4. The Search
-x-
"We request your help, Kudo Shinichi..."
"Ran-oneesan, where's Conan-kun?"
"No conclusions can be drawn. But I refuse to believe that this is suicide..."
"...are Hondo Eisuke and Mizunashi Rena..."
"...they are like this, apparently. Bombs and more bombs..."
"I'm sure she had mentioned what we do to traitors..."
-x-
Shinichi's eyes shot open, and he sighed. It was like this every time for the past couple of days, whenever he sat down to clear his mind. Scenes and snapshots of what had happened in the weeks before crept into his mind – the confusion and the horror. The horror at the end, especially, where he had to snap himself out of it each time.
He took in a deep breath, clenched his fists and slowly relaxed them, and let his gaze trail toward the calm, glistening sea surface. Rarely had he seen such still water in the ocean. He could barely notice the waves coming in. Maybe it was nature's way of symbolizing the final arrival of peace. So strange, so ironic, so unwanted. It was quiet by the beach, too. No one else was present, save the seagulls, he himself and the three of them that he'd brought along.
Following the sounds of splashing water, he looked toward the three children. Ayumi and Mitsuhiko poured buckets of water over Genta. Genta cried out indignantly and dived after Mitsuhiko, who tripped and landed face-down in the sand and the water. Ayumi laughed. Anyone passing by would've been amused and delighted by these carefree acts of the three seven-year-olds. The teenage detective watched and tried to smile, but he couldn't. Beneath those joyful faces, he could see emptiness that might never be filled again. Was it his fault? He didn't know.
Then, quite unconsciously, he pictured what it would be like if he and she were there. If she were here. They'd be standing a little off to the side, so as to not get involved in the water wrestling, perhaps. They'd be discussing, arguing, bickering – whichever pleased them – about... oh... how many grains of sand were there on this beach? How many stars could they see at night from this beach? Things like that.
Except she wasn't here.
He looked away from the three and toward the setting sun. The burning sky, the redness... such a sad color.
The rumbling of a car engine and the ceasing of it disturbed the peaceful state of the beach. A car door opened, closed, and shoes clicked across the pavement. Then he heard the crunching of sands. He might not have yearned for the previous exaggerated feeling of peace, but he didn't want to listen to the ramblings of another girl either. Maybe he should jump up, run across the warm sand, leap into the salty water, and swim across the calm ocean. To escape. And arrive at some other beach, where...
A gentle hand touched his right shoulder. "Shinichi." The voice came soft but firm, just as what he would describe as the loving motherly tone. "You shouldn't have left the hospital in this condition. You're not fully recovered."
No thanks to you, Shinichi snorted in his mind and rubbed the back of his neck and head. With one of her karate championship moves, she'd kicked and knocked him out before he could rush into the flaming building. Before the final series of explosions. Before so many things...
Ran continued with her scolding to which he paid no more attention since he caught sight of the professor jogging over the sands to join the three children. "The professor is in good spirits," he muttered to no one in particular.
"Ah?" Ran glanced over her shoulder. "Oh. Yes." She smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "You should be, too," she added as a harmless remark.
He looked away.
"Shinichiii," she dragged out his name. Receiving no response, she sighed. "Look," she said in a low voice. "You've got to stop acting like a spoiled child."
Shinichi frowned. "What's this anything to do with being a spoiled child?" he asked grudgingly. "She's not a thing, and can't be disregarded or forgotten after having lost her."
"You know that's not what I meant," Ran retorted. Rolling her eyes out of frustration, she heaved a sigh. "Shinichi. Listen. I don't want to sound... It's just... I... Look. We all heard what he said. The man with the long blond hair. Gin. I think that's what you called him. Ai-chan is – not here anymore."
Shinichi exploded. "You don't know anything about the Organization! Well, you're not supposed to!"
"No, and I don't!" Ran shouted back. "Eisuke-kun and James-san filled me in with some information, and the rest needs to come from you!"
"Me!" The detective shot an angry glance at the car parked on the pavement, hoping that his death glare would kill some FBI person – whoever – in the car. But he turned around even more annoyed; the dark windows were not wheeled down.
