Remy's Diabolical Plan
Chapter Six: Of Diabolical Strawberries and Other Things
~X~
"Listen, Cajun, if you ever tell anyone about this, you're dead." Rogue warned.
"I ain't gonna tell nobody, chére, Remy like this song too—oh wait, here's the best part."
And with a near identical pair of goofy grins on their faces, they broke into song at the same time.
Baby Got Back was on the radio. The people in the next car stared over at them but Remy, who was thumping the steering wheel to the beat, ignored them. Rogue was torn between laughing at the spectacle they made at this particular red light, hiding under the seat in embarrassment, and just ignoring them like Remy and enjoying herself.
"My homeboys tried to warn me but that butt you got make me so—Oh, wait the light's green!" Remy said suddenly when someone honked a horn at him. "Sorry," he said sheepishly as he waved at them in the rearview mirror.
"Remy," Rogue leaned forward and turned down the radio. "Do you know where you're goin? I don't remember seeing any grocery stores on the way here."
"I saw a few," he reassured her as he turned. "Don't worry, if we can't find any I'll just stop and ask."
"Right…" Rogue watched the people on the sidewalk as they drove by. "Have you noticed that everyone here-"
"Have no clothes other than bathin' suits? Yes, I have."
"That's not what I was going to say, but now that you mention it…" she said as she noticed that he was right. Most of the people walking by were wearing bathing suits. And honestly, Rogue could have gone without seeing quite a few of them. That guy was so hairy he looked like there was a carpet on his chest. That guy had some very unsightly tan lines and that there seemed to be some kind of fungus growing out of woman's bellybutton. Rogue diverted her gaze back to the dashboard. No more looking out the window today.
"Hey look!" Remy said cheerfully, "there's a butt crack!"
"What?" For some reason, Rogue looked to see that YES, there indeed was a butt crack (a very hairy butt crack at that). There was a construction crew working on a building along the sidewalk and a man that looked to be at least four hundred pounds had failed to pull up his pants as he bent down to pick something up.
"REMY!"
"What?" he asked innocently. "I just thought you wanted to see your future husband at work. Sheesh…"
She couldn't help but laugh. "Shut-up!"
"Did you want to get out and go see him?" He asked and actually slowed the car down.
"Stop it!"
"Stop the car?"
"No, stop being a doofus!"
"Fine, don't go to him." he said seriously. "But if that turns out to be your soul mate, don't get mad at Remy cause you missed out."
"I promise I won't." Rogue rolled her eyes.
Remy shrugged and then continued to drive.
"And if that's my boyfriend," Rogue looked around them and randomly pointed. "Then that's your girlfriend!"
"Rogue, that's a statue." Remy took his eyes off the road to do a double take. "It's a statue of a horse!"
Rogue gasped. "Ew! That's bestiality!"
Remy made a face. "That's not bestiality if it's a statue. That's just…weird."
"Oh, so you don't deny having a statue for a girlfriend? You are sick Remy, SICK!"
"Rogue," Remy said calmly.
"Yes?"
"There's a beetle in your hair."
"WHAT!" Rogue shrieked and frantically started rake her hands through her hair.
"Rogue."
"WHAT!"
"I was kidding."
And that was how Remy ended up with a big, red, hand-shaped mark on his upper arm. They found the grocery store soon afterward and after parking the car, Remy, rubbing his arm, and Rogue, trying to fix her hair, walked inside. The air-conditioner hit them as soon as they entered and they both sighed in pleasure. Maybe they were imagining it but the summer heat seemed to be worse right here on the beach.
"I'm sorry about the beetle thing," Remy said after Rogue grabbed a cart. "Can we be friends again?"
She shot him a glare but then sighed. "Of course," she grumbled.
"Good…cause I need your help with somethin."
A diabolical something. Remy tried not to grin. Now was the time to set his plan in motion. They walked over to the produce section and as she started throwing fruit into the cart, Rogue shrugged and spoke to him over her shoulder.
"Sure, what is it? Oh look, watermelons are only three bucks!" She looked excited as she started loading watermelons into the cart.
"It's kinda serious." He picked up a watermelon. "And kinda scary."
