.
THE REDEMPTION SQUAD
Snodin
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LEVEL 4:
CONKER'S BAD MIND TRIP
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By the time Mega Man and his company returned to their home base on the metallic planet-sized colony, Raz the Psychonaut had already fulfilled his adventure in Crash Bandicoot's world, and boy he couldn't wait to tell everyone about it. And he would get his chance, once the group gathered together in Commander Rock's office.
Standing by were his closest companions: Jade the warrior/healer, Jim the gun-toting earthworm, Mighty the... well, mighty... armadillo, and his commanding officer, who was back in his blue suit and black tie uniform and standing by patiently while the others listened to Raz's story with delight.
"You guys should have been there," cheered the overly excited boy; "there were bandicoots, and tazmanian tigers, and some crocodile crossed with a dingo! Oh, and there was this mad scientist, and I raced him on this wild go-kart ride, and we were all, 'Shoom!' and 'Pow-pow-pow!' Yeah, there were lasers and everything! And the best part? The best part, guys- you'll never believe this- but we- me and my friend Crash- we won the race! And there was a huge trophy, and fanfare!" He then exhaled loudly to emulate a roaring crowd. "Aw, it was great!"
While the others looked intrigued and delighted, Rock remained stilled and emotionless, with his hands firmly placed on his hips. This went ignored for a while, but when Raz finished his story, he turned to the young looking robot boy and grimaced. "Gee boss, you could at least show a little excitement. I know you're a 'bot and all, but..."
Finally, the robot spoke, and in a surprisingly harsh tone. "You expect me to be happy about this? After you deliberately disobeyed my orders?"
Raz, as well as Jim and Mighty, jumped back in surprise.
"Did I, or did I not, tell you to stay put, Raz?" asked the stern Commander.
"Uhh... umm... C-can I plead the fifth on this?" asked the Psychonaut meekly.
"I told you to stay here, because you're not ready to go on a big mission with us just yet. You're still in training. And you know, you were lucky that you landed in a pleasant world; you could have been sent directly into a sun, or a war-torn dimension, or worse!"
"...But I didn't," protested Raz with a smile. "And that just proves that I'm-"
"It proves nothing, except that you're stubborn, careless and have no respect for your commanding officers. ...And I cannot let this go unpunished: you are demoted to janitor duties, for one month."
"WHAT?" gasped Raz; he was about to protest, when Rock's stern tone stopped him.
"Would you like me to make it two months?"
Weakened with shame and dread, the smallest of the two boys swallowed his pride and doubled over in defeat. "No, sir."
"Good. Now get to work." Rock extended his arm, directing the Psychonaut toward the door.
Raz left with his head hung in shame, dragging his feet as he took the long walk toward his new humiliating job. Jade and the others watched in silence, until the boy was out of sight.
"Ouch," smirked Jade. "That was harsh, boss."
With narrowed eyes and a stern frown, Rock defended his decision; "I have to make an example of him, Jade. It's the only way he'll learn."
"No, I get it, really. It's just... have you seen the bathrooms around here?"
Rock gazed up at her, curious to know, or if he even wanted to know, the answer.
..
..
As it turned out, the bathrooms around the Squad's main levels were pretty nasty. It's not that everyone there wanted a filthy place to relieve themselves; it's that some of them couldn't help it, being made of slime, or mud, or some other unmentionable element. So once in a while, it paid to avoid those bathrooms altogether until the janitors made their daily rounds. And now Raz was among their ranks. Forced to wear a mute green uniform and no cap, exposing his deep blue unkempt hair, he pushed along a heavy cart with all of the useful cleaning items, and he would certainly need every one of them.
On the first of many of these levels, Raz made his round in a men's room that seemed ordinary enough. The typical stalls, urinals and sinks were all accounted for, and there was even floor tiling. Nothing too dirty, or too bizarre to behold thus far, much to his relief.
But no sooner than he began this humiliating labor with mop in hand, that things took a turn for the unusual: "IT WON'T FLUSH!" screamed a terrified, high pitched voice from within the middle stall.
Raz jumped in surprise; he was sure he was alone up until this point. Whoever it was that screamed must have been standing on top a toilet, or able to fly, as he saw no feet on the floors behind the stall doors. As Raz approached the stall, he thought about whether or not he should investigate. But before he could make that decision, the stall's door flew open, smacking him in the face.
Out popped a small red squirrel (though his fur was more orange than red), donning a light blue hoodie and sneakers on his feet. He had big googly blue eyes, which were beaming with fear. "Why won't it flush?!" He exclaimed frantically.
The dazed young janitor yelled himself to his feet and groaned, "Wh-what? What's wrong?"
The silly little squirrel grabbed the boy by his jacket and rambled, "The blue and yellow! Blue and yellow lights, gone black! It went in there, now it won't flush!"
Confuse, Raz wondered, "Is it out of order?"
"Gone," frowned the cartoon animal. "It's gone, all gone. Down the swirly twirly blackness." As he said this, his eyes swirled as though they were hypnotized. He then blinked them back to normal to rant, "The portal potty. It'll get you. Don't go."
"Porta-potty? No, there's no Porta-potty here."
He watched in bewilderment as the squirrel ducked down and zipped from one corner to the next like a lion on the prowl. "Beware," he whispered fearfully. "Beware the portal potty. It'll get you. It'll get us all." He then bolted through the exit door, leaving Raz with his state of confusion.
