A/N: So this was a slightly difficult one to write, although I ended up loving it in the end. But the whole atmosphere of this episode was sort of intense and I both love and hate this one. Anyway I hope it works for you guys. Also, it's long, like *really* long, so bring refreshments. And review! Please, 'cause I've been more nervous about this chapter than any other one so far. Speaking of reviews, for some reason FF won't let me view my reviews from yesterday which is why I haven't replied, does anyone know why it's being weird?
Heart Of Darkness
"All this devotion, I never knew at all
And the crashes are heaven/For a sinner released
The arms of the ocean, delivered me
Never let me go"
I have good news for a change. Elena and I are taking a trip to Denver. Together. Just the two of us. Alone.
I mean, we're going to pick up her baby 'bro and bring him home, hopefully find out who the daddy of our bloodline is along the way but still, it's me and Elena. On a road-trip. Alone. In my book, that's good news.
Also good news is that this impromptu trip means that I don't have to be the one to potentially torture the whereabouts of the last remaining White Oak stake out of my best friend. Not that I couldn't have done it, but I don't particularly want to. So Stefan is taking on that job.
Stefan. Who seems oddly, okay, with Elena and me travelling the country together. Alone. But hey, I'm not gonna complain. Also did I mention that we're gonna be alone?
Elena and I pack a bag for Ric who will be staying in the cellar of Casa Salvatore until his alter-ego comes out to play for long enough to tell us where he hid the stake. I slipped a copy of Jekyll & Hyde in his bag when Elena wasn't looking. I figured Ric'd appreciate the irony.
Let's just hope Stef has the balls to do what needs to be done, if it comes to that. 'Cause we've already searched the whole bloody town for the thing and let me assure you, he hid it well. And if we can't find it then we're gonna have one hell of a pissed of Original to deal with. And probably a permanent cellar-guest as well.
I come down and drop my bag in the hallway and find my brother staring off into the fireplace. Maybe he's not as okay with this trip as I first thought.
"You heard from Klaus?" I ask him. "Not yet. I'm sure I will soon though, he's expecting me to deliver two stakes. I only have one" yeah. Everywhere. We looked everywhere; I literally have no clue where he could have put it.
"I'll get it out of Alaric, I just need some time" – "I like that confidence Stefan. I don't share it, but I like it" – "You don't think I can do what it takes?" ah, I reckon you can brother, if you have'ta. But he's Sane Stefan again and Sane Stefan doesn't have such questionable morals, so it might take a little more persuasion for him to do what needs done.
"Well you're good Stefan again. Sorry you might get the girl but you lose the edge" he gives me one of his smiles that lies halfway between 'sad' and 'I know something you don't know' but he doesn't reply. Ah, 'Lena's coming, I take the bags outside and give them a minute to say goodbye in peace and then we're away.
Something feels oddly off with Elena. She's strangely quiet and more than a little fidgety, all wringing hands and breathy little sighs. It takes about an hour of this before I conclude that something is definitely up with her and only a little longer until I ask her what the heck's wrong.
Unfortunately all I get out of her is the standard girl response of 'nothing, I'm fine' so I chalk it up to her being worried about her brother and Ric and drop the subject. And then we're in Denver.
"There he is" we stand and observe Baby Gilbert's batting skills for a minute, which are rubbish if I'm being perfectly honest. "Next time we compel him, remind me to make him better at baseball" and again with the huffy little sighs. Seriously what is up with this girl today?
"Hey Jer!" – "Elena?" well I didn't bring Katherine with me! He looks past his sister to me, "what's wrong?" smart kid.
I explain what's going on at home and then get to the part that explains half of the reason we're here, "Katherine sired us, Rose sired Katherine, now all we need to find out is who sired Rose" sounds so simple when you put it like that doesn't it?
"So you travelled across the country to get me to talk to a dead vampire?" no. I travelled across the country because your sister asked me to come with her to pick you up. Speaking to Rose is just an added bonus.
"Dead vampire is redundant but yes" – "Well I can't. I can talk to Anna and Vicki because I knew them. I've never even met Rose" oh for fuck sake, can nothing be effortless? For once?
"What good is you coming back to life if you can't talk to a ghost when I need you to?" useless. I am surrounded by useless people!
"Rose spent a long time running from Klaus as well, she and Damon were close so maybe we can use him as a connection" okay, Elena may not be as useless as the rest of them. Also? That's honestly the most she's said since we started this damn trip that she asked me to come on.
