Author's Note: I was looking back on the recent chapters for this fanfic to see what I could have done better. I realized the previous version was unrealistic and sort of hokey. One because the concept of a "talent night" at a treatment center did not coincide with the times. The songs will remain but not in a new-age pop culture blitz kind of way. They will instead match the mood and setting for the character they represent. I also want to take the time to thank my readers for being supportive of me through the years this fic has been going and being patient with me for taking so long to update.
I also want to make clear the subject of anorexia is often taken lightly. It is nothing to joke around with or something to be proud of. The problem goes on for years and goes on unnoticed until it is too late. It is quite disturbing that the media put on today's youth what being perfect is like. More so when young girls believe you need to be a size 0 to get a boy to like you. The age expectancy for young girls to diet begins as young as early childhood. That is a disturbing statistic and one often put upon by adults.
A word on the story so far: the story will begin to take a darker turn. Ciel will delve deeper into his dark obsession while dealing with some family drama. Dr. Paris and his cohorts will rear their true ugly heads and sow seeds into the minds of their more vulnerable patients. I like to think of Anna as the two-faced best friend; one minute she is on your side the next she is plotting against you. She and Paris are not working together. They are just two opposing forces that see people as a way of obtaining a means.
Disclaimer; Kuroshitsuji does not belong to me. It belongs to Yana Toboso.
Songs mentioned:
Skins by Natalie Merchant
Scarlet by Brooke Fraser
Breathe Me by Sia
Stand In The Rain by Superchick
Chapter 16: Songs that hit close to home
The circumstances of what transpired in the Back Alley was quickly silenced; courtesy of a certain dean. A few of the staff learned the hard way when the dean threatened them with the removal of their doctoral license and expulsion. After all, Nathaniel Zephyr was no pushover or fool. Everything returned to normal save for the victim of said incident. Since the events of last week, Ciel who was still shaken from the events of last week rarely ventured from his room lest it was to visit his fri-acquaintances at the Rec Room. He was currently in his room enduring another breakfast run with Clarice. Fortunately he was spared a painstaking weigh-in on account of the stress he experiences. It did little to quell his worries though. There was still the matter of his relatives who would be coming to visit in a week's time.
"Just lovely" he whispered sarcastically landing backwards on his pillow. His face was in a grimace.
"Knowing Aunt Francis, she is going to want to see my progress and make doubly sure that her daughter's fiancée is not some sickly skeleton. Next she is probably going to bring up the importance of siring healthy children". He sighed despondently and laid a hand on his abdomen. He lifted his shirt. He was still the same as last week; just a slight indent of ribs with a slight 'pudge' coming in. He quirked his brows in confusion. Is that supposed to happen? He would have to ask Anna.
"First though, I have to see Dr. Zephyr. I need to prepare for the arrival. Surely, this place understands the finer points of confidentiality". He headed down to the dean's office and laid down some ground rules. There was the possibility that relatives of his family's enemies wandering about. Once that was done, he decided to go speak to Anna. He was halfway to his destination when a females voice called to him.
"Ciel hold on a minute". Ciel turned around to face Chelsea as she reached him. Her tied up brown hair was a tad messy. Apparently she had been running. "Hello Chelsea what it is you wanted to talk about?" he asked her. Chelsea cleared her throat. "You headed somewhere" she stated more than asked. Ciel gazed at her inquisitively. "Oh no where particular. Just going to walk about before I head back to my room" he replied off-handedly. Chelsea did not appear too convinced. "You mean the Mirror Room?" she sneered shadowing her face. Ciel glared iciliy at her.
"I do not believe that is any of your concern what I do" he retorted icily. Chelsea turned her heated hazel eyes on him. "It does if it entails something dangerous and forbidden!" She increased the intensity of her glare on the youngster. If it did affect the youngster, he was certainly doing a good show of not showing it. Chelsea softened her gaze and sighed.
"Listen Ciel, I am not sure what is possessing you to want to return to that room over and over again, but believe me when I say that nothing good can come from it. Just feel you should be weary". Ciel stared at her deadpanned. "I'll keep that in mind. Now if you will excuse me I really must be off". Chelsea watched solemnly at the boys retreating backside. She could clearly see that his clothes hung off him. She shook her head and made a vow.
"I already turned a blind eye to Rita more than once. I'll be damned if I do the same for you".
Ciel retreated down the hallway irritably.
