A/N Just wanted to extend thanks to those people who take the time to leave feedback. Oh and you know that you have scored a goal when writing a Tony story if you manage to provoke one of the Tony haters into complaining about him. Does wonders for my motivation - usually ends up giving me ideas for future stories - so good job. Just added a new plot to my list. Now if they could only make it possible to find the extra hours to write I'd be ecstatic. To the people who read, alert and fav - thanks too.

Just a reminder that this story is unbet'ed so if you find any major boo boos, drop me a line so I can fix them.

Internal Conflicts

Chapter 3

The third appointment:

DiNozzo went home and he tried to relax, he really tried to eat, he genuinely tried to sleep and when all his attempts failed, he tried to do the meditation exercise that the Doc had taught him earlier that day. Even that was an abject failure as he couldn't focus. Couldn't centre himself, still himself long enough to focus, couldn't stop his brain from galloping along at a million miles an hour. So much for that crap about talking was supposed to make everything all better. On the contrary, it seemed that all that happened was that it was just unearthing even more crap that he hadn't been aware of.

In the end, after enduring the worst panic attack of his life and faced with the very real prospect that he would have more, he used one of his coping mechanism that was a failsafe. At 0230 in the morning he went running and ran until he couldn't run anymore and then he made himself keep going until the pain forced his brain to shut down. Made him incapable of thinking anymore. In fact, he wasn't even sure how he made it back home. Then Tony threw himself into a hot shower and fell into bed before falling into an exhausted, restless sleep.

In the morning, he literally crawled out of bed on all fours since he ached from head to toe from pushing himself beyond what had been prudent. In trying to cope with the here and now, he couldn't afford the luxury of worrying about how his actions would affect him in the longer term. After showering again until his hot water ran out and swallowing down a handful of ibuprofen, he managed to make it to the couch before collapsing. He watched an episode of Magnum PI and then an Airwolf episode before he struggled out of the apartment to attend his third appointment at the shrink's in three days. Although he was in considerable pain, he found that it was an excellent diversion. It stopped him thinking so much.

Trying to ignore the massive panic attack he experienced the night before, he waited in the outer office of George Wilder hoping that his psychiatrist would finally have some answers for him today. He really wasn't sure how much longer he could hold everything together. 'Yeah right Anthony, this is what you call holding it together? Face it, you're destined for a long vacation at the funny farm…'

"Tony, are you ready," George asked him calmly, interrupting Tony's private monologue.

xxxx

Dr Wilder stared at his client in dismay, although he was careful not to reveal his disquiet. Honestly, Tony was jumpy enough as it was but it was his physical deterioration that was concerning the psychiatrist deeply. His client appeared to be in a great deal of discomfort when he stood up and made the short journey into his office, moving like a nonagenarian. When questioned about his condition, Tony revealed that he had pushed himself well beyond what was sensible when running the previous night.

Knowing that the guy ran to keep fit and cope with the stresses of his job, Wilder didn't want to know how far he'd had to run to end up in so much pain and he was even more alarmed when he refused his offer of a muscle relaxant. Tony explained that as bad as his pain was, it was also preferable to the panic attack he'd experienced last night, plus the pain was helping to keep him centred. Luckily, when George insisted so that they could use their time to greatest advantage, he relented and swallowed down several.

Damn, talk about feeling the pressure. He really needed to get to the bottom of this before he had to hospitalise Tony for his own safety. He knew, if things got to that stage Tony would be devastated. It would be a huge setback, especially since he had assured the federal agent that he wasn't crazy. If he had to hospitalise him it would simply perpetuate the notion that he was insane, when in fact, what he saw was someone under enormous pressure - who'd been in a toxic situation. It had been damaging him for far too long.

After his introductory recap of what they had talked about in the last two sessions, Wilder had Tony explain what had been happening since his last session. That left the psychiatrist feeling quite agitated as he shone a therapeutic light on the elephant in the room.

"So Tony, what has been making you feel so anxious?" His derivation of the classic 'tell me how you feel' gambit.

"Um… I can't switch my brain off and the more I think about it, the more panicked I feel. I thought if I let out some of what was worrying me, if I talked about it, cuz it's all busting out at the seams, I thought I'd be okay. But letting it out has just made it worse. I mean, it should have made it better, made more space shouldn't it? But it's just bubbling over like a volcano and it's giving me the worst case of heartburn, ever." He rubbed his chest vigorously, "And brain burn," he admitted.

Dr Wilder consulted his calendar intently before calling his assistant to ask him to reschedule the next appointment. He realised that he needed to get to the bottom of this ASAP. This was make or break time- he could feel it intuitively.

"Okay Tony, I've cleared my next session so we have almost two hours to get to the bottom of all of this. I think we need to come up with a treatment plan as soon as possible. What else is wanting to come out?"

"Wondering what is wrong with me – if I've been brainwashed or drugged somehow, Doc?"

"Okay Tony why would you think that you are being brainwashed or drugged in some way. Tell me about it?"

"Um…you mean apart from what I've told you so far?"

"Is there more," The Doctor probed gently as his client nodded silently. "Tell me about it," he invited calmly, wondering how much more could there be. How much more could one person deal with on top of the stressors of a highly taxing and dangerous job, betrayal of a colleague and another one who was abusive?