"Fine, fine, can we do this later? My friend just got here and yes Damon I actually have some" is it just me or did Baby Gilbert get extra grumpy since we sent him packing?
"I'll call you when I'm done" did I mess up the compulsion somehow? "Jer" because he doesn't even seem that thrilled to see Ele-"Damon its Kol" wha-fuuuuck! Oh god. Ouch.
"Jeremy get back he's an Original" a fucking dead Original in a minute! Christ he totally broke my jaw. But he also broke his baseball bat on said jaw so I'll have that thank you very much. When he comes at me again I shove my baseball stake in his chest.
One temporarily dead Original, Damon Salvatore, at your service. I'm sure we've done this part before.
"Did you kill him?" – "No but it'll give us a head-start" I reach out for Elena who is just standing there in shock, "come on" I say and try to lead her away. Nothing, still in shock then. I stroke her shoulders gently, "come on" and then just pull her away.
We stop by the house Jeremy's been living at so he can pick up his things and while he's inside Elena asks if we can stop at a motel. She says she wants to rest and if we stop we can try and contact Rose. I'd much rather be taking us to a fancy hotel but needs must so I drive us to a crappy little place off the beaten track.
"For the record, she's the one who wanted to stop at a motel, not me" why did I say that? All it does is earn me a death-glare and probably another hour of the silent treatment from Elena. Was this her idea of a fun-filled trip with Damon? 'Cause I'm beginning to consider requesting a refund.
"So where are we?" Denver. Silly boy. "Corner of somewhere and nowhere where Kol can't find us" – "I can't believe Kol was a vampire" – "Well didn't you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you?" and again, another glare from Elena. "Not helping" and probably two hours of the silent treatment.
You know, here's a thought. Maybe if she told me what was wrong with her I might actually be able to help? But I'm guessing that brilliant idea never occurred to her.
"All right Whoopi what'd you need? Candles, incense, pottery wheel?" – "That's not how this works" oh I know, I know, please could we not tell your sister that I bashed your head off a picnic table right now 'cause apparently she's already pissed at me.
"You uh, got a picture of her?" kid, really? "A picture? From what our trip to Disneyland? Come on Rose, you're not gonna actually make us wait are ya? I know you're obsessed with meee" actually it is a little creepy if you think about it. Ghosts, just, hangin' around, watchin' us all the time. And another angry huff from Elena. Honestly I think I might start counting them. What does she want from me? What did I do?
"All right, uh, tell me something about her" – "Um well" ah what can I say? I sit down on the bed and get comfortable. We could be here for a while. "She did this little thing with her tongue" ve-ry sexy.
"Something that matters, Damon" Little Miss Grumpy Pants scolds me.
God fine, something that 'matter's', I've only ever told one other person about the night I killed Rose. About the dream, and that was Ric. And I was drunk. Very, drunk. But I don't really have anything else to go on so I'll give it a shot.
"She spent her last day in paradise. Soaking in the sun, reminiscing about what it meant to be human" and giving me some very questionable advice. "And when death came, she didn't fear it" – "I was with her on her last day and she definitely wasn't in paradise" not when she was awake 'Lena, no.
"It was in the dream he gave her. She's here" fabulous, it worked then.
Sucks that I don't get to see her, Rose was good to me. She was a friend when I really needed one. And I still feel guilty that she died because of me. I hope she's happy. I hope I was right when I said that I thought she would get to see whoever she wanted to see, after. I hope she found Trevor.
"Is she lonely on the Other Side?" Elena asks the question that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to and I'm not even sure I want to know the answer. "She says not to worry, she's happy" oh thank fuck.
"Is she still hot?" – "She misses you. She uh, she misses both of you" well Baby Gilbert definitely did some editing of that translation, god I wanna know what she really said. Think Elena would let me compel it out of him?
"She was sired by someone named Mary Porter" – "Ugh. Scary Mary, well where is she Rose?" last time I saw her was New Orleans, some-time in the late 30's, if memory serves. Rose says she'll try and track her down so now we just have to wait, and hope we don't get discovered by Kol.
I'm outside bringing back ice when Stefan calls me, "there you are, any sign of Evil-Aric?" – "Nope only dead Alaric" you killed him? Why? "What?" – "Don't worry he was wearing the ring. Klaus was here, let's just say he's not very patient" oh, Klaus killed him, well that makes more sense.
