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Rory woke up in her own bed. She sat up, wondering for a moment where she was, before memory of the day before hit her and a dull deluge of pain sluiced through. Rory hugged the blanket tightly to her and caught sight of Lorelai fast asleep in a chair at the end of the bed, Paul Anka at her feet.
"Mom?"
Lorelai stirred and woke up, giving her daughter a smile.
"Hey."
"Were you in here all night?"
"Pretty much."
Lorelai stretched and sat up, wincing as she lifted her neck. Her sleeping position didn't look comfortable, she had buried her face into a pillow at the side of the chair and it was hardly spacious.
"You didn't have to do that, Mom," Rory said, touched. "I'm not sick."
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Rory opened her mouth to say she was but the words wouldn't come and she closed it, feeling the dull ache in her chest again.
"Honey?"
"I'm fine," Rory said, a little too quickly, and Lorelai looked at her sympathetically.
"How about I make us some coffee?"
Rory nodded gratefully and Lorelai got out of the chair, rubbing her neck, and went into the kitchen, Paul Anka following in her wake and wagging his tail. Rory watched them go and slowly got out of bed. Her clothes lay folded on the chair beside her, where her mother must have put them, her purse beside them. Rory couldn't remember getting to bed, all she recalled from the night before was crying and crying until she could no more, her mother's arms around her. Her sleep had been free from dreams. Rory opened her purse and got out her cellphone and her chest constricted painfully; Logan had called five times and left several messages begging her to come home. Rory sank back down on the bed, feeling dizzy, and switched it off. Jess hadn't contacted her, which made her relieved, but Rory wondered what he was thinking and if he wanted to talk to her at all. She couldn't fathom what she would say. She was still staring at the dead phone when her mother came in with a tray laden with breakfast food and a large pot of coffee. Her smile faded as she saw the phone in her daughter's hand.
"Oh, sweetie. I should have got that out of here."
"It's okay," Rory said quietly. Lorelai hesitated.
"Did he call?"
Rory nodded but didn't say anything. Lorelai indicated for her to get back into bed which Rory did, moving aside so there was room for them both, and got in beside her daughter, carefully laying the tray across their knees.
"Okay," Lorelai said brightly. "What may I serve Madame? We have the traditional Gilmore cuisine of poptarts, a classic choice, brightly coloured cereal and a new choice, toaster strudel, all along with coffee which will make any of these a delight, or palatable, at least."
"Toaster strudel?"
"Hey, don't knock the wonders of the food age. It's a new world out there my friend and it's taken the breakfast world by storm. We can't just eat the normal stuff and refuse to make progress – would we have beeforoni if no one decided to experiment?"
"While I admire your attitude, I think I'm going to have to take the poptart," Rory said, feeling a little queasy. "I don't think my stomach's up to anything new."
"A valid choice," Lorelai agreed, handing it to her in a napkin. "And your coffee, of course."
Rory held out her cup, feeling like when she was a little kid and home sick from school. No matter how awful she was feeling, dizzy with a sore throat or throwing up, Lorelai would always make it a little better, telling her she was recuperating at Hotel Gilmore and could watch the movie of her choice. It was almost worth being sick.
"You don't have to do this," Rory said, watching her mother pour a steady stream of coffee. "I'm not sick, Mom."
"Your heart is sick," Lorelai said seriously, pouring her own cup of coffee and putting the pot down. "And that's even worse than when your body is, most of the time, I know. It hurts and no one can see it. I've taken the day off work."
"What? Mom, no."
"Hey, you've checked into Hotel Gilmore and I'm providing the finest service," Lorelai said, making her daughter smile. "We have an endless supply of movies of your choice, including a vintage VCR, and a constant supply of coffee. What more could you want?"
Rory looked at her, wanting to make a quippy reply, but the joke fell flat before she even said it.
"Thanks, Mom," she said, leaning over and hugging her. "Thank you."
"Hey, watch the coffee," Lorelai joked, but she was serious as she hugged her daughter and kissed the top of her head. "You don't have to thank me, sweets. Do you want to talk about it?"
Rory looked at her and hesitated. Lorelai hastily added,
"You don't have to. We could always watch a movie instead."
"No," Rory said, suddenly tired. "I want to talk about it. It'll feel worse if I don't."
"Okay," Lorelai said gently. She looked at her daughter and waited for to begin.
"Logan cheated on me," Rory said, the dull ache resurfacing. "He left his cellphone behind and I came home and heard it ringing. This guy he works with, Stu, called so I called back and – and Stu wasn't Stu. Stu was some woman called Lisa."
Rory stopped for breath, staring at her hands. She knew if she looked at Lorelai she would cry.
