CHAPTER 3
Tsurumaru poured Mikazuki a cup of tea, doing his best to make the environment as comfortable as possible. Roughly a week had passed since the breakup, and though it was now common knowledge throughout the house, Mikazuki had yet to discuss the unexpected split with his best friend, Tsurumaru.
However, this wasn't for lack of trying. Tsurumaru had been attempting to have this conversation since the moment word reached his ear. It was hard enough dodging questions from everyone else in the household, but talking to Tsurumaru was different. Mikazuki couldn't lie to him, nor could he pretend that he wasn't slightly perturbed by his current single status. Tsurumaru would see right through him, and like a dog with a bone, he would press Mikazuki until he found the truth.
"So," Tsurumaru said, bringing his cup to his lips and blowing on the steaming liquid. "How are things?"
"Fine," Mikazuki replied, shifting uncomfortably on the mat.
"Are you sure? You look a bit tired. Have you been sleeping properly?"
"Mmhmm," Mikazuki answered, taking a sip of his tea.
"So I guess I'm just imagining those dark circles under your eyes?"
"I said I'm fine, Tsuru-chan," Mikazuki replied, smiling as convincingly as possible. "And frankly, I'm tired of explaining that to everyone."
"Understandable," Tsurumaru said, pinning Mikazuki with a knowing look. "But it's obvious that you're not fine. You're unusually pale, there are circles underneath your eyes, and you don't leave your room unless you have chores. Look at me, Mika-chan," he ordered, setting his cup on the table. "When was the last time you ate anything? Can you even remember? You haven't come to dinner in like a week, and Cook says you send all your meal trays back untouched."
"I can't help it if I'm not hungry," he answered tightly, irritated that his every move was being scrutinized. "And just because you don't see me eat, doesn't mean I'm not."
"What about yesterday?" Tsurumaru said, sitting back on his heels. "Yoshi said you collapsed in the market. He had to carry you back!"
"I was dehydrated," Mikazuki retorted. "It was unusually hot for an autumn day, and I wasn't drinking like I should have been. We were stacking 100 pound bags of rice in the blazing sun for like 6 hours. I over did it, that's all."
Tsurumaru shook his head in frustration. "I'm trying to help you, Mika-chan. We all are. You don't have to pretend to be okay, especially since it's so apparent that you're not."
"I'm. Fine," Mikazuki insisted, setting his cup down. Though he tried to hide the tremble of his hand, the glass rattled against the tabletop, causing tea to spill onto the polished wood. "I don't know why everyone just assumes I'm falling apart. Yes, it hurts. And yes, I'm sad. But I'm dealing with it, okay? Kogitsune has moved on and eventually I will, too. Until then, I would really appreciate it if everyone would stop making such a big deal about it. People breakup all the time. Surely there are more important things for you all to concern yourselves with than my love life, or the lack thereof."
"Mika-chan, no one cares about your love life. It's you we're worried about. You're not taking care of yourself, not to mention you're more forgetful than usual. For god's sake, you left your sword in the bath house yesterday!"
"I was going back to get it."
Tsurumaru rolled his eyes. "You were about to leave for a mission without it. Why do you think Master pulled you off the team?"
"Anyone could have made the same mistake," Mikazuki shrugged.
"No, Mika-chan," Tsurumaru said dryly. "No one else but you would have done that."
"Well, my forgetfulness has nothing to do with my breakup," Mikazuki replied, waving his hand dismissively. "Kogitsune and I had a good run, and I was as shocked as anyone that it ended, especially since things were so perfect in our relationship. Still, that doesn't mean I'm…"
Mikazuki caught the flash of surprise in Tsurumaru's eyes.
"What's that look for?" Mikazuki asked curiously.
Tsurumaru frowned, chewing on his bottom lip nervously.
"Whatever it is, just say it," Mikazuki demanded, his voice laced with a tremor of panic. "Did you know he was going to break up with me? Did everyone know except for me?"
Tsurumaru looked torn. There was clearly something he wanted to say, but for some reason he was hesitating.
"What aren't you telling me?" Mikazuki hissed.
"I don't think now is the right time to discuss this."
"Tsuru-chan, so help me…"
"Alright, alright," Tsurumaru said, sighing in defeat. "I want you to be honest with me, Mika-chan," he continued. "But more importantly, I want you to be honest with yourself. Did you really believe things were perfect between you and Kogi-san?"
