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Rory walked to the Dragonfly. It had been so long since she had been there that it almost felt like somewhere new, a haunt from her past. She pushed open the main door and walked into the lobby. It was almost completely empty, even the desk was bare and Rory stood by it awkwardly, wondering what to do. Her hand hovered over the small bell but she felt foolish, remembering the time she and Lorelai had taken the roadtrip and stayed at the strange bed and breakfast, the woman insisting she ring the bell to fully feel the welcome at The Cheshire Cat.
Rory waited but no one came. She felt stupid for coming like this, without even calling. Lorelai could be busy all day, possibly not even there and she'd just assumed her mother would be waiting. Rory slowly turned around and felt her heart drop heavily at the thought of going back to Hartford. She supposed she could see Lane, assuming she was there, but maybe she wouldn't want to. Maybe she was a hindrance to everyone. Rory started to the door but stopped. There'd been a time when the Dragonfly had felt like her place too, not in the same way as the Independence Inn, never a home, but she had the same kind of pride of it as Lorelai. Rory'd been there from the start, from the day her mother found it, crumbling and decrepit and had made it her own. She knew she couldn't understand half the stress her mother had been under but when the day came for it open she felt the same giddy kind of pride, the same joy that the dream her mother had nurtured for so many years had come true.
Rory sank down on one of the couches, staring at the beautifully panelled walls. It seemed impossible that less than ten years ago it had been a long-forgotten building at the back of some woods and Rory remembered clearly looking at it from a blanket, wondering if making it their own inn would ever come true. She closed her eyes, suddenly tired, and opened them again as someone squealed,
"Rory!"
Rory looked up to see Sookie emerge from the kitchen, a wide smile on her face.
"What are you doing here, pumpkin?" she asked fondly, going over and hugging her. "Here to see your mom?"
"Yes, is she around?"
"She's had to run an errand but she should be back soon. You want some cookies while you wait? They're chocolate-chip and fresh from the oven! And coffee too, you want coffee!"
Rory smiled at Sookie's enthusiasm. She'd never seemed to believe that Rory had grown past the age of ten and at her wedding she had burst into tears.
You were a little girl the other day she'd sobbed, splashing tears on the front of Rory's dress. You can't have grown up!
Sookie looked at her the same way now and though she didn't say anything Rory could tell she knew.
"I'd love that," Rory said gratefully. "If you aren't busy."
"Oh sweetie, we're in a lull. Michel's on his break but he'll be back in five and I'll be home soon to look after the kids. I can't believe Davey's in Kindergarten – they grow up so fast!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You don't need to hear about all that, how are you?"
"I'm fine," Rory said firmly. "And I'd love to hear about the kids – I haven't heard about them in the longest time."
Sookie started talking to Rory all about her children, how she was scared Martha was mad about being a middle child although Jackson said she was too little to figure that out and how Ellen was mastering potty-training.
"It sounds stressful," Rory said and Sookie laughed.
"It is, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. You'll see."
Rory didn't know what to say to that so simply smiled. Sookie caught herself, blushed and patted her leg.
"I'll go get those cookies."
She got up and disappeared behind the door again. Rory crossed her legs, uncomfortable at being left alone again. She uncrossed them, considered following Sookie into the kitchen when the front door opened and a voice said in shock,
"Rory?"
Rory turned around to see her mother frozen to the carpet. She was dressed smartly with a clipboard in her hand but she let it fall, the paper swinging slightly in her hand. Rory got up and walked slowly towards her.
"Hey, Mom."
"Hey, kid," Lorelai said quietly. She let the clipboard fall down and hugged her daughter tightly.
"I'm sorry, Mom," Rory whispered but Lorelai shook her head, not letting her out of her grip.
"I've got the cookies!"
Mother and daughter parted as Sookie came back into the room, a plate of cookies and a cup of coffee in her hand. She sensed it was an inopportune moment and hastily said,
"Maybe I'll just put them back in the kitchen."