"Oh... kay?" he murmured. Curious as to what the squirrel was rambling about, he opened the stall from which the animal fled, and saw that there was an ordinary toilet inside. He pressed the flush button a few times, and concluded that it was indeed out of order. And yet, it was perfectly clean, no signs at all that the squirrel had done his business there.
"Huh," mused the young janitor. He then locked the stall from the inside, crawled out from the bottom, then reached into his wheeled cart to pull out an "Out of Order" sign. He tacked it onto the stall's door, and walked away, thinking that was the end of it.
What he failed to see was that deep in the lowest region of the toilet in question, a small spark was alit, followed by a small swirling vortex of black and white lines...
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..
That evening, after his hours of laboring were finished, Raz couldn't wait to jump into the shower and run it at least five times. He was green in the face and smoking some God-awful stench; even the flies would not dare enter his personal space, fearing they would drop dead from the smell. But perhaps the most unpleasant thing about him was his heartbroken frown, his lips curled downward so far they nearly passed his chin line. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so disgusted, or so belittled. Not even the horrors he faced at Whispering Rock's summer camp could compare to this. And this was just his first day on the job.
But his moment of despair would not last; since his sleeping quarters were in the same area as most other Squad members', it was inevitable that he would run into some company. Granted, most Squad members fled upon seeing or smelling him, but there was at least one that was willing to approach him. That one, was Earthworm Jim.
He, accompanied by a small pink anthromorphic puppy with a blue open vest and a brown backpack, watched as the boy passed by while dragging his offensive odor. Jim took one big whiff of it and sighed, "Whoo-wee! You smell rancid!"
With a pout, the boy sassed, "Thank you for that marvelous depiction."
"I like it!" smiled the earthworm, as he maneuvered his wormy head and neck down to Raz's eye level.
"You... what?" gasped Raz in surprise, blinking twice.
Jim raised his head and proudly stated, "It reminds me of that one time in New Junk City, where I battled a junkyard brute that vomited rotten fish like projectiles. Good times, man, good times. ...Oh! Where are my manners? Raz, I want you to meet my bestest friend in the whole galaxy."
"Hello," waved the pink puppy.
"And my pet, Snot."
Confused, the boy asked, "You named your dog Snot?"
"No, Pete's the dog. Snot's my pet. Snot! Here boy, come to Daddy!"
From Peter's backpack popped out a slimy green blob with yellow eyes. It launched itself at Jim and began to slurp his face, dripping ooze all over him. Jim meanwhile, laughed and held the blob like a baby. "Raz, this is Snot. Say hi, boy!"
Raz took one deep breath before the little green blob plopped itself onto him, making him even greener than before. Oddly enough, Snot's "kisses" cleaned up some of the gunk Raz already had on his suit, but he wasn't sure if he liked being cleaned by mucus.
"Me and Peter worked together before I got enrolled into the Squad," Jim explained. "We were both heroes for hire in our solar system, back when we thought it was the only place we called home. Now Pete minds the fort while I do my hero thing from beyond!" At that last exclamation, his voice seemed to echo melodramatically.
"I see," said Raz, whose attitude was now only slightly better than before, despite being covered in ooze now. "So, how come Pete's not part of this Squad if you two are so close?"
"I tried out once," said the pink puppy. "It... didn't work out. I'd rather not talk about it."
"Well," said a smiling Jim as he patted Peter on the back; "I know a place where we can all sit back and reminisce about the good ol' days. Raz, you're welcome to come with us."
"Thanks guys but I think I'm due for about twelve showers now."
"Nonsense, you smell great!" Jim insisted. "Besides, where we're going, it doesn't smell much better. Boys, to the Toe Jam and Earl's!" He dramatically pointed forward as he said this, making Raz feel obligated to follow along.
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Toe Jam and Earl's- Bar and Grill.
One of the smaller eateries in the Redemption Squad's hub region, Toe Jam and Earl's was a humble diner where aliens of all races and creeds could snack on some of the universe's more unconventional foods. This was a favorite place for Jim, because it served the one thing he could eat like it were a delicacy: dirt.
As he munched down on a plate with dirt stacked up like a burger and slurping down a glass of sludge, Jim laughably reminisced with his friend Peter, who had nothing more than a cheekbone on his plate. Raz, now slightly cleaner but still in his soggy mute green uniform, kept poking at the purplish goo on his plate, unsure if he was hungry enough to eat it.
"How about that one time I raced Psy-Crow through that asteroid belt?" chuckled the happy go lucky earthworm. "You were there, weren't you Petey?"
"Nope," the puppy shook his head.
"Oh... Well, how about the time we went bungee jumping in the snot pits?"
"Nope, that was all you, Jim."
"Uh... Weren't you there when I-"
"No."
"You didn't let me finish!"
"Okay, go ahead."
"...When I went to Plant Heck to do battle with Evil the Cat?"
"No. But I would have loved to."
Hearing their conversation, which seemed to be one sided, Raz couldn't help but ask, "You guys do stuff together, right?"
"Oh yeah," chuckled Peter. "We had some pretty wild times... 'Course, most of the fun we had was with Princess Wha-" Squeak, went the puppy's lips, as Jim's blue robot fingers pressed down on them to shut him up.
The worm then pulled his friend in by his robotic arm and darkly whispered, "We don't talk about What's Her Name, remember?"
"Oh yeah," frowned the pink puppy. "So sorry Jim."
Now intrigued, the orange skimmed boy beside them mused, "You guys know a princess?"
"We knew her," replied a dismal looking Jim as his head slumped down in depression.