"She asked who I was and I said I was Logan's wife, only she hung up before I got the sentence out. I opened his text messages and they were all from her, asking where I was, when he wanted to see her again and pictures of her in underwear. I know it was wrong to read his messages, but –"
"Honey, he cheated on you," Lorelai said, her voice beginning to get a dangerous tone. "I think looking at his messages is a pretty minor crime in comparison."
Rory nodded, fighting the lump at the back of her throat.
"And...and I took off my wedding ring," she said, clenching her hands together. "I just ripped it off, I – that doesn't matter. I sat at the table and I waited for Logan to come back. I don't know how long it was but I just sat there and waited and when he came in I confronted him."
"What did Logan say?"
"He didn't try and deny it. He said he loved me, that this thing with Lisa was just fun because I've been depressed lately –"
"He said what?"
Lorelai was looking murderous. Rory swallowed.
"Maybe he didn't mean it like that but –"
"How else could he mean it?"
"I don't know. He said it was like with the Jess thing, but –"
"The Jess thing?" Lorelai exclaimed. "He thinks you hanging out with an ex-boyfriend you did nothing with is the same as sleeping with someone else?"
"I don't know," Rory said tearfully. "I would never cheat on him, I almost thought I'd stop seeing Jess if it hurt him, and Logan didn't even know about the kiss."
"The kiss?" Lorelai echoed. "What kiss?"
She stared at her daughter and Rory winced. She forgot that she hadn't told Lorelai about that.
"I went to see Jess a few weeks ago," she said in a wobbly voice. "After the fight at the party."
"I remember."
"I told Jess how unhappy I was and we were sitting and he was holding my hands and then he kissed me. It was only for a second and I pulled away but –"
Lorelai shook her head venomously.
"I don't know who I'm going to kill first. There'll be a double homicide today."
"Mom, no! It didn't mean anything.. Jess was sorry, he knew he'd done the wrong thing."
"Oh, that's good of him."
"Mom, please," Rory begged. "Please let it go, for me. He's my friend, I've forgiven him."
Lorelai nodded uneasily and Rory choked,
"It wasn't cheating, was it?"
"Oh, honey."
"I didn't kiss him back. I didn't see him, I...I felt so guilty," Rory cried. "While all the time..."
"Oh Rory."
"I kissed him last night, but –"
"Rory, you what?"
"Before I came here I went to see Jess," Rory said uncomfortably. "I hadn't seen him in weeks ago and I wanted to talk to him. I hurt so much and I started to kiss him. Jess stopped me, he said it was for the wrong reasons. He was right, I didn't really want to do it."
"So now he knows it's wrong to kiss someone married."
"Am I even married now?" Rory asked, her voice crumpling. "Am I, Mom?"
She burst into tears and Lorelai put her arms around her.
"Oh, sweetie. It's okay."
"Don't tell anyone, Mom," Rory begged. "Not about me and Jess."
"Of course I won't."
Lorelai sounded troubled. She kissed the top of Roy's head.
"Logan said it didn't mean anything," Rory sobbed. "What he was doing. I got my case and I left. I didn't even think about what I was doing, I just had to get out of there."
"A wise decision."
"What am I going to do now?" Rory asked helplessly. "Where am I going to stay?"
"Here with me."
"I didn't even think," Rory said, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I still love Logan, Mom. He's hurt me but he's still my husband."
"I know you still love him. That doesn't mean you should go back to him."
"He said it didn't mean anything."
"You know, I don't really care what Logan thinks it meant," Lorelai said furiously. "He cheated on you, he slept with another woman and he's not even sorry."
"He cried."
"He cried because you found out. I swear, I'm going to drive to Hartford right now and –"
"Mom, don't!" Rory begged tearfully. "Please! I can't deal with this too, you being mad at Logan and Jess and this whole other thing...I can't even deal with this, I can't."
Lorelai's face softened as she took Rory in her arms.
"Hey," she said, stroking her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, sweets. I'll stay right here with you."
"You promise?"
"I promise. Though I am sad I won't get to try out my murder techniques. I've finetuned a list ever since you had a boyfriend."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, it involves internet cables now."
"Internet cables?"
"It's very advanced," Lorelai grinned. "But my favourite still has to be dull hedge-clippers to remove a head with. I think I'll remove Logan's hands first, before moving onto something else."
"What's that?"
"Let's just say it wouldn't be easy for him to sleep with Lisa again."
"Mom!" Rory exclaimed, bursting into laughter. "Stop!"
"Then I'd remove his head," Lorelai grinned. "Slowly."
"You're a sick, sick woman, you know that?"
