I want to wish everyone hear a Happy New Year. Even though some may not agree that 2011 was a good year. It had its up and downs but what year doesn't. As for me, what ever pains come up, my family and I move on and don't let it bother us. Thank you my reviewers for checking this story out and giving out much needed advice and tips on the subject matter of this tale.
It really does not take a scientist to figure out the warning signs. In this case, Finny for all his short comings, is very perceptive on certain things when it needs to be. Enjoy the story and give your support to Ciel.
Stage 5: Mood Swings
Step 2: Depression and Desperation
There were certain subjects that one had to go about carefully when it cames to working for Ciel Phantomhive. Now Ciel was by no means abusive but he did have a quick temper and sharp tongue to add to his sardonic wit. In spite of his haughty attitude, the young Earl did care for his family and the servants that worked for him. Finny paced back and forth in the halls. How would he voice his concerns? (1) He had noticed the Earl's strange behavior the past weeks; the strenuous exercise via; running, jump-roping, the frequent "bathroom breaks", including the unexpected lack of desserts in his diet.
Finnian was not the only one to notice the change. Mey-Rin and Bard saw it as well. So far , only the crimson-haired maid confronted him about it. Finny decided he would spy on Ciel that night. It was shocking to say the least. He could only watch his master hang his head over the toilet to spew his insides. It was heartbreaking that the Earl would cause himself much suffering. The same Earl who saved him from his prison and gave him a job working as a gardener. He was also thankful to Sebastian. Looking back, he was pretty sure he looked like a skeleton, with his bald head and thin body. Now the tables have reversed.
Since Ciel began his "diet" he looked so much thinner. Ciel had always been thin however it seems it wasn't good enough. Plus the fact that Ciel had become even more hostile toward Sebastian. Finny closed his eyes and breathed deeply.
"Alright, I will go and set it straight with Ciel. I don't care if I get fired as a result. This must be done", the usually gentle strongman stated.
Finny approached the doors of his master's office. He twiddled his fingers. If he went in too soon, Ciel would reprimand him for trying to rip the doors of its hinges and interrupting him during his work. Finny clenched his fists. This might turn rather ugly but he had to try. He leisurely walked in front of the cherry-wood doors and shakily knocked on them.
"Knock" "Knock" "Knock" An irrated voice responded
"Who dares interrupt me while I am in the process of filling out important documents? If it is Sebastian, whatever you have to say, say it then get out!" Finny flinched. He gulped.
"Um, actually it is me, Finnian, master. I would like to h-h-have a w-w-w-word with you if you would hear it", Finny spoke nervously.
"Oh, well come in then", Ciel responded from behind the door. Finny wiped his brow with the back of his hand and crept the doorknobs open. He shut the doors behind him, softly of course. The room had an aura of gloom and obscurity. It was rather dark for Ciel had the curtains drawn. The only light available were set inside candelabras on top of small wooden desks. However that did little to subdue the gardener's anxiety. His eyes locked onto his intended objective. In front of him was Ciel signing papers with a fine-quill pen.
"He is so focused. I should not disturb him. No, I came here to talk some sense into the stubborn brat", Finny thought. He would never name Ciel a brat out loud.
Finnian walked over to the desk and took a good look at his master. Even in such limited light it was plain to see. (2) For one, Ciel's face was gaunter, his skin was paler. His hair that had once been soft and shiny to the touch was now ashy and dry. This certainly wasn't his master. Ciel stared intently at Ciel ceasing his work.
"Yes, Finnian, can I help you?", he inquired his fidgety servant. Finnian pursed his lips.
"Young master, I know you don't like being disturbed when handling important documents or discussing matters with Sebastian but hear me out". Ciel just glanced at him placing his head over his fingers. Finnian may have been a bit of an idiot and sort of a klutz in the kitchen and garden, but he knew exactly when to bite his tongue. Finny frown at Ciel preparing himself for what was to come.
"Young Earl Phantomhive, forgive me for being presumptuous but I cannot idly stand by while you teeter on the verge of self-destruction".
Ciel quirked his visible brow. What was Finny chatter on about? Finny sighed. Apparently he would have to break it up to him…brutally.
