"Git gud." –Bronze V Summoner
Garen Crownguard was not one to question Mercedes that much.
Mercedes was widely considered to be a thoughtful man. Though seemingly unwise at times, he always backed his claims with very reasonable evidence and support. He had a strong presence amongst the many of the champions, and it was hard to actually hate him due to how he adjusted his personality to match whoever he talked to.
So when Mercedes brought the lumbering Master of Metal in front of a completely unarmed Garen Crownguard, who wore an equally underwhelming white t-shirt and jeans, the Might of Demacia was surprised at the amount of questions that surfaced within his head.
Me? Work with Mordekaiser? He thought in both fearful confusion. Is this some sort of challenge? Did the Institute of War finally snap and decided to get rid of my existence from the very world I belong to? Why is this happening? Why Mordekaiser, anyway?
"Yes," Mercedes repeated for the fifth time, his tone becoming both impatient and bored as the Crownguard's jaw remained open. "Yes, I just told you to check up on the Champions' Break with Mordekaiser."
"…But he is Mordekaiser."
The Iron Revenant huffed and nodded, crossing his arms. Now that Mercedes was actively trying to get Mordekaiser to do the checkup with Garen, the Shadow Isles officer felt the sudden urge to decline the mission the middle-aged summoner wanted to give him.
"That's right," the iron warlord agreed. "I'm Mordekaiser. I don't deserve this kind of freaking job- let alone with a champion I don't even know much about."
The three stood inside the Demacian general's dormitory: life-sized sword models decorated the walls of his living room, dozens of trophies littered his shelves, and several pictures stuffed into frames were placed here and there within the room. Some of the pictures featured him and his sister, while others featured his comrades-in-arms and friends. It seemed like a fitting dormitory for a swordholic like the Crownguard.
"I decided," the auburn-haired summoner stated, "to make Mordekaiser less lazy."
"What did you just say?"
"I said that I wanted to make Garen Crownguard less lazy."
"…Oh. My bad."
The brown-haired Demacian was amazed at how easily Mercedes dodged a life-threatening situation. Then again, being a high summoner probably required such skills if they did not want to have a short lifespan.
If he wanted to live longer… then it would probably be a wise choice if he, too, softened the atmosphere between him and the lord of undead.
"Ah… Ah ha ha ha!" The Crownguard laughed as naturally as he could, though it only sounded natural to Mordekaiser's ears. "I-I guess I could use some company, anyway. It'd be pretty lonely to do an entire examination all by myself, especially in this day and age. Don't you think so too? H-Ha ha ha!"
Mordekaiser blankly stared at the Demacian who continued to laugh awkwardly.
What the f#$% is wrong with this person? Mordekaiser asked no one in particular as Mercedes thanked his luck for avoiding another moment where the iron man could have punched him in the face for no real reason.
The Building Checkup
What was the Building Checkup, anyway?
The Building Checkup usually occurred within at least every two months. The Building Checkup tasks certain champions that are either assigned to the role as minor punishment or out of simple volunteering opportunities. No one actually wants to do it aside from Garen Crownguard and several unmentioned champions that volunteered once in a blue moon.
The Building Checkup analyzed all public sections of the Champions' Break. From large hallways to the smallest of vases and flowers, the Checkup made sure the Champions' Break was in good condition. Suggestions were able to be made based on opinions, broken properties were to be reported, and an overall analysis over how the champions treated the Champions' Break's public sectors was to be written.
"Vases- check. Benches- check. Flowers- …needs more flowers."
The lord of undead followed the Might of Demacia with a supremely bored expression. The first floor's main halls gave Mordekaiser a clarifying experience; the Building Checkup would probably be boring from the start to the end. While the fact that they did not need to check the personal dorms was somewhat comforting, the fact that the hallways were always seemingly empty disappointed him. He loved inflicting pain, so the fact that there were no punching bags around him impacted the way he had fun quite a bit.
"The ground- fairly clean. Fountains- need a bit of renovations."
Garen glanced at the Maven's dormitory before quickly getting back to his work. The iron warlord noticed but paid little attention due to how bored out of his mind he felt.
