I didn't like this chapter ugh

I screwed up.

I have to make up for it.

Right now, Louisa is clinging to Minho like he's some sort of savior. I can tell she's crying, even if it's silent, and it hurts to know it's my fault. All I wanted to do was save her, and all I did was hurt her.

I hate you, Newt, and I wish I never loved you.

For some reason, I feel like I deserved to be told that. I said some awful things, but…so did she. Unlike you, I plan on protecting mine. Why did I say that? I knew it was a weak spot for her, and that if I said it she would be pissed, but in that moment I was blinded by my anger. I let it control me.

It's just, something in my mind doesn't feel right. I feel like I could go off on anyone at any second. One wrong word, and I have to bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut. Or, like with Louisa, I end up going off on them and making them cry.

I wish things were like they were back in the Maze.

Compared to right now, things were so simple back then. I know what was going on between Louisa and Reed, and that Louisa was having a hard time, but right now, she looks so shattered.

And part of that is my fault.

Bloody hell. What have I done?

Now she's going to get kidnapped, and put herself at risk of getting hurt or raped and it's all so she can have a prosthetic. If she gets hurt, it'll be my fault. I know Jorge was the one that suggested amputating the leg, but I should have stood up and said no.

But then she would have died from the infection by now. She's smart enough to know that, and she still hates me. The look on her face when she said it was so pained, and she looked like she was holding back tears.

" We gotta get some of that dirt and blood off of you. There's a department store across the street. We should be able to find something that'll fit you. " Nandini says, grabbing Louisa's arm and pulling her away from Minho. Her red, puffy eyes widen as she stumbles. Nandini starts to walk off, leaving Louisa to balance on one leg. Her eyebrows are creased in concentration and her face is pale. Minho makes a move to stand, but Louisa stops him.

" Don't help me yet, " Her voice is heavy and thick from where she was crying, " I have to learn. "

Minho stands anyway. Louisa hears his movements and glares at him over her shoulder, but Minho looks unfazed.

" I'm just here if you fall. "

That should be me. But she doesn't want me to help her.

She doesn't want me to be by her side anymore.

My eyes start to sting and I squeeze them shut, trying to force thoughts about Louisa out of my mind. It's hard, considering I've thought about her for the majority of the past three months. Always wondering how she is, what she's doing, and if she's happy. The way her eyes light up when she smiles, or how she's determined. How soft her hands are despite what she's been through. Or, when she's nervous and she bites her bottom lip. I'm not even sure she notices she does that.

Dammit, I'm thinking about her again.

I sigh and open my eyes, watching Minho carry Louisa across the street with Nandini leading them. There are much more important things to worry about, like if we're all going to survive, or where Thomas and Brenda are. I shouldn't be thinking about how Louisa hates me. I have to push that aside and be a leader for the Gladers.

It's easier said than done.

….

Fuck my life. I'm so close to giving up. The only thing that keeps me from laying in the street and letting the Cranks eat me is that I have a brother out there, and he deserves to know what happened. Oh, and the fact that the world is ending already and everything will be over soon.

Or it could turn into a utopia and Noah's dream will be realized.

Either way, I just want to have a break.

" There's very little running water, so we'll have to make due with using a cloth to wipe you down. " Nandini says, venturing further into the store as I stay there with Minho. Or, rather, he doesn't make a move to follow her.

" She better not put me in something slutty. " I mumble as I scan the mostly empty store. There are a few clothes hanging on the racks, some covered in dirt and others with splatters of dried blood on them. The floor is dusty too, but I doubt you could find a place that didn't have sand in it.

I miss the Maze, when everything was simple. Or, as simple as it could get.

" Hmm. If we weren't in the Scorch and you weren't about to get kidnapped, then I wouldn't mind. "

" Asshole. " I mumble, resting my chin on his shoulder, ignoring how my heart fluttered.

