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Rory drove and drove relentlessly and, it was only when she had reached Stars Hollow, stopped the car and got out that the enormity hit her. She had fought with Logan, thrown a glass – thrown it – and driven all the way out here without any kind of plan. She hadn't called Lorelai to tell her she was coming and she couldn't face the thought of raking over the night's events with her mother, nor could she imagine what her mother would say. Rory could see the disappointment in her face already yet who else was there to talk to? Lane would be fast asleep and the only other friend she had here was Jess. It suddenly struck Rory as terribly pitiful that the only people she could talk to were her mother and boyfriend from long ago and she leant against the metal of the car and wept.
The gazebo stood out against the night, shining solemnly and Rory stared at it through the blur of her tears. She couldn't count the number of times she had sat there, it had been the hub of her life, and as she looked out at the dimmed streets Rory could almost see the ghosts of her and Lane, young, hopeful and optimistic. What had happened to them? One moment they had been sixteen, planning their futures as musicians and journalists and the next they were mothers and wives. Lane hadn't got her drums out for over a year and Rory – she didn't even know what she was doing. If she had been asked at sixteen where she saw herself in the future Rory knew that getting married at twenty-three would not have been her answer. She used to picture herself travelling the globe reporting for papers and being independent. Her most interesting plans now were arranging cocktails parties – a Yale graduate reduced to this and Rory cried and cried. She sobbed so much that she didn't notice Jess coming towards her, taking her hands and asking desperately,
"Rory, what happened?"
Rory couldn't answer. She could only sob, unable to ask how he had found her or where he'd come from and Jess asked again,
"What happened, what's wrong?"
Rory hiccupped and Jess let go of her hands so she could wipe at her eyes and sob,
"I.."
She couldn't finish her sentence and Jess demanded,
"Was it Logan? Has he done something to you?"
Rory nodded and Jess pressed,
"What did he do? Did he hurt you?"
"No," Rory managed to choke out. "I mean, yes, but not in the way you think. He didn't hit me, he didn't hurt me like that."
Jess was starting to get a murderous look in his eye.
"What did he do?" he asked quietly. "What did he do to you?"
Rory shook her head and started crying again. Jess's look softened and he took her hand again.
"Come on," he said gently. "Let's get out of here."
Rory meekly obeyed him, letting him lead the way to his apartment and impervious to the tears running down her cheeks. Jess switched the light on and Rory sank into an armchair, not caring about how dreadful she had to look. Tears still spilled from her eyes, stubbornly refusing to stop. She tried to wipe some away when Jess appeared, pushing a large glass of water into her hands.
"Drink this," he said gently. "It'll help."
Rory stared down at the liquid and he added,
"You'll feel better if you drink it, I promise."
Rory lifted the glass with shaking hands and managed to drink all of it with deep, shuddering gulps. When she had finished Jess handed her a box of tissues and Rory silently took a handful to wipe her face clean and blow her nose.
"Thanks," she said quietly.
"Anytime," Jess replied in an equally soft tone. "Do you want some more water?"
Rory nodded and he took her glass and refilled it. As Jess had said, drinking it had made her feel calmer, though she couldn't imagine why. Hydrating herself was hardly a match to throwing glassware around. Thinking about it hurt again and more tears trickled out as Jess handed her the glass.
"Rory, what happened?" Jess asked, sitting in the chair next to her and moving it so he was facing Rory. "Can you tell me?"
His voice was low and anxious. Rory stared down at the glass in her hands, afraid to reach his eyes. She knew she was going to start crying again and, if she started telling the story, she wouldn't be able to stop.
"Rory?" Jess asked again. "Can you talk about it?"
Rory took a sip of water. Her heart was beginning to feel erratic again and she drank slowly before trying to talk.
"I had a party tonight," she managed to say. "Logan and I had a party – the one I told you about."
Jess nodded to show he remembered and Rory continued,
"It was the worst night of our marriage, our worst fight – everything fell apart."
She blinked back the wet in her eyes and sipped at the water again before adding,
"Logan ignored me all night. He got a group of buddies and they just sat in the corner drinking all the alcohol, being rude to the guests – he was such a jerk to Doyle – and then when I went to talk to him, he –"
Rory broke off, unable to finish her sentence as tears streamed from her eyes against her will. She sniffled and wiped at them, not bothering to get another tissue, and stirred in surprise as Jess placed his hand on hers. She stared down, her vision hazy, and jumped as Jess said,
"What did he do, Rory?"