Taking this as a sign of tragedy, Raz gasped softly. "Oh... Oh guys, I'm so sorry."
Jim sniffles, as old memories began to creep up in his puny worm brain. His lips rippled, indicating that he was about to sob. "It was horrible, just horrible!" he lamented.
"Aw, Jim," frowned the puppy. "It had nothing to do with you."
Taking a big sniff into the air, Jim gushed out, "I did nothing but slave for her! I saved her dozens of times, from all kinds of weird, evil creatures... And how does she reward me? By running off with some fat, stupid cow!" He then grabbed Peter's vest and blew on it like a hankerchief.
Relieved, Raz smiled, "Oh! For a second there I thought you meant she was..." Then he realized that the mood was still damp. He frowned, "Aww, don't worry big guy. There are plenty of princesses out here for you to rescue."
The earthworm in the robotic suit sniffled again. "None as pretty as her though... Here, her latest postcard from some beach resort in Planet Paradiso."
Raz took the photo that Jim pulled out from his pant pocket, and observed it carefully. The picture showed a perfect blue sky over a sandy beach with Palm trees in the background, and on the foreground was a curvy red-haired humanoid female with a small golden crown on her head, her legs and abdomen striped like a bee's. She was stretched out on a lounge chair, waving happily at the camera. Standing by her side and sticking out like a sore thumb was a cow with a pink flower necklace and a straw hat, sipping from the straw of a glass of piña colada. On the bottom of the photo was a red cursive text: "Wish you were here, xoxoxo."
"Huh," mused Raz. "She really did run off with a cow."
"And it's fat!" exclaimed a jealous Jim. "And stupid!" With that, he sbiffled into his robotic sleeve.
"Now Jim," said Peter, "You can't keep doing this to yourself. Raz is right, there are plenty of girls out there for you to swoon over. We can forget all about Primcess What's Her Name and move on."
The boy blinked. "You still can't bring yourselves to say her name?"
"What's Her Name is her name," said Peter in a serious tone.
"Oh," mused Raz, though he was still confused by the matter. He took a moment to look around for something to take their minds off of Jim's melancholy, when his eyes caught t he glimpse of orange fur. There, at the bar, sat the oddball he found in the bathroom that morning. "Hey, there's that guy!"
"What guy?" asked a teary eyed earthworm.
"That guy, at the bar," directed Raz. "I saw him this morning, he was rambling about something earlier, but I couldn't figure out what he was talking about."
Jim looked once at the squirrel in the blue hoodie and replied, "Oh, him? I think his name is Conker. Yeah,yeah, Conker the Squirrel. All he does is drink maple juice and speak in gibberish."
"Does anybody know what his problem is?"
"Problem?"
"Well, he just seems so... off. Like, he wants to speak clearly, but just can't. Where is he from, anyway?"
Jom took a moment to breathe before responding, and when he did it was in a very somber tone. "Well, from what IVe heard, he comes from one of those small planets that the Erasers got to. You remember those guys, right?"
Raz gulped, "Those robot things that attacked us the night I broke out of jail?"
"Yeah. They don't just target individuals; sometimes, if they feel the need to, they'll erase entire planets."
The boy gasped loudly, overwhelmed with shock. "B-but... How could they? What gives them the right? That's... That's genocide!" Neither Jim nor Peter could respond, and so Raz jumped out of his chair and declared, "I'm gonna go talk to him. He's probably traumatized from the whole ordeal."
"Good luck," prayed Jim as his little friend approached the bar.
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With his head slumped on the bar and a beer cup full of maple juice, Conker looked like he had been through a war. In his melancholy, he failed to hear Raz's footsteps approaching him. When the boy peeped, "'Scuse me," The squirrel let put a loud yelp, spilling his drink as he threw his arms in the air.
"I was in the back!" said the nonsensical squirrel.
Taking this in stride, Raz cleared his throat and replied, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. ...Look, I saw you earlier today, in the bathroom. You remember me, right?"
The squirrel's bloodshot eyes narrowed as they peered into Raz's. "...Do you know where it goes?" he asked.
"Where what goes?"
"The swirly twirly loopy-sloopy?"
"Are you talking about toilet water? ...Does it really matter where it goes?"
Suddenly, the squirrel's eyes began to water. "It's gone... It's all gone... All down the drain. Everybody is gone- my tree, my kingdom, all those beautiful babes... What does a flower need breasts for, anyway? Urp! Whatever. It's all down the drain now. Down the *hic* loopy-sloop."
"Yeah... I heard about your home planet. I'm so sorry about that." Raz patted the squirrel's back in comfort. "...Is there anything I can do for you? Anything I can get you?"
"The portal potty," said the squirrel matter of factly.
"That again?"
"It's down there... Oh. Where's all my money? Did it run away again? Ugh..."
"...I really don't know what you're saying? Can't you just speak plainly?" asked a slightly frustrated Raz.
Conker slid off his seat and appeared to melt into a pile of mush on the floor in his drunken stupor. "Tell my wife and kids... I love em... Ehh..." He began to snore.
Raz gently prodded him with his finger in hopes to snap the squirrel out of it, but he appeared to have ranted himself into a deep sleep. Unsure of what to do next, the boy shrugged in defeat and returns to his friends.
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Back at Jim and Pete's table, the young boy softly declared, "He's clearly lost his mind. As a certified Psychonaut, it's my duty to help him in the best way I can: by entering his subconscious and defeating his inner demons."
