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On Monday Rory received a large bouquet of flowers. Lorelai was at work and she was alone as she answered the door, nervously checking that it wasn't Logan first.

"Is there a Ms Gilmore here?" the man with the flowers asked.

"There's two of us."

"Ah – a Ms Rory Gilmore?"

"That's me."

"These are for you," the man said, holding out the bouquet. "If you just sign..."

Rory took the flowers, awkwardly balancing them as she scribbled her name on a sheet. He nodded, satisfied, and took an envelope out of his clipboard.

"I forgot – this came with it."

Rory knew who it was from, even without seeing her name written in a fancy script.

"I don't want it."

"What?"

"The letter, I don't want it – in fact, you can take the flowers, too."

"But you signed for them."

"I won't tell anyone, just dump them, please."

"You signed for them," the man said, as though Rory was stupid. "You can dump them."

"But –"

He threw the envelope at her and hurried down the path, making his escape, calling,

"Have a nice day!"

"Yeah, you too," Rory muttered. She put the flowers on the table and went back for the letter, hating the sudden tightness in her chest. She wished she could throw both away without looking at them but found herself putting the flowers in a vase, sitting down at the table and opening the letter.

Dear Rory,

I miss you so much. I'm so sorry for what I did, you know it meant nothing. No woman means anything to me beside you. I slept with Lisa but I don't love her, I never had feelings for her. You're the only person I love. I married you, I chose you, do you want to lose that? I don't want to lose that. I know I made a mistake but I promise to never do it again. I love you, Ace, you're my wife. I can't imagine life without you there. Just because I screwed up doesn't mean I don't love you. I still want to be married to you, have children with you. Don't let one mistake ruin a whole marriage. You got me, a card-carrying member of the Life and Death Brigade who thought girlfriends were hassle, to propose to you. We must be doing something right. I promise not to call but please, think about it.

I love you.

Logan

Rory put the paper down, breathing heavily. She fought the burning behind her eyes, the ache of missing Logan. She got up from the table, picked up the letter and took it to the trash. She planned on ripping it up but the courage wouldn't come and in the end she folded it and stuck it in her pocket. Glancing down showed her bare hand, giving Rory the familiar jolt she had felt the last few days. It felt strange not to be wearing her wedding ring. Rory wished she could put it back on, just for a few moments, yet it lay on the table back in her apartment in Hartford. Besides, Rory knew, wearing it wouldn't change anything. She put her hands in her pockets, sat on the couch and watched television until Lorelai got home.

Lorelai got back a few hours later. She threw her keys on the table and kicked off her shoes, calling,

"Hey!"

"Hey."

Rory looked up from the couch and Lorelai sat by her.

"What are you watching?"

"Wheel of Fortune. I'm pathetic and I don't care."

"I care," Lorelai said seriously, taking the remote. "There, a rerun of I Love Lucy. That's better."

"I'm still watching daytime TV."

"Yes, but it's good daytime TV," Lorelai argued, pinching Rory's chin. "Sit tight, I'll make some coffee."

Rory watched her go into the kitchen and stop at the flowers on the table.

"What are these?" she asked, coming out with the vase in her hand.

"They arrived this morning."

"Who from?"

Rory didn't answer and Lorelai's smile faded.

"I'm putting them in the trash," she said, pulling them out of the vase. "Did he leave his name?"

"There wasn't a card," Rory said truthfully. Lorelai sighed.

"We need some kind of screening process when we open the door," she said, opening the trash can and dropping the flowers inside. "And we're throwing out any more flowers which arrive."

"Good plan."

"Maybe we can cut them up a little first, hope Logan'll get that message," Lorelai said, making the coffee. "What? I'm serious."

"No, I know," Rory said, smiling. She was remembering the first time Logan had cheated on her and the dozens of bouquets he had sent then. That was when he had considered them to have been split up and that he hadn't done anything wrong. Rory couldn't imagine the amount of flowers he would send for this. The letter burned in her pocket.

