AN: I think I love these two idiots and I adore all of you that are willing to laugh at them with me.

Thank you and enjoy.

Chapter 2

There was no deep sleep to be had that last night.

I had tossed and turned. The memories of being watched by Edward while I was naked turned to nightmares of gigantic lice crawling through that mullet of his as he talked about acid wash denim. I was still naked in these dreams and trying to attack his head with organic cleaners. It was horrible. It was terrifying. It was exactly what I deserved after making out with the man on the top of the truck.

"I am a common trollop," I said to my sleep deprived reflection. My reflection looked at me with condescending, bloodshot eyes. My reflection was a bitch.

The only thing that could possibly salvage this day would be a large, steaming cup of java. It needed to be piping hot and its sweet elixir full of high octane caffeine. I would hook that stuff to a continuous IV drip to deposit it right into my bloodstream if I could. Unfortunately, I would have to settle for doing it the old fashioned way.

"Dad, you have the coffee on?" I rushed down the stairs quickly the sound of my feet echoing through the house.

"Girl, you sound like a herd of damn buffalo! Slow it down." My father stood in the doorway of the kitchen. "I need to talk to you about closing your curtains at night."

I skidded to a stop almost crashing into my dad.

"What?" That's when I noticed the beer he was holding in his hand. "Dad, why do you have a beer? It's only nine!"

"You want one, Miss Bella?" A voice called from the kitchen. It was the voice from my nightmares.

Slowly, I pushed past my father to find Edward sitting at the kitchen table drinking a Budweiser and eating a plate of fried eggs. He was sitting in a sunbeam that came in from the kitchen window. The whole room was bright as the light reflected from the yellow walls and made Señor Mullet glow like he was sitting in a spotlight. I hated to admit he was somewhat good-looking in the plaid shirt he wore, luckily for my libido, he had the personality of a mosquito. It seemed no matter how much I swatted him, that man kept coming back. His tenacity was obnoxious.

"I think you should leave," I stated, as I tightened my robe. It was old, pink, and fluffy which should have stopped him from looking at me like I was piece of meat. It didn't. He must be having flashbacks from last night. I personally was trying to forget the whole thing.

"Have some eggs with us, Bella," My dad suggested as he sat across from Edward. They looked like lumberjack twins. "Edward joins me for breakfast often."

Of course, he does. This must be their idea of brunch and instead of Bloody Mary's they go with the brewskis.

There were only two chairs at the table and Edward patted his lap. "There's plenty of room right here."

My father laughed loudly. "Isn't he hilarious, Bella!"

Sure, just like if we all came down plague.

"Don't either of you have work today?" I stomped over to the coffee pot. Of course, it was empty.

"When its done, give me a cup, sugar." Edward held up an empty mug at me. "I like it light and sweet, just like you."

I was going to smash the mug over his head and then take my father over to a psychiatric hospital to get him committed. He must have lost his damn mind the way he was chuckling over Edward's every word. I think he had a man crush on the mullet.

"No." I tried to remember what they taught me at yoga. Deep breaths and thinking about relaxing calm breezes and ocean views. I could only see bare chested Edward clad only in a towel. I sucked at yoga.

"You have to work today, kiddo?" My dad asked before taking a bite of eggs.

"Unfortunately." I tried to tune them out as I put coffee grounds into a filter.

My dad decided to keep talking about me. Couldn't he see I was trying to pretend they didn't exist? "I think she should be a teacher. Work with those babies in the kindergarten."

I hated children with their snotty noses and need to whine. It was still probability a better gig than working with Alice.

"I applied, Dad," I pointed out for the fiftieth time. "There's no openings at the moment. I'm out of here when I get my acceptance letter anyway."

"You already leaving, Bella?" Edward dropped his fork. His face serious. "We were just getting to be pals."

Nope, we weren't.