"No, I'm a just a seriously pissed mother and you don't want to cross me."
"I'll drink to that," Rory said seriously, lifting her coffee cup. "Or I would, if it hadn't gone cold. Okay, I'm going to get dressed."
"What?" Lorelai exclaimed. "No, Rory, you have to wallow, have I taught you nothing?"
"I don't want to wallow," Rory said firmly, getting out bed. "Wallowing won't change what happened."
"But what about movie day?"
"We can still have movie day, just not in flannel pyjamas," Rory said, looking down at the cupcakes on them. "I need to shower."
"Did you miss the boat on the right way to wallow?"
"Hey, you know I don't like the water."
"Don't use all the hot," Lorelai warned as Rory found a towel. "I'm using it after you."
"Don't you want a movie day?"
"Yes, but I can't be in my pyjamas, that's just pathetic! Go on, go."
Rory hurried out of the room. She noticed Lorelai take her cellphone and put it in her pocket.
She showered quickly, came back down and opened her suitcase. She had thrown clothes in such a hurry that she hadn't even thought about what she'd put in and Rory found three shirts, various underwear, a pair of black pants and a green skirt. She didn't want to wear any of it, apart from the underwear, and in the end found some jeans in her closet which she teamed with the blue shirt she had worn to see Jess that time several weeks ago. She had managed to get that in the suitcase too, tangled with the green skirt, and Rory felt oddly proud. She heard her mother shower, exit the bathroom and just as Rory was putting the suitcase away there was a loud banging at the door.
"Who the hell is that?" Rory heard Lorelai shout. "Just a minute!"
Rory heard her run down the stairs and she slowly exited the bedroom, able to see the door whilst remaining out the sight. She knew who it was before Lorelai opened the door.
"Let me see Rory," Logan said. He looked haggard, his face creased.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Lorelai asked. "I know what you've done."
"Just let me talk to her."
"You are not going anywhere near my daughter," Lorelai told him, her voice shaking with anger. "And I don't think it's a smart idea for you to be within a mile's radius of me right now. I want to kill you."
"Lorelai –"
"God!" Lorelai shouted. "I'm such an idiot! I was wrong about you and I hate being wrong! I listened to you, years ago when you did this to her and I bought your stupid sob story about being in love with her!"
"I was in love with her! I am in love with her!"
"You don't do this to people you love! God, I encouraged my daughter to go back to you, I told her to give you a second chance and I said nothing when you asked her to marry you. It made me uneasy but do you know what I was dumb enough to think? I thought that even if you and Rory are young, you love each other. You love her, you want to take care of her and my daughter adores you so I gave my blessing for you to go and cheat on her! You're nothing! You're scum!"
"Lorelai –"
"Don't you dare use my name," Lorelai said in a low, dangerous voice. "It's Ms Gilmore to you now and no matter what my daughter thinks, her marriage to you is over and any relationship between us is done. You are not my son-in-law and I am not your mother-in-law. Never come back here, not for holidays or anything else. Rory might believe you're sorry, that you didn't mean the things you've done, but I can see right through you, your nauseating charm. You're still the spoiled rich boy who'll do anything he wants, no matter how much it hurts everyone else."
"Lor- Ms Gilmore – would you just let me talk to Rory."
"Not a chance in hell. I am never letting my daughter near you and if you ever hurt my kid again I will make good on my promise."
"What promise?"
"I think actions speak louder than words," Lorelai said fiercely. Logan didn't back down and called into the house,
"Rory!"
"Shut up, you bastard!"
Rory slowly walked into the hall. Logan's eyes widened.
"Rory –"
"Logan, leave," Rory said quietly. "Go, please. Just go."
He stared at Rory, turned and walked back down the steps, his head hanging. Mother and daughter stared until he had got into his car, backed it up and driven away. Rory exhaled and lay her head on Lorelai's shoulder.
"Thanks, Mom."
"You heard?"
"Yeah."
"I'm glad he listened to you," Lorelai remarked. "But I'm sorry I didn't get to make good on my promise."
"Me too," Rory admitted. She giggled but still felt a little sombre and Lorelai put an arm around her.
"Hey, you've checked into Hotel Gilmore and we've got a whole plethora of movies crying to be watched. You get first pick."
"Nothing with guys."
"A challenge, I like it. Let's go."
Several hours later Lorelai turned off the television and groaned.
"I think it's time for more food, don't you think? Al's Pancake World is calling."
"Hey, Mom, it's Friday."
"Yeah, so?"
"So you have Friday Night Dinner. It's six now."
"So?"
"So you'll be late if you don't change and go now."
"I'll skip it," Lorelai said confidently. "You're more important."