The boredom ended too quickly.
"G-areeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen! Big bro~!"
At that moment, everything changed.
Mordekaiser and Garen felt a dreadful aura strike straight through their hearts. As the Might of Demacia prepared a defensive stance, the Iron Revenant summoned a spikeless mace out of sheer instinct.
Threat 1
Ｌｕｘａｎｎａ Ｃｒｏｗｎｇｕａｒｄ
Status: Bro-con Extremist
Threat Level: Epic
As soon as Lux jumped into the air, Mordekaiser swung his mace at the Lady of Luminosity. The girl refused to fall, however. With a freakishly bright grin, the blonde did a front flip, placing her hands on the ground as she leapt over the attack.
What?! Mordekaiser's eyes glowed menacingly as the girl started running towards her brother. You won't dodge this next move, you inferior Demacian scum!
Lux launched herself towards Garen's way as her eyes sparkled. The brown-haired Crownguard froze in fear as he watched Lux's smile grow wider and wider at every millisecond as she yelled,
"Give me a big hug!"
Fortunately for the Might of Demacia, the lord of undead was willing to cooperate for once- solely to gain the chance to attack someone.
The Iron Revenant growled,
"NO."
Swinging his mace two times in the air, the Shadow Isles officer proceeded to throw his mace, sending it flying as it spun in a horizontal direction. The spikeless mace seemingly followed a small arc as it flew towards the Lady of Luminosity. Garen barely managed to duck as the mace slammed against Lux.
The blonde girl somersaulted straight towards the exit of the Champions' Break shelter as she made some sort of weird cat noise.
"First blood."
"Mordekaiser, you just slammed a mace against my little sister."
"That's no different than summoning a giant sword out of nowhere to obliterate your sister."
"…You have a point."
With the Lady of Luminosity (temporarily) eliminated, Mordekaiser and Garen finished examining the first floor. Since the highest floor was not included in the examination, there were only several more floors to go. The last few floors would be fairly easy due to the lack of champions in the higher floors. Entering the second floor through the elevator, the two prepared to examine it.
Another threat decided to make the examination much harder than it was supposed to be.
"Crownguard!"
Mordekaiser's eyes widened as he summoned the spikeless mace he had used earlier on Lux.
What is up with these psychotically obsessive women in the League of Legends?
Threat 2
Ｋａｔａｒｉｎａ ｄｕ Ｃｏｕｔｅａｕ
Status: Obnoxious Garen Stalker
Threat Level: Free Pentakills
Right before Katarina was able to leap towards Garen, the lord of undead swung his mace directly at her face. The Sinister Blade smirked and ducked under the weapon, letting the weapon dangerously pass above her. Kicking her feet off the ground, the redhead spun towards Mordekaiser and landed her feet on his chest armor, propelling herself off of him to get to Garen as quickly as possible.
With a knife pointed at his neck at a dangerously close distance, Garen stiffened as the red-haired Noxian asked,
"Miss me?"
"…Definitely not," the Might of Demacia answered honestly.
"Well, time to change that-"
"NO."
The instant moment Katarina sensed a presence of danger behind her, it was too late for her to react. The Iron Revenant activated a magic siphon as a mace sprouted out of the ground slightly in front of her, knocking her away from Garen. Twirling his spikeless mace, the Shadow Isles general performed a spin attack and smashed Katarina towards an open window.
"I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack…!" Katarina screamed as she fell into a nearby swimming pool.
As Garen took a deep breath, Mordekaiser learned something interesting about his task.
It was hard.
The instant moment they entered the third floor, Mordekaiser felt many presences in the lobby.
That alone was not a good sign as a whole.
"…You go first," Garen said.
"No, you go first. I'll use you as bait to lure out any f#$%ers that want to ruin my day."
"I don't like the sound of that... but it looks like I have no choice."
"Oh, you do have another choice. A choice that'll make me hit your head."
After confirming that he had no choice, the Might of Demacia sighed as he marched on ahead. The lord of undead chuckled.
With the brown-haired warrior turning a corner to check the public restrooms- which had probably aged without a single champion using them- the Iron Revenant let his mace vanish as he crossed his metallic arms.
