AN: Thanks as always for reading - I always enjoy taking these journeys with you guys.

Take care and enjoy.

CHAPTER 36

CATHERINE POV

The moment I first see Sara at the lab, I pull her aside, gently taking her arm as she's about to enter the breakroom for assignments.

"Thank you."

Her eyes lift to mine, her expression betraying the nervousness and discomfort lying beneath. She took a huge step leaving that information at my door last night, and now she's clearly angsting over what the consequences will be. What they maybe already are.

"I haven't looked at anything yet," I tell her, seeing some of her anxiety leave, only to be replaced a few moments later.

Just because I haven't looked yet, doesn't mean I'm not going to. She knows I will, and now it's only a matter of time. The guillotine is literally hanging over her head, and she's simply waiting for the moment it's dropped.

She nods, starting to pull her arm away when I tighten my grip.

"Sara."

Lifting her eyes back to mine, I try to offer her some sort of reassurance, some sort of promise that everything is going to be okay. That her kind gesture didn't just seal our fate – send it on a journey from which it will never recover.

But, the words fail me. I have no idea what information those papers hold, and to give her any sort of reassurances would not be truthful. I have no idea what I will decide when I read the words on those pages, and to act otherwise is a lie – one that could prove more hurtful than not saying anything at all.

We both known there's nothing more to be said, not yet.

Instead, I squeeze her arm gently, then, I let her go.

As we walk into the breakroom together, I can only hope my actions were not a foreshadowing of what's to come – that this is the last time I let her go.

"How was your case?"

Sara puts something in her locker, turning slightly towards me, but not facing me entirely as she continues to organize herself.

"Good," she says with a slight shrug. "Seems pretty straightforward, will probably have it closed by next shift."

I nod, "Same."

While us turning our desert rave case over to the DA has been a blessing, it definitely made today's case that Gil assigned me feel a bit lackluster. Which, while not making for the most exciting shift, I'm definitely not complaining about.

"Grissom give you the weekend off?" I ask, our boss having surprised me with the gesture as we headed out to our scene together.

I haven't seen Sara since morning assignments, the brunette having been sent out on a solo.

"Yeah," she answers. "Said something about wanting us to have some proper time off to rest and get ourselves resituated after our case."

I smile, having heard the same message from our boss.

"You going to take it?" I ask, knowing Sara and time off really are an oxymoron. Most times seems like you have to chase Sara out of here with a weapon to get her to even think about leaving.

Seeing my expression when she turns, she sends me a slightly amused look.

"I'm not that bad about taking time off," she says.

"Yes," I tell her seriously. "You are."

Smiling slightly, she shakes her head before grabbing her bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

"Well, this time you're wrong," she says. "I'm taking it."

"Really?" I raise a brow.

She nods, "I'm heading up to the mountains for a while. Get away from here for a bit. Clear my head."

I smile, "That actually sounds really nice, Sar."

I know Sara and I both really need this weekend to get ourselves back together after running ourselves ragged on our desert case. Some true, proper time off after working nonstop shift after shift.

"Just promise me," I tell her as we walk out together, "That you won't go running along ravines or get attacked by a bear."

Sara looks over at me, "That only happened once."

Both my eyes widen, staring at her in horror until I see the small smile pulling at her lips.

"You ass," I tell her, hitting her shoulder. "Way to give me a stroke."

"Don't worry," she tells me. "The mountains are much safer for running. You either survive or you fall off the entire mountain. You either survive or you don't – no inconvenient injuries or maiming to have to worry about."

Smile widening into a grin, she sends me a wink as she reaches her Jeep.

"Enjoy your weekend," she calls to me, getting in her Jeep with a wave before I can respond.

Good God, I mutter to myself. That girl is going to be the death of me.

Taking a deep breath, I get into my own car, both excited and nervous about the weekend ahead.

Excited for all the fun activities I have planned with Lindsey, nervous about the other, daunting activity I know I need to address.

I can't drag this out any longer – Sara deserves better from me. While she puts up a good front, I know she's worrying herself sick over this decision looming over our heads. It has to be this weekend, when I have the proper amount of time to devote to going through those files.

Sighing, I turn on the radio, hoping to drown out my thoughts until I reach home.