"Have you ever woken up one day and realise you are a totally different person to who you used to be or maybe I've been deluding myself about who I really am." Tony finally revealed hesitantly.

"Well I could say that that is a common experience for most of us but before I do, maybe you should clarified that statement a little. Perhaps you could give me some examples." George encouraged.

Tony was silent, either deciding whether to speak further or figuring out what to say. Apparently it was the latter because he finally began speaking. "My mother died when I was eight, my dad ignored me and I learned to take care of myself since no one else ever did. They were both either drunk or had more important things to do, like make money or impress people. And when dear ol' Dad insisted I attend an Ivy League college to study business even though he'd already disowned me when I was 12., as I had no desire to turn out like him, I told him where to stick it. So I went to OSU on a sports scholarship and when I blew out my knee, I entered the police academy."

The psychiatrist processed that. "Not seeing a problem yet, Tony."

"Getting there, Doc. So Senior was apoplexic when I became a cop because DiNozzo's don't lower themselves to perform menial jobs like that. Much gnashing of teeth, claiming I was ruining the DiNozzo reputation but I didn't care about what he thought. When I got recruited by Philly PD after just two years I left Peoria and 18 months later due to extenuating circumstances I transferred to Baltimore PD. I became a detective while I was there, before finding out my partner was a crooked cop. Gibbs offer me a job at NCIS on his team as his second." Tony stated, briefly.

Sensing a story, he probed, "Care to tell me about the extenuating circumstances that made you leave Philadelphia?"

Tony flushed as his jaw tightened. "Nope."

Noting something on his pad, he signalled that Tony should proceed. "I became his 2IC less than a year after joining NCIS and after five years there, I took over when Gibbs retired suddenly. I was ambitious, smart, I took care of myself and I stood up for myself. Didn't let people bully me or take advantage of me - if they did I just hit the road, again. And then suddenly everything changed, just like that." He tapped a complicated rhythm on his thigh with his hand, something that Dr Wilder was to learn was something of a habit with Tony, especially when he was feeling conflicted.

"Then Gibbs came back just as suddenly as he'd shot through and demanded his job back, informed me of the fact by chucking the contents of my desk back on the old one again. But instead of telling that bastard to stick it and take the lead agent position in Spain that I was offered, I stuck around like a pathetic, abused dog and let him and the team walk all over me. I stayed, when the director almost got me killed working her personal undercover mission and that pissed off the CIA big time. Once, I let Gibbs tell me I was irreplaceable when I begged him for validation, right after a serial killer abducted and almost killed me. Then when I was feeling on top of the world about his irreplaceable compliment, he told McGee who wasn't on the team back then, that it was too bad but he couldn't have my desk cuz I was still alive." He looked the psychiatrist straight in the eyes and he could see the naked pain that the comment had caused. George shook his head in disgust.

"Gibbs told me constantly he trusts me but has kept me in the dark about so many missions. He refused to let me enforce chain of command issues with the junior team members, to the point that just a few weeks ago when he was away and I should have been in charge, he bypassed the direct chain of command. He put a junior officer in charge of the team and investigation ahead of me because he whined to Gibbs that I made him do something he didn't want to. When he hired me he told me you don't waste good – but that's exactly what he's done for a long time now."

George employed the therapeutic trick of saying absolutely nothing, hoping Tony would continue. He waited for several minutes before Tony finally started speaking again.

"My boss belittles me and cuts me off. Doesn't seem at all appreciative of how we sacrificed our careers for him by resigning to protect his ass and his job. So taking all that into account, what do I do… hang around being all needy and take what he deigns to dish up... sweet FA. The same guy who became a detective in record time and at a freakishly early age, who refused to take crap from my old man or the assholes in various PDs. I was smart, ambitious and a damned good detective and gifted investigator but I've hung around and let him use me as a whipping boy time after time, without a murmur of protest. I'm pitiful and I don't recognise myself anymore."

He vented, heatedly. "What the Hell is wrong with me? Why don't I tell them all to take a hike or better yet, why haven't I TAKEN A HIKE, long before now? If wouldn't be the first time. I feel like a fraud."

George realised that there was a lot of information that he needed to clarify, organise then analyse. There was so much going on with this guy, the psychiatrist concluded. He wondered how he hadn't ended up topping himself with the degree of toxicity he had, in not only his past but his current situation. He really was employed in the workplace from Hell, the psychiatrist decided. Ironic that it was a federal agency sworn to uphold the rights of others, when it couldn't even take care of their own people. Wilder spent almost an hour dealing with the issues surrounding what Tony had revealed before suggesting that they took a time out. Ten minutes later after leading him in a visualisation exercise and a bathroom break, he gingerly approached the minefield he could tell that Tony was avoiding.

"Right, well this is all very important information Tony. Not sure yet how to put it in context. I still think that we are missing something big and I'd really like for us to deal with it before I attempt to make sense of what is going on with you. Let's talk about your childhood." Dr Wilder wasn't oblivious to the look of horror, panic - perhaps both on his client's face before an expressionless mask slipped into place.