AN: Hey there.
Chapter 11
Tanya Denali was an interesting study of contradictions. She would rub mud all over her hair to feel the love from Mother Earth, then preen in whatever reflective surface she was near. This very minute she was staring in a pond and picking her nose. Her high voice filled the air. "Oh mighty bullfrog, you are a regal creature of Gaia. Come live with me in my tent. We shall discuss our roles as saviors of the green lands and—"
"Tanya, please stop talking to an amphibian!" Jane barked. She handed me the garbage bag that she used to collect litter from the park. We had promised to help Edward keep the park clean and today was perfect weather for it. The sky was bright and the heat of the day was only slightly oppressive. "I thank God that my woman is a good fuck."
"Janie, if I was religious I would say that you were being blasphemous. But I'm not. I am, however, a scholar of psychology. You are going insane over our sweet, hippy dippy."
I glanced to where Tanya was whispering sweet nothings to the large, slimy frog in her hands. She was like a little goldfinch who would swoop around happily. I was surprised that she hadn't gotten confused and flew into a window. A paper written about that silly bird brain would be very popular with the social sciences crowd.
I really did like her. Tanya provided countless hours of entertainment.
"Hippy dippy is so stupid that I kind of like it," Jane admitted. "I'm trying to get her to move into my house, but Tanya refuses to leave the soothing sounds of her woodland friends. Damn, she's hot."
Tanya refused to move back into her parents' house. It was her opinion that, as the owners of a gun store, they were Bambi killers. Instead, she placed a tent in Jane's backyard and ate a steady diet of granola bars and rain water. Jane let her without a complaint. It wasn't how Jane normally operated. She loved to put down all people who she thought were being idiotic. Tanya was sweet, but completely delusional.
Jane stared at her new lady and added, "She walks around the backyard naked."
The smile on Jane's face was huge. That one statement completely explained why Jane would let Tanya almost do whatever she wanted.
I would love to write a paper using Tanya and Jane's newly formed relationship. It would explore the concept of the attraction of opposites. How two individuals who are completely different in temperament and experiences can be pulled together like magnets in a romantic or sexual relationship. Could it be something in the mind that makes a person seek out differences? If I was to explore brain waves could I see a concrete answer to my question?
This study could explain the way I felt about Edward. I couldn't use us as test subjects. It would be highly unethical. Jane and Tanya were fair game.
The frog jumped out of Tanya's hand and back into the pond. She cried, "Don't leave me, my friend! I'll feed you the finest flies!"
She reached into the mucky water, as Jane screamed, "Tanya! No!"
Tanya fell face first into the pond.
We rushed over and Tanya pulled herself out of the water with a grin. Pond muck clung to the woman's hair making her look like a drowned rat. She started floating on her back. "Come on in, girls! The water's fantastic!"
A dragonfly landed on her nose.
"What the hell is happening here?" Edward came over from where he was weeding around the swing set. His shirt was off and there was a sheen of sweat covering his skin.
My fingers stroked the wetness. "Never wear a shirt, Edward."
"Focus, baby." He winked at me and I stopped touching him. He put my hand back. "Don't stop doing that though. I like your fingers. Now why is Tanya using the pond as a swimming pool?"
"Your ex-girlfriend is nutty," I explained. I thought that was the obvious answer.
Jane reached her hand toward the floating Tanya. "Come on out, sweets."
Instead of getting out, Tanya pulled Jane in. The water splashed all over us. Jane let out a scream. A lily pad sat on her head like a hat.
"Let's get naked!" Tanya sang and took off her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra.
A crowd started forming of fathers who should have been watching their children on the playground. Angry mothers were covering their children's eyes. The sounds filling the park now were irate grumblings and whispers of admiration that eclipsed the music of the birds singing from the treetops. There was going to be a Tanya beat down by the mother brigade at any moment.
Jane used her body to cover Tanya's, which led to kissing. That led to giddy fathers. A woman rushed over. She had one hand over a skinny, little boy's eyes, while the other hand was pulling him up to the pond. The knobby kneed child could barely keep up.
The woman scolded, "This is highly inappropriate behavior for a public area frequented by children."