He felt it. The end to the stupid mission he obliviously accepted was nigh. Just a little more and he would be back in his dormitory, playing the many games he had yet to try. The lord of undead was quite the completionist, and that led him to chewing through games until he got a 100% on it. If it was bad, he would quit as soon as possible without discovering any secrets, but he still did kind of beat every game he played so far.
Except for fighting games. Or arcade games in general. Those were kind of impossible to beat. Perhaps that was why he played a small number of games over and over again. He only played them when he did not feel like playing games that had definite ends to them.
"I'll probably beat that old Toy Story game one day," the lord of undead grumbled, "which is obnoxiously unfair yet addicting."
As he let himself swim in his own thoughts, the Iron Revenant felt something metallic push against his back.
"…Hm?"
Mordekaiser turned his head.
Threat 3
Ｋａｙｌｅ
Status: A Threat?
Threat Level: Who Knows
…It's the angel.
Mordekaiser quite agreed with her Threat Level. Who knew how dangerous she could be when she looked like she was high on something? The woman who donned golden armor had spread her arms and wrapped them around the Iron Revenant's waist.
The Master of Metal grew confused.
Why is she spreading her arms and wrapping them around my waist? Is it some kind of visual form of challenging me into a wrestling match? No, but she's using too little power to seem like that. It must be some kind of thing, but I don't know what kind of message she's trying to send with this pathetic display of pacifism.
The lord of undead slowly lifted a hand and pressed it against Kayle's face. He then tried to push her off of him.
But she refused.
"…What?"
Disturbed, the Master of Metal pushed Kayle's face harder, but she still refused to let go. All of a sudden, the lord of undead realized that her grip was not light; it was just that his armor was too thick to let him realize that she had a vice-like grip on him.
What the f-
"Get off!" Mordekaiser demanded as he grabbed the back of Kayle's collar armor as he pulled with great strength. But again, she refused. He pulled and pulled to no avail. Now realizing how dangerous the situation had become, the Master of Metal began spinning around as he repeatedly commanded her to get off of him. He rolled on the ground, punched her legs, and even went as far as to crash into a wall.
But Kayle was strong. She refused to let go. With a sleepy expression, she continued to hold on.
"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! ACTUALLY, WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!"
Now, the lord of undead had fought against enemies that clung onto him back when he focused solely on being a Shadow Isles general. He fought parasites that chewed out the land, went to the far lands and fought giant leeches and worm-like creatures, and even dealt with poisoned air that stuck to his armor for days.
But this one was different. The sheer will of the golden knight blew all of those things out of the water.
"MORDEKAISERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
The Might of Demacia's voice somehow sparked hope within the lord of undead. Mordekaiser turned to Garen.
Only to find a boatload of problems following a frightened Demacian.
Threat 4
Ｓｙｎｄｒａ
Status: Batsh$% Insane
Threat Level: COLLECTED ALL SEVEN DRAGONBALLS
Threat 5
Ｎａｍｉ
Status: Mistakes Were Made
Threat Level: ABOUT TO GO ALL "LITTLE MERMAID"
Threat 6
Ｉｒｅｌｉａ
Status: Nerfed
Threat Level: JUST BECAME THE LAST AIRBENDER (rip yasuo 2016 - 2016)
"HELP ME MORDEKAISERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
With Kayle still sticking to him, the lord of undead summoned his spikeless mace and charged towards the three woman attempting to assault Garen all at once. They had some sort of pink aura seeping out of them.
…And now that he thought about it, Kayle had a bit of pink aura seeping out of her as well. The Judicator functioned as some sort of "second cape" as she held onto the iron warlord's back.
"He's MINE!" Syndra screamed as she shot out orbs of dark energy at the iron man. Smacking them aside, the Iron Revenant twirled his mace as he swung it vertically at the Dark Sovereign. The white-haired magician swiftly hovered to her right and flew towards the Might of Demacia.
Mordekaiser barely caught her collar. Swinging her up into the air, the Iron Revenant threw her against the ground. Syndra made some sort of noise that a soft drink can would make when it blew up before going unconscious with a dazed smile.