Jess lifted his hand away as Rory jumped and she bit her lip, feeling strangely disappointed. His touch had been comforting, and she took a ragged breath before saying,
"He was talking about me with Colin and Finn. Everyone else had gone and I was going to join them when I heard – he was talking about us, about me, sharing stuff with them."
"What kind of stuff?"
Jess's tone suggested that he could tell but Rory still said,
"Private stuff – sex stuff. He was telling them about how I was in bed and – and – what kind of sex we have. Stuff I never tell anyone."
Jess didn't move but he stiffened slightly and Rory found herself adding tearfully,
"He was laughing at me, they were laughing about me and making fun of me. How could they do that?"
She didn't expect an answer but Jess took her hand again and squeezed it before quietly saying,
"Jerk."
"Yeah," Rory sniffled. "That's one word for him."
"That's why you took off," Jess said and stared as Rory shook her head.
"No," she sobbed. "It gets better. I told them all to leave and I yelled at Logan and he got mad at me."
"He got mad at you?" Jess demanded. "That jerk didn't even apologise?"
"He said I couldn't take a joke," Rory said, using her free hand to wipe at her eyes. "He said it's no different to me talking about it with Paris or Lane or –"
"It's not the same," Jess cut in and Rory shook her head.
"I'd never laugh about him like that," she said, pain squeezing her heart again. "I'd never tell Paris or Lane something really private, or –"
She stopped talking and fell silent. She didn't want to add that since her marriage to Logan she had never had a steady friend to really talk to about anything, private or not.
"He didn't get why you were upset?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut.
"I threw a glass against a wall."
"What?"
Rory dared to open her eyes. Jess was staring at her in pure, unadulterated shock and she said furiously,
"I picked up a glass and I just threw it. I threw it right against the wall and it smashed."
Jess didn't say anything and Rory let out a sound which was indistinguishable between a laugh or cry.
"I'm going crazy," she sobbed. "I am crazy."
"No, you're not."
"Jess, I threw a glass against a wall," Rory said, shaking her head furiously. "No sane person does that, I don't do that."
"Yet you did."
Rory stared at her hands, an uncomfortable shame weaving itself around her, threading tight at her heart.
"I was just so mad," she said slowly. "I've never been so mad in my life. Logan was just standing there, practically laughing at me, and I couldn't take it, I couldn't take any of it."
"Take any of what?"
"That – him, the party, any of it! I couldn't stand it, Jess, I couldn't stay so I just drove."
"Are you going back?"
Rory stared up in shock. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind.
"I have to go back," she said, releasing her hand from his. "We're married."
"That doesn't mean you have to go back," Jess said in a sudden, sharp voice. "If he's hurting you –"
"He's not hurting me," Rory cut in. "He didn't hit me, or –"
"Rory, you know there's more than one way to hurt someone. You know there is."
Jess sounded desperate and Rory anxiously added,
"Jess, it was one fight."
"It's not one fight," Jess contradicted. "You've come to me before because of him."
"It wasn't like that the other two times," Rory said defensively. "We both said things."
"I didn't just mean that," Jess said quietly. "Remember the first?"
The water suddenly felt like ice in Rory's hands and there was a sensation of it slipping down her back. Memory stung of the day she had gone to Philadelphia, years ago, to hurt Logan the way he had hurt her. The shame tightened uncomfortably.
"That was a long time ago," Rory said uneasily. Jess looked disappointed and neither added that tonight was not.
Rory couldn't stand the look in his eyes and started crying again.
"Everything's falling apart," she sobbed. "My life, my career –"
"Hey –"
"I can't let my marriage fall apart too," Rory sobbed. "I can't."
"Rory –"
Rory ignored him. She dissolved into tears again, Jess's face disappearing into a blur, and she put the glass on a table beside her and buried her face in her hands. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so hard or so forcefully and felt dimly aware of being like Alice. Jess's apartment was at risk of being filled with a pool of her tears and, as though to staunch the flow, she realised that he was handing her the box of Kleenex again. Rory took some and wiped at her eyes and sipped at the water again. She could tell her eyes were bloodshot and puffy but she was too miserable to care. Jess took her hand again and Rory relaxed at the pressure.
"Rory, I'm sorry," Jess said quietly. "I didn't mean to –"
"It's okay."
"I wasn't trying to harass you or something," Jess said, looking into her eyes. "I just think that you shouldn't be taking all this."
"So what are you saying?" Rory demanded. "That I should get divorced?"
Jess didn't say anything and Rory took a deep breath, carefully taking her hand away.
"I can't divorce Logan over a fight," she said slowly. "I know it was a bad fight, but it was just a fight."