Glancing over my daughter, I make sure she's fully asleep before closing her bedroom door and quietly making my way back into the living room.

I've avoided this long enough, having spent all day today with Lindsey – out at the zoo, dinner, ice cream. All the wonderful mother daughter things I've been eager to have the time to do.

Now that she's asleep, however, there's nothing left to keep me from the large package burning a hole through the bottom drawer of my coffee table.

Pulling it open, I take out the package, pouring the pages out onto the glass surface.

Taking the first two pages, I look them over. Heart immediately clenching, I realize very quickly that this isn't going to be easy. The first pages contain excerpts from Sara's medical records. Summaries of past injures, ones that have abuse and neglect written all over them – having seen reports like this in past cases I've worked. Yet, none of them were apparently enough to get Sara out of that situation, each report from different hospitals, no one ever having connected them all together – or perhaps too lazy to care.

I already knew about this portion of Sara's past, likely why she put the pages first. But, while I already knew this portion, seeing it in black and white still has my blood boiling. I know here and now that this task, these pages, are not going to be easy.

If this information that I had already known is giving me this much anxiety and anger, I can only imagine what the remaining information will do to me.

Hands clenching, I let my eyes take in the information before me, take in the hell that Sara's body has been through, before forcing myself to take a deep breath and set them aside.

Picking up the next pages, I furrow my brows as I recognize court documents. A case from when Sara was still young. Some of the information has been blacked out, but Sara has filled in the censored information so that the reports are easily readable and understandable.

As my eyes make their way through the information, I feel my heart thundering in my chest – the constriction I feel there as my gaze takes in page after page, the words flying by as my thoughts start to churn even faster.

Oh my God.

Reading each page, one at a time, my eyes never leave the words being revealed to me, the pieces of information and portions of Sara's life that are unearthed in those pages. The secrets she's no doubt kept buried for all these years.

By the time I reach the last page, the last secret to be revealed, my body feels numb, my brain barely able to register everything it's been shown. Everything it's learned and seen.

Setting the papers down, I push them away from me, not wanting them near me any longer. When I run my hands through my hair, I note the moisture on my face. The trails from tears that have carved rivers down my skin.

Oh my God.

"Hello?"

"Can you come over?"

The sleepy voice on the other end of the line halts, then, "Catherine?" Now, sounding much more awake. "What's wrong?"

"Can you just…can you come over?"

There's no hesitation.

"Of course, I'll be there in five."

We hang up, and it's one of the longest five minutes of my life.

"Catherine?" Kelly immediately states as soon as my door is open, eyes frantically looking me over as she steps inside. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

I let her in, closing the door behind us.

Heading to the living room, I know there's no way to ease into this.

"I need to talk to you," I tell her.

"Okay," she gets out, eyes still nervously looking me over for any hint of what could be wrong.

"It's about Sara."

This has her pausing, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Is she okay?"

I nod, gesturing down to the coffee table.

Kelly studies me a moment more before she moves forward, glancing over the papers. When she finally starts to read a few, she straightens up, expression paling as she turns to face me.

"This is…" she gestures to the papers. "These are about Sara. Her past…"

Eyes wide, she looks at me. "What did you do, Catherine?"

"I didn't," I state, "Well, I did. But…"

Clearing my throat, I focus on what I need to.

"Sara gave these to me."

"What?" Kelly's eyebrows rise. "Why?"

I brace myself for what I have to say next.

"She wanted me to be able to make my own decision."

Kelly watches me, then, the moment it clicks, she stiffens, taking a step back.

"What are you saying, Catherine?"

"I'm saying we have a lot to talk about, Kel."

Kelly's jaw tightens, nodding slowly.

"Apparently we do."

When we sit, I anxiously rub my temples, trying to keep myself together. My brain is still swimming from the information on those pages, let alone this conversation I'm having.

"I have feelings for her, Kelly."

She's watching me, looking at me like I'm trying to tell her that planet Earth actually has two moons.

"But you said…when I asked you…you said you were fine with it. That you didn't feel that way about her."

"And I didn't," I answer honestly. "At that time I didn't. I didn't realize until I thought I'd lost her to you that I even cared. That I even thought about her in that way."