"Mom, you can't skip it. Grandma'll have a fit."
"Let her, I'm not leaving you."
"Mom, you have to go. She'll know something's wrong."
"I'll just tell her something's up at the inn."
"You know she won't buy that. Mom, if you don't go, she'll know something's happened."
Lorelai looked at her sympathetically.
"You don't want her to know."
"No," Rory said quietly. "I don't."
"Why?"
"She'll have all these questions and call me and she –" Rory caught herself. "She might think it's my fault."
"Honey, why would she think that? Mom's got her faults but she wouldn't blame you for this."
"She might think –" Rory swallowed a lump in her throat. "She told me off for not compromising. She might think it's because of that."
"I'll tell her to compromise her –"
"Mom!"
"I really don't think she'd blame you, sweets."
"I still don't want her to know," Rory insisted. "Please."
"That I understand," Lorelai sighed. "Are you sure?"
"Please go. Get changed right now or you'll be late, and not in your porn star T-shirt."
"Deal," Lorelai grinned. "You know where the takeout menus are, right?"
"Go!"
Lorelai ran upstairs and down at neck-breaking speed, transformed in a dress covered in butterflies. She slid on high heels, grabbed her purse and kissed her daughter before running out the door and speeding off in the car, reminding Rory of many evenings past. She waved from the window.
Once her mother had gone Rory was at a loss. She got up off the couch, slowly folding the blanket and putting the videos back in the box. It felt weird to back, properly, and start calling the place home, yet if Rory was honest with herself, the apartment in Hartford had never felt that. She had moved out years ago but Stars Hollow was still owner of that name.
Rory cleared out all the junk she and Lorelai had been eating and carried it into the kitchen, washing the plates. She cleaned the surfaces too, as she was in there, and swept the floor. Cleaning felt good, it took her mind off things, and she carried the broom into her bedroom where she started to sweep. She swept every corner, took out the trash and finally sank onto the bed, exhausted. The cease of action brought back the swing of thoughts and Rory swallowed back tears. Was this how Lindsay had felt? Was this some kind of punishment for what she and Dean had done? Had she not felt ashamed enough, in the wrong for moving on? Rory felt a kind of guilt she hadn't had in years and she lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. It was in this bedroom, in this position that she had lost her virginity many years before, the night a confused rush of memory. She hadn't meant to do it. She was only getting CDs, never expecting Dean to show at her door.
She'd meant to turn him away, or that was what she told herself. He'd said his marriage was over and she'd believed him so didn't stop him when they began to kiss. It was all happening so fast but Rory hadn't cared, as he pressed her on the bed and asked if she had a condom, which she handed him from her drawer. Dean still loved her, he was never going to leave, not ever, and Rory had clung to him as they began to have sex. It hurt and Rory closed her eyes. It was not the first time she had imagined but he wanted her back and, Rory decided, that was what mattered. She would try and love him like she had. Perhaps the doctor had been right.
It felt odd, thinking back to that girl. She was almost like a stranger and it seemed impossible that just a few months later she had met Logan, so different from Dean. He was smart and funny and cute, if a little arrogant, and he intrigued her. Dean broke up with her but it wasn't as terrible as she'd imagined and Logan was there. Rory remembered being glad she wasn't a virgin when they met, started sleeping together. She knew Logan would have made some kind of joke, not necessarily cruel but a joke nonetheless and Rory wouldn't want to be inexperienced, have a first time with him. He wasn't the kind of guy you fell in with and it took her by surprise when she did. She loved Logan, loved him so much it hurt and when he hurt her, slept with other women, she stayed. He loved her, she'd got him to love her and it seemed impossible not to hold on.
Now this. He'd slept with another woman, maybe more, yet he still claimed he loved her and Rory didn't know what to think. She wanted to hate Logan but she couldn't and looking at her bare hand made her cry. She felt scared. She and Logan had been together for five years, a crazy ride, and now they were married. Could she judge him when she'd been part of adultery? Was it a price she should pay? He still loved her, after all. Rory squeezed her eyes shut and Jess's face flooded her mind, his words loud in her brain, you deserve better than this, you are.
Rory opened her eyes and sat up. It had got dark outside and she hadn't eaten yet. She had been snacking all afternoon yet her stomach still grumbled. She knew where the drawer of takeout menus were but she hadn't been outside all day and wanted some air. Rory ran a brush through her hair, put on her jacket, found her wallet and walked out, the air moist on her face. It must have been raining and her foot splashed in a puddle. Rory walked past houses covered in dusk, jolting as she passed Kim's Antiques, remembering Lane didn't know. She wondered if her friend would tell her to leave or stay, saying marriage was for life. Rory didn't think Lane would take Emily's line but sometimes she suspected she was unhappy with Zach. Rory carried on, deciding not to think about Lane's problems which she couldn't solve, and her heart filled with relief at the sight of Luke's. It was always there, surrounded by lights, as it had Rory's whole life and Rory walked through, enjoying the familiar sound of the bell. It was empty and Luke had his back to the counter.