"The f$%&'s up with these idiots?!" Mordekaiser screamed at Garen, who finally gained enough time to take out an emergency battle baton.
"It's the Aphrodite Potion!" The Might of Demacia explained. "I heard that Singed stopped working on it, but apparently it was used accidentally for some sort of drink he was inventing!"
"It's always Singed, isn't it…?" The Iron Revenant seethed as he turned to Nami.
The Tidecaller zipped past him.
Though the lord of undead made his own effort to leap towards her in an attempt to grab her, the waters the mermaid created beneath her made her almost impossible to catch. As Mordekaiser landed on the ground with an outstretched hand, Nami, with a staff in one of her hands, opened her arms as she screamed,
"Gimme a hug, Gareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!"
Garen denied his fate.
Twirling his battle baton expertly, the Might of Demacia apologized silently and swung the weapon at Nami. The mermaid suddenly grabbed the staff with both of her hands and blocked the attack. Startled at the combination of her extreme speed and her lustful gaze set straight into his eyes, the brown-haired Demacian general launched a series of speedy swings and jabs; without his armor, he was more nimble than people made him out to be.
Much to his surprise, the Tidecaller kept up with him. After deflecting every single attack without tearing her gaze off of him, Nami finally found a chance to pounce at the Crownguard. Garen toppled over as he found himself within a hauntingly powerful bear hug.
"Curses!" He muttered through clenched teeth as he struggled in the mermaid's grasp.
"Oh, Garen! I knew you were the perfect man when I saw you!" Nami said with glee. "We will live a perfect life together! Let's get our marriage contract A.S.A.P.! Alright, sweetie? Hehehe!"
As the Might of Demacia continued to squirm in an attempt to escape the crazed mermaid's grasp, Mordekaiser got up and swung his mace at Irelia with one hand. The Ionian Will of the Blades flipped sideways, barely dodging the lord of undead's attack as she proceeded to slide underneath the Iron Revenant's legs. Standing up with a running start, Irelia leapt towards Garen as well, much to Mordekaiser's disbelief.
He remembered Mercedes once talking about how women were somehow more unstoppable than men when they gained the determination to fulfill a goal.
Right as the Iron Revenant turned to tear the women off of Garen, a large knife sank itself into the ground before him. Mordekaiser froze and looked up to the elevator of the current floor he was on.
An incredibly angry red-haired Noxian had returned.
"GET OFF OF HIM!" Katarina roared as she threw a flurry of knives out of the elevator she just took. The lord of undead dodged several of the knives by simply tilting his body twice, and both Irelia and Nami swiftly moved away from the Might of Demacia. One, two, three- five knives sank into the ground right next to Garen's head and feet.
Nami puffed her cheeks as she retorted, "You won't get away this!" Twirling her staff, she summoned the power of tides, causing an influx of water to rush into the room out of nowhere. Mordekaiser screamed like a girl as a huge wave crashed into him, while Garen's body was literally thrown into the air. Irelia had no problem with keeping up with the tides that suddenly filled up a good portion of the third floor hallway. The Ionian telekinetically manipulated her blades to create a makeshift surfboard, moving across the fierce tides to head towards Garen's direction.
"I'm coming for you, Garen!" The Will of the Blades called out in worry and affection as she and Nami raced towards the Crownguard that attempted to swim away from them.
"Stay away!" He cried. "Don't get any closer! No!"
Katarina was not done, however.
As her figure shot out of the water straight up, her eyes glowed a deathly orange as she spun around furiously. The sheer force of her spinning created a small hurricane around her as she threw out dozens of knives from wherever the heck she hid all of them. She seemed to move higher and higher as more and more water formed the hurricane she unintentionally generated.
The entire thing did let Garen learn something interesting, though. The ceiling of the third floor was so freaking far from the ground.
The Iron Revenant decided not to remain shoved inside the water. Changing the weight of his armor, the Shadow Isles officer emerged from the depths of the river that suddenly formed in the hallway. He unknowingly let Kayle breathe, having picked himself up from the ground.
His eyes widened when he saw Luxanna Crownguard making her grand return, glowing a menacingly bright light as she swam towards one of the walls of the hallway.
