A/N:

A quick update, because after the last chapter this was a breeze to write.

To celebrate reaching 500+ views on AO3, there's an illustration in this chap too! Apologies that it is sketchy/non colored (but I'm just happy I managed to draw a human so..)

i imgur com SLASH LOJnKE0 jpg

(p.s. put dots in spaces and slash where it says)

(p.p.s. If you want to see the pic and can't get that link to work, PM me and I'll send you a link!)

I do hope you enjoy this chapter. Things are moving along, we've reached (almost) rock bottom - there's nowhere to go now but up!

Find me as itsdetachable on tumblr , all story things are tagged "a little unsteady fic"

Days were difficult to discern. In the mind fog that followed that fateful night, everything seemed either magnified or oddly distant, close yet separate, as if he were existing on a plane that only happened to intersect with this world, but didn't coalesce with it. Within the oddity of his perceptions and the crippling fear-shadowed longing for the Force, Kylo found himself returning to old, bad habits. Seated on the floor of the shower one night, he picked pieces of glass off of the back of his hand and tried to find a way to get his mind on track again.

He no longer had a mirror. Well, he didn't need one anyway, did he? He picked at his skin slowly, groping near-blindly in the half-light that reached him through the doorway (he no longer had a light in the refresher, either). The biggest pieces of glass he could remove easily, but there was a multitude of tiny shards scattered like diamonds across his skin that would be more difficult to remove. Tiny rivulets of blood wound between them, welling up from near-invisible cuts, and his fingers kept slipping among the wet, sticky mess. The pain had been nice, at the moment his fist met the glass, and right after. It had felt very real, he'd felt very alive and it was so, so welcome… but now it had diminished to a sharp itch, an inconvenience, easily slipping away from his notice and becoming just another dull, monotonous note in the back of his mind.

He couldn't really focus on anything other than bitter regret. He was angry with himself more than anyone else, but also so very angry at everyone else. Even the anger, however, felt dulled, more like an afterthought curdling the dregs of his mind. It was regret, and fear, that dominated his thoughts - regret of a multitude of things (he could remember every moment he'd made a mistake in his life, no matter how small, every second becoming glaring and obvious in hindsight) and the fear…

He rose and rinsed his hand under cold water. Tiny shards of glass glittered in the half-light as they washed down the drain. No doubt some had been left in the wounds, but he had neither the tools nor the will to work them out - if he could use the Force he could've gotten them out without tools - and lacking bandages he wrapped his hand in a spare towel and went back to bed. He left the lights on.

"You haven't been leaving your room" Luke said.

Kylo didn't respond.

Luke wasn't the first person who'd come to his door, but he was the first person Kylo had let in. Mostly because there was little he could prevent Luke from entering (but also because the isolation was beginning to make him uncomfortable, spite was no longer a good reason to leave himself alone, at the mercy of his own mind for hours upon hours upon…)

Kylo didn't respond, and they sat in silence for a long moment before Luke spoke again,

"How would you like me to call you, when we talk?"

"I'd like it if we didn't talk," Kylo responded shortly. Luke's question surprised him, however. Where it came from, he couldn't be sure. It almost felt personal, it almost felt sympathetic, and that in itself made it uncomfortable. Kylo would almost have liked it better if the question hadn't been asked, was almost leery of sharing that bit of information when asked for it so plainly. Luke kept his gaze on him however, waiting, and after a moment Kylo acceded, "Kylo."

Luke nodded in affirmation. He felt as distant as always, Kylo thought, and even though Kylo could reach out a tiny bit with his senses, read others (he knew the limits, at this point) he refrained from doing so with Luke. He knew what he'd find.

"I will do so," Luke said softly. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Kylo picked at the bandages on his hand. Luke had brought them with him, handed them over without a word, waited for Kylo to see to his hand before starting any attempt at conversation.

'I can understand you are anx-," Luke began, but a sharp noise interrupted him - suddenly loud and grating, causing Kylo to jerk reflexively even as it faded away as quickly as it had arrived, leaving them in silence.

"That is only a transporter-"

"I know what it is!" Kylo snapped, skin crawling with shudders. Transporters left across the base towards the city daily, roughly two hours past noon, he'd been mentally noting their movements. Irritated by his reaction to such a predictable, daily event, he shot a glare at Luke, demanding, "Are you done here?"