A confused Peter Puppy asked, "You're gonna go psycho on him?"
"No, no," Raz corrected him. "Psycho-naut. I can read minds and help people conquer their fears and whatnot. I'm sure if he'll let me, I can... Hey, where'd he go?" The boy took another glance at Conker, only to discover his seat at the bar being empty. He turned back to the worm and dog and ordered, "You guys gotta help me find him. The sooner I get in his head, the better."
"You heard him, Petey," said Jom with renewed spirit. "Let's bag us a squirrel."
"Still sounds pretty psycho to me," commented the puppy before adding, "Okay let's do it."
"Great," smiled the boy. "Now, where would he go from here?"
Jim replied, "Where most animal folks go, I imagine: The Grand Gardens."
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Back in the men's room where Raz met Conker, everyone avoided the one closed off stall that appeared to be out of order. Had they been brave enough to examine it, they might have spotted the small horizontal vortex that was slowly but steadily growing. Within hours, it grew large enough to swallow the toilet whole, in a sort of flushing motion.
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The Grand Gardens, that evening.
Sitting comfortably in the heart of Colony B were the Grand Gardens, home to various anthropomorphic animals that were displaced thanks to the Erasers. Here, Jim and Pete were sure to find the elusive red squirrel. Donning a hunter's cap and a net pole, Jim made his intentions perfectly clear to the residents, while Peter Puppy tiptoed behind him.
"Uh, Jim? You think maybe you might try being a little more subtle?"
"Shh!" hushed Hunter Jim. "Be vewy, vewy quiet."
"Seriously?"
"What? I've been wanting to try out his hat for a long time now. Lemme have my moment."
A twig cracked.
"Oo! Something's here," gasped the excited earthworm, as he held his new pole high. He jumped forward and flung his net, only to scare off a few small bunny rabbits and butterflies.
Discouraged, Jim kept singing his net around the bushes, and even nabbed a smaller puppy than Peter. The puppy, dressed in a grey tank top and black cap, looked up at the worm and barked, "Yo-yo, what da deal?"
"Oo," mused Jim at Pa Rappa the Rapper. He then turned to Peter curiously. "Cousin of yours?"
Pete just raised an eyebrow in disapproval, prompting Jim to release the hound.
"Aw, we're never gonna find him like this," lamented the earthworm. "It's liie looking for a needle in a haystack."
"He's a squirrel, Jim. We should be looking in the trees."
"By Jove, you're right!" Jim threw down his net and pulled out his signature gun. "Switching to suck mode!" With a push of a button, the gun's barrel morphed into the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner.
With unbelievable power, the vacuum gun began to suck in leaves, twigs, and eventually whole trees, much to the sock and horror of the animal residents. It soon became too much for the earthworm to handle on his own, and his grip was flung left and right, until it aimed directly at Peter.
"JIM! TURN IT DOWN!"
"I CAN'T! IT'S JUST SO GOOD AT SUCKING!"
Inevitably, a tree branch came hurling at Peter, and whacked him from behind. Pained and angry, the little puppy couldn't help but morph into his dreadful alter ego: a large, magenta furred dog beast with torn vest and bulging muscles, and teeth strong enough to mangle even Jim's indestructible suit.
With a vicious bite, Big Bag Pete sank his fangs into Jim's gun, shutting it down completely. This at least stopped the vacuum from damaging anymore fauna; however, it didn't stop Peter from lashing out as his best friend with great fury.
Jim screamed, "Oww! Ack! Augh! Stop it, bad dog! Bad dog! And you wonder why you didn't make fit in the Squad? OU-hoo-hooch!"
Such a commotion was enough to bring various animals into the scene, including the one they were looking for.
While still halfway in Big Bad Pete's mouth, Jim saw Conker and cheered, "There he is! Get 'im!"
The purplish brute spat out his prey and charged at the red squirrel, who took off in a mad dash in the opposite direction.
Battered and crooked, Jim weakly sat up and murmured, "God job... Petey... I knew I could count on... ugh..." before fainting.
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Meanwhile, in that same bathroom as before, an unlucky patron ignored the "Out of Order" sign on the questionable stall and entered. After doing his business, the human flushed the toilet while still sitting on it, but found himself stuck in his seat and unable to rise. To his horror, he could feel himself being pulled in, along with the water, further and further down, into the growing vortex of doom. He was only the first victim; soon, there would be more...
..
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Raz took a few hours to prepare for his mission; first, he took his multiple showers as planned, then he burned his uniform to eradicate its filth, then he put on his normal gear, from his red-lens goggles and leather aviator cap, to his leather jacket, pants and army boots.
When he arrived in the Grand Gardens, Jim and Peter had Conker tied down to a wooden chair, his eyes swirly as his head swayed back and forth in a daze. "What did you do to him?" asked the Psychonaut.
"He wasn't easy to catch," Jim explained. "You'd think a half drink squirrel would be, but no."
"Ah, well it's probably better this way," sighed Raz. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a small door, and planted it right on the sleepy squirrel's forehead. "Now, when he's out cold, that door will open and I'll be able to jump in. "
"And that's going to take you straight into his head?" asked Peter.
"To his dream world, more specifically. Hopefully I can get to the bottom of his insanity before he wakes up."
The trio didn't have to wait long for the squirrel's bugged out eyes to close, and as they did, the small door opened. Behind it, a blinding beam of white light.
Raz slipped his red goggle lenses over his eyes and declared, "Alright, I'me going in."
Jim gave him a thumbs up before he and Peter backed away.
