AN: Hi. Enjoy.

Chapter 6

Edward's parents lived in a small house in town. It was painted a pale pink and there were various planters filled with flowers hung from hooks on the front porch. There was a sign that read, Serenity Women's Experience in a swirly, pink font. It certainly seemed serene from the outside. It always has been said that the color pink was a soothing tone. The sound of the Bee Gees that was playing outside was an interesting touch.

Edward must have noticed my slow and completely unintentional head bobbing that was accompanied with my look of confusion to the of the acoustical version song, Night Fever. He explained, "There are speakers in the fake rocks."

"I wasn't curious about that. I'm just trying to figure out why your father decided that the Bee Gees are comforting music for pregnant women."

He shrugged. "Dad, thinks that the babies find their inner joy to seventies dance music."

"Isn't it supposed to be classical music stimulating positive brain function to increase early intelligence. I read a joint paper written by the Human Development and Psychology Departments of the University of Chicago that shows through their research on the infant brain in utero that the neurons of fetuses—" I began to explain. Studies like these were invigorating and I was already deciding that my next scientific study reread would be about the cognitive brain function of primates that were treated like human children.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, honey. Your words are just a jumble of things I don't understand. My dad just thinks those babies like to boogie." He pulled me closer. "However, if you want to say those sweet nothing to me naked on my bed, I'm all ears. Just wear the glasses, Miss Bella. Damn those things are sexy on you."

I was planning on telling him off in righteous, feminist indignation, but instead I wiggled in his grasp trying to create some friction.

"Honey, you trying to get frisky in front of my mom's house. She's probably making a pie right now." He moved his body against me. "I think she'll be all right. My parents are very forward thinking about sex."

"I'm trying to rub my back on your arm!" I explained. "My back is itching like crazy!"

It would be a lie to say that his penis pressed against me wasn't stimulating. The idea, however, of becoming intimate with him in front of his parents was nauseating. Not to mention my poor back felt like horrible welts were forming on my poor skin.

Edward gently scratched my back. "I'm sorry, Bella. I know it feels terrible. I was just trying to lighten the mood. I thought I could distract you."

"You are very distracting, Mr. Cullen. Thank you for the attempt."

The problem was that man was always quite the distraction. It was Edward's animal magnetism taking me in and not the disturbing fascination with his hairstyle.

"We should probably get you inside so Dad can check out that back of yours. I want to get you all healed up." He kissed me on the head and attempted to lead my up the porch stairs and towards the magenta front door. I hadn't noticed the hue of the door originally. There were also pink outdoor furniture on the porch. This place was practically a little girl's gigantic Barbie house.

"Was the color scheme of this place inspired by a bottle of Pepto-Bismol?" The question just popped out of my mouth. I covered my mouth with my hands. I didn't mean to say that. It was best to apologize for this slight profusely. "Edward, I am so sor—"

He was cracking up. Edward attempted to regain his composure. "That was exactly the description I was looking for! It's horrible, isn't it? Girl, I think I've been waiting for you my whole life."

Suddenly, I was pulled into his arms and Edward's mouth went to mine roughly, but at the same time he gently scratched my back for me. This guy made me wonder if I too was waiting for him.

"Boy, this is a place where babies come out and not where my child should be sticking one in. There is a shed where you can take your girl out back. Just make sure you clean up after yourselves," a lilting voice stated.

I looked up to see a woman with auburn waves that were streaked with gray standing in the doorway. She was dressed in a floral, silk robe and crystal jewelry. There was a copy of the Karma Sutra in her hand. Edward didn't even have to introduce her.

"Ma! Don't embarrass Bella! We're here to see, Dad!" Edward grumbled. He attempted to pull me past her, but the woman grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.

"Esme Cullen, almost certified sex therapist," She introduced herself to my complete mortification. She pulled away and looked at her son. More specifically, she regarded Edward's crotch. "Nice tent there, Edward. Your father was sporting one just two hours ago."

This was a nightmare.

"Cullen men are known for their stamina, sugar," she whispered in my ear.

Good to know, just not from Edward's mother.

XXXXXX

"I need you to pee in this cup, Bella." Carlisle Cullen tried to hand me a tiny, plastic cup. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts to perform an unneeded exam, which seemed to me completely unethical, even for a mid-wife. Perhaps mid-husband would be a more accurate description. "Afterwards, stick on the floral robe that is hanging on the door of the bathroom. I'll start your exam after that."

The walls of the exam room that Carlisle used was covered in a wallpaper with tiny roses. Those roses were, of course, pink. Instead of using a table that one would normally use in a physicians office there was a Victorian settee. The fabric was also covered in flowers. Actually, the whole room was in a floral motif. It was nauseating.

"Mr. Cullen, I don't need to pee in a cup or have a pelvic exam. I just need—" I looked down at the old fashioned couch. "You need to tell me you put a paper sheet on this thing during exams."

"Prenatal vitamins! Absolutely, my dear, but the ones I prescribe are holistic!" The blonde man with shaggy hair was attractive in his wrinkly apparel. I could see where Edward got his good looks and unfortunate sense of style.

"Dad! This isn't—" Edward tried to explain, but was cut off by his exuberant father.

