Happy Birthday, WhatToDoAboutJess! I hope you had a lovely day!

It didn't take long to drive to Stars Hollow, though Rory barely thought about the time. She drove as quickly as she dared, in a daze, all her thoughts centered on where she needed to be. There were no cars on the road, or so it seemed to her, and in less than no time she was pulling up at the gazebo where Jess was waiting. He had his hands in his pockets, perfectly Jess.

Rory got out of her car, her legs wobbling slightly, and went over to him. She felt a little stupid, in her expensive dress, but Jess didn't say anything and she quickly forgot again.

"Hi," she said in a shaky voice. She tried to smile but failed and Jess asked in concern,

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, it's-" a rogue tear made its way down Rory's cheek and she hastily wiped it away. "I'm sorry," she said, a sob catching in her throat. "I'm sorry for calling like this."

"It's okay," Jess said softly. "What happened?"

Rory tried to say something else, to assure him that she was okay, but broke into another sob and Jess took her hand.

"Hey," he asked gently. "Do you want to get out of here?"

Rory nodded, sniffling, and he led her away from the gazebo and into a maze of streets Rory had never frequented in all her time in Stars Hollow. She glanced around as Jess stopped at one of the houses, getting a key and unlocking the door, and finally asked,

"Where are we?"

"This where I'm renting," Jess said, pushing open the door. "First floor. Come on up."

Rory silently followed him up the stairs and into the small apartment and, it was only when she was sitting in an armchair Jess had indicated at that she asked curiously,

"How come you're renting and not staying with Luke?"

"I don't know how long I'll be here," Jess said, getting a chair from the table and sitting next to her. "And I don't want to be there indefinitely, it's not fair on the guy, plus April's coming for spring break soon..."

Rory nodded and he added with a chuckle,

"Don't think he didn't try. I stayed for the first week so he didn't feel like he was being a bad uncle."

"Luke's like that," Rory said quietly and he nodded.

"He is."

Rory sat back in the chair and took in the apartment. It was small but not cramped, the kitchen leading onto the living room. The walls were lined with bookshelves of all sizes and books were piled all around the room in which they sat. The room was painted white yet the lamps and books gave it a cheerful glow. There was another room to the left with the door shut which Rory supposed was Jess's bedroom. She wanted to look inside but somehow knew not to ask. They lapsed into silence and Jess suddenly got up.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked, gesturing at the kitchen. "I've got coffee – real, not just instant."

Rory opened her mouth to accept but found herself asking,

"Do you have anything stronger?"

Jess's mouth slid into a crooked grin and he nodded, going to a cupboard and pouring Rory some whiskey.

"As you wish," he said, handing it to her and pouring himself a glass before sitting back down. "How is it? Chris from the Truncheon gave it to me, I don't know what it's like."

Rory took a sip. It was disgusting and strong and, for some reason, tasted all the better for it.

"It's perfect," she said, taking a large gulp. Jess followed suit and wrinkled his nose.

"That's a matter of opinion," he said with a cough. Rory laughed but her happiness soon abated. She looked down at her drink and sipped in silence. Jess looked at her and moved his chair closer to hers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly. Rory stared down at her drink, noticing her faint reflection in the liquid, before finally looking up at Jess and saying slowly,

"I don't know where to start."

Jess nodded, his black hair casting a shadow on his face, and said softly,

"You don't have to talk, if you don't want to."

"I called you up late at night," Rory said, the loudness of her voice surprising her. "You deserve to know why."

"It's not like that, Rory," Jess said but she laughed and shook her head.

"I should talk about it. This whole day...everything's such a mess."

Jess didn't say anything and waited for her go to on. Rory blinked back more tears which were threatening to fall and said angrily,

"I had a fight with Paris this morning."

"Paris Geller?" Jess echoed in surprise. "You still talk?"

"Yes, we roomed at college," Rory said through gritted teeth. "We had the worst fight."

"What about?" Jess asked but Rory shook her head.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jess nodded and Rory took a large drink of whiskey. It burned the back of her throat but she didn't care.

"Then I went home and Logan was being a jerk," she continued angrily. "He didn't even know he was being one and then we had to go to his mother's, and his mother is a –"

She stopped herself but Jess asked in amusement,

"A what?"

"A bitch," Rory said, shocked to hear herself say it. "A shallow, conniving bitch who hates me. There, is that good enough?"

Jess shook his head and said in an amused voice,

"Rory Gilmore, wash your mouth out with soap."

Rory giggled guiltily but it felt good to have said, to have been honest instead of holding back, having to be nice and look for Shira's impossibly good side. She sipped some more whiskey and Jess asked,

"Why is she a bitch?"