Raztook his forefingers and pressed them upon his temples, closing his eyes as he began to concentrate. All went black for him, as his thoughts drifted into nothingness. He could feel his own Life force being pulled into the white light behind the small door, pulling harder and harder, until it felt like he was swirling down a whirlpool of black and white...
..
..
("Windy/Overworld" theme)
...and was "pooped out," as it were, into the squirrel's dream world. To the boy's surprise, he entered the world in mid-air, hung in the sky for a moment before realizing where he was, and then plummeted onto a pile of swaying sunflowers.
The sunflowers were almost as tall as he was, and bearing human-like faces. They cheerfully caught the boy with their leaves before boosting him toward a fenced in patch of soft grass.
Landing on his face, he sat up and paused to shake the dirt off himself, then looked up and was greeted by an odd looking scarecrow, who waved at him with his stick for an arm. He then pointed left, to the winding stone path ahead. Raz took this as a cue, and followed the scarecrow's direction.
As he trotted down the path, he waved at the buzzing bees and swaying flowers and mushrooms, taking in the cheerful tone of the atmosphere. He came to a crossroad in the path, which was intercepted by a long pole with two sign posts. On it's left side, it read "Nice," and on the right it read "Nasty."
"Hmm," pondered the Psychonaut. "Well, I need to find out what's wrong with him, so... Nasty, it is."
Aside from the bright and sunny decor, there were colorful fragments of pure energy scattered about. These were known to Raz as Figments, which when picked up increased his psychic powers. He followed a trail of them up a hill and toward a massive bee hive, guarded by three aggressive wasps.
Charging at full force with their stingers, they chased him back down the hill. He jumped behind a smaller beehive, and as they neared it, they were met by two barrels of guns that popped out from the small hive's top. This scared them away, making it safe for Raz to continue on his journey.
He jumped into the water to look for more clues, and was greeted by a gang of black and white fish with feline faces- catfish, he supposed. He swam with them to gather more Figments, until a giant bulldog- headed fish chased him and the catfish away.
He was about to exit he lake, when a sudden whirlpool took him in, pulling him through a pipeline full of dangerous propellers. With catlike reflexes, he dodged every chance of getting sliced to ribbons before resurfacing on the other side.
And on the other side, he discovered a new patch of land. He observed a large king bee flirting with a tall female sunflower on a hilltop, much to the boy's confusion, and in the distance stood a great big water tower.
The boy climbed the tower's ladders, one after another, until he was so high up he could see the entirety of the brightly colored wonderland. Also at the very top, he found a hovering block of chocolate. Curious, he took it and gave it a little bite, and felt revitalized somehow.
"Wow," he smiled, " so far this place seems pretty great... But there's gotta be more to it than that... Maybe what I'm looking for is just beneath the surface."
.
With his psychic energy maxed out, the boy went to the one place he assumed to be Conker's home: a giant oak tree with a wooden door and some windows on the sides. The door was barred by yellow strip tape, with signs warning "KEEP OUT" nailed down. Raz took this as a cleAr sign that the squirrel's subconscious was hiding something sinister beyond this door. He balled his fists, conjuring up his telekinesis, and with a flash of blue light from his hands, the strips and signs were pulled away.
When he opened the door, he peered inside and saw nothing but a black void. But the. He looked downward, and saw that there was a bottomless pit where there should have been a floor. "Bingo," Raz murmured. He pressed onto his nostrils, and dove down into the rabbit hole- err, squirrel hole.
.
Raz landed in soft grass yet again, but this time the sky was a dark and sinister evening blue. There were no trees, no hills, just tall grass and-
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiistle... KABOOM!
-bombs?
Raz jumped in fear, and realized that the sky was raining missiles from an unknown source. He had to make a run for it. As he did, he could see shadows of other creatures fleeing for their lives. He caught up with them, and discovered that they were an army of grey squirrels, dressed in army uniforms and helmets.
Unsure of where they were going, Raz stayed with the group, until finally one squirrel,n the distance stood out from the rest- his fur was bright orange. "Conker!" Raz exclaimed. He picked up the pace, forgetting about the missile shower, and was thrown off his feet when one exploded nearby. Both he and Conker fell to the ground.
"...Conker..." the boy panted, as he struggled to his feet and stood over the squirrel. "Conker! Are you alright?"
Dazed and winded, the squirrel with the blue hoodie and grey helmet looked up at the human and weakly replied, "Le... Leave me... Save... The money." With that, he reached behind his hoodie and pulled out a wad of strapped cash... which, oddly enough, had its own pair of googly eyes.
Raz pushed the money aside and grabbed the squirrel's hand. "Come on buddy, we're getting you out of this place. Follow me, back to the- WOAH!"
He was taken completely by surprise, as a giant bat creature swooped down from out of nowhere, and snatched up Conker. " No!" Cried out Raz.
.
("Count Batula" theme)
Fortunately for Raz, the dream world was kind enough to accommodate him with a path leading up to the large foreboding castle, in which Conker had been taken by the vampire bat/squirrel.
The Psychonaut strained himself as he slowly pushed the front doors open. He dashed inside, and was welcomed by an army of disfigured animal zombies. He shot at them with his colorful psychic energy before making a mad dash down a winding hallway that have way to a long and twirly slide. This was all leading up to a pitfall, with giant meat grinders waiting at the very bottom. What saved Raz's life was a split-second decision to grab ahold of a goggly-eyed pitchfork that was hanging from the ceiling. He then began to swing the rope to and fro, until he had enough momentum to launch himself over the grinders and onto the platform on the other side. All that was left o do from there was open the door in front of him, possibly to where Conker lied.
