Thanks for the feedback! Thankfully I haven't been in this position myself but I imagine it being this way.

The following few weeks dredged by. Rory spent most of them inside the apartment, going out only for shopping and cancelling her doctor's appointments. She somehow couldn't face the thought of talking to Doctor Moran, describing her failures one by one, discuss decisions she couldn't comprehend. Lorelai called her three times after she drove back to Hartford but every time Rory said she couldn't talk and really, it wasn't a lie. Her chest tightened every time her cellphone rang and the pain wouldn't cease until it stopped.

"Rory, come on," Lorelai said sadly after her daughter told her she had an errand to run. "I'm not mad at you, I swear. Let's just talk, can't we talk?"

"I can't," Rory said, trying to catch her breath. "Mom, I'm sorry, I have to go."

"Rory –"

"Bye, Mom."

Rory felt a rush of guilt as she hung up but it was eclipsed by the relief of not having to talk anymore. The anxiety wasn't restricted to phone calls either, Rory felt afraid every time she went out, as though passers by were watching and judging and it was only when she was back inside with a cup of coffee that her breathing evened and she felt normal again. Most days, Rory sat by the window of the brownstone, coffee in hand, looking out at Hartford. Sometimes she sat with a novel but Rory would only be able to read a few sentences before the book would drop, forgotten, and Rory would start staring out at the street, the world she was hiding from.

One day Logan had the day off work. His office was being refurbished and everyone had been told to work from home. Logan stationed himself at the kitchen counter with his laptop and a bottle of beer. He worked in silence but Rory couldn't relax, every few minutes he would swig some beer and groan at the screen.

"Logan, could you work in the bedroom?"

"The light's better in here and I need the fridge," Logan replied. "Why? You're not doing anything."

Rory supposed he was right, she was stationed at her window, the page of her book limp in her hand, yet with Logan there she couldn't relax and escape her mind.

"I know, it's just – I can't focus."

Logan frowned but didn't challenge her.

"Ace, if you need some space, why don't you go in the bedroom? I need to work. If you want to do something you could run to the store. We're almost out of beers."

Rory silently got up and walked into the bedroom, declining to comment that they'd had almost a full box last night. She didn't want to argue and closed the door before lying on the bed. It felt wrong being there in the day and brought back a painful reminder of the night before, Logan had wanted to have sex and Rory didn't. She'd been okay as he'd kissed her, first with her lips and then her neck but as soon as he'd tried to touch her body she'd pushed him away. Logan lay back and asked, almost angrily,

"Do you ever want to have sex again?"

"Of course I do," Rory said quietly. "It's just – you know why, Logan."

"I told you that's over," Logan exclaimed, moving closer to her and resting his hip against hers. "I promised I'd never see Lisa again. You believe me right?"

"Yes, I believe you," Rory said, forcing herself not to move away. "I just need more time, Logan."

"You've said that the last four times."

"I'm sorry."

"No," Logan said, sounding ashamed. "It's not – I'm sorry, Ace. I didn't mean to be a jerk."

"You're not a jerk," Rory said dimly. "It's alright."

Logan looked at her but Rory lay down firmly, shutting her eyes. She felt him sitting there, staring but eventually he lay down too and switched off the light.

Lying on the bed was making her anxious again. Rory was exhausted, she hadn't slept well since she'd been back but lying down woke her brain up, shooting questions at her, why she couldn't sleep and couldn't talk. Rory tucked her legs up into the foetal position but it didn't help any. She stared to her side and her eyes rested on her cellphone. It was Monday, the day Rory used to go to the doctor, and she found herself dialling and asking for Doctor Moran. Although it had been a few weeks her appointment was still open and Rory arranged to go in, able to seen within the hour if she left now. Rory got up, put her shoes on and picked up her purse. Logan looked up as she walked past.

"Great, you're going to the store."

"No," Rory said, making him frown. "I'm going to the doctor."

"I thought you quit those sessions."

"I'm going today."

"Why?"

"I want to," Rory said. Her words sounded more irritable than she'd intended and Logan raised his eyebrows.

"Sorry."

"No," Rory said in frustration. "It's okay. I'll be back in – I don't know."

"It's barely past noon! She won't keep you that long."

"I might do something after."