I agreed with her fully. Tanya was highly inappropriate and needed to be locked up in a looney bin for a bit, because she wasn't quite ready for polite society yet.
"Ma'am, I can take care of this," Edward said in an attempt to soothe the woman and angry mob of motherhood that were surrounding her in support. He pulled out a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped his brow. "Tanya, you need to cover up and get on out of there."
Jane was attempting to pull Tanya's shirt back on. Tanya just giggled like a nut.
"Baby, please—" Jane pleaded.
"Nudity is natural! It is the most wondrous feeling in the world!" Tanya splashed in the water.
"You have got to be kidding me," A familiar voice said behind me. I turned to find my father staring at the scene before me. He was still chewing his toothpick.
"Thanks for coming so quickly, Chief Swan!" A different woman with crazy hair exclaimed. The auburn strands were sticking out in thick chunks. She was holding two toddler twin girls in her arms. They were caking that hair with tubes of strawberry yogurt. Her beauticians were two year-olds.
Small children were frightening creatures.
"Tanya, girl, you need to get clothes on and come on out. Janie will take you home," Dad instructed.
Tanya looked at him with her pretty, vapid smile. It turned to a grimace when her attention turned to the yogurt covered mama. Tanya, with her shirt only half on, pointed at the woman. "That yogurt isn't organic! You are feeding those babies poison!"
She started to rush at the woman, while Jane tried to hold her back. My dad wadded into the water and helped to pull Tanya out. They were all a soppy mess.
"I'm guessing this is one reason that your relationship with Tanya didn't work out," I stated to Edward.
He nodded and wrapped an arm around my waist, "A man can only take a certain amount of crazy and you provide the perfect amount."
I pinched his side. "You are my crazy equal."
"No doubt, baby. No doubt."
My dad and Jane had almost removed Tanya from the pond when she suddenly dived back in. When she burst back out of the water she waved the bullfrog in the air. "It's my best friend! Jane, my love, let's take him home! We shall name him Bella after our dear friend!"
She kissed Bella the frog on the mouth. I hope for Jane's sake that Tanya wasn't going to get any warts.
XXXXXX
"—on top of Edward and I never saw something so disturbing. Now I know why people watch nature documentaries. Real life sex can haunt your dreams. It's awesome!" Jane announced laughing.
Alice let out a snort.
What? I was occasionally listening in to Jane talking to Alice. We were all sitting at the counter at the bar and it was two weeks after Tanya's disturbing the peace in the park. As a way to make amends, Tanya was now giving presentations to the students of the elementary school about recycling. The whole speech was written down for her on index cards and she had my dad hovering near the stage as her chaperone.
The topic of their conversation was originally about Tanya sneaking a bunny into the school, but once I started working on the new website for the bar I had tuned my friends out. The new topic was not amusing.
"Are you two discussing my private intimate moments with Edward?" I asked haughtily. "How do you know what I do with Edward? He promised that no one would see that video—"
Alice dropped her Coke and fumbled to catch the glass. The caramel colored liquid splashed all over her. "What video?"
It was in a moment of impracticality on our parts. Hard liquor, Edward seducing me with my favorite Indigo Girls CD, and a video camera that I found in a drawer all led to sexual hijinks filmed for later enjoyment. I wish I could say it was his idea, but it was all mine. Including those peacock feathers.
"You're his sister, Alice! You shouldn't be thinking about your brother that way at all! I'm ashamed of you too, Jane! Some things shouldn't be mocked! My lovemaking with Edward is sacred!" I reprimanded them.
"We were talking about the bullfrogs, Bella. Tanya made me catch one for Bella Frog to marry." Jane placed a beer in front of me. "You might need this. It's name is Edward."
"You must be joking."
Alice giggled loudly and shouted, "Edward's the girl!"
"What?" I was looking at them like they were crazy.
"Edward Frog laid the eggs in the kiddie pool Tanya had me buy." Jane gave me a wink. "Bella Frog is a stud."
I drank my beer quickly. My frog namesake was knocking up all the girl frogs. Only in Forks.
"Bella, I think Tanya naming the frogs after you is a tribute. She really likes you." Jane patted my hand. "She shows it in really odd ways."
