Important question, if someone could answer please that'd be great, how long is the gap between Season 4 & Season 5? Is it two months or three?

A/N: Elena is a little all over the place in her diary entry this one but that's on account of her trippin' with the beginnings of the hunters curse so you'll just have to excuse her when she abruptly cuts off due to the hallucinatory blood dripping from her nose. Crazy kid that she is.

The Killer

"Well I will not be an enemy of anything
I'll only stand here waiting for you
All my sins I said that I would pay for them"

I've spent most of the night and morning hunting for an elusive hunter but he is still nowhere to be found. Neither, for that matter, is my brother who also appears to be conspicuously absent. I decide to stop off at Elena's house, see if she's seen him, or if he's there, and check up on her at the same time. Two birds, one stone, 'course I imagine after last night's escapades Stefan and I will once again, be in a fight, but right now I got bigger worries than Stefan's jealousy issues.

"Excuse me, what are you doing?" Elena demands when I walk into her room, nope, no Stefan. "Where's Stefan?"

"Okay, good morning to you too" nope no time, sorry "He's not answering his phone and he's not here which you know, big deal, we've only got a killer vampire hunter on the loose" yep, my brother sure likes to pick his moments to throw a temper tantrum.

"I haven't talked to him yet today" – "Mm, gimme your phone, maybe he's dodging me" forget 'maybe' he is avoiding me.

"Why would he be dodging you?" she asks as she digs through her bag to find her phone. Gee Elena, I dunno "maybe the hot, sweaty dance party business? I figured you spilled your guilty little guts the minute I left last night" she doesn't answer me and she looks even more guilty now, maybe Stefan isn't avoiding me after all.

"Oh, you didn't tell him did you?" keeping secrets from Stefan now, what has the world come to?

"No Damon, I didn't tell him that I got high on blood like some crack-head and then dirty danced with you" good, well it works for me. God that dance was hot though. Almost makes up for the tragically ruined last one that we had. Almost.

"It was a mistake okay? I wasn't...myself and besides he's already got enough to deal with trying to get me through this vampire stuff" sure honey, whatever helps you sleep at night. Thing she doesn't understand yet, is that she's more herself now than she's ever been. Vampirism has a funny way of doin' that to a person.

She hands me her phone and I find Stefan on her speed dial. Oddly enough he's number two on that list. Wanna guess who number one is? Oh never mind, I'll tell you, it's me. We listen as Stefan's cell goes to voicemail for the twentieth time, where is he?

"So either he's dodging both of us" – "Or something's wrong" she finishes my sentence for me and we head down stairs to try and figure out where Stefan could be when I get a message from Jeremy. Only it's not from Jeremy, it's from the hunter. He's got hostages at the Grill and he's threatening to kill them, one of the 'them', being Jeremy.

We head straight for Lockwolf's house with Elena going out of her mind the whole way, where we meet the others, sans-Stefan because who the fuck knows where he is.

"So we each take a different entrance, hit him at the same time" I say when we're all caught up on what's going on. Ah, there's Stefan, finally.

"Where the hell have you been?" – "Comin' up with a plan" wha-? I did that already"

"Yeah we have a plan. Plan is I'm gonna rip Connor's heart out and I'm gonna feed it to him" – "That's not a plan. We have to be careful, Connor has Jeremy and who know how many other hostages" yeah, hostages who will be free when I, you know, rip his heart out.

"Damon's right" oh how I love to hear those words, and coming from Elena, even more so. "Connor's strong but he's not gonna be able to take all of us" exactly Elena.

Tyler adds his own muscle to the plan by calling in his buddies for help and Blondie says that Liz has patrol cars blocking the street so with everything all taken care of we are good to go.

"All right hold on, you're not all going" what the hell is my brother playing at?

"Listen nobody is going anywhere until I figure out what we're walking into" wha-? Who died and made him leader of the pack? 'Cause last I checked, I was still alive.

"Until you figure it out? Is that where you've been all morning, out buying bossy-pants?" why is he acting so weird?

"This guy's known for setting traps right? We'd be pretty dumb to walk into one, especially if he has werewolf venom" hence why we have the hybrids, they can go in first!

"Does he?" Elena asks "He had it before" jesus god. Stefan's clearly not gonna let this one go so, "fine, fine you wanna take some time to do recon you get one hour but we're gonna need some extra help so where the hell is the wicked witch of the west?" and what the hell is with everyone pulling disappearing acts recently? First Klaus and Stefan and now the witch.

"She can't do magic" what the hell do you mean she can't do magic Blondie? She's a damn witch.

"Really? Well call her, tell her Jeremy's life is in danger, maybe that'll bring her out of retirement" I walk out of the room before anyone else can throw any more spanners in my awesome plans.

