A/N: So let me just say that Vampire Elena is hella fun to write! She's a little bit darker these days and as such a little more honest, a little more brutal and a little more um...coarse in her language. Also, a bit more erratic. In essence, she's a little more like Damon, which is never a bad thing right? Well, anyway, get ready to blood-share. I hope I did it justice. As a side note, has anyone else watched the teaser trailer for S6? I nearly *died* of feelings!
Memorial
"And you can bring me to my knees
I can see through you, see to the real you
And I taste, what I could never have
it was from you"
Shockingly enough, Stefan's ideas on how to teach Elena stray just a little bit from mine. He's all about Bambi and Thumper, who would have ever guessed? And I'm all about control, moderation, snatch, eat, erase.
Of course, Elena being both the little people pleaser and martyr that she is, is determined to give the animal diet a shot even though she knows I'm right. Because I've told her so, a bunch of times, since the debate began.
I've tried appealing to Stefan's common sense which I know is in there somewhere but appears to have left the building to make room for catering to Elena's every last desire so I've resorted to stalling tactics. By which I mean I'm unpacking their little overnight bag for what is clearly some Twilight inspired romantic night in the woods, complete with bouncing little bunny rabbits. I know I'm not going to get anywhere, but can you really blame a guy for trying?
"She can't learn to control the blood-lust, if she's never actually experienced the blood-lust" how many different ways can I say this?
"I said stop" Stefan grabs the bag away from me and gets right up in my face. Ah, the brotherly love. I'm still waiting patiently for the 'you said you'd leave town' speech which I'm sure he's been mentally rehearsing ever since Elena uttered those fateful words, 'I choose you, it's always gonna be you, Stefan', I'm paraphrasing here 'cause of course I don't actually know what she said and I'm sure I don't want to, but I figure it was something along those lines. He's such an insecure fool that he'll still want me to go all the same.
"Whoa, what's going on?" ah, you know 'Lena just some brotherly rivalry. Slight difference of opinion. "Ah, just, having a little disagreement about the process" see? He's placating her, she's placating him and I'm stuck in the middle pleasing fucking nobody, as per usual.
"You're still not on board with the animal plan?" Elena asks, again. "Nope, I say rip off the proverbial band-aid and let it bleed. You're a vampire Elena, be a vampire" please. And they're leaving, god I hate this.
"Vampires eat people. It's part of the natural food pyramid. Trust me, you're gonna be miserable" she looks at me as if she agrees with me but they leave just the same.
It's not just the animal diet part that's getting to me, although that is a major concern. It's that I can't stand the thought of her with my brother anymore. I mean, he's my brother and I love him, for the most part, but even a blind man could see that he's not right for Elena.
And I'm not just saying that because I believe that I am, I'm saying it because it's the truth. But hey, what can I do about it? It's her choice, remember?
And the bunny diet thing? Elena could be, has the potential to be the most glorious vampire that ever existed, she could be a queen, if she'd just embrace it, accept it, be it, but she'll never be able to with my brother by her side, dragging her down with him. And that is just tragic.
I come down to the Grill because I don't want to be at home when the 'epic' couple return from their romantic getaway.
"Seats taken" I tell Liz when she turns up and tries to sit on Ric's chair. People don't sit there. "Faulty gas line leaves a tragic explosion at Young Farm" I read the headline of the newspaper she's dropped in front of me. "Really?" that's the best headline they could come up with? And I'm supposed to care about this, why?
"Better than town Council blown up police have no suspects...unless the perpetrators right next to me" what, me? Oh yeah, I remember blowing up a farm in all of the free time I've had recently. Not!
"Well don't look at me, I always take credit for killing people" but she's still looking at me. What? "Seriously, stop lookin' at me like that Liz, if I was gonna kill 12 people I wouldn't blow 'em up, I'd have a dinner party" and I have. Very nice affair it was too.
"Well the explosion was sparked from the inside, this wasn't an accident" it's also a good thing. Or are we conveniently forgetting that in the face of 'tragic' death? "You say that like it's a bad thing. Council's dead Liz, I see that as a win" and I'm more than happy to point out her mistakes of course, in case you hadn't noticed I don't care that much about the dead Council.
Of course she gets indignant with me because she's known the council all her life and "they were my friends" in that case, may I suggest you consider gettin' some new one's 'cause your "friends tried to kill your daughter" there's an unknown man approaching us and I lower my voice to ask her who he is, but he reaches us before she has a chance to reply.
"Hi, um, I was wondering if I could speak to you for a minute? It's about the explosion at the Young farm" who is this guy, the press? "Connor Jordan" Hm. He looks suspicious, and he is wearing some very suspicious looking gloves. I say suspicious because they really don't match the rest of his clothing. And he's new. In this town, new equals suspicious.
