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CHAPTER 33

CATHERINE POV

"Damn it," clenching my phone tightly in my fist, I toss it angrily down onto my passenger seat. As much as I'd love to call Kelly to pick up Lindsey and chase after Sara right now, I can't.

Lindsey is my daughter, my first and primary priority in life. And, she deserves to be treated as such.

Plus, the added delay in seeing Sara may give me a chance to figure out just how in the hell I plan to approach this.

It's one thing to admit to yourself feelings that you're having towards someone else. That step is daunting enough. But, to be face to face with that very person? Having them watching you with such anger and disdain? It makes your heart feel like it's being clenched in a vice…and it certainly made my words freeze in my throat.

I was terrified to tell Sara my feelings for her under good circumstances. Now, having had my plan explode in my face, seeing up close Sara's anger and disgust at my actions - telling her my feelings for her now seems like a nearly impossible feat.

Like trying to cross bridges that have already been burnt to the ground, ashes scattered to the very ends of the Earth.

Pulling my SUV out of the CSI lot, I head towards Lindsey's school, trying my damndest to keep my focus on the road in front of me.

Sending the text message, I glance back up from my phone, listening to Gil's updates this morning on the other open cases in the lab. Since he and I are both joint supervisors of the night shift, it's important that I stay up to date not only on my own cases, but also on the other cases currently making their way through our lab.

Hearing the case summarizes and the current statuses of the other open investigations, I am once again impressed with this Vegas team that I'm fortunate enough to have been asked to work in.

The cases being summarized to me are all complex, not your standard B&Es we fielded almost endlessly in Montana. These are true, devastating crimes that harbor a violence and malevolence that makes you wonder how humanity is capable of such inhuman acts against one another.

The progress already made on the cases, most of which are barely a shift old, along with the sheer volume of them, draws my admiration. Yet more proof that this team is composed of efficient, brilliant people who are dedicated to this work and to getting these cases solved for their victims.

Giving Gil my own updates, I feel my phone buzz.

Sidle (6:13am): One casing from the shooter's location had a partial. Match to partial showed local gang member. Working with Brass to get location on suspect. File with his info on your desk.

Adding this update to the others, I send a quick reply as I talk.

Willows (6:15am): Okay. Thank you. Contact me when you have a location.

Finishing with Gil, I push my phone back into my pocket, sighing at the one status update that has been giving me the most angst. The one that was not among those discussed with Gil.

Namely, the complete implosion of Sara and I's working relationship.

Or, more aptly, Sara and I's anything relationship. Our working relationship is perhaps the only place we're communicating – awkward and stilted updates, yes, but at least it's something.

While I spent the night with Lindsey, I came to a couple realizations. One is that I need to speak with Sara. I need to lay everything out to the brunette, no matter how daunting that task is. She deserves to know the truth behind my motives. And, then, it's up to her what she wants to do with that information.

Secondly, I came to the realization that Sara herself likely needs some space to cool down. I violated her privacy in perhaps the most harsh of ways, and she deserves time and space from me right now. So, I didn't even approach her when I arrived this morning to find her hunched over one of the tables in the back, taking notes on our latest evidence from the shooter's scene in the desert. I left her alone, walking by silent and unnoticed.

Instead of direct interaction today, I've been texting her occasionally for updates.

Which, speaking of, I feel my phone buzz again.

Sidle (6:42am): Got location. Brass and I ready to head out.

It's a question, a request.

And, I give her what she wants.

Willows (6:43am): I'll stay here and work the other evidence. Be safe, stay with Brass.

She doesn't respond, and I don't expect her to.

Sighing, I complete the journey to the evidence locker, hoping to make some contributions of my own to this case.

"That bad?"

Brass groans, watching our colleague pacing angrily along the back wall of the interrogation room.

"Worse."

Straightening up, Brass turns his eyes to mine.

"Disrespectful bastard thinks he's the king of this town. That the law can't touch him."

"He right?"

"Pretty much," Brass states, frustration evident in his tone. "At least for now."

"Partial wasn't enough to bring him in?"

Brass shakes his head, "Partial match percentage was too low. Even on a good day would get thrown out of court. We need something more."

"And I'm sure he had alibis for everything."

"Of course," Brass snorts. "His guys were nearly falling over themselves to say he was with them."

"They want to impress their gang leader."

He nods, turning to watch Sara as she stops her pacing long enough to slam her fist angrily into the wall next to the back observation mirror.

"You think it's him?" I ask, though Sara's angered reaction already having given me my answer.