Dad grabbed a piece of toast. "My kid wants to become a fake doctor. All she wants to do is go to school and to marry assholes. Don't people want to finish school? It was that jackass's fault putting ideas into her head. He saddled her with student loans and he hurt my little girl. Can you imagine what I thought when she called me from Vegas? Devastated, Edward, that was what I was! She should just stay here. Meet a nice boy, give me grand babies—"

I had never heard my dad talk so much. My dad didn't even say this much when I called him from The Littlest Wedding Chapel. There was just a serious of grunts and grumbles when I told him about the wedding being done in a drive through. I was certain he would be impressed by my frugality.

Maybe it was Edward making Dad so verbose. It was as if Edward was his priest. Dad was just confessing all feelings. Maybe it was their joint love of plaid shirts.

"Drop it, Dad." I turned to watch the brown liquid drip into the pot. The sooner its done, the sooner I can escape.

I'd heard shades this song and dance before. Dad was proud of the first degree I received, but was increasingly critical of my continuing educational pursuits. He was fairly certain that I was avoiding living my life. I was fairly certain I was enriching my future through study. We were at impasse. Dad's feelings concerning James, however, were ones that I could now see some logic.

"I think going to college is a good thing, Charlie. I think would have liked it," Edward interjected, giving me a smile. "My dad would have loved to be a doctor. That's why he's a midwife."

I did a double take on that admission.

"Carl is one of the best." My dad nodded. "I think you should learn to be a midwife, Bella! Wouldn't that be fun?"

My own father didn't know me at all.

I pulled the unfinished pot out and headed out of the room. "I think I'm taking this coffee pot to my room. Get ready for work."

"Kid, you taking the whole thing?" My dad watched me with a mix of confusion and worry. "How about giving your old Dad a bit of that?"

"Enjoy your beer, father."

Edward chimed in, "I have to go to the mall today. I'm coming to visit you."

"Don't bother." We'll probably ended up kissing in the food court by the Burger King, because I have no will power and am obviously losing my mind.

"I think she has a crush on you, Edward!" My dad said in the loudest whisper ever.

Kill me now.

XXXXXX

"I brought you a present!" Eric Yorkie, thick eyeliner making him blink furiously, was leaning over the counter in a black leather shirt that was decorated in silver spikes. It wasn't much better than the mesh shirt except thankfully it covered his nipples.

"Alice, Eric Yorkie brought you a gift." I decided to try wishful thinking. Better her than me.

"Oh no, Isabella Swan! I have brought you the finest chocolates for your enjoyment!" He shoved a heart shaped box in my face. "Happy Valentine's Day, Bella!"

It was seventy percent off from the pharmacy on the first level. He left the sale sticker on. It was also May.

"I'm not a fan of chocolate." I shoved it back at him.

"All girls love chocolate," he exclaimed, pushing it back to me. "Take it."

I shoved it harder. "I'm sure some other girl would love it."

No girl I could think of, but supposedly there's someone for everybody.

"You're the girl I want to have it!" Eric exclaimed as the box hit me hard in the eye.

"You blinded me!"

Tears dripped out of both eyes, but the right one was painful. I clasped my hand over it. With my one functional eye, I saw the candy carnage surrounding me. The chocolate candies must have fell out of the box landing all over the counter and floor after attacking my face.

"Ouch, Bella, that must have hurt. You sure are clumsy," Alice stated. There was a squishing noise. "Nasty! I stepped on a caramel filled one!"

That was the only remotely funny thing to occur in this situation. To be perfectly honest, I deserved combat pay to work at this place.

"It's because I'm Asian." Eric was pouting.

Squinting at him, I couldn't figure out what nonsense he was spouting. "What's your problem?"

"You won't except my candy and won't date me because I'm Asian," he whined. No, it was because he wore shirts that looked like they were stolen off an apocalyptic movie set.

I really would be better off if I got the teaching position. I was surrounded by giant babies here and I'm certain actual children were probably better behaved.

"I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. I just got out of a relationship and I need to heal." I used all the lines I could think of to get him to stop fixating on me. Unfortunately, for me, he looked so sad. "Would you feel better if I pierce your ear again?"