"Ok," she yawned but then perked up when they pulled up in front of the strawberries. "Go on, I'm listenin," she said though Remy wasn't sure she really was. Right now all her attention seemed to be on the strawberries. Oh well. It was as good a time as any.
"I'm in love."
Strawberries flew everywhere.
"WHAT!" Rogue shrieked.
"Um-"
"These strawberries are SIX FREAKIN DOLLARS for one carton! Hell no! HELL. NO!" Then Rogue shook her head and turned to look at him. "Sorry, did you say somethin?"
"Yes. I'm in love."
"With a MONKEY?" Rogue shrieked.
Remy stood there, not really sure what to say to that. Obviously NO, he was not in love with a monkey, but for Rogue to suggest so was very strange and it made no sense.
"What?" He asked in confusion.
Rogue pointed at something behind him. "The fair is comin to town and if we go we can get pictures taken with a monkey!"
Remy turned to see a big cardboard ad of a monkey and a few clowns, proudly boasting that you could indeed get your picture taken with a monkey. He didn't understand why anyone would want their picture with a monkey and also couldn't figure why this attracted Rogue's attention.
It was probably best if he just forgot about it.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Rogue said apologetically as he turned back to her. "I interrupted you again. Go on." She started pushing the cart again and turned around a corner. Remy followed after her, shaking his head.
"Ok, so what I'm trying to say is that I…I'm in lo-"
"OO FREE SAMPLES!" Rogue completely ditched the cart in favor of running off to get a free sample of ice cream.
Why had he hesitated? If he hadn't he could have gotten it out before she ran off to the free samples. And…wait a second…were those free samples of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? That was (in Remy's opinion) only the best flavor of ice cream ever to grace the planet. All those chocolate chips and creamy vanilla and the little balls of dough…
"I got you one too," Rogue said as she skipped back over to where he stood and held a cup and a little plastic spoon out to him. "I know it's your favorite."
Remy knew he loved her for a reason. And that reason certainly wasn't her listening skills.
"I keep cuttin you off," Rogue shook her head and as she continued to push the cart and open her little cup of ice cream at the same time. "Sorry about that. What did you say?"
"I'm in love." He blurted before she could see anymore ice cream stands or monkeys or strawberry prices.
Rogue came to a dead stop and a woman with three kids on her heels, thinking she was stopping for her, thanked her and moved out of her isle. But Rogue didn't even notice her. She turned slowly and stared up at Remy with an open mouth.
"What?" She asked in shock. "With who?"
"Uh…No one you know. I met her before we left. She lives in Bayville."
"What's her name?"
"Jessica."
"Jessica?"
"Yes, but she likes to be called Jess." Remy spoke carefully, going over the story he had already made up of this 'Jessica'. He had thought about it so much, that if Rogue really wanted to know, he could tell her where Jessica worked, and what she looked like and where he met her and all about her personality.
"Where did you meet her?" Rogue demanded.
He raised his eyebrows at her tone. Odd that she sounded a little jealous. Was he imagining it? "I met her in the mall that one day when I went with Kitty." If she wanted to ask Kitty if it was true, the Kitty couldn't tell her no. Remy had gone to the mall with Kitty one day and he had disappeared for a short while. Of course, Kitty didn't know that the real reason he disappeared was because he was trying to ditch her. And she didn't know that he had spent more than half of that time away in line at Starbucks and the other half walking behind her and throwing little pieces of paper at her head and then ducking when she turned around.
"Well…" Rogue looked to be lost for words. The cup of ice cream in her hand was forgotten and hung limply. The look on her face wasn't one that Remy could easily decipher. She looked like she was torn between being upset and being in shock and then a touch of anger was there also.
Remy couldn't figure why that was there. Was his plan to make her so jealous she lost it coming together this easily?
Then, before he could think anymore on it, Rogue blinked and the look disappeared. "That's…great. Congratulations." But she said congratulations the way you would say to someone go screw yourself. Then she was gone. She turned and was pushing the cart away from him and Remy was left to stare dazedly at the curve of her hips as she walked away…
And now he had to snap out of it.
"Wait up!" He called and jogged to catch up with her. "What's wrong with you, hm?" He walked alongside her now but she didn't turn to look at him. Instead, she turned sharply into an isle, grabbed a can of asparagus, and viciously flung it into the cart.
