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The day after they got back Rory went to see Lorelai. Her mother came running out to see her, Paul Anka at her heels, and hugged Rory hard.

"You're back! You look tan."

"How can I look tan?" Rory laughed. "I didn't even wear a bathing suit. You know how easily I burn. I wore a ton of sunscreen."

"You still have a healthy glow," Lorelai decided, putting her arm around Rory and leading her into the house. "As my mother would say!"

They settled down at the table with a cup of coffee, Paul Anka between them.

"So," Lorelai smiled. "Tell me all about it."

Rory shrugged.

"There isn't a whole lot to tell."

"You were on Martha's Vineyard! There's a ton of stuff to do out there!"

"We didn't leave the beach house that much."

"Why not?" Lorelai exclaimed and then blushed. "Or do I not want to know why not?"

"Mom! Not that, Logan was working. We sat on the beach outside while he worked on his laptop."

"What did you do?"

"I read," Rory said. "Or I tried to, anyway."

"Sounds..."

"Boring?"

Lorelai laughed.

"I was going for relaxing, but –"

"I guess it was a little. I went out one day though – Logan had to go into Massachusetts and I explored the Vineyard a little. Here, I took some photos for you."

Rory got her phone out and showed Lorelai the pictures of the coastline. Her mother admired them and asked,

"Why did Logan have to go into Massachusetts?"

"Work."

"You were on vacation!"

"It was something he couldn't get out of," Rory shrugged. Lorelai nodded, looking uneasy, but merely asked,

"Did you have a bad time?"

"No," Rory said thoughtfully. "It was fine."

She sipped her coffee and Lorelai nudged her.

"But not great?"

"I'm kind of glad to be back," Rory admitted. "I was there with Logan all the time."

"He was annoying you?"

"No – yes – it was weird, Mom," Rory said, putting the cup down. "He was there but he was working the whole time. It was like he wasn't there but then when went into Massachusetts for the day I felt like I could relax."

"You weren't relaxed before?"

"I didn't have any time to myself," Rory explained. "Only when I went for walks in the evening and even then I'd be thinking about we should eat for dinner. And it still felt weird after the Jess thing."

Lorelai looked at her, lips pursed with a frown on her face.

"The Jess thing?" she echoed. "You mean when you told him about breakfast, he's still mad about that?"

Rory blushed and Lorelai's mouth fell open.

"Logan found out, didn't he?"

"Don't say I told you so," Rory warned, her voice shaking. "Just don't."

"Okay, but – oh Rory, what is it?" Lorelai stopped, mid-tease as she saw her daughter's face. "What happened?"

"Logan flipped out and told me never to see him again."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Did you explain it was all innocent?"

"He didn't want to hear it," Rory said miserably. She wanted to tell Lorelai about the kiss but couldn't face the onslaught on questions, or possible threats to hit Jess for kissing her very married daughter. Lorelai sighed.

"What did you say?"

"I told him he couldn't tell me who I could be friends with and he went out and got drunk."

Lorelai winced.

"I get why he's jealous," she said honestly. "But he can't decide that."

"You don't think?"

"He should trust you," Lorelai said, sounding troubled. "Did you make up?"

"I guess...we went away together. We didn't say anything else about it. I don't know, Mom," Rory said wearily. "I don't know what to do. Grandma said marriage was compromise and I don't want to hurt Logan –"

"You're seriously taking Emily's opinion?"

"She has a pretty strong marriage."

"Yeah, but she also thinks serving tea in the wrong cups makes you a leper," Lorelai said, making Rory laugh. "Sweetie, you haven't done anything wrong. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "I don't know."

Lorelai nodded and Rory caught sight of the clock over the mantel.

"Mom, I've got to go, I've got my doctor's appointment in less than an hour."

"That's today?" Lorelai exclaimed. "You didn't tell me!"

"I told you about the first one last week!"

"Not about this!" Lorelai retorted as Rory got her purse. Rory slid on her jacket and Lorelai stopped her, giving her a hug.

"I am really proud that you went to talk to someone," she said gently. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," Rory smiled and she looked away as Lorelai said,

"I'd like to hear more about it."

"I'll tell you later," Rory said vaguely, as she hurried to her car. "I've got to run!"

Lorelai waved and waved as she drove away. Rory hadn't told her the full details, just that she had gone. To her relief she hadn't had time to tell the full story and Rory watched her mother shrink in the mirror.

The appointment felt much the same as the last. Rory sat in the chair besides Doctor Moran's desk and again she asked her,

"I'd like to hear some more about you."

"Like what?"

"Anything," the doctor said pleasantly. "Your school life, Yale. Maybe that boat incident you were so elusive about."

