"The suffering of others is the most amusing thing there is." –King Dedede

Mordekaiser sat on a dead horse.

Now, to prevent further confusion as to how he killed a horse as soon as the chapter kicked off with such a questionable situation, it was noteworthy to keep in mind that he did not kill it. No one wanted to directly kill a horse.

Gravity did.

It had somehow invaded his dormitory and died almost as soon as it did. He never knew how or why, but it infiltrated his dorm without a sound. The horse had the guts to fall into his room and die without any hesitation. Before anything else, the Iron Revenant thought,

I wonder if I could sit on it?

It wasn't a pleasant feeling. As soon as he realized that sitting on a dead horse rewarded absolutely nothing satisfying, he realized he had to get rid of the large corpse. And he needed to do it fast; after all, dead horses usually brought flies, and he absolutely despised flies. So the lord of undead picked the thing up by himself and went to the Champions' Break's first floor.

Walking into a furnace room, the Iron Revenant dumped the horse into the furnace and marched straight back to the elevator he took. When he returned to his dormitory, he found a letter plastered on his dormitory door. He raised an eyebrow as he stomped forward and snatched the letter.

Mordekaiser,

Meet me at the Champions' Infirmary.

-Mercedes-

"Mercedes, what's up with this discouraging letter?"

The Iron Revenant sat in the doctor's office in the Champions' Infirmary; it was a place where champions were able to make doctor's appointments peacefully. Mordekaiser sat on Doctor Shen's chair. Normally, the Eye of Twilight should have been bickering on how he needed to save people endlessly.

Mercedes, who sat on the chair in front of the doctor's table, simply told him, "Shen's dead."

"…"

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"…Just kidding. He's alive and kicking."

"Stop giving me false hope for everything I want."

"Anyway, Shen is actually treating injured people from a riot that occurred in Piltover not too long ago. Akali and Kennen-"

"…Cannon?"

"No, Kennen. Not Cannon. The masked midget?"

The lord of undead growled darkly, "I hate midgets."

"…Anyway, being the generous man I am-"

"Also known as 'loser.'"

"-I decided to appoint you as a temporary chief doctor here. Good luck."

"Okay- WAIT, WHAT?! DO I LOOK LIKE A DOCTOR TO YOU?!"

Mercedes closed his eyes as the Iron Revenant roared, "I'm not a doctor, and I never will be! I exist to bring suffering, not bless people with new limbs! What makes you think you can order me around so much in the first place, huh?!"

"If you hold out for one day, I will supply you with an infinite amount of burritos."

"Consider it done, summoner."

After giving the lord of undead a haphazardly designed summarization on how to be a doctor, Mercedes left the office. He had a lot of work to do, so unlike many of the days he spent with the Shadow Isles officer, he did not have time to deal with the iron warlord's antics.

So the Iron Revenant proceeded to get used to the tools within the available surgery room right next to his temporary office.

"So I'll just cut people up with some scissors and knives," the Master of Metal said to himself as he went around the surgery room with the list Mercedes had handed him. "Maybe I'll use a syringe or two. Actually, I'll probably end up using one syringe because I'm feeling lazy."

As he went through his surroundings, the warrior of the Shadow Isles wondered if he was going to do decently. Right then, someone knocked on the office door.

"…One second," Mordekaiser said out loud as he left the surgery room and shut the door. Smacking off a rock that had the title "Dr. Shen" carved into it, the iron man quickly made an iron cube and scratched out his own name on it before putting it where the rock once stood.

The armored warlord sat down as he crossed his arms as he boomed,

"Come in!"

The door opened, and Mordekaiser found a familiar face standing behind it. He blinked.

"Ah, if it isn't the Maven of Strings. You had ten-out-of-ten burrito-making skills, if I remember correctly."

The Demacian maiden smiled cheekily as she bowed lightly.

"…Wait."

Sona froze as she tilted her head slightly in confusion. The Iron Revenant put up a thoughtful look.

He did not mind whatever business she had with the hospital. But if she had some free time, the Shadow Isles officer knew that he could certainly use a helping hand with something he barely knew about.

