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There was little traffic on the roads and it did not take Rory long to drive to Stars Hollow, stop the car and meet Jess by the gazebo, where, as before, they had planned to meet.

"Hey," she said, giving him a wide smile. He grinned back.

"Hey," he said. "Want to tell me what this is about?"

"Logan's in Boston all night," Rory said, slamming the car door shut. "I thought you might want to hang out."

Jess nodded and she asked nervously,

"Is that weird?"

Jess shook his head and she added awkwardly,

"Because I could just –"

"I'm glad you called," Jess said, cutting her off and she smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Have you eaten?"

"Some," Rory said, sliding her purse onto her shoulder. "But I could eat more."

"Come on."

Jess turned and led the way from the gazebo. Rory stopped as she saw the familiar street and asked,

"Aren't we going to eat at Luke's?"

"Hey, I can cook too," Jess said, stopping to look at her. "Believe it or not."

Rory raised an eyebrow and he laughed.

"You won't regret it, I promise not to give you food poisoning."

"When you put it like that," Rory teased. "Okay, I'll let you cook."

"It's going to taste good too," Jess said firmly, unlocking the door. "Trust me."

They made their way into the apartment and flicked the switch, flooding the apartment with light. Jess went into the kitchen and Rory followed but he waved her away, gesturing with a wooden spoon.

"Go sit. I won't give you food poisoning but I can't say the same for you."

"Mean," Rory grinned. "I cook for Logan nearly every night."

"He trusts you with that?"

"I haven't made him throw up yet."

"I'm impressed," Jess said, getting out a pan. "Does he ever cook for you?"

Rory shook her head, eating one of the mushrooms Jess had got out to chop.

"He usually gets back too late."

"Not even on weekends?"

Rory shook her head and said awkwardly,

"He doesn't like to cook much."

"What, because you're such a Martha Stewart?" Jess snorted. He laughed but stopped when he saw Rory's face and said quietly,

"Sorry, I didn't mean to –"

"It's okay," Rory said quickly. "I don't like cooking much, I just do it because I have to."

Jess looked like he wanted to add something but instead merely asked,

"So where is the husband tonight?"

"Boston, I told you. He had a meeting and it ran late."

"This late? When did it start?"

"Lunchtime, I guess," Rory said uncomfortably. "I don't know, he has a lot of work, there was probably tons to go over after."

Jess nodded and started chopping the mushrooms, pointing over at the living room with his spare hand.

"Sit," he said. "Make yourself comfortable, read something."

"I'm not allowed to help?"

"Tonight, no," Jess said firmly. "You're the guest, you deserve a break from the kitchen."

"I don't mind."

"Rory, do you want to cook?" Jess asked knowingly. Rory blushed. "Go relax."

Rory smiled and wandered into the living room, enjoying her chance to see it properly. She examined the bookshelves and settled into an armchair with a heavy volume of Proust, jumping when Jess told her dinner was ready half an hour later.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly as she put the book down. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's okay – I've read it before."

"Yeah?"

"Years ago," Rory clarified, getting up from the chair. "I only read the first book – I meant to read all of them but it took so long to read the first that I never got around to the rest."

"They're pretty hard going."

"Have you read all the volumes?"

Jess nodded and grimaced.

"Don't think I'll be reading it again though," he said fervently. Rory laughed. "Anyway – dinner's ready."

Rory followed Jess to the table where he handed her a plate of pasta and sauce, filled with mushrooms and onions.

"Sorry it's not much," he said with shyly as Rory took a bite. "Hope I didn't give you false hope."

"Jess, it's delicious," Rory exclaimed and his face broke into a smile. "Way better than what I can make."

"It's pretty simple."

Rory smiled as he took a seat opposite and they began to eat, Jess refusing any offers of cleaning up.

"So," Jess said as they finished eating and went back to the living room. "Was everything okay? I didn't see you after...did you get home okay?"

Rory looked down, ashamed, and Jess added wryly,

"Kind of a stupid question – you're sitting here, of course you did."

Rory let out a breath.

"I got home fine, everything's fine. I made up with Logan."

"Good," Jess said quietly. "That's good."

Rory nodded and he hesitated.

"Do you want a drink of something? Coffee?"

Rory smiled and he asked in disbelief,

"You seriously want some of that whiskey again?"

"I don't know – I just feel like something other than coffee."

"Are you feeling okay?" Jess asked seriously, getting up. "I got some wine this week from a client, how about that?"

