AN: It's my birthday. I have quite a few updates for stories today.

There was some Saturday Night Live inspiration in this chapter.

Enjoy.

Chapter 3

Edward Cullen's couch was a brown leather that was soft to the touch and it made me feel like I was laying on a cloud. I would probably fall asleep on it if I didn't have his mouth pressed on mine sucking out all the oxygen, while his erection was pressing my hip bone. I knew I should push him off, but I was as bad as he was. My fingers had creeped under his shirt and were digging into his skin. There were going to be marks.

Kissing Edward was an instant way to elevate one's mood. I wish I could just bottle it up and take it in pill form. It worked far better than valium.

He pulled away slightly and pulled off my glasses. "Look at those pretty eyes."

"Why are you talking? Your mouth has an even bigger job to do." I attempted to pull him down. The man just looked down at me with green eyes that danced. I just described his eyes as dancing. I needed some sort of therapy. His lip therapy would work for now I guess. "Down."

All of a sudden there was singing coming from above his fireplace. It was that ridiculous Billy Ray Cyrus song about hearts and aching. I glanced over toward the sound as Edward was trying to stroke down my side. It was a singing fish that was attached to a plaque like a trophy. My dad had always wanted one of those horrible things. "Please tell me that was a gag gift."

"Nope, honey, I bought it at Walmart," he exclaimed. Of course, he did. Tori Amos was now playing two pianos in front of my ex-husband and a stripper and here I was pinned by a man who had a singing fish hung on his wall for decor.

This teaches me not to try to be nice to people. Next time, Alice Cullen can fend for herself.

"You've got to be kid—" His mouth stopped my words. Those lips almost had magical powers.

His hands were wandering. I was in some Cullen daze letting my own hands do the same. All of a sudden, a large oak clock chimed. It was the time-out bell. Edward hopped up and pulled me with him. He straightened my shirt and kissed my forehead.

"My sister is waiting and poor Jasper doesn't have clue how to handle that wild child. I sure did enjoy making out with you on my couch," he said, as I stared at him blankly. We had to have conversations now? He patted my butt and went towards the front door. "I need to get my shoes on, little filly!"

"Do I look like a domesticated animal that's been disobedient? Don't smack me! I don't like it!" In a way, I was thankful for this. It was a reminder how different we really are and not just in what you could see outwardly. His oral skills had made me delusional for a bit, but I was back on track.

He looked up with that grin of his. "Baby, you are going to love my special spankings someday."

My mouth dropped. It was time to go home to my childhood bedroom, near my father who was drinking beer on his smelly couch, and I could moan how my life turned out. I sputtered, "I need to leave."

"Don't talk crazy now. I didn't mean to offend, sweetheart. All I'm saying, from my point of view, is that you live a very sheltered life. You don't do excitement. I get that it would be scary, but little girl, I see a fire in you that is just dying to get out." He strolled over and pulled me against you. "I just love a challenge."

His handsome face was close to mine. It would be so easy to just let go. I wasn't a quitter. "I'm no challenge. This isn't Taming of the Shrew. Your Benedict isn't going to change my Beatrice to become like him."

"I would never change you. I find myself wanting to hear your confusing words like whatever the hell you're mumbling about right now. I have no clue about shrews." Edward rubbed my lips with his thumb.

I wrinkled my nose and tried not to judge him. "It's a Shakespeare play."

"Right. That guy who wrote that dumb story about the kids who killed themselves. Read it in high school. Not a fan," he stated. I had to agree with him. It wasn't a fan either. Then he had to continue, "Who uses those fancy words all the time? I bought the cliff notes so I could write my paper."

"It was written in the past when people talked like that! His words are poetry!" I banged my head into Edward's chest.

"Hey now!" He pulled me away slightly. "I'm learning from you, Bella Swan, and you're learning from me. This is going to be the adventure of your life."

For good or for bad, I couldn't help but believe him.

He squeezed my ass one more time for good measure. "I'm going to give you a night to remember and drop you home with a kiss that will curl your toes. Get ready to be wooed, baby."

