Remy's Diabolical Plan

Chapter Seventeen: The Diabolical Chapter That Should Have Come First

~X~

There was a lot of things that Kurt Wagner didn't know. He couldn't understand how everyone else could resist eating pancakes as much as he ate pancakes. He didn't know how skateboarders managed to not break their necks when they were doing tricks with their skateboards. He didn't know why the girls of the house had bought fifteen different bottles of shampoo when one should be enough. He really couldn't say what he hated worse: dust getting caught in his fur or doing dishes. And he really, really, really didn't know what Kitty saw in that thing that was her date.

The man gave him the willies. There was something in his eyes that made Kurt want to swing a baseball bat at his face. Yes. There was something definitely wrong with him. It was because of his 'suspicions' that Kurt had agreed to this.

It was earlier in the evening when it had all started. The great music of the ocean had been in the air as Kurt rocked pleasantly in a rocking chair, enjoying the view of the sunset in front of him. A few feet away Remy was leaning against the porch railing and reading some dirty book with a smirk on his face. Inside the house behind him Kurt tried to ignore the sound of Kitty's voice drifting out through the screen door. The girls were getting ready for their date. Or to be more precise, Kitty was getting ready for her date and trying to make Rogue get ready too. It sounded something like...

"Rogue, you should like, totally wear that uber sexy purple dress!" There was a long silence.

"Kitty, what the hell are you talkin' about?" Rogue snapped. Kurt stifled a laugh. "I don't own a purple dress."

"I knew you would like, say that, soooo-" there was a sound of rustling bags before Kitty exclaimed, "-I got this for you at like, a really awesome price!"

Silence. Kurt almost went inside just to see the undoubtedly hilarious look on his sister's face. Remy didn't bother to glance up from his book but somehow the fuzzy dude knew that he was listening to the girls just like he was.

Finally-"I ain't wearin that."

Kitty whined loudly. "But Rogue! I bought it for you cause like, purple is totally your color!"

"No, Kitty. It'll probably look good on me and I ain't gonna give him any more excuses to happy. He's happy enough as it is."

"Fine." she huffed. "Meany."

Whatever Rogue might have said after this was lost on Kurt when he saw a car driving up into the driveway. Then all he could hear was the furious grinding of his own teeth and the voice in his head screaming, 'Baseball bat! Baseball bat! Baseball bat!' Both dates climbed out at the same time, Rogue's grinning from ear to ear. The boy pretty much skipped up the walkway, wearing a football jersey and carrying a fistful of daises in one hand. Kurt felt a twinge of sympathy for him. Poor kid had no idea that Rogue was allergic to daises and hated football more than anyone had ever dared to hate anything.

With determination Kurt refused to look in the other boy's direction. Instead he looked to Remy. Who...was nodding in approval at Rogue's date with a decidedly evil look on his face. Kurt stared as Rogue's date skipped up the stairs and stopped to talk to Remy.

"Wow, it's such a beautiful day! So refreshing and I'm really excited for my date!" He sent an appreciative smile in Remy's direction. "Thanks for all the pointers, Mr. LeBeau, I hope Rogue likes everything I've done for her." Then he skipped off into the house, whistling a happy tune. After a few seconds they heard: "Oh my GOSH, Rogue, you look GORGEOUS!" And then Rogue's stunned silence as she first caught sight of him.

Pointedly ignoring the other creepy boy walking by him, Kurt turned his gaze on Remy, who had gone back to his book with an overly satisfied look on his face.

"So." Kurt spoke in a low tone, so the four inside the house couldn't hear him. "You gave him a few pointers. From what I saw just now, those pointers seemed a little...off."

The man didn't look up from his book. He didn't even bother to respond. Instead, one corner of his mouth lifted.

"Kurt."

Kurt turned at the sound of his name as Scott walked out of the front door, Jean in tow.

"Yeah?"

"Jean and I are heading out. We're following up on that-" he sent a glance through the screen door before lowering his voice to a whisper, "-clue."

"Clue? What clue?" He appeared confused, just to annoy Scott. Of course he knew what clue he was talking about following up. The man had become so excited over the whole thing he hadn't shut up about it.

"Kurt." Scott sent him a disapproving look. "You didn't listen to anything I told you earlier?"

"Yes, Scott," the blue boy rolled his eyes. "I heard it all, I'm just playing around."