"Kol must've told him we were in Denver. How long's Ric been out?" – "A few hours, I'm hoping when he wakes up it won't be him, it'll be the other him" well if it's not then he's gonna have to start gettin' creative, we can't wait around forever.
"Were you able to contact Rose?" – "Yeah, no answers yet so we're just stuck in this motel til' she gets back to us" my brother, so fun to rile up. Wait for it..."A motel?" there it is!
"Yeah we had to get away from Kol. Call you when I know more" I hang up the phone. Makes no difference to me that there's nothing going on at this motel, he doesn't know that and I need an injection of fun in this otherwise strange, and frankly, depressing day.
I walk back into the room and the atmosphere suddenly shifts in that way that you just know they were talking about me. Dammit why wasn't I paying attention?
"Everything okay in here?" –"Yeah it's fine" sure it is Elena, sure it is. Honestly this girls mood-swings are enough to give me whiplash today.
"Okay, well I'm gonna freshen up. You might wanna get some rest, I'm sure Rose will make herself known when she gets back" how the hell does anyone ever understand girls? I mean, I have what, over a century and a half's experience with the fairer sex and yet I can't figure out what is going on with the girl I love.
Why would she ask me to come with her; if she's just gonna basically ignore me the whole time? Really, Elena Gilbert is just, a riddle within a puzzle within a jigsaw. It's probably better if I just give up trying to solve her, at least for tonight.
I come out of the bathroom, grab my bourbon and take a seat beside the window. My brain is working a million miles a minute and I couldn't sleep if I wanted to. I also need to stay awake in case of Originals. Not that it matters, I don't need to sleep much, I just do it 'cause I like dreamland.
Huh. Elena is, staring at me. Was. I mean. I looked and then she closed her eyes. And now she's pretending to sleep. I'm confused. And then she opens them again and she's looking at me, in a way that she doesn't do too often.
With a certain softness, and an emotion I refuse to attach a name to in her eyes. See? Mood swings – whiplash.
But I'll be damned; again, if I don't take my chances whenever they appear so I walk over to the bed and lie down beside her.
"You never told me about that, what do you did for Rose" ah, that explains the softness then. Elena loves it when I do the whole 'better man' thing, makes certain things that she feels easier for her to accept.
"Wasn't about you" that's not really true. I mean, it wasn't about her, but that's not really why I didn't tell her.
"Why don't you let people see the good in you?" – "Because when people see good; they expect good" I turn around to face her because this is why I didn't tell her.
"And I don't wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations" because eventually I'll just fail them. I'll let them down, or hurt them or something equally bad to make you realise that it was a bad idea to care in the first place.
Elena's heart starts pounding in her chest and she turns away from me to lie on her back, she's a little breathless and her arm drops down on the bed and her hand brushes mine. So I take it.
I don't know what's going on here exactly but I think I like it.
But then she gets up and leaves. And I don't like that.
I can normally read Elena like an open book but today and tonight have been different. And yet, I know that she's trying to fight herself. To fight what she feels for me. And I'm not gonna let her do it. Not this night. Not this time.
So I follow her outside.
"Don't" I'm pretty sure she really means 'do'.
"Why not?" for the love of god why not?
"Elena" please. Her name falls from my mouth like a desperate plea, and it is. It really is.
And then she's kissing me. She's kissing me and it's heaven again but it's so different from before. She's kissing me as if she's desperate, as if she needs me as much as I need her. Her hands are on me and all over me, in my hair and as I back her into the wall, or something, she's pulling at me as if she wants to pull me inside of her, as if she wants me to be a part of her. And I do. I really, really do.
I give her everything I have, everything that is mine but really hers, my love, my need, my desire, my passion, I give her all of it as she attacks my mouth with lips that are both soft and hard all at once and I think I'm drowning in her mouth.
And then I'm kissing and nipping at her neck and I'm touching her everywhere and the smell of her arousal is burning and her skin torches me and it's hot and sweet and I feel like I'm going to come apart just from this.
She reaches for my face and pulls me back to her mouth, biting at my lips before locking eyes with me and she clearly finds whatever it is that she's looking for in them because then her lips are crashing back onto mine and I want to lose myself in this moment forever.
I want to stay in her mouth, I want to feel her tongue, soft and warm and wet, battling with mine, I want to hear her gasps and her moans for-fucking-ever and I feel like there should be an epic fucking love song swelling underneath this kiss because it is everything and it deserves acknowledgement.
