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On Monday Rory had her doctor's appointment. Doctor Moran smiled as she came in and waited for her to sit before saying,
"How are you, Rory?"
"I'm fine," Rory told her. "I'm going to Boston in a couple of weeks."
"What for?"
"Logan's got a work conference and it's for a week so I'm going with him. My dad lives there so I'll probably see him, and Gigi, my half-sister."
"I didn't know you had a half-sister."
Rory shrugged.
"I don't see her a lot."
"Are you looking forward to seeing your father?"
"I guess."
It came out a lot more unenthusiastic than Rory had intended and the doctor seemed to notice.
"What's your relationship with your father like? Do you enjoy seeing him?"
"It could be better," Rory said honestly. "I don't mind seeing him but we're not exactly close."
"You said your mother raised you," Doctor Moran said. "Did you see your father as a child?"
"On holidays," Rory told her. "And sometimes he'd show up, just out of the blue – my mom would get a call from my grandmother to say he was in town and we'd go to Hartford to see him."
"He didn't go to you?"
"He didn't come to Stars Hollow until I was sixteen. He never saw where we lived before that."
"That must have been hurtful."
"I didn't mind as a kid," Rory admitted. "I loved seeing him so much, I was so happy whenever he was in town that I didn't think about how he'd never stay for longer than a day or how he never helped my mom. I didn't let myself think about it."
"How long did that last?"
"Until I was around seventeen,"
"Was your mother angry about it? How he wasn't there?"
"If she was she never said anything," Rory said. "And she had a kind of weakness for him – she'd be so happy to see him too that she'd forgive anything. The only time she'd be angry was when Dad would take me out and spoil me for the day – you know, give me as much icecream as I wanted and buy me toys he couldn't afford, and I'd come home sick and then I wouldn't want the toy anymore because he'd gone. I'd cry for a week."
"Was it mutual, him spending so little time with you?"
"It was his choice," Rory said coldly. "Mom always gave him as much access as he wanted but he didn't want to be a dad. He wanted to see me for a day, have fun and give me back. I know he loves me, but – I feel mad about it sometimes. I hated him for a while."
"Do you still hate him?"
"No," Rory said. "I feel sorry for him. He wanted things to be perfect between us, like a real family, but he never did anything about it. He wanted to marry my mom when she got pregnant and my grandparents always say he tried to do the right thing, but it wouldn't have worked out. He couldn't stand being a dad for more than a day, he could never keep promises."
"What kind of promises?"
"When I was seventeen, Mom and Dad got back together," Rory said, feeling a familiar stab at the memory. "Dad promised me he was going to stick around, make it work, and I believed him. He had an apartment, he had a job and a car instead of this motorcycle he'd had since he was sixteen, and he promised. I believed him, I was happy and then Mom told he'd gone. His girlfriend had gotten pregnant and he was going back to her."
The doctor nodded sympathetically and Rory added angrily,
"He couldn't even tell me himself, he made Mom do it, like he always did. He just left to be a dad to this other kid and it's not her fault but –"
Rory stopped, taking a breath and the doctor guessed,
"Is that your half-sister?"
"Yes. And then her mom ran out on her so Dad had to raise her and he called Mom and got her to help. I told him to leave Mom alone but he didn't listen. He never really cared about her."
Rory was surprised at how bitter she sounded and added,
"I mean, he was so selfish about her. He said he loved her but he didn't care about her being happy, not really. Mom was in a relationship with this really great guy and he screwed it up. He came to my grandparents' vow renewal and he messed things up between them. They made up but he still tried to ruin it. And he yelled at me for –"
Rory stopped, embarrassed and Doctor Moran asked,
"For what?"
"Logan was there," Rory said. "We weren't together, exactly, but we knew each other and I decided to do something impulsive. The ceremony was in this fancy club and I took him into a dressing room to...I didn't think anyone was going to walk in."
"Someone did?"
"Three someones," Rory said, her cheeks red at the memory. "My mom, Luke and my dad."
"Oh dear."