"I know what you are doing at night my lords. Quite frankly, it bothers me a ton, my lord," he stated sarcastically causing Ciel to stiffen his posture.
"And it is not just me who notices. Sebastian, Mey-Rin, Bardroy, heck even (3) Tanaka-sama have grown suspicious. They don't know about the purging and thank god they don't because if they did, they would not only talk you out of it, they would place you head first into a rehabilitation clinic". Finny stared at Ciel sadly. Ciel stiffened in his chair. He was so careful but now it seems even Finny decided to be nosy. Ciel glared at Finnian.
"I am not aware of what possessed you to develop the gall to pry into my private business and lecture me on them, but I think it wise for you to drop it and pay more attention to your tasks like you are supposed to", Ciel snarled fixing a stony glare on his unyielding gardner.
"No, sir Phantomhive, I don't think I will", Finnian countered plopping his palms on the desk giving Ciel his own intimidating glare. Both youths stared the other down, neither backing down. In the back of Ciel's mind, if Finny wanted to he could knock him down on his ass and beat him horribly.
Finnian suddenly slammed his fist down on the desk breaking it in half.
"God blast it, Ciel. Have you looked at yourself lately? When was the last time you weighed yourself. By the way how much do you weight?", he yelped at him.
Ciel sighed. (4) I weigh an approximate 47 kilos, why?" I'm actually 45 kg. at this point. Finny's face turned back to its original color relieved.
"Alright, master I suppose that is a reasonable weight for one your size", Ciel glared at that statement, "but if it gets to be any lower, I will be forced to resort to drastic measures". Ciel glared at him again and crossed his arms.
"Finnian, remember your place. I will forgive you for coming here and breaking my desk in half with your super-strength. However I will not be so lenient the next time you come in here unannounced. In all actuality 47 kilograms is a fine weight for my height. If I weigh more or less is up to me. You may go now and try not to break the door on your way out".
Finny stood there with his fist shaking. He gritted his teeth. He turned away from the Earl not knowing what would happen if he stayed. He feared he might do something he may later well regret. "As you wish, my lord, he stated sarcastically. With that he slammed the door without having broken them.
(Inner conflict: Ciel's subconscious vs. his brain. Two separate entities in his troubled mind)
Ciel sighed as he glimpsed at the remains of his cherry-wood desks and the papers scattered all across the carpet. Guess this meant he would have Sebastian or Tanaka order a new desk for him, preferably one that could withstand Finny's wrath. For now, he would finish his paperwork at the dining room table. He had avoided the room for weeks but now it seemed inevitable, thanks to Finny. He sat in his armchair fighting an internal battle within himself; his brain and his subconscious.
"These buffoons are just jealous because we are thinner than they are. They want us to get fat again so they can spout another tawdry joke at us. Beside Sebastian did say we need to lose weight so that is what we are doing. Now they want us to gain weight. Make up your blasted minds already!
His brain had other ideas:
How do you think you are fooling, Ciel? Finny is right. You continue anymore and you will drop dead before the contract is over. You are no closer to finding your families killer. How exactly is losing weight going to help?
"Well it would enable me to run faster and train better. Plus if I do find those bastards I could catch up to them. Plus (5) Nina Hopkins could fit me into any new clothing she makes for me", he persuaded himself.
"Pfft"That crazy lady measured you last time and she never once said anything about you being fat. She told you that you looked thinner from the last time she saw you. You were so content and proud of the way you were so what changed, I wonder?" his brain scoffed.
Ciel had nothing to respond with. His brain had a point. He never put consideration on his weight before the gala. Nina told him he was thin. Alistair had called his feminine form "little robin". It would encompass the conversation with Sebastian that had brought him to becoming a little more self-conscious in the first place. It was also the onslaught of his fellow noblemen/noblewomen. It was not that he did not receive some from them anyway. It was just a mortal blow to his tattered ego.
"Is it really wrong that I be more health conscious? Not just for myself but to ensure my families good image. The Phantomhive men have always been slim, handsome, straight-laced, proper human beings adored by all. My father was slim, I will too", he exclaimed putting a fist to his chest.
His subconscious piped up again after staying silent.