"Kurt," Scott sighed exasperatedly before launching into the whole tale again, ignoring Kurt's attempts to make him stop. "The night that Remy and Rogue were on duty, fourteen unidentified persons attempted to vandalize Professor X's friend's lobster traps. When they first arrived, the perps had been carrying a rowboat, but then threw it down and left it when approached by our fellow X-men." A look of deep irritation settled on Scott's face. "And since Remy and Rogue both neglected to mention this in their mission reports-" he looked at the Cajun (Who now was trying to look innocent) and frowned, "-we didn't know about it until last night when our client happened across it."

"Scott, please, I wasn't serious!" Kurt moaned. "I already know this!"

"None of their possessions were left behind on the boat, but we do know where they bought it since only four stores in this area sell that type of rowboat. So Jean and I are going out tonight to investigate."

Although Kurt really didn't want to hear any more about it, he couldn't help asking, "How are you going to investigate that?"

"We're going to the stores and ask if they've seen anyone suspicions buying rowboats."

Kurt stared. A long silence stretched between the four of them out on the porch, punctuated only by Kitty's flirtatious laugh.

Once Jean, Scott, Rogue, Kitty, Rogue's absurdly happy date, and Kitty's creepy-ass date had left, Remy snapped the book in his hands closed and slid it into his back pocket. He casually walked into the house, grabbed the keys to the X-van, and came back out, waving a hand over his shoulder at the younger man in the rocking chair.

"I'll be back," he said as he walked down the porch stairs. "Don't go waitin up."

There was a bamf and Kurt appeared in front of him, halting his steps. "Where are you going?"

"No where." He said in a perfectly normal paced voice so that it couldn't in any way be taken as suspicions. But Kurt knew better.

"Then why did you say that so fast?"

"Uh-"

"Just..." Kurt scratched the back of his head and looked away from him, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "Take me with you? I know you're going to spy on them and I'm...hungry."

"Hey now," Remy responded, an insulted edge in his voice. "Remy ain't goin to spy on nobody. He's hungry, is all."

"Yeah." Kurt blushed lightly. "Me too."

The two males locked eyes, a silent agreement and understanding racing between them in those few short moments. Finally Remy gave a short nod of his head and together they walked to the car and got in, driving a little faster than normal to catch up with the girls.

And that was how Kurt had ended up on the opposite side of this restaurant, sitting at a table that was facing Kitty's and Rogue's and outright spying on them. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't as it seemed, that he and Remy were hungry and they coincidentally ended up coming to the same restaurant that the girls had come to with their dates. Inwardly he cursed himself for his own delusions. If they were caught, Kitty and Rogue both would know better than to believe that lie. They knew good and well that Kurt wouldn't have come somewhere to eat that didn't serve pancakes. At least not willingly.

Casting a look across the booth at Remy, he observed as the man hid his face behind his menu and managed, somehow, to keep a steady eye on the table across the restaurant. While they were driving, Kurt had asked why he was trying to destroy Rogue's date. This had prompted the Cajun to launch into all the reasons that he hated the happy kid Rogue was with now, and that everyone else in the house hated him. After laying out all the facts for him—that Jack was simply too nice for someone like Rogue, that she would either crush his spirit or kill him, that he would never fit in with Rogue's everyday life, ect.—Remy had said that Rogue was his friend, and as her friend he cared for her well being and that he would do everything he could to look out for her. So convincing was he in his speech that Kurt was almost tempted to believe him, and probably would have if not for the fact that they were weaving crazily in and out of traffic to catch up with their car.

There was a few moments here and there when Kurt would start to wonder about what Remy might feel for Rogue, but then he would think of Kitty over there with that thing and he found that he didn't really care what Remy or Rogue did.

Over and over again the fuzzy dude had told himself to forget about her. Not that he could even begin to understand the inner-workings of her mind, but Kurt was pretty sure that Kitty had moved on. It wasn't like there was even anything to move on from, as all they had ever done was share some really dirty make-out sessions in random closets on and off months ago. But then kissing turned into talking and laughing and a sharing of memories and secrets and then...

It happened. It had happened nearly seven months ago.

"Hey fellas, sorry about the wait, we're a little jammed tonight." A harassed looking waitress arrived, successfully pulling Kurt out of his thoughts. "Can I get you anything?"

Remy didn't even notice her, so concentrated was he on the table across the restaurant. He couldn't hear what was being said but that wasn't the point. The point...was that Rogue's face was slowly turning a darker and darker purple. She didn't look to be enjoying herself at all. Remy almost felt a twinge of guilt. Almost. But taking advantage of the lack of that kid's brains had been too easy...