"Yes, oh dear. They went nuts. Well, Mom didn't, but Luke and Dad did. They screamed at Logan to get his hands off me and Mom had to tell them to leave."
"Sounds embarrassing."
"It was. I mean, Luke's known me since I was little," Rory elaborated. "He looked after me when I was sick, he'd make birthday cakes for me and he came to my pet's funeral."
"Your dog or cat?"
"Caterpillar," Rory said awkwardly. "But what I mean is, Luke's always been there and Dad...he decides when he wants to be a dad. I don't hate him, I don't want him out of my life but he never felt like a real dad. Whatever that means."
"Was Luke the boyfriend of your mother's?"
"Yes. They broke up because of stuff with him but I always thought Dad screwed it up. I've always blamed him a little."
"Did your mother feel the same way about him?"
"She has a weakness for him," Rory said again. "Or she did. She said she'd always love him because he was my dad and they were so close growing up, but she doesn't love him like she loves Luke. They got married once and I think it's the biggest mistake they ever made. I want them to be happy but they aren't happy together. They don't know each other."
"Loves Luke?"
"Excuse me?"
"You said your mother loves Luke, in the present tense," the doctor remarked. "Do you think she still does?"
"I –" Rory stopped, caught off-guard. "I guess. They didn't break up because they stopped loving each other. I wish...I wish they'd figure things out. I think they're scared to."
"And you don't think your mother and father could figure things out?"
"There's nothing to figure out," Rory said grimly. "They had me when they were sixteen years old and they barely saw each other for the same amount of time after that. Their marriage was barely a marriage."
Rory stopped at the last sentence, feeling sad, and the doctor asked,
"Did you go to see your mother, in the end?"
"Yes," Rory said shortly and Doctor Moran pressed,
"Are you glad you went?"
"I can't decide," Rory said truthfully. "I'm glad I talked to her but she said...she told me about when I was little and how I didn't want to get married, give up my dreams. She said I'd forgotten that."
"Do you think she's right?"
"I don't know," Rory said unhappily. "I never thought my life would turn out like this, I – it's easier when you're a kid. You think it's so simple. You never think about stuff going wrong."
"Did you say that to her?"
"No. I just said it was harder because I was married. She said it wasn't worth staying when there's nothing left."
Rory stopped and the doctor nodded. Rory thought and added wryly,
"I suppose she knows. It wouldn't have made anything better if she'd tried for longer with my dad."
"What does your father think of your marriage? Does he like Logan?"
"He loves him," Rory said with a sad smile. "After the wedding incident they became friends. Not on the day but a while later...I moved in with Logan and showed the apartment to my dad and Logan was there. They bonded instantly. I guess they're pretty similar."
"How so?"
"They were both rich kids who got in trouble at school a lot," Rory said. "Getting suspended for stupid pranks, putting off having to get jobs and stop partying. Stuff like that."
"I see."
The doctor wrote something down and Rory asked wryly,
"Is this the part where you tell me little girls marry their fathers?"
"That's a very old theory, Rory, and a very simplistic one."
"But there's some truth in it, right? Do you think Logan sounds like my dad?"
"You're very close to your mother. It's not surprising that you have similar taste in men."
"I guess," Rory said unhappily. "I just figured Logan had grown up."
"Did you write your letter to him?"
Rory nodded and the doctor asked,
"Did you let him read it?"
"No, I tore it up."
"Did you find it helpful?"
"Yes," Rory said thoughtfully. "I wrote all this stuff...things I didn't know I'd been thinking."
"What kind of things?"
"I think we got married too young," Rory told her. "I've felt unhappy for a while, I feel kind of lost. I think I need some time."
"A separation?"
"I don't know," Rory admitted. "Maybe. I'm just scared if..."
She stopped and the doctor looked at her inquisitively.
"I don't love Logan the way I used to," Rory said slowly. "I feel like I love him because I have to love him and I'm scared that if I leave, I'll never go back. I feel like all that's left will fall away, all the love I have left."