"Gah! The nerve of that woman! She is not an adult so what right does she have ordering me around?" He grumbled animatedly until he reached his destination. He sighed sadly. "Although…in some way she sort of reminds me of my Aunt Angelina". Shaking his head of those thoughts he went inside and shut the door beside him. The inside of the room was quite chilly causing him to rub his arms. He walked up to the mirror he made his duty to visit whenever he could.
"Anna?" he called to it. There was no change. He called again. This image of Ciel distorted to that of Anna.
"Oh it's you" she replied disinterested. Ciel winced a little but ignored it. "How are you today? I apologize for not having come to visit for a while. See there was this' he strained his face painfully to find the right word 'incident a few days ago. I was confined to my room during that time" he explained. Anna examined her fingernails. "It is fine by me, it's not mandatory that you come to see me. It is not like I would miss you" she replied snobbishly. Ciel's eyes twitched. That comment actually hurt a little though he knew not why.
"Actually I have come for advice" he stated. Anna folded her arms beneath her developing chest and glanced at the boy. "This morning when I examined myself in the mirror, I noticed a slight bulge under my ribcage. Is that normal? I have been doing as you recommended instructions but other than that nothing significant".
Anna placed a finger beneath her chin. "Either they added a stronger powder or you have been putting them in one place" she speculated. Ciel hung his head in disappointment. "I will have to do better then if I want to reach my goal. Doctor Archibald advised that I do not go back to above my previous weight. Anna smirked.
"I like this guys' style. Preying on one's emotions to fulfill his twisted goals. I just might be able to use this in my favor. Ku ku ku ku".
"The way I see it Ciel, you should continue what you are doing. And do some exercise after you have ingested whatever crud they force-feed you". Ciel gawked at her.
"Are you sure that is a good idea? The last time I tried that, I ended up running to the bathroom and stayed there for at least an hour". Anna rolled her eyes. "Fine have it your way. Just don't come crying to me when things don't go as planned" the spectre snapped. Ciel stood there awestruck at the girl's abrupt answer. Anna calmed down.
"I'm sorry Ciel, I hadn't meant to snap like that. I just get so irritated when I give people advice and they automatically decide to question me on it". Anna looked remorseful. Ciel waved a hand. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have prodded when I did". The manipulative shadow grinned. I have you now.
"In all retrospect, that is all the advice I can give you for today. You should get out of here before that bothersome dean catches you in here". Anna dissipated leaving only the image of Ciel.
()
(Later that night)
Ciel wandered the halls with no real particular destination in mind. It was rare even back home, he rarely had the privilege of meandering about as he liked. The times he could it was for purposes such as paperwork or investigating a case for the Queen. Strangely enough, he felt free amongst this prison. Footsteps alerted his keen hearing. He ducked behind a moving tray that was covered with blankets in case one of the doctors or nurses passed by. The footsteps got closer. The Earl slowed his breathing and slowly poked his head out from his spot. Much to his surprise the passerby was not one of the staff but Andromeda. Her hair was tied up in a half-ponytail in a tight bun a braid overlapping her head. Her frock was replaced with a clean one. Her mouth was set in a thin line and her eyes were determined. She passed by Ciel's hiding spot and headed down the hall. But to where?
He followed after her making sure to keep a good distance from her. Recalling what he learned of her, the last thing he wanted was to set off one of her many personas. It was rather frustrating following after the woman as she kept winding around as if she suspected someone was following her. Finally, she stopped at the end of a long hallway in front of a large wall. Ciel blinked his eyes. What was so special about a wall? Suddenly, Andromeda pushed on one of the bricks and immediately the wall slid to reveal two oak doors (2). She pushed them open and disappeared inside. The wall then slid back into formation. Ciel took a puff from his inhaler and proceeded to do the same.
He quietly opened the doors and shut them behind him. He stared in amazement. The inside was a large amphitheater lit by candles and lanterns. A large mosaic containing a cross with a rose at the center allowed the moon's light to enter and light the room. There were several plush chairs suited for one's comfort. He saw the stage was being set up by some of the nurses and doctors. And did his eyes deceive him: Sonya, Susie, and Igraine were all seated watching the stage with expectant eyes. So where was…
A hand clamped itself on his mouth and a pair of arms tightened around his frame. He struggled as he tried to let out a muffled scream. "You don't knock it off, I will knock you unconscious" the voice hissed into his ear. Ciel stopped immediately upon recognizing the voice. He whipped around to face Chelsea. Her hazel eyes frowned at him.
"How did you get in here?!" she inquired. Ciel frowned. "I followed Andromeda here and was curious. What exactly is this place and why is it hidden?" he asked. Chelsea shrugged sadly.
