A/N: Thanks for the lovely reviews to the first two chapters of Season 4. Here be chapter three.
The Rager
"So I'm leaving this worry town
Please, my love understand
All my dreaming torn in pieces now"
Man I gotta get out of this damned town, I have to put some miles, and I mean, many fucking miles between myself and this whole situation. There's nothing for here for me, my best friend is gone. My brother won't say it out loud but we made a deal and after the blood-sharing debacle he definitely wants me to stick to it, and I didn't get the girl.
So I'm gonna kill the hunter and then I'm gonna leave. It's always good to start the day with a plan, it might not be a fool-proof one, but it's a plan, nonetheless.
I open the front door to find Stefan tinkering with the motorcycle I bought him for Christmas, the one I've never seen him use until now.
"Good day for a mid-life crisis, 164 years I'd say you're due" though, if this is his idea of a mid-life crisis, I'd hate to hear his definition of the summer-of-sin.
"Elena's transition to vampire has been a little...depressing, I wanna help her have some fun" oh I see, this is his idea of fun.
"Well those who can't do teach" again, my brother wouldn't know fun if it slapped him across the face.
"Well I see we're still fighting...where are you going?" the hunter jacked Lockwolf of his werewolf venom during his stay in the hospital, as he so kindly informed me this morning, so the hunter now has vampire poison in a bottle, "I'm going to find him and I'm gonna eat him"
"I'll go with you" Stefan offers getting up from his bike.
"I don't want your help, I just want to kill this guy and get the hell out of town" I take a drink from my morning concoction of coffee and blood, "wasn't that the deal? Whoever Elena doesn't choose leaves?" I'm still surprised he hasn't brought it up before now to be honest.
"Well that was before she turned" – "And I stayed to help. If I take you punching me in the face as the first clue, I'm not wanted here anymore" which, yeah, it sucks. 'Cause truth be told, I don't really have anywhere else to go. On the flip-side of that, it probably would do me some good to get away from Stef and Elena, at least for a while.
"Listen, you blood-shared with my girlfriend and I punched you in the face, you deserved it. Why don't you stop being dramatic?" yeah, I deserved it for trying to help your girlfriend.
"No brother, dramatic would be leaving before I kill this hunter" so you go and get on with your fun, while I solve all your problems, as always.
Sadly I don't really know where to begin looking for aforementioned hunter; I decide to start in the obvious places, Mystic Falls Main Street, coffee shop, the Grill, but no luck. No luck that is until I get a message from Baby Gilbert.
The hunter just showed up at his school looking for him, because, reasons which I don't fully understand right now, something about disappearing tattoos. The point is; that he got me the hunter's address, kid can really be quite useful when he puts his mind to it.
I head out for the address Jeremy sent and find a trailer, and the vampire poison I mentioned earlier. As I reach out to pick up a piece of paper, an arrow comes flying out and imbeds itself in my chest. And arrow which is attached, to a bomb. Yeah. Fantastic.
Unfortunately there are only so many people I can call in a situation like this and Dr. Meredith Fell is right at the top of that short list so I'm just stuck, waiting for her to turn up.
"Why were you being so cryptic?" she asks when she arrives, uh, so I could get you here! "Come in, close the door"
"Tell me that is not a bomb" uh, hmmm. Yeah that's why I was being cryptic.
"Okay it's a kitten! It's an adorable, exploding, kitten" – "Why didn't you call your brother?" because if this thing blows up in my face then at least one of us will still be alive?
"Because I'm proud and...stubborn and oh! Look, you're already here" I tell her she won't get hurt and that I just need her to cut the arrow out and as she gets to it I resume my snooping activities.
I pick up the letter I found earlier from the Pastor to his daughter, "what does he mean a greater evil is coming? Don't we have great enough evil already?" well you'd think that, wouldn't you? My phone starts ringing again and it's Elena, again. I send her to voicemail, again. I'm sorta indisposed at the moment.