Rory's cheeks coloured and the doctor added,

"Not if you don't want. We can talk about anything."

"It was a really, really bad thing that I did," Rory said, speaking into her lap. "The worst."

"Do you mean the boat?"

"All of it – the whole year."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Rory exhaled and looked up.

"I don't know where it started," she said unhappily. "I was unhappy."

"Unhappy just that night?"

"Yes – no – I mean, I was more unhappy then but I'd been unhappy for a while."

"How so?"

"My first year of Yale wasn't how I planned."

"College can be overwehelming," the doctor said knowingly. Rory shook her head.

"It was lonely. It was hard too, but it was lonely. I'd never felt that way before."

The doctor looked at her, waiting for her to carry on and Rory laughed bitterly.

"And I was only in New Haven, I didn't even leave the state."

"How were you lonely?"

"I didn't know anyone," Rory said, before shaking her head. "Actually, I roomed with someone I went to Chilton with – we're still friends – but I didn't know anyone from home. I lived in Stars Hollow practically my whole life and I missed it so much. I missed my mom, I missed her like crazy. She was so busy that year, she was starting her inn, and I was busy with work and and I missed her just being there. I had so much studying but I just missed her being around and to talk to if I felt stressed. My best friend lived with me for a couple of weeks but then she had to go too and I...I felt really alone," she finished, feeling awkward, but the doctor nodded.

"It's very common."

"I had to drop a class," Rory said, the memory hurting as she said it. "I had to drop a class and I felt a total failure."

"That's common too."

"Right, but..." Rory slowed down, trying to formulate the words. "Most people talk about it with their friends. My best friends weren't there except for Paris, and she's – she's not a friend I can talk about failure with. I wound up crying on my ex-boyfriend's shoulder."

The doctor looked at her, slightly confused and Rory added,

"My married ex-boyfriend."

"I see."

"And...and I didn't plan it but I slept with him," Rory confessed. "I slept with him at the end of the year, when he was still married. That was my first time."

She stared at the doctor, wondering if she would reprobate her, but Doctor Moran said,

"I'm here to listen, not judge, Rory. None of this will leave the room."

"I did it again," Rory said, taking a breath. "When I knew he was still married, when I knew it was wrong. I stayed with him, even when I knew how disappointed my mom was."

"Why do you think you stayed with him?"

"Because..." Rory stopped thoughtfully. "He was always so reliable, so safe. He was my Dean. That was his name."

"Was he your first boyfriend?"

"Yes. Before I met Dean, I'd never even kissed a boy."

"How old were you?"

"Sixteen. We were together two years."

"That's a long time, for a teenager," the doctor said, putting her pen down. "Why did you break up?"

"We broke up more than once."

"What happened each time?"

"The first time, he told me he loved me and I couldn't say it back," Rory told her. "I was sixteen and it was a really big deal."

"It is a really big deal."

"He thought – I don't know what he thought," Rory said miserably. "I guess he didn't want to be with someone who didn't feel the same way."

"It's a lot to expect from a sixteen-year-old, or from anyone, for that matter."

"He didn't see it that way. We made up a few months later, anyway. I figured out I loved him and we got back together."

"Then what happened?"

"Jess came to town."

"Who's Jess?"

"Jess is –" Rory paused. "He was my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend after Dean?"

"That's why we broke up."

"What happened exactly?"

"He's the nephew of my mom's friend Luke," Rory said. "We've known him for years. She went out with him, but it was after that. He took Jess in because he was having trouble at home and we made friends. Dean got jealous and split up with me."

"Did you cheat on him?"

"I kissed him, so I guess. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. I never told Dean. I never meant to hurt him."

Rory bit her lip. History suddenly felt horribly fresh in her mind.

"Why did you stay with him?"

"I...he loved me," Rory said. "I loved him, or I thought I did. Everyone loved him, my mother...he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt guilty that I didn't."

"How did he know?"

"He didn't know about the kiss but he could tell we had feelings for each other so he dumped me, right in front of everyone."

"That must have hurt."

"It did but...but I was with Jess after that," Rory said thoughtfully. "And it didn't hurt as badly as the first time we split up."

"What was your relationship with Jess like?"

"Different," Rory said, after a pause. "It was different."

"In what way?"

"With Dean, it was predictable," Rory said. "We made plans, we'd hang out with my mom and it...it felt safe."

"And you felt unsafe with Jess?"

"No," Rory said, frowning. "I didn't feel unsafe, but I felt different. It was all different. We did things on the spur of the moment, like going to concerts, or we'd stay in and watch a movie but it felt exciting. I felt excited with him and we'd argue about books and music and it was just...it was different, but in a really good way."

"Why did that relationship end?"