"It would appear you stumbled upon our secret venture: Talent Night; one night of the month where people can get together and freely express themselves" she stated. Ciel felt a chill run down his spine and grimaced. He recalled a time when he and Sebastian went undercover as circus performers and went under the stage name Smiles (1).
"Try to understand Ciel, people like us…we are kept under constant supervision because the outside world perceives us as danger to ourselves and the public. About a decade ago, we could do this in public but because of budget cuts and close minded perceptions that has become impossible. We only get so much funding from her majesty that we can only do so much within these walls without her saying so. So, it became a point that we kept these jaunts secret".
"Does the dean know?" Ciel asked. Chelsea nodded. "He does and has agreed to keep it a secret. At one point, this was a private room for medical students to take private courses outside universities" Chelsea explained. Ciel nodded in understanding. "Forgive me for prying Chelsea but where are the others. Shouldn't they…"
"Rita is asleep in her bedroom. Andromeda will…she will show herself when she is ready".
"But how-
"Enough talking. Let's get you seated before the show starts" she commanded. She led Ciel down the row before her and her friends. Sitting beside him were faces he recognized. Fifi sat next to Cain who smiled shyly at Ciel. Marcus was three seats from the rest. The lights dimmed down leaving only a single spotlight. The curtains gave way and a person came into sight. Ciel's eyes widened upon recognizing Andromeda. She still looked wild and mischievous but looked exceptionally beautiful. One of the nurses pulled out a grand piano and sat down in front. Suddenly Andromeda began to sing.
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
The audience was amazed. Andromeda's voice was like silk running through the storm. Even Ciel was impressed. The song felt so familiar yet none so much. It was like she was telling her life story to all.
Because I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, content loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no
I don't need them
Ciel felt his eyes start to sting. All those days that he was stuck in that hell-hole, he contemplated just ending it all. However, the hope that someone would find him and take the suffering away kept him alive. Then, the time that Sebastian saved him, and vowed to stand by his side until the contract was fulfilled. But could he really trust those promises if all they did was bring him nothing but pain?
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Im the slow dying flower
In The frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
The Earl's eyes threatened to brim with tears. If Clarice had noticed, she said nothing. He thought back to a time when everything had been so bright, so beautiful and perfectly happy. The faces of his mother, his Aunt Angelina, and his father made him happiest. Before it was all burned away; literally. After his escape from that place, it was clear to him that his old persona had given away to hate and vengeance. The scars left on him would never disappear.
I'm the slow dying flowers
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Oh I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh I need this
Oh, what he would give for things to go back to the way they were. What he would give to be able to smile, to be open and friendly with those closest to him. Now here he was with a sickness that was hard to let go of. All because of his weakness. "Sebastian, he whispered 'you have forever scarred me worse than those cultist ever did".
Well it is dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this
The music died down. The audience clapped and cheered. Andromeda gave a graceful bow before departing behind the curtains. Various people had tears in their eyes while others simply glanced with reverence. Igraine rose up from her seat and walked up to the stage. The audience quieted down and stared wondering what the woman would do. She nodded to the nurse who pulled out another musical piece. The melody was a rather haunting one with a melancholic tone much like Andromeda's had been. She clasped her hands in prayer and Ciel couldn't help but notice how much of his mother she looked right now.
Middle of nowhere
Finally you can breathe
Nobody knows your name
It's easier
Shut your eyes tightly
Clench your fist til' they almost bleed
Cautiously, tightly
Gently expose what's underneath
And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
Even if it's real
You can't stay
[Chorus]
So there you go
You're gone for good
There you go
You're gone for good
Igraine opened her eyes and seemed to emit an ethereal glow. Even with the bandages on her arms, she never looked more beautiful; Ciel mused. He was curious as to whom the song was dedicated to.
Your mind is swollen
For months of thought without release
They've taken their toll on you
And this very moment
Of timid and fragile honesty
Is precious and rare and fleeting
And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
And even if its real
You can't stay
[Chorus 2x]
Another round of claps echoed through the stage. Ciel clapped remembering to hold his posture. It was hard to do with the enclave of emotions this night wrought on his psyche. Igraine bowed and departed the stage. He looked to his side and noticed a new occupant in the room. Dr. Zephyr was a seat at the front most row and clapping soundly with the others uncaring if people noticed him or not. He looked behind him and noticed that Sonya and Susie were missing. He looked around until he caught the familiar blonde and black locks of the two females. They both had masquerade mask on.