"That sounds great," Rory said. "Maybe just one glass."

Jess nodded and returned with two glasses, pouring out a good measure. He lifted his glass and said,

"Cheers," and Rory did the same in a quieter voice. She took a sip and fell into silence.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, noticing. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed, looking at the glass. "I was just thinking about last week, when I got home. Logan had been drinking."

"A lot?"

"I don't know – there was only one bottle on the table but I saw three more in the recycling box," Rory said slowly. "And he said it was just last night, when he was upset that we'd fought, but it tasted really fresh on his breath."

"You think he was lying?"

"No, I – I don't know," Rory said unhappily. "I mean, I was drinking too."

"Only the night before."

"Maybe he was telling the truth," Rory said doubtfully. "Maybe he just hadn't brushed his teeth."

Jess nodded but he concentrated on drinking his wine, not saying anything to placate her. Rory put the glass down.

"You know, I'm sick of talking about Logan," she said irritably. "I feel like all I do right now is think about where he is and what he wants, whether if it's for dinner or for going out or..." her voice trailed off and she finished fervently, "let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Rory admitted, glancing over him. "You pick the subject.

"Okay," Jess said. "Tell me about you."

"What about?" Rory asked, her face feeling hot, and Jess shrugged.

"Anything. Tell me about Yale – I didn't see you for two years between the time I..."

It was his turn to look embarrassed and Rory said quietly,

"I remember."

"Can I ask you something?" Jess said. Rory looked at him nervously. "What happened? What was it that made you quit school? I don't get it."

Rory stared down at her wine and Jess added in a more gentle tone,

"I'm not trying to be a jerk and if you don't want to talk about it, it's none of my business. I'm just – I'm curious, Rory. You loved school, you wouldn't leave Yale when I asked you to. What happened?"

Rory was quiet for a while. She took a long drink of wine and said,

"God, it got so screwed up. I was so screwed up."

Jess was silent and she sighed.

"I guess it was Logan's dad – Mitchum Huntzberger, he's a big newspaper tycoon. He asked me to intern for him and I thought it was going to be so great. I had such a great time working for him, even though the rest of his family hated me, and I thought I was impressing him so much. Then one day I got pulled into his office and he told me I would never be a journalist."

"What?"

"Yeah," Rory said miserably, lying back into the chair. "He said I didn't have it what it takes. It totally crushed me."

"Jerk," Jess said quietly and Rory added with a bitter laugh,

"It gets better. I stole a boat."

"You what?"

"Yep – I went to a party for Logan's sister at the docks and I was just hurting so much that I wanted to do something reckless and irresponsible and there was a boat right there. So we took it."

Jess stared at her in disbelief and she said,

"We got arrested, Mom picked me up from jail and I decided to quit. I just...I felt so overwhelmed. I'm not trying to make excuses, I know I did a really dumb thing, but it didn't feel like I could do anything anymore. I wasn't going to be a journalist, I'd committed a felony and there wasn't a plan anymore. I had to take a break."

Jess nodded and asked,

"So how come you were at the grandparents?"

"Mom was less understanding," Rory said. "I've never seen her so mad, so disappointed. We didn't talk for practically six months."

She drank the last of her wine and said in a low voice,

"I think they were the worst six months of my life."

"You went back," Jess said softly. "You made it right."

"Because you told me to," Rory said, putting the glass down. "And I know I shouldn't think this but sometimes I wonder...should I have?"

"You're not serious."

Jess sounded disappointed and Rory flushed.

"No," she said, taking the bottle and pouring herself more wine. "I'm glad I went back, you were right, you and Mom. It's just – I'm not doing anything and sometimes it seems like all that knowledge was for waste."

"Knowledge is never waste, Rory," Jess said quietly, pouring himself more wine as well. "Having it is what counts."

Rory smiled and drank the wine. For a while they sat in comfortable silence.

"That's why I had therapy," she told him. "When I went back, I had to talk about the boat and all this other stuff."

"What other stuff?"

"Other relationships," Rory said awkwardly and Jess looked at her quizzically.

"Before Yale?"

"Yes," Rory admitted. "And no."

"Logan wasn't -?"

Rory had been drinking wine and choked slightly.

"God, no," she said, wiping her mouth. "I didn't lose my virginity to Logan."

"Not exactly what I asked," Jess said with a crooked grin and they both laughed. "Who then? Some other preppy guy?"

"No," Rory said, her good mood quickly dispersing. "He wasn't from Yale."

