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Lorelai came out a few minutes later to find Rory leaning against the jeep.

"God, I'm sorry," she said hurrying over to her. "Are you okay?"

"You were right," Rory said, shaking her head. "I shouldn't have told them."

Lorelai put her arms around her, holding her closely.

"At least they know, right?"

"Right," Rory said quietly. "So what else did Grandma say?"

"Not much. She said she didn't understand and when I offered to give her a play-by-play she gave me an Emily glare. That was my cue to leave."

"I can't believe she blamed you like that."

"Oh, I can," Lorelai said grimly. "Any bad decision you make can be traced back to me."

Rory smiled but she didn't feel terribly amused and her mother hastily added,

"Bad in her eyes, I mean. This isn't a bad decision."

Rory nodded and Lorelai kissed her cheek

"Let's go home."

The rest of the weekend was quiet. Lorelai and Rory went to Luke's, Rory looking out hopefully for Jess but was told he'd had to go to Philadelphia for an event. Thinking about Jess reminded Rory that she still had his book, left in her apartment – was it still her apartment? – and she was yet to read the last few pages. She felt her cheeks flush and Lorelai laughed, nudging her daughter.

"What's with you?"

"Nothing," Roy grinned, hiding her face in her coffee cup. "Nothing at all."

On Monday Rory drove into Hartford for her appointment. Somehow it didn't feel any easier than the week before and the gnaw of anxiety still knotted in Rory's stomach as she parked and went into the doctor's. She took a deep breath, pushed open the door and attempted a smile at Doctor Moran.

"Rory. Hello."

"Hi."

Rory sat down, grateful that she wasn't being treated any differently than usual and then felt a slight jolt that going to see her doctor had become habit.

"How's your week been?" the doctor asked, shaking Rory from her thoughts. "Has anything changed?"

"My husband's still slept with someone else."

"Are you still at home?"

"Yes."

"Your mother's home."

"I know what you meant," Rory said, a little uneasy that she had. The doctor nodded and asked,

"Have you heard from Logan at all?"

"Yes," Rory told her. "I've got flowers from him every day, and a letter."

"Did you keep them?"

"My mother threw the flowers away but I kept the letter."

The doctor nodded and asked,

"What did it say?"

Rory's cheeks felt hot.

"That he loved me, that we should give our marriage another shot. I don't know why I kept it."

"You don't?"

Rory shrugged and the doctor looked at her carefully.

"How did reading it make you feel?"

"Great!" Rory said, a little annoyed, and the doctor added,

"What did you think about Logan had said? Trying again?"

"I don't know," Rory said, ashamed of her sarcasm. "When I found out all I wanted to do was get out of there but I miss him. I miss our marriage."

"It's important to you."

"Of course it's important to me. I mean, it hasn't been wonderful lately, even without the – what Logan did, but.."

Rory trailed off and the doctor looked at her expectantly.

"Go on."

"When we first got married, it was wonderful," Rory said slowly. "It was like an adventure, like how Logan said we would jump. It was like that. It was like jumping again."

"Rory, I'm afraid I'm a little lost. You'll have to explain the jumping thing."

"Right," Rory said, embarrassed. "It was when I first met Logan, back in college. I worked for the paper and I found out about a secret society he was part of, it was called The Life and Death Brigade, and I got invited to a secret event by Logan. It was incredible. Everyone was dressed in these strange clothes, beautiful ballgowns, drinking champagne and playing games and at the end of it was a huge stunt. I took part in it."

"What was the stunt?"

"Jumping off a platform seven storeys high, holding umbrellas."

The doctor raised her eyebrows.

"You're braver than I would be."

"I wasn't going to do it," Rory said, smiling sadly at the memory. "But then Logan said all these things to me about real journalists taking part in their work and how this was the whole point of being young. How some people just go through life without living for a minute and how I seemed sheltered, how I hadn't really done anything dangerous. And then I ended up climbing with him and jumping, wearing this beautiful dress he had bought for me. It was the most insane thing I'd ever done."

"More than taking a yacht?"

"Maybe not ," Rory conceded. "But it felt more insane, even after that. It wasn't for anything but fun but...I felt so alive. I was scared but Logan held my hand. I felt different after that...it was like that whole world was there for me. It wasn't something I couldn't be a part of anymore because Logan was there and we'd be part of it together. He already knew it."

"Are you glad you took part?"

"I'm glad I did the stunt," Rory said cautiously. "And I still felt weird, sometimes, at parties and things, but Logan was there. He told me I could do it."

"Do you agree with him?"

"Huh?"

"About being sheltered," the doctor explained. "About being unadventurous."

Rory stopped and frowned.

"I hadn't thought of myself that way until he said it," she said thoughtfully. "I mean, I'd never gotten stupidly drunk, apart from one time at Spring Break – and I didn't enjoy any of the things we were supposed to do – and I never went to crazy parties, but I didn't feel like I was missing out. It wasn't like I didn't have fun or was scared to do that stuff, I just didn't enjoy it."

"How did he saying that make you feel?"

"I felt bad," Rory said. "I couldn't stop thinking about it, why I didn't want to take risks. Maybe Logan was right, maybe it was bad not to take them. It wasn't as if I'd never taken risks before but not the kind he meant."

"What kind of risks did you take?"

"I went to New York by myself without telling anyone," Rory told her. "When I was seventeen, without thinking about it – I just did it. I skipped school and went."

"What made you do it?"

"I wanted to see Jess," Rory said, blushing. "He'd moved back and then he called and me and I wanted to see him. So I did."

The doctor nodded and Rory found herself adding,

"It all got screwed up...my bus was late leaving and made stops so I missed my mom's graduation but I don't regret going. When I was with Jess, I..."

The doctor looked at her curiously and Rory shook her head.