"He left," Rory said shortly. "He took off – he had a lot of stuff going on at home and he went to see his dad in California. He never told me."

"Were you upset?"

"Of course I was upset!" Rory exclaimed, staring at her. "I...I mean, I guess we were young and wouldn't have made it but it hurt. It hurt that he couldn't talk to me. It hurt that I didn't know, that he didn't want me to. It was right as I graduated high school and I called him. He kept calling me without saying anything so I called him. I told him I wasn't going to pine, that I would move on."

"And did you?"

"I tried. He came back. He came back in winter, told me he loved me and drove off, and then just as I finished my first year he asked me to run away with him. He said he loved me and we should leave."

"What did you say?"

"I said no," Rory said. "It was too crazy, it was too much and he left. That was right before...I slept with Dean a few nights later."

"Do you think it was because of that?"

Rory stared at her. She felt as if someone had hit her in the chest.

"What?"

"Well," the doctor said, looking at her. "You'd had a lot of emotional turmoil that year. Your first boyfriend, who insisted you love him since you were sixteen, split up with you because of him. You had a new and exciting relationship with this boy who left, without a word, and then comes back asking you to take off with him. You said Dean was safe and reliable, that your first year was lonely and strange. Do you think sleeping with him was a way of trying to get that back?"

Rory tried to say something but her mouth seemed to have dried up.

"I don't know," she said eventually. "But when we tried again, it didn't work out. It wasn't the same."

"How so?"

"I was older. I had Yale and he was still working but – he said he wasn't part of my world anymore. I didn't feel like I used to with him. It felt like we were trying to love each other."

"It sounds like you wanted to go back to when you were sixteen - before his marriage and before you grew up."

"I guess."

The doctor scribbled something down but before Rory could ask what it was she asked,

"Who was your next relationship with?"

"My husband, though I wasn't married to him then. God, I'd faint if someone said I'd marry him," Rory said honestly. "It wasn't ever supposed to be serious."

"How did you meet your husband?"

"Logan. He was at Yale with me," Rory told her. "He was the son of Mitchum Huntzberger...this very wealthy, handsome guy – Logan, not his dad," she added hastily. "I worked on the paper with him."

"How did that relationship start?"

"It wasn't a relationship at first," Rory admitted. "I knew he was a casual guy and I decided I wanted something casual too. It was right after Dean broke up with me and I was...I'd always been part of something serious. I wanted something which wasn't."

"Something without heartbreak."

"I guess. I wanted something fun. So...we did, for a while, but it didn't work for me. I told Logan I was the kind of girl who needed a boyfriend and Logan said he'd be that guy for me. We were pretty happy and then..."

Rory's voice trailed off and the doctor nudged,

"Then what?"

"I interned for his father," she said. "At his paper. I was so confident, I thought I was doing so well and then his dad told me I didn't have it. He said I'd never make it as a journalist."

"That's pretty harsh."

"I felt terrible," Rory said honestly. "Worse than when I dropped a class. I went to see Logan, at his sister's party at the dock and..." she paused and looked up at the doctor. "The boat incident."

"What happened?"

"I stole a boat," Rory admitted, shame-faced. "I needed to do something reckless and dumb and I did that and I got arrested and then...then it just all fell apart. I felt like the worst kind of failure. I took time off Yale and my mother and I fought. We didn't talk for six months."

"That must have been hard, if she's your best friend."

"It was," Rory said quietly. "And I was too stubborn to admit it. I moved in with my grandparents and joined the DAR. I told myself I needed the time but I was scared."

"What did Logan say to all this?"

"He –" Rory stopped and frowned. "He told me I should go back but he never insisted on it. He thought it was funny. When I had to go to court he threw me a party with people dressed as prisoners. I think he liked the partying side to me, I don't know. When I said I should go back he told me it was temporary and when Jess showed we fought. Or broke up, according to him."

"Jess?" The doctor echoed. "Your old boyfriend?"

"Yes. He came to see me. Logan wasn't supposed to be there but he got home early and we went for drinks. He was awful to Jess and yelled at me, like I'd cheated, and when I said I was worried about all the things Jess said he said it was my choice. He left me at the bar."

"What did Jess say to you?"

Rory was feeling worse and worse. She wished she could call a halt, stop the trip down memory lane.

"He asked me what was wrong with me, why I was wasting my time, my mind. He asked me why I was with a jerk like Logan and what had happened to me. I couldn't even say anything back."

"Do you think he was right?"

"He was about wasting my time. I re-enrolled. I got back on track."

"You stayed with Logan," the doctor said. "What happened there? You said you split up for a while?"

"A little while. He cheated – he slept with some other women," Rory clarified. "He said it didn't count because he thought we'd split up. I thought it was just a fight. I was really hurt."

