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Later that morning Jess called Rory. She heard her cellphone in the bedroom and caught it just in time, breathlessly saying,

"Hello?"

"Hey," Jess replied. "You okay?"

"Yeah..."

"How'd it go with Lorelai?"

Rory made a face and sat on the bed.

"Could have been worse, I guess."

"Was she mad?"

"A little. I think she's just worried."

"Right."

There was a pause and Rory straightened the quilt for something to do.

"Luke yelled at me," Jess said. Rory's eyes widened.

"What? Why?"

"Said I should have known better," Jess said awkwardly. "Said I should have used my head instead of...well, you get the point. He said you'd just got out of a marriage and I should've given you space."

"You're kidding," Rory said, swung between feeling oddly touched and frustrated. "Did you say it wasn't his business?"

"That and we're adults."

"What did he say?"

"Didn't stop it being a dumb thing to do."

Rory was speechless.

"I can't believe Luke went off at you like that. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Just...more stuff like that," Jess said vaguely. "We agreed to drop it."

"Does that mean you're in a fight?"

"No, it just means Luke'll sulk for a few days and let it go."

Rory laughed a little but didn't say anything. She could picture Jess, phone in hand and his spare scratching the back of his head.

"Hey," he said. "What are you doing now?"

"Not much."

"Why don't you come by the diner?" Jess suggested. "I'm working this afternoon, helping Luke out, but I'll get a break. We could talk a little."

"Alright," Rory said, trying to keep her voice normal. "I'll come after lunch."

"Good," Jess said, sounding relieved. "Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Jess."

Rory hung up. She sat still on the bed before shaking herself and going into the kitchen. Lorelai was washing some dishes and, restraining herself from commenting on the unusualness of it, Rory said,

"Hey Mom, how about some lunch?"

"Now?" Lorelai asked in surprise. "It's a little early."

"I'm hungry," Rory said. "I could fix us a snack."

"I guess we could go to Luke's," Lorelai said, setting down the last of the dishes. "He'll fix us something."

"Mom, there'll be a crowd," Rory said quickly. "Let's just eat here."

"Not if we get there early," Lorelai contradicted. "And it saves washing the dishes, as you know I hate to do."

"So the mother I saw washing plates just now was what, an illusion?"

"Hey, I have to do it sometimes," Lorelai said, rolling her eyes. "I just don't like it being more than a weekly thing."

Rory nodded and sat down at the table. She started flicking through a magazine that had been left there and Lorelai asked curiously,

"How come you don't want to eat at Luke's?"

"No reason."

Rory deliberately kept her face to the pages, feeling like a teenager. She stared at an article about health drinks and the sense was certified as her mother said,

"Is this because a certain guy's going to be there? A guy whose name rhymes with Tess?"

"Mom!"

"And you think I'll yell at him or say something embarrassing!" Lorelai said triumphantly. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have cracked the Da Vinci Code!"

"Congratulations," Rory said sullenly. Lorelai sat beside her.

"Rory, I'm not going to walk in and yell at him."

"No, you'll just glare at him from the corner!"

"Rory, come on," Lorelai said, torn between being frustrated and amused. "You're not sixteen. Can't you handle me going to Luke's with you while there's a guy there?"

"It's not that," Rory said irritably. "I want to go alone. We said we'd talk, when I was there, and it's too early now. I don't want to talk with you and Luke discussing us downstairs."

"One, that is so not fair, and two, downstairs?" Lorelai asked incredulously. "Does that mean you'll be upstairs?"

"Mom, I'm a little old for a ten minute system."

"It was five minutes when I got involved!"

"Well, relax, we're just going to talk," Rory snapped. "Not that it's your business!"

"Rory!"

"Does this break the rule of not going over there?" Rory asked sarcastically. Lorelai sighed.

"Rory, I'm just trying to be reasonable. You're been through a lot and I don't know if it's the smartest decision to start sleeping with Jess. You're hurt and confused and –"

"I don't know my own mind?"

"I didn't say that!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Damnit, Rory, I'm just trying to give you perspective!"

Mother and daughter glared at each other and Lorelai got up.

"Fine. Do what you want. You're an adult, you don't need my opinion."

"I didn't ask for it!"

