"You need to promise me not to freak out until you hear every single word I have to say" she said, still holding my hand. I didn't know what to say so I just nodded. "So, you and Quinn have been a couple since when? Graduation?" she said.
"No, that was when we became a couple openly. We were dating for a month or so before that" I said.
"And you didn't find anything about Quinn weird?"
"No" I answered. I felt how I got nervous by the seconds that passed. My head was spinning and moments I shared with Quinn were flashing before my eyes.
"Still haven't?" she said.
"No"
"You remember how I told you I used to date her?" I nodded. "She was never really in love with me. I lied to you, and if she said she was, she was lying to herself"
"Why is that important?"
"Quinn is very special, Santana"
"I know that"
"Not in the way you think she is. She lives in a different world, when our world is white hers is black and she has three different personalities"
"So?" I was confused because I didn't really understand what Rachel was saying.
"So, she's very complicated. There is so much you need to know but I'm still not sure about the fact that you won't freak out"
"I'm not going to freak out, I won't" I assured her.
"Can you hold that promise? Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Three weeks ago, Quinn called me," Rachel started "I picked up because I didn't know her number - she told me she wanted to get back together with me" she looked at me, her lower lip looked like it was shaking but I couldn't think clearly or see clearly enough to focus on it. "I said no, because it wasn't the first time she approached me while you two have been together"
"She's been che-cheating on me?" I asked, my voice shaky and my hand unsteady.
"Of course not, she loves you so much Santana" Rachel answered.
"What the hell are you saying then?"
"I told you, it's very confusing" she smiled.
"Rachel, explain to me if you don't want me to freak out"
"Quinn thought I was you"
"What does that even mean?"
"Like I told you, she lives in another world, a world created by herself. These three different personalities she has are three whole different people and one of them created a world where you and her are broken up and she tries to get you back. In that world, Santana is played by me"
I stared at Rachel's face for a long time - waiting for her to laugh so I could breathe and laugh about her joke. Almost a minute passed and she was still just looking back at me. And I noticed the lip shaking. She was nervous, it couldn't be a joke. However, it couldn't be reality either.
I thought about the time Quinn told me she had those mental illnesses, she told me the doctors were lying and she cried while I held her tightly against my chest just to minutes later go back to her same self, or the self she had that I knew about. I thought about when she told me she had the same shrink for nine years and how the shrink told her she might be diagnosed with Schizophrenia. If I'm right, Schizophrenia is when you have difficulties separating reality with your fantasies. I needed to check up on it.
"Santana?" Rachel waved her hand in front of my face.
"Are you telling me the truth?" I asked her, my voice was calm.
"Yes"
"Why were you so weird then? The unknown number, the no talking on the phone and the texts.. Why couldn't you just tell me it was you?"
"I didn't want to risk that Quinn would see I texted you. You know she's overly jealous and we both know how she would react.. Especially to my texts saying I want to kiss you and all" a look I had never seen before was given to me by Rachel.
"I-it doesn't change anything," I stopped the stare "you still kind of scared me like that" I said.
"I'm sorry" she reached for my hand again. I didn't bother shaking it off. I was so confused.
"Is there more?"
"Well, you know about her three personalities, they're not dangerous, that's not what I meant when I told you Quinn wasn't good for you. What I meant was the fact that she could literally just wake up one day and think you're someone else, she see's things we can't see"
"How do you know she loves me?" I couldn't help but asking.
"Santana," she laughed "the only person she's being Quinn with, is you. With me she's not Quinn, she's another person who once ended her relationship with you.. With some people she's the most evil, cruel and awful person there could ever be"
"I know that Quinn as well" I said, thinking about how she used to be towards me. "Rachel?"
"Yes?"
"I haven't really broken up with her"
Just when I said that I heard a knock on the door. It couldn't be my parents, they both had keys. My grandmother - in the hospital. No one else but Quinn would just show up like that. I stared at Rachel and watched her jump up as fast as I did seconds before her. I walked towards the door, Rachel was right behind me. I pushed the doorknob down and there she was, she had her 'I'm sorry' look on her face.. Until she saw Rachel.
"Santana..?"
I woke up in my bed and I directly knew that it was morning. I looked for my phone to see the clock, it was right next to me. 11:30am. I had gotten no texts or calls. I struggled to get out of bed, I used every muscle I had and walked out of my room. As soon as I reached the hallway I started smelling eggs cooking and bread roasting. I walked into the kitchen and saw Quinn. I looked into the living room, both my parents were sitting there.
"What are you doing here Quinn?" I stood by the door.
"Good morning," she took some steps closer to me, feeling my forehead "how are you feeling?"
"You need to go" I said.
"What?" her whole face turned red. "Why?"
"You thought I was Rachel yesterday.. You kept telling her you love her"
"I don't love Rachel" she answered and her left eyebrow rose as if I was talking about something that never happened. "What are you saying?"
"You need to leave, please" I tried to be quiet so my parents wouldn't hear.
"Santana how hard did you hit your head yesterday?" she laughed.