Nandini crouched behind one of the counters, her body disappearing from my sight. I used to think she was like a sister, and I kind of still do, but I can't help but despise her right now. She said something that pissed me off, and I was going to put her in her place, but then Newt interrupted, defending someone he doesn't even know.

That led to me telling him I hate him.

It was like the light in his eyes went out when I said that. I regret it; I honestly do. But what am I supposed to do now? Me, the idiot, broke whatever Newt and I had. Whatever we could've salvaged is gone now. But, I still don't know if I wanted to salvage any of it. It was cracked, fractured, poisoned. I could feel him slowly drifting away for a while, not helping me, keeping his distance. I should've done something! I should've spent more time with him, but it's not like I could've. I was dying.

" You okay? " Minho asks, putting a hand on my arm.

" No. " I say quietly as Nandini squeals. She jumps up from behind the counter, holding makeup. Makeup.

" We might just make you pretty. " She says, going to the racks and pulling off what seems like random shirts and clothes. Then she waves Minho over, into a side room. He carries me there, his steps seeming jarring. My head is still swimming from the loss of blood.

" How was your memory? " He asks as he walks. I smile softly.

" You got me drunk, and I called you a mean hoe and took you outside of WICKED. You were so scared. " I say. He laughs softly.

" I wish I could remember that. " He squeezes my arm. Whether it's on purpose or subconsciously, I don't know.

" You will. "I would promise it, but I'm never making another promise again. Not if I can help it. Promises don't make sense, anyway. How could someone trust me enough to carry through on that promise? Why would someone put so much faith in it?

We get to Nandini and she immediately says, " Take her pants off. "

Minho chokes and I start laughing.

" What? We need to get her dressed in these— " She holds up black skinny jeans. Black skinny jeans. How the hell did she manage to find those? " And this. " She holds up a flowy white shirt, low cut. " I can't do it myself. "

" I can't undress Louisa, that's not modest and she just— "

" Minho, when did you get so respectable? " I laugh, " It's fine. I don't mind. "

My heart is racing, but it's not like I'm going to tell him that.

It speeds up even more as he gently lets me stand on one leg, and keeps his hand on my back for stability. Calm down, calm down. His free hand goes to the button on my shorts and I suck in a breath. Why am I so nervous? I've never really been self-conscious before. But now, it's hitting me full force.

Maybe I do mind if he undresses me.

" Are you sure, Lo? " He asks as he undoes the button.

" I don't have a choice. " I say. Where did my breath go?

My pants fall to the floor. He doesn't even have to pull on them. They just fell. I look down at them with a frown. Lack of food probably caused that.

I grab the bottom of my shirt, arms crossed, and pull it over my head. The smell enters my nose and I almost gag. I have been wearing it for the past week, through sweat and grime. It only makes sense that it would stink. I toss it away from us and it lands with a puff of sand. I sway a little, but Minho puts his hand on my back and I steady myself.

" Thanks…. " I trail off as I look down.

I can count my ribs.

They're so prominent, and my stomach so sunken in. My hip bones are jutting out too. I look frail. How did this happen in such a short amount of time? Did the infection cause me to burn through calories faster? I don't even know.

" I guess I've lost weight. " I laugh lightly, though it was more of an exhale of air. I'm too skinny. It's unhealthy. I don't feel hungry—that's the scary part. It's like I've gotten used to not eating. There's a small ache, but it's not hunger. More of an emptiness.

" Alright, " Nandini says, ignoring my comment, " Hold her. I'll put the jeans on her. "

Then I'm jostled around like a rag doll.

Or, at least, that's what it feels like.

Minho hooks his arms under my armpits and Nandini grabs my leg. My back is pressed against Minho, and I can feel how fast and hard his heart is beating. Every once in a while I can feel it thud against my back and I look over my shoulder at him as Nandini puts my half-leg into the jeans after she takes my shoes off. His eyes are shut and a light sweat has broken out across his forehead.