It then came upon him.

Her etwahl.

The soothing melody.

His unfounded PhD in tearing things apart.

They all matched so fluidly!

An unseen smirk formed behind his helmet as he turned to the Maven of Strings.

"Do you know how to heal people?"

Taken aback by the Master of Metal's sudden question, the blue-haired woman nodded timidly.

"Great. Woman, you're hired."

If all companies hired people like Mordekaiser did, everyone in the world would have had high income jobs.

The small lobby outside of the office was like any other hospital; it had a couple seats, a reception desk, and a water cooler. Amumu, the Sad Mummy, sat on one of the available seats, his eyes filled with tears due to a wound he received earlier.

Sure, brushing against Tristana's explosives was pretty dangerous in its own right, but did he really need to get a burn out of that? He sniffled. Life and its physics were rightfully easy to hate.

There was something different about the hospital. Instead of the somewhat arrogant Kennen occupying the reception desk, a beautiful maiden took his place, playing her string instrument productively as the mummy waited for his appointment. A peaceful aura seeped out of her and warmed his very soul.

There was also the absolutely dreadful aura coming from the doctor's office.

Before anything else, the Sad Mummy realized that Shen was not around. The good doctor never made such terrifying vibes within the office, even if he was a different story on the Summoner's Rift.

Something terrible lay behind the door.

And Amumu did not want to meet it.

Looking around the hospital a bit more, the mummy quickly realized that Akali was not present. The female ninja always clung to the Eye of Twilight, so her absence in the hospital only confirmed Amumu's fears. Wondering if he could just deal with the wound by himself, the mummy fidgeted on his seat.

Finally, the Maven of Strings tapped on the reception desk and gently motioned for Amumu to enter the doctor's office. She remained seated, much to the Sad Mummy's ever-increasing anxiety. Getting off the seat he had glued himself to, the once-human boy trembled as he carefully opened the door.

At first, nothing seemed wrong. The lights did not look ominous as they would look in typical horror movies, and the place actually seemed pretty clean. Amumu took a few steps into the office.

But everything changed when the man sitting on a spinning chair spun to face the child.

Revealing two powerhouse cutting tools in his hands, Mordekaiser asked with a delightful tone,

"Why, hello there! Doctor Mordekaiser, at your service. Would you like to be treated with a hacksaw or a drill…?"

Amumu had no idea how, but the Iron Revenant somehow activated both of the respective tools he had without pressing anything. Mordekaiser's eyes glowed a vicious red as he giddily added in,

"Or maybe both?"

A terrified scream echoed out of the building.

It took Sona a slew of minutes to calm the mummy down before she was able to treat his wounds herself. After receiving a quick treatment from the Maven of Strings, the mummy staggered out of the hospital. He had a feeling that the image of Mordekaiser in a surgeon outfit would remain seared within the depths of his mind forever.

"So your string-thing heals people?" Mordekaiser asked inside his office. Sona, who sat on a stool, nodded silently.

"Huh. That's convenient and all, but I should've known earlier…"

The lord of undead fell into deep thought as he planned out his and Sona's roles for the day. Not everyone went to the hospital solely for surgeries, and the Maven of Strings seemed like the perfect candidate in filling up every other category aside from surgeries.

It was the perfect plan he had been looking for.

"Alright then. Let's make it this way. Woman, you will treat all small injuries like burns and scratches and all of that stuff that makes people whine. I'll do the big-shot stuff like surgeries. There probably won't be a slew of patients coming into this hospital, anyway."

Though the lord of undead's presumption of little to no patients showing up seemed somewhat reasonable, the Maven of Strings felt iffy on leaving him alone. After all, he did just scare out a child, even if his intention was to help through somewhat intimidating means.

Perhaps she could help him…?

Right before Sona was able to finalize her thoughts, someone knocked on the door.

"I'll get it," the Iron Revenant mumbled, motioning for Sona to remain seated. The Demacian maiden nodded politely.

Marching over to the door, the Master of Metal swung the thing open as he took a good look at the person behind it.

An unfamiliar face lifted a hand and waved in a carefree manner.