Lorelai finished making the coffee and carried the mugs over.

"Scoot over, missy. It's been a long time since Lucy and I have caught up."

"You'll have the whole couch to yourself in a minute," Rory said. "I have to go to Hartford – I've got my doctor's appointment this afternoon."

"Oh, honey," Lorelai said in concern. "Don't you want to rearrange that?"

"Why would I want to?"

"Well – Rory, you've had a really tough few days and driving back into Hartford...it might be easier just to hang out here."

"I'm not crazy about going into Hartford," Rory said honestly. "But it feels good to be doing something."

"Rory –"

"Mom, I haven't left the house since Friday."

"Not true, you got the mail."

"Okay, I haven't left the fence since Friday," Rory said. Lorelai rolled her eyes. "Mom! I need to go out."

"Okay, okay! I just think it may be a little soon."

"It's important that I go," Rory said firmly. "And I want to go."

"Fine. You always were Miss Active."

"I can't watch Lucy all day long."

"Don't listen, she doesn't mean it," Lorelai told the woman on the screen as Rory drank all of her coffee with her head titled back. "Whoa! Careful, or you'll choke on that and then you really will have to see a doctor."

"Bye!" Rory said, kissing her mother's cheek. "Have fun."

"Oh, I will. Drive safe!"

Rory had to admit that it was harder than she expected driving back into Hartford. She had never felt very attached to the place, despite living there with Logan and her grandparents before that. It still felt like the place she attended Chilton, nothing more, yet her chest felt painfully tight as she drove into the town, steering the car around the familiar streets. She almost made the turning toward her apartment but stopped, keeping to the main road. She let out a jagged breath as she drove past.

The wait to see the doctor was not long. Rory saw herself in and sat down in the usual place. Doctor Moran was writing some notes but she stopped as her patient came in, putting the pen down and smiling.

"Rory. How are you?"

"I think my marriage broke up," Rory said, too miserable to care about how casual she sounded. "How was your week?"

The doctor looked slightly startled but to Rory's surprise she didn't stare or widen or her eyes. Instead, she looked at her gently and said,

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Thanks," Rory said unhappily, balling her hands in her lap. "It's not the best news."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I found out my husband was cheating on me," Rory said in a dull voice. "So I packed a bag and left."

Somehow, saying the words didn't hurt as much as Rory had anticipated. The rush of tears were dormant and she didn't mind when the doctor asked,

"How did you find out?"

"He told me he had a guy in his office called Stu who he did a lot of work with," Rory told her. "And I called his number only it was a woman called Lisa and then I found all these texts from her in his phone. I confronted my husband and he admitted it so I left."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Oh, great!" Rory laughed bitterly. "Super! I feel so happy that my marriage has been wrecked!"

Rory clenched her hands into fists so the nails dug into her palms. It hurt but she didn't relax them and she stared at her doctor, angry for the first time.

"You feel betrayed."

Rory didn't say anything but the doctor looked at her expectantly so she said angrily,

"Yes, I feel betrayed. Have you ever had someone throw a bowling ball at your chest? Because I can't speak from experience but I'm betting it feels something like this."

"Why are you angry with your husband?"

"I –" Rory stopped at stared at her. "Is that some kind of medical thing where you trick me into being more mad than I am?"

"No trick," the doctor said mildly. "No kind of reverse psychology. Your choice of words interested me, Rory."

"What choice of words?"

"You told me all about what your husband had done and that you'd left. You started the conversation by saying you thought your marriage had split up. When I asked how you felt you told me you were hurt that your marriage was over."

Rory stared at her, completely bemused, and the doctor continued,

"You didn't tell me your husband had cheated on you. You didn't tell me about how he had hurt you. You told me that you were hurt that he had done this to your marriage, not to you."

"Isn't it the same?"

