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Rory woke the next morning with a start. She felt confused and disorientated and then her skin felt hot. She remembered where she was and what had happened but the blush was due to her dream, in which she and Jess had kissed. The details were hazy but the memory was clear and Rory shook her head to try and forget it. The sense of Jess's touch was clear in her subconscious and Rory bit her lip.
She sat up properly, knowing she should get up and drive home but was reluctant. It was warm in the bed and Jess's book had changed from the week before. Rory picked it up, flicking through it. Jess clearly hadn't read very much as his notes in the margins only covered the first chapter and Rory read through them before hastily putting the book down, feeling as though she had intruded. Her wedding ring caught the light which shone through the slit in the curtains, making Rory blink, and she placed the tip of her finger on the gem. It was a heavy weight on her finger and Rory slowly slid it off. She put the ring on the bedside table and stared at her naked hand. Rory only removed her wedding ring for washing the dishes and, as her hands were submerged in soapy water, she didn't really see them without the ring. It felt odd to see her hand free from its diamond, light and unattached, and Rory smoothed the space where the metal had been. Her hand hadn't looked this way for two years yet it felt much longer. Rory was still staring at it when there was a sudden knock on the door, making her jump and she hastily slid the ring back, calling,
"Come in!"
Jess carefully opened the door, a cup of coffee in his hand.
"Hey."
"Hey," Rory said, quickly getting up and going over to him. "Is that for me?"
"I could never drink the same level of caffeine as you," Jess grinned. "Good sleep?"
Rory shrugged, burying her blush in the drink and Jess frowned.
"Did you sleep badly?"
"Just had weird dreams," Rory said truthfully. "How about you?"
"Pretty well," Jess said, shrugging as well. "What do you think of the book?"
"Huh?"
"The book," Jess said, pointing at the novel on the nightstand. "I'm guessing you read some of it."
Rory smiled in spite of herself. Jess laughed.
"Did you like it?"
"It seems good so far."
"It's interesting," Jess agreed. "What are you reading this time?"
Rory looked at her cup, suddenly reluctant to reach his eyes.
"Um, nothing right now," she said awkwardly. "I haven't found anything good to read."
"Seriously?"
Jess sounded incredulous and Rory stared down at the china, gripping its warmth in her hands.
"Why don't you try this?" Jess said, going to the bookshelf and retrieving the Kurt Vonnegut novel Rory saw the last time she'd stayed. "It's pretty good."
Rory turned it over in her hands, a memory flickering in her mind.
"I know this," she said accusingly. "You read it before, when we went out."
"I read it once a year."
"You never lent it to me."
"I got distracted by all the books you were teasing me with," Jess said with a smirk. "Read it, I'll promise you like it."
Rory took it from him and nodded.
"Thanks."
Jess nodded too and Rory suddenly felt exposed. Jess's borrowed clothes were loose on her body and the cool of the room were making her nipples stiffen. Rory hugged the book tightly to her chest.
"I think I'll get dressed."
"Sure," Jess said quickly. "Do you want a shower?"
"Um –"
Rory paused. She did want one yet it seemed almost inappropriate to accept.
"I don't want to take all your hot water," she said weakly. Jess laughed.
"I've already showered," he said. "Relax, there's plenty. I'll get you a towel."
"Thanks," Rory said awkwardly. He went and quickly returned with a blue towel which Rory accepted with a smile.
"I'll go make some breakfast," Jess said, relieving Rory of thinking of something to say to break the silence. "The bathroom's yours."
Rory waited for him to go back into the kitchen before slipping into the bathroom. It was small but clean, with a variety of bottles arranged around the sink. Rory had never expected Jess to use anything on his face besides soap and she smiled to herself as she stepped into the shower, carefully holding her hair away from the spray. The stall was half the size of hers and Logan's but Rory didn't sense the lack of space at all and closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle pummel of the water on her back.
Rory tried to be quick and turned off the water as soon as she could. She got out, picking the towel up and glanced around for her dress. It wasn't anywhere in the bathroom and Rory felt her cheeks colour as she realised that she had left the dress in Jess's bedroom. She sighed, picked up what she had slept in and wound the towel tightly around herself as she pushed open the door. Rory hoped to make it back to the bedroom without Jess noticing her but the apartment was small and he looked up in greeting as she came out, hastily ducking his gaze as she came into view.