"Sookie, could you put them in a bag?" Lorelai asked. "Rory and I are going to take a walk."
Sookie disappeared and reermeged shortly with the cookies in a plastic bag, reminding Rory of taking rocky-road cookies to Dean so many years ago. She didn't comment on it and silently followed her mother out of the inn and out to the woods, where there was a bench for guests. It was out of the way and often empty but some people chose to go a more different route. It was deserted today and mother and daughter sat down, unwilling to look at each other for a moment. The cookies sat in Lorelai's lap but neither reached for one.
"You know," Lorelai said suddenly, "I've driven halfway to Hartford and back about fifty times the past few weeks."
"Mom –"
"And I ran out of gas doing it," Lorelai continued with a small laugh. "So I had to get more gas in Hartford which is double the price here."
"Mom, I'm so sorry."
"Rory, I'm not mad at you," Lorelai said in frustration. "I just don't understand. Why won't you talk to me? Why did you make up some excuse every time I called?"
"I didn't want to talk about it."
"Too bad, because I want to talk about it," Lorelai said relentlessly. "I want to know why you've gone back and why you're hiding from me."
Rory didn't say anything and Lorelai added,
"I know why but you don't have to hide from me, you never have to hide from me."
"You don't understand!" Rory exclaimed. "When I told you didn't accept it!"
"I didn't accept it? You're damn right I didn't accept it, Rory! You told me you were going back to your husband who cheated on you and I'm supposed to swallow that, smile and accept it? No! I didn't accept you dropping out of Yale and I'm not going to accept this!"
Rory stared at her skirted leg and Lorelai took her arm, making her look up.
"I don't want this to be like last time," she said. "Rory, I don't want us to get into a fight and not talk for six whole months. I don't – I can't go through that again. It killed me, kid."
"It killed me too," Rory agreed quietly and Lorelai sighed, letting her go.
"But that doesn't mean I'm letting this go. I can't just let you make this mistake. Last time I was so mad at you I stopped trying and I'm not doing that. Rory, this isn't right. I'm your mother. It hurts to see my friend this way but it's a whole other pile of hurt to see my daughter doing this."
"I'm not doing it to hurt you!"
"No, you're not, you doing it to hurt yourself!"
Rory stared at her, as shocked as though she'd been slapped. Lorelai stared back, her eyes bright with tears but Rory was lost for words. Lorelai took her hand.
"Rory, come home with me," she said gently. "We can go home, right now, and figure this whole thing out."
"I can't do that!"
"Yes, you can! Of course you can! Forget Logan, he doesn't matter."
"He's my husband!"
"Rory!" Lorelai cried, getting to her feet. The cookies fell but neither noticed. "Why do you keep saying that? What's it going to take for you to see that he doesn't deserve to be your husband anymore?"
Rory bit her lip and eventually said,
"I love him."
"Rory, sometimes loving someone isn't enough," Lorelai said pleadingly. "I know you love him, I know it hurts but you can't just lie down and let him cheat on you."
"He promised never to do it again!"
Lorelai shook her head and Rory angrily exclaimed,
"I believe him, Mom!"
"Fine, you believe him," Lorelai said, sitting back down. "Does that change the fact that he did it in the first place? Does it change the fact that you've been so unhappy the past couple of months? That he tried to use that as a defence?"
Rory fell silent and Lorelai looked into her eyes.
"Sweetie, you can always come to me," she said. "It doesn't matter what's happened or if you think it's too late – just come home. Pack your bags and come back home. I know you can do it, kid. You did it before."
"Mom, I've told him I'd stay," Rory said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I promised him."
"Rory, I can't support this," Lorelai said sadly. "I can't take him back into my home, pretend nothing has happened and invite him over for holidays. I don't think I can even be in the same room as him."
"But I'm with him," Rory cried. "What am I supposed to do? What are we supposed to do?"
"I don't know," Lorelai said quietly. "I don't know."
