AN: Hi. How ya doin'?

Enjoy.

Chapter 14

The bar was covered in hairstyle magazines. I would have never guessed that there were so many ways to style a man's hair, but the truth was right in front of my face. It was going to take me ages to pick the best one. Unfortunately, I promised Edward I would do the deed swiftly and mercifully tonight.

"You might take away his power, Bella," Angela pointed out. She peered over my shoulder and looked at the magazine in front of me. "You will the Delilah to his Sampson."

I didn't bother to turn around to address her concern. "Don't you have some beers to serve to the morning drunks?"

Angela giggled and sat next to me. "Garrett is here to eat breakfast and harass me. I think he wants to sneak out to his truck with me, but that is so unprofessional!"

"Jane does it all the time with Tanya. I think your waitressing job is safe." I held out a picture of George Clooney. "This is too short. I like Edward's crazy on the top, but the back needs some snips."

"Will you miss it?" Angela asked wistfully. "His hair?"

"No. I'll still have the same Edward that I love underneath. Only the difference is that his evil hair won't be choking me at night. Will you miss not going into that doctorate program?"

Angela had admitted that she turned down the doctorate program she had gotten into. She was happy in Forks and with Garrett. It seemed her new life goal was to own an organic farm with her man and write books about the benefit of worms. I would have to buy Jacob a copy for Christmas and a bag of those wiggly little guys as an added bonus. I wonder how loud he would scream.

"I'm so happy here like you are. Garrett and I put an offer on the old Powers Farm. Keep you fingers crossed for us!" Angela did a happy clap, as Garrett wandered over.

"Hallo there, Miss Swan! Can I steal my lady?" Garrett wiggled his eyebrows at Angela. "Girl, I'm awful lonely."

She wrapped her arms around his waist. "Do you have an itch that needs to be scratched?"

"Oh girl, I need your nails down my back." He nibbled her neck and she giggled like a school girl.

"Get a room," I directed. I had no time for their kinky foolery. Edward was getting his head mop cut by the new scissors I bought and there was no time to waste.

Garrett rolled his eyes. "Princess, you and Ed are worse."

He had a very good and accurate point.

Before I could pretend to be offended, Jane stormed in and threw piles of assorted papers, binders, and a shoe box in front of me. I started trying to make sense of the documents before me that were a mess of craziness. "That stupid motherfucker, fake Italian, shit head from hell needs to me stuff a huge bottle of Stoli in his ass until he screams like the little, ugly baby he is!Garrett, I'm going to kill your boss!"

"Aro is my ex-boss, Janie," Garrett pointed out lazily. "What did the Italian pony do this time?"

I looked up from the mess of new receipts that Jane just shoved in my hands. "An Italian pony?"

"He sure ain't an Italian stallion, but he acts like he's the king. Be glad you never met him," Garrett explained.

Jane started rubbing her temple. "King Aro called and explained that he is going to make my life miserable. Bella, please make sure we are on stable financial footing adding these into the accounts. He's going to ruin us!"

"I have no clue how he will do that, Jane. I have made sure all your accounts are paid up and we are making a profit now. However, please be more prompt when giving me new receipts so I can enter them in the system immediately."

"Bella, Aro bought the building across the street! He's opening a bar!" Jane started shaking my shoulders. "That asshole is going to put me out of business!"

"I was wondering what all those truck were doing over there. Tyler thought it was going to be a new cheese shop. I guess that would be a little much for Forks. It was probably wishful thinking on Ty's part." I gently took Jane's hands off my shoulders before she accidentally strangled me. "Isn't it a bit much for him to try and destroy your business because you don't want to use him as your liquor distributor anymore?"

Jane lowered her head onto the bar. "It's because I wouldn't date him in high school. If I hadn't been a lesbian before, a date with that skeleton looking dweeb would have me running to the ladies."

"All of this because some guy had his feelings hurt?" Angela shook her head sadly. "That man should speak to my therapist. Holding a grudge this long is bad for his mental health."