Elena and I head to Ric's apartment to find his maps of the tunnels and I manage to find a few stray vervain darts and some odd looking crossbow at the same time. "Who is he talking to?" Elena asks from her position at the window where she's watching Stefan acting weird.

"Bonnie hopefully, maybe she decided to make herself useful again" I grab the map and spread it out on the table so I can figure out the best way to access the Grill.

"What is that?" 'Lena asks as she comes over, "It's our way in, courtesy of Alaric Saltzman's interest in the Mystic Falls underground railroad" – "The tunnels, like the ones in the Lockwood cellar" yep, only these ones lie directly underneath the Grill. I snap a picture of the map on my phone and Elena's starts to ring.

"What did you find out?" Elena demands, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is less than impressed with Stefan's stalling tactics. "I can only make out the voices" I ask him how many hostages there are and he tells us that Connor has Matt and April Young along with Jeremy. He says that he needs more time but honestly I am sharpish running out of patience with him and his shady antics. Time is not going to solve anything.

"I'm going in these tunnels" Elena says when Stefan hangs up, her patience clearly running out as well but I can't let her do that.

"No you're not" I say and reach out to grab her wrist and stop her. "This guy doesn't know that you're a vampire, let's keep it that way" and it's too dangerous. If Stefan is right and Connor does have wolf poison I'd rather Elena not go through that, again.

"Well maybe that's it, I could offer to trade myself in exchange for the hostages" she turns to leave and I grab her arm again, what part of 'no' got lost in translation?

"No, best case scenario is now you're a hostage; worst case scenario he figures you out, kills you on the spot" not. an. option. She swipes my hands away from her "Stop treating me like I can't handle myself. Alaric trained me and I've been practicing with Stefan" I wonder if I'll ever be able to get through to this girl.

"So what? Now you're gonna take on a professional killer?" I dart for the bed and grab the weird crossbow thing I threw down there earlier and aim it at her, "Bang. You're dead" that quickly. Need I repeat that it's not a fucking option?

"Now what?" she runs at me, throws me on the bed and in less than a second she's straddling me and pointing the crossbow at my heart. Well, that was unexpected.

"Head shot's no good. It has to be the heart, so now you're dead" huh, well played Elena, well played.

I take a minute to collect myself from the incredibly intimate position we've found ourselves to be in before speaking again, "for someone who doesn't wanna be like me" I move my hand up and push the weapon away from my chest "you sure are good at it."

"My brother's the only thing that's holding me together right now Damon. If anything happens to him" it both baffles and delights me that she's still not moved, seems quite content, in fact, to just be sitting on me, holding me down on the bed. And we both know that I could have her off of me in less than a second but if it helps her feel in control of something then I'm more than happy to let her get on with it.

"We'll get him out, I promise" and we will because I know that if anything happens to her brother then we will lose her, and honestly I don't really wanna lose the kid either.

Elena remains on top of me for a few minutes longer, battling to regain control of herself and her emotions and when she does she gets up and resumes her position by the window, leave it to Ric to have an apartment directly opposite the Grill.

"Stefan's on his way, this'll all be over soon" I reassure her when I come off the phone with my brother. "Will it? I mean, haven't we been here before with Jeremy? Isn't this why we sent him to Denver?"

Wow. Did she really just bring up Denver? You know, Denver, nights of breath-taking midnight confessions and hot, delicious kisses that were never mentioned again, as if they never mattered and never happened? Still, I guess none of it really does matter anymore. At least, not to her, sure as fuck still matters to me.

"Well we'll get him out of this and compel him down to the Bahamas" I turn and give her a smile, maybe I can at least cheer her up "maybe he'll find an Island girl" she gives me a half-amused, half-disapproving look and then Stefan finally appears.

"Did you find the tunnel map?" yes crazy, like half an hour ago! Which you would know, if you weren't off being all shady somewhere.

"How about we get this party started?" –"Not yet, Klaus is sending one of his men, he'll take the front and you and I can take the tunnels" Klaus? Huh?

"Since when do we team up with Klaus and the lollipop guild?" let's just go and rescue Jeremy and the others and kill the guy. Honestly this should not be this fucking difficult.

"I already told you Connor has werewolf venom, we need someone to draw his fire and the hybrids are immune to it so they're our best bet" what the hell is going on?

"How are you even sure he has werewolf venom? Why is Klaus involved Stefan?" has he been compelled?

"Stop being paranoid Damon" – "Start telling the truth, Stefan why is Klaus involved? Did he compel you?" he says that he is telling the truth but I know my brother and I know he's not.

Elena starts talking before I have a chance to "okay what is with you two? We're wasting time" yeah, she's right actually, screw this "I'll kill Connor myself" shoulda just done it in the first place.

Ouch. Vervain.

"Stefan" Elena.

Darkness.