"Of course they were," Mikazuki replied without hesitation. "We were happy. Blissfully so."
Tsurumaru winced at Mikazuki's response, wringing his hands on the table.
"What?" Mikazuki asked. "You don't think we were?"
"Well," Tsurumaru answered carefully. "I think you were happy. And I think Kogi-san was happy for a while. But…"
"But what?"
Tsurumaru's gaze flitted to the table. "Mika-chan, your break up with Kogi-san isn't exactly… surprising. In fact, I'm shocked you two made it this far. Everyone in the house is actually. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Mitsu-kun even had a pool going to see how long you and Kogi-san would last. Saniwa-sama bet 6 months exactly. I still can't believe how much money he won."
Mikazuki chuckled humorlessly, nodding his head and trying to seem amused despite the fact he wanted vomit all over the floor.
"So you all just assumed we would fail," Mikazuki said. "Is that it?"
Tsurumaru sighed heavily, taking hold of Mikazuki's hand. "It was wrong of us to make light of your relationship with Kogi-san, but it doesn't change the fact that the reason you're here now is because of your actions and no one else's."
"I wasn't the one who ended things. Kogitsune…"
"Kogi-san left you because you're selfish and childish."
"That's not true, I…"
"You also have to be right all the time, and you hate losing so much that you cheat so you can win."
"Okay, so maybe I'm a bit…"
"And the way you treat him is just… shameful! Do you know he used to wake up before sunrise so he could finish your chores and his before lunch? We used to make fun of him all the time, but he didn't care. He said it was the only way you two would have enough time to spend together."
"Oh, that's just not true!"
Tsurumaru stared at Mikazuki incredulously. "You didn't do chores for like 4 months, Mika-chan. How else did you think they were getting done?"
"I knew he was doing them, I just…"
"Didn't care?"
"How can you say that? Of course I cared, but I didn't ask him to do those things for me. He did them because he wanted to."
"No, he did them because what takes any normal Sword 20 minutes to do, takes you an hour and a half. Left to your own devices, you'd be doing chores from sun up to sun down. Rather than wait for hours in the blazing sun, hoping you'd be done with stable duty before dinner, Kogi-san decided it would be easier to do your work for you. Hence, more time for you two to spend together."
"So that's why he broke up with me? Because he had to do my chores?"
"No," Tsurumaru said impatiently. "He broke up with you because you treated him like crap. Because instead of saying thank you for all the wonderful and thoughtful things Kogi-san did for you, you acted like none of it mattered. It's clear to anyone with eyes and a brain how much you love him, Mika-chan, but did you ever stop to tell him that?"
Mikazuki started to speak, but stopped when he realized he'd never actually said those words to his ex-lover. Kogitsune had confessed his love every waking moment of every single day, and each time he said the words, "I love you," Mikazuki's heart would stutter through a beat. It was amazing how those three simple words could change the day, filling Mikazuki with an endless stream of warmth and joy.
Mikazuki had considered saying those words in return, but the thought of doing so made him panic. Confessing his love would open a door that Mikazuki wasn't entirely sure he wanted to walk through. People had a tendency to do stupid things under the guise of love, and Mikazuki refused to be one of them. Besides, he liked his relationship exactly as it had been: Passionate and wild, fiery and carefree. Adding love into the mix would have only complicated things.
"I know you," Tsurumaru continued in a solemn voice, "and I know you love Kogi-san. But admitting that aloud would make it real. And that terrifies you. It would mean there's someone in this world that you can rely on other than yourself. It means opening your heart and letting him in; letting him see you and all your flaws. You would be vulnerable then, hoping and praying that he doesn't discover the truth you've worked so hard to hide behind your fake smiles and hollow laughter."
Mikazuki was struck speechless for several seconds, every word from Tsurumaru's lips slicing him to the bone. "Th-that's not true," he stammered.
"It is," Tsurumaru replied quietly. "It's the terrible, horrible, god honest truth. Do you understand now? Do you see why he left you? Kogi-san would have given you the world, Mika-chan. He would've have plucked the moon from the sky if it meant your happiness. He loved you, sincerely and truly."