"But now you do?"

I nod.

"What if I'd decided to pursue something with her?" Kelly asks, eyes wide as she tries to take this in. "What if Sara and I had actually gotten together?"

I shake my head, "I honestly don't know what I would have done or said."

"Jesus, Catherine," Kelly gets out. "How long have you felt this way?"

"A while," I tell her sincerely. "When you told me you had feelings for her – that's what made me realize my own."

"All this time," Kelly whispers out, emotions weighing down her voice. "And you never said anything to me."

"I'm sorry," I tell her genuinely. "I really am. I didn't know if Sara even felt the same, and then we had our case. There was just never a good time."

"That's bullshit," Kelly gets out. "I'm sorry, but it is. You know better than that."

And, I do. Kelly has been the one person that I've always been completely open with, and she has been with me. With Kelly and I, there is no such thing as waiting for a 'good time' to share something as important as this.

"I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I should have been as open as you were when you told me about you and Sara. I just…I think I was scared."

"Of what?"

"Of losing her, of losing you. Of messing this all up."

Kelly shakes her head, still trying to work her way through this information.

"Does Sara know how you feel?"

I nod, "We talked about it. That's why she gave me the information she did."

"Because she feels the same?" Kelly asks.

I nod again, "She does."

I can see that Kelly is somewhat hurt by the information I'm dropping on her, and I can see how hard she is fighting to not be hurt. I can see the acceptance and resignation in her eyes, but there's a lot of other, sadder emotions there as well.

"Do you regret your decision to let her go?" I ask her directly, needing to know the answer.

Kelly watches me, then shakes her head.

"No," she tells me, and I know her well enough to see that she's being honest. "Sara and I weren't good matches for each other. I knew when she shared that information with me – I knew we wouldn't work out."

Kelly's eyes shift to the papers on the table, the papers that she's essentially referencing.

"Did you read it all?" Kelly asks.

I nod, not knowing really what to say.

"What are you going to tell her?" Kelly asks, taking a similar direct approach.

"I'm going to tell her the truth," I answer. "I'm going to tell her that the information in those files doesn't change the way I feel about her."

Kelly doesn't move, doesn't speak, then, she slowly blinks in disbelief.

"What?"

I keep my gaze even with hers.

"I can respect and understand why it changed your feelings towards her, Kelly," I tell her honestly. "But it doesn't change mine."

"Catherine…" Kelly shakes her head. "I'm not trying to be rude, but how can it not?"

"It's not who she is," I state evenly. "Those pages are pieces of her, but I know who she is. She's proven to me time and time again who she is."

"She…" Kelly seems at a loss for words.

"I know."

"Do you?" Kelly gets out, voice raising slightly. "Because she killed someone, Catherine. In case you didn't understand that portion of the information."

I keep my gaze even with hers, "I understood it just fine."

"How…" Kelly again searches for how to say what she's thinking. "How can that not matter to you?"

"It matters," I counter. "But what matters more were the circumstances. I probably would have done the same thing."

"She killed someone - I don't think there are circumstances where that's okay."

"Really?" I question. "If someone did to Lindsey what that bastard did to her brother?"

I shake my head, "I'm sorry, but if there was a monster out there who did those terrible, vile things, then I think it would be within reason to do exactly what Sara did."

"It's not our job to play judge and jury," Kelly shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but I think that people need to draw a line regarding what's okay and what's not. And my line is different than hers. Apparently also different than yours."

"Kelly…"

"Can you tell me the information there honestly doesn't worry you?" Kelly pushes, eyes boring into mine. "Nothing in there gives you pause?"

"What are you getting at, Kelly?"

Letting out a breath, my friend steadies herself, preparing the words she knows will not go over well.

"You have no reservations about being with someone like Sara?" Kelly questions. "Even after Eddie?"

I narrow my eyes, having a hard time digesting what she's implying. "Are you suggesting Sara Sidle is anything like Eddie? Because heaven help me, Kelly, you are so off base."

"Her background," Kelly pushes on, knowing we've always been honest with one another, no matter how difficult the topic. "The abuse, her criminal record even before she killed that man, her mother's mental illness. Sara Sidle isn't someone who I think either of us know very well at all."