"Sorry," Jess said awkwardly as Rory stumbled,
"Sorry – I left my dress behind, I didn't think –"
"This'll be ready in a minute," Jess said quickly, glancing back at the kitchen. Rory gripped the top of the towel and said brightly,
"Great, that's...I'll be out right."
"Great."
"Yes."
Rory hurried back to the room, mortified, and was still embarrassed when she headed out five minutes later, clad in her dress from the previous night. Jess had laid the table and he smiled as Rory came over.
"Now that's looking smart for breakfast."
"I didn't have anything else to wear," Rory said and then remarked, "Better than a bath towel, right?"
Jess looked up nervously before relaxing with a laugh as he saw Rory was teasing.
"Don't be too hard on the towel, it's organic cotton."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah, there was a sale. Besides, it looked good on you."
Rory flushed at the compliment and Jess coughed, adding,
"Not that – I wasn't looking at you like –"
"Jess, it's okay," Rory said, silently pushing back the dream which was suddenly fresh in her mind again. "I know you weren't checking me out or something."
"I'm still sorry I – I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"You didn't," Rory said, trying to sound sincere. "It's fine – I'm fine."
She started cutting into the pancakes, knowing Jess was looking at her.
"Are you?" he asked quietly. Rory stared at the food.
"I just said I'm not upset."
"I don't mean about that," Jess said, which Rory already knew. "Are you okay?"
"I'm better than I was last night," Rory said, after a pause. "I don't feel like throwing things."
"Rory," Jess insisted. She made the mistake of looking up. The concern in his gaze made her waver and Rory faltered as she tried to reassure him.
"I'm...I'll be okay."
"Rory, you don't have to go anywhere."
"Yes, I do," Rory said, managing to sound firm this time. "I can't stay here forever, crashing in your bed and using all your hot water."
Jess smiled but his eyes were still questioning and Rory deliberately looked away.
"I have to go home and talk to Logan," she said bravely. "Try and figure this thing out."
"Okay," Jess said quietly and Rory added,
"I think I might get through an argument without throwing a glass this time."
Jess smiled and Rory asked tentatively,
"It was a crazy thing to do, wasn't it?"
"Everyone does something crazy at least once in their life," Jess said wisely. "Trust me."
"Should I trust you?"
"I should know," Jess said, getting up. "Here, I'll get you some coffee."
He poured her a cup and Rory kneaded her temple with her hand. Her head felt tense at the thought of going back, her whole body, and she couldn't imagine what she would say to Logan, nor what he would say to her. Would he be sorry today or would he be angry at the way she had left, not even bringing her cellphone to call? Rory felt a sudden rush of nausea and pushed the pancakes away.
"What's wrong?" Jess asked, noticing, and Rory shook her head, taking the coffee he offered.
"Nothing – I'm just not hungry."
She sipped the coffee and Jess gazed at her before saying,
"Rory, if you need someplace to stay or if you just want to talk..."
"Jess-"
"I'm always here," he finished shyly. "If you need somewhere to go."
Rory stared down at her coffee and said,
"I don't want to bother you."
"You're not bothering me," Jess exhaled. "Look, I want you to bother me, if – we're friends, aren't we?"
Rory looked up to see him. He was staring with an anxious look in his eyes and she reassured,
"Yes, we are. I want to be."
"Good."
"Jess, I didn't mean to freak you out last night," Rory said awkwardly. "It was a really bad fight, but it's not like – I don't want you to think something bad's going on."
Jess nodded but he didn't say anything. Rory finished her coffee in silence.
"I guess I should go," she said resolutely. "Thanks for everything...it was so good of you."
"It's what friends do," Jess said with his crooked grin. "And you don't need to thank me like that every time."
Rory smiled without trying and said,
"I do really appreciate it though."
"I know you do," Jess said, reaching over and brushing her hand with his. "You don't need to tell me."
Rory felt strangely serious as she looked at him and said sincerely,
"Thank you, Jess," and, though he had just told her not to say it, Jess nodded and said,
"You're welcome."
Rory smiled and Jess added,
"You know, if we're friends, you can call me anytime – it doesn't just have to be when you're mad at him."
Rory felt ashamed as she remembered that she'd avoided the diner.
"I didn't want it to be weird," she explained.
"It's not weird for me. Is it weird for you?"