XXXXXX

The bar, Waylon's Pub, was downtown near Newton's Sporting Goods Store. I have memories of the smell of stale beer and corn nuts that radiated from that place when I walked past the front when I was little. My hand clutching my dad's as we went past. It had always made queasy. When I grew up and went to the trendy micro pubs near campus, I still would get a momentary flashback of those days.

I had never been inside, but this was a new time and this was the new Isabella Marie Swan. The Isabella who had dreams of intellectual greatness, a flourishing marriage, and a job as a professor was gone. In her place, was this girl who was standing on a pile of peanut shells and surrounded by a sea of men with mullets. The woman wore tight skirts and big hair. I would have never expected to find myself in such a place but here I stood.

The establishment had wood paneling with beer posters tacked to the walls with thumb tacks. Spuds the dog, beer mascot from the past, stared back at me from torn and faded paper. This place needed some new advertisements. Actually, the whole place needed updating. The stools and booths were ripped, stained red leather. The floors were unclean and some of the floorboards needed to be nailed back down. It was a deadly accident waiting to happen with all the drunks in the place.

There was only one thing that wasn't a throwback to the eighties. It was a large flatscreen that was playing the baseball game with no sound. Instead of the cheers of the crowds, Metallica was using their heavy rifts as the soundtrack to the Yankees trouncing the Red Sox.

If I get in the doctorate program this would be the perfect place to write about for my thesis. There's always a silver lining somewhere. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Edward had been talking to me, but I hadn't caught a word. His hand was clutching mine. I was pretty certain he thought I was going to flee. I was close to coming to that decision, so his idea to hold me there was a good one.

"—burgers are great here. What do you think?"

"That this is the place that the mullets come together to congregate and have contests to see which one looks most like a drowned rat," I confessed, as I watched a giant man with the longest mullet I had ever seen dance with the mother from the ill-fated piercing day. I think her name was Rose. There was a make-shift dance floor where they were gyrating on each other. It was like watching the mating ritual for wild boars. It was a pretty accurate description and the couple was reminiscent of the documentary had to watch in Animals and Sexuality 102.

He smirked at me. "Not a fan of mullets? You like mine though?"

"Nope. Not one bit," I said distractedly, as I watched the giant mullet try to mount his lady's leg.

"I would love to hack it off with gardening shears."

"Garden shears?" He tightened his grip on my hand. "Why those?"

"I imagine that you would need something tough to try to unattached those crazy pieces of unneeded tendrils," I looked up at that unneeded hair with a wrinkle of my nose. "I don't think that hairy mop would give up without a fight."

"Maybe someday I'll cut it," he said lightheartedly. "You'll have to work for it."

"You need to do it for yourself and the good of the future. Some fads need to die out like the dinosaurs, dude." I couldn't help smiling back at him.

"Like you calling me dude, valley girl?" Edward wrapped an arm around my waist in public. I let him. I liked it. I think.

I quipped and he quipped back. It was an endearing trait to me.

"I was just trying to speak to you in your language of jelly bracelets and neon tie-dye shirts." I saw Alice wave us over with a pout on her face. It seemed her plan to seduce the blonde man was failing miserably. He was guzzling a beer. "I think we need to save your sister."

"You mean Jasper."

"No," I disagreed as we headed over to them. "Your buddy seems to be getting happy drunk while Alice is heartbroken."

"I wish she would get over him. He's still interested in that damn Maria. Alice is gonna go after him like a rabid dog and get hurt." He looked sadly at his depressed sister. Then he waved over to the giant. "Hey Emmett!"

The giant had a name. The large man stopped and pointed at us. His wife just glared at me. It was understandable. I almost maimed her kid with a piercing gun. Perhaps she should have asked a doctor to perform the task instead of two yahoos at a piercing kiosk. I proudly admit I am one of those clueless piercing yahoos.

"Yo, man! Is that her? Thanks for not piercing my kid's brain, sugar!" His voice boomed over the heavy metal music. "Is she the one you were banging on top of the truck in the parking lot, dude? Nice fucking work, my man!"

Oh. My. God. It would be an act of mercy if someone put me out of my misery right now.

"It's okay, Bella," Edward whispered in my ear and pulling me close. "You are now the most popular girl here."