"How'd you get stuck on hunter duty?" oh you know, baby-sittin' the children. "Stefan had a physics test" or something equally boring.
"You are a good brother" why thank you. You'd be about the only one who thinks so. "I'm the bad brother"
"You're strung up to a bomb while Stefan plays vampire with the girl who broke your heart. And you are doing a very good job of acting like it doesn't suck" well I'm glad to see those drama classes I took in the 80's paid off in the end then. And seriously Ric, what'dya do man? Share my life story?
"Okay I think that should be good" well thank god. I pull the arrow out of my chest; thank Meredith for her time and head on home.
Home, where I find my bedroom being ransacked by an irate Elena Gilbert. God I am way too tired for this shit right now.
"Hope you plan on cleanin' this up" she spins around clearly guilty at being caught but I'm more interested in what she's hoping to find, although I can venture a damn good guess.
"I need bourbon to get through Rebekah's party" she lies. "Yours is better than Stefan's" yeah, well I can think of plenty ofthings of mine that are better than Stefan's but let's not, shall we?
"Top drawer of the dresser" I point at said dresser and begin unbuttoning my shirt.
"You keep alcohol in your underwear drawer?" she asks, dangling a pair of my boxers from her fingers, "no" but you lied to me first honey. "But you weren't looking for alcohol were you?" why did she lie to me? I thought that was our thing, we tell each other the truth. No matter how much it might suck.
"Do you actually think I'd leave the last remaining White Oak Stake where any vampire could walk in and take it?" I finish unbuttoning my shirt and look down to check the area where the arrow went in.
"What happened to you?" Elena asks when she recovers from being called out on her lies, or recovers from the sight of my naked chest. Pick your poison.
"Hunter mishap" looks worse than it feels. "You know he was at my school today?" that I do. "Jeremy told me" she looks at me confused, "why are you talking to Jeremy?" is she serious right now? Why would I not talk to Jeremy? Again, I do not have time for erratic Elena.
"Don't worry about it" – "Damon! Don't bring him into this" did I not just say don't worry about it?
"Perish the thought he might actually be useful Elena" I need to shower, get rid of this blood and I take my shirt off before going for my buckle but she's still just standing there, watching me.
"You staying for the show or...?" not that I have any particular objections there but I'm fairly sure her boyfriend would. She finally looks back up at me and huffs before stalking out of my room "I'm finding that stake" she calls back over her shoulder. Yeah, never gonna happen honey.
After my shower I contact Meredith and Jeremy to put my newest plan into action, we're going to trap us a hunter. Then kill him, at the hospital, how very poetic. Then I find Elena still intent on tearing my house apart in her quest to find the stake so I just give her the damn thing.
She'll never actually go through with it, and even if she does, what the hell do I care? Best case scenario, we get rid of the bitch who killed her. Like I said though, she'll never go through with it, I mean it's Elena we're talking about, and that's really for the best, in the long run.
I'll have to get it back from her later though, and find a new hiding spot for it I guess, it was hidden in my secret safe in the study. It's where I keep the important stuff.
When Elena leaves to begin her murderous rampage I call Lockwolf to find out if he wants to accompany me to take out the hunter, seems only fair really considering how many times he's been shot by the guy. Only, it's not Lockwolf who answers the phone. It's Klaus, I guess he's back then. Just what we all needed.
He claims that Tyler is otherwise occupied, "is there anything I can do?" pass on a message? "I'm going after the vampire hunter so if he'd like to join" – "He wouldn't, I however..." well great. I suppose the alpha hybrid's gotta be better than the mini one.
I arrange to meet Klaus at the hospital and I head down there quickly to set up the storage room I'm using to trap the hunter. Payback's a bitch.