"Take a seat anywhere."
"Counter okay?"
Luke turned around the sound of Rory's voice. His eyes widened but he made no other sound of surprise as he said softly,
"Sure. Sit anywhere you like, Rory."
Rory slipped onto a stool. It felt odd being back alone, in a good way. She only went back with Lorelai and could count on her hand the number of times she had been since she and Logan moved back. She missed Luke and, as he looked at her, she suddenly remembered being four years old and sick with chickenpox. She wouldn't eat anything but mashed potato, cried all day, and as Lorelai's cheerfulness began to break, showing the real worry for her daughter, Luke was there. He held her hands tight so she wouldn't scratch herself, made more potato and told her stories so interesting she forgot about the itch. She slept through the night, feeling comfortable for the first time in a week, and Luke was back the next day. He was there every day until she was better.
"Hey," Rory said quietly.
"Hey," Luke said gently. Rory looked at him and his face told her he knew. She thought of Jess, though she knew he would never tell ,and then knew. Lorelai had picked up their lunch from Luke's earlier.
"Mom told you."
"He's a jerk, Rory," Luke said, sounding almost exactly like his nephew. "That sonofabitch never deserved you."
"I love him," Rory said with a sob. "I still love him, Luke."
Luke's face softened.
"Yeah, I know."
"I married him," Rory said miserably. "I married him, he's cheated on me and I still love him. I'm an idiot."
"You're in good company, Rory," Luke said and Rory looked up, confused. "Nicole," he clarified.
"Oh Luke, I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for. I'm more of an idiot than you. I married the woman without loving her and then tried to date her. I didn't love her but it still – it's never good being cheated on."
Rory silently shook her head.
"Just don't beat up a car like I did."
"What?"
"Never mind," Luke coughed. He looked at her and said,
"How about a burger? I'm guessing you haven't had dinner. Where's your mom?"
"Grandparents'."
"Of course, it's Friday," Luke said, slapping his head. "How could I forget?"
He emerged a short while later with two burgers and fries, handing one of the plates to Rory. He watched her eat and said,
"Rory, I want you to know that if I ever see that...husband of yours he won't get within three feet of you."
"Luke."
"No, I mean it," Luke said angrily. "He doesn't deserve the dirt I'll make him eat."
Rory smiled but tears fell from her eyes before she could stop them. They fell onto the burger, dripping on the fries and Luke hurried around the counter, putting his arms around her.
"I'm sorry."
"No," Rory sobbed. "It's not you Luke, it's not – I'm glad you're here. Don't go."
"I'm not going anywhere," Luke said assuringly, not mentioning anything about the diner being his establishment. "Don't cry, Rory. It's alright. Hey, it's alright."
Rory didn't agree but she didn't say anything and sobbed onto Luke's shirt shoulder, ruining the flannel. He didn't remark on it and held her gently, letting her cry it out, and Rory felt as though she was ten years old again and crying because her caterpillar had died. She had invited Luke to the funeral and he had worn a suit.
Eventually the flow of tears stopped and Rory looked up, wiping her eyes.
"I'm sorry, I wrecked your shirt."
"Oh, it's okay, I've got a ton of them."
"I let my burger get cold."
"I've got a ton of those too, want me to make you another?"
Before Rory could say she didn't mind he whisked her plate away and went into the back, fixing up a new batch. He handed it to her and they ate in silence, Rory wiping her eyes with the napkin.
"You know, Jess will be back soon," Luke said as they finished. "He'll come around seven to help with the evening shift if you want to hang out."
Part of Rory did but she felt awkward about the night before. She didn't know what to say or what to do and the thought of crying again as he walked in was too much to bear. She shook her head.
"I'm going to head back, watch some TV."
"Okay," Luke said, sparing the lecture he usually made on screentime. "Call me if you need anything, I'll be right there. You want to take something home?"
"No, I –"
Luke was already handing her a bag of fries. Rory smiled and took them.
"Thanks."
"You're going to be okay, Rory," Luke said gently. "I know you are."
Rory hesitated and hugged him tightly.
"Thanks."
She left the diner before his nephew could arrive. As she reached the corner she heard the slam of a car door, saw a dark form emerge but rounded it before he could see her, ask her to talk. Rory walked slowly home, the food hot in her hand, feeling the dying warmth of the night.