"Not from Yale?" Jess echoed, confused and then he said in a quiet, knowing voice, "Dean."

Rory didn't bother asking how he'd guessed and flushed as Jess asked,

"Wasn't he married?"

"Yes," Rory said miserably. "It's probably the worst thing I've ever done."

"How did -?" Jess started to ask but then drank his wine, stopping himself. Rory answered all the same.

"I was really unhappy," she said carefully, "my first year of Yale. No one knew it and I never told anyone but I was. It was much harder than I thought, living away from home, and I missed Mom so much. I missed everyone. Lane stayed for a while but then she had to go and I had Paris but she was from Chilton and just missed Stars Hollow so much. Mom was crazy busy than year with starting her inn and I had a ton of work and we kept missing each other and whenever I had a bad day she wasn't there. One day, I had a horrible day, the worst day ever – I was told I had a drop a class."

"Is that so bad?" Jess asked and Rory sighed.

"Not really but I was so stressed and down that it felt awful. My grandfather had taken the same number of coursse and he'd managed. I felt like a total failure."

Jess looked at her sympathetically and Rory continued,

"I drove home looking for Mom. I couldn't find her at the inn but Dean was there – he was working on the construction crew – and he made me feel so much better. He let me talk and he held me and it was like how it used to be. He used to make me feel safe."

Rory glanced up, wondering if she should be saying these things but Jess didn't look hurt and instead he said wisely,

"He was reliable."

"Yeah," Rory said, drinking some more. "And even though we broke up for a reason it was as if all the bad times didn't matter anymore. He was there. We started talking more, as friends, and it made me feel better about being away from home. It didn't feel wrong, even when he told me Lindsay couldn't find out. I knew I had someone to talk to from Stars Hollow whenever I needed."

"Makes sense," Jess said quietly and Rory added,

"On the night you came to see me, I'd just had the worst date – Grandma set me up with this rich jerk and I went on a pub crawl with him and his buddies where they just got stupidly drunk, including the driver."

"Sounds like a great night."

"Oh, yeah. And I had to get home but I didn't have money for a cab so I called Dean. He came to pick me up and I showed him around campus."

"And then I showed up," Jess said, his tone odd, and Rory nodded.

"You showed up."

Rory couldn't think of what to say but Jess looked into her eyes.

"You were right not to go away with me," he said slowly. "Whatever happened – you were right and I know that. I knew that then."

"I didn't have to be so harsh."

"I freaked you out, I did it all wrong," Jess said angrily. "All wrong, that wasn't my plan. I was never going to ask you to run away, I..."

He scratched behind his ear and said,

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jess," Rory said softly. She placed her hand on his and added ruefully, "Like I can judge."

"Rory, don't think that because you messed up it makes me what I said less dumb."

"It wasn't dumb," Rory said gently. "Whatever it was, it wasn't dumb."

Jess nodded. They caught each other's eyes once more and then Rory quickly removed her hand, wrapping it around her glass. Jess coughed.

"Sorry to steal the story," he said. "You were talking."

"You can guess where it's going," Rory said honestly. "I was freaked out, Jess. I didn't mean what I said, that I didn't love you anymore. I don't know what I felt but it wasn't true, what I said. I was upset and scared and when you left and I went home it felt good seeing Dean again."

"Dean wouldn't beg you to run away with him, " Jess said knowingly and Rory shook her head.

"It was the night of the grand opening of the inn," she said, feeling the familiar twinge of shame. "And Mom asked me to run home and grab some music for the inn. I was just piling up some CDs when Dean was at the door, asking to talk. We'd seen each other before, that day, and I told him about sending you away and he said he was glad. I knew what he was thinking, what I was feeling and when he came over he told me it was over, his marriage between him and Lindsay. He said they both knew it was over and then we were kissing and..." Rory stopped, not meaning to say so much. "He took his ring off and said it was all over. I believed him."

"He lied," Jess said. It was a statement rather than a question and Rory sighed.

"I should have known. Mom found us, that night, she was so mad at me, the way she looked at me – she was so disappointed. I knew I'd done something wrong but I was happy, it had felt right during – it hadn't felt like a lie. It had been wonderful and she came home and ruined it and I got mad at her, but mostly because I knew, underneath, that she was right. I saw Dean the next day and he obviously hadn't told Lindsay. I meant to tell him it had to be over but we had sex again. I went to Europe with my grandmother without telling Dean and when I came home he was still married. I wrote him a letter to say we could never do what we did again."