Lorelai looked hurt but simply turned and left the room. Rory hesitated, wanting to go after and apologise but she still felt mad. She paused, picked up her purse and went outside. She was sure Jess wouldn't mind if she was early.

The diner was, as Lorelai predicted, very empty. Jess looked up as Rory came in and said over his shoulder,

"Luke, I'm taking my break."

"Now?" Rory heard Luke call. "It's pretty early, Jess. I thought you were taking it after the lunch rush."

"I won't ask for another," Jess said, a trace of irritation entering his voice. "I'll be back before the rush."

"Okay," Luke said, coming out and stopping. "Oh. Hey, Rory."

"Hi, Luke."

Rory looked at him awkwardly, memory of that morning's meeting fresh in her mind. Luke coughed.

"So, I'm going to be down here, cleaning," he said, nodding. "If you need me, though I don't know why you'd – I'll be down here."

"Come on," Jess muttered and he led Rory upstairs, back to where they'd lie about looking at books so many years ago. It felt bizarre mounting the stairs again. Jess carefully shut the door behind them and Rory turned around in wonder.

"Wow. It hasn't changed at all."

"It's Luke," Jess said, amused. "He splurged on a double bed and I doubt he did that alone. He's not crazy about change."

"There's your bed!" Rory exclaimed, going over to it. "Right where it used to be!"

"Luke keeps it for April now," Jess said. "Though I'm pretty sure it'd still be there if she wasn't. He still had it for two years after I left."

Rory nodded, staring at it. She remembered countless afternoons on that bed, stolen moments when she and Jess were alone and could still feel the rough cotton of the sheets against her neck. She quickly moved back to the middle of the room where Jess was standing unsurely, drumming his fingers against the chair. Rory smiled and said,

"Been a long time since I was up here."

"Right," Jess agreed, quick to break the silence. He took his hand off the chair and hesitated.

"So..."

"Yeah."

They fell into an awkward silence. Rory looked at Jess, willing herself to say something, but all she managed was,

"This is weird."

Jess laughed and Rory relaxed, laughing a little herself.

"A bit," he said. "It feels strange being up here with you again."

"It does, doesn't it?"

"Déjà vu, huh?" Jess grinned. "I keep imaging Luke bursting through any moment to check on us."

"Poor Luke. He tried."

"Poor Luke?" Jess echoed. "What about us? He'd always ruin the moment."

"I think that was his idea."

"He didn't ruin it for long," Jess said, reaching out and cupping Rory's cheek. Rory smiled, took a step closer and for a moment they kissed but Rory pulled away.

"We shouldn't," she said apologetically. Jess nodded, looking a little ashamed and Rory looked away. She could taste the heat of his lips and said,

"We should talk."

"Yes," Jess said quickly. "Talk."

Rory took a breath, collecting her thoughts. She stepped back and said,

"Last night. We should talk about last night."

"What are you thinking?" Jess asked. Rory looked up.

"I'm thinking we weren't thinking," she said. "Or I wasn't, I don't know if you were."

"I can't say I was in a studious mood."

"It was probably a dumb thing to do," Rory said unhappily. "We shouldn't have...we were meant to talk."

"Yeah, I know," Jess said quietly. "But Rory..."

She glanced up and he said,

"It didn't feel dumb, not while we were doing it and not when you woke up next to me."

Rory looked at him, reaching his eyes which were full of expectation. She opened her mouth, trying to find the right words when the door suddenly swung open, making them jump. Luke was standing there with a harried expression and cloth in his hand.

"Jess, the diner's full," he said. "Sorry to interrupt, but –"

"Got it," Jess said abruptly. He brushed past his uncle, striding down the stairs and Luke and Rory looked at each other awkwardly.

"I should go," Rory said hastily. "Mom – I shouldn't stay too long."

She followed Jess, not waiting for an apology and hurried outside. The diner was swamped, the tables full and she gave Jess a quick wave through the window before going back home. Lorelai greeted her coolly but the two spoke little for the rest of the day and, that evening, Rory received a text from Jess to say he would be out of town until Tuesday. Rory spent Sunday alone, nervous and excited for the day ahead. She had Hartford and also the day of her new job. Rory wondered what the doctor would say yet it was not her appointment which kept her restless on Sunday night and tired during the drive the next morning.