"Would it be better to stay with him, feeling so lost and unhappy?"
"I guess not," Rory said, her heart beating. "I know I need to talk to him. I'll do it after Boston."
"Think things through," the doctor agreed, getting up to shake her hand. "I'm afraid I'm going to be away for a couple of weeks so I won't see you before you go. I can arrange for you to see someone else?"
"I'd rather wait," Rory said honestly. "I prefer talking to you."
"Okay then," Doctor Moran smiled. "I hope you enjoy your trip, Rory."
"So do I," Rory said ruefully, shaking her hand in farewell. "Thanks."
The remaining weeks trickled away slowly and to her surprise Rory missed Doctor Moran. Lorelai called but they kept their conversations short and simple, neither bringing up their argument, her mother wishing them a safe trip. Logan booked a room in a luxurious five star hotel, paid for by his company, and he and Rory were driven there in a limo. They arrived in the evening and the following afternoon Rory met up with her father.
"Hey kid," Christopher said joyfully, hugging her to his chest. "It's been a while."
"Long enough," Rory agreed and, seeing her sister, she reached down to hug her too.
"Hey, Gigi," she said fondly. "How was school?"
"It stank," Gigi said frankly. "We had math and spelling."
Christopher took his daughters to a coffee shop off the main road. He ordered he and Rory cappuccinos and Gigi a hot chocolate which she drank messily, picking the marshmallows off the top and spilling on the table. Christopher ignored her and said,
"So how are things, Rory? How's your mom?"
"She's fine," Rory told him, automatically grabbing a napkin and mopping the liquid before it could pour onto her sister's lap. "Busy."
"She always is," Christopher chuckled. "Still running the...what was it? The Butterfly?"
"The Dragonfly, Dad," Rory said irritably. "And she's fine. She's great and the inn's doing great and you don't need to worry about her."
"Okay," Christopher said, raising his eyebrows at Rory's tone. "And how's Logan?"
"Logan's fine," Rory said, fighting the bad mood which threatening to engulf her. "He's busy at the conference."
"And married life is still good?"
"Full of surprises," Rory said stonily. Christopher looked at her oddly but didn't press the subject.
"Great kid, that Logan," he said cheerfully. "Only guy I met who could keep up with you and Lor. That's some talent!"
"Oh, yeah. A real talent."
"Any plans for while you're in Boston?"
"I don't know," Rory said. "Not really, I mean Logan's working. I guess I'll just walk around the city."
Christopher nodded and Rory asked,
"Don't you want to know how I am?"
"What?" Christopher asked, blinking. "I thought I asked that?"
"You asked about Mom and Logan but not me."
"I'm sorry, honey. How are you?"
"I'm...fine," Rory said helplessly. "I'm just...I'm fine."
Her father looked at her oddly but simply smiled and patted her hand.
"I'm glad."
Rory stared at him, wondering if she should tell him about the affair and the therapy when Gigi suddenly said,
"Look!"
They stopped and looked down at Gigi who had twisted the straw which had come with her drink into a bow.
"Look what I made," Gigi said proudly. "Rory, it's for you."
"Oh...thanks," Rory said weakly, taking it from her. Gigi said bossily,
"Put it in your purse so it doesn't blow away."
Rory did so, absently wondering why she was taking orders from a seven-year-old when a familiar voice said,
"I thought I'd find you guys here!"
Rory looked up to see Logan smiling at them, smart in his suit and a bag in his hand. He bent to kiss Rory who kissed him back and asked in confusion,
"I thought I was meeting you back at the hotel."
"You were," Logan said, pulling up a chair. "But I got a text from your father here saying I should join you guys for coffee if I had time."
"You did?"
"Snuck out a little early. Christopher, how are you?"
"Good," Christopher laughed, clapping him on the back. "How are things with the son-in-law?"
"Better now that I'm out of the office," Logan said, loosening his tie. "And I think I have a gift for someone here."
He reached into his bag and Gigi squeaked as he lifted out a Barbie doll.
"She has wings!"