"No, it isn't. Of course, it's understandable to be hurt about both – the pain he's caused you and the breaking of your marriage vows – but you haven't talked about how he's hurt you. You've only indicated that you're hurt about your marriage, not about your hurt as a person."

Rory sat back in her chair, feeling as though the blow with the bowling ball had been moved to her head.

"Rory? Are you hurt as a person?"

"Yes," Rory said quietly. "But it's just..."

The doctor looked at her patiently and Rory said slowly,

"I do feel hurt – this whole weekend it was like I was drowning in pain – but what really hurts is that Logan said he wanted to commit. He wanted to commit, to me, he wanted to marry me and then we did. We got married and it was supposed to last."

"To anyone or just to him?"

"To anyone but..." Rory slowed, confused. "It was almost as if it was more important with Logan because of how it used to be, how he used to be."

"How did Logan used to be?"

"He never had relationships. He had sex with lots of different women and he had fun. He wasn't serious. He hated responsibility, hard work and he was determined to never settle down."

"And then he met you."

"He met me and he said he didn't want to lose me," Rory said, starting to feel upset again. "He wanted to be my boyfriend and...and he screwed up once –"

"When he cheated on you?"

"Yes, though he said it wasn't. We made up, he said he loved me and I loved him so much and it worked out. He got it together, he worked in London and he came back to be with me. He grew up."

"Do you think it was for you?"

"I don't know," Rory sniffled. "Maybe not just for me but he said he didn't want to lose me. He wanted to marry me. I thought he'd stopped...he said he loved me."

"Rory, I remember you telling me you fought after you made up," the doctor said curiously. "You said something about him injuring himself?"

"Right," Rory said desperately. "He fell from a cliff, being part of some dumb stunt and I don't know, sometimes I think...never mind."

"I'd like to hear what you think."

Rory took a deep breath.

"I think, if I hadn't been mad and pushed him away all week he wouldn't have gone. If I'd forgiven him like I'd said and talked to him he wouldn't have done it."

"You blame yourself."

"I was so angry with him when he left," Rory said, her voice catching. "I'd almost hoped he would hurt himself, not badly but – I wanted to hurt him. So I did hurt him."

"You think your thoughts caused him to hurt himself?"

"No," Rory said impatiently. "Well, sometimes, but not like that. I didn't hurt him like that."

"I'm not following, Rory."

Rory fell silent. She wished she had never started this line of conversation. She had never told anyone about Philadelphia, not even her mother, yet as the doctor asked,

"Rory?" she didn't stop the words tumbling out.

"I went to Philadelphia that weekend."

"Philadelphia?"

"My ex-boyfriend – Jess – he'd started working for a small publishing house there and it was their grand opening. He invited me to their open house."

"Did you tell Logan you were going?"

"No. I went alone and when I saw Jess I didn't say anything about Logan. I didn't tell him we'd split up but I let him think we had. I knew he thought that."

"What happened there?"

Rory dug her nails in harder.

"I hung out with him and Luke, his uncle, because he came. I stayed after everyone had left and Jess and I started talking. We sat alone in the corner and he asked if everything had been fixed – the Yale stuff – and I said it had and then...then we kissed."

"Who initiated?"

"I don't know," Rory said honestly. "But I knew...I mean, I didn't really think about it but I wasn't surprised when he started to kiss me. We did it together and I didn't stop him, not at first."

"Not at first?"

"I stopped after a moment," Rory said, the memory as clear as though it had been yesterday. "I felt so guilty – I loved Logan and I couldn't do it to him. I couldn't hurt him like he'd hurt me."

"If Logan hadn't been your boyfriend, would you still have kissed him?"

"How do you mean?"

"Were you enjoying the kiss," the doctor explained. "Before you thought about what you were doing?"

Rory looked at her. She hadn't noticed that her hands had unwound.

"Yes," she said honestly. "In the moment it was...I didn't want to stop."

"Were you ashamed because of that? Did you go there planning to kiss him?"