"You forgave him."

"He told me he loved me," Rory said. "He hurt himself, pulling some stunt, and I was so worried – I loved him so much and I knew that whatever had happened I loved him. I wanted to stay with him."

The doctor nodded and Rory decided not to tell her about Philadelphia. She didn't want to open that can of worms.

"So you got married."

"Right after I graduated."

"You got married very young."

"I guess," Rory said cautiously. "My friend Lane was younger."

"Why did you decide to get married?"

"I wasn't sure what I was going to do after graduation," Rory explained. "I never factored in marriage but Logan loved me, I loved him and I thought it could be the start of our life together. I wanted to stay with him forever."

"And you've been married for -?"

"Two years."

"Do you have a happy marriage?"

"I –" Rory stopped herself. "I love my husband."

"That's not the question, Rory. Are you happy?"

Rory wanted to tell her she was, that she was always happy she'd married Logan but the words wouldn't come.

"I was happy," she said thoughtfully. "I was so happy, the first year, the first six months. It was like an adventure. We went all round Asia and then we moved to California."

"You stopped being happy?"

"I stopped being as happy," Rory said carefully. "I don't know why."

"You were very far from home," the doctor said. "Very far from your mother. What did she think about your marriage?"

"How come?"

"Her opinion seems to matter a lot. She's your best friend. You told me one of your regrets was her disappointment, both with Dean and with dropping out."

Rory stared at her before saying,

"Mom told me to do what I felt was right. She said she wouldn't say a word because this had to be my decision. She never said so, but I think she thought I was too young. I thought so too, I nearly said no, but Logan said all these things about being in love and taking a risk...I decided to risk it with him."

"Was it worth the risk?"

"I don't –" Rory paused. "It's been difficult lately."

"How so?"

"The move, his work and the Jess situation."

"What Jess situation?"

Rory winced. She hadn't planned on telling the doctor about that.

"My...Jess came back. The same guy. He's working here for a while and I went to stay with him, whenever Logan and I fought. I didn't always look for him but he found me."

"When you fought? Do you fight a lot?"

"Only this year. He wants kids and I'm not ready and we had a big fight after a party. I heard him telling him friends personal stuff about him and I yelled and threw a glass."

The doctor wrote more down and Rory asked tentatively,

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"I don't like that word, Rory."

"Does it sound...normal?"

"I don't like that word much either, but Rory, it sounds like the action of someone who feels trapped. Someone with bottled up emotion."

Rory stared at her silently and the doctor asked,

"What happened after your fight?"

"Logan bought us membership at the club, though I didn't want to. He knew that but thought it would do us good, meet the right kind of people."

"Rich people."

"I guess. That's why I liked seeing Jess. He's not part of that."

Rory paused for breath and added,

"It felt so wonderful seeing him. I spend time with Logan but it's not the same. When we were away it didn't feel the same. With Logan, I always feel married but with Jess-" Rory stopped herself. "It didn't feel like I was pretending."

"Pretending what?"

"Pretending...to be a happy wife, I guess. Being rich."

The doctor wrote some more down and Rory continued,

"Logan found out about us being friends and told me to stop seeing him."

The doctor put down her pen and Rory said,

"I don't know what I should do. What do you think I should do?"

"Rory, I think you should ask yourself that."

Rory stared at her hands.

"I love Logan," she said eventually. "But I can't lose Jess. I can't."

The doctor nodded. They sat in silence for a while and then the doctor said,

"Rory, I'm sorry, but I have another appointment. Will you come back next week?"

"Of course," Rory said, getting up and shaking her hand. "Thanks."

She left the office with her mind whirling. She didn't know how that had gone – the doctor hadn't said a word about if she thought Rory was normal or crazy, just that she didn't like those words, and that her mother's opinion influenced a lot of her decisions. Rory supposed that was true and, she thought uneasily, some of her choices she made were to show they weren't. Lorelai disapproved of dropping out, Rory sometimes wondered if she disapproved of her marriage, yet somehow it felt like she'd done those things because of it. She had a mind of her own. And what were all those questions about relationships and, Rory thought with a jolt, how they all seemed to involve Jess?

Rory drove carefully back home, glad it was only a short distance away. She parked the car and as she walked up the steps into the apartment she heard a cellphone ringing. It wasn't hers, she had it in her pocket, and as she saw it on the table she realised it was Logan's – she remembered now how he'd woken late and gone to work in a rush, leaving it behind. She picked it up and saw Stu had called and Rory decided to call him back, to explain. She didn't want Logan to get in trouble at work. The phone rang three times and then a breathy female voice answered.

"Babe," she said. "I thought you'd never call back."