"Yes," Brass confirms. "He's definitely the bastard who took shots at the two of you."

Watching Sara's lowered head, her fist now clenched angrily where she's leaned against the wall, I nod.

"Then we nail him."

"You okay?"

Immediately, Sara jerks upright, her body standing to her full height before she turns around.

"Yes." Her eyes give nothing away. "Brass fill you in?"

I nod, only stepping slightly further into the room, not wanting her to feel crowded. After all, I'm sure she sought out this back interrogation room for the privacy it offered. Not having expected Brass and I to follow her back here. Brass left to work on his own tasks, but I wanted to check in with Sara before doing so myself.

"We have our guy," I say tightly. "That's the important thing. Now we just have to prove it."

Sara laughs darkly, "Right. With what evidence? Not to mention those guys are so protected in their fucking gang that we can barely get anyone to say a word that isn't them lying out their asses to protect this guy."

"Then we find another way."

Sara's eyes flash to mine, her fist clenching open and shut.

"Right." The tone is tight, forced.

"Look, Sara," I state evenly. "This progress is huge. Just yesterday we had no idea who this guy even was. Now, we have a name. Marcus James Kline. Now, we have a direction."

She meets my gaze, not backing down.

"A direction that heads straight into a brick wall."

"We knew this guy was likely part of a Vegas gang. One of the biggest and well protected. So, now we've confirmed it. Nothing's changed. We go after him just like we have been until we nail him."

Sara swallows, looking away from me as she tightens her grip on the table between us.

I understand Sara's anger, completely. Though Montana certainly didn't have the same gang presence that Vegas does, it had its own share of crime families and citizens that thought the law didn't apply to them. Well protected people who thought they were untouchable. My interactions with those types of people were always infuriating, leaving me with such a vile taste in my mouth. Their arrogance and complete disregard for other people making my skin crawl.

And, those people never tried to take a shot at me, literally.

Sara's interaction with this man, who tried to blow her head off with a sniper riffle just days before, had to have been beyond vexing. To look him in the eye, confirming he's the man behind that scope, and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

For now.

"We'll get him, Sara," I tell her, repeating back to her the very words she gave to me not long ago.

Having calmed down enough to perhaps realize where she is and who she's there with, she gets quiet. Very quiet.

Motioning to the door that I'm semi blocking, she's no longer meeting my eyes.

"If that's all, I'd like to get back to work."

I watch her, knowing there's nothing really I can do or say. Sara's going to keep avoiding me as much as possible, and that's just going to be how it is right now. But, we need to talk. What she does with the information I tell her is still her decision, and she may very well chose to keep avoiding me after that. But, she needs to know everything.

"Can we talk?" I ask quietly, keeping my voice low. "Not now. Not here. But, Sara, there's things we need to discuss."

"I have nothing more to say to you," Sara states lowly.

"Well I have something I need to say to you."

Sara's body is tense, and I'm sure that if I weren't blocking the door she would've walked out on me by now.

"You deserve an explanation," I tell her quietly. "For what I did."

Sara's head shakes darkly. "I don't think there's an explanation in the world that can make what you did okay."

"There isn't," I confirm. "I messed up. Big time. But, you deserve to know the entire truth behind it. There are things about me, about what I did that you need to know, Sara."

She looks up, her eyes meeting mine but remaining silent.

"I know you don't trust me, and I can't blame you. But, please, just let me speak my peace and then you never have to hear about it again. You can go on avoiding me and hating me, but at least you'll have all the information."

Her jaw is tight, the words barely making their way out.

"When?"

I hesitate, but force myself to not lose my courage. "Tonight. My place."

Sara shakes her head.

"The bar we had Greg's birthday at."

I nod, respecting her wish for neutral ground. I'm lucky enough she's even giving me this opportunity, the brunette has every right to dictate the details.

"See you there after shift."

By the time Sara walks into the bar, it's a good hour after the end of shift.

She spots me rather easily, the crowd being very scant this time of day.

Sliding into the booth across from me, she keeps her gaze on the table.

"Sorry I'm late."

She doesn't give an explanation, and her words are half-assed. I know her well enough to figure she's likely been out in the parking lot debating whether to come inside.

"It's okay."

Taking a deep breath, I glance around, glad that the bar is mostly empty. I didn't exactly picture this being the place to have this particular conversation, but I guess it's going to have to be as good as any.

Ordering some drinks as the waitress appears, we sit in silence until they arrive.