"If you'd rather be left alone…" Luke let the sentence trail off. Kylo resisted the urge to scream, his mind revolving yes-no-yes-no-yes-noyesno-

"The weather is nice these days," Luke said finally, with what sounded like a sigh,"You should consider coming out instead of spending your days cooped up in this room."

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Luke gave him a blank look.

"Don't act as if it weren't easier on you all if I stay here," Kylo spat, "Out of mind, out of sight, practically non-existant… and don't bother with that fake sympathy."

"You think it's fake?" Luke asked, visibly surprised. That was new. Kylo merely continued to glare at him, then turned pointedly to face the draped window. Luke was silent, maybe expecting an answer, but when none came he stood, and left.

He crept out at night when everyone was asleep. The moon was a thin sliver, and in the dark vastness above the stars flickered and shone brightly. The air was cool but welcoming, fresh, and after days spent in his room, stagnating, Kylo almost felt rejuvenated as he breathed it in. Silence surrounded him, the compound was dead at night, and it suited him well. He didn't need company, he needed peace, and he found it for a moment as he gazed up at the pinpricks of light above him.

For what it was worth, Kylo had enjoyed being in space. There was something to be said about the vastness of it, the dark of it speckled with multitudes of stars and planets. Everything seemed to find a place, out there beyond the reaches of mortal manipulation. Everything seemed to work just right. The sheer magnitude of the galaxy was something glorious indeed, and being surrounded by it daily had been something he'd seen as a blessing. The Force was different out there as well, it seemed. More difficult to grasp at, to feel out, but at the same time much more real and organic. It had been good, that feeling that came when he had tamed it, as minor as it was.

The sound of footsteps reached him, breaking into his peaceful retreat, and for a split second he reached out with his senses to read who it was - then stopped himself, tensing warily. The manacles didn't react, he'd caught himself in time.

"Was this really necessary?" He said instead, recognizing the soft tread that neared him.

"I'm not here to keep an eye on you," Rey responded. She came to stand a bit to the side and slightly behind him, "I came to see if you're all right."

He half turned then, eyeing her suspiciously out of the corner of his eye.

"You haven't left your room in days," Rey continued. "Leia and Han are worried about you."

"It's a little late for worry…" he responded bitterly. Where was that worry when he actually needed it? When it actually would've done any good? His memories were dark, and he pushed them away before they could fully form. A feeling reached him, an urge that wasn't his own - he turned his head further towards Rey.

"You want to ask me something?" Kylo asked; he allowed himself to reach out his senses, just a tad, just to get a grasp on the situation. The panic danced tentatively on the edges of his mind but he managed to fight against it.

"I suppose..." Rey began, eyeing him curiously for a moment before continuing, "I suppose… I wanted to ask about...about those…"

She nodded her head in the vague direction of his arms. Her avoidance of using the word was slightly surprising to him, and encouraging n a way. It didn't feel cautious either, rather considerate, and though he was loathe to be on the receiving end of pity most days he was too tired right then to be contrary. Did she really need to know anything, however? Did she, didn't she… he didn't have the energy to debate that with himself. Wearily, he pulled up one of his sleeves to reveal the manacle on it and held it up for her to see.

"These?"

"Yes," Rey's gaze focused on the manacle, then turned to him, "What do they do? I mean, how do they work?"

"You don't know?" Kylo was surprised by that. He'd just assumed that she would've known, and it hadn't occurred to him that she had no idea how they functioned.

"Do they...cut you off from the Force somehow?" Rey asked haltingly.

"They really didn't tell you?" Kylo said hollowly.

"No," Rey answered, and he could feel she was irritated - but not with him. For a moment she looked away, seeming to think something over, and when she looked back at him it was with a decided look in her eyes, "Would you tell me?"

Would he? That was the question, really. He didn't feel like it, and he hated being reminded of the manacles, of what they could do… but maybe he could tell her. He'd never told anyone, not really - everyone had either already known, or didn't care. And, then it came to him that he did want to tell her, if only to see her reaction - he remembered how he'd wanted Luke to see how his actions had affected him before backing out of it. Luke was callous towards him, at best - but Rey seemed less so. Maybe he could get a reaction out of her, Kylo thought in grim amusement. Maybe it would be worth the effort.