The pressure put on my leg from the jeans causes me to hiss through my teeth. Pain surges through my thigh, urgent and demanding. Minho's arms tighten as if he was trying to comfort me, but the pain actually isn't that bad. It's more of a distraction. One I'm grateful for.

Focus on the pain. Not him.

The air in the room seems stale, and it's suffocating, but I would rather be here than across the street. I don't know if I can ever look Newt in the eye again.

Frustrated with how long Nandini is taking, I pull the jeans up the final six inches. She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest then tosses the white shirt at me. I catch it, frowning at the color. This would show blood stains too easily. What is she thinking?

" I don't like the color. " I say as Minho puts me on my feet—foot. White is too pure a color. It shows innocence.

" Deal with it. " Nandini says as I pull it over my head. I see several darkened areas on the material, stained by dirt and sand that drifts through the air. The sleeves go past my fingertips by about an inch, and they're loose around my forearms and tight around my biceps. The bottom of the shirt is loose as well, and it's tight around my chest. Really tight around my chest.

" It's too tight. " I say and Nandini stares at my chest, apparently assessing something. Or at least that's what I hope she's doing.

" No. It's perfect. " She pulls the makeup out and rummages through the bag. Humming all the while. How the hell would she know how to use makeup? I've never even used makeup and I've been in the safety of WICKED where it's plentiful.

" My boobs are practically falling out. " I say, frowning down at my chest. I hear Minho stifle a laugh from behind me. " Oh, shut up. "

" That's what we wanted. You're going to attract attention. " She pulls a tiny brush out of the bag and some kind of powder that's in a plastic container. I eye it warily as she approaches. It's dark, like the color of the night. " We don't have any foundation, so eyeshadow and lipstick will have to do. "

" No. " I say, wishing I could take a step back. " That's—I—Don't come near me with that. "

I raise my hands in a defensive position, palms out. She smiles at me. " Just close your eyes. "

" I— "

" Just do it, Louisa. This is to get you a prosthetic. " Minho says, putting his hand on one of my arms, lowering them and allowing Nandini to get closer.

" Or maybe they'll like the idea of someone who can't run. Who can't walk away. "

Minho pauses at that. And Nandini talks:

" That's a risk you'll have to take if you want to be able to get a prosthetic. Prove me wrong. Prove that your stronger than you seem—that you're willing to do whatever it takes to survive. "

I huff and cross my arms over my chest as I close my eyes. I immediately start lose my balance but Minho is already there, grabbing my shoulders and steadying me. I'm about to ask what's taking so long when Nandini pushes something on my eyelid. Everything in me screams to open my eye, but I know the brush will probably poke me if I do. I resist the urge to shove her away.

The brush goes from the corner of my eye, out toward my eyebrow. Nandini hums as she does this to both eyes. I flinch every time her brush touches my eyelid. The only reason I'm able to close my eyes and trust her is because Minho is here. He won't let me get hurt.

Unless he's like Newt.

No, no. I won't think like that. I won't let Newt's….betrayal ruin how I think of people. Not everyone is like that. Not everyone will—

" Stop crying, " Nandini says, " You'll ruin the makeup. "

Shit.

" Sorry. " I say as I feel something tickle my eyelashes. Nandini wipes her thumb across the top of my cheekbone, erasing the tears there. I'm so weak. I don't even realize I'm crying anymore. It's like it's become as natural as blinking or breathing.

I hate that.

" Are you sure you aren't putting too much? " Minho asks, sounding bored. His question causes my stomach to flip, but I couldn't care less about my appearance. Or at least, I don't think I do.

" Trust me. " Nandini says and I hear the sound of plastic clinking together and I open one of my eyes. She's got a tube of what I'm pretty sure is lipstick, and it's a rosy pink. My other eye opens, and I blink, my face feeling weird. I can feel the makeup on my eye, and I'm all too aware of the way Nandini is staring at me, her hand under her chin.