I wake up to the sound of Elena freaking the ever loving fuck out. Gonna kill my brother. What the hell is he playing at?

"Damon? Hey, can you get up?" nope, don't think so. "Where's Stefan? I'm gonna kill him"

I try to get up and get burned by the sun for my efforts. Now I'm really gonna kill him, dick took my ring.

"Ow" – "He took your ring? Why would he do that?" 'cause he's a dick! I roll off of the couch and onto the floor to find a nice shadowy area.

"It's 'cause he's playing us, stalling, getting the hybrids, taking my ring, it added up; he's either made a deal with Klaus or he's compelled" fucking idiot that he is.

"Then I need to get in there" are we seriously back to this? Oh crap, she's leaving.

"No Elena this guy is dangerous" – "So am I Damon"

She spins around to look at me, and yeah, she's kinda right actually. She's not the breakable, fragile little human that she was anymore, she's a vampire now and she could be badass.

"Then you need to be smart. He doesn't know you're a vampire, you get as close as you can, you kill him" don't think twice, just do it. She nods her head and then she's gone leaving nothing but a cool blast of air in her wake. She has to do it; she might be the only one who can.

It only takes me about five more seconds to get my strength back, accept that what I just did was probably a shit idea and find the will to leave the apartment and track down my stupid brother. 'Course I have to go through a fucking septic tank to get to the tunnels, lest I die in the mid-day sun.

"Good work brother" I greet Stefan in the tunnels where he has captured himself a hunter. "It's over Damon I have him" no brother, I think you'll find it's over when I have killed him.

"I'm taking him with me" not on your life Stefan. "That's the thing, you're not. I don't know what you're up to or what Klaus has over you but even if I have to go through you, I'm gonna kill him" I start walking towards him and he tells me to back off, nope, no can do.

"This has nothing to do with Klaus, you're just gonna have to trust me on that" – "Don't want to. Don't have to. Not gonna. Now give him to me brother" wanna eat him.

Of course Stefan has to make my life difficult, he tells Connor to run which, fine, these tunnels are a fucking maze and I could track him down on my worst day but then Stefan grabs me and slams me into the wall. Not cool brother. "You're not gonna kill him" wanna bet?

I throw him off of me, grab him and slam him into the damn wall. "Why are you protecting him? Tell me" he struggles to get off me and then I do something that I have never done before, at least, not to my brother.

I shove my fist through his chest and wrap my hand around his heart.

"Tell me" – "Klaus'll kill anyone who knows" I don't care.

"Then it has to be good. Spill it" I squeeze his heart and it feels all kinds of wrong but I'm so fucking angry at him, not just for this but for so much, not least of all Elena. "Spill it" and he starts talking.

"Connor's tattoo is the key to a cure" huh? "A cure for what?" – "For her. For Elena"

Not. Possible. No way.

"Klaus told you there's a cure for vampirism?" this is some kind of fucking fairytale isn't it? There's no fucking cure. How? Where? It's...not possible.

"Yeah, and if Connor dies then we'll lose it forever. I know it's crazy Damon but it's hope. Do you understand me? It's her only hope" yeah I understand you brother. I know all about hope, crazy bitch that she is.

Where the fuck is Elena? Hopefully she didn't take my advice to heart. Speaking of hearts, I decide it's probably a good time to let go of my brother's.

We search the tunnels for Elena and Connor and find nothing except for a stake on the ground. Well one of them is definitely dead and I reckon it's probably Connor. Mainly 'cause the alternative's just, well, not an option.

We track Elena to the woods where we find her standing in a shallow grave, sobbing her heart out and digging away.

"Elena" my brother calls out for her and she spins around, dried blood caking her chin and covered in dirt. She should have known I would have done this for her; she should have waited for me. The first one's always the hardest.

"I need to bury him. I killed him. I should...I should bury him" Stefan and I share an uneasy look because we've all been where she is and there's not a damn thing we can do or say to make it better. Frankly, I could care less that the guy is dead, I know, I know, 'cure' and all, but he's one of the five right? Means we got another four chances out there somewhere.

Stefan walks over to Elena but she just slaps him away from her "Don't I heard you talking to him, making some secret deal with Klaus. You said you were gonna protect Jeremy, keep me from...this. You said that I could trust you Stefan"

I know that my brother won't try and defend himself so I try and do it for him. "Elena it's complicated"

"No it's not complicated Damon. And you wanna know why? Because, because he's dead now. You told me to kill him so I did" well fuck. She's right. This is my fault, I should never have let her go. But I also know that it was always gonna happen. There is not a vampire out there who has never killed, it's just not possible. Doesn't mean I don't feel desperately sorry for her though.

"I...I killed someone, oh...I killed someone, oh" she bursts out crying again and once more Stefan and I are at a loss as to how to help her. After refusing all attempts at help she eventually finishes digging the grave and burying the body and then demands to be left alone before walking off and leaving us standing in the woods.