Rory stopped for a breath and, anticipating Jess's next words she said bitterly,

"Lindsay found out and she threw Dean out. I should have stayed away from him but I kept going back to him. I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty because Lindsay had never been right for Dean, that she'd made him unhappy all year by nagging him and making him work so hard. He loved me and I'd never do that to him and it could be like old times."

"I'm guessing it didn't work out."

"No. He would come over to my dorm and I went to his place a couple of times – he stayed with his parents for a while which was the most awkward thing ever – but it wasn't a real relationship. Even besides the fact that his divorce hadn't gone through yet, he had work and I had Yale and we just saw each other for sex. It wasn't love. I knew it but I kept doing it. I wanted it to be how it was."

The memory still stung, after all that time, and Rory said bitterly,

"He broke up with me at a party at Grandma's house, in front of a whole crowd of people. Logan was there with his friends. Dean said he didn't fit in anymore. He was right, but –"

"Dean's a jerk," Jess said and Rory looked to see him frowning in anger. "He's a jerk, Rory, he always was, even when he acted like the Golden Boy of Stars Hollow."

"I was a jerk too," Rory said unhappily. "I knew he was married to Lindsay and I still –"

"He told it was over. You didn't know."

"I knew the day after. I knew the whole time it was wrong and we were hurting Lindsay."

Jess was silent and then he said gently,

"You were lonely. Dean took advantage."

"It's not like I don't have my own mind. I made a mistake."

"You screwed up," Jess agreed. "But you were still in a bad place and Dean knew that. He lied to you. He used you, he ditched you in front of everyone, again, when you hadn't done anything wrong. He's a jerk."

"I didn't love him."

"You can't help that."

Rory nodded but she couldn't stop the large lump that had formed in the back of her throat. She took a large drink of wine to try and kill it and said,

"Dean moved a few years ago. I heard he married someone else."

"Let's hope he treats her better, whoever she is," Jess said. Rory noticed that she'd finished her second glass and Jess poured her some more after she nodded.

"How long was this thing with Dean for?" Jess asked and Rory shrugged.

"A month or so, I guess. After he broke up with me and I met Logan I decided I wanted something different. Logan wasn't reliable or responsible but he was fun and he was smart and it seemed easier."

"What did?"

"Not being with someone for love, not having to be serious," Rory explained and she blushed at Jess's incredulous look. "I would never have believed it if you said we'd get married and he wouldn't either, I bet. It was just sex for a while. It was fun but I liked having a boyfriend. I told Logan and he said he'd be that guy for me."

"Guess that was hard for him," Jess said coolly and Rory knew he was thinking of the women he had cheated on her with. She concentrated on the wine in her glass.

"You know the rest," she said. "I went back to Yale, after we saw each other, and Logan and I worked things out and now...here we are."

"Here we are," Jess echoed, drinking from his glass. "Now you're back."

"Logan's not happy we're back," Rory confessed. Jess looked at her.

"No?"

"He misses California. He prefers warmer weather."

"Yeah I got that," Jess remarked. "Doing his stunt in South America. What about you?"

"Huh? I never jumped off cliffs – my stunt was right here."

"No, California. Did you like it?"

"No," Rory said emphatically, surprised at her own venom. "I hated it there and I never want to go back."

Jess raised his eyebrows but didn't ask further. Rory drained her glass.

"I'm sure Logan will be fine once he settles in," she said quickly. "He's thinking of throwing a housewarming party. You could come."

"I don't think so, Rory," Jess said, shaking his head with a laugh. Rory's heart sank.

"It could be fun," she said weakly. "I'd like to have a friend there."

"Rory, somehow I don't think your husband will want to invite me over for cocktails. What did he say about you coming here the other night?"

Rory was silent and he guessed,

"You didn't tell him."

"I was going to – I got distracted when I saw he'd been drinking."

"Are you scared of what he'll say?"

"No, I just – it's easier," Rory said hotly and Jess nodded.

"Then I don't think a party invitation is the way to go. Remember the last time we all went for a drinks?"

Rory bit her lip.

"I'm sorry about that," she said honestly. "He was a jerk."

"You're not the one who should be apologising," Jess said simply. Rory hesitated and said,

"It was after that that..." Jess looked at her inquisitively and she said,

"I went back to Yale and Logan cheated on me."

"Did one have something to do with the other?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "I hope not."

"I hope that too," Jess said seriously. "Because any guy who doesn't respect your mind can go to hell."