"I thought you'd like it," Logan said, beaming. "Christopher, catch me up. Wreaked any havoc at the office lately?"
"I could ask you the same thing – takes one to know one, right?"
Logan laughed and he and her father started talking about long hours at work and how much easier it was to blow things off at college.
"Which you made it to," Christopher said, pointing. "I just wanted to kick back and do nothing."
"I did the same thing, I just have a major to go with it!"
They burst out laughing and Rory smiled as they started sharing stories about prep school. She knew her time with her father was over, that he'd hoped Logan to come from the moment they'd arrived, and she turned to Gigi who was trying to force the Barbie out of its box. Rory took it from her and got it out, handing it back. Gigi started swinging the doll around joyfully, shouting,
"She has wings! Daddy! Daddy, look!"
"Not in my ear, honey," Christopher winced, looking up for a moment, and Gigi pouted. She put the doll down but was soon throwing it up in the air and catching it happily, singing,
"She can fly!"
"Gigi –" Rory started to say but it was too late. Barbie landed headfirst into the half-full cup of chocolate and Gigi burst into noisy tears.
"She's ruined! Her wings are all ruined!"
Christopher and Logan stopped talking and Christopher took it out, shaking his head.
"Why didn't you listen to me?"
"She's ruined," Gigi wailed, tears pouring into her mouth. "She can't fly anymore!"
"It's okay," Rory said quickly. "You can wash her when you get home, she'll be fine."
Gigi howled, not listening and Christopher sighed.
"Daddy will buy you a new one, huh?" he asked placatingly. "Huh, Gigi? Two fairy Barbies?"
Gigi stopped crying and she looked up, her tears fading to a hiccup.
"Okay," she said quietly and Christopher laughed.
"Okay. Oh, crap that's the nanny," he said, looking at a text on his phone. "We were supposed to meet her five minutes ago. Come on, Gigi."
"Bye, Rory," Gigi sniffled, hugging her goodbye, the Barbie dangling from her hand.
"Bye," Rory said sadly. "Bye, Dad."
"See you kid," Christopher said, kissing the top of her head. "Send your love to your mom."
"Sure," Rory said quietly, watching him shake her husband's hand and walk away. "I'll tell her."
Logan coughed and smiled at Rory.
"I bought something for you too."
"What?" Rory asked, blinking, and he reached back into the bag, lifting out some skimpy black lace underwear.
"For tonight," he grinned and Rory stared.
"Logan –"
"Or not," Logan said cheerfully. "Whenever, right? I hope more than one night."
Rory smiled weakly and he gave her a kiss.
"Let's go get something to eat."
They dined at a fancy restaurant and got home late. Logan drank more than a fair share of wine and almost fell out of the cab, stumbling up the stairs. Rory helped him up and he fell down on their bed, looking up blearily.
"Put it on."
"What?"
"Your present, put it on."
"Logan, you're drunk," Rory said, her voice shaking slightly. "We're not having sex while you're drunk."
"I wanna. I wanna have sex with you."
"Logan!"
"You're so beautiful, Rory," Logan slurred, grabbing her wrists and pulling her onto him. "I love you so much."
"Logan, don't."
"You've always been beautiful," Logan said, gazing sideways at her. "Remember the day when we jumped? You looked so gorgeous in your dress, so innocent..."
"Logan, go to sleep."
"I know you weren't a virgin," Logan said. "But you were so innocent to me."
Rory stared at him. His voice was lucid and clear but a moment later his head fell back and he started snoring loudly. Rory sighed, got up, tugged off his shoes and pulled the blanket over him. She sat and watched him and finally lay beside him, facing away. It was a long time before she slept, her mind filled with uneasy dreams.
Rory spent the next day alone. Logan was working and she had the limo and driver. Rory asked him to take her to a place she had long loved and a short while later she was staring up at Harvard, as impressed as she had been so many years ago. She remembered the time she and her mother had gone, daring to go inside and explore the halls and Rory took a tentative step into the grounds. Students rushed and milled around her, looking impossibly young, and Rory walked to a coffee cart. It was in the same place as it had been before and as she sipped someone asked curiously,
"May I help you, ma'am?"