"That is absolutely right. If you didn't weigh so much to begin with, Sebastian would not have brutalized you and you would have avoided humiliation at the gala by your pretentious braggart of a cousin and every noble. Am I correct?" he smirked.
This time his brain had no rebuttle. He knew now that Ciel was beyond reason.
"I told Finnian that I was approximately 47 kilos. I will stop when I reach the 40 kilogram mark. I mean that won't be too much, will it? (A/N: Oh, Ciel you have no idea "shakes head"). Now to pick up these papers and get them done". So he got off his seat and gathered up all the papers on the floor.
Finny was pissed. His master was so freaking daft. How could he do such a revolting thing to himself? Finnian didn't get angry often but when he did, it was best to clear the way.
"I need to hurry out of the mansion before I smash something or someone in my wake", he huffed and rushed outside the large mansion.
Finny finally reached his favorite spot in the whole manor: the garden. It had been his favorite relaxation spot since Ciel had given it to him to take care of. It gave him a sense of purpose and never in a day did it make him feel like a caged animal. The March winds blew around him. However, the peace and cool feel of the winds could not simmer down his anger at the earlier events that transpired.
"If master thinks I am just going to lie down and allow him to continue this atrocity, he is sorely mistaken. What's next dieting pills?" he asked sarcastically to no one in particular.
"I would suspect so if nothing else", a voice replied unexpectedly startling Finny. He saw it was Bard. He was pulling a wheelbarrow that held fertilizer bags and an axe.
"Geez-Louis, Bard you scared me nearly half to death!" he exclaimed patting his chest to calm his rapidly beating heart. Bardroy grinned waving his free hand.
"Sorry Finny, I tried to find you earlier but you weren't anywhere to be found so I decided to take over your work quota for you before getting onto my task. By the way where were you that was more important?"
Finny sighed stuffing his hands in his pockets. This was a secret that could absolutely "not" get out in the open.
"It is Master Phantomhive. Have you seen him lately? He is practically a walking corpse! To make matters worse, he is skipping lots of meals and treats it like it's no big deal!" Bard quirked his brows and grinned at his friend's spectacle.
"Aren't you exaggerating a bit, Finny? He could be under a lot of stress what with business deals and what not. Young lads like him go through transitions between weight loss and weight gain. When I was a soldier, my men and I would go for days without food. Although, some of the food would make us sick in the end", he pondered as an afterthought. Finny felt the anger that had simmered down begin to manifest again.
"Bard, this is not the time for any of your army brat stories! Our master is being very very stupid. And I am not talking about intelligence, it is about his physical welfare!", he yelled fist shaking, and teeth gritted. Bardroy was surprised at Finny's change in demeanor. Then again lots of changes were taking place that never done so before. Ciel's new diet, Mey-Rin's clumsiness; wait that was normal, the dining room table layed empty, now Finny. He stared at his shorter comrade. (6) This was not the Finny he had come to know and respect. Something changed him.
"Okay, Finny if not stress and puberty then what do you think it is?", Bard inquired slightly frustrated.
"As if you can miss the symptoms; First, his hair has become dry and dull, second his skin is pallid, thirdly, his fingernails are brittle. I probably am foolish for telling you this but last week I saw him…" Finny lips quivered and glanced up at Bardroy. Bard was shocked at the new sight; Finny was crying. Not the "I stubbed my toe kind of tears" or "I am a lost child, can you help me get home" kind. These tears were that of someone who saw something terrible or traumatizing.
"I saw young master…purging! There, you happy now?" Finny cried out angrily.
He then put his hands over his sobbing. Bard's eyes bulge nearly out of their sockets. Sweet, trustworthy, happy Finny who could never break down from anything no matter how difficult was standing in front of him bawling. He wanted to go over there and give him a reassuring hug (A/N: I know how you feel. But I wouldn't stop with the hug. I would pick him up, tuck him in bed, and read him a nice bedtime story ). Bardroy was struck still with the new revelation. Ciel was bulimic? It was not possible. Sure it was difficult getting him to eat anything now a days but now this?
"Have you told anyone else about this? Sebastian or Tanaka maybe?" he inquired his still sobbing friend. Finny stopped for a moment glancing at Bard with red eyes.