Rory stared at him and smiled. She opened her mouth to say something else and then noticed the half empty bottle of wine and gasped.

"What?" Jess asked, alarmed and Rory groaned,

"I was going to drive back and I forgot...I drank more than three glasses of wine. I can't drive back now."

"That's okay."

"No, it's not! I'm over my limit!"

"Stay here," Jess said simply and Rory shook her head.

"I couldn't."

"Why not? You can't drive and Logan's out of town – not that he should care," Jess added irritably. "I'll take the couch."

"But –"

"Rory, it makes more sense than you going and waking up your mom again. You said Logan's in Boston all night."

"I guess," Rory said doubtfully. "Thanks."

Jess nodded and Rory sat back in the comfortable cushions.

"What about you?" she asked suddenly. "You've heard all about me, what about you? What were you doing between the Truncheon and Stars Hollow?"

"I went to see my dad," Jess said, sounding uncomfortable. "That was a bust."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not – it kind of helped to know who he was. I don't think he's a bad guy, he's just...he couldn't be a dad, not to me. He could to Lily."

"Who?"

"His girlfriend's kid. She was smart."

Rory smiled at the affection in his voice but Jess sounded dour as he added,

"It didn't work out, staying there. I didn't have a future there and I missed you..."

"Jess –"

"I'm sorry I left the way I did," Jess said, moving closer so his knee brushed hers. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going and I'm sorry I never called."

"You did call."

"I didn't say anything."

"It's no worse than what I did," Rory said sadly. "Leaving without saying goodbye."

They looked into each other's eyes. Rory was suddenly aware of the heat of Jess's leg, knowing she should move hers, but the pressure felt gentle and good. She absently rubbed an itch on her arm and Jess coughed and moved away, to her inexplicable disappointment.

"Yeah, well. I went to New York for a while, not doing much of anything, living in a dump. Then I came back when Liz got married, when you –" he stopped, embarrassed, and hastily said, "I went back to New York. I found a class for literature and workshop and I went there between working in bars. I started writing and I met Chris and Matthew and then suddenly this insane idea we had for a publishing house became real and I moved to Philadelphia."

"That's great, Jess," Rory said warmly. "More than, it's –"

"Stop, you'll make me blush!"

"You deserve the praise!" Rory laughed. "No, you do."

He nodded, smiling, and Rory tried to ask casually,

"Did you ever meet anyone?"

He met her eyes again.

"No one special."

Rory didn't ask further. They passed the bottle of wine between them, finishing the dregs and the room seemed closer and more comforting. Jess put on some music, a band Rory couldn't place but knew Lane would approve of, and for a while they sat in silence, not needing to talk.

"Logan's sister is going to have a baby," Rory said suddenly. "I'm going to be aunt."

"Congratulations – being an aunt is fun, I hear."

Rory nodded and then she blurted out,

"I thought I was pregnant, right before we moved."

"What would you have done?" Jess asked in his own, direct way, and Rory said honestly,

"I wanted to get rid of it. I don't know if I'd have felt differently if it had been true, but...what do you think?"

"I think it's your decision," Jess said and Rory exhaled.

"I never told Logan. He knows I don't want kids right now but he keeps talking about the future and I don't know if – I don't know. I haven't even told Mom."

She fell silent and looked at her hands. Jess leaned closer and said gently,

"You don't have to explain to me, Rory."

"I know," Rory said quietly. She didn't elaborate that she was trying to explain to herself.

"Did you like it?" she asked and Jess frowned, confused. "California?"

"It had its moments," Jess said thoughtfully. "But I can't say I want to go back again. It's not the place for me - for either of us."

Rory smiled and nodded, closing her eyes to the tune on the record.

"Guess not," she whispered.

It was only when the clock struck eleven that Rory said perhaps they should go to bed and Jess nodded, quickly getting up and leading Rory into the bedroom. It was fairly bare yet still looked inviting, Jess's own, with a movie poster on the wall and a bookshelf in the corner. Jess rummaged through his drawer and came up with a baggy T-shirt and shorts.

"You can sleep in those, if you want," he said, sounding slightly awkward. "There's water in the kitchen. I'll be out here if you need me."

Rory thanked him and prepared for bed. She heard Jess washing the dishes outside and she noticed a framed photo of a little girl on the bedside table with long, messy black hair, so like her brother. It had to be Doula and Rory smiled at it before turning out the light. She had little time to remark on the turn of events before closing her eyes and sliding into a comfortable sleep.