He looks over at me and I nod before he asks Liz if they can speak privately, she throws me a look that's full of questions I can't answer and they leave.
"Nice to meet you too Mr. Busy-body, guy" I think I'm losing my nick-name inspiration. Either that or I'm just a bit more drunk and a bit more broken than I thought I was.
Ah what the hell, I figure I may as well give Stefan a call, fill him in on the dead Council, "Uh, perfect timing Damon" oh good, did I interrupt you and Elena? Now you know the feeling brother.
I ask if they're at home, "yeah we just got back" and then fill him in on the 'tragic' deaths of the council members, "what?" and then he hangs up.
I wonder how Elena got on with the bunnies and the deer and the...Stefan. O-kay let's change my thought process please, never mind. Think of the devil and she shall appear. Or, something like that.
"Did you do it?" – "That seat's taken" I tell her and her accusing little tone of voice. "But there's no one here" how very astute of you El-e-na.
"Well I'm just gonna pretend like there's someone there because the alternatives' just too damn depressing" and I know she get it. If nothing else, this is something that Elena and I share, she moves to the other side and sits down.
"Did you set off the explosion that killed the town council?" again, when? When would I have done that? "Am I wearing my 'I blew up the council' t-shirt? Why does everybody keep asking me that?" – "Did you?" didn't we do this already? Do I have to spell it out for her?
"No. Anything else?" any other crimes you'd like to accuse me of? Issues to take up with me? Or can a man get drunk in peace for a change?
"Yes. Something's wrong" of course it is, why wouldn't it be? Because nothing is ever fucking right around this place.
"I can't keep any of the animal blood down" am I supposed to be surprised? "Well there's a shock" – "I think I need your help" ah god, well it is what I wanted I suppose. "Of course you do. Pick your meal, you got Asian fusion" I point people out as I go along, "Mexican, or what about some good old American comfort food?"
"No. No, no human blood. Stefan's right, I have to at least try to get through this without hurting anyone" well you know me; I am nothing if not the resourceful type.
You don't wanna eat people? Fine. Can't eat bunnies? Even better. But I got no blood bags in sight so I drain my drink for an added dose of liquid courage 'cause for sure what's about to happen will hurt me a whole lot more than it hurts her but I'm fresh outta other options.
"Fine, come on" I stand up and pull her along behind me to the bathroom and lock the door.
"What are you doing?" I bite into the palm of my hand and let the blood pool. "Giving you what you need. Drink" – "What?" oh you heard me. Drink.
"You're a new vampire Elena, you need warm blood from the vein; maybe this'll do the trick. Or not. But just...don't tell Stefan" please. I can see her trying to fight the temptation just to sink her fangs into me and I have to admit for a baby-vamp I'm kinda impressed with her control.
"Why not?" she asks utterly transfixed by the blood in my hand. Uh, 'cause I'll get my ass kicked probably?
"Because blood sharing is kinda...personal" – "What do you mean it's personal?" well now, I uh, think I'm not gonna explain that right now. You'll find out soon enough.
"Just drink" I tell her. She looks between my face and my hand a couple of times and when she lands on my face again I give her an encouraging nod. And then she takes my hand in hers and her fangs pierce my skin and it's so fucking hot. She lays her head on my shoulder and pushes me against the stall and I wrap my arm around her back to pull her closer.
It's heaven. It's hell. It's so fucking good.
It's everything I want, okay, not necessarily in the bathroom of the Grill but it's definitely up there in my fantasies, 'course normally I get some of the action too but so not the point. The point is, the point is, you know what, fuck it. The point is I'm just gonna enjoy this ride while it lasts and deal with the consequences later.
Elena buries her fangs deeper inside of me and pushes me further back and I'm becoming a little desperate. Because I want her desperately, I desperately want to be inside of her. I'm as hard as a fucking diamond and I know she can feel me, considering she's managed to get herself all pressed up tight against me, her curves, her body wrapped around mine. Fitting me perfectly like two pieces of a fucking jigsaw.
Meant. To. Be.
And I know she feels it too, she certainly feels something because the sexy little moans coming from her throat as she swallows my blood have less to do with the feeding than they do with her arousal. The smell of which is consuming me, burning me, and I want to touch her, so fucking badly, but I can't. So I just keep my hand in its resting place on her hair, stroking gently and god please don't ever stop.
Only, then I realise that she has to actually stop, 'cause otherwise she's probably gonna drain me dry and while I don't entirely object to death-by-Elena, we got problems in town. So I whisper nonsensical words at her because yeah my brain is still not completely in tandem with my mouth and she takes one final pull before tearing herself away.