"N-N-N-No, just you. Mey-Rin is not aware about the purging and is probably best she doesn't. I want to keep this a low profile as much as possible". By now Finny had wiped both his eyes dried though his eyes remained red and puffy.
"Keep what on low profile as much as possible, might I assume", a suave voice inquired. Both men jumped and turned around to face the source of the voice. It was Sebastian with his arms crossed and his brows fixed upwards.
"U-U-Uh, you know, the uh, well that is to say uh" they stuttered simultaneously. Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Never mind. Just finish your tasks. I am in no mood for any nonsense. Now go you two", he replied putting edge into this words. Both blondes nodded and ran off to their respective work stations. Sebastian shook his head. It was pretty pointless since he would probably have to step in and fix things as usual. It was nerve wracking dealing with humans. They were inferior to demons. Yet, that is not the reason he was irritated. Now demons have the uncanny ability to sense changes in their environment or anything otherworldly. Sebastian had begun to take notice of changes happening in the mansion. For one the servants were fidgety; more so than usual. Tanaka was ignorant of it all, and his bocchan. Ciel was a real cause for concern. He had noticed the abnormal changes in his master.
Ciel had isolated himself in his office throwing himself into paperwork. He would order food personally from him then tell him to get out. Sebastian was unnerved to say the least. His master was usually content to have him around now it seemed he couldn't stand seeing him. He knew Ciel could be hostile but not like this. The dark butler scratched the back of his head.
"Perhaps what I said the night of the gala must have perturbed him. Alas listen to me, I should not feel any remorse for what I said being a demon and all. I should not feel any remorse for if say the wrong thing or not. Is it not I who taught Ciel how to be a proper Earl? He should know what to expect in situations where it requires him to be strong mentally and emotionally".
Sebastian stared up at the evening sky. The clouds were so much like his bocchan; light, innocent, shifting wherever the winds may carry them. And fragile. All it took was a tiny change like a gust, or a strong wind current and they could disappear forever thus giving way to new clouds. Unfortunately humans weren't replaceable like that. That boy had been through so much and if pushed too hard, he could break apart. The butler sighed. If something happened to his young maste, he didn't know what he or anyone else would do.
"Bocchan, do regain your senses before they fail on you", Sebastian exhaled.
Sebastian had gone back inside the mansion to attend to things in the library. He was currently carrying a bucket with some dusting rags and oil for the furniture. He set out to clear the books from the columns when he noticed a person in the corner of his peripheral. He swiftly spun around.
"Ahh, bocchan I did not notice you there. When did you get here?", he asked perplexed to see his master in the library and not in his office.
"Finnian broke yet another one of my desks so I had to move here and finish my work. Is that a problem?", the Earl inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"No, bocchan it is not. However, I do not believe it would be wise for you to stick around for when I start dusting the book columns. The dust might badly affect your allergies".
Ciel said nothing and went back to his duties. Sebastian frowned. Once again, he ignores him. He was super careful not to let any dust fly into the air as he dusted and cleared the book shelves whilst taking occasional glances at the young Earl. In the midst of cleaning one of the many shelves, he noticed a book set on the table where the stacks of paper sat. Quietly, he glided down and picked up the book and read the cover: "Useful Tips For Effective Dieting Techniques: A guide to achieving perfection ". Sebastian scoffed in silent disgust. How did this filth get into their library? Probably from when Ciel went to the city library with Elizabeth. Suddenly the book was snatched from his hands. Ciel glared at him holding the book to his chest.
"I advise you to keep your nose out of my personal affairs and focus on your dusting", he snapped.
"Forgive me bocchan but this is a library and since I am the one cleaning it, it is my duty to take note of every book that makes its way into your families library", he emphasized pointedly. Ciel glared at him unable to argue with said logic.
"Just as soon as I finish the rest of these papers here, I will need you to purchase a new desk for my office, maybe a much stronger one" he ordered not taking his eyes of his papers.
"I will gladly get on that this later but now the library demands my attention", Sebastian insisted dusting as he did. The library is not the only thing that demands your attention, thought Ciel coarsely.
Both continued to finish their tasks in quiet. A scribble here and there on paper signified Ciel was hurriedly finishing up the last of his documents.