Rory got in Hartford easily, to her relief. She knocked on the door and went in. Doctor Moran smiled to see her and Rory took a seat.

"Rory. How are you?"

"I'm okay," Rory said, smoothing down her skirt. "I'm fine."

"How's your week been?"

"Good," Rory told her. "I got a job at the local bookstore."

"That's great!" Doctor Moran said. "When do you start?"

"Right after this, actually. It's only inventory, it's not a career or anything, but it feels good to have a job again."

"Good for you."

Rory smiled self-consciously and blushed as the doctor asked,

"Has anything else happened this week? How's it been being back at home?""

"Um," Rory said. "Okay."

The doctor looked at her.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

"I went to Jess's apartment," Rory said slowly. "And he found the letter I wrote – I wrote him a letter when I was on vacation and hid it in a book he lent me – and I gave him the book back. I forgot the letter was in it."

The doctor stayed silent and Rory took a deep breath.

"He read it. He asked if I still had feelings for him. I said I did and we kissed and we wound up having sex."

She looked up shyly but the doctor simply asked,

"How do you feel about that?"

"Confused, I guess. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"But it did," the doctor said. "Why did you decide to sleep with Jess?"

Rory bit her lip at the bluntness of the question.

"I wanted to," she said eventually. "When I went over I didn't know it was going to happen. I knew Jess wanted to talk about something but I didn't know he'd read my letter and then when he was kissing me I didn't want him to stop. I wasn't thinking about what it meant."

The doctor was silent and Rory said defensively,

"It didn't feel wrong."

"I didn't say anything about that, Rory," the doctor said mildly. Rory blushed.

"My mom was angry," she said. "She found out – Jess's uncle came over and saw me there – and she said it was a stupid thing to do."

"Do you agree with her?"

"I don't know," Rory said honestly. "It probably wasn't the smartest decision but it didn't feel stupid. I don't regret it. Maybe I should, but I don't."

"How do you feel about it?"

"I feel guilty because I don't."

Doctor Moran looked at her curiously.

"Can you elaborate?"

"I should feel guilty," Rory said, letting out an anxious breath. "I should be regretting it because I've just left Logan. I was married two months ago."

"But you don't?"

"No. I didn't even think about it until Logan's sister called. She said Logan's been a mess and then I felt bad but not because I'd had sex with someone else. I felt bad because I wanted to and because I hadn't thought about him at all."

Doctor Moran put down her pen.

"You said you had trouble having sex with Logan," she said. "You felt disconnected and after his affair you couldn't sleep with him at all."

Rory nodded, a little embarrassed, and the doctor asked,

"Did you experience that when you had sex with Jess?"

"No," Rory said, heart beating. "I didn't feel that at all. It was the first time..."

Her voice trailed off and the doctor looked at her expectantly.

"It was the first time I'd wanted to have sex in months," Rory said. "Not that...I wanted to have sex with Logan but only because I wanted it to be how it used to be, and it wasn't. It never was."

The doctor scribbled something down and Rory kept the rest of her words silent, that she had had her first orgasm in months too. She didn't want to analyse why that was.

"Do you think you'll sleep with Jess again?"

"I shouldn't," Rory said hesitantly. "But I want to."

"Why shouldn't you?"

" It's too soon – that's what my mother said."

"Do you think it's too soon?"

"It's too soon to start a relationship," Rory said. "But it doesn't feel too soon to be with him. Does that make sense?"

"Does it make sense to you?"

Rory nodded and the doctor said,

"Then it doesn't matter as much if it makes sense to me or not. May I ask you something, Rory?"

"Sure," Rory said, confused, and the doctor asked,

"Why didn't you throw out the letter?"

"I never thought he'd read it."

"But keeping it allowed the chance. You kept it in his novel, for months."

"I guess...I wanted to keep the words," Rory said thoughtfully. "Even if no one read them."

"Are you sorry he did?"

"No," Rory said, after a pause. "I'm not."

"That sounds like something you should think about too, in all this," the doctor advised. "I think you should be open about this with Jess, if you see him again."

"I saw him on Saturday. It was awkward. His uncle interrupted us but it was awkward already."