"I..." Rory stopped, confused. "I enjoyed it," she said carefully. "Before I thought about what was happening, I wanted to keep kissing him, and I wanted to kiss him even though I loved Logan. I had to stop."

"And –"

"I didn't go there meaning to do it," Rory said, beating her to it. "I didn't have a plan, I just wanted to see him and tell him I was proud but maybe...none of it felt surprising, when it happened."

The doctor nodded and Rory shook her head.

"I've never told anyone about this."

"Not even your mother?"

"She never understood about Jess."

The doctor didn't ask further but instead enquired,

"And Logan?"

"How could I ever tell him?" Rory asked helplessly. "When he was hurt like that? When he'd felt so guilty for cheating on me?"

"What do you think would have happened, if you had? Would you have stayed together?"

"I don't know. No. I don't think he'd have thought we were worth...he'd have gone back to how he was," Rory said, lifting her head up. "And if I hadn't stayed I know he would have started messing around again. I know it."

The doctor nodded and tears suddenly filled her eyes.

"I did the same thing again."

"What thing?"

"I went to see Jess, when I found out. I tried to kiss him."

"Why did you do that?"

"I was hurting and –" Rory shook her head. "It meant nothing. It was for the wrong reasons."

The doctor looked at her in a way which made Rory uncomfortable.

"You went to hurt him with Jess both times."

"He was there."

"Would you have done so with Dean, your other old boyfriend? Or one of his friends?"

"No," Rory said without thinking. "I...no."

"Why not?"

Rory shrugged and the doctor said,

"You seem to have an interesting history with this man. Most of our boyfriends or girlfriends fade from our lives, romantically at least, but Jess is still in yours."

"I didn't ask him to be," Rory said defensively.

"Are you sorry that he is?"

"No," Rory said honestly. She looked at the doctor, unable to bear it any longer and burst out,

"I would never cheat on my husband."

"Rory, I didn't –"

"I wouldn't," Rory sobbed. "I stay with people. I chose him, I married him, he married me. He said he would be that man for me. Why has he done this?"

"Rory, you aren't responsible for anyone's thoughts and actions," the doctor said in a low, gentle voice. "It was never your responsibility to keep Logan from cheating."

"But –"

"Rory, no matter how much we love someone, their conduct in a relationship is ultimately their own. It's not your fault that he chose to cheat on you."

Rory stared at her and said helplessly,

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm staying with my mom and he's sending me flowers and he's written a letter..."

"What does it say?"

"That he loves me. That he wants to try again."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know," Rory said, clenching her nails into her hand again. "I love him but...maybe he's right. We're married."

"And it's important to you to save your marriage. Your commitment to him."

"Of course it is," Rory said. The nails were starting to hurt but she didn't take them away.

"Rory, I would suggest that you write a letter to Logan," the doctor said. "Don't mail it, don't go to see him, but write it. Tell him how you feel in it. It may help clear your mind."

Rory was silent and the doctor added,

"It may sound foolish but it works. We'll talk some more next week."

Rory nodded and got up to go. She shook the doctor's hand, left and suddenly wondered something why the doctor had asked that it be important to her to save her marriage, and to Logan, as though they were two separate things. Why did it make a difference? She got into her car and drove away, glad to be going in the opposite direction of the apartment.

When she got home Lorelai had gone out. Rory went into her bedroom, took out Logan's letter and read it through, but the words didn't compute and she dropped it on the desk. Her mind was stuck on Jess and the illicit trip to Philadelphia. Rory shook herself, took a pen and paper and tried to write but her mind blocked any words to her husband. She tried three times and eventually got up, grabbed her jacket and went out. She was halfway to Luke's when she bumped into Jess on the street.

"Hey," she said awkwardly, her cheeks going red.

"Hey."

There was a pregnant pause. Rory hesitated and asked,

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Finished early."

"Oh." Rory blushed, knowing she had sounded rude, but Jess asked,

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Want to go to my place?"

"Sure."