"Baby, I worked for that dude and his crazy brothers. I can assure you that they were born that way," Garrett explained. He placed his head on her shoulder.

My friend was always trying to fix things for others. Usually it was stray dogs or sad children, but we can now add delusional nerds to the mix. She thoughtfully said, "Oh no! A genetic component! Maybe he needs something to stabilize his moods."

"Damn it, Weber! Don't try to fix him!" Jane exclaimed loudly. "The man is going to ruin me!"

I needed to stop her worrying. "Jane, you have reliable clientele that will always choose you!"

"It's going to be Hooters knock-off." Jane looked like she wanted to cry. "Even I would want to go there!"

"Me too! Are they going to offer coupons?" Alec called from the kitchen.

"Fuck off, Alec!" Jane roared.

I pondered what Volturi would name his venture. Twin Peaks was out. There was one of those already. It would have to be related to breasts. I'm sure highly offensive was also part of the criteria.

"What are they naming it?" Garrett asked the question I was thinking about.

"Fun Bags," my boyfriend announced as he entered. Tanya was stomping behind him with an irate expression on her face. He jogged up to me and greeted me with a kiss. I watched as Edward looked at my magazines. "Bella, baby, I see you're in research mode."

I gave him a wink. "What are your thoughts on purple mohawks?"

"Behave yourself, woman," he answered, tickling my side.

Jane came around the bar to the fuming Tanya. "What's the problem, Tan?"

"That weird ghost offered me a job! He told me I had the perfect pillows for the bar!" Tanya's voice squeaked.

"Marcus wants my foot in his ass!" Jane roared.

Edward stopped Jane from rushing out to kill some guy named Marcus. "We'll come up with a plan, Jane! Free beers on Thursdays?"

"Bella, please tell me that you're only with this guy because he's cute," Jane said to me. She then threw a dish towel at Edward's head. "Cullen, I'm trying to make money! You move your mouth, but only stupid is coming out!"

"I'm going to ignore that, because I know you are quite upset right now." Edward patted her shoulder. "How about we rally our neighbors? Everybody in this town has a story in this bar. We just need to remind them of the good memories and how much they love it here. Also, some free snacks would help. That would get Jessica back in here and she'll be too busy stuffing her face to start a fight."

Garrett nodded his head. "Free snacks are always a winner. Aro is too damn cheap to do that."

"What is it with all of you and free stuff! What next? Do you think we need a breakfast buffet?" Jane asked. She looked at us in annoyance, as Tanya began to stroke her hair and coo words of comfort.

"Wouldn't hurt," Garrett answered. Edward was nodding his head in agreement. Those two men could eat.

All of a sudden, an air of calm filled me. If I could handle James and not getting into any doctorate programs, I could also handle saving Jane's bar. I mean, really, I talked Edward into cutting that awful mullet. That was a miracle. I was a strong woman. I was invincible!

I piled up Jane's paperwork calmly. "Jane, we will figure this out or make Mr. Volturi's life in this town so miserable that he will want to leave. Let's not stress yet."

That calm was instantly shattered when young Alice came running into the bar in a panic. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say anything!"

"What did you do?" I said standing slowly. That girl looked really guilty.

"Jasper and I were having some wine coolers on his couch and he was nibbling my neck," Alice began to explain. Edward looked nauseous. "That mullet of his was going up my nose and it kept making me sneeze. It was a romance killer!"

I understood her feelings completely. I nodded my head in agreement. "Continue."

"I told him to cut it like you're going to do, Edward." She looked at her feet.

"Damn it, Alice!" Edward yelled. "It would be easier for him to see it! The idea is worse than the actual cut."

"It gets a lot worse." She started to wring her hands. "He told Emmett."

Edward's hands tightened on the back of the chair. "Alice! Emmett is crazy!"

"I know! Rosie made them signs, Edward."

"Signs?" I asked in confusion.