"I don't want it to be," Rory said honestly and Jess said,
"Has it felt weird being here?"
Rory shook her head and Jess said,
"Maybe we could hang out sometime...here or at Luke's. What do you think?"
"I think that sounds good," Rory said, smiling. "Maybe not now, but –"
"Soon?"
"Yeah – soon."
They smiled at each other and Rory shook herself.
"I really need to go."
She was careful not to thank him as Jess got up.
Rory gathered all her things, put on her jacket and left the apartment. It was only when she had reached the gazebo that Jess's words of not needing to thank him every time suggested that he expected more. Rory stopped beside her car and closed her eyes, feeling the dizzy rush of nausea again.
"Rory?"
Rory jumped and looked round. Her mother was hurrying towards her, a confused expression on her face and Rory opened and shut her mouth.
"What are you doing here?"
"Logan hasn't called you?" Rory asked. Lorelai frowned.
"Why would he call me? What's going on? Why are you dressed like that?"
Rory couldn't answer and stared at the ground. Lorelai bent to look at her and asked,
"What's happened?"
"I..."
Rory's voice faded. A lump grew in her throat as the ugly events of last night reared up and a lone tear trickled from her eye.
"Rory?" Lorelai sounded frightened. Her daughter didn't say anything and Lorelai took her hand.
"Come on," she said quietly. "Let's go home."
Rory followed her back to the house, her face bowed to the ground. She was sure someone from Star Hollow would see her but didn't care and it was only when her mother seated her at the kitchen table, carefully placing a blanket around her shoulders and a cup of coffee in her hands that she dared look up. Lorelai had the same anxious look Jess had had and it sounded in her voice as she said,
"Talk to me, Rory. What's going on?"
"I had a fight with Logan," Rory said, surprised at the clearness of her voice and Lorelai said,
"When?"
"Last night."
"Last night? How did you get here?"
"I drove," Rory said simply and Lorelai sighed, trying to mask her exasperation.
"So you didn't fly in that special machine of yours. Where did you stay? You didn't sleep in your car, did you?"
"No," Rory said slowly. "I stayed with Jess."
She heard her mother's words before she said them.
"What? You stayed with Jess?"
"He found me," Rory said quietly. "He saw me by the car – I didn't know where to go."
Lorelai stared at her daughter for a full minute. She took a breath and said,
"Tell me what happened. We'll get to Jess later. Take me through this fight."
"It was our housewarming party," Rory said, determined not to cry again. "Logan ignored me all night and then I heard him telling Colin and Finn all this stuff about me."
"What stuff?"
Rory bit her lip. She and Lorelai were close but not close enough to talk about that and she said uncomfortably,
"It doesn't matter. Private things."
"Rory, if it's hurt you like this then it does matter."
"I don't want to talk about it," Rory said, her voice high-pitched. "He just told them things...things I don't tell anyone and humiliated me."
Lorelai's sympathetic look showed she understood all the same and Rory continued,
"I told everyone to leave and yelled at Logan and he yelled at me."
"He yelled at you?"
"He yelled at me for not taking a joke and being oversensitive and I got really mad and I threw a glass."
Rory took a deep breath and felt a wave of hurt wash over her as her mother exclaimed,
"You what? You threw a glass?"
"Right against the wall. It smashed," Rory added, rather unnecessarily, and Lorelai shook her head.
"You would never do that."
"Like I would never steal a yacht?" Rory asked bitterly. Lorelai looked troubled.
"Then what happened?"
"Logan asked what was wrong with me and I snapped. I took off. I just drove here because I couldn't think of anywhere else to go and when I got here I didn't know what to do and Jess found me crying by my car. He took me to his apartment and let me stay the night."
"Why didn't you come to me?" Lorelai asked, hurt, and Rory shook her head.
"I was so ashamed. I didn't want to talk about it."
"You talked about it with Jess."
"I didn't go to him – he found me," Rory said defensively but the memory of how, as Jess had reminded her, she had gone to him before stung suddenly. She sipped her coffee.
"Oh, honey," Lorelai said, her voice breaking. "I should have been the one to find you."
"Mom –"
"I know. But still."
She squeezed her daughter's hand. Tears filled Rory's eyes and, before she could stop them, they were pouring down her cheeks and she was crying uncontrollably.
"Rory? Rory, what is it?"