.
Sure enough, the boy entered a room covered in thick, dark blue slime (which was actually an altered tint of something far nastier). He stopped short at a steep cliff and peered down. There, at the bottom of the blue pit, was the squirrel he had been searching for, sitting atop a giant red throne.
"Conker!" Raz called out. "Hang on, buddy, I'll get you out of there!"
The confused critter looked up at the boy. "You. ...Who are you? What do you want from me?"
"My name is Raz, and I'm here to help you."
Conker looked down, seeing that his kingly throne had suddenly transformed into a giant toilet. "I... I think it's too late for me... Oh boy, here it comes..."
Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble...!
("Great Mighty Poo," instrumental rock version by FamilyJules7x)
The whole room began to tremble, throwing Raz off his balance. He sat up helplessly and watched as Conker's "throne" was seized by a giant gooey blue hand from beneath. As the hand raised the squirrel high, the rest of its slimy, ugly body began to take shape. First came the lumpy body itself, then it's beady red eyes, then it's massive mouth full of green rotted teeth. This was the alternatively colored, "dark" version of... You guessed it: The Great Mighty Poo.
"...What?" peeped a weirded out Raz. But now was not the time to question things; Conker, it seemed, was about to be swallowed whole by this blob creature.
"Quick!" screamed Conker, grabbing Raz's attention. "That 'B' slab right there, at your feet!"
The Psychonaut looked down, and to his amazement, there really was a big round slab on the ground with the letter "B" in its center.
"Jump on it!" said the frantic squirrel.
Seeing no other option in sight, Raz did as he was told. Like magic, a roll of toilet paper manifested into his hands. "Um... Okay?" he mused.
"Gah... Hurry!" pleaded Conker, as the blob monster opened wide to inhale him.
"Oh!" said Raz in his eureka moment. He tossed the roll of toilet paper, and it fell straight into the monster's mouth, choking it temporarily.
The beast let out a great roar, and began to wildly flail it's gooey limbs about. Blue goop spilled everywhere, nearly hitting Raz as well. That's when he discovered the giant pulley in the distance, hanging from the ceiling on the other side of the pit. Raz gave a grin, knowing what to do.
As Raz ran across the bridge circling the pit, the glob by monster once again flailed itself around to try and smash the Psychonaut. But Raz proved to be too fast and limber for him, and even managed to conjure up another roll of toilet paper as a means of defense. When the monster once again opened its mouth wide, Raz chucked the toilet paper toward it. Not bothering to see if his projectile hit its target, he fled as quickly as he could toward the pulley.
SMASH! SQUISH! All kinds of rumbles and gross splats were heard, all coming from behind. The boy was inches away for his goal when the monster blob made one last effort to smother him. He took a mighty leap of faith, just barely missing getting flattened by goop, and landed on the pulley. He used his whole body weight to pull downward.
FLUSH!
The blob monster let out a mournful roar as the pit underneath it gave way. He sank into nothingness, while trying to hold on to Conker. But the squirrel was saved at the last minute, thanks to Raz and his telekinetic powers. The squirrel was taken in by a warm red aura and pulled to safety, while his nemesis was pulled down the drain.
The boy and the squirrel shook their heads in both disbelief and exhaust. "Wow..." mused Conker. "Nice work, kiddo."
"...Was that thing...?"
"Yeah."
"And did I just...?"
"Uh-huh."
"...I'm gonna need therapy after this."
Suddenly, the walls cracked, with white light beaming through the fissures.
"Gaaah! NOW what's happening?" gasped the terrified rodent.
Raz, while shaking along with him, replied, "It's fine, you're just waking up. Hold on now..."
The two of them braced themselves as they were consumed by the white light...
..
..
Conker's eyes fluttered open, and felt the stiffening sensation of rope against his fur. "Hey, what's the big idea?" he huffed.
By his side stood Raz, now with his goggles back on his brow. Nearby were Jim and Peter, both whom greeted the squirrel with friendly waves of hello. "Sorry about his," said the boy as he untied the rodent. "You haven't really been yourself lately. How do you feel now?"
After giving his head a good rub, the rodent replied, "Actually, now that you mention it... I feel pretty good. Heck, I feel a whole lot better now! Ever since I lost my home, I've been having that nightmare over and over again. Thanks, kid, you really did help me back the... Oh... Oh, no..."
"What? What's wrong now?"
The hapless rodent's eyes were full of worry. "I... just remembered something. It was something really important... Oh God! The portal!"
As the squirrel began to run way, Raz exasperated, "Aw no, not that again! I thought you were-"
"You don't understand!" Conker called back. "The portal gun is in the toilet! We gotta get it out, NOW!"
Raz exchanged confused faces with his friends. "Portal... Gun?"
..
..
The Bathroom.
...Or rather, what was left of it; by the time Raz and company arrived, half of it was already gone and in its place was a large swirling circle of black and white.
"...What? What is this?" pondered a bewildered Raz. "Some kind of vortex?"
"Help! Someone, help us!" cried out a man's voice from within the growing void.
The team stood carefully at the edge of the vortex, and saw that a few unfortunate men, and a few toilets and stall doors, were swirling around in the center of it, and sinking further and further into oblivion.
"That's... Both disturbing and embarrassing," frowned Earthworm Jim.