"Yo!"

Mordekaiser slammed the door shut. The person behind the door slammed it back open.

"…What's the big deal, Tin Tin?" The visitor asked.

Almost scoffing at the newcomer, the Iron Revenant rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms, taking a step back as he growled, "I don't think you should greet someone you've never met like that. Especially if that someone isn't afraid to bash people into the ground."

The pink-haired woman before him wore some sort of armored bodysuit with a Piltover-ish design. Her well-balanced fitness and cocky expression molded her image quite well to many champions. For Mordekaiser, he had the least amount of trouble remembering her name aside from the Shadow Isles champions because of how it was literally imprinted on her left cheek.

"So, uh," the Piltover Enforcer said with a grin. "I'm guessing you're the only 'metal' guy around here, huh?"

"Indeed I am, punk. What business do you have with me? I'm about to get pretty busy with my shift here, if you haven't noticed Shen's absence already."

Retreating back to his desk, the Iron Revenant sat on the spinning chair as he gave the Enforcer the laziest evil eye he had ever made in his life. Fittingly enough, the tough brawler did not even notice that he was giving her an unhappy look.

"Aw, come on! No one just kicks Vi out like that, you know!"

"Oh, what a surprise," the iron warlord muttered. He stopped himself from going on a rant as he took a deep breath instead. Normally, he would not mind going nuts in arguing with others, but the Maven of Strings' presence held him back without him even realizing it.

"What do you want, Enforcer?" Mordekaiser asked.

"Well, on behalf of Piltover, freaky-ninja-guy, and a well-known high summoner," Vi said as she took out a cup of coffee out of nowhere, "I was sent here to help you while Jackie Shen is taking care of people that went cray-cray in a riot. I dunno who caused it, but it's pretty big, apparently. Jayce is busy, Caitlyn's busy… Heck, the entirety of Piltover's 'big crew' is occupied with the incident.

"But I wasn't sent because of Mercedes. He's such a buddy, y'know? So here I am, ready to help with whatever kind of insane plan you have."

The Iron Revenant smashed a palm against his helmet as he asked the Piltover Enforcer, "You? Help? Me? Mercedes must've finally snapped."

"Well, he gave me coffee, so he's cool."

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Totally. Ugh, whatever, I need all the help I could get anyway. Sona here is going to deal with all the small injuries, and I'll be dealing with the surgeries. You could pick whatever you want, I don't give a crap."

Putting up a thoughtful look, Vi took a brief moment to decide on what she wanted to do before blurting out, "I'll go with chopping stuff up."

The lord of undead nodded. "Then it's settled!"

Bolting up from his seat, the Iron Revenant suddenly slammed the spinning chair against the table as he marched over to the center of the office. "We're going to destroy this temporary job of mine, and there will be satisfaction from our customers. Let us make an oath and believe in the almighty beings of Brazil. If something bad happens, it's solely our fault! Got it?!"

Sona blinked as she nodded silently yet again. Vi let out a brief fit of laughter as she pointed at the Iron Revenant and turned to the Maven of Strings.

"This guy sounds just as insane as he looks!"

"SHUT UP, YOU JET-SET WANNA-BE!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

Almost several minutes after their encounter, Vi and Mordekaiser bashed their heads against each other as they started calling each other names. Sona remained idle as she simply watched the two throw their unique insults to their argument.

They seem to be getting along…

"IRON TURD!"

"POOP FACE!"

"D-DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST SAY POOP FACE?! OH MY G- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?!"

Yep. They were definitely getting along. Sona could only watch with admiration and, for some reason, a bit of concern.

After Sona treated several patients, Kayle burst into the hospital with an injured Jax. The Grandmaster at Arms barely breathed, and it seemed that simply healing him with magic did not do the trick. Vi brought Jax into the surgery room, placing him on an obnoxiously wide table.

"The f#$% happened to this guy?" Mordekaiser asked as he put on a hygiene mask… over his helmet.

"Got 'bit by a monster at a river while he was fishing,'" Vi parroted Kayle's explanation bit-by-bit. "A surgery should do the trick, apparently."