" This will have to work. " She says, grabbing my chin and forcing my mouth open slightly. She takes the lipstick and paints my lips with it, changing their color. I don't know what I look like, but I just need to attract attention. Hopefully, she's done her job right and made me look presentable.

" What are we going to do about her pants? " Minho says, looking down at the half of pants swaying from my small movements.

Nandini pulls a knife from her pocket and grabs it, cutting before Minho and I have a chance to react. The knife brushes my bandage and I suck in a breath, waiting for that spark of pain, but nothing happens. Next thing I know, the weight of the pants leg is falling, landing on the floor.

" A warning would've been nice. " I mumble.

She shrugs. " We're done. We should wait across the street, and kick you out in about twenty minutes when they come through looking for lost people. "

" Alright. " I say, hating the idea of going back over there. I just want to stay here, and ignore everyone. It's a shame I can't run away from my own thoughts.

" Actually, " Minho says, moving to stand beside me instead of in behind, " You go on ahead. We'll follow in a couple of minutes. "

Nandini looks between the two of us, then shrugs again before leaving the room. I listen to her quiet footfalls until they leave the store. Minho sits down on the floor, his hands leaving my shoulders. I lower myself until my leg is parallel to the ground, then I lean back with my hands and lower myself that way. I like to think I sat down gracefully, but it was more of a plop.

" What's wrong, Minho? " I ask, leaning back on my hands with my feet—foot—out in front of me.

" Everything. " He mumbles.

I close my eyes. " I know. "

Then, footsteps resonate throughout the main room. My eyes snap open and Minho pokes his head out through the door way, his body tense. I feel around for something I can use as a weapon, wishing I didn't feel so helpless. There's nothing here except sand that's peppered across the floor.

Minho slinks back, his eyes on mine, his posture still tense but he doesn't seem worried.

Then Newt strides into the room and freezes when his eyes lock onto my face.

I feel like crying again.

…..

I walk across the street, wondering what's taking them so long. Nandini walks out of the building, the door clanging shut behind her. She meets my eyes and smiles. I can't find the strength to smile back.

" They're in there. " She says as we pass. I nod and walk to the door, pushing it open and not seeing anything except empty clothing racks. Or, near empty. I don't see them, so they must be in the back room. I make my way towards the door in the other side and see Minho's head. He narrows his eyes at me before ducking back into the room, probably to warn Louisa about me. I regret what I said, and wonder if she does too. What if she doesn't? What if she—

Louisa doesn't look like Louisa.

Makeup is plastered on her face—her lips a soft pink, her eyes a dark black dusted with silver. The gray in her eyes is more prominent. I expect to see a glare there, but there is none. Instead, she looks tired. Like she's already given up.

" You okay? " I ask, trying not to look at her leg. It's my fault she got her leg cutoff. I caused her to run from us and hide in the bathroom. I left her alone.

" I'm fine. " She says, voice shaky. The words are dismissive. She doesn't want to talk to me.

Minho grabs my arm from behind me, standing now. He pulls me out of the room and I nearly trip. I came over here to talk to Louisa and see if she would say something more to me—I don't know what I want her to say, though.

" What the hell do you think you're doing? " Minho hisses under his breath as we come to a stop in front of a barren rack of clothes.

" Trying to apologize, Minho. " I say as I turn to walk back to the room, " Now if you would excuse me. "

" No, " Minho grabs my shoulder and pulls me back. I stumble, " No. You don't get to. She doesn't want you around anymore. I don't want you around her anymore. "

I ignore the sinking feeling in my heart.

" You know how she feels about her family. How guilty she is that she couldn't do anything and yet you go and say that to her? I really, really thought you cared about her more. Don't come near her again. "

My own best friend, siding with Louisa.

" At least let me say I'm sorry. " I sound exasperated, and the look on Minho's face softens the slightest bit. He might know how I feel—I don't know how long he's loved Louisa. I wonder if she loves him back. She just might since I pushed her away.