Remy tampered down the urge to grin as a plan formed quickly in his mind. "Well, 'fore you go, there are a few things about Rogue that you should know."

The boy's eyes round and hopeful, he leaned forward. "Really, Mister...?"

"LeBeau."

"Really Mister LeBeau? You would help me win Rogue's heart?"

"Course'," he replied firmly. "I'll try."

"Right," Jack dug a hand into his back pocket and whipped out a miniature Hello Kitty notebook and pencil. "Please, tell me everything there is to know about Rogue."

After flicking his eyes over the Hello Kitty notebook, Remy decided not to ask. "First off, Rogue loves football. I ain't ever seen a femme love it like she does."

"I have a football jersey at home, will that work?"

Both corners of Remy's mouth lifted. "That would be excellent."

The other male scribbled furiously as Remy listed things off. "Her favorite flowers are daisies, favorite music is banjo blue-grass, she likes for the man to take charge and do EVERYTHING for her, like ordering her food."

"What are her parents like?"

Remy frowned. He might be evil but he wasn't that evil. He just wanted to annoy Rogue to death, not dredge up any painful memories. Best not to let his chére get hurt. "Non, don't talk about her parents." he warned.

The kid kept writing, muttering to himself. "-talk about parents, got it! Anything else?"

"Oh yeah."

They had gone on like that for a long while, Remy naming every little thing that he had ever known Rogue to hate. His goal was for her to go out with this other guy, see how ill suited that he was for her, and then for her to come back home and talk to him, Remy, and realize how much better for her that he was. All he had to do was make sure that she never found out about any of this crap and come after him with a sword.

Not deterred in the least by this last thought, Remy smirked to himself when he noticed that Rogue wasn't even bothering to be nice anymore, just openly glaring.

"Sir, is there anything you would like?" The waitress inquired.

"I'll take the curly fries." Was the answer that should have seemed normal, but when he said it without bothering to take his eyes off of the other table and in an intense-like voice that should have been reserved for a time when he wasn't ordering curly fries, it only served to make him look...weird.

The waitress gave him an odd look before walking off.

Kurt sighed. "Remy, dude, unclench. What is up with you, anyway?"

"Hide!"

Without waiting for an explanation, Kurt jerked his menu up over his face. His eyes roved over a picture of a burger and fries and suddenly he realized that he was hungry. "Hey, you're paying for mine, right?"

Remy kicked his shin.

"Ow! Hey, what are you-" he lowered his menu a fraction of an inch and his gaze caught on a woman passing their table. This woman had chin-length black hair with red highlights, wore a really baggy scarlet colored shirt, black pants, a choker necklace, and an angry expression. It had been a little while since he had seen her but Kurt recognized her immediately. Wanda Maximoff.

Without so much as a glance in their direction, she passed by them and sat in the booth next to theirs, directly behind Kurt's back. He didn't mean to listen. But it just sort of happened.

"Alright you idiot," was Wanda's way of greeting, "why am I here?"

"Wanda, love," spoke a familiar Australian accent. Kurt and Remy both lowered their menus to stare at each other. Johnny the Pyro. "Ya don't know how much I've missed ya'. Can I get a hug?"

"Cut the crap," Wanda growled, "you said you had something important to tell me."

"I do, sheila, I do. I've got some real important information. An' how 'bout this..." The two males at the other table could almost hear him grinning. "For every bit o' info, I get a kiss."

"What! You-what-why!" Wanda spluttered. "Why are you so stupid! How many times do I have to tell you? Stop flirting with me! It's over! I don't-"

"Now, now, love, don't go spitting the dummy. I just wanted one little-"

"What does that even mean? And why are your hands under the table? If you touch me I'll-"

"Yeah?" Remy and Kurt noted that the Australian sounded very eager for some reason.

"Are you trying to start a fire?" Wanda hissed angrily. "What is wrong with you? Never-mind, don't answer that."

"I'm sorry sheila, sometimes I don't notice when I'm doing it."

"Bullshit. Look, I don't care what you catch on fire-"

"An' that's why I love ya'."

"-but don't do it while I'm around, at least not in a public place like this. I've already got two strikes against me, if I get convicted again I'll be sent away for a long time."

"Kay' then, let's go and set fire to the docks."

There was a low groan from Wanda. "If you don't actually have anything important to tell me, I'm leaving."

"No, stay-"

Without a goodbye, Wanda slid from the booth and stalked out of the restaurant, not noticing Remy or Kurt scrambling to hide behind the menus again. There was a long moment where Pyro sat muttering to himself before he too stood and walked off.