"I'm so unhappy," Rory choked. "Mom, I'm so unhappy, all the time, and I don't know how to make it stop."
"What are you unhappy about?" Lorelai asked, still holding her hand and Rory cried,
"Everything! Everything's so screwed up, I've messed everything up and everything's falling apart!"
"What's falling apart?" Lorelai sounded alarmed and Rory sobbed,
"Everything. Me, my life, everything about me. I'm nothing, I'm just married and now that's falling apart too."
"Rory, don't talk like that," Lorelai said desperately but Rory shook her head.
"What am I doing? I'm just at home, doing nothing, and I know I should be doing something but I'm not, it's like I can't, it's like something's stopping me but I can't see it, and all I do is follow Logan wherever he goes and I'm just his wife. I'm nothing else, I'm nothing."
"Rory, that is not true," Lorelai said sharply, locking eyes with her daughter. "You are fantastic, you are my beautiful, fantastic daughter, you went to Yale and no one can take that away from you."
"I went to Yale, so what?" Rory sobbed. "What am I doing now? I'm arranging parties and cooking dinner and waiting for my husband to come home. I'm like Grandma only she was happy."
"Rory Gilmore, don't you dare compare yourself to Emily."
"Why not? It's true. The only difference is that Grandma wanted to do all those things and I didn't want any of this. I don't want any of this, I want something different. I wanted to be who I thought I would be."
Lorelai stared at her and the sadness in her eyes made Rory start crying again.
"Mom, you must be so disappointed in me. Look at how I've turned out."
"That is not true," Lorelai said fiercely, going and hugging her. "You could never, ever disappoint me."
"I'm disappointed," Rory said, crying into her shoulder. "I am."
"Shh, baby," Lorelai said gently as Rory cried helplessly. "It' s okay."
"I'm such a screw up!"
"No, you're not. You're not. We're going to fix it. You're going to fix it, we can do it together."
"How?" Rory demanded, lifting her face from Lorelai's now sodden shoulder. Lorelai looked at her and said seriously,
"Rory, I think you need to talk to someone."
"What?"
"Honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I – you think I'm that messed up?"
"It's not about being messed up," Lorelai said gently. "It's about getting help. Rory, you're crying about your life and throwing glasses. That's not good. I'm concerned about that, I have to be."
Rory was silent, unable to argue, and Lorelai said,
"I'm here for you, whenever you need me, and I want you to talk to me but you need someone who knows more than me. This won't get fixed with a movie night and pizza. Rory, if you're unhappy all the time and you don't know what to do or why you're feeling that way then you need to talk to someone."
Rory didn't say anything and Lorelai asked gently,
"What is it?"
"I'm just thinking about how Grandma said therapy was for people who went around licking mailboxes."
"You're seriously taking mental health advice from Emily Gilmore?" Lorelai asked incredulously. "You're kidding, right?"
Rory smiled and Lorelai added,
"Didn't you get therapy before?"
"Yale made me," Rory said defensively. "And you said you were sorry I was a nut."
Lorelai winced.
"Rats. Of all the jokes to make." She paused and said, "I got therapy too, once."
Rory stared at her as her mother blushed.
"You never told me that."
"It was kind of unofficial – Grandma and Grandpa tried to set Christopher up with a psychiatrist and in the car afterward I sort of spilled my lifestory to her."
"Did you ever go back?"
"No, but I probably should have. See," Lorelai smiled. "We're nuts together."
Rory laughed a little and Lorelai took her hand again.
"Rory, whatever's happened, you aren't nothing," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "You're still Rory Gilmore and she's an incredible, intelligent woman. I'm always proud to have you as my daughter."
Rory stared at her and then flung her arms around her neck.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, sweets," Lorelai said, kissing her cheek. "It's going to be fine, I promise."
"I don't know what to do now. I was going to drive back, but –"
"Go to bed," Lorelai said firmly. "Take off that dress and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I'll call Logan."
"Are you sure?"
"It's an order. I'm still your mother and I hold the right to pull out the mom card."
"You know I turned eighteen a long time ago, right?"
"Hey, the mom card has no expiry date," Lorelai said with a grin. "Bed. Go."
Rory laughed and obeyed. Despite staying at Jess's she felt incredibly tired, as though she hadn't slept at all and as she crawled under the covers she felt into a deep, bottomless sleep without dreams.