"Because," Rory said, wiping her mouth, "She thinks there's only one thing I should be doing and that's give Logan kids. She doesn't care about what I do, who I am, she hates that I married him. The only thing I'm good for is giving her grandchildren."

She wiped at her eyes and Jess asked anxiously,

"Are you -?"

"No," Rory snapped, shaking her head. "Much to everyone's disappointment, including Logan's."

"He wants kids now? What's the rush?"

"It's the prime age to have a baby!" Rory said furiously, feeling tears burn at her eyes. "Forget everything else, forget what I want, we should be having sex and making babies and getting a membership at the country club so we can use a family discount and he can go golfing with my grandfather while I just...I just..."

Her voice trailed away and Jess asked curiously,

"What do you want?"

"I don't know!" Rory sobbed, putting her drink down. "I don't know what I want! God, it's all so screwed up, I'm so fucked up, I –"

She broke into tears. Jess got up and returned with a box of tissues which Rory took gratefully, burying her face into and wiping away the worst of her tears.

"You know, everyone's right," she said, her words falling over each other. "Paris was right. I'm not doing anything and I know what I should be doing but I can't, and I'm just sitting around waiting for Logan to come home and bring him beer. It's all I'm good for."

"It's not all you're good for," Jess said quietly and Rory shook her head violently.

"Look at me, I'm a Yale graduate and I'm not working, I'm not writing, not even for myself. I'm just Logan Huntzberger's wife and I'm not even good at that, I'm messing everything up."

Rory fell silent and felt her breathe heave in and out. She expected Jess to say something, to meaninglessly correct her but instead he asked,

"What did you fight about?"

"Everything," Rory said miserably. "Tonight, his mother, me...he took her side," she added, knowing she sounded childish. "When she was telling me to stop thinking about work and start having kids – he just laughed and said I couldn't take a joke. He couldn't see how I upset I was, or he didn't care. He yelled at me."

Rory picked up her glass again and drank some more, tired of talking, but she put it down in shock as Jess asked,

"Why did you marry him?"

Rory opened her mouth to question why he was asking yet found herself saying,

"I don't know."

Jess raised his eyebrows and Rory said hastily,

"I loved him."

"That's always a good starting point," Jess joked and Rory quickly added,

"I still do, of course."

Jess nodded and she sighed, meandering into memory.

"I was graduating Yale," she said, the glass suddenly feeling hot in her hand. "And I didn't know what I was going to do afterward. Everyone had these great plans, you know? Grad school or jobs and I didn't have a clue. I got a job and I was stupid enough to turn it down because I wanted a Fellowship."

"That's not stupid."

"It is when you don't get it," Rory countered. "I felt so dumb and arrogant. Everyone had plans, had thought it through, Paris had medical school and I had nothing, not even the job I thought I was too good for. I didn't want to go to law school or something so I figured I'd just see where I went. My grandparents threw me this incredible graduation party and then, right in front of everyone, Logan proposed."

Jess stared at her, making Rory blush.

"In front of a room full of people?" he asked incredulously. "Didn't you hate that?"

"Yes," Rory said with a bitter laugh. "And I didn't give my answer in front of everyone. I took Logan aside and honestly, I was going to say that I wasn't sure – we were really young, after all, and it was a total shock – but he said all these things to me."

"What things?" Jess asked quietly and Rory bit her lip, wondering why she felt so ashamed.

"How he loved me and how he knew I loved him and how we should jump."

Jess looked at her quizzically and Rory felt her whole face turn red.

"When I was in my sophomore year," she said quickly. "I found out Logan was part of this Yale secret society called The Life and Death Brigade."

"Rich kids pulling stupid stunts?" Jess asked and Rory laughed.

"Something like that. I got talked into doing one – it was the deal for reporting about it to the paper. We got up on this huge platform, and I was wearing this incredible dress, and we jumped right off the top wearing wires and holding umbrellas. It was totally safe but I was scared and Logan told me we only live once and we should jump, so I did. It was wonderful," she said sadly, the day seeming so long ago. "It's our best memory together."

Jess nodded and Rory continued,

"He said getting married would be like that – a new adventure. I still wasn't sure but he looked so excited, so hopeful, and we'd just had a year together as a real couple, not like college kids fooling around that I said yes. I thought he would cry. We rode in this horse drawn carriage all through town and got married a year later."

"Was it?" Jess asked. "An adventure?"

"Maybe," Rory said. "But now I don't know where I am."

She picked up her glass and took a long drink of whiskey. Her head was beginning to feel light but in a good way. Jess didn't say anything and, to break the silence, she said,

"I wondered if he was trying to prove something to me. His dad made him go to London the summer after he graduated and he really worked hard – he drank less, he showed up to meetings and he flew out to surprise me. It was like he wanted me to know that he was always going to be there and not screw things up, not get himself hurt like in the accident."