As soon as she steps back from me she looks horrified, yeah, maybe I should have been a little clearer on the whole, 'blood-sharing is personal' memo. She looks horrified but she also looks, well, for lack of a better word, horny.
And then comes the guilt. It spreads across her face like a wildfire and I raise my hands with the intention of telling her that it's okay, nothing happened, although it sure as fucking hell did, but that she doesn't need to feel bad about it, only she's gone. She's just fucking gone. I guess my brother has been teaching her a thing or two about vamp-speed then.
Elena is gone and I need to go home and take a very cold shower. Right about now.
I don't hear from her until she miraculously needs my help, again. All of my blood came back up and she needs a new dress for the memorial service today. I'm a little confused as to why it's me she keeps coming to for help and not her boyfriend but hey, I am not gonna complain.
Speaking of my brother, I haven't seen him in the house this morning. Where did he go? I saw him briefly last night and he told me that Connor Jordan shot Lockwolf with crazy-ass bullets that may or may not be spelled. Apparently the gloves he wears are coated in vervain. See? I knew they were suspicious. And now we have a new vampire hunter in town which doesn't sound at all coincidental to me. Nope, not in the slightest.
I grab a blood-bag from the basement and run by Elena's house to pick a dress for her before making my way to the church. She phones me just as I arrive "I'm here, I'm here. Where are you?" – "I'm in the basement bathroom. Is that you at the door?" nope, not yet. She shouts to whoever is at the door that she won't be long "Damon hurry" she pleads and she's crying and I'm hurrying.
Well, if it isn't Connor Jordan. "You again? Stalking small town funerals?" Elena opens the door and pokes her pretty little head out, "oh Damon thank god" no need honey, just thank me. Forever at your service.
Elena apologises to Connor and looks at me with a scared expression but I give her a smile to hopefully reassure her that we will both be fine. I won't let anything happen to her.
"We have not met. I'm Connor" he says holding out his vervain coated hand when Elena closes the door. "Damon. Germaphobe" I turn my attention to the door "everything okay in there?" please hurry Elena. "Yeah just a minute" she shouts back, well, I guess I'll just make conversation then.
"So what brings you to Mystic Falls?" and what gets you to leave? "I'm in uh, environmental cleanup" wow, this guy should be a comedian. He's hilarious.
"Heard you had a bit of a, pollution problem" seriously, inside I'm laughing. Hysterically.
"Huh, well I was unaware. I breathe pretty easy" oh thank god Elena's ready.
"I'm so sorry that took so long" she says to the new hunter. "Well enjoy your stay, we love visitors and the scenery is to die for. Oh! Funeral Pun! Too soon?" let's go 'Lena.
I'm pleased with the dress I chose for her, it looks lovely, or at least, it would if she didn't look like she was in desperate need of ten hot meals.
"Did you bring the blood bag?" shh! "Do you wanna say that a little louder?" I don't think the vampire hunter quite heard you. "Here" I pass her the bag and she drinks but it all just comes spilling back out again. What the fuck?
"No I can't...it tastes like...what's wrong with me?" I don't...know. I wipe the blood from her chin and now I'm really glad I brought the black dress, much more appropriate anyway.
"I don't know. Maybe it's your doppelganger blood, you're rejecting the transition" I guess I need to make a phone call to Katherine then.
"I'm dying aren't I?" – "No you're not dying. You just need to drink from the vein" like a good girl vampire. But she's already shaking her head at me, "no, no I can't risk killing anyone Damon" well I'm not gonna let you kill anyone!
"Maybe I'm better off dead" No! A thousand times no! I clasp her shoulders with my hands, "don't you think like that. Elena, you'll be fine" I promise her and stroke her hair gently before taking my hand away.
I wondered, if that burning I felt when she was human would disappear when she turned, but nope, it's still there. If anything is seems to burn hotter than ever. The church bells ring, "we have to get back inside" she says and walks away from me.
Oh great. Stefan's here.
"What's in the bag Damon?" lunch? "Mid-service snack, church always gets me hungry, the whole blood of Christ thing you know" yeah, he's not buying that and to be honest I'm not all that crazy about going behind his back. I mean nothing's happening, unless you count some kinda kinky bathroom blood-sharing, but hey what's a little blood-sharing between friends. Regardless, it feels wrong. So, I'll squeal.
"I brought it for Elena" – "You're really that intent on having your way?" oh Stefan, always so quick to judge me brother.
"It's not my way, it's the only way" – "If she hurts someone..." yeah, yeah I get it Stefan, the guilt, the pain, the humanity, the blah, blah, blah, got it. But she's starving.