"Stop it, stop trying to turn it around and make me look like the victim"
"Sit down and talk to me, I don't understand" she took my hand and directly my whole body was set on fire. I felt alive.
"Are you serious?" I asked.
"Santana, really," she looked right into my eyes "I have no idea what's happening. I came over here yesterday to apologize, you know for leaving when were talking on the porch and I knocked on the door and you opened it up for me and just fainted. So I put you to bed"
I didn't know what to say so I just stared at Quinn. In my mind, I had been talking to Rachel and we had been discussing Quinn just when she knocked on the door. Quinn was all over Rachel saying she wanted her back and that she missed her. She was calling her Santana over and over again, it was like I wasn't there. That was how much I thought remembered from that day.
"San, are you okay? Do you want me to get your parents?" I asked.
"I don't understand"
"What don't you understand?" she said.
"Anything, where's Rachel? How did you get in here?"
"I came back like one hour ago to check up on you but your parents said you were sleeping so I was asked to come in and wait for you. I then decided to make you breakfast" she quickly looked at the eggs and then back at me. "And about Rachel, I don't know? Why are you so hung up on her, did you dream about her?"
She was just like I remembered her. Jealous, stressed, she was all the things I knew about her. All the things but what I was told by Rachel. Maybe it was a dream, maybe Quinn was telling the truth?
"I don't know.." I didn't understand if I was still in a dream anymore.
"What don't you know? For God's sake Santana you need to be more clear if you want me to help you"
"I can't tell if this is a dream or reality"
Quinn quickly got up and called for my parents, in less than fifteen seconds they were both in the kitchen with Quinn and me.
"What's going on?" my dad said and felt my forehead. "You're not hot, are you feeling sick?"
"No, dad" I hated it when he got all doctor and tried to see if something was wrong with me. I mean it was good that he was a doctor and all but I felt more comfortable when I saw other doctor's that weren't my dad.
"Then what is it? You look nauseous" my mother said.
"She said she can't tell if this is a dream or reality" Quinn said.
"Come, we're going to the hospital"
"Dad no, I don't have to see someone. I'm just still very tired. Let me go to sleep"
"Honey what were you doing yesterday while we were with grandma?"
"I was talking to Rachel about Quinn"
"Who is Rachel?" my dad asked, looking at Quinn.
"It's a girl from our old school but we really haven't seen her for a long time" Quinn said, the fact that she sounded so confident made me even more confused.
"And she wasn't here when Santana opened the door?"
"No, she was all alone"
"Stop lying Quinn! Stop lying to them!" I shrugged off my father's hold. "You know you're a liar! You came in and you told Rachel you loved her because you thought she was me, I know you know this! Stop doing this to me!"
I looked at the three people before me and all of them were just simply shocked. Quinn's face was speechless, she looked like she'd just seen a ghost. My mother had her hand over her mouth and my dad just looked very worried.
"Let's go" he took me by the arm.
"Let go of me, I don't want to see a fucking doctor!"
"Can I just talk to her? Alone" Quinn said.
My parents nodded and left the room, I saw my mom take the eggs off the stove before leaving.
"Santana please, stop doing this.. You're inside a dream and you need to act normal if you don't want them to take you to the hospital"
"You have to stop lying to me then, tell me the truth"
"The problem is that you know the truth but you keep pushing it away, thinking you've talked to Rachel"
"Give me my phone, I'll show you everything" I said.
Quinn went to my room to get my phone and when she was back she placed it right in my hands.
"Look, here are all the texts" I pressed on the message icon and it was empty. Rachel's number wasn't there, only previous conversations with Quinn and my mother. Nothing from Rachel.
"Where..?"
"It got deleted, wait I can show you that she called me" I scrolled through the numbers and it was gone. "Did you delete everything?" I looked up at her.
"Will you please stop?" Quinn started to sound angry.
"You will tell me the truth if you truly love me, Quinn"
She looked right into my eyes and sat down beside me.
"I love you more than anything, I hate seeing you like this and I hate that I can't help you. I don't know what else I can say, I don't understand what you're saying about Rachel"
"So it never happened?"
"Not where I found you, Santana. I think you were dreaming"
"You think?"
"Yes, please don't act like that I don't want them to take you to the hospital" she said and came closer to my face. I felt her warm breath on me, it was something I felt like I missed "I mean, it's kind of pissing me off that you dreamt about Berry but hey what can I do?" she smirked.
"Nothing" I let out a insecure laugh.
"Let's just get some food into you" she said.
Quinn first went out and told my parents I was okay before coming back in. I knew they wouldn't let it go but they accepted the answer for the moment. She prepared a plate for me and put it in front of me, I stared at the food and looked up at Quinn again.
"What now?" she said.
"Nothing, nothing"
I started eating just to seem busy. I couldn't shake the feeling off - something was going on, I was being messed with.
"Is it good?" she asked. I nodded. "Santana are you really okay?" she worried.
"No Quinn, I'm not" I answered. "I know you're still hiding what happened yesterday"
Quinn shook her head and stood up. She took the plate away from in front of me and put it in the sink. She took my hand and pulled me up to my room.