"They have sensors that detect when midi-chlorians become active when in touch with the Force," He explained somewhat curtly; as expected, speaking about it was not easy, "And when that activity reaches a certain threshold, they release an electric shock as a deterrent."

"An electric shock…" She looked uneasy at the thought. At the very edge of the senses he'd allowed himself to extend he could feel her mind racing with thoughts.

"Yes," Kylo very nearly sighed, surprised to find himself already weary of explaining. "A bit like those electric fences bordering the compound."

Rey's gaze turned towards the distant fencing, then back to him. She looked extremely uneasy now, the working of her mind louder. He wondered if she had just not expected it, the fact that the manacles caused pain. It mattered little to him, now; he didn't know what he'd expected of her reaction, but it was not the silent gaze, the grave discomfort that was apparent in her eyes.

"And the implant?" Her voice was quieter now, wary, as if she was fully aware she was treading on fickly ground. It was enough to set Kylo's hackles raising; another regret to add to his already long list: allowing himself to speak about the damned manacles and opening the way to this - was it a - conversation.

"The implant," Kylo snapped, feeling the irritation within him rise exponentially, and he snapped, "Is much the same, only in my brain."

His tone was harsh, almost as harsh as the loathing that accompanied his thoughts of the implant. By the maker, all he'd wanted was to look at the stars, in peace, by himself, and the universe couldn't grant him even that.

"So you can still feel the Force?" Rey asked, her voice and face full of a shocked disbelief, "You could still use it if you wanted to, still reach it, except for...That's, that's hor-"

She stopped mid-word, her eyes widening slightly. Kylo knew he was glaring at her, he knew it was what had stopped her, but he couldn't stop. That pity had edged into her tone, how he despised it. It made him feel small, that sort of pity. It made him feel worthless.

He spun around and headed back to the quarters. Rey actually called after him, but he refused to acknowledge it. His limbs shook and despite the spike of anger he was quickly losing energy, becoming listless. He made it back to his room - the light was on, it had been on ever since he'd broken the light in the refresher - and collapsed back into bed.

It was a wild idea. He didn't consider the details of it, he refused to think on it any longer than the half-a-second during which it formed in his mind - don't ask questions until after you've done it. He washed up in preparation, dressed in clothes that were clean and unrumpled, and waited impatiently for the general's quarters to empty. Leia left early, heading off to meetings or inspections or whatever it was she did, but Han usually hung about later. Kylo had no idea what his father had found to keep himself busy on the compound, but Han kept no regular hours, leaving and returning it seemed whenever the fancy struck him.

Keeping track of their presence in the house wasn't easy, Kylo felt he was toeing the line between too little Force use and just enough to set off the manacles. He was able to catch the barest ghost of a whisper, however, as they left - and once he guessed that Han was gone he left himself, heading out of the general's quarters. The compound was large, and it would take him a while to find what he was looking for - especially considering that he had no idea of the layout of the place.

Hoping that Rey was correct when she'd said most people wouldn't recognize him, he headed out openly through the streets of the compound, searching around for the mech shop. He'd left the quarters with quite a spring in his step, buoyed by something that might have been close to hope, though the farther he got the more unease crept up on him. He hadn't been out, exposed, like this in a while, and it grated on his nerves. Unwilling to let himself be constantly at the beck and call of his traitorous mind he persevered, pushing forward through the streets on his search.

It took him almost two hours of cautious wandering, but he found the shop finally. It was a large building, with doors both wide and tall enough to take in a small transport vessel, and the only building in its vicinity made of metal instead of concrete slabs. Peering inside the half-open main doors, Kylo could see the mech droids working on a large engine block. Human techs were nearby, inspecting what looked like half of an X-Wing's wing set. Almost everyone seemed engrossed in what they were doing, and quickly Kylo slid through the opening and over to one the side of the room.

Carts with various tools were scattered about the area, and he made his way towards one, glancing over at the techs often to make sure he hadn't been noticed. A droid wound its way towards him, and he turned away, waiting to see if it had noticed he was out of place - but with a metallic grumble it rolled past and towards one of the office areas at the side of the room. Moving quickly, he scanned the cart he'd approached and pick a variety of tools off of it, once again checking often that the human techs, at least, hadn't noticed him. Then, arms full of tools, he slipped back outside and headed off.