It was then that Mikazuki felt the finality of it all. Some small part of him had believed Kogitsune would come back to him, realizing he'd made a mistake in leaving. This was a humbling moment for Mikazuki, because he suddenly realized it wasn't Kogitsune who'd made the mistake, but him…
"I'm not telling you this to make a bad situation worse," Tsurumaru said, the tone of his voice softening. "I want you to be happy, Mika-chan. But until you understand and accept where you went wrong with Kogi-san, you'll never be able to move on and truly be happy with anyone else."
"I don't want to be happy with anyone else," Mikazuki replied, unable to stop the confession from slipping from his lips.
"You say that now," Tsurumaru replied, patting Mikazuki's hand comfortingly. "But time has a way of easing the pain. You're going to make it through this, Mika-chan, I promise. But if you don't make a change now, you'll be right back here with the next guy, making the same mistakes as before."
"There isn't going to be a next guy," Mikazuki reiterated, his voice oddly calm despite the fact his heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest, stomped on repeatedly, then put neatly back in place.
"There will be," Tsurumaru said, giving Mikazuki a reassuring smile. "Not now and probably not anytime soon. But one day it won't hurt so much. The struggle is getting there."
"How?" Mikazuki whispered, ashamed of the tremor in his voice. "How do I get there when every day I have to see him walking around the house like he hasn't got a care in the world? I'm the only one suffering right now, and even though it's my fault, it's still not fair. Why am I the only one who's hurting?"
"You don't know what Kogi-san is going through," Tsurumaru replied. "Perhaps he's just better at hiding the pain. Either way, you can't keep torturing yourself like this. For one, you need to eat," he emphasized. "And sleep, believe it or not, is pretty important."
"The smell of food makes me nauseous. And sleep… it comes and goes."
"Things will get better, Mika-chan. You have to believe that. But for now, I think you should go and see the Healer. There's no shame in asking for help, and he might have something to make sleep. Eating might be harder, but if you could just try and take a bite or two at each meal, maybe your appetite will return."
Mikazuki nodded. "I'll go see him now."
"Good," Tsurumaru replied, climbing to his feet and clearing the table. "I'll walk you down there. After, we can grab a snack."
"It's okay. I can make it there on my own."
"Are you sure?" Tsurumaru asked worriedly. "I know what I said was harsh, but I'm still here for you no matter what."
"I know," Mikazuki replied, forcing himself to smile. "And I appreciate it. But right now I need some time to… to process."
Tsurumaru bit his lip, this amber eyes filled with concern. He wanted to argue, but Mikazuki didn't give him a chance to.
"I don't need a babysitter," Mikazuki said, forcing a chuckle. "I'll go straight to the Healer. You have my word."
"What about after? Will you at least join me for lunch?"
"How about dinner instead?" Mikazuki offered. "Right now, I'd prefer sleep over food."
Tsurumaru chewed the inside of his cheek, staring skeptically down at him. Mikazuki couldn't stand the look of pity in his friend's eyes. He didn't want anyone to feel sorry for him, and every time he left his room he could feel the rueful stares and hear the empathetic whispers. It's why he'd kept to himself the past several days.
"Okay," Tsurumaru conceded. "Dinner it is. But you have to promise to eat all your food, otherwise, the bet is off, and I go with you to see Hitoshi-sama."
"I'll clean the entire plate, I swear."
"I'll see you at dinner then," Tsurumaru said, moving towards the exit. "And remember, straight to the Healer."
"I'll be right behind you," Mikazuki replied.
True to his word, Mikazuki left the tea house a few minutes after Tsurumaru. He had every intention of going to the Healer, he really did. He wasn't in the habit of lying, especially not to his best friend. But when Mikazuki decided to take a detour through the elaborate garden that wrapped around his Master's estate, the little hope he'd managed to salvage during his conversation with Tsurumaru evaporated in the span of one strangled breath.
He spotted Kogitsune sitting underneath the canopy of a large maple tree. His long white hair fell over his shoulders, the silken strands blowing gently in the cool breeze. The smile on his handsome face snatched the air from Mikazuki's lungs, making the next breath impossible to take.
Perched at Kogitsune's side was a lovely brunette, her dark locks pulled over her right shoulder and obscuring what was no doubt a beautiful face. Kogitsune must have said something funny, because the soft lilt of the woman's laughter reached Mikazuki's ears.