"She's strong if we help her she can survive this" oh he's really not getting it, is he?
"She's starving, Stefan. She hasn't been able to keep blood down for days" – "What are you talking about she told me she was fine" well whadd'ya know, "she lied. Your four legged protein shake was a bust. Juice box is a no-go. She can't even keep my blood down" oops, my bad.
"She drank from you?" damn right she did, and it was fucking exquisite torture.
"Oops, did I say that out loud?" I walk away and leave him to his jumbled thoughts. I know I shouldn't have told him, at least, not like that, but dammit if his condescending holier-than-thou attitude isn't getting a tiny bit exhausting.
I head into the church and dip my fingers in the holy water before making the sign of the cross, "don't know why that always make me smile" what is Elena doing up on the podium?
"She doesn't look so good" I say to Stefan as I take a seat beside him. "Well maybe you should have told me she was rejecting all food sources" well maybe, the question you should be asking is why didn't she tell you, ever think of that, Stefan?
"Jealousy's beneath you brother" – "Oh bite me" Elena starts speaking before I can reply to that. She really doesn't look good, at all. Need to try and figure this out soon.
"The worst day, of loving someone is the day that you, lose them" ah fuck. Blood. A lot of blood.
"Do you smell that?" Blondie whispers. "Nobody move, don't turn around it's a trap" I whisper back and fucking Elena who is starving, is standing right up there in the crosshairs. Shit! Again, I gotta say I'm amazed with her control, if she'd just let me teach her I know she'd be phenomenal, but she is a baby-vamp and she's gonna lose it. Fortunately Stefan realises this and goes up to rescue her. "It's okay, I got you, I got you" yeah, he did.
Stefan's trying to keep Elena calm and I'd like to kill someone right about now so where's this hunter? "I'm gonna go rip his head off now" – "You do that Damon and you risk exposing all of us" expos-really Stefan?
"Well I think the risk will be slightly diminished when I...you know, rip his head off" also I think the risk is even greater that 'Lena over there will tear everyone's throats out in about 30 seconds, and that'd be what I call 'exposure'.
"You have ten seconds before I go old-fashioned on the new guy" – "Don't do it Damon please" nope, not gonna work. "3, 2, 1, bye" - "Wait, wait, Elena, feed from me" wha-? Oh man. The quarterback steps up to the plate and I don't wanna watch but I can't look away as Elena feeds from him,
Jealousy, such a sickly emotion. Then again, I was just on the receiving end of those perfect fangs so I can't really complain.
Tyler steps up to the podium, I gotta say I'm beginning to respect that guy a little, at least he knows how to take one for the team. And he does. A shot rings out and people start ducking and screaming and now I'm going old-fashioned on the new guy. I slip away in the confusion and get away before Stefan tries to stop me again.
Then I'm ripping off Connor's car door and I grab him out before he can blink, unfortunately before I can even get a punch in he shoots me a buncha times and tries to stake me before we both hear my brother shouting for me. Connor runs away and Stefan runs around the corner.
And then he punches me in the face. Right, 'cause the bullets just weren't enough.
"What the hell was that for?" – "You know what" he says before walking away.
O-kay. I guess I'll get the bullets out myself then. Brother's, who needs 'em? Honestly it's ridiculous that I get punched in the face for trying to help Elena. I mean, yes, there was a little selfish motivation, but mainly I was trying to help! I am not really all that big on the thought of Elena desiccating! Having said that, if it was the other way around then I guess I might have punched Stefan too. I suppose.
Once I get the bullets out I head home to change and then leave because I think it's probably for the best if I avoid my house like the plague tonight. I'm quite sure I don't wanna be present for whatever conversation is going down there tonight.
However it would appear that I can't even take one night off from all the drama as I get a very cryptic text message from Stefan telling me to meet "us" at the school, it's important, apparently.
I pull up at the same time as Bonnie. "What are we doing here?" I ask her, "I dunno ask Stefan" oh I will. It looks like the whole gang is here.
"Stefan what are we doing?" – "We're finishing the memorial we didn't get to have earlier" he explains while handing out paper lanterns. What are we Japanese now?
"We need to start healing Damon. We've all lost so much, especially recently. We think we're numb to it, we push it away, make a joke out of it, ignore how we feel, never just let ourselves grieve" yeah well, count me out brother.
"So you're lighting lanterns?" which is going to do what exactly? "Yeah, yeah we need to do this" to what end Stefan? What are you hoping to achieve here? 'Cause it's gonna change nothing and we got bigger problems.
