Arthur frowned at the paper he was holding. "How do you politely say that someone's a narcissistic egotistical emotionally stunted moron?"

"Tell them they're just like Prince Arthur," Merlin replied, lounging on the bed.

Arthur glared at him. "Don't you have something to do?"

"Yes. I'm keeping the bed warm."

"And yet you refuse to be called a mistress," Arthur muttered, turning back to his paper.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

There was a knock at the door and Merlin scrambled off the bed so quickly he got his foot twisted in the sheets, sending him tumbling off. "Ouch."

"I can hear you panicking in there, Merlin," Gwen called, her voice muffled through the thick oak door. "It's only me."

"Guinevere, come in," Arthur called, smothering his grin as Merlin tried to untangle himself from the sheets.

Gwen stepped in, biting her lip. "My lord."

Arthur stood. "Is something wrong?"

Gwen looked torn between running away and throwing herself at his feet. "I want to start out by apologizing, because I didn't mean it—that is, I did, but I wasn't thinking—only Morgana was suspicious and I knew you wouldn't want her finding out and, well, it was simply impossible to change her mind—"

"Spit it out, Gwen," Merlin called from the floor.

"Morgana," Gwen said, fiddling with her dress, "Has gotten it into her head that you and I are in love."

Arthur then learned it was possible to choke on your own spit. "She—what?"

"Well, you know how I come up here to speak with Merlin at odd hours, because he sleeps with you," Gwen explained. "And I would dare say that we're friends—except we can't be, I know that, but I mean if you weren't a prince or if I were a—"

"I think we get it, Gwen," Arthur interrupted.

"Yes. And you stayed at my house for the tournament," Gwen went on.

Morgana and Uther had eventually figured out the truth about the tournament, especially after "Sir William" was seen lugging his vegetables to the market on Saturday.

"And she's come to the conclusion that we are in love."

"Well it's not an unreasonable assumption to make, given the circumstances," Arthur admitted.

Merlin finally won his battle against the bedsheets and stood up, a bit red in the face. "And you couldn't change her mind?"

"No! Believe me, I tried!"

Arthur folded his arms, thinking. On the surface this was an issue, seeing as he wasn't in love with Gwen, had no intentions of being in love with Gwen, and did not appreciate Morgana inserting her nose into his business. But on the other hand…

Gwen and Merlin, meanwhile, had descended into bickering.

"It's not like I want him anyway!" Gwen was saying.

"I'm not saying that you do, I'm just saying that it would be nice if people stopped throwing women at my lover for a change!" Merlin replied.

"Honestly, Merlin, I don't see any reason to be jealous about it."

"I'm not jealous!" Merlin protested, his ears going bright red. "Who said I was jealous?"

"Your ears," Gwen replied drily.

Yes, Arthur decided. Yes, it just might work.

"This is good," he said.

Both Gwen and Merlin turned to him. "Excuse me?" Merlin said.

"This. Is. Good." Arthur said.

Gwen looked like someone had told her to walk over hot coals. Merlin gaped like a fish.

Arthur sighed. Servants, understanding nothing of politics. "Look, Morgana thinks Gwen and I are in love, right? That means she'll be focusing on our relationship instead of my relationship with Merlin."

"I fail to see the upside to this," Merlin said.

"No, no, it just might work." Gwen turned to Merlin. "Uther wouldn't approve of my relationship with Arthur, of course, but a serving girl is better than you."

"And how is that, exactly?" Merlin spluttered.

"One, you're a servant. Two, you're a boy. Three, you're a…" Arthur mouthed Dragonlord. "That's a bit more than I think my father could handle."

"All lords have tumbles with serving girls," Gwen went on. "I'm lucky no one's tried to tumble me yet."

"That's because Arthur threatened to use a real sword on them in training instead of a blunt one," Merlin said.

"Oh." Gwen turned to Arthur. "Thank you."

Arthur waved it away. "It was no trouble."

Merlin grumbled something unintelligible.

"It's perfect, really," Arthur went on. "It's a distraction technique, Merlin. This will keep suspicion off of us."

Merlin seemed to mull it over. "I suppose it's not too bad."

"As long as Lancelot doesn't find out," Gwen added.

"He's miles away, how on earth will he find out?"

"I'm just saying!"

"All right!" Arthur held up his hands before Merlin and Gwen could snipe at each other some more. "So it's all settled then?"

Gwen and Merlin nodded.

"Wonderful. Now Gwen, I may be in fake love with you, but I'd appreciate it if you could leave now so I can help Merlin break the bed."

Gwen blushed, stammered, and hurried out.

The moment the door shut Arthur advanced on Merlin until he had backed him into the bed. Merlin squeaked.

"Are you sure you're comfortable with this?" Arthur asked.

Merlin nodded. "Yes. I mean, I'm not entirely happy about it but it makes sense."

Arthur nosed at the skin right behind Merlin's ear, enjoying the shiver Merlin gave. "As if I'd have anyone else when I've got you."

He pulled back just in time to see Merlin's blinding smile.