"I'm fine." She snapped without looking at him. She didn't seem to be looking at anything she was pulling off of the shelves either. Now she was just jerking random cans of vegetables and throwing them in the cart.
Women. He didn't understand them. They were the most complex and confusing creatures on the planet. He'd never had a guy friend run off in a tiff without explaining why and then tell him he was fine. No, he had had a guy friend tell him why he was mad, then punch him in the face, then several hours later bought him a beer. Wasn't that the normal thing to do? Why didn't Rogue just punch him and then buy him lots and lots of alcoholic beverages? Remy didn't boast to be the smartest man in the world, but he did know that when a woman said that she was fine she was most likely NOT fine. Sighing, he tried to get her attention.
"What's wrong? And don't go telling me you're fine, that makes you liar when you say that and don't mean it." Remy cringed. He shouldn't have said that. What made him say that? Rogue turned to him sharply and he couldn't help it—he took a step back and held up his hands. "What I meant was, why are you mad at Remy? I told you I'm in love, what's so horrible bout' that? You're not jealous, are you?" he asked and tried not to sound too happy.
Rogue's face paled. "Of course I'm not! I just…" She trailed off, not really knowing what she 'just'. Remy had said that he was in love and Rogue automatically knew who he was in love with. He said it was someone named Jessica, but she knew he was lying. Remy's eyebrow twitched when he lied. And when he said the name Jessica she knew he was lying. Nope, she knew who he was really in love with.
And that was Kitty.
It had to be Kitty. Kitty had been staring at him for months, watching him like a hawk. Had Remy been watching her too and Rogue had missed it? She couldn't quite recall a time when she had seen Remy watch Kitty the way Kitty watched Remy, but it must have happened. He had gone to the mall with Kitty and ended up in love? He must love her. He had to. Which brought her to why she was mad. Why did he think he had to make up some other girl? Why didn't he just say it was Kitty? Why was even telling her this in the first place? Why did he think she was jealous? Why didn't he know why she was upset when it was so obvious why she mad? Men. And WHY in the world did she suddenly not like Kitty?
Honestly though…Maybe Remy and Kitty wouldn't be so bad together. She could stomach that. They were both attractive, single people with similar interests…none that Rogue could remember at the moment, but they must have some similar interests. But…she hated to admit it, but something about this whole thing bothered her. But then, she could always chalk it up to the fact that she was hungry. That biscuit hadn't really filled her up.
Yes, that was probably the problem.
"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I'm happy for you. Really, I am. I'm just um…"
"PMS?"
"Why do guys assume that when girls are mean they're on their period?" Rogue fumed. "A woman's menstrual cycle is A) none of your business and B) the way a woman acts on her period is the way that men act all the time!"
"Wow." He clenched his fists and bit his tongue. This woman could make him so mad sometimes and over the stupidest things…
"I'm sorry," Rogue said calmly. "That was uncalled for. But DON'T EVER ask me if I'm on my period. Oh, and don't let me forget to get some tampons while we're here."
Remy gasped. "What!"
"You heard me."
The palm of his hand slapped into his forehead and then slowly trailed down the length of his face. Women. Why? Why? Why? Why were they so weird? Were they all like this or was this just Rogue? What a stupid question. Of course they were all like this. If they were anything different then they wouldn't be the complex creatures that they were.
"Ok," he said slowly. "So…why are you mad?"
"I'm not mad."
"Why are you upset?"
"Because you're talkin about PMS!"
"BEFORE that. You were upset before."
"I wasn't upset." Rogue insisted as she grabbed a can of carrots.
"Alright, fine." He rolled his eyes. "I need your help."
She stopped and turned to regard him seriously. "With what?"
"I…" he tried to feign worried hesitation. "I don't think she'll take me as I am."
She stared. "Of course she will, why wouldn't she?"
Despite that her words made him a little happy inside, he continued. "She's…different. I really like her and I don't wanna mess it up. And I feel like the way I am now just ain't good enough."
Remy almost took a step back when he saw another flash of anger cross her face.
"What! If she can't take you the way you are then she ain't good enough for you and NOT worth your time." She snapped. "You don't need to change for anyone! If she don't like it then she can cry a river, build a bridge, and then get over it! How dare she! I don't know this woman, Remy, but I don't like her."