"Like what?" Logan asked, his tone smug and leering. Rory got annoyed.

"I don't know," she snapped. "Something and it's not picking up your beer!"

Logan's grin disappeared and he asked petulantly,

"What about dinner?"

"You figure it out," Rory said with finality. "Bye."

Rory closed the door, marched down the stairs and starting the car made her feel a strange sense of pride. She started the car and felt a sense of a purpose for the first time in weeks.

The doctor smiled as Rory entered her office.

"Rory. It's been a while."

"I'm sorry," Rory said awkwardly and the doctor shook her head.

"No need to apologise. I was just a little worried."

"I've been busy," Rory said and, after a pause, "I went back to my husband."

The doctor's eyebrows lifted a fraction but she simply said,

"I see."

"What do you think about that?"

"How about you tell me what you think about that?" the doctor challenged. "I want to hear your thoughts, Rory, that's why you're here. What led you to this decision? Why did you choose to do this?"

"I love Logan," Rory said defiantly. "He's my husband and we're married and I thought that meant something. It should mean something, shouldn't it?"

Doctor Moran looked at her but didn't say anything and Rory burst out,

"I thought being married should mean something but apparently I'm the only one! I hate this!"

"What do you hate?"

"All of this!" Rory shouted. "I feel like everything I do is wrong! I try to do the right thing and I wind up hurting people and I don't want to! I want to try and save this and no one understands!"

"How have you hurt people?"

"My mother, she's tried to call me and I can't talk to her and she cried when I left and..." Rory stopped for breath, collecting her thoughts. "She doesn't get it. I'm not doing it to hurt her, I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to forgive my husband, he needs me, and she doesn't get it. No one gets it. I'm not surprised Jess doesn't but –"

"You've talked to Jess about this?"

"No," Rory said, flushing. "He ran into me and he's hurt too. I'm not doing it to hurt them."

The doctor nodded and Rory said fitfully,

"I feel like everything I do is a mistake. I feel like any choice I make is the wrong one and I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like...have you read Catch-22?"

"I can't say that I have."

"Well, I have, and I feel like I'm in that. It doesn't matter what I do, it's a mistake. Logan needs me, if I leave him he'll fall apart but going back has hurt my mom and I never wanted to hurt her and I..." Rory stopped miserably. "It's all wrong."

"Why does Logan need you?"

"What?"

"You said he'll fall apart without you," the doctor said. "That he needs you. In what way does he need you?"

"I – when I went to the apartment I found him in bed. He'd been there for days just drinking beer and eating takeout."

"And he needed you to stop that."

"He needs me or he'll just do that again," Rory said angrily. "Or he'll go out drinking or blow a load of money or –"

She stopped herself, biting her lip.

"Rory, why is it your responsibility to prevent Logan from making bad choices?" the doctor asked. "You could have called a friend or relative to help him."

"It's not that simple."

"Why isn't it?"

"Before Logan met me, he was that way," Rory said hesitantly. "I mean, he didn't lie in bed for days or anything but he drank a lot, screwed around."

"So you think it's up to you to stop that."

The doctor's face was mild and unassuming yet Rory felt as though she had said something wrong.

"I told Logan I couldn't be someone just to sleep with," she said. "That I had to be a girlfriend to someone so it wasn't going to work out. He stopped me. He said he'd be a boyfriend for me, a good guy, and even though he still partied a lot and drank a lot he was that guy."

"Yet his original behaviour didn't change."

"No, but –" Rory stopped, blindsided. "It was different. He became more responsible. He spent months working in London and when it didn't work out he started his own career, away from his dad."

"For you."

"For him as well," Rory said uncomfortably. "But he said he didn't want to lose me."

"You blame yourself when he makes a mistake," the doctor said factually. "When he had his accident –"

"I should have stopped him. He only jumped because we fought."

"Did he?" the doctor asked. "I thought it was all part of his own time, what was it – the Life and Death Brigade? I thought they all pulled dangerous stunts?"

"Yes, but – Logan knew it was a bad idea. He was mad at me."

"He didn't want to do it before you argued?"

"No," Rory admitted. "We fought because he wanted to."

"How could you have stopped him?"

"I don't know," Rory said helplessly. "But I should have said something, stayed, tried harder and answered my phone. He got hurt and I didn't know right away. And when he was doing it I was with Jess."