"What we need to do is find out who this hunter is and what he knows about the death of the council. We have more important things to be doing right now than...this" – "Not tonight we don't" actually, you know what Stefan, you're right.
But screw all of you if you think I'm gonna stand here and light a fucking lantern like it's gonna change a damn thing.
"This is for my uncle Zach, and my friend Lexi. And Alaric" yeah.
"This is for Vicki" I gotta go.
Jeremy passes me the lighter "no way. I'm not doing that."
And screw them if they think I'm gonna stand here and listen while they reel off the names of their dead, a large majority of whom I fucking killed.
I head straight for the cemetery where a headstone and a bottle of bourbon are calling my name. I miss my friend and I'll grieve my own damn way. I tell Ric about them floating lanterns, I tell him about Elena and the new hunter in town.
"You know what they are? Children. Like lighting a candle's gonna make everything okay, or even saying a prayer, or pretending Elena's not gonna end up just like the rest of us murderous vampires. Stupid, delusional, exasperating little children.
And I know what you're gonna say, 'makes them feel better, Damon' so what? For how long? A minute, a day? What difference does it make? Because in the end when you lose somebody, ever candle, every prayer, is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be.
And a rock, with a birth date carved into it that I'm pretty sure is wrong. So thanks, friend. Thanks for leaving me here to babysit, 'cause I should be long gone by now.
I didn't get the girl, remember? I'm just stuck here, fighting with my brother and takin' care of the kids. You owe me big."
Dear Diary,
Well the last few days have been exhausting to say the least. Damon and Stefan are fighting; it started because they disagree on the right way to teach me how to be in control of myself. Stefan advocates the animal diet while Damon is more, conventional, I guess.
And even though I didn't really want to do the animal diet thing, I felt like I owed it to Stefan to give it a shot and I did, I really did, but I just can't keep it down, every time I try I just throw it all back up again.
I couldn't face telling Stefan though because he was so happy when he thought that I was doing well and I really didn't want to see that look of disappointment on his face again so I went to Damon for help.
I stuck with the animal diet plan and told him that I didn't want to drink human blood, because I am scared of hurting someone, or worse, so Damon offered me his blood because he thought it might work and oh. my. god. did it ever.
Or at least, it did for a while. Damon's blood is divine, it's like drinking liquid gold, I've never tasted anything more...intoxicating. He told me before that blood sharing is 'personal' but he didn't really go on to explain what that meant. I found out though.
It was like Denver all over again, only, a million times hotter, dirtier, sexier. I wanted to rip his clothes off him and devour him. Over, and over and over again. I've never had, such, wicked impulses flashing through my mind, honestly I was a little impressed with myself for coming up with such ideas, but all I could see, feel, taste, was Damon and he was so turned on, I could feel him pressed up against me and it felt so goddamn right and, ah! It's ridiculous, I was desperate for him and all I could have was his blood. Not enough, never enough.
And then when he told me to stop, oh god it's like I was just in a completely different land while I was drinking his blood and then when I stopped I was so humiliated, I couldn't believe what I had done! And I felt so guilty, I'm with Stefan, we're supposed to be trying to make our relationship work and I'm practically dry-humping his brother in the bathroom of the Grill! What is wrong with me?
So I just ran away from Damon. I didn't even say goodbye I just had to get out of there because if I didn't I probably would have just had sex with him right there and then so I had to get out. As if it's not enough to be a new vampire with all these 'heightened emotions' I now have to add sexually frustrated to the ever growing list of things that are wrong with me.
Because I've tried, I really have tried to be intimate with Stefan and I just can't bring myself to do it. I think it's too early, too soon, when we were in the woods and he was touching me, it felt amazing but somewhere deep inside of me it also felt wrong. So I can't bring myself to go any further until things are better between us.
Unfortunately Damon's blood just came back up again, and it did not feel as good that way as it did on the way down. I called him to help me again, and I know I should be calling Stefan but I just feel like he's slipping further and further away from me with every day that passes, and I feel like he can't understand me properly.
Damon told Stefan about the blood sharing, even though he told me not to. And I didn't! But then Damon just went and told him anyway and Stefan was really upset about it and then I got upset because I just feel so much.
Oh god I feel, I've never felt so damn much in my life. How do they stand this?
How can anyone feel so much? Too much. Everything.
It's overwhelming and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. I swear to god if Stefan says that my emotions are 'heightened' one more time then I'm not gonna be responsible for my actions.
But all of these emotions, hate, love, lust, desire, rage, guilt, grief, they're all in there and I feel like they're going to explode out of me and I can't...and lighting a fucking lantern didn't do anything to help me and I don't...oh god I need help.
Elena