"Whoa, whoa, hang on now," he said calmly as he fought not to burst out into a big grin. "She didn't go askin Remy to change. She don't even know that I'm in love with her. I just want to better myself for her, is all. And I want ya to help me. Please?"
Hands on hips now, Rogue narrowed her eyes at him. "You want me to help you change? For a girl?"
"Yes," he said sadly and tried to use 'the face' just like Rogue liked to. He widened his eyes and poked his lip out, just like she did. But of course when she did it, she looked adorable. Unfortunately, Remy had the strong feeling that he just looked like an overgrown baby. "Pleeeease?" He pleaded.
"Don't use that face."
Remy widened his eyes.
"Stop it."
His lip came out to a ridiculous pout.
"Stop it now."
Blinking sadly, Remy sniffled.
"Remy!"
His lower lip was starting to tremble—maybe he wasn't as bad at this as he thought?
Rogue threw her hands in the air. "Ok! Fine! Fine! Just stop makin that face!"
"It's terrible, ain't it?" He shot at her.
"Yes," she agreed and shook her head. "I shouldn't have taught you that…"
"Yeah, well, the damage is done now. So you'll help me? Great!" He grinned. "So, first off: What does ol' Gambit need to change about his self to become more desirable?"
There was a long silence. Rogue just stared at him, slowly shaking her head. "Remy…" she said slowly. "Look, there's soup!"
And then she was gone, running down the isle to start picking up random cans of soup.
"Rogue," he said when he caught up with her. "You ain't helping. You said you'd help…do I need to do the face again?"
She whirled around to face him. "No!" Several cans of soup were dropped into the cart. "Fine, fine. OK…Ok…ok…"
"What great help you are."
"Shut-up, I'm thinkin."
"Ok."
She snapped her fingers. "Ok, I got it. You don't need to change. Be yourself. If that ain't good enough for her then she can go be with someone else-"
"Rogue."
"Fine!" Sighing, she looked him up and down and shrugged. "I don't know…how about…you get a haircut. It's kind of long."
"Ok."
"And I reckon you could use some new clothes. You wear that shirt all the time."
"I like this shirt."
"And you can be kind of annoyin sometimes, so try to tone it down."
"Hey!"
"And when you eat soup, you slurp. And when you chew on gum you smack it and that is really irritatin'. Oh! And you know that thing you do when we go on a mission and I'm busy kickin some guys ass and I'm doin a good job and then you run up and take him out and act like you've done me a favor?"
"Um, yes."
"Stop doin that."
"I doubt I'll be going on any missions with her."
Rogue smirked when his eyebrow twitched. She didn't understand why he just wouldn't say it was Kitty. Maybe he just wanted to keep it to himself? Well if that was the case she would be merciful and not mention it to him or anyone else. Obviously he didn't want her to know for some reason. This fact bugged her to no end but she wasn't going to press him about it.
"Maybe not," she played along, "but it's the principle of the thing. Sometimes it's ok to come to a woman's rescue. Sometimes it's not. When I'm beatin up on one of the bad guys, I'm doin it, it ain't your business to but in. Don't be so macho, I can take care of myself."
"Ok," he sighed. "When is it ok to come to a woman's rescue?"
She thought for a moment. "Say, if the car broke down and she's stuck in the middle of no where. Then it's ok. Then you're a hero. If she calls and asks for your help, that is."
"What?" He asked in utter perplexity. Women made no sense at all.
"Yeah," she nodded. "Oh! And you do this really annoyin thing when we're watching TV. You take the remote and flip through the channels—but you flip through them so fast there's no way to tell what's on!"
"I can tell."
"But I can't! That's the point! Be more considerate of her needs. But don't be too observant. That's just creepy."
"I…am very confused."
"Good. That's normal. Tomato soup is your favorite, right?"
"Right," he nodded vaguely. He was pretty sure he was in over his head now. Women already confused the hell out of him but Rogue seemed to have so many different layers of complicated emotions and thought processes. How he was ever going to find his way through that mess, he didn't know.
He didn't know how he was going to do it, he didn't even know if he could do it. But he knew one thing for certain. Rogue would be worth every minute of it.
To Be Continued...