Stefan takes off after her of course and I head home to grab a shower and read his diary.

"How is she?" I ask him when he comes out of his own shower. "Angry, full of guilt, hasn't said a word to me other than that she wants to be left alone" which is exactly why I came home, if she needs to be alone then that's what she needs. If she needs me, us, him, she'll call.

"Is that my journal?" ye-ep. "Had to go through six locks to get it" he comes and takes it away from me but I already got what I wanted.

"Needed somethin' to back up your insanity. You figure out how to tell Klaus you lost a hunter and a hybrid?" that's gonna be a pleasant conversation for sure.

"He's on a plane which means I get to live for another six hours" – "Well I got your back you know, when he comes to murder you" Stefan's journal said that Klaus went to Italy to go find some sword or other that'll lead us all to the holy grail.

"Thanks. Thanks for not saying anything to Elena" right, because while she's digging a grave is really the opportune moment to do that; 'hey 'Lena, the guy you just killed may or may not have been your ticket outta immortality'.

"About what? A cure we don't have, can't find and probably doesn't exist?" I mean, who the hell ever heard of a cure for vampires?

"She doesn't need to know that she killed her only chance of being human again" my thoughts exactly brother.

"Alleged chance" I say when Stefan pours himself a drink and turns to look at me. "I believe him Damon. You didn't hear Klaus's story. I believe every word he said" yeah well you would Stefan, big 'ol heart of gold and all. The heck does Klaus want with a cure anyway? Wouldn't have thought he'd be the type to give up his position as king of the damned world.

"Well I'll remain a sceptic for now, so what's your next move?" Stefan says that he's just gonna look until he finds another one of the elusive five hunters, or, four now, to be precise.

"Sure Stefan, since you asked, I'd be happy to go on a suicide mission with you for a potentially non-existent cure, no problem" well at least no one can ever accuse me of leading a boring life.

"Yet a couple of hours ago you were ready to rip my heart out" yeah, duh! You were being a dick. And it's not like I woulda actually done it.

"Answer me one thing, why do you want to cure her?" what the hell does he think is wrong with her?

"What kind of question is that?" a straightforward one I should hope. "Legitimate one. You wanna cure her 'cause she's a vampire and she's not cut out to be, or you can't love her if she is one?" my brother's silence and averted eyes tell me everything I already knew.

"I'll always love her" I sense a 'but' coming "but she's not supposed to be this person. I don't want her to be" yeah, that's what I thought brother.

"Well if I'm gonna ride this fairytale to its conclusion I wanna be clear about one thing; I'm fine with her either way brother so I do this, I'm doing it for you" I take one last drink and leave my brother to his thoughts.

I always knew Stefan was an idiot but this, this takes the fucking cake. He doesn't need to spell it out for me. He can't love Elena like this; she's something to be 'fixed' in his opinion.

But how can he not see that she's the same beautiful girl she's always been? In fact, I think she's even more beautiful now than she ever was.

Everything I love about her is magnified, everything I've always been drawn to like a moth to a fucking flame. Her passion, her fire, her desire, her heart, it's all amplified and she's never been more alive.

How fucking ironic is that?

Dear Diary,
Today I did the thing I was most afraid of, I lost control, I killed someone.

I killed the vampire hunter, his name was Connor Jordan. And I killed him. Damon told me to kill him, so I did. Only, I didn't really do it because Damon told me to do it, it's just easier to blame someone else than it is to blame yourself. But it's not the truth.

I killed him because he was a threat; he was a danger, to me, to my family, to the people that I love. I had to do it, I had no choice. But I'm a killer now, a murderer and I can't take that back. Becoming a vampire has irrevocably changed me and I can't take it back, I'm not the same person I was anymore.

Jeremy was compelled by Stefan, he's been hiding thing from me, keeping secrets, telling lies. More lies, I don't know what's going on but I can't put up with the lies anymore, and then he just left my brother bleeding in the Grill after the hunter shot him, he just grabbed Connor and disappeared.

But I found him and I killed him. I hate myself for what I've done.

He doesn't know it yet, but Stefan and I shared our last kiss today, I'm going to break up with him. I have to. Everything is different now, everything has changed, I have changed, so much, and I can't go on like this. It's not just because of the lies though, it's everything, it's me, which sounds silly, because it's going to end up being one of those, 'it's not you, it's me' break-ups, but this time it really is true. It is me, and I can't keep doing this.

I don't know how they all did this, Damon, Stefan, Caroline, how do you deal with being happy one second and then instantly switching to hating yourself and being ready to run into the sun without your damn ring on?

I used to think the worst feeling in the world was losing someone you loved but I was wrong. The worst feeling is the moment that you realise you've lost yourself.