"What accident?"

Rory looked at him and felt guilty.

"When I went to see you," she said slowly. "Did I tell you what Logan had done to me?"

"He was cheating on you," Jess said coldly. "And I wanted to kill him."

"Well, I wanted to kill him too," Rory said bravely. "I was so mad at him. He'd gone off with his Life and Death Brigade buddies to go diving off cliffs in South America – all safe, they said – and I told them it was dumb. Logan yelled at me for being a killjoy and I thought, as he left, I hope they mess up."

Rory took a dragged breath, feeling tears build up as she said,

"I didn't mean for them to hurt themselves – not badly. I just wanted them to know how stupid they were being and then I got a call to say Logan was in hospital and might be dying because his stunt went wrong, after all, and...and...I couldn't believe what I'd done," Rory sobbed. "What I'd thought."

"Thoughts don't make people fall off cliffs, Rory," Jess said gently. "You didn't make him do anything. You told him how stupid it was and he still did it."

"With a load of alcohol in his system," Rory said bitterly, shaking her head. "But I was still in Philadelphia, hurting him, hurting you, when he almost died!"

Tears fell freely down her cheeks and Jess asked quietly,

"Is that why you stayed with him?"

Rory looked up in shock. No one had asked her that before – no one even knew – and she said hesitantly,

"I don't know. I couldn't leave him, could I?"

"You didn't have to stay with him," Jess said in a voice which was neither scolding or sad. "You didn't owe him anything."

"He had to have someone," Rory argued. "Someone had to care for him – his family are jerks, I had to make his dad come down – and his friends are hardly the nursing type."

"He got better though," Jess said accurately. "You aren't still looking after him now."

Rory didn't know what to say. She looked at her glass and said helplessly,

"I love him."

Jess nodded and Rory wiped at her tears. She looked down at the box of tissues and laughed. Jess looked up curiously and she explained,

"This like the time in the therapy office."

"The what?"

"Oh – I had to go therapy when I went back to Yale," Rory said awkwardly. "Talk about why I dropped out."

Jess nodded. Rory expected him to ask how long she had gone for and what she'd talked about but he didn't. She drained her glass and said,

"Paris thinks I need therapy. She said I seem depressed."

She looked at Jess, wondering if he would agree or not, but he simply said,

"What do you think?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "Maybe."

Jess nodded. Rory exhaled and said,

"With the way my life's gone the past five years I must be a psychiatrist's treat."

Jess looked at her curiously but she added, in a tired voice,

"I don't think I can talk about all that right now."

Jess nodded and didn't ask any further. Rory stared at empty glass for a moment and said sadly,

"I should go, it's late."

"Rory, I don't think you should be driving right now," Jess said, concerned. "You're tired and upset and you've drunk some truly disgusting whiskey."

Rory laughed in spite of herself and said,

"Not back to Hartford – I'll go to Mom's."

"It's pretty late, Rory," Jess argued, glancing at the clock which had just struck midnight. "You could stay here."

"What?"

"It's fine – the couch is comfortable enough. I'll sleep on it," he added quickly but Rory smiled and shook her head.

"I really appreciate the offer, Jess, but I can't stay here tonight. It's fine, I won't wake Mom, I have a key and anyway, she won't mind."

"It's really not a problem, Rory."

"I know, and I'm really grateful, but I shouldn't stay over. Logan would find out."

"So?" Jess asked simply. "We haven't done anything wrong. Doesn't he trust you?"

"He wasn't crazy about us eating breakfast – I don't think he's going to understand staying over," Rory said and, seeing Jess about to argue, she added firmly, "it's better this way – you won't lose your bed and I won't fight with Logan."

Jess nodded, still looking a little uneasy, and said,

"Let me walk you over there. It's late."

"It's Stars Hollow!"

"I know," Jess agreed. "But you're upset – I don't want you to walk alone."

Rory nodded and picked up her things. They walked silently to Lorelai's house and Rory told Jess,

"Thanks for everything."

"It's no problem."

"No, I mean it," Rory insisted, hoping he knew what she meant. "For before tonight."

If Jess was confused he didn't show it. He nodded and said,

"Anytime," with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

They had reached the house and Rory got her key out of her purse.

"Rory?" Jess asked curiously. Rory turned to him and asked nervously,

"Yeah?"

"Will you tell me about rooming with Paris?" Jess asked, clearly about to laugh. "Because I want to know if what I'm picturing is as good as reality."

Rory rolled her eyes and said,

"Next time."

"Next time?" Jess asked. "I like the sound of that."

Rory smiled and kissed his cheek, wanting to hug him but holding back.

"Goodnight, Jess."

"Goodnight, Rory."

He nodded, turned and walked away and Rory watched and watched until he was swallowed by the inky black