And then all I know is that I want. I need. I crave.
"Elena" No!
No. No. No. A million times no.
"Oh my god Jeremy I..." No.
Snapping his neck again would be a bad idea right now? Right?
Right.
"Rose found Mary. She lives in Kansas" who the fuck cares? Don't wanna go to Kansas Toto.
Wanna stay here and make beautiful, glorious love to your sister All. Night. Long. And I'm pre-tty sure she'd let me.
"Okay then. Let's go" I walk past him and I think if looks could kill then Jeremy Gilbert would be burning a thousand deaths right now. Slowly. Painfully. Over. And Over. And Over Again.
I take back everything I said about this day being depressing or a bad idea or whatever other shit I said earlier.
That kiss, that just made everything about this day the best day in a very fucking long time. Also? Way more than just a kiss. That was the best fucking kiss I've ever had and I been around a damn long time and kissed a lotta girls.
We finally arrive at the address Rose gave up and pile out of the car after what was the world's most awkward car ride ever.
"Wait here" Elena tells her brother, "Why? So you guys can make out some more?" oh god please say yes. "Don't be a dick. Listen to your sister" go back to the car, just in case there's a chance we're going for round two which would hopefully involve more nakedness. He does go back to the car, and Elena and I go inside.
She asks how I knew Scary Mary but I thought that was implied, "I said she was creepy not ugly" there's a loud bang from a cupboard and Elena nearly jumps out of her skin before attaching herself to me for a second. So ironic, she's with a vampire, in a vampire's house in the dark and she's afraid of a bump in the night. She's kinda cute, huh?
Oh. Great. "Mary" dead, staked, to be precise.
"Quite contrary" fuck. Kol. Ah dammit, this is a most unfortunate situation. Kol babbles on about Mary while I try and figure us a way out of this.
"She was a bit of an Original groupie" – "And were you her favourite?" Elena asks. Well at least one of us is still capable of rational thought. I think my brain stopped functioning properly somewhere around mid-kiss.
"I spoke to my brother, I know you're trying to find out who you're descended from" oh surprise, surprise.
I know he's going to attack me but it still manages to catch me off guard and I'm on the ground before I can blink. He hits me with yet another baseball bat a couple of times; does he just carry these things around with him?
"Elena get outta here" to my utter delight she actually does what I ask for a change and at least tries to save herself this time, but Kol stops her and throws her on the bed and I see red fury, and then I'm on my feet and I've got my hands around his neck. "Don't touch her" Jesus he's strong though.
He throws me off and great, now my arm is broken as well.
"Relax darling, I just want us to be even. You snapped my neck, you killed my brother" well now actually that one wasn't on me. I was being tortured by your sister when that went down. "And then you humiliated me" he hits me three more times with his stupid bat. "There, now we're even" and he's gone.
Fuck. These Originals really like their pain and torture, don't they?
"You okay?" uh, I think so? "Yeah" just need to set my bones back in place and I'm all better.
I reach out and lay my hand on Elena's face; she's got a cut above her eye. Fucking Original bastard. "You okay? You're bleeding?" – "Yeah I'll be fine" she reaches for my hand and then she's staring at my lips, is this the part where we kiss again? 'Cause I am more than okay with that.
Hm. Apparently not, she pulls her hand away and turns from me. "What are you doing?" – "What do you mean?" I'm not exactly sure, truth be told.
"Well, this trip, you kissing me. What the hell is this?" I know I probably sound like a girl trying to define our relationship but dammit it's been a confusing day and I just wanna know what's going on.
"Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you" say what now? I'm here because my brother thinks that you have feelings for me? Are you fucking kidding me right now?
And this will be the stupidest question I've ever asked in my life but I'm going to ask it anyway.
"Do you?" oh god there was way more hope in my voice when I asked that question than I intended there to be.
I mean, of course she does, I know this, she knows this. You don't kiss like that if you don't have feelings for someone. But I also know she won't admit it; which is why it's a stupid question.
"I don't...I don't...I don't know" well of course you do honey, you know fine well. You just won't allow yourself to admit it because you're too damn scared and even though I understand this, it still hurts and makes me angry all the same. She's a fucking beautiful little liar.
"Hm. Guess you thought that this little trip could help you figure that out didn't you?" and I get it now, why she's been so weird all day. But I feel like I got played and I'm pissed. And by my brother no less.
"No" – "Or maybe you're hoping I'll screw it up so I can just make the decision for you, am I wrong? Am I wrong?"