She whimpered. "They are protesting your mullet hate, Bella. It was Rosie's idea, because you almost pierced their kid's brain."

"Their kid is fine!" I exclaimed. That's when loud singing was heard outside.

Jane groaned. "Let's stop Emmett, gang."

We filed out of the bar to find a group of mullet men with billboards demanding mullet justice. Their leader was that sweaty mullet wearing mountain man, Emmett. I wanted to use a taser to take down that beast. They had some hard rock band playing on an old boom box as they rocked out and took off their shirts to wipe the sheen off their bodies. It was like a really bad MTV video from the eighties. Jasper poured a water bottle over his head and shook his wet mullet all over us like he was a dog.

Alice looked at him like she was ready to hump his leg. "Isn't he so hot?"

"No! Chill out, Alice! You opened your big mouth and now I have the mullet brigade after me! They made signs with me on them!" At least I thought they were me. It was basically stick figures with lines indicating long hair and circles that I was certain were meant to be my breasts. Underneath, in chicken scratch that was meant to be words, was written Mullet Hater.

"Emmett, cut this out!" Edward demanded. He tried to pull the sign out of Emmett's hands. "I want a haircut!"

"Now you don't, you pussy! You finally get laid and it made you lose your damn mind, man!" The fat guy chortled and pointed to me. "That she bitch made you a chick."

Edward turned bright red and went after Emmett's body. "Don't you ever call my girl—"

Rosalie jumped on his back. "Don't you hurt my love muffin!"

That was it! These people were insane. I remembered that Jane had a pair of scissors in the bar for deliveries, so as all sorts of madness was happening between my boyfriend and Emmett's wife, I ran in to get them. The big pair of scissors with the black handle beckoned me to them. There was a glow coming off the steel of the blade that made it look like my Excalibur.

I took it back to the mayhem. Edward was going around in circles trying to get that leech Rosalie off his back. Emmett was laughing and clutching his stomach. All the others were betting on the outcome. I was not impressed to see Jane exchanging money with Jacob.

Emmett was in a position of weakness. I strolled over and used my fingers to press a point on his neck. He fell over with a crash. I straddled his body and left my finger on his neck to keep him down. The scissors were put on his mullet. "Get off of Edward, Rosalie McCarty, or the mullet gets snipped."

"Don't you dare!" She roared.

"How the hell are you keeping me down, little girl?" Emmett asked. He sounded truly curious.

"I read a lot," I explained and turned my glare at Rosalie. "How much do you like the extra bit of hair?"

There was an odd look in her eyes and she answered quietly, "Cut it."

"Pardon?"

"Rosie!" Emmett started to cry.

She lowered herself off Edward. "It leaves sweat stains on my good couch! I found it in my mouth last night! It looks like a dead animal! I never truly realized my hate for it until I saw your scissors! Save me, Bella!"

I rolled off Emmett. "I think you need to have a talk with Emmett, Rosalie. I will offer my haircutting services here tonight starting at seven. Jane will be serving wine for the ladies and beer for the men at a discounted prices. There will be a cover charge for cutting services. This will be the first of the bar's Ladies and Men Bonding Nights. A new theme every week. Tonight is Mullet Freedom."

I was brilliant!

The men did not look impressed, but the ladies were joyous.

"There is no way I'm doing that!" An old guy with a crewcut and mullet combo screamed.

"Jimmy, you can cook your own fish tonight!" A similarly crewcut wearing woman sneered at him. "I'm drinking at Jane's!"

A chorus of women joined in on the sentiment. The men angrily disagreed with the exception of Edward and Garrett.

I looked across the street to see a weird looking, skinny man stroking his hands. His oily, black hair hung to his shoulders and his skin was white like it was covered with kabuki make-up. I realized it was badly applied sunscreen. He wore an old Star Wars tee-shirt with black suit pants. It was Aro Volturi and he was an odd duck.

His high pitched laugh filled the air. It was like a crazed chipmunk tittering.

The War of the Sexes has begun in Forks. God help us all.