There was hardly any room left on his ear. I would have to squeeze it in between a skull and a pirate hoop earring. There was no way this guy would get through a metal detector with all of his piercings.

"Bella, if he picks a diamond stud, you'll be out a hundred bucks!" Alice whispered.

I fixed my offer quickly. "You'll have to pay for the earring!"

"Oh. I guess that would be cool," he agreed sadly. "Since you won't be my girl, I guess that will do."

"She's going to be too busy being my . . . What the hell happened to your eye, baby?" Oh joy. It was my stalker that had magically stepped out of a Bon Jovi video.

"Don't call me 'baby'," I complained. He grabbed my face and pulled me practically over the counter. "Boundaries, buckaroo!"

He pushed my hair away from my face. "This is going to bruise. Jasper, could you go get her some ice from the Pretzel place. I'm sure Alice doesn't have an ice pack."

"Hey!" His sister protested, but added, "I did have one last year."

I thought I saw out of my limited vision, a blond mullet retreating toward's Auntie Ann's Pretzels with his multi-colored polo shirt. I think it was a vintage Wham reproduction.

"I think I must have accidentally jumped into a DeLorean and went back to 1985," I muttered. When forced into bizarro eighties land, it was easy to make those kind of jokes.

"Back to the Future?" Edward said as he continued to look at my face. "I love that movie!"

"Color me surprised." I flinched when he touched my face.

"Sorry, pretty Bella." His green eyes were so kind at that moment, you could see his potential. He made my icy heart melt slightly. It was at least a drip of heart thawing.

I shrugged and added, "It's okay."

"I don't think she wants to be touch—" Eric tried to interject.

Edward didn't stop looking at me. "Go sell some leather collars, Yorkie."

Eric didn't say anything, but did proceed to vacate the kiosk. I had a sneaky suspicion he was a bit frightened by Edward.

"They have leather collars?" I couldn't help asking. Edward didn't seem the type, but you never know what kind of secrets he had buried in his closet.

"I have no idea, but I would be willing to think that they do." He laughed and then quickly brushed his finger against my lips. "I'm going with Jasper to Bud's tonight for beers and burgers. The baseball game is playing and they have a pool table. You want to come?"

"I think I'm better hiding this black eye at my house." I pulled away and saw Alice glaring at me.

She stomped over and threw an arm around me and said, "We're going. We planned on a girl's night anyway."

"No, we didn't!" I tried to elbow her in the ribs to get her arm away from me. "I want to watch Scandal!"

"Let me just borrow her for a second." Alice pulled me to the other side and hissed, "We have to go! Jasper is going to be there!"

She started to shake me.

"Is he your boyfriend?" I asked.

"Not yet! He just broke up with Maria and is completely vulnerable to my charms." She poked me in the nose. "You can ride with Edward. Jasper lives closer to me so he can just swing by and pick me up."

"Why don't you just ask him to get coffee with you? You could get to know each other and—"

Alice shook me harder. "What's the fun in that? It will be easier to get him drunk."

She needed my guidance. There was so many possible disasters in her plan that I was just amazed I was considering helping her, but dealing with a heartbroken Alice at work would be a worse fate. I couldn't deal with her crying along with the customers. I had limits.

"Maybe, I'll go," I said reluctantly.

"Edward, she's going!" Alice yelled. It echoed all the way to The GAP.

Edward blew me a kiss. "Baby, it's going to be a night to remember."

That's what I was afraid of.

XXXXXX

Edward was going to be at my house in ten minutes. I needed to cancel right this minute.

"It wouldn't hurt to meet new people. Have some fun, Bella!"

Instead of canceling, I was moaning to my best friend, Angela. I wanted her to tell me what to do. I wanted her to tell me to run away from crazy town.

We had met freshman year in sociology, and were immediately kindred spirits. We bonded over our love of books and feminist, folk singers. When she met Ben and I started dating James, we all became the best of friends. It was hard to be away from her and Ben. It was even harder nursing my broken heart caused by James.