"We don't," I agree. "Thus her wanting to share that information. Her home life was hell, then she was sent into foster care where she was passed from one abusive home to another. Are you really all that surprised that she found her way into some less than stellar crowds? Did some regrettable things?"

"No," she answers honestly. "We all have done some stupid shit in our past, even stupid petty crimes like she did while in those foster homes. But our criminal records usually stop there. They usually don't involve murder."

"That man was abusing her brother!" I yell, starting to lose my own patience. Starting to get frustrated at my friend who seemingly refuses to see this from any other point of view than her own. "That man killed her brother. Sara found…Sara found his body…she was there when…"

I trail off, trying to stomach what those files revealed. I had known Sara's brother had passed away, she'd told me that much herself. But, the circumstances of his death were unlike anything I would have ever imagined.

"He killed him right in front of her. Would have killed her sister as well if Sara hadn't done what she did."

Kelly shakes her head, "She killed that man with her bare hands, Catherine. I'm sorry, but there are people in this world capable of something like that, and I don't think those are the people I want to spend my life next to. And, honestly, I'm surprised that you do after Eddie."

"Stop putting Sara and Eddie together in the same sentence! Sara would never hurt me," I state, not a single doubt in my mind.

"And how do you know that?" Kelly pushes, gaze burning into mine. "How do you know something else won't push her into snapping someday?" she questions. "Someone is either always or never capable of doing something like that."

Kelly's voice turns low, knowing Lindsey is in the house.

"So how can you be so sure that you and your daughter would always be safe? Do you not have any single doubt about that?"

I shake my head. "None," I answer honestly. "Maybe that makes me naive, but no, I have no doubts. Sara is a good person. She's sacrificed everything for the safety of me and my daughter ever since I've known her. Sara would never hurt us."

"You don't know that."

"I do," I counter. "And, honestly, if she were going to hurt me, she likely would have done it by now. Instead…"

"Instead?"

I pause, hesitating before resuming. "Instead I'm the one who's hurt her."

Kelly furrows her brows. "What?"

"Already," I say, "I've hit Sara, twice. So does that make me a monster?"

Kelly's eyes narrow, trying to make sense of my words.

"If one of us is Eddie, Kelly, then it's not Sara. It's me."

"Cath, stop," Kelly says, stepping forward slightly. "You know you're nothing like Eddie."

"My point is," I continue, "that you can't have it both ways. When it comes to someone hurting the other, your concerns are focused on the wrong person. Sara would never hurt me. And she's proven to me time and time again that my life is safe in her hands."

I search my friend's gaze for any sign of understanding.

"Sara was a teenager, pushed around all her life and abused day after day after day. Then someone literally kills her brother right in front of her after years of his own abuse. She sees that same person make a move towards hurting her sister, and Sara does what she had to do to keep her sister safe. To not lose another member of her family."

I swallow tightly.

"Do you know what they found in that man's house afterward?"

Kelly is quiet, eyes no longer meeting mine.

"They found bodies, Kelly. Numerous bodies in various stages of decomposition. Children. He'd been doing this for years. Foster kids would go missing, he'd tell the police they ran away, and no one cared enough to investigate. Think of how many more children would be dead if Sara didn't step in when it happened to her own brother."

I shake my head.

"I'm not sure she even meant to kill him," I continue. "I think she was just trying to protect her sister. And, the justice system clearly agreed, none of it even made it out of the preliminary court investigations to a trial. The only ones ever charged with anything were those city workers who were negligent all these years for all these kids, never catching on to the violence occurring right under their watch. Everything regarding Sara was expunged."

Kelly is quiet for a while, neither of us saying anything as we wade through our own thoughts, our own emotions.

"It scares me," Kelly finally gets out, voice quiet, resigned. "I'm sorry, but her history scares me. I think about all those things she's been through, all those things she's done, and it makes me nervous. She makes me nervous."

"I trust her," I state after a moment of my own contemplation.

Yes, Sara's history is horrible. The things that have been done to her and the things she herself has done. But, I know the person that Sara is today. And, like I told Kelly, I'd trust that person with my life. Hell, my life has been in her hands multiple times, and she's protected me without regard to her own safety each and every time.