"So you feel it was your duty to stay with him and look after him?"

"I guess. I felt awful."

"And you're carrying this guilt now?"

"Logan is my husband," Rory said, avoiding the question. "He loved me enough to marry me and when we met he didn't even want to be a relationship. If I got him to –"

"Got him to?"

"He chose to marry me," Rory said, feeling more and more uncomfortable. "He needs to know I'll be there."

"Yet he slept with someone else."

"He made a mistake," Rory said. "Doesn't everyone?"

The doctor didn't say anything and Rory stumbled on,

"I have to try and work through this. It's hard but I have to try."

The doctor nodded and Rory's cheeks went red.

"Rory?" the doctor asked curiously. "Is something wrong?"

"I – it's nothing."

"I'd like to hear."

Rory was silent and for a moment her old nickname Mary was alive in her mind.

"I can't have sex with my husband," she said eventually. "And I haven't been back long but sometimes I think I just won't, ever. I can't."

"You aren't aroused?"

Rory felt a teenage sense of embarrassment but she answered,

"I am, or I think I will be, but when he starts touching me I have to stop. I'm not thinking of anything in particular, I just have to."

"Could it be because of the affair?"

"Maybe," Rory said. It would be easier to leave it at that but she found herself adding,

"It was bad before that."

"You couldn't make love?"

"I could, but I never felt like I was there. I felt like I was pretending and I couldn't come...I had to pretend," Rory finished awkwardly but the doctor's face didn't change. "Or I had to think of something else."

"Did you talk about it with Logan?"

"He wouldn't understand. He didn't."

"It sounds like your marital problems run deeper than this affair, Rory."

"So I should give up?"

"I wouldn't call acknowledging your problems giving up, Rory," the doctor admonished. "It's more the opposite."

Rory nodded and the doctor added in a more gentle tone,

"And Rory, you shouldn't blame yourself for your husband's accident. Nor for his choices now."

Rory stared and she said kindly,

"I know it's easier said than done."

Rory was silent and the doctor asked,

"Have you talked to your mother about this?"

"I feel anxious when she calls."

"Have you been feeling anxious a lot?"

"I have since I got back. I haven't slept very well."

"You sound very stressed, Rory."

Rory nodded but didn't say anything to agree or argue. The doctor said,

"I would go and see your mother. Talk about your decision with her."

"She doesn't understand."

"She doesn't need to. You need to talk about how you feel and if you can't see her, write her a letter."

"Is that your solution for everything?" Rory couldn't help asking. The doctor laughed.

"I think it's an excellent exercise. Did you write to Logan?"

"I'm back now, what's the point."

"I would still do so. Goodbye, Rory."

"Goodbye," Rory said, a little surprised. She got up to shake her hand and the doctor smiled.

"I'm glad you came back. I hope to see you next week."

After the appointment Rory slowly walked out and got into the car. It was only lunchtime and she didn't want to head back to the apartment and Logan's sneers. She went to a cafe, bought a coffee and sandwich and then, without thinking about it, got into her car and drove to Stars Hollow. Lorelai would be working but she could still drop by, or wait. Rory had the whole afternoon.

There was a fair amount of traffic and it took Rory a while to get there. She finally parked the car, feeling hot and frustrated, and got out, gratefully breathing in the cool air. She started slowly walking, deliberately taking her time, and almost collided with someone on the sidewalk. It was Jess.

"Sorry," Rory said, before seeing who it was. "Oh. I'm sorry, Jess."

"That's okay," Jess said, kindly not mentioning how Rory had trod on his foot. "I didn't know you were in town."

"Kind of a snap decision."

"Right."

They stood in silence. It felt terribly awkward, the only sound a bee buzzing nearby.

"I'm sorry," Rory said before she lost her nerve. "I'm sorry I told you to shut up."

"It's okay," Jess said. Rory waited but he didn't take back his words and, before she could say anything else, they moved out of the way as a woman with a stroller walked by.

"Are you okay?" Jess asked in concern. Rory blinked.

"Huh?"

"You looked upset."

"I'm okay," Rory said, crossing her arms. "I'm fine."

Jess nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets. A group of small girls walked past, giggling about something, and Rory and Jess stepped off the pavement for them.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Jess asked, jerking his head. "We're running over babies and children standing here."