At first glance, the entire scene appeared completely innocent. The two could have run into each other on the garden path and stopped to chat. But as Mikazuki took in all the little details, he noticed the picnic basket sitting beside Kogitsune's bent knee, the pale blue blanket the two sat on, and the flower tucked lovingly behind the woman's ear. The very same type of flower Kogitsune used to bring Mikazuki every afternoon. The flower he'd adamantly refused to tuck behind his ear on any number of occasions.
Mikazuki realized then that he'd stumbled upon an intimate moment between lovers, and when Kogitsune reached out to cup the woman's cheek, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lush pink lips, his suspicions were confirmed. Frozen in shock and crippled by anguish, Mikazuki remained rooted on the stone path. Unable to tear his eyes away, he watched in muted horror as Kogitsune and the woman kissed.
One… Two… Three…
Mikazuki counted the seconds their lips remained locked, each tick of the invisible clock pounding an imaginary spike deeper and deeper into his heart.
Kogitsune finally broke the kiss, pulling back just long enough to whisper something to the dark-haired beauty. She laughed her whimsical laugh again, but as Kogitsune leaned in to continue their kiss, his crimson gaze caught sight of Mikazuki's rigid form.
They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, but when Kogitsune moved to stand, Mikazuki held up his hand to stop him. Digging deep into the bowels of his soul, Mikazuki, by the grace of whatever god happened to be paying attention, pasted a smile onto his face. He bowed to Kogitsune, hoping to express both concession and acceptance. It was his way of saying, "It's over, and I'm glad you found someone else to give your heart to."
This of course wasn't what Mikazuki felt at all. And as he turned to leave, the smile on his lips slid to ground and shattered at his feet. He felt hollow and empty, the cool breeze seeming to flow through him rather than around him. In that moment, Mikazuki felt nothing. It was like his mind, in its infinite wisdom, shut down the part that processed emotion, allowing him to exist in a place where the pain couldn't touch him.
Mikazuki walked right passed the Healing room, taking a right before he reached the kitchen and making his way to his Master's chambers. Izo Yamamoto, the Saniwa sage Mikazuki had pledged his sword to, opened the door just as Mikazuki was about to knock.
"Mikazuki, is everything alright?" Izo asked, his brow furrowing in concern. "You look… ill."
Mikazuki smiled, the act so fluid and seamless that even he believed it was genuine. "I came to ask a favor."
"Okay," Izo said, pulling open the door and gesturing Mikazuki inside. "How can I be of assistance?"
"There's no need for me to come in, Master," Mikazuki replied. "This won't take long. I came to ask when the next mission is, and if you would allow me to go."
It'll be at least another two weeks before any of us see battle again," he said, the creases in his forehead deepening.
"What about expeditions? Are there any scheduled in the near future?"
"There's on leaving tomorrow, but Yoshi-kun has already volunteered to lead it."
"That's fine," Mikazuki replied casually. "I don't need to be Captain. I'd just like to accompany them."
"Tachis aren't usually sent on expeditions, Mikazuki. You know that. You need to conserve your strength for battle."
"But you said it yourself, Master. We're not scheduled for battle for the next couple of weeks. I could go on the expedition and still have plenty of time to recover for a possible mission." Izo started to protest, but Mikazuki cut him off. "It's just an expedition," he continued. "How much energy would I expend gathering supplies?"
Izo sighed, the look in his pale green eyes a sign he was considering Mikazuki's request.
"How about this?" the sage suggested. "Lady Suizaku is leading a 3 month campaign in Edo. She could use another capable Sword, and I've no doubt she'd welcome your expertise. Unfortunately, her teams are set and her Captains are chosen, so you won't be in a leadership position."
"That's quite alright, Master. I can follow orders as well as any soldier. When does Suizaku- sama intend to depart?"
"This afternoon," Izo replied. "Which means you should've been ready yesterday."
"I'll prepare immediately," Mikazuki replied, bowing graciously.
"Good. In the meantime, I'll send word to Suizaku. Rather than take you to her estate, I'll send you straight to the campaign site. I'll open a portal in about an hour. Can you be ready by then?"
"Yes, Master."
Izo nodded. "Then it's settled. I'll meet you in the courtyard."
"Thank you, Master," Mikazuki replied, keeping his carefully constructed smile in place. "I'll go now and prepare."