They lapsed into silence. Rory looked out at the beautiful green meadow which led to the inn, ringed by trees, and down at her fancy shoes. The mud had got onto them, wrecking the white, and Rory suddenly remembered the day Emily had come to Stars Hollow and borrowed some sneakers to wear so her shoes wouldn't be ruined. It felt like a very long time ago.
"How's Grandma?" she asked, breaking the silence. Lorelai looked up and blushed.
"You told them," Rory said. "it's okay."
"I wasn't going to."
"They'd have found out eventually."
"I really wasn't," Lorelai said earnestly. "But I had to go to dinner and just seeing them sitting there, looking so smug, set a switch off and I started yelling at them, telling Mom it was all her fault. Kind of like a Freaky Friday of that other dinner."
"What did they say?"
"Dad kept trying to interrupt, ask what I was saying, and Mom didn't say anything. I yelled that this was all her fault for filling your head with crap about compromise and she told me not to be hysterical."
"Was she thrilled?"
Lorelai hesitated and frowned.
"She was quiet," she said thoughtfully. "I asked her if she was happy now, that you'd gone back to that bastard and she just said she wasn't happy and she never wanted that. She didn't even tell me off for swearing."
"What did Grandpa say?"
"Dad said one punch hadn't been enough and then he went into his study. Didn't even get a chance to tell him how proud I was. I haven't been back since."
"Right."
Rory stared at her smeared shoes and Lorelai said,
"Rory, what happened?"
Rory looked up to see her mother staring at her. The moisture in her eyes had trickled into tears and Rory asked in a quavering voice,
"What do you mean?"
"I mean this," Lorelai cried. "All of this. Rory, I remember years ago, when you were a little girl, you came up to me one day and announced you were never getting married."
"Mom –"
"I asked why not and you said you were going to Harvard and you were going to be a journalist instead. I remember it so well, I'd just finished polishing some silver and you were eight years old and you just stood there, firm with your arms crossed."
Rory swallowed, memory teasing in her mind.
"And then I said you didn't have to quit working if you got married and you said you didn't want to be like the ladies in the book you'd just read, where they lit their husband's pipes and poured his beer, waiting for him to get home from work because you wanted to be the one getting home from work. I laughed at you. I said that book had been written a very long time ago and it was the 1990s and women could do whatever they wanted. I told you by the time you'd be all grown up it would be the twenty-first century and you could have a husband and take the world by storm. And you told me I'd never had a husband and you liked that. You wanted to be like me and it just made me the happiest I'd ever been."
Rory smiled and Lorelai added,
"I told you you didn't have to be like me to do what you wanted. I promised that getting married wouldn't mean giving up work and you looked so worried. I gave you a kiss and told you to forget about it, that you would never lose your dreams and now..."
Lorelai stopped and took a ragged breath.
"What happened?" she asked tearfully. "What happened to my little girl who wanted to travel the world, see everything and never stop learning?"
Rory stared at her, unable to speak and Lorelai demanded,
"What happened to the girl who assigned herself homework in the first grade? The girl who borrowed my library card so she could read books which weren't in the kids' section? The girl who read every single book in Stars Hollow Library by the time she was twelve? The girl who covered her room in travel posters and carried books everywhere, so many she couldn't fit them in her purse?"
"I'm not a kid anymore," Rory said and Lorelai shook her head.
"No, you're not, and you know something? I think the little girl who said she didn't want to get married knew something you didn't."
Rory got to her feet, unable to bear it any longer.
"Rory, I'm not saying this to hurt you," Lorelai said, walking to meet her. "I just want to know why. I want you to be happy and you're not happy."
Rory didn't say anything and her mother added,
"You've made a mistake and that's okay. It's okay to make mistakes, Rory. I know you think failure is the worst thing you can do but ending things with Logan isn't. Playing pretend and acting like nothing wrong is."
"Doesn't marriage mean something?" Rory asked desperately. "Isn't it worth fighting for?"
Lorelai looked at her sadly and said,
"Not when there's nothing left."