"How the heck did this even happen?" asked Raz, unsure if he would even get an answer. But then, to his surprise, the answer did come.
"It's all my fault," said a remorseful Conker as he hung his head in shame. "I was wandering around the Aperture test labs when I found this gun that shot portal holes. I tried it out a few times, and then I wanted to see if it could make two portals in the same place. I fired it down the toilet drain, and then I... dropped it."
"You dropped a portal-making gun?" echoed Raz in disbelief. "In the toilet?"
"I'm sorry! I wasn't myself at the time!"
"...So, now it's making an infinite loop hole, which is growing by the minute. And if we don't fix it, we can all sink in and be lost forever. Is that what you're saying?"
"Heh... Oopsie?"
"What do we do?" asked a frantic Peter. "I don't wanna get stuck in a never-ending loop hole. Jim, do something!"
Jim took a moment to use his puny worm brain before cheering, "I've got it! We... (*pausing for dramatic effect) call for help! I'm sure the Commander can do something about this."
The orange boy gave him a less than enthusiastic grin. "Yeeeaaah... No. Let's not do that."
"What? Why not?"
"if Boss-Bot finds out about this, I'll be demoted to garbage man."
"You'll be an ALIVE garbage man!"
But the boy was adamant. "No. We can do this, we just have to reach in there with everything we've got. Snot!"
Just as he had hoped, the green blob popped out from Jim's blue backpack upon hearing its name.
"Leave my Snot out of this!" Jim protested.
"Jim, there's no time!"
The earthworm looked at his pet blob with sad puppy dog eyes before he sighed, "Fine. But if this doesn't work..."
"It has to work," said Raz softly, worried that he might indeed feel the wrath of his Commander sooner or later. "It just has to."
.
Meanwhile, Commander Rock entered the ladies room next door. His big blue eyes beamed with wonder, as this was his first time in a bathroom, ever. He marveled at the tiled flooring, the mute blue walls, the white stall doors and the rows of sinks that were stacked against a long mirrored wall.
Curious, he approached one of the sinks and wondered what their purpose was. How strange, he thought, that the faucets had no buttons or levers to activate the water. Tapping onto the first faucet, he was alerted by the sudden gush of water. It was then that he realized that the faucet had a motion sensory trigger, so there was no need for buttons or levers. When his hand left the sensor bar, the water stopped. This immediately appealed to his inner child; he began to move his hand back and forth, attempting to somehow trick the water from hitting his hand. He began to giggle at his own antics, when suddenly the door flew open.
"Commander?" Came the voice of Counselor Alyx Vance, in her usual white robe.
"Ah!" Gasped the alarmed robot boy. "C-counselor Vance! I... I was just inspecting this place."
She cocked her head. "The ladies room?"
Compelled to blush, he hid his left hand behind his head and smiled sheepishly. "Yes, heh... Well, I put Raz on janitor duty, and I was just making sure he was doing his job."
The dark skinned lady paused to glance around and saw that everything was in top form, even the mirrors. "Looks to me like he is. I'm impressed."
"Me too," nodded the boy robot.
Flush!
Stunned by the sound, Rock turned his attention to the woman exiting one of the stalls. She paid neither the Commander nor the Counselor any mind, but went straight to washing her hands.
The robot looked curiously at the open stall, and found himself peering in. To his amazement, he found a circular seat with two lids, one of which had a gaping hole in its center. As he leaned forward, he could see a swirling vortex of water.
He leaned back and looked to his friend for guidance. "Counselor? What is this white seat, and what is it doing here?"
Bemused by his naivete, Alyx patently responded, "It's called a toilet, Rock."
"Ooh, I've heard of them... What's their purpose, exactly?"
"Well..." She paused, waiting for the other patron to leave so that she and Rock could be alone. But perhaps out of her own sense of grace, she leaned into his ear and whispered to him discretely anyway. What she was about to tell him wasn't the least bit pleasant.
After a few quiet seconds, the robot boy's eyes bulged, his irises shrunk to their smallest, out of pure shock of what he had just heard.
Suddenly, the door slammed open again. This time lit was the young woman who had just exited the ladies room. She had a look of horror in her face as she shouted frantically, "Conselor! Commander! ...The men's room, it... It's disappearing!"
"What!?" gasped the dark skinned woman and robot boy.
.
Back in the men's room in question, there was hardly any "room" left, as only the four walls remained while most of the floor was swallowed up by the growing vortex.
Conker and Peter were standing in the doorway, watching fearfully as Jim, Raz and Snot banded together to reach in and pull out the portal's victims one at a time. Jim's suit was clutching onto the doorknob with one hand, the other holding Jim himself; Jim's body was long enough to dip three feet into the pit. Tied firmly to his head was Snot, whose body stretched out another five feet. Latched onto him was Raz,who was barely three feet tall but gutsy enough to reach as far into the vortex's center as he could. Using his telekinesis, he managed to pull the five humans trapped in the portal one by one. But the real challenge was getting to the portal gun, which he could only see as a dot with his naked eye.
"It's too far," lamented the Psychonaut. "We need more arms!"
Hearing him, Jim called out for his sidekick, "Peter! Give us a paw, will ya buddy?"
Shaking in his shoes, Peter Puppy whimpered, "I'm... I'm not tall enough. I might fall in! Aww... I'm so scared, I'm gonna..." He grasped his head as panic set in, and all at once his body grew to six feet, with magenta fur and bulging muscles, complete with a rabid, toothy grimace.
"Good boy, Petey!" cheered Jim. "Here, grab my leg!"