"Sorry?" Rory asked, blinking, and a groundsman asked,
"You look lost."
"No," Rory said, heart beating. "I'm waiting for a friend."
The groundsman nodded and left her alone and Rory walked away, wondering why she felt so shaken up. She supposed she stood out, in her black skirt and lace blouse and felt a little self-conscious amongst the students dressed in jeans. Rory stopped and stared at the library, as imposing as it had been almost ten years ago. Rory remembered how afraid she'd been about not being smart enough, not well-read enough and how her mother had laughed at her fears and dragged her away. They'd snuck into the dorms and Rory had unintentionally taken part in class, but she hadn't felt embarrassed or intimidated. She remembered feeling like she belonged.
Rory turned away from the library, suddenly unable to bear looking at it. She ran blindly away, brushing past students and ignoring their exclamations of surprise. She stumbled back to the limo, where the driver was waiting and said,
"I'd like to go back now, please."
"Of course, Mrs Huntzberger," the driver said. "Is everything okay?"
"I'm fine," Rory said, not correcting him on the name. She lifted a hand to her cheek and discovered she'd been crying. "I want to go back. I just want to go back."
"We'll be back in no time," said the driver cheerfully. Rory got in behind him and stared out of the window. I just want to go back she thought silently. Take me back.
She and Logan ate a hasty meal that night. There was going to be a work function at a grand bar, part of a club, and Logan was anxious to arrive early and make a good impression.
"Who knows what kind of connections I'll make?" he asked impatiently. "Hurry up Ace, there'll be a mob."
Logan's fears were allayed. He and Rory arrived early and were soon whisked away to one of the many rooms, each more decadent than the last. Logan and his colleagues drank brandy while Rory stirred her martini, trying not to breathe in the cigar smoke. She hoped it wouldn't stain her dress and backed against the wall, staring down at the expensive green. She wished she could have stayed at the hotel but Logan said it made a good impression for them to go together. Rory wasn't so sure she agreed; after smiling and greeting her, introduced as Rory Huntzberger, the manager instantly turned to Logan and didn't ask anything else. Rory was sure they wouldn't miss her but she had nowhere to go and so stood against the wall, listening idly and missing the book she would have once bought.
"Huntzberger, I've got news for you," the manager said loudly, sipping his brandy. "The California branch want you back."
"What?" Logan asked eagerly and Rory stared.
"They miss you, say they need you. It seems that the Connecticut division is well established now."
"They want me to come back after six months?"
"Now, my dear boy," the man said, puffing at his cigar. "There's a new project and they want your hands on it. Your business partner can manage without you while he hires someone new – what do you say, Logan?"
"I say yes!" Logan exclaimed, his eyes bright. "Ace, did you hear that? We're going back!"
"I heard," Rory whispered. It felt as though an icy hand was clutching at her heart, the chill spreading all through her chest. She clutched the glass in her hand tightly as the manager went on,
"Of course, it will take a few weeks to arrange the paperwork and such but what do you think, Logan? Back in San Francisco by the end of next month?"
"I can't believe it," Logan laughed, shaking his head. "Ace, can you believe it?"
"No," Rory said in a dull voice. "Excuse me, I need some water...excuse me."
They nodded, not listening and Rory stumbled out of the room and into the hall, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes. It felt as though she was going to faint and she opened her eyes to see her hands trembling. Her lungs felt tight but it was nothing to do with the smoke she'd just breathed. It was like some terrible nightmare. She'd barely imagined going back in six months but now, with no preparation? Back to that stifling apartment, away from everyone, waiting for Logan to get home every day? Away from her mother, away from Jess, three thousand miles away? Rory couldn't bear it and sucked in more breaths of air. Then she opened her eyes. She knew what she had to do. She put her glass on a table, checked out her coat and left a message with a waiter before walking outside. The cool air embraced her and Rory stepped out into the night.