Rory stared out at the trees. The green was so strong it almost ached to look at but she didn't break her gaze. She jumped when her mother put her hand on her arm.
"Come home with me," she said softly. "Let's start over. You know what else you said, that day? You said you were glad it was just us and I said I was glad too, just us Gilmore girls. You're still my Gilmore girl, Rory. Let's go home, right now, and start over. The rest doesn't matter."
Rory looked into her mother's pleading eyes but shook her head.
"Rory!"
"Mom, Logan's expecting me," she said. "I can't just walk out."
"Yes, you can! You can! We can deal with it together!"
"Not now," Rory said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Mom."
Lorelai exhaled and shook her head.
"I'm sorry too."
They looked at each other and Rory said,
"I guess I should be heading back."
"Here," Lorelai said, bending and picking up the bag of cookies. "Take these."
Rory took them, opened the bag and handed a cookie to her mother.
"You're mad at me."
"I'm not," Lorelai contradicted. "I'm just upset."
Rory nodded and Lorelai added,
"I'm glad you came. I'm glad you talked to me."
"Me too," Rory agreed and Lorelai hugged her.
"Answer your cell, okay?"
"Okay," Rory promised. "Mom, I should go. Isn't there a shortcut to the main road?"
Lorelai pointed it out, hugged her one last time and said seriously,
"Come home. Think about it, at least."
Rory nodded.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, kid," Lorelai said sadly as Rory walked away. "I love you too."
Logan was out by the time Rory got back. She sat in the kitchen, eating the cookies from the plate, and felt unable to shake her mother's words. When had things changed? When had she stopped carrying books? Rory couldn't remember but memory stuck out of an evening a few years ago where she and Logan were going to a party at Finn's. They were running late and Logan came into the bedroom to find Rory trying to stuff some Dorothy Parker into her purse.
"What is that?"
"Poetry."
"We're going to a party," Logan said, staring. "You think you're going to have time to sit and read depressing rhymes?"
"No, I –"
"And that book will get ruined if you take it," Logan said, taking it from her hands. "Nothing escapes beer being spilled on it. Do you want that?"
"No," Rory said, relinquishing. "I guess not."
She had taken the book from Logan, put it away and gone to the party and couldn't remember a time she'd taken one with her since. Logan was well-read but didn't enjoy reading outside school and when he saw her with a book he'd laugh, ask if she was going to smell it like in the library that time and Rory would put it away, embarrassed and feeling like the time she'd jumped with him and he'd called her sheltered. She never wanted to look that way to him, never thought that about herself until he'd said it.
Rory reached for another cookie and blushed to see that she'd eaten the entire bag. She felt a little sick at the realisation and threw the bag in the trash, drinking some water to negate the chocolatey taste. She meandered into the bedroom,, trying to take her mind off the nausea, and thought about some of the novels she'd packed away. Rory bent and opened the cabinet, stopping with a gasp. Slaughtherhouse Five lay where she'd forgotten and she stretched her hand out before stopping. Jess's words were alive in her mind, shaming her, and Rory retrieved her fingers. She noticed the pack of writing paper beside it, remembered the doctor's advice and took it out. She picked up a pen from the beside table, went back into the kitchen and sat at the table. It wasn't hard like last time and before she knew Rory was writing furiously.
Dear Logan,
I'm writing this to you because my doctor told me to. I thought it was dumb at first and I know you will, like you think the whole thing is, but I don't think this is stupid. I think she's onto something. There's so many things I need to say to you but when I look at you I don't have a word.
I don't love you in the same way anymore. It's not that I don't love you at all, I'm still with you because I do, but it's not like I did. Not like when we were first together back at Yale and looking at you made my chest hurt with excitement, when I felt strange if you weren't there. I don't feel connected to you anymore. I feel like I can't see what's going on with you anymore. I feel like you're taking me somewhere and I don't have a map, I don't know where we're going. In a way it was always like that but it was better before. I liked the not knowing, the thrill, but now I don't feel excited. I feel anxious and scared. It's like your life is going up and up to all these different places and mine...I feel lost. I don't feel like part of yours and it feels like I'm looking at mine.