She's probably one of the very few people in my life that I feel completely safe around. The other one being the person standing in front of me right now.

Kelly's instincts have always been excellent. And, my friend has been through enough of her own shit in life to know when someone is bad news. But, this is one of the very few times I believe she's gotten it wrong.

Very, very wrong.

She doesn't know Sara like I do. She hasn't seen Sara in her moments of vulnerability like I have. Seen the way Sara has acted in those moments like I have.

"Then I wish you both the very best," Kelly interrupts my thoughts, voice strained. "I'm happy for you, Catherine."

"Are you really?" I question. "Even when you don't like her?"

"Never said I didn't like her," Kelly counters. "I just don't like her past because I'm not convinced it doesn't reflect what is possible during her future."

Kelly looks at me for a long time, eventually continuing.

"But," she says. "You're an adult who can make her own decisions."

She lowers her gaze, face growing solemn before she brings her eyes back up to mine.

"I just hope you're right about her and that I'm wrong," Kelly gets out. "I pray to God that I'm the one who's wrong."

By the time my car pulls into the lot, the sun is just peaking over the mountains. Not knowing whether Sara is even here or not, I scan the cars parked around me until they land on her Jeep. Seeing the large, fresh streaks of mud splashed along the sides, I smile slightly, taking it as a sign that Sara was successfully able to escape into nature for a while this weekend.

As I make my way to her apartment, I try to keep myself calm.

I completed one difficult conversation, and this one should be the easier of the two. But, it's rare that anything between Sara and I is ever truly easy.

I know better than that.

Ascending the steps, I move down the hallway until I reach her apartment. Then, knocking, I try stop holding my breath.

When she pulls the door open, what looks like some clothes ready for the laundry held in her arms, she does a double take. Clearly I'm not the person she was expecting to be paying her a visit this early in the morning.

"Catherine?" she questions, eyes looking me over. "Everything okay?"

"I know I'll see you later today at work," I say quietly, trying to steady myself. "But I wanted to talk with you in private before then."

Sara takes this in, features paling slightly as she clearly knows now why I'm here. What I'm here to discuss.

Stepping back, she gives me room to pass her and enter her apartment.

"Sorry for the mess," she says as she closes the door, gesturing towards the various camping items laid out along her wooden flooring.

Even her 'mess' is neatly organized, I note with a small smile.

"Did you have a good time?"

She nods, glancing back over to me as she sets down the clothes and pours us some coffee.

"It was nice to get away," she says as she gets out the creamer.

"Thanks," I state when she hands me my cup. "And I'm glad you had a nice time. Nature seems to agree with you."

Looking up, she watches me as I watch her.

She's tense, yes, but she also has a peace about her that hasn't been there for a very long time. I think Sara has done some reflecting of her own on her trip, and she seems to have come to some of her own internal decisions. Or, noting her tanned skin and the streaks of mud still on her own clothing, she perhaps is just too worn out to have room for anything else right now.

"You and I seem to have very different ideas of a vacation," I tell her with a slight smile.

Following my gaze, she notes the mud along her shirt, the specks of it trailing along her exposed shoulders.

Cheeks reddening slightly, she looks back up at me.

"Sorry," she offers. "I just got back and finished unloading the car. Haven't gotten to the shower part yet."

I smile, "No worries, it's a good look on you. And you somehow still smell as fantastic as you always do."

Sara laughs at this, swallowing a sip of coffee. "Good to know."

Enjoying our coffee a few minutes more, I eventually set mine down on the counter, knowing we can't dance around this forever.

"I read the papers you gave me."

Sara nods herself, knowing this part of the conversation was coming. Setting her own coffee down, she plays with the rim of the mug.

"Okay," she tells me, trying to keep her voice steady.

Glancing up at me, she steadies herself, drawing herself up to her full height.

"Should we sit down?" she offers.

"Yes," I answer. "I think that's a good idea."

Taking a deep breath, Sara leads the way, gesturing towards her couch.

As we get situated, Sara choosing a seat across from me instead of next to me, I prepare myself for the conversation ahead. I know that, ultimately, this is it. This is the point where Sara and I define what we are, what we want, where we're headed.

This is the point that both excites and terrifies me.

AN: Thanks for reading.