Jess nodded and led the way. It didn't take long to reach his apartment and they stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.

"You okay?"

"Fine," Rory said shyly. "You?"

"Can I get you a drink? I'm suddenly very aware of standing here like a moron."

"Let me get one with you because you're not doing so alone."

Jess laughed and Rory smiled, following him to the fridge. He gave her a bottle of water, took one for himself and followed her to the chairs in the corner. Rory hesitated before sitting down.

"Jess, I'm sorry about the other night," she said uncomfortably.

"Nothing to be sorry for."

"I am sorry, kissing you like that –"

"Me too. I'm sorry. Before, I mean."

"I know." Rory stopped and drank some water. "Sorry. I'm a little nervous."

"Me too."

Jess saying he felt the same made Rory feel a little better. She put down the bottle and said,

"I just went to the shrink."

"Is that what you're calling her now?"

"It's what she is."

"How was it?"

"I always say this stuff I never mean to say," Rory said heavily. "I told her about Philadelphia."

Jess looked surprised but didn't say anything and Rory added,

"I've never told anyone about that, not even Mom."

"I never told anyone either."

"Jess, I'm sorry," Rory said fiercely. "I messed up."

"It's alright," Jess said but Rory shook her head.

"It was wrong. It was all wrong."

"It didn't feel wrong," Jess said, looking into her eyes. "Even when – it didn't feel wrong to me."

Rory stayed silent. She wanted to tell Jess that it'd felt good to her too, to be kissing him, and that if it hadn't been for Logan she wouldn't have stopped but she kept the words held in. She gripped the water bottle tightly.

"I'm sorry," she said again. Jess nodded and sat down on the one the chairs. Rory followed suit.

"What did the doctor say?"

"Nothing about that. Just that I shouldn't make it my decision to try and change someone."

"Good advice."

"I thought Logan did change," Rory said, her throat suddenly tight. "He said – he did – I must be stupid."

"You're not stupid," Jess said gently. He looked at her and moved his chair around to hers, taking her hands. "Rory, you're not."

"Everyone else seemed to get the memo," Rory said tearfully. "Everyone else seems to know this and I – he's slept with someone else and I still love him."

Jess's hand stiffened slightly but he didn't take it away.

"He's written me a letter," Rory said miserably. "Asking me to come home."

"You're not going to?"

Rory didn't say anything and Jess stared at her, refusing to look away.

"He said he still loves me," Rory said eventually. "And we're married."

"He doesn't get to make that argument seeing how little that meant to him," Jess said angrily. "Rory, you can't do this. Stop cleaning up his mess. He doesn't deserve you."

"I love him."

"He still doesn't deserve you."

Rory locked eyes with Jess. His grip tightened slightly as he said,

"You deserve more than him. You deserve someone who –"

Jess caught himself and didn't finish the sentence.

"Jess –"

"Rory, don't go back to him," Jess said seriously. "Don't."

Rory stared at him. His eyes were fixed on hers, their knees brushing and an old feeling was starting to surge. She stared and stared and before either could move there was a sudden sound behind them, making them jump. Jess quickly got up and went over to the door, bending over.

"Leaflet for pizza," he explained, sounding embarrassed. "I thought there was a sign for no junk mail."

"At least it's for pizza."

"I guess."

He smiled but Rory got up, feeling flustered.

"Jess, I have to go."

"Did I do something?" he asked, concerned, and Rory quickly shook her head.

"No, it's just – Mom'll be home soon and I have this thing I have to do...sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Jess said, sounding as forcedly polite as she. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Rory nodded, smiled and looked at him. It was strangely silent until she asked,

"Jess, are we still friends?"

"What?"

"I don't want it to be weird between us from now on," Rory said, shifting her purse strap. "We can still hang out, right?"

"You know it," Jess said. He hesitated, touched his hand against hers and opened the door. Rory walked home in a daze and it was only when her mother came home that she found she hadn't wanted to cry over Logan once, nor thought about his letter.