"Good afternoon everyone" Sonya announced. "My partner here has some experience playing the piano and will be taking the place of Nurse Salem. The song being performed by us is called "Breathe Me". Salem bowed before the crowd and departed allowing Susie to take her place at the instrument and sat down.
Help I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there is no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
At this rate, most of the audience had tears in their eyes. Ciel was amazed at how the La Dominica's could have such rich singing voices in contrast to their rowdy nature. After all you couldn't judge a book by its cover. The two girls bowed before departing the stage. Next to enter was Chelsea. Her hair was in a single braid with a slight fringe to her bangs. Her voice had a solemn airy tone.
She never slows down
She doesn't know why but when she's all alone,
Feels like its all coming down
She wont turn around,
The shadows are long, and she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down
[Chorus]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it comes crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost, can be found
You stand in the rain
She wont make a sound
Alone in this fight and the fears whispering
"if she stands she'll fall down"
She wants to be found
And the only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down
[Chorus]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it comes crashing down
Stand through the pain
You wont drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
[chorus]
Ciel failed to notice he had tears running down his face. Sometimes he too felt like running from his problems when they became too much. Like at Greg von Siemmen's party, he felt that no one was one his side. Putting a hand to his cheek, he realized to his horror…god he was crying. Quickly, he wiped his eyes on his shirt. He knew it was filthy but the dark room provided the perfect cover. He could get another one later anyway. He sniffed in an attempt to regain his composure. Anymore of this, and he feared he would break down. He stood up from his seat and began to exit the place.
"Hey Ciel where are you headed off to?" asked the leader of the La Dominica's.
Ciel did not need to turn around to know who it was. "I'm just feeling tired is all. I better get back before they accidentally lock me out of my own room" he replied jokingly. He stopped mid-step. "Uh by the way, how do you find your way out of this room. Sonya chuckled. Just pull on the candle post up ahead. You sure you don't want someone to escort you back?" she asked.
Ciel shook his head and smiled. "No thank you. I can find my own way back". Sonya stared worriedly at the retreating boy. "Well good night then" she called out. Soon, Ciel was back inside that hallway. No resounding music or conversation seeped from behind the wall. The young teen stood there for a short while and glanced up ahead. He began the long trek back to his room. The events of tonight ran through his head. Every song that was sung was like a chapter book, each chapter revealing another piece of a complicated puzzle. For him, it was like opening a can of worms; and not in the good way. It did not help that he still had to content with his relatives. He prayed they did not cause a ruckus.
In another part of the facility, a lone female sat cross-legged on her bed covered in blankets. She had chosen to stay behind because she was none to fond of nosy doctors prodding her to talk about her problems in public. God, it was bad enough she got grief from her friends about needing to eat more. She sat hugging her bony legs to her body. Her hair was matted on her face so nobody could see the storm brewing in her storm blue eyes. She had done her weigh in earlier and was frustrated to find she was at 54 kilograms (3). It was too much in her opinion. All the more reason not to attend tonight's spectacle. She could not fathom the thought of anyone seeing her pudgy, disgusting body. In her younger days, she had once been considered very beautiful, up to that day. She stood up from her bed and snarled.
"I will show them. I will be beautiful. The ugly, disgusting me they once knew no longer exist. Even if I must go the extra step!"
Marching up to the wall, she pulled out a loose brick and pulled out three pills. Formerly, she had only taken two and guzzled some water. Once finished, she slammed the glass down and breathed heavily. She clutched her pained stomach until it dissipated. She went over to her bed and pulled the covers over her. She then fell into an uneasy sleep.
It is like I said things have begun to take a darker turn. Rita as you can already tell is not in her right state of mind. The average weight for a woman of 17 is 115 to 120. I decided to make significant changes to the chapter. I decided to leave out the SonyaXMarcus moments because like I said I wanted to veer away from the teeny-bopper franchise. It will only be a matter of time if such romance between the two will happen. I sense dark forces are at work. It is debatable if lives will be lost as a result.
Also, lately it has been hot as of late. While I do love summer and the warmth, I am not so keen on the intensely hot temperatures. I actually finished this updated chapter days ago but alas procrastination decided to be a little pest and drive me stir crazy. By the way, I have recently come across an anime version of The Count of Monte Cristo. The name is called Gankutsuo: The Count of Monte Cristo. It is rather interesting with beautiful visual effects. I suggest you look it up. I just hope Alexandre Dumas forgives us for having turned a classic of his into a hyped up anime amalgamation.
Chapter Footnotes:
(1) Noah's Arc Circus
(2) Every large place has to have one?
(3) 119; below the weight limit for Rita's age.