No, I won't think about that.

Minho nods. " You have three minutes. "

Three minutes to get Louisa to see me in a good light. To show her how sorry I am; to show her that I didn't mean for this to happen. Well, actually, I did since it saved her life, but I didn't mean to say that she couldn't protect her family. I know she can. She just chose us instead. And I chose taking her leg over taking her life. Now, she hates me. Or just really doesn't like me.

Three minutes to say an eternity's worth of apologies.

Bloody hell.

I walk back into the room, feeling the anger coming off of Louisa in waves now. I almost flinch under her glare, and for a moment I wish I'd never even come over here. The urge to run, run far from here and from her hits me but I keep my feet planted. I've never been nervous in front of Louisa—well at least not like this. Not in a way that made me want to walk away from her.

I hate you, Newt, and I wish I'd never loved you.

" What do you want? " She asks and I wonder if Minho is going to come in here. I really want him to stay out there.

" I'm sorry. "

A harsh laugh. " Sorry…. " She says, " Sorry is one word, a simple thing. Anyone can say it. "

" Lo, I truly am sorry. " I plead, trying to get her to believe me. It's like she's wielding a hammer, and she has the power to fix or break my heart.

I stride towards her and grab her hand, and to my surprise she doesn't try to wretch away.

" Please, you have to believe me. "

" Don't. " She whispers. " You hurt me. You promised you wouldn't hurt me. "

" I did it to save your life. " I say, rubbing my thumb over her bloodstained knuckles. " I'm sorry. "

" Please, stop. I don't.. " She chokes back tears and I wish my embrace would comfort her, but I would only make things worse. " Just, stay away. Give me time. "

I nod and stand, dropping her hand.

" I'll always love you, Louisa. "

She just closes her eyes and bites her wobbling lip.

I feel like a walking corpse as I trudge out of the room, past Minho, and back to the Gladers. Louisa. So much has happened between us, and I feel like it's coming to an end. But I refuse to give up. I won't let Louisa slip through my fingers. I love her too much; she's too special to me for me to just let her go.

I'll give her space and time. However much time she needs. I'll let her approach me.

Then, we'll be happy.

Poor Newt. Poor Louisa. Poor everyone. I feel so bad for them. Why must I put my character through such hell?

Anyway, hi, sorry I didn't update for almost two weeks. I'm starting to practice softball again and it's going good. Which means my wrist is healing and I will be able to type more, as soon as I find a balance in my schedule.

{ review responses }

The Tezzerax ~ Trueeee

Swagmaster5000 ~ DON'T SCREAM CHILD IT'LL BE OKAY

mazerunner26 ~ I'M SO NERVOUS I'M GOING TO SCREW THESE SHIPS UP SO I'M GLAD YOUR OKAY WITH MINHLO

fanficlaur ~ Okay, I'll only do her POV every other chapter then. It's becoming less and less relevant anyway, but there is one part that is needed.

Chipmunk1123 ~ It was one of the hardest and saddest chapters for me to write. I was about ready to start crying. In the beginning, when I first started writing the Mazerunner fic, Lewt was endgame. Now...I'm not so sure. Also, I WANT TO GIVE MINHO A HUG TOO

{ end of review responses }

I'm sorry if you guys didn't like this chapter since it was mainly Louisa getting primped up for what's his face. It was probably boring. I tried to squeeze some Minhlo in there, but honestly, Louisa is not thinking about that right now. I mean, she just had her heart ripped out and now Newt's is too. Two heartbroken characters. I think Newt is going to handle it differently though. Where was I going with this? Oh, yea. Next chapter, action picks up.

I have to reread the second half of the book. I think the stories are going to start weaving together again. Also, it looks like this is going to be longer than 100,000 words. YAY! This will be the longest story I have ever written and I'm so excited.

I'm going to go to ' sleep ' ( i'll be reading kaichou wa maid sama for about four hours ) so have a good night, evening, afternoon, morning!