"We practically had sex on a car!" I exclaimed, as the flashbacks returned. It was fun, I had to admit after the embarrassment wore off.

Angela laughed. "You kissed a boy on a car! You need to do more things like that, Swan! You've gotten used to the same old things. Excitement is good for you!"

"Girl, he has roadkill glued to the back of his head!"

"A mullet?" She asked reflectively.

I yelled in her ear, "Yes!"

"It looks good on country singers." She was way too in obsessed with the country musicians.

"None of the new ones have mullets!" I rubbed my head and tried to will away the impending migraine. "If you are talking about Billy Ray Cyrus then I am disowning as honorary girlfriend."

"Oh simmer down." Angela got quiet. "Shit! I have to go!"

"That's okay, Ang. Date night with dear Bennie?"

"Bella, it's the Tori Amos concert," she admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, I had forgotten with everything that was happening. I should have flown back for it."

James had gotten me tickets for my birthday. Tori Amos was a special part of my friendship with Angela. We had seen her once before in concert, but I had finals the day before and I fell asleep using Angela's shoulder as a pillow. We had been called adorable lesbians that night. We still joke about it to this day.

"I want to let you know that James is taking the stripper. I didn't want you to see it on Facebook." Angela said this angrily. "I don't even want to go! Ben doesn't want to waste the tickets or get in trouble scalping them."

Ben was always so afraid of getting in trouble. The guy wouldn't even jaywalk.

"It was my birthday present! They were mine!" I cried. "That tramp is going to forever ruin Tori! She will truly be silent all these years to me."

"I'm so sorry, Bella!" Angela sounded close to tears herself. "What should I do?"

I took deep breath. "You are going to have fun for me. I am going to eat burgers and try not to be annoyed by Alice Cullen. Tonight will be horrible!"

"You should make-out with the sexy mullet again," she suggested.

"No!"

"Get James out of your system! If he can move on then so should you!" Angela's pep talk was wearing me down.

"Maybe."

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "Call me with the details in the morning! Unless you are staying the night at his house."

"I would choke on that hair style disaster." The images in my head were frightening.

She laughed. "Why would you be face down to get all that luscious hair stuck in your mouth? You getting kinky in Forks?"

"Please stop! Go watch our favorite singer and think of my suffering."

We said good-bye and I hung up the phone. Taking a deep breath, I considered Angela's words.

James was having sex with a stripper. Why shouldn't I kiss Edward? I deserved a little bit of fun! I wasn't a nun! I was single! I was going to do this! I was starting to lose my nerve, so I ran out of the room.

I rushed down the stairs and barely waved a farewell behind me to my dad, as he called out, "Where are you going?"

"Edward Cullen's house, Dad. Heading to some bar for dinner."

"About time you spend time with a nice man," the old man said cheekily. I just ignored him.

I rushed through the yard to Edward's and ran up the front steps to his porch. I knocked on the red front door with a series of six raps. He opened and regarded me with a smile. "I was just about to come over. You better not be canceling."

Edward was wearing an old Metallica band tee-shirt with a pair of normal jeans. His feet were bare and his eyes twinkling. I was operation on pure adrenaline at this moment and that was all I needed.

"No canceling, but I need to get something out of my system." Before he could ask what, I kissed him soundly on the lips. It was intense and I tightened my grip on his arms. I pulled away and stated, "Thank you. Your willingness to let me do that is appreciated."

"Baby?" He took in my glare and corrected himself, "Bella?"

"Yes?"

"I need to get you in my system, honey." He pulled me closer by the waist and kissed me in return much harder. His tongue plunged in my mouth. I was pulled into his house as our mouths continued clashing together.

He kicked the door closed with his foot and I just let myself go in his embrace and twisted my fingers in that mullet. It was surprisingly soft and I wished I had a pair of scissors.

Tori Amos, James and stripper Vicki were forgotten. Kissing really is a great distraction.