Carlisle clapped his hands. "I can't wait to become a grandfather!"

Oh hell no!

"Mr. Cullen, I have a rash!" I yelled trying to get his attention.

Carlisle grabbed a note pad and a pen. "On your vagina? Would you consider the rash wart like on inspection? Oh, honey, we need to fix that before the baby—"

"She's not pregnant, Dad!" Edward started tugging on that mullet of his.

I added, "It's on my back!"

"Are you telling me that your girlfriend isn't pregnant and that she needs ointment on her back?" Carlisle asked. He pointed to my shirt. "Take that off, dear girl, and let's see the damage."

Slowly I removed my shirt with a hiss as it rubbed against my sore skin. Carlisle wiggled his eyebrows at his son in the most unprofessional away. He then instructed, "Turn around, Bella."

"Damn!" He exclaimed. "Bella, would you say that you have extreme allergies?"

"It appears to nature." I relaxed as Edward's father fingers rubbed the area. "We were having a picnic."

"Dad, that's my job!" Edward hissed.

Carlisle just kept rubbing. "Simmer down, son. This lovely lady needs some relief. Would you prefer your mother do this. She would enjoy it."

"Dad!" Edward pulled his dad away. He began to scratch me instead. "It was the wool blanket we were laying on."

"I gather Bella was shirtless." Carlisle rolled his chair over to a cabinet and pulled out a tube of cream.

"Of course, Dad, we were getting it on." Edward had the gall to smirk.

Carlisle grinned. "That's my boy! This is the finest mixture of herbs and natural pain remedies."

I was going to murder them both, but as Edward slathered the lilac smelling substance on my back I decided to give them both a reprieve. It felt wonderful.

"Next time, children, I suggest making sweet love in the grass and not on a blanket." Carlisle grabbed out a pamphlet titled, Making Love the Organic Way and handed it to me. "Esme can give you pointers before you leave."

It was official. I was in the twilight zone.

XXXXXX

It had been quiet for two whole days. Quiet was not having Edward following me around. Quiet was not hearing his voice as he attempted to seduce me or make me laugh. Quiet was having to bitterly think about James and my past.

I missed Edward Cullen. I even missed that horrible hair of his.

"You know that you could go over there, kiddo. I saw his car." Dad said interrupting my melancholy. We were sitting at the kitchen table. My father was scarfing down bacon and eggs. I was picking at a piece of toast. "You need to eat."

"I'm fine. I'll eat later." I started twisting my coffee cup around in my hands. "He just disappeared! Edward was all about trying to get in my pants until I got a nasty rash! I bet he met someone else! Someone who isn't allergic to wool and can have sex in the woods!"

My verbal vomit made my poor dad choke on his coffee.

He cough and hacked for several minutes and when he finally calmed down, Dad begged, "For the love of Jesus, never ever say anything like that again!"

"It just flew out of my mouth," I squeaked. "I just don't understand him!"

"I'm easy to understand, honey," Edward stated as he came into the kitchen. "Get dressed. Today you are coming to work with me."

He was dressed in a tight tee-shirt, ratty jeans, and a dirty baseball cap. I licked my lips at the sight. Then I realized I had no idea what his profession was. There was a possibility that I would be stuck in a big rig with him for days on end to deliver perishables of some sort. My traitorous brain couldn't help but imagine hot sex in the cab. I sucked down my hot coffee to distract myself with a burning tongue.

"I have to work," I fibbed. "I really need to get Jane ready—"

"You have off for the next two days. Jane gave me a heads up when I got back to town," Edward explained.

He left town? I wasn't even given a heads up.

Dad gave Edward a large smile. "You got those trees for the youth center?"

"I even got the flowers donated. It was a long trip, Charlie, but more than worth it. Having all of those donations will make the new playground look great." He pulled up a chair next to me and grabbed a piece of bacon. "Eat up, Bella girl. You'll need all your strength."

"What is going on?" I questioned. His knee touching mine was distracting. I was confused until I read Edward's shirt, Cullen Landscaping. "You're a landscaper?"

"You finally figured it out. I had to rush out of town to pick up the plants. I forgot my phone. I'm so sorry I didn't get to talk to you. I left messages for you," he exclaimed. I forgot to check my messages! He was beaming. "I can't wait to see you get all dirty."

"Boy, please stop!" My father looked ill at the thought.

I thought about the idea of having to spend the day outside and trying to work with living things. At a certain age, I had become obsessed with libraries instead of the woods. My house plants were destined to short lives due to my neglect. This would be awful.

I tried to let Edward down easy. "I have a black thumb. Why don't I see you later?"

He just leaned in closer. "I want to see your hands in that dirt and gently placing the plant into ground. It's the hottest thing. I've actually dreamed about it."

"Was I naked?" I whispered breathlessly as I stared into his face. My body was tingling like I was being shocked with electricity.

"I made you naked," he whispered back. His lips hovered on mine. I let out a sigh. Edward kissed me as I pushed my body to his.

A cup hit the ground and shattered. We looked up at my father who looked pale. "You two make me want to vomit."

I just shrugged. Maybe gardening wouldn't be so bad after all.