Where to? He could return to the quarters, but if his father was there and caught him entering… Kylo was in no mood to be explaining what he was doing to the man. No, better someplace where he was much less likely to run into anyone… and he found it almost as soon as he left the shop. Turning the corner of the building, he was met with an open gate to a shoddily fenced-in area, beyond which lay heaps upon heaps of metal sheets, engine parts, and large sections of ships that had seen much better days. A salvage yard - his mind screamed that it was perfect. Most salvage yards, he'd learned once (so long ago) were rarely visited by the human techs unless specific parts were needed, only frequented by the mech droids on an as-needed basis. That suited his needs perfectly - droids could usually be heard as they approached, and with his Force senses subdued as they were he didn't trust himself to feel the approach of any humans in time to do anything about it.

Giving a quick glance around, Kylo hurried through the open gate and headed for as distant a part of the yard as he could manage. Finding a small hollow made from the arrangement of a ship engine and various discarded metal plating and exhaust tubes, he set the tools down on the dusty ground and sat down in front of them, taking stock. He had a variety of wrenches and pliers and a couple screwdrivers, and some more advanced tools he couldn't recall the names of. It didn't matter, their names didn't matter, just what they could do.

He pulled the sleeves of his shirt up and over the manacles, exposing them on both arms. The seam lines on them weren't lined up perfectly - they couldn't be, considering they needed to allow him some sort of movement. That also meant there were gaps in the seams, gaps he could take advantage of…

Selecting a flat headed screwdriver, he set the tip into one of the seams and twisted it. The metal gave a bit, shifting slightly, but then the screwdriver tip twisted right out of the seam and slid off the smooth curve of the manacle. Cursing under his breath, he tried again only to have the screwdriver skitter off once more. Tossing it aside, he selected a tool with a thinner tip and tried again, prying it into that gap on the manacle. He felt it catch somewhere inside, and with a small tremor of maybe he pushed on it, attempting to pry the casing off of the manacle. It gritted, metal on metal, and then very suddenly a shock buzzed out of the manacle, making him wince and drop the tool he'd been holding. For a moment he tensed, expecting it to continue - had he damaged it? - but nothing more happened. The shock hadn't been powerful - maybe he'd accidentally triggered it, caused it to malfunction a moment - and picking the tool back up he tried again. Once again, he pushed the tool into the gap, and began trying to pry that casing open. The shock came again, light enough for him to ignore now that he was expecting it, and he pushed the tool in further.

The second shock was much stronger, strong enough to cramp his fingers and send the pain straight into the depths of his wrist. He cursed loudly this time, over and over, until he could feel his hand again. Breath coming fast and heavy, nearly whimpering, he threw the tool from him with vicious force, and when that didn't help he threw the next one he could reach, then the next. They clattered against spare parts and metal frames, and between that and his loud cursing it was no wonder he didn't notice the droid earlier.

As it was, by the time he picked up on the questioning, concerned beeping the droid had already rolled within five feet of him. It hovered at the edge of one of the piles of scrap that hid him from the main trail in the yard, a round white ball with a dome shaped head and distinct orange detailing. He recognized it almost instantly, but it apparently didn't recognize him. Beeping excitedly as it saw that he'd noticed it, the droid rolled forward cheerfully, none too quickly, and beeped out a series of questions - what was he doing here? Alone? Was he a tech? Was he working on something? Could it help him somehow?

"No, I don't need your help!" Kylo said in a huff, rising to his feet. The droid let out a long beep, then a clatter of beeps, assuring him it was more than happy to assist with anything if he wanted it to. Kylo glowered down at it as it neared, its movements nearly bubbly. He knew the droid too well, he'd captured it once during the war even (and had to reprimand the Stormtroopers on his shuttle afterwards as they all gathered round it, calling it cute and asking hopefully We don't need to destroy it, right sir?). Now the droid was in front of him, not recognizing him, and continuing it's chorus of cheerful beeps as it rolled up next to him. It had to pivot its head far back to look up at him, its single focal eye peering up at him as it beeped inquisitively again, apparently puzzled by his silence.

Kylo could almost see the moment when the clueless droid realized who he was - its head gave a little wobble, and it shot back suddenly, the cheerful beeps replaced by a drawn out chorus of high-pitched beeps that threatened to pierce his ear drums.

"Shut up!" he screamed at it. It responded with another tirade of high-pitched beeps and plunging right into a pile of scrap that unceremoniously toppled onto it. Kylo glared in its direction, "That's what happens to stupid droids that don't mind their business!"