"You wanted to talk?" Sara says after we've had a few swallows.

Nodding, I put my own drink down.

"I'm so sorry for what I did, Sara," I start. Knowing it needs to be restated. That it can never be stated enough.

"We've had this conversation."

Hearing the underlying message behind her statement, I understand her desire not to spend this evening hearing more empty apologies.

"Can we…" I swallow, glancing around. "Can we take this outside?"

Perhaps keying into the slight tremor in my tone, Sara's brows furrow, the brunette perhaps not expecting to have identified such nervousness coming from me.

Sensing the seriousness of my request, she eventually stands, getting to her feet and leading the way out to the back alley she and I shared cigarettes in that night of the party.

The alley is just as secluded now as it was then.

Taking a long swallow from her drink, Sara turns around, facing me as she places her shoulder against the wall.

Deciding this is it, that I need to just go for it, I'm glad I left my own drink back inside. I need to get this out now, and I need to not use it as a crutch.

"You thought I ran the background check on you because I don't trust you. That's not it at all, Sara. I trust you more than I trust anyone here, to be honest. Even more than Gil."

Sara laughs darkly.

"Right."

I push on, not letting myself be deterred.

"The background check wasn't because of Gabe's case. Wasn't because of anything work related."

I pause, trying to get past the tight lump growing in my throat, the hammering in my heart at what I'm about to do. What I'm about to reveal.

"I wanted to know about you, about the things you were hiding. For personal reasons."

Sara's jaw tightens, her eyes burning into mine.

I push forward, letting the words come out before I can censor them.

"I didn't want to make the same mistake Kelly did."

Now, Sara's eyes narrow, confusion filtering in through her anger.

"What are you talking about, Catherine?"

It's strange, but her use of my first name after all that's transpired between us gives me a small push of courage.

"You told Kelly she would change her mind about pursuing a relationship with you if she knew your secrets. Knew who you really were."

Sara's eyes search mine.

"You said that was my business," Sara bites out. "Between me and Kelly."

"I'm not interfering between you and Kelly," I say. "Kelly made her decision. That's done. This has nothing to do with you and her." I pause, forcing my voice to continue my statement. "This has to do with you and me. With me not doing what Kelly did to you a second time."

Sara's eyes narrow even further, the brunette shaking her head.

"I don't understand."

"Sara," I breathe out, my voice lowering to a volume that's just barely audible. "I didn't want to tell you how I feel only to back out on you like she did."

Sara watches me, eyes flickering between each of mine, trying to find some clarity, some answer to what I'm saying.

"How you feel?" she asks, her own voice lowering in volume as she takes a slight step away from me.

"I think…" I force the words to come out, to not choke me as they struggle past my throat, not when I've already come this far. "I think I'm falling for you."

Sara's expression is frozen, unreadable, her eyes locked on mine as she seems to completely stop all movement.

"What?" she gets out, voice now practically a whisper.

"I think I'm falling for you," I repeat, my own tone so strained it's shaking. "I didn't want to tell you until I was sure I wanted to pursue something. Until I knew whatever the hell it was that turned Kelly away. I couldn't have you go through that type of rejection a second time."

Sara's eyes are wide, her body still frozen as her mind tries to catch up with what it is I'm telling her. Clearly, this is not at all what she expected me to be saying tonight.

"How…when…?"

I shake my head, "I never meant for this to happen. I was as surprised as you are, Sara. But, I can't ignore it anymore, pretend I don't feel the way I do about you."

Sara swallows, finally looking away as she takes another step back.

"I…" she struggles, her voice seemingly failing her.

"It's okay," I state quietly, gently. "You don't have to respond. I don't expect you to. I just wanted you to know that the reason I ran that check was to be sure of how I felt about you, all of you, before I told you I was interested. You needed to know it wasn't because I didn't trust you or respect you. Quite the opposite."

Sara's head is lowered, her eyes almost completely obstructed in shadow from the dim alley lighting.

It's clear she's shocked by this revelation, by this turn of events. And, I expected no less.

Knowing she needs time to process, I take my own step back, giving her even more space.

"I'm going to go," I tell her gently. "You need some time."

Watching her, I pull my keys and some money from my pocket to leave on the table on my way out.

"I don't expect an answer, Sara," I tell her. "That isn't what this is about. It's okay if you don't feel the same. I just…"

I pause, taking a deep breath.

"I just wanted you to know."

Giving her one last look, I turn away, disappearing back through the door and into the bar.

AN: Thanks for reading.