The menus in front of them slowly lowered again as they thought over what they had just heard. It was Pyro and The Scarlet Witch. Normally, this might not be such a big deal that they had run into them in a restaurant, but when they were here, in this little town so far away from home, they had to wonder. Was it just those two here, or was the whole Brotherhood here too? Did they have anything to do with the whole lobster trap fiasco? Probably. The chance that they were in this town for innocent reasons was simply too unlikely. If it wasn't lobster traps they were breaking, then they were definitely up to something else.

Scott was going to be so excited when they told him.

"So you're paying for mine, right?" Kurt asked casually, deciding against mentioning anything that they had just heard from the other table.

Remy rolled his eyes before turning them back on the table that Rogue was seated at. "Fine, but stay under ten...where did Rogue and Kitty go?"

"Did they leave?" Hopeful, Kurt turned in his seat to observe the table, his heart deflating when he saw Kitty's purse still on the back of her chair. "I guess not. They probably just went to the restroom."

"Where are my curly fries?" Remy asked in a dangerous voice laced with warning.

Kurt stared at him. "Dude, I doubt that waitress is coming back over here after the way you ordered. You were all-" Kurt hunched over and glared, adjusting his voice into a Cajun accent, "I'll take the curly fries."

Wondering why this uncanny impression of himself bothered him so much, Remy tried to ignore him. "Remy didn't say it like that."

Kurt didn't move, continuing on in the same voice. "Remy'll take the curly fries."

Remy scowled. "Stop it."

"And Remy'll take the straight fries, and the baked fries, and the sweet potato fries."

"If you don't stop Remy ain't gonna pay for your dinner."

Kurt blew a raspberry at him.

It was three minutes before Kitty came back to the table. Two minutes later the waitress came back with a plate of curly fries and took Kurt's order. Then there was five whole minutes of Remy raking his eyes over the whole restaurant, looking for wherever Rogue had gone while he ate his curly fries in a passive aggressive manner. It was one more minute before she exited the bathroom, her hair sticking in every direction.

Then there was forty seconds of watching Rogue look like she was about to beat her date over the head with her menu, and Remy inching his plate away from Kurt's hand that was moving closer and closer to it.

That's when Pyro made his appearance.

~X~

And now Remy was ready to kill him.

"Remy-" Kurt made a wild attempt to latch onto the back of his legs when he jumped out of the booth. Unfortunately, he missed and was now on the floor with everyone nearby looking at him as the Cajun stalked off.

As if it wasn't bad enough that he had been forced to witness as someone had tongued his sister (Ew!), but the person doing it just had to be Pyro. At first Kurt had his misgivings about Remy wanting her. But Pyro was going too far. THAT, he didn't approve of. Though he knew that if it really came down to it, he could huff and puff about it all he wanted, but probably wouldn't be able to muster up the courage to say anything to her about it. She was liable to push him off a cliff, (as he had known her to do) or bring some other kind of horrifying pain on him that he'd rather not think about.

But all of this begged the question. Where had this whole Pyro thing come from? When he had made his speech to Rogue—the speech that had captivated the whole restaurant, (including himself; he was embarrassed to admit), he had made it sound like he and Rogue had had a thing on the side for a good amount of time. What was that he had said about a night down by the lake? Kurt shuddered. Too. Many. Images.

The last thing that he wanted to do right now was to stop Remy from committing a homicide. What he needed to do was sit and spy on Kitty to make sure that creep kept his hands off her. But since Remy was his friend, they were X-men on a mission to better the world and protect mankind, blah, blah, blah, he felt it necessary that he go after him.

Sighing, Kurt got to his feet and ran after Remy, dived underneath a tray laden with food carried by a waiter, sidestepped a woman carrying her baby, and then jumped over the drink someone had spilled on the floor. Somehow he ended up in front of Remy again, painting slightly and holding his hands up in a placating gesture.

Kurt inwardly winced when Remy glared down at him. The normally laid-back man looked about ready to kill.

"Listen," he said calmly, "I don't really know what's going on here with you and my sister right now, but I get the feeling that maybe you don't want her...and everyone else to not know about any of this." Besides blinking a few times, Remy gave no outwardly sign that he was listening. Kurt took that as a good thing and continued. "And if you go out there and blow Pyro's head off, I think Rogue might want to know why."

An angry puff of air was pushed through Remy's nostrils before he turned around and stomped back to the table. Sighing in relief, Kurt followed.

To Be Continued...