The droid let out another screeching beep, struggling to dislodge the mass of scrap it was covered in. Only part of its dome-shaped head was visible, and the single large lens peered out at Kylo almost helplessly. This wouldn't do; if its glass-shattering screeching hadn't attracted attention, then the fact that it was missing would. Kylo had no intention of meeting with its owner, and especially not there, in a scrap yard with a bunch of tools taken from the mech shop.

With glower firmly in place, he strode purposefully over to the trapped droid. It beeped again, another cacophony that threatened to give him a headache.

"Shut up, I said," He growled. The droid responded by deploying one of its arms through a gap in the scrap pile and flickering the electric prod at the end of it.

"Oh yes, I'm very terrified of all 9 volts of that," Kylo muttered, avoiding the arm as he began picking scrap pieces off of the droid. The droid in return beeped sullenly, something about how it was so much more than 9 volts. Kylo ignored it, focused on taking apart the heap of metal without bringing more of it down on the both of them. After a few moments he'd managed to make a hole large enough for the droid to exit, and it did so in a hurry. Kylo tossed down the last pieces he held in his hands, wincing only slightly as the rest of the pile shifted into the spot vacated by the droid, and turned back to what remained of the tools he had stolen. He could try to dismantle the manacles again, but if the previous tries were any indication, he'd end up shocking himself over and over again in order to do so. Whether it was an anti-tamper addition to the manacles, or merely a result of trying to manipulate the cover, he couldn't be sure - but the second option was far worse than the second. What if he tried again, and only managed to damage a manacle in such a way that it wouldn't be able to turn off? The thought bordered on terrifying. With a final, half-hearted glare at the scattered tools, he admitted defeat and turned to head out of the yard.

On the trail a few paces down, the little droid stood, almost as if waiting for him. Kylo frowned as he approached, unsure what to make of it. The droid remained silent, watching him walk up, head sliding far back again as it looked up at him. With little patience for odd droids, Kylo headed past it and towards the gate. A sudden flurry of beeps sounded behind him, and suddenly the droid was there, right next to him, matching his pace. It sounded again, a myriad of questions that Kylo had no interest in answering - Do you live here now? Where are you going? What are you doing? What were you doing with the tools?

Ignoring it, he headed out the gate and towards the direction he believed the general's quarters to be in. The droid rolled along, beeping conversationally about… well, about things that Kylo didn't care about, and therefore didn't take much note of. He wouldn't admit it, but it wasn't half bad having something along with him, making noise. It was almost as if he weren't alone. He eyed the droid critically, and as if it felt his gaze it pivoted and swiveled its head around so its large lens looked straight up at him.

"What do you want?" He snapped. The droid beeped cheerfully, it was going back to its master and since Kylo was headed in the same direction it had decided to go along with him.

"Along with me?" Kylo said with a low laugh, "Don't you know who i am?"

The droid beeped out a sequence, of course it knew, but the beeps were slightly uneasy. It's one large lens remained on him, it was slightly disconcerting how it just stared, though after a moment it looked away and distanced itself from him a few paces. Kylo watched it go with an odd feeling, as if he was losing something, which was ridiculous. Leaving the droid to itself, he sped up and focused on getting back. It was getting on late in the afternoon and he would prefer to get in before Leia returned.

Beeps sounded suddenly, and despite himself he turned to look back. The little droid rocked in place, looking undecided, then let out a short beep sequence - Thank you - before spinning and shooting off into an intersecting road. Kylo watched it go in stunned silence, unaware of what to make of the entire situation. Droids were just odd by nature, being machines, but this one was very odd indeed. It was almost endearing.

And certainly less sarcastic than R2-D2, he thought.

Then he grimaced, and turned back around. R2- no, he refused to think about that scrap bucket, but pushing away that thought only brought the failure of the day to the forefront of his thoughts. He couldn't help but feel the weight of it on him, darkening his mind. He really wouldn't be able to get free of the manacles… No, he refused to dwell on it now. He'd dwelt on it for so many days and nights and he was tired of the dark despair, so tired. Maybe later, if the sky was clear that night, he would go outside to see the stars again. Trying to cheer himself up, he promised himself he would. And maybe, this time, he wouldn't be interrupted.