A/N: Hopefully all the issues with uploading are sorted out now. Yesterday was frustrating! Thanks to all of those people reading, alerting, faving and my absolute, super duper personal favourite - the reviews :D Yeah I know that people are confused about the parody classification but like I said before, all will be revealed in due course. Once again this isn't beta'ed so excuse any big boo boos.
Warning: More discussion of incidence that don't present Ziva and Tim in a flattering light but hey it is all a part of canon so if it offends you then don't read it. :) Problem solved! More Tony angst I'm afraid - the guy has taken so much crap over the last eleven years that now he is finally detoxing er debriefing... it's going to get worse before it gets better and can Dr Wilder help or will he end up gibbering wreck?
Internal Conflicts
Chapter 2
Appointment two:
Now that he'd started unburdening himself, Tony found that it made him feel even more jittery and anxious than before. So much for all that crap about a trouble shared is a trouble halved. With no other alternative that he could think of though, Tony found himself turning up to the second appointment at Dr Wilder's office. He alternated between pacing up and down in the waiting-room and slumping nervously in one of the chairs. He hadn't been able to eat or sleep and Tony was seriously beginning to think that he was on the point of a mental breakdown - if he hadn't had one already. As he was starting to decompensate, the doctor stepped into the waiting-room and called his name.
"Tony would you like to step into the office?"
Tony shot up out of the chair and followed him inside and once inside, he flopped lethargically on the sofa.
"Okay Tony, I really want us to try to isolate the presenting problem if it's possible, today. If I can, I'd like to summarise what we covered yesterday and then we can go on from there. Does that suit you Tony?" The psychiatrist checked with his client, knowing that it was important for him to feel and be in control in this process.
Tony nodded. He just wanted to get on with it and learn if his 'crazy' was permanent or not.
"Good, well you mentioned that you feel like you are being compelled to behave in a manner that is out of character for you." He observed Tony to see if he was getting it right. Seeing Tony nod he kept going, paraphrasing what had been covered yesterday. "You told me how you left your job which was something that was extremely important to you, to chase after a colleague for months. Someone that you consider to be a surrogate family member and since you returned home, have been experiencing great distress because you feel like you have been acting like a lovelorn suitor when this is not how you actually feel about her. How am I doing so far?" The shrink checked in with Tony, who was listening carefully and indicated that he agreed with the doctor's statement thus far.
He proceeded stating the situation cautiously. "You also talked about the fact that the individual in question has in the past a) been abusive to you, both physically and emotionally and b) has behaved in ways that you find incongruent with your own personal code of ethics, not to mention the fact that she broke some extremely serious laws of the land. And finally, c) that in spite of this, you felt compelled to defend her and declare that she didn't do anything wrong, despite the fact that this doesn't accurately reflect your thoughts or feelings. So before we put this to the side for now, do you have any further insight into what we discussed previously?
Tony felt his stomach fluttering nervously. If Doc George didn't think he was certifiable before, he was going to be calling for the men in white coats when he heard what he had to say - but really what other choice did he have? 'Suck it up Anthony, not going sound any less bizarro tomorrow.
"Um… yeah I guess so, Doctor. Last night it occurred to me that it was like I was in some cheap romance novel except that instead of being the leading man, I'm like some lily-livered damsel in distress."
"Can you tell me a little more about exactly what you mean, Tony?" The psychiatrist asked, as he leaned forward keeping his body language open to invite more information exchange, along with his verbal language. Of course, what he was yet to appreciate, was that Tony was well aware of the rules of interviewing because of his work and a childhood dragged to shrinks to 'fix' his issues.
"Look, I know how crazy it sounds… how I sound but it's like I find myself forced to look over at the empty desk in our bullpen sighing like a teenage girl and acting like I'm devastated that Ziza stayed in Israel. I'm not… oh I'm glad she is safe and all but truth to tell, mostly I'm relieved for all the reasons already discussed. But there are lots of other reasons too - like people will have to stop trying to pair us up constantly. McGee did it first with his 'Deep Six novel' although a more accurate description would be his cheap expose disguised as fiction based on real life cases and people then given the crazy treatment i.e. Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa." He ranted, beginning calmly at first but working himself into a state - clearly incensed, as he paced up and down, his movements manic."