"Rory –"
"And I can't divorce him over our past, either," Rory said, looking into his eyes. "I know that was bad but it's the past. I can't hold a grudge for that now. I promised I wouldn't."
"Rory, don't try and excuse what that jerk did tonight," Jess said hotly and Rory said pleadingly,
"Jess –"
"No, don't say my name like that! He's a jerk! He always has been, I pegged him the second I saw him."
Jess paused for breath. He steadied himself and then said,
"You can forget about what he did before, fine, even if I can't. But I don't know how you can forget tonight ever happened."
"I'm not forgetting it!" Rory exclaimed. "I'm forgiving it! I have to try!"
"Why?"
"Why?" Rory asked, floored. "I married him! I made a vow!"
"You threw a glass! Tell me you're glad to be married to him. Tell me something like tonight won't happen again."
"Jess, I have to try," Rory said, trying to steady her voice. "I'm married, it's the only –"
She stopped herself. Jess looked at her curiously and she said,
"We have to work at it. It's not like we can just break up."
"Apparently not," Jess said ambiguously. Rory stared at him but instead she just said with finality,
"I'm not pretending that I'm not angry with Logan – I'm furious with him – but I have to try and work through it. I love him, even if he can be a jerk and I know he loves me. He has to."
Jess nodded, though he clearly wasn't agreeing. Rory looked at her hands, the ring heavy on her finger. It stared at her, in an accusing kind of way and she had a terrible urge to take it off. Rory resisted and said,
"I can't go back there tonight. I know I just said all that stuff about working through it but I can't – I just can't."
Jess looked at her and his voice and eyes were gentle again as he said,
"Come on, I'll set up your bed."
Rory went to the bathroom first. Her eyes were as bad as she feared and the first twinge of embarrassment touch her as she rinsed them with water. She dried her face, took a deep breath and went into the bedroom where Jess was making the bed. Rory smiled and walked around to face him.
"You really don't have to," she said guiltily. "I can just go to Mom's –"
"Don't do that," he said, looking at her. "Do you want to go through it all again tonight?"
Rory couldn't pretend that she did. She sat on the covers as Jess fetched some spare shorts and shirt for to sleep in and said gratefully,
"Thank you, Jess. I didn't know I was going to run into you – I didn't have a plan."
"Rory Gilmore didn't have a plan?" Jess started to tease but then stopped, suddenly, as he saw her face. "I'm glad I ran into you."
"Did you see me?"
"I was helping Luke with the evening shift – he'd just locked up and I was heading back when I saw you."
"I'm sorry," Rory said awkwardly. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"I was just worried." Jess paused and sat on the bed next to her. "I'm sorry if I – did I make you feel like hell, talking about it?"
"A little," Rory admitted. "But I'm glad I did – talked about it, I mean."
Jess nodded but he didn't say anything further. Rory didn't know what to say and the silence suddenly seemed uncomfortable. She caught sight of the photo frame again and hastily picked it up, making Jess jump.
"Is that Doula?"
Jess's face relaxed into a smile as he took the picture from her.
"Yeah – she's three."
"Wow – it only seems like the other day she was born."
"I know," Jess said earnestly. "She's getting heavy to pick up now and I remember holding her for the first time. It doesn't feel so long ago. The way she squeezed my finger so tight – it was like she knew me."
Rory smiled at the happiness that had spread across Jess's face.
"Maybe she knew you were her brother."
"Babies don't understand anything like that," Jess scoffed hastily. "They can't – she knows it now though. Liz is always sending me pictures she draws of me."
"Do you see her a lot?"
"Once or twice a month. It's not enough."
"I can't imagine you as a brother," Rory admitted and Jess laughed awkwardly.
"It should feel weird, but it doesn't seem like there was a time when she wasn't in my life."
"I wish I was that close with Gigi," Rory admitted and Jess remarked,
"I remember she was born when we were seeing each other. That was way before Doula was here."
"It doesn't seem so long ago," Rory said softly. Jess shook his head.
"It doesn't."
They glanced at each other and Jess quickly put the photo back. It was a little misplaced but neither made a move to correct it.
"I'll let you get some rest," Jess said, getting up and going to the door. "Goodnight, Rory."
"Goodnight, Jess."
He smiled and shut the door. Rory stared at it, half-wishing she had called out goodnight, Dodger! in leu of times past, but it seemed too strange. She was married now, her romance with Jess had been long ago and Rory changed, got into bed and turned out the light. She slept fitfully. The ring held tight to her hand and anchored her from sleep, binding her to a man in another bed. She was his wife yet she dreamed of another.