Klaus and I are waiting in the room and we hear Connor come in and then I step out of the shadows "is a hospital really the best place for a germaphobe?" – "Did I say I was a germaphobe? Pfft, sorry, I meant vampire" as he pulls out his gun he gets a couple of arrows in each arm for his troubles, courtesy of my very own exploding kitten bomb. And he's stuck, waiting to die.
He tries to grab his gun but Klaus steps out and kicks it away "hello mate" ye-ep, time to die. But first, I'd quite like to get some answers.
"Let's start with the basics, where you from? What do you know? Maybe you can clue me in on this 'greater evil' because I've fought this guy" I point at Klaus who rewards me with a smile "and there's no greater evil than that"
Klaus takes the weird suicide/warning note from me "yeah, truth be told I'm as evil as it gets"
"I'm not telling you anything. You think if you kill me it's gonna be over? There's another waiting to take my place" oh for fuck sake. There better bloody not be.
"See, this is what I like to hear. Vague threats, ominous prophecies, disappearing tattoos" the hunter looks shocked that I know that last piece of information. Yeah, I got friends in high places buddy.
"What do you mean tattoos?" Klaus asks, I dunno man.
"Don't bother you can't see the damn thing" for some god knows what reason, Baby Gilbert appears to be the chosen one.
"There's more to you than meets the eye isn't there?" Yeah, so, I'm getting the impression that Klaus knows something. Then again, he has been around for like, ever, so I suppose that shouldn't come as much of a surprise.
The hunter tries to stake him but Klaus grabs his arm, "nice try but I'm faster than your average vampire" he twists Connor's arm and takes the stake.
"You're one of the five" I'm sorry, the what now? Five? So there are more of them? What's goin-
"I'm faster than your average hunter" whoa shit, gotta go. I run and make it out just in time for the room to go Kaboom. Ah well, at least he's dead. Dunno where Klaus is but I imagine he got out. Or he'll just piece himself back together again, bit by little bit.
"So the sniper was inside?" Mrs. Mayor asks when she finally arrives at the hospital to inspect the damage.
"Yep, still is. In tiny little pieces" – "Good, I'll cancel the curfew and call off the extra patrols, I can't say I approve of your methods" well what can I say? Hospital seemed as good a place as any really.
"I'll make a donation. You can name a wing after me Mayor" god knows I deserve it. All I've done since I came back to this goddamn town is save it, and um, well most of its citizens. I may have eaten a few along the way.
I head out to the main hallway and find Jeremy, "See? I told you I can be badass" yeah kid, you did good; "Shh! Badasses don't say that" I catch up to Meredith, "Doc! Nice job" – "You told me the plan was to lead him to the storage room" yeah, we did!
"You left out the part about blowing up a hospital" ah man, I think I'm gonna get lectured.
"Come on, buy me a farewell drink, we'll talk about what the hell Klaus meant by 'the five'" I say when she's done complaining at me.
"You know you're not going anywhere Damon. And I am not your new partner in vampire crime. Fix things with Stefan and Elena, don't let your pride leave you all alone" wow, I think I got lectured twice.
Contrary to what Meredith said, I don't really know if I'm leaving or not. I think I am. I think I have to. I don't want to. I do want to. I don't know what I want. I've become Elena fucking Gilbert.
There are things I know and there I things I don't know.
I know that I love her. More and more, all the time until one day I think I might just spontaneously combust from all of the love I feel for this one girl.
I know that she's not mine. I know that she had to 'let me go'.
I know that she craves me. I know that she desires me. I know that she wants me. I know that she doesn't love me. Guess I was wrong on that count.
I know that for the rest of forever I'll feel her drinking my blood, I'll feel the pressure of her lips, her mouth, her fangs, sucking the blood from my body in a way that combines everything that is right about pleasure and pain.
I don't know if I can stay here and look at her. Hear her, smell her, talk to her. See her live out her 'epic' fairytale with my brother.
I don't know if I can bear having to watch them touch each other, kiss, caress.