"In fact, as whacked out as it sounds, and trust me, I know it sounds really crazy, it feels like I am living a life that is a caricature, that someone like Gemcity has written it, and is compelling me to behave in ways that are just so freakin out of character that I can barely even recognise myself. Kinda like art imitating life in Deep Six or that Jim Carey movie where his whole life was the movie!"
The doctor responded, reassuringly. "As I said before, as unlikely as what you think you are saying sounds, I'm sure together we can find some answers. You've raised more questions than answers that we'll need to explore but first let me paraphrase the gist of what you just said to make sure I understand. Is that okay with you?" He asked as he pursed his lips and tapped his forefinger gently against them in a gesture that Tony was starting to recognise as concentration or focus.
"You essentially feel out of control and find yourself behaving in ways that are not compatible with your beliefs, values or thoughts. You feel like you are being compelled to do things that you wouldn't if you had free will… is that correct?
Tony nodded. "Yep that about covers it I guess - except that I'm acting like a helpless girl – not that there's anything wrong with being a girl if that is who you are. But it just isn't who I am, I'm pretty capable when it comes to looking after myself and yet lately, I just haven't seem to be capable to fight my way out of a wet paper bag, Doc."
George leaned in. "Can you give me more information, Tony?" He asked.
Tony thought for a while. "Whenever Ziva was around, it was like I was emasculated and incapable of looking after myself - let alone anyone else. I'm not a delicate little petal and I don't appreciate being treated as if I am." He concluded irritably. "I can look after myself, well I thought I could, I used to before I became such a joke."
The doctor looked intrigued, "Can you tell me about specific instances so I can understand better, Tony?"
"Well yeah… a few years ago when my boss went off half- cocked on his own, he needed help. He drove straight off the docks and into the harbour with a civilian in an attempt to get away from a pair of assailants who were shooting at them. I saw the car head straight into the drink, ran for the dock flat out shooting as I ran, taking out both gunman and dived into the water and freed the girl who was unconscious under the water, bringing her to the dock and going back for my boss who's legs were trapped under the steering wheel column. I somehow managed to free him, bring him to the surface and then I had to resuscitate them both."
"That is a pretty impressive feat. Not many people could do that Tony. So why do you feel weak?"
"Well to give you an example there was a bomb that exploded…actually it was the same day that my partners switched off the microphone when I was undercover. I wasn't even close to the bomb but Ziva went running towards me and knocked me over, flinging herself on top of me to protect me like I was some delicate little hothouse flower."
"Why do you think that your team mate would do such a thing? It seems to be quite incongruent with her early behaviour with her turning off the volume on your microphone when she was supposed to be watching your back. That seemed to indicate a callous disregard for your welfare." The doctor observed writing down something on his note pad: Ziva – highly erratic behaviour – what's the motivation?
Tony stopped mid rant and pondered this query for a few moments. "There was an audience – lots of people around. But most important, our boss was there and she was a probie agent and had recently been in his bad books, lying to him. So I think the most likely explanation was she was trying to impress him by looking after a team mate. Or else wanting to get back in his good books since she is like a surrogate daughter to him." Tony pictured her self-satisfied expression when she revealed that Gibbs had been teaching her to play baseball. "Maybe… she was trying to make me look incompetent." Wouldn't be the first time she'd pulled that stunt!
George nodded and dotted some more information while Tony mused aloud.
"But at least that time I was distracted, looking for the bomb and trying to save innocent school kids and their parents. There was this other time I let her, a 100 pound nothing agent force me into an elevator when we were in the middle of evacuating NCIS HQ when a bomb was going off. I know that you don't enter an elevator shaft in the event of a bomb or earthquake event and I just let her push me around like a little kid rather than her senior field agent that outranked and outweighed her. So yeah… maybe now you can see why I'm feeling weak and why I'm so concerned that I am acting so uncharacteristic?"
The doctor frowned, "Hang on, I thought you said that Ziva was a former Mossad officer and Kidon assassin?"
"Yeah … she is."
"What the Hell was someone of her professional experience doing getting into an elevator during a bomb threat, instead of using the emergency exits? That is inexcusable… were you trapped?"