"Yes, you!" Ran crossed her arms. "Like how Conan-kun comes into play with everything! And everything else!"
"I thought you said we'd talk about those after we've found her?"
"I know..." Ran said, eyes tightly shut and voice wavering. "But... she's..." She opened her eyes and looked at her childhood love with tears swirling. "She's dead," she whispered. "I'm sorry."
"She is not dead!" Shinichi yelled. The seagulls flew up into the sky. And silence befell. He was glaring at Ran, who had jumped at the outburst and was now absolutely stunned; his face was probably red from the blood rushing to his head. From the corners of his eyes, he could see that the professor had frozen on the spot and the three of them had ceased all movements. Their eyes were either downcast and blank, or directed toward him and blank. The beach ball sat cuddled in Ayumi's arms.
After five long minutes, Ran shook her head slowly and buried her face in her hands. Shinichi turned away with a hmph and swallowed, shoulders tight. The seawater continued its gentle and miniscule advance and retreat along the shore. Shinichi wondered if the people in the car were listening to them.
They sat in silence for several minutes before Ran ran her hand through her hair and sighed. She looked down again and examined her fingers. "Do you love her?" she asked all of the sudden.
Shinichi's eyes widened. In truth, he had never thought of anything that way. He'd been berating himself for not being able to protect her, for breaking a promise, for his failure. No, I don't, he wanted to tell Ran. But he couldn't bring himself to say that, for the mere suggestion that he might love her had left him speechless. One eyebrow went up, and he felt like laughing. Everything was so numb. And dumb.
"Do you love her?" Ran repeated.
Surely, if he did, he would've known. The other eyebrow went up and joined the one before. He wasn't as clueless as people believed him to be. Before all of this Organization mess, he liked Ran, and he knew he did. He just didn't want to tell her yet and was still guessing how she felt. With Ai, something was different. And he was sure it had nothing to do with romantic feelings. It was more like a sense of duty. You know, what was it that Hattori said? His little follower? More like his criticizer, but whatever. He was rambling.
"I guess you do," Ran remarked, soft and sad, and looked at the white sand.
He looked at her for a moment with curiosity before turning away again. It's so weird, he thought, whatever "it" was. Huh. He shrugged and looked at the setting sun. Such a sad color. Their favorite color. All three of them.
But she wasn't here.
"Back at the hospital," Shinichi said suddenly, breaking the long and heavy silence. Surprised, Ran looked up. She had been planning to get up and leave, thinking that all was over. He wasn't looking at her, but he knew that although she hadn't cried, the tears had been blurring her vision for the past... however long it was. "Back at the hospital," he said again. "You asked, 'Have you actually looked for her?'" He paused and shrugged. "Have I actually looked for her? I don't know. It wasn't that I didn't care, Ran. I thought, well, sometimes people never find what they want when they search too hard, and when they put it aside to do something else, it turns up... Or maybe I didn't care. I didn't care." He stood up and brushed off the sand on his pants. "If I'd looked for her instead of running off to close a case – and failing... If I'd looked for her instead of spending so much time and energy bringing down the Organization that I hate so much... If I'd... Why?"
He shook his head and walked slowly to the car. He tapped on the window, and when it wheeled down, he saw Jodie looking at him and Akai sitting at the wheel. "Jodie-sensei," Shinichi said in low and dejected voice. Jodie opened her mouth to say something but shut them after some hesitation and glanced at Akai, who remained motionless and emotionless.
"Yes?" She squeezed out a smile.
"I don't have a photo, but... isn't there a squad or whatever you call them, in the FBI, that finds missing people?"
Jodie looked down. "Yes."
"Can you... Argh!" He turned away and stomped off, angry at himself. He didn't save her sister, but he was going to save her. He was going to do something for once. He was going to find her. He would be the person to find her. Even if he had to visit every single beach in the world and still risk the chance of her being one step ahead of him. Even if all that he could find was – no, no. He shook his head violently. She was alive, she was alive.
She's alive. But she's not here.