"It's what you do Damon. You sabotage things. I mean think about it, every time there's a bump in the road you lash out" I take a step closer to her because this is actually important.
"What if I didn't? What if there was no bump?" she doesn't answer but that's okay because I know the truth. I know who she is, and I know her truth, buried fucking deep underneath all of her expectations and lies she tells herself to make life easier.
Truth is, she loves the bumps. We all do. There will always be 'bumps' with me. Because hell yes I'm gonna make mistakes, it's who I am. But aren't the bumps in the fucking road what make it special? Isn't it better to build something through the bumps?
To overcome the challenges, the fights, the pain, and bring out something fucking beautiful in the end? I'd much rather have that, than it just be plain sailing all the time. Life would be boring as shit if it was, and I know that's what she wants too, she just won't fucking admit that either.
"I'm sorry Elena but this time I'm not gonna make it so easy for ya'. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself."
I was wrong earlier. The drive to Kansas was not the world's most awkward drive. This, this is the world's most awkward drive. You could cut the tension in this car with a knife. And it's coming from all corners.
How can one day be so good and so bad at the same time? I have to believe that she'll figure this out though, that she'll find her way to me eventually. Because I don't think I can live for the rest of my, eternity, with only the memory of that kiss to keep me company.
But it was one hell of a fucking kiss.
Dear Diary,
Damon and I went to Denver. Honestly I don't know what is wrong with me. I messed it all up. And it was my idea, well it was kind of Stefan's idea actually, but I agreed with it and it seemed like a good idea, at the time.
I know I was probably a bitch to Damon all day, but everything inside me was just all tangled up and confusing and I couldn't think straight! It's like my feelings for Damon are all tied up in knots and I can't, for the life of me find the beginning of them. And I think I've worked out that it's because I'm scared of them.
I'm scared of what it means to love Damon; I'm scared of what it means to be loved by Damon. It's like he takes over me, he changes everything and I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm not saying that I love him, I'm just saying that...actually I don't even know what I'm saying. See? Everything is still so confusing!
When we were in the motel, Damon came out of the bathroom without his shirt on and even though I've seen his body plenty of times before it still captivates me every time and I just lay there and stared at him, and then he looked at me. So I closed my eyes. And then I questioned the sanity of closing my eyes so I opened them again. Even my eyes are confused!
He came and lay down beside me on the bed and I asked him about the dream that he gave Rose before she died, I asked him why he doesn't let people see the good in him, and he said that when people see good, they expect good and he doesn't want to live up to anyone's expectations.
His brutal honesty took my breath away because I realised that, he's afraid, he's scared of failing people and that's why he has all these walls and defences around himself, because he loves so much that he's afraid of letting us all down.
Damon took my hand, and it was too much, it was all too much I had to get out. I had to breathe, I had to get away from him, but he followed me outside and I warned him away but I didn't even really mean it and then he said, 'why not Elena' and his voice, god his voice and those words and the way he says my name like it's his salvation, that was all it took.
I just had this, overwhelming need to feel him and hold him and touch him and kiss him so I did. God I was desperate, he was kissing me and kissing me and I never wanted it to end. I wanted more and more and it was, Damon. Utterly Damon, possessive, controlling, passionate, consuming, intoxicating.
He was touching me and kissing me everywhere and it was everything, it was more than everything it was the best fucking kiss in the world, I've never been kissed like that. No one has ever been kissed like that. I felt so, complete.
And in that moment, I would have done anything, said anything, been anything because the desire I felt for him was just pulsing through every single part of me, and then Jeremy interrupted us. I'm almost glad he did because I honestly don't know if I would have stopped, I don't know if I could have stopped, I definitely didn't want to stop, but I know it's for the best that we had to.
I'm also kind of glad that I couldn't see the look on Damon's face when he walked past Jer, because I think that my brother might be dead if looks could indeed kill. We had to go to Kansas to track down the lady who sired Rose, but when we got there she was dead.
And then Damon and I got into a fight and that's when I messed it all up. I told him I was there because Stefan thinks I have feelings for him, which was the first stupid thing to come out of my mouth and then when Damon asked if I do have feelings for him I said I don't know.
Which he obviously knows is a lie. I know it's a lie. Hell I think everyone knows it's a lie but for some reason I just can't...I can't admit it. I can't say it out loud and I don't even really understand why myself so I can't explain it.
Elena