"Never mind."

"I'd like to hear what you were going to say."

"When I was with Jess I felt like I was taking a risk," Rory said, wondering why she suddenly felt so nervous. "Not like I was doing something dangerous or something that wasn't me but...it was like I did things I wouldn't always do, but I still felt I was the one doing them. It felt natural."

"Such as?"

"Like going to New York. Like driving the car around, when we should be studying. Like...like just being with him. I wanted to do more."

"You didn't feel that way with Logan?"

"Sometimes, but – it always felt like Logan's world. It was always his idea."

The doctor nodded and Rory said unhappily,

"I don't know how to be apart from him. I'm scared, I – I don't know if I can forgive him but I can't imagine not being his wife."

The doctor put down her pen and looked at Rory.

"Rory, have you ever ended a relationship?"

"I've broken up with people," Rory said uncomfortably. The doctor's gaze felt as though it were going directly through her.

"Yes, but did you initiate any of these breakups?"

"No," Rory said, after a pause. "Jess asked me to go away with him once and I said no but we weren't together then."

"Have you ever been unhappy in you relationships?"

"I guess," Rory said cautiously. "But I never wanted to end them."

"Why not?"

"I loved them," Rory said, after a pause. "And I...my mom said to me once that she didn't want me to be ever afraid to tell someone I loved them. Her relationships never worked out and I...I didn't want mine to fall apart like hers. I loved the guys I was with."

"You first boyfriend broke up with you because you couldn't say you loved him," the doctor reminded Rory, who nodded.

"She said it right after that. I could say it then and I didn't want Dean to ever think I stopped loving him."

"Did you?"

"I wanted to," Rory confessed. "I told myself I did."

"Have you ever been single for a long time?"

"My first year at Yale but not since then. I got married right after college."

"Yes, I remember. Did anyone tell you not to?"

"I think my mom thought I was too young, but everyone else was happy," Rory said. "We loved each other."

"Do you think you were too young?"

"Maybe," Rory said quietly. "But I'd been with Logan for so long...it felt like the right thing to do. I didn't want to let him go."

"Did you write that in your letter?"

Rory shifted in her seat.

"I didn't write it."

"I see."

Rory felt like the time she'd started Chilton and hadn't caught up on her reading.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not an assignment, Rory. Nothing I suggest is compulsory."

"I know. I'm still sorry. I tried but I couldn't think of anything to write so I...gave up."

"Why do you think that was?"

"I don't know. I can't think of what to say to him."

"Don't make yourself stressed about it," the doctor said. "But try again, after a few days, and see if you can write something then."

Rory nodded and the doctor looked at the clock.

"I think we'll leave it here for today. I'll see you next week?"

"Next week," Rory agreed, getting up and shaking the doctor's hand. "Thanks."

Rory felt odd, walking back to the car. She'd never thought about how her relationships had ended before. In her mind, it had never seemed that important as to who had ended things, they were still broken up, but now she couldn't help remembering and how, every time, she had cried in bed, wondering helplessly what it was she had done wrong.

Rory almost drove back onto the main road before remembering Jess's book. She turned around and drove up to the apartment, feeling odd parking there again. It felt even stranger going in and her legs shook as she mounted the stairs and unlocked the door.

There was a bad, musty smell in the apartment and old containers of takeout. It seemed Logan had forgotten his disdain for the smell they left and Rory wrinkled her nose as she pushed them into the overflowing trash. The wedding ring was gone from the table. Rory wasn't sure if she was relieved or not and washed her hands before going into the bedroom and screaming. Someone was in the bed and for a moment she couldn't tell it was Logan as her eyes adjusted to the dark.

"Ace," he groaned. "Is that you?"

Rory switched on the light with a trembling hand. The curtains were drawn and Logan shielded his eyes against the electric light. The room was a mess, there was food and old bottles of beer gathered around the bed and Logan's eyes were bloodshot and red.

"Logan," Rory gasped. "What's happened."

"I miss you," Logan slurred, reaching over and gripping her hand. "Are you here?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"I dreamed you...Rory, stay here. Stay here with me."

Rory sat down on the bed, heart fluttering with shock. Logan managed to pull himself up against the pillows and Rory noticed a mark on his cheek.

"What's that?"

"That?" Logan asked blearily, following her finger. "I went to the club on Saturday. Your grandpa was there. For an old guy he's got a pretty fierce right hook."

"Grandpa hit you?" Rory exclaimed, mortified.

"He'd have done it again if some other guys in the bar hadn't grabbed him. He knocked the drink out of my hand and yelled something about me being worse than a dog."

Rory stared in silence, oddly proud and ashamed at the same time. Logan grabbed her hand again, making her jump.

"I can't live without you."

"Logan –"

"I love you, Rory," Logan said, sounding as though he were about to cry. "I've kept it safe, I've kept it right here –"

He reached over to the bedside table and picked up Rory's wedding ring. It looked no worse for wear after being thrown on the floor.

"See, I've kept it safe," Logan said, looking like child trying to please. "I kept it until you'd come back. You've come back."

"Logan –"

"I love you more than anything," Logan cried. "I need you, Ace. I'll never see her again, I only want you. I can't live without you, I feel like I'm dying."

"Don't say that!"

"Stay with me," Logan pleaded, staring at her. "Rory? Stay with me?"

"I'll stay with you," Rory promised, frightened at the look in his eyes. "I won't go."

"You won't leave me?"

"I promise."

Logan leaned up and clumsily kissed her, the alcohol both stale and fresh in his mouth, but Rory didn't push him away. She let him kiss her, hold her tight and he slid the ring back onto her finger, sealing her words.

"I knew you'd come back," Logan said, pulling her down beside him. "I knew you'd come back to me."