"Perhaps talk somewhere more private," the doctor suggested and Rory flushed. "I think we'll leave it here, for this week."

Rory got up to shake her hand and the doctor smiled.

"Congratulations on your job, again. I'm very happy for you."

Rory was glad she had work afterward. She had no time to stop and dwell in Hartford, nor time to go home and argue with Lorelai and instead drove straight to Stars Hollow Books where Andrew gave her several books to log. Rory concentrated on that and was surprised when he tapped her shoulder four hours later to say the store was shutting and she'd done well for her first day. Rory picked up her things, ensured the box of books she wanted to read was still in the corner and headed home. Lorelai was already there, sorting through some menus and she and Rory looked at each other awkwardly.

"Hi."

"Hi."

There was a long pause. Rory put her hand on the table, running her hand across the wood, and Lorelai said nervously,

"One of us should talk before Christmas gets here."

Rory nodded and Lorelai sighed.

"Rory, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not – I'm not trying to tell you what to do."

"It sounded that way to me. You told me not to go over there anymore."

Lorelai nodded and said,

"I know. I just worry, kid. I don't want you jumping into something you'll regret. Some of the decisions I've made – it would've really helped if I'd had someone there telling me to take a step back."

"I'm not you."

"We are freakishly alike."

"Mom, this is different," Rory said, softening. "We're different."

"Okay, but I'm still concerned about this. Rory, you haven't been with Jess since you were eighteen. I thought those feelings were long gone, you married Logan. I thought it was all over between you and now you're sleeping with him? It seems sudden."

She paused for breath and looked at her daughter curiously.

"What is it?"

"It hasn't exactly been since then," Rory said slowly. "That Jess and I had something."

Lorelai sat up and stared.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember right before Lane got married?" Rory asked, suddenly uncomfortably hot. "And I went to Jess's open house?"

"In Philadelphia, right?" Lorelai asked suspiciously and Rory nodded. "What are you saying?"

"It was just after Logan cheated on me," Rory told her. "And I was so mad at him. I wanted to hurt him. Jess invited me to his open house and I went and –"

"You slept together?" Lorelai asked in disbelief and Rory shook her head.

"No," she said quickly. "We just kissed."

"Oh, Rory," Lorelai said sadly. Rory swallowed.

"I didn't go there planning on it...I just wanted to see him. We started kissing and I thought I could...I don't know, but I couldn't. I stopped and I left."

"You never told me," Lorelai said, staring at her. "I can't believe you never told me."

"I never told anyone, except for my therapist."

"Not even Logan?"

"You know I didn't."

Lorelai closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Say something," Rory said roughly. "Don't look at me like that."

"What do you want me to say?" Lorelai asked, opening her eyes. "This is a lot of information to take, Rory! You went to see Jess, you kissed Jess and you married Logan! You never told him!"

"I couldn't tell him! I loved him!"

"If you loved him, why did you kiss Jess?"

"I was hurt," Rory said. "I didn't want him to think there was something between us."

"But there was!"

"I never acted on it!" Rory said sharply. "I never went back there!"

"And you never told me!" Lorelai cried. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't!"

"Why not?"

"I didn't want you to tell me it was over with Logan," Rory said bravely. "And that I couldn't run from what had happened with Jess. That's what you'd have said, isn't it?"

"Yes," Lorelai said honestly and Rory nodded, feeling terribly tired suddenly. "But you still should have told me," she added. "I'd have listened as well as the rest."

Rory paused, looking at her mother.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually.

"I understand, kid. It's okay."

Rory nodded and Lorelai took her hand.

"But it doesn't mean you shouldn't take things slow," she said seriously. "Even if you've had feelings that long."

Rory nodded and stood up.

"I'm going to wash up," she said firmly. "I've got ink on my hands."

"Okay," Lorelai said, understanding the subject was closed. "I'll call Al's."

Rory turned and kissed her mother's cheek.

"I love you, Mom," she said gently. "I'm sorry."

"I love you too."

Rory smiled, went into the bathroom and turned the taps on full. She washed her hands over and over, hiding the question she wished to ask; that if telling Lorelai would have made her think twice about her relationship, if marriage would ever have been an option. Rory knew the answer and scrubbed her hands raw.