I don't know when it started but it was before we moved. It's not your fault, I don't blame you, but when I think about how we're married I don't get the same kind of happiness as I did. I hated almost everything about California and felt like I was looking in. Like I was watching a movie of someone else's life, some other couple. I thought it'd be how it used to be when we moved back but it's got worse. I'm not as sad but I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like the Yale Daily News Editor anymore and not just because we graduated.
I think we got married too young. We're only in our twenties and we've been married for two years. You said to jump but this doesn't feel like a jump. It feels like we leaped into some cloudy abyss and I can't see the way out. I don't know if our marriage is what changed the way I loved you but I think we should have taken some time after college, lived a little longer. My first boyfriend got married really young, younger than us and I thought they were stupid, that it wasn't going to work out. I told myself it was different with us because we'd been to college, that we really loved each other and they didn't but now I'm having doubts. Maybe we aren't so different after all.
You cheated on me. It hurts that you did that Logan, it really, really hurts. I remember when we were at Yale and I found out from a bunch of bridesmaids how it happened and the humiliation I felt. I vowed never to feel that way again but when I called that number of Stu, or Lisa, I felt it all over again, only worse. I felt worse because you married me and you couldn't say anything about us taking time apart. You can't say it was because of Jess either, because you did it before you knew. Not that you have any excuse. I can't make love with you. It's not just because of that, though it doesn't make it easier. I don't want to anymore, I don't feel connected.
I'm not going to stop seeing Jess. Remember how I said lately it's been like looking at my life? When I'm with Jess it's like I'm there, and not just because he brings back memories of before I met you. He wants to talk to me, wants to know what I think. Sometimes it feels like you don't see me as anyone other than your wife. You think my problems aren't real, they're temporary, like when I said I was worried about what I was doing out of Yale. Why were you so okay with that, anyway? I don't blame you for my decision but you thought it was a joke. You threw me that party where we dressed as prisoners, remember? I loved you for it but I feel so ashamed now. I hate remembering that time.
Logan, I don't know how to end this letter. I don't know what to do. I saw my mom today. She looked at me in the worst way and said all theses things about how I've become like the women in books I used to read, the ones who had no life. It hurt to hear her say it but maybe she's right. She said our marriage is over. I don't want it to be but something's got to change. I can't keep on like this, waiting for you to come home and feeling scared to leave the apartment without knowing why. I have to figure my own life out and maybe I have to do it alone. You told me I was too fearful once, too sheltered, and I should take a risk. Maybe I need to make another jump without you there. I can't remember a time in the last five years that you weren't. It's funny, you've always been at my side but a lot of time it's like you don't hear me at all.
I love you,
Rory
Rory put the pen down, her hand shaking, She hadn't even known what she was going to write, surprised at her own words and jumped at the sound of a car outside. Hastily she folded the letter, stuffing it in her jacket pocket, and was watching television as Logan came in.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"I'm sorry I didn't call before," Rory said. "And snapped about dinner."
"It's alright," Logan said, putting his keys down. "Let's forget it, huh?"
He came over and kissed her cheek and asked,
"What did you do after the doctor's?"
"Nothing much," Rory said vaguely. "Drove around. Where have you been?"
"Got a call from work about a meeting. I went to that. They want us to go to Boston for a conference in a few weeks."
"Boston?"
"Yeah. You can come, it's for a week. Free hotel room."
"I can't say no to that..."
Logan grinned at her.
"How about some dinner, Ace? You hungry?"
"A little."
"Let's go out in Hartford," Logan said cheerfully. "Make an evening of it, what do you say?"
"I'll just get my purse."
Rory went into the bedroom, took out the letter and tore it into shreds. She ripped it so much that none was legible but the words were clear in her mind as she ate, laughed and drank with her husband long into the night.