"Okay."

"Unless – are you going someplace?"

"I'm here to see Mom but she's still at work. I've got some time."

"Alright," Jess nodded. He led the way to his apartment and it felt wonderfully familiar to be back within his booklined shelves. Jess handed Rory a bottle of water and they sat down in silence.

"Well," he said eventually. "This is awkward."

"It's not so bad."

"It is from where I'm standing."

"You're sitting!"

"Very witty. Point still stands – oh, now there's punning, unintentional too."

Rory giggled and Jess laughed as well, making her relax. It felt good for him not to be mad at her anymore yet her stomach twisted as he asked,

"So how are things with Logan?"

"Fine," Rory said defiantly. He raised his eyebrows and she added, "Okay, kind of weird, but we're not fighting."

"Not fighting," Jess echoed. "Sounds like marital bliss."

"Jess!"

"Rory, I'm sorry but I don't get it," Jess said in frustration. "He cheated on you. He slept with someone else, for months, and you're going back to him and he was a jerk before that. Why are you still with him?"

"We're married."

"So what?" Jess exclaimed, eyes wide. "So what, Rory? You make a promise when you're married, right? You love each other, you cherish each other and not cheating is the biggest one on the list! He's broken all of that and you're still wearing his ring! Why?"

"He loves me!"

"He cheated on you!" Jess said again, staring at her. "And he was treating you like dirt! You don't do that to someone you love!"

"It's complicated!"

"It's not complicated!" Jess said, shaking his head. "It's the farthest thing from complicated! He cheated on you, what else is there to it?"

"He made a mistake!"

"Oh, come on, Rory. He mistakenly slept with someone else for months?"

"Jess, people make mistakes," Rory said, after a pause. "I can't judge, I slept with someone married. Maybe I should just let it go."

"What?"

"You know I did," Rory said, her voice tightening. "With Dean, and I knew. I did it with him for months."

"Rory, you're not serious. You're going to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for something stupid you did when you were nineteen?"

"It was the same thing!"

"You weren't the one married! Didn't he tell you it was over with his wife?"

"I knew it wasn't underneath. I knew it was wrong."

"Rory, stop," Jess said, taking her hands. "You screwed up but that doesn't mean you lie down and take whatever crap Logan throws at you. You don't punish yourself for a mistake you made years ago and let someone hurt you, let him hurt you. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard."

Rory looked down and he bent so he could still see her eyes.

"The way to deal with mistakes isn't to put ourselves through hell, trust me. It's not the way. Rory, you're better than this. Why are you doing this?"

"I'm in love with him," she said, her voice catching. "Despite all the bad he's done, I love him. I can't help it."

"You said that before," Jess said sadly. He sat back and let go of her hands.

"Jess, I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life," Rory said. "But I love him. I want our marriage to be how it was."

"You can't make things how they were," Jess said seriously. "Trust me."

He looked away and Rory stared down at her hands. She missed his hold on hers.

"I'm scared," she blurted out, making him look up. "Jess, I'm really...I'm afraid."

"Of what?" he asked gently and she shook her head.

"I'm scared of what I'm doing, of what's happening. I'm scared because I don't love him like he did."

"Rory –"

"I do still love him," she said, looking up. "But not how I did. Before he...did what he did...it was different. I screwed this up."

"You're not the one who jumped into bed with someone else!"

"I told Logan I wanted to be with him," Rory said, feeling tears fill her eyes. "When he fell off the cliff I said I'd always be there, I promised him."

"Rory –"

"I can't let this fall apart," she said, clenching her hands. "I can't let it happen."

"Rory, it's already happened," Jess said, moving to face her. "This...all of this is a mistake."

"No, it's not!" Rory said sharply, getting up. "It's still my marriage!"

"You're miserable with him and he slept with someone else," Jess said. "What kind of marriage is that?"

Rory stared, her heart racing. Jess stared back, refusing to look away and all Rory was able to say was,

"I have to go."

"Rory!"

"I need to see Mom," she said, brushing past. "Thanks for the water."

"This is a mistake!" Jess called as she hurried down the stairs. "You know it is!"

Rory ignored him yet his words echoed all the way to see her mother, refusing to let her go.