He had a feeling he knew what she was about to do.
Kicking herself off of the wall, the Lady of Luminosity leapt to the air as she let her staff spin in front of her, forming a circle of light. Her eyes wide in madness, Lux screamed,
"GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!"
A bright light lit the entire hallway as everyone was blinded by a Final Spark. Garen let himself float with his back facing the water as he watched his sister ignite the entire room with her magic.
A single thought entered his mind as Irelia and Nami simultaneously reached out for him.
Kill me.
And thus, a massive blast of light seemingly ended the world.
It turned out that the world did not end.
Irelia was dumped in what used to be a functioning water fountain. Nami had crashed into a wall, her head shoved into a newly formed hole shaped like her face. Katarina lay sprawled over with approximately one-hundred seventy-two knives stacked around her, and Lux lay still with her face sticking to the ground.
The elevator opened again as Brand, the Spirit of Vengeance, began walking out. As he looked up, however, his body instinctively turned back to the elevator, pressed a button, and went back down to the first floor lobby.
Mordekaiser simply sat on the ground, Kayle still on his back.
If there was one good thing about having a Judicator on his back, it was that Kayle could shield him with her powers if she sensed danger.
The bad thing about having a Judicator on his back… was the fact that a Judicator was on his back.
"…Get off."
As if her energy had depleted as soon as he commanded her, the angelic warrior slumped before slowly resting on her back. She proceeded to fall asleep right as she stopped moving.
The lord of undead certainly admitted that he experienced something insane that day.
"At least it's over," he growled. He saw Garen picking himself up far away in the hallway. The Might of Demacia looked up and gave the Iron Revenant a thumbs-up. Mordekaiser, too, gave him a thumbs-up.
They had somehow survived.
Or, so they thought.
Suddenly, they heard loud metallic noises heading towards them. As the two survivors turned, their expressions turned from relieved smiles to that of absolute horror.
Final Threat
Ｕｒｇｏｔ
Status: Poisoned by the Eros Potion
Threat Level: BRAZIL VS. GERMANY
"C'MERE AND GIMME SOME HUGS," the Headman's Pride screamed as his legs picked up speed while approaching Mordekaiser and Garen. As the eldritch horror composed of four legs and an arm cannon ran at a terrifying speed, the Iron Revenant and the Might of Demacia realized they were unprepared for the worst possible threat that could have ever appeared in the examination.
That day, screams echoed throughout the Champions' Break as another tragedy was added to the list of chaotic events that occurred there. Ahri, who was sitting in the cafeteria, dropped the cake she ate on a table as she pouted.
"Phooey. That was my last slice…"
Finally finished with the job, Mordekaiser dragged his own body to his dormitory. He had somehow lived, battered beyond comprehension both mentally and physically. Not only did he learn that Garen's life was a painful one to live, but he also learned that there were plenty of things he had yet to understand. Love was one of them, but so were women and their freakish antics.
Today was crappier than I expected, the Iron Revenant thought.
As the lord of undead approached his dorm, he noticed something sitting in front of the door. He took a closer look at it as he got closer to the object.
…A present box?
The Master of Metal picked the large box before reading out the label that came with the ribbon.
To: (Lord) Mordekaiser
I hope this will cheer you up! ^^
-Sona Buvelle-
The Shadow Isles officer raised an eyebrow as he opened the box. Much to his surprise, he found burritos.
Fresh burritos.
"AWESOME. This is just what I needed! HA HA HA! That woman doesn't disappoint!"
And thus, his day was brightened by four burritos given to him by the Maven of Strings. Unbeknownst to him, the dormitory entrance had been left open for quite a while. The door was not locked since the beginning of the Building Checkup.
Hiding behind the door was Sona Buvelle, who did not bring her life-filled etwahl with her. As the tired lord of undead closed the door only half-way, the Maven of Strings found herself smiling at his response to her gift.
A bit of heat invaded her cheeks as she felt satisfaction in getting out a positive reaction from him.
Author's Notes
Next chapter: "Doctor Mordekaiser!"
Btw the drugs/reviews worked.
-NK-