"Get dressed, we're going to see Rachel now. I don't know what else to do to make you understand that you're being totally crazy right now, if you don't trust me, you'll have to trust her"
"What?"
"Get dressed" she said again and left the room.
I got dressed and we drove to Rachel's house, Quinn knew where it was. Around fifteen minutes later we were there and walking towards the door. Quinn looked so upset, she looked like she just wanted it to be over - as if nothing happened. Rachel would prove her wrong.
"Knock" she said.
I knocked on the door and waited, nobody opened up. I knocked again and after some seconds Rachel was there. Her eyes widened as soon as she saw us. Her mouth opened and she looked more than just surprised to see us.
"Quinn.. Santana, hey" she awkwardly said.
"Go ahead, San" Quinn nudged me.
"What's going on?"
"Talk then" the blonde was annoyed.
I looked at Rachel for a long while before speaking, her face was different. So was her hair. She didn't look like she did the day before. She had colored the ends of her hair, they were blonde. After I had stared for a while, Sam, the blonde guy from school who I didn't know still was her boyfriend showed up by the door as well.
"What's going on?" he asked, looking at Rachel.
"I don't know, Santana wants to ask me something"
"W-why.."
"Why what?" Rachel's face was priceless, she looked as confused as a lost toddler.
I started thinking - maybe it was all just a dream and I was being stupid. But no, it couldn't be a dream, it had been going on for two-three days, I didn't sleep for that long. I remembered being with Quinn too the same day I met Rachel, I remembered being up. It couldn't be a dream. I wasn't being crazy.
"Stop lying to me, all of you" I calmly said.
"Santana please, it's obvious she doesn't understand anything" Quinn answered.
"What's happening? Can someone please explain?" Rachel asked.
"Y-you were with me yesterday, right?," I looked at the lost face "we spoke about Quinn and how she was dangerous and we met at the schoolyard.. You texted me to go meet you there. Then you came to my house"
"I don't recall something like that happening.."
"Yesterday me and Rachel were actually apartment hunting" her boyfriend giggled.
I looked up at Quinn and she looked proud - happy that she was right. Yet, it still felt like I was being messed with.
"Santana are you okay?" Rachel asked me, the brunette took a step outside and looked at me.
"I know you're all lying to me!" the anger inside me rose and I didn't know how to control it. "Stop lying to me! You're making me look like I'm crazy on purpose!" and I started walking towards Quinn's car.
"Santana calm the fuck down" she pulled me back. "Stop it, stop doing this to yourself" she looked right into my soul and honest to God, it was the only thing I felt was real at the moment. "Can you hear me?" she took me by the shoulders.
"I-I think so"
"Santana, Rachel told you the truth. Her boyfriend even told you they were looking for apartments yesterday, I'm telling you the truth - you're the only one who still believes what you're saying" she calmly said. "Do you still not believe me? Or them?"
"Rachel's hair was different yesterday, Quinn.. It wasn't blonde at the ends. It was only brown"
Quinn furrowed her eyebrows and looked at me like I was crazy. It was obvious she didn't know what to say. She looked back at Rachel and Sam, waved at them and walked me into the car. I sat down next to her and closed my eyes for some seconds until I opened them up again. All of the sudden - Quinn's hair wasn't down, her hair was in a ponytail - she wasn't wearing black pants and a jeans jacket, she was wearing her cheerleading outfit. I looked down at my thighs, I was wearing a cheerleading outfit as well.. I pulled my skirt up and I had fresh scars on my thighs.
"Are we going to school?" I asked her.
"School?" she said.
"What time is it, aren't we late?"
"Santana, I'm taking you to the hospital. We're not going to school"
"Okay" I said, not even fighting it. I didn't fight it because I didn't understand why she was really taking me to the hospital. "I'm happy you're so supportive and want to meet my grandmother too, Quinn. It means a lot to me"
Then again, everything was blurry. I was in my regular clothes again. So was Quinn. I started hearing voices in my head. Screams. It sounded like my own scream. I was screaming, I was being attacked. "You're worthless!" It was all threatening. I had been hearing these voices in my head for a long while, for months, but it was never really as loud as it was that time in the car. It was mostly whispers. But I became friends with the whispers after all the time they had been in my mind. Not the screams though, the screams were new, they were loud.
"Come on, San.. Let's go in" Quinn calmly said.
Before she had the chance to open the door for me my phone ringed. I picked it up and answered. It was my mother.
"Santana, come to the - to the hospital, right now" she was crying.
"Why? What's happening?"
"It's grandma"
And just like that on September the 1st, my grandmother died. But the only issue I had in mind, the only thing I was wrestling all the way into the hospital was if it was really happening - yes, the world around me was moving very quickly, Quinn was dragging me in there in a rush. I heard her say stuff. I felt shut down even though I was alive. I mean, I knew what was going on.. Yet I was insecure about the fact that it was all actually going on. I had a mixed feeling of knowing what reality and my imagination was. I was a victim of my own thoughts.
I'm updating again because you had to wait a long while before my last chapter and I promised to update more often! Don't forget to tell me what you think in the reviews!