I definitely can't bear the thought of having to hear them having sex so I'm inordinately grateful that there's been none of that going on since she transitioned. Unless they've been doing it at her house. Nope. Don't wanna know thank you.
The trouble is, the trouble always is Elena. A part of me wants to run, to run far and run long and never stop running until I forget about her.
Until I forget about the way she feels in my arms. The way she tastes on my mouth. Forget how very right that feeling is.
But another part of me made her a promise. And I made myself a promise. I promised her that I would never leave her again.
I promised myself that I would never leave her again until she ordered me away.
She's a vampire now and it feels like all the rules have changed.
It feels like everything has changed and yet nothing has changed at the same time and I am confused and I don't know what to do.
I don't know if I can walk away from her but I don't know if I can force myself to stay.
With all of these thoughts in mind I decide that the best thing to do might just be to go and see the girl in question. Maybe she can help me figure out my confused feelings for a change.
I find Elena in the midst of late-night snacking on her ex-boyfriend so I pull her away because as much as I don't care about the quarterback, I know if she killed him it would kill her. She tries to get back to him but I'm right in front of her.
"Stop, stop" once she calms herself down she moves right into the begging for forgiveness phase but I can solve this whole messy situation very simply.
"It's okay. Forget what just happened, you came over, she fed a little bit and you left, now go home" I compel him and send him on his way. Time to deal with my girl over there. Nope. Not my girl.
"What have I done?" she asks "nothing you should be ashamed of" I'm gonna say this one last time and this time I'm not taking no for an answer. It's time to try things my way.
"You are a vampire now; you just have to learn the right way to be one. And I'm gonna teach you" she looks up at me like she believe that I can. She looks up at me like she believes in me and I love that look.
I reach out and tuck her hair behind her ear and rest my hand on her face and then she nods in acceptance, great, so now I'm gonna teach Elena how to be a better vampire.
I would say that that's an affirmative 'no' to the question of me leaving then.
And I would say that that's pretty okay with me.
Dear Diary,
Remember what I was saying about feeling all of the feelings? Well those all nearly came to a head today.
I tried to kill Rebekah, I mean, I was going to try and kill Rebekah. I was so mad at her, more than mad, I was, god just full of rage and all I wanted to do was murder her. I am not this person! I can't be this person!
Damon gave me the white oak stake, I think he only gave it to me in the end though because he knew I wouldn't actually go through with it, although I think I would have given it a damn good shot if Stefan hadn't talked me out of it.
Oh god Damon, I was in his bedroom today, I made a complete mess of it I'm surprised he didn't try to kill me! But then we were in his room and he was getting undressed and he took his shirt off and I was practically drooling! I am such a mess! He asked me if I was going to 'stay for the show' and in my head I was like 'yes please!' but I didn't. I left, obviously. Maybe stupidly. I don't know.
When we were leaving Rebekah's party I drank some of her beer and it had been poisoned with werewolf venom by the hunter! I guess that's what you call Karma. I was hallucinating and it was Damon that I was thinking about. Stefan and I were kissing and trying to be, well, together but I started hallucinating Damon!
And when I asked him, not real him, dream him, why I was thinking about him, he said that it's because I'm a vampire now and a part of me knows that I'm a lot more like him than I am like Stefan.
But I don't want to be. I don't want to be like Damon. I don't want to be like Stefan. I just want to be like me. I want to be Elena Gilbert. But I feel so far away from who she was I have no idea what to do.
I nearly killed Matt tonight, god if Damon hadn't come by and stopped me then I would have killed Matt. I literally just died for that boy and now I'm trying to kill him! Damon made everything better, somehow he always does.
He compelled Matt and sent him home with no recollection of his ex-girlfriend trying to murder him and then he told me that I didn't do anything I should be ashamed of, he said that I'm a vampire now and I just have to learn how to be one. And then he said that he's going to teach me.
I trust Damon. I believe in Damon. I think if anyone can help me get through this, then it's probably gonna be Damon.
Elena