"That is not a good thing, Cullen! People saw us!" I spat. I sat next to Alice who was holding a margarita glass and using her finger to flick the salt off the rim. It fell onto the table like dandruff. Actually, I hoped that was only salt. I tried to discreetly spot white specks in the girl's hair. "How goes it, Alice?"

"He wants to call the whore he dated!" Alice whined. "Jasper, she's a monster!"

"She just needs the love of a real man again, Al! You don't understand, because youse just a kid," he slurred. "Eddie, I can't figure how to dial these here keys!"

The drunk man held up an old flip cell phone and Edward snatched it away. "No way, buddy! Let's get the ladies some drinks. A beer, Bella?"

"A pinot grigio, please," I said without thinking.

"Is that the red or white one?" Edward asked in confusion.

"White." I watched as Edward dragged Jasper away. "You need to play hard to get or at least try to move on, Alice."

I was dishing out relationship advice now. I was on the road to ruin. It was if I was trying to be the tacky bar version of Jane Austen's Emma. The writer was probably rolling over in her grave.

"You learn that from Cosmo?" she asked. "Glamour has better relationship advice."

Alice was getting her relationship advice from fashion magazines. She would be much better off taking actual fashion advice from the magazine. The skintight red dress she wore did little for anyone's imagination and made her look like she was trying too hard. It would be more fitting for a job interview at a strip club. James's new girlfriend would approve.

"My friend Angela is wise in all things and told me these truths. You need to cover up the goods," I suggested pointing to her chest. She instantly used her hands to cover her breasts. It was a start. "Are you willing to try and let me help you?"

She looked over at Jasper with a wistful expression. "Sure, nothing else I've tried worked."

"That's a good answer, Alice! Now you—" I started to say, but was distracted by a woman with a wild mane of blonde hair and a tight electric blue tube dress who was manhandling Edward. "Who's that?"

Alice glanced over and gave a disgusted look. "Lauren Malloy. She's Edward's ex-girlfriend."

The woman turned to glare at us with a beer in her hand. That's when I saw the bump. "Why is that woman pregnant and drinking in a bar?"

I watched as the woman ran her hand up Edward's thigh. He just laughed at her. Edward then directed his attention to a swaying Jasper. He was more concerned with helping his drunk friend to stay upright.

"Is she? I thought that skank just ate a big lunch."

"She's pregnant. The only other conclusions would be she was born with an unfortunate body shape or there's an alien waiting to burst out," I pointed out.

"That's gross!" Alice squealed. She added patting my hand, "It isn't Edward's. They haven't been together in years."

The way Alice said it was really kind. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. This was bordering on a Afterschool Special learning moment.

I watch as Lauren said something into Edward's ear. She appeared to lick it. I stood up with a purpose. "I'll be back."

I stalked over to them like a woman possessed. "You really shouldn't be drinking in your condition."

"It's non-alcoholic. Not that it's any of your business," she hissed, as Edward watched with wide eyes.

"My mistake! I was just worried about your wee baby. The children are our future and all that jazz." I looked pointedly at Edward and took the wine that was placed in front of him on the bar. "Let's play pool."

"Gawd! You're the one that he was fucking at the mall! Was it really in the back section of the food court?" She looked at me like I was going to give her all the sordid details.

I could have acted affronted, but decided to give her something to wrap her perverted head around. "We were hot and heavy on the hood of my car, honey. I just love the fucking Edward outdoors."

Edward was in shock and mumbling to himself. I grabbed his belt buckle and pulled him to me so I could kiss him in front of her. Plunging my tongue in his mouth, I felt him melt into me. I pulled away and said, "Come get me at the pool table, tiger."

I downed the wine and headed to an empty table to rack up the balls. What was I doing? Was this jealousy?

I grabbed a long black pole and leaned over the table pretending to shoot. I felt hands on my waist and a man's body press into the back of mine. Edward spoke into my neck. "You were jealous."

"Nope. It was funny. I was bored," I lied.

He rocked his body into mine. "I can't wait to take you just like this in my bed, honey. Just go ahead and shoot."

I swallowed hard and took a shot. Edward nibbled on the bottom of my ear. The ball shot through the air and hit some random man in the head.

Whoa.