It was nice in a mentally unstable way. I should bring her some organic, green tea or something. Maybe some gluten-free, wheat pasta and sauce would be nice?
Alice held up her arm to show me a woven bracelet made out of twine. On it was some strange looking beads that were various shades from a milky white to brownish yellow. They seemed so very familiar. I glanced at my reflection in the pint glass in front of me. My mouth was open slightly and inside there were my—
"Oh my God! Those are teeth on that bracelet!"
Alice shrieked and tired to rip it off. "Get it off! Get it off!"
"Simmer down, Al! Dead things don't need them anymore," Jane pointed out.
"I thought she was a vegetarian?" I was certain that I heard a story about her protesting a meat packing plant.
"She is. Tanya stole them from her dad. He has a collection from his kills when he goes hunting. She decided to make them into jewelry to honor them and mourn their murders," Jane explained.
"Gross! It won't come off! It just gets tighter!" Alice was trying to break it off with a spoon. "Come on, Janie! Where are your scissors?"
"At least they aren't human," I stated in an attempt to calm her.
Alice shrieked, "How can you be sure?"
"What isn't human?" Edward came up to us. He held a pile of mail in his arms. Placing them in front of me, Edward kissed me. "Your dad dropped off your mail. He told me that you need it right away."
I looked up at my handsome man and I didn't notice the change at first. He had just showered and smelled like that body wash that has the stupid commercials with woman flocking skinny men with no muscle mass. Edward's clothes were his normal uniform of fitted tees and jeans. It was his hair that looked different.
"You cut it! Thank heaven! We are free of the mullet!" I cried in happiness. I covered his face in kisses.
"Baby, hold on a minute. I'm just trying it out." He pulled me away from attacking him with my mouth. He turned around and I found the saddest, little ponytail held together by a piece of rawhide.
"How Last of the Mohicans of you," I said, as I pulled the strands.
Edward loved the movie Last of the Mohicans. It didn't matter what part of the movie was on when he would catch it while flipping channels on the TV, he would watch it until the end. This included the ending credits. I would catch him mouthing the dialogue and humming with the score.
"Did Daniel Day Lewis lend you his woodland hair scrunchie?" I teased.
"You know you think it's sexy, baby." Edward nibbled my ear.
Jane started laughing. She poured Edward a beer. "You going to protect us from the British troops?"
"Is that the Indian movie? Alice questioned. She started using a dinner knife to saw off the bracelet.
"Native American," I corrected her. Alice answered by sticking out her tongue. I hoped she had to wear her teeth jewelry for another week out of spite.
"Check your mail!" Edward pushed the pile closer to me. He looked excited. "There are some important letters in there!"
I grabbed a slim envelope from John's Hopkins. It wasn't a packet. None of the letters were.
He continued, "I was thinking how easy it would be to move my landscaping business. Every place has gardens and yards. I would love to experience a new location with you, baby."
"We should look at these back at the house." They all continued a single, folded sheet of paper. You could tell by the weight.
"Come on, Bella! Let us enjoy seeing the first step of your journey toward me mocking your crazy amounts of degrees." Jane watched me hold the first letter nervously.
"I guess—" There was always still the possibility there would be one acceptance.
I opened the first. John's Hopkins was a no.
The paperwork was instantly shredded.
Yale was a no way.
I ripped that up too.
Stanford? Forget about it.
More ripping.
University of Pennsylvania didn't want me.
The ripping was more violent.
Finally, University of Washington mocked me with a nada.
I had quite a pile of paperwork that was made into hamster cage lining.
"That's all, folks," I announced quietly. "I didn't really want to do it anyway."
I actually didn't. It was the truth. Edward made me see new options for my future.
"I'm so sorry, Bella love." Edward wrapped himself around me and kissed my head. "I'll help you reapply to other places. I can expertly lick stamps."
"It's fine." I looked at the pile a paper pieces.
It was the failing that got to me. I hated failing. I failed my marriage. I failed getting into a doctorate program. What if I failed Edward?
I started guzzling Edward's beer. I hit the bar with the empty beer. "More, Jane!"
It was going to be a long and drunken night.