"There and done, he exclaimed slamming the fine quill pen on the table. He stretched himself and slouched slightly. "It took forever but it was worth it, but despite Sebastian's intrusion there was no fuss", he thought.
"Would you like to me to get those for you and file them, bocchan? So you can hurry on over to the dining table for dinner?", asked Sebastian looking over his shoulder. Ciel stiffened and shook. Had Sebastian found out? He would just have to play coy for the time being.
"No thank you, I will do that myself. You just continue what you are doing", he replied waving his hand behind him picking up the documents and his book on the way.
"As you wish bocchan," Sebastian whispered and continued with his work. If one looked closely, you would see a hint of sadness in their depths.
Ciel scurried out of the library taking his book with him. He halted and laid his back against the wall breathing hard.
"That was too bloody close. Next time I won't be so fortunate. These servants of mine are getting so nosy telling me what I am doing is wrong. What is so wrong about being fit and attractive? It is getting too dangerous sneaking about like this. Now what am I to do about dinner? I know I cannot avoid the dining room forever."
Ciel headed to his bath chamber. A bath would be nice. Not wasting time he went inside his personalized bathroom, prepared his bath, stripped off his clothes, and settled himself into the calming waters. He laid there for several seconds then went to go wash himself. After he was done, he tied a towel around his waist and stopped to look inside the large mirror. He was slightly horrified but impressed. Ciel's stomach was sucked in, some ribs were poking out, his skin was pale and blotchy, his hair was no longer shiny despite the water that dripped from it, and his eyes (A/N: He took off the patch) had dark circles under them, they looked bloodshot even. He continued staring at his reflection. Then his mouth formed a twisted deranged smile.
"Absolutely perfect, Ciel. Just a few more and you'll look amazing. On the other hand, I probably should lay off the purging for a while. It really is a pain in the ass to puke my guts out every night. Plus it is starting to burn my throat. Still there must be an alternative".
The Earl crossed his arms and stood there thinking. At that moment, he suddenly recalled something from an earlier "business transaction". (7) Damian may have been an idiot but he sure did know how to acquire some "good stuff" as he called it. He opened up the cabinets above the sink and pulled out a bottle. The label read "Diet pills". He never had a use for them thinking he could turn them over to the police but was soon forgotten. So they pretty much stayed there. He stared at his reflection and frowned. If that is what it took then so be it. Without thinking he opened the bottle, took two pills and plopped them in his mouth. He swallowed them. This could do for now. He would still eat food and still avoid unwanted calories. As he put on new clothes he made a declaration.
"The Phantomhive name will not be brought to shame because I cannot manage my weight properly. No, Ciel Phantomhive will be thin. And he will surpass the expectations of The Ton and what is expected of men in my generation. Just you wait London, the Earl will not let you drag him down!
So now Ciel is popping pills. It just gets worse, doesn't it? I know Finny acted OOC but who could blame him? The whole discussion about demons has long been debated amongst the centuries. I just wanted to put a little input on Sebastian's character. As for the book, I couldn't think of a better title. Yes they have diet pills even back then, though they were more primitive in comparison. Not to mentions complications. Sit tight and see what happens next.
Footnotes:
(1) One of few warning signs of anorexia. Those trips to the bathroom are meant for puking.
(2) More symptoms: gaunt facial features, blotchy skin, dry brittle hair, mood swings, dark under-eye circles.
(3) It occurred to me I have not at all mentioned Tanaka-san. Former head butler now taking back seat to Sebastian. Alas proof of how looks play out in society.
(4) In U.S. metrics: approx. 103 lbs. Ciel actually weights 101 lbs.
(5) Nina Hopkins is the eccentric tailor lady who refers to Sebastian as "Mr. Stiff". Featured in Vol. 8 of manga.
(6) Finny is a little OC. Who can blame him? What would you feel if you saw someone destroying themselves like that?
(7) Damian is the scam artist from Episode 1 who was smuggling illegal drugs and tried to embezzle money from Ciel for a non-existent company.
Next Chapter: Ciel's disorder progresses intensely. Sebastian becomes frustrated. A dinner with the Earl's family prompts a breakdown.