MISPER

His Name

Mikan got used to the silence. And the darkness. She sometimes turned on the flashlight, but only to see the food she was eating. It has been quite a long time since Persona put her into a box. She quickly realized it was under the ground Kami-sama knew where.

At first, she had another panic attack – because being buried under the ground and only seeing the sky when Persona came asking about her health every now and then would make anyone go crazy. Nevertheless, she soon calmed down, breathed in and out, and accepted her faith. Here and there, she suddenly cried, but she knew she had to let it out if only to release stress.

Now she was calm.

''I seriously need a manicure.'' She muttered. ''My nails look like they're about to die.'' She observed her nails in the dark, not seeing them at all. ''What do you think, little one? Should I wear red or blue? Mum always wanted me to behave more girly, so she would want me to wear red. But I like blue… Hm… I don't know…''

She often talked to herself. It made her feel better. There were a few psychology classes back in college where they had told them that a human being needed spoken conversation, or any kind of conversation to stay sane. It is in our nature to be social and not communicating is not natural for us. That is why, even if it is just talking to oneself, everyone needs it.

Mikan did not know if she was doing it the right way or if she simply became crazy but she talked to herself about everyday matters that were not important. It made her feel better. And if she was going to die in here, then at least she would allow herself to do something that might help her.

''Maybe I should also do something with my toes…'' she caressed her stomach. ''You know… I went shopping for you last month. Not much of course, you know me.'' She smiled sadly. ''I bought you these cute little bootees that made me almost melt. It's a combination of red and blue, you know, blue with thick red edges and a flower in the middle. It's really beautiful. I also found matching clothes for you. You'd look so nice. I'd cuddle you until you'd smile and giggle, and then we'd go to bed, and I'd watch over you while you sleep.'' She took a shaky breath, trying hard not to cry.

''I wish I'd see you wearing that one day.'' She whispered and let the tears fall, giving way to the sadness and sorrow. She was sure she would die here. She was sure she would disappear from the world without ever seeing her child. She loved him so much. He was a part of her and she loved him.

While wiping her tears, she started talking again. ''You know… I never thought about how to name you. I always thought that I'll be able to come up with a great name after giving birth to you.'' She sniffed. ''It should be a cool boyish name. Koko and Hotaru always bickered about who's going to name you and who's going to be your godparent. I guess we won't know now…'' she was silent for some time, staring in front of herself into the darkness.

She smiled suddenly, closing her eyes.

''I know what your name will be.'' She giggled.

''There was this boy… When I was in primary school, I knew a younger boy with strange silver hair – I have no idea how he got them; he claimed they were his natural colour.'' She smiled gently at the memory. ''He was a sweet boy, a little mean, but…'' she scratched her nose.

''He was two years younger, but I still had a crush on him. We had these Christmas dances in school, you know, for children, and all classes were mixed together. Moreover, everyone was too shy to dance together; the girls did a little, and the boys danced among themselves… I came a little late because mum couldn't bring me on time; she had worked late; and I felt a little awkward to mingle among my friends who were already in the partying mood. Then came Youichi.'' Mikan smiled to herself, the memory making her feel happy. ''Youichi walked up to me, the ten year old that he was, and invited me for a dance.'' She giggled. ''He was a head shorter than I and we most probably looked like idiots, but I had a lot of fun. We danced together the whole evening until it was time to go home. He was watching me go home with my mum and I know he was on the verge of crying. He wanted to stay longer. He was such a sweat boy...'' She hummed the melody they danced to and chuckled.

''I was really in love with him, you know. We were a couple later in high school. Didn't tell anyone, because they all turned their noses up if hearing about an older girl and a younger boy being together. And…'' she lost herself in memories.

''I was in my last year and he in his second when we spent our first night together. He was my first, you know. It was fun and funny and because of him, I enjoyed it very much…'' she sniffed again. ''Then he… A car hit him one day, when he was on his way with his bicycle to visit me…'' she remembered how she screamed as she saw him on the ground, bleeding, his eyes open, blankly staring at the sky, not seeing anything. She tried to help him, stop the bleeding, and people helped her, but Youichi was long gone. He did not have a chance.

She let the tears fall down her cheeks as the memories overflew her mind.

His gentle hands and his soft voice stayed in her mind forever, and the memory of his smile always warmed up her heart and made her feel better. Youichi would always stay a part of her; and she would remember him forever by the name of her child.

Youichi.