this; he's too young, too innocent to be dragged into this world. So I asked Damon to compel him. I know I said I would never do it again but I have no choice. It's the only way to protect him, to keep him safe, to keep him alive.
We're sending him to Denver, we have family friends there who will take him in, and he deserves the chance to have a normal life, a better life. But it still hurts so much, to have to send him away, and if he finds out I don't know if he will ever forgive me, not after the last time. But like Damon said, at least he'll be alive, even if he does hate me.
Damon kissed me tonight. I kissed Damon tonight. He told me that Stefan saved Klaus to save him and then he kissed me.
It was amazing, incredible. Indescribable really. It was everything it was supposed to be, it was our first real kiss. God he really is an amazing kisser, it felt so right to be kissing Damon and he tastes...divine, like bourbon and spice and glorious sin that's all deliciously, Damon.
And there was all this heat, I've never felt before, it's like tiny explosions were going off throughout my entire body and I don't know what it was but god I loved it, every single second of it.
And Damon said that if he was going to feel guilty about something then he would feel guilty about kissing me but I don't think he will, because I don't. I can't. How can I possibly feel guilty about something that I've wanted for so long? That I've denied at every turn? I can't feel guilty about the best kiss I've ever had in my life.
But it can't happen again. No matter how good it felt, no matter how right it felt. It just can't happen again. There's too much...too many other problems...Stefan, without adding me and Damon into the mix. I just can't let it happen again.
Elena