While still in his beastly form, Peter was still partially in control, and heard Jim's command. With both clawed hands, Big Bad Pete pulled with all his might, anchoring himself on solid ground while his arm length dropped the others further downward.
Sadly, even this wasn't enough; "It's not enough," Raz cried out. "I still... can't... reach it..." He could feel his own body being pulled to uncomfortable levels, as he sank further and further into the portal's core.
Big Bad Pete was losing his footing, as the floor beneath his feet began to melt and give way. He was forced to retreat to the hallway, watching as the bathroom walls began to rip apart by their bricks, much to the horror of onlookers.
Conker remained by his side, and finally came to the conclusion: "Well, I made this bed... I might as well lay in it." With that, he took a deep breath and jumped into the loop hole.
He had barely missed Raz and risked being lost forever in the vortex, but Raz grabbed his tail at the last possible second. Despite their best efforts, the team was still nowhere close to the portal gun, which was hovering tantalizingly close.
"Can't... Keep... Up...!" growled Pete in monster form, as he could feel his energy slipping fast. The puppy quickly morphed back into his small, cream-furred weak state, losing his footing in the process. He, and the others, felt the full force of the vortex's pull, and all screamed in horror as they fell in.
But surprisingly, the gang felt a secure grip on their line within seconds, as though something from behind grabbed Pete and stopped their fall. Indeed, someone did grab Pete's foot: a teal blue robot hand, which was attached to an incredibly long arm made of orange and teal sections. It was Mega Man's Thunder Claw, courtesy of Clown Man. The Blue Bomber, in teal and orange armor, pulled and tugged with all his might, keeping the line of heroes secure from within the hallway.
Thanks to this new stretch, Conker was close enough to the portal gun to snatch it. "...I... Got it!" he cheered once the deed was done.
"We got it! Pull us up!" screamed Raz.
Hearing this, Mega Man mightily retracted his stretched out arm, as Peter, Jim's suit, Jim, Snot, Raz, and finally Conker, all clung on for dear life until they were out of the hole completely. Switching back to his blue armor, Mega Man snatched the portal gun from Conker's grip, and crushed it in his gauntlets. Just like that, the portal itself reversed, bringing back the toilets, floor tiles and walls back to their original state.
Dusting his hands, the little robot took a moment for everyone to catch their breath before he asked, "Alright... Who do I have to thank for this?"
All fingers fell on the plucky little squirrel, who blushed sheepishly at the Commander.
.
After a few minutes of long storytelling, it became clear that Conker had not only stolen a prized ite, from Aperture Industries, but also broke it at some point which caused the loop hole that nearly swallowed everything in sight. It was only by lucky chance, or perhaps Fate, that he would eventually meet the heroes that risked their lives to undo what he had done.
"I'm really sorry," frowned the guilty squirrel. "I haven't really been myself since... well, since I came here. I kinda lost myself, so when I found that portal machine, I thought it was a means of escape. Turns out all I really needed was... That guy." He pointed to Raz, who was trying and failing to hide behind Jim's suit legs.
"I appreciate your honesty, Mr. Squirrel," said Commander Rock. "But you realize you've broken several rules: stealing, creating a life threatening situation, not to mention a few laws of physics."
"Hold on Commander," said Counselor Vance, who remained with the group this whole time. "I think we can let this incident slide, on account of Conker's insanity. Besides, everything is back to normal now."
"But the portal gun..."
"We can replace it. As for you Conker, I'm glad to see you're back to your old self too. I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining our ranks as an official Squad member?"
The squirrel shuffled his feet and bash fully replied, "Gosh, thanks Miss. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ready for that... I've got commitment issues."
Alyx giggled, "I understand."
The orange-skinned boy in the room was feeling pretty proud of himself, when he heard his Commander call out, "Raz!" Stiffened by fear, the boy shuddered as Commander Rock approached him. He was sure he was going to get it now.
"Y-yes, Commander?"
"Raz... I owe you an apology," said the robot boy in a soft, saddened voice.
"Huh?" Raz peeped in surprise.
"I just found out what toilets are for... I am so sorry that I put you through that."
"Oh, well... oh! Heh, heh... No problem, Boss-Bot!"
"I also want to commend you for helping Conker get back on his feet. It was both kind and noble of you to do that. And, we probably would all be stuck in a never-ending loophole without you. So, thanks."
"Aww, shucks, boss." He seemed humbled at first, but then Raz smiled and blinked excitedly. "Does this mean I'm off the hook completely?"
Narrowing his eyes, Rock gave the boy a snarky smile. "What gave you that idea?"
..
..
Toe Jam and Earl's- Bar and Grill, hours later.
Behind the main walls of the less than sanitary eatery was an even less sanitary kitchen. There, Raz found himself washing dozens of dishes, as the newly appointed busboy and dishwasher, in place of his janitor duties.
He was just about finished with his latest load, when the big tan alien with the burly belly named Earl dropped a whole new set of dishes covered in goop and half-eaten food. "And when you're done here," instructed the alien, "we need you to wipe up the bar. Somebody didn't quite agree with his lunch."
With goop now splattered on his head and outfit, Raz sighed with a moan; only twenty-two more days left to go.
..
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SAVING GAME
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Credit to Jules, AKA "FamilyJules7x" for his fantastic rendition of "Conker's Bad Fur Day" Medley. Go to his site on YouTube for more amazing video game rock covers
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NEXT LEVEL: "Pandora's Box"
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