"Yes but luckily the cable didn't snap and we were freed after a couple of terrifying hours not knowing what was going on."
The doctor nodded thoughtfully, writing down Ziva - death wish? on his legal pad. "Okay. Tell me about this Gemcity person and the book you mentioned…the actual book that was written, not the feeling that you have now of being trapped in a bad novel. I'm trying to get the background leading up to these feelings, if I can. It's all very convoluted."
Agreeing with that observation, Tony started giving the psychiatrist background information about how he and his team mates came to be the sources of a series of novels written without their knowledge or approval. How they found out the books when they were investigating a murder case involving his team mate's sister as a person of interest and how she let the cat out of the bag about her brother's book. He revealed how he was portrayed as swashbuckling but socially abhorrent… how he, or his alter-ego Tommy was screwing the brains out of Ziva's character, Officer Lisa.
Which he reasoned, might explain why everyone had been trying to force them together ad nauseam and why they kept calling them TISA since everyone at work knew that he was Tommy and Ziva was Lisa. How he was depicted as a boorish, skirt chaser, a dumb cop, a jock who didn't deserve to be on the same team as his more talented teammates… how he was painted as little more than comic relief. No mention in the book of his intelligence, undercover abilities, desire to protect and serve or professionalism on the job and ability to combine disparate clues to find viable leads that solved cases.
As he talked, Tony noted that his therapist was taking more notes. One of his undercover skills that came in handy was the ability to read handwriting and printed script upside down. It had helped him countless times to be able to read appointment books, hotel reception records, account books and the like. Now as he was venting…expressing himself… emoting… communicating… articulating… well anyway while he was 'sharing' he couldn't help but read the comments that Dr Wilder was writing. Betrayal of the team trust…passive aggressive much? Superiority complex... possible Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder – would explain a great deal.What were his superiors thinking?
Tony felt shocked. "You think I betrayed the team's trust and that I have a Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder?"
The psychiatrist started violently and stared at his client. "You read upside down? Okaaay… I'll have to remember that and no, Tony I don't. I was speculating about this Gemcity fellow. It is classic passive aggressive behaviour – ask the targets of the Nanny Diaries or Postcards from the Edge - to write a tell-all book about real people using a non de plume. Frankly the betrayal of trust within a team, most especially one that requires reliance and interdependence on each other to the degree that law enforcement professionals do to function safely, well it shocks me and I'm amazed that you managed to work together as a group, at all." He frowned, thinking about what could have occurred. What already had!
He sighed empathetically, before continuing. "I imagine that being described as socially abhorrent must have hurt you deeply, not to mention him describing the ME's assistant as sleeping with the dead was… well words honestly escape me. I think you're all far too forgiving, especially since your colleague made a tidy profit from his reprehensible disloyalty to the team. If a colleague knifed me in the back like that I would have ripped his balls of and fed them to him." Seeing his client's look of scepticism, he coughed self- consciously before giving a nervous chuckle. "Well alright, would you believe I would have taken him to court and sued the pants off the asshole, then?" He conceded with a shrug.
Tony nodded. "Yeah, somehow you don't strike me as the Dirty Harry type, Doc."
George sighed and looked at the clock.
"Look, our time is nearly up but I'm going go through some meditation and self- hypnosis exercises with you to help reduce the anxiety you're experiencing. Although I don't want you to take this the wrong way Tony, I think that we need to schedule another session for tomorrow."
"Is that usual Doc?" Tony asked, worried by the shrink's recommendation. Was there something really wrong with him like major 'psycho crazy,' needing a padded rubber room and a nice, comforting strait jacket crazy?
"No Tony, not usual but not unheard of either. I just need to get an idea of the presenting problem, which I still haven't manage to do yet so we can figure out how to help you start to feel in control again. There's such a lot of data to analyse. So what do you say? Are you game to return again tomorrow?"
Figuring he didn't really have much choice, he agreed before George talked him through a very basic meditation technique that Tony found challenging but he tried his best to focus on it. Deciding at that point to leave the self-hypnosis until tomorrow, the doctor finished up with his distressed and skittish new client. The psychiatrist wondered if he should give him a script for a mild antianxiety med even before he had diagnosed the presenting problem. The man was an emotional mess!