"Well, isn't that convenient?" The Iron Revenant growled as he covered his gauntlets with blue nitrile gloves. As the Piltover Enforcer put on her own hygiene mask, the lord of undead put the Grandmaster at Arms to sleep with a syringe.

He then "cut him open," granting them access to Jax's internal organs.

"Ew, that's naaaaaasty," Vi remarked with a tinge of disgust. "Why does it look so complicated?"

"I dunno, but it looks simpler than your face."

If Mordekaiser was not performing a surgery on Jax, the pink-haired brawler would have punched him across the room.

"Alright," the Master of Metal said as he reached out for another medical tool. "His heart is the main problem here, so we're going to do a transplant. Get me 'Heart 208.'"

"Gotcha, gotcha."

Vi quickly ran towards a set of drawers as the iron warlord began removing the heart from Jax's body. Shen would probably find a way to do some mumbo jumbo and return the original heart back to Jax somehow, so for now, they needed to stuff in a temporary one. As Vi returned, he took the heart from her hand before he-

The lord of undead found a heart that seemed more fitting for the likes of Cho'gath.

"…I SAID HEART 'TWO-HUNDRED-EIGHT,' NOT SOME RANDOM-A#% HEART!"

"Oh shoot. Be right back!"

Snatching the weirdly-shaped heart from the Shadow Isles officer's grip, the pink-haired Enforcer returned with the correct heart. Mordekaiser proceeded to stuff the heart into Jax's chest.

"Good thing I didn't wear my power gauntlets," Vi joked as the iron man carefully positioned the heart. "Otherwise we'd be worrying more than just a weird heart."

"…"

Time ticked on. The lord of undead remained intent with the complicated work he was doing. It was not sufficient work to let Jax last more than three days, but it would be long enough for Shen to return and redo the transplant.

With scalpel in hand, the Iron Revenant proceeded to-

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mordekaiser shoved a scalpel deep into the new heart.

…

…

…

Adrenaline slowly kicked in as the warlord turned to Vi, who turned to him with an equally confused and horrified look.

"…What was that just now?" She asked, though her fear seemed to be directed more at the bleeding heart in front of them.

"I don't know, but thanks to whatever that was outside, we're so screwed now."

Mordekaiser panicked. He had been doing so well until some freaking explosion resonated outside of the hospital. He was about to lose Jax! In that case, he needed to take emergency measures.

"Vi! Grab some rejuvenation beads and some red potions!"

"…Uhh, what're we going to do with-"

"HURRY UP!"

As soon as Vi brought some rejuvenation beads and a couple of red potions, the lord of undead tore them out of her grasp. He stuffed in a bunch of rejuvenation beads right next to the heart and poured the red potions all over it. Tossing aside the bottles, the Iron Revenant stitched the Grandmaster at Arms back together.

"That's not going to hold for long, right?" Vi asked grimly.

The lord of undead turned to her and genuinely asked,

"Do you think that's going to even hold?"

Garen eventually met Jax at the Champions' Break; he had been waiting for him. Sitting in the first floor lobby, the Demacian asked, "How did the surgery go?"

"Dunno. I actually feel a little better."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Doc' told me that I shouldn't move too mu-"

Jax suddenly collapsed and let out a bone-crunching sound as he walked towards Garen. The Might of Demacia screamed,

"Jax?! JAX?! DEMACIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

No one expected Draven's heart to look like Draven.

Draven, the Glorious Executioner, was a particularly interesting champion. He praised himself too much, belittled others too much, and made a meme out of himself too much. One simple way to describe him was "too much," but even that was not sufficient enough to describe how flamboyantly talkative he was.

Everyone made jokes that his heart was probably shaped like himself. But when Vi and Mordekaiser found out that it certainly did look like Draven, they found themselves unable to leave a single comment on it.

"Let's… Let's just get started with this," Vi muttered as she shook her head in an attempt to keep herself sane.

The two stared at the hairdo the heart had. Something about the heart's open smile creeped them out to the very core.

Perhaps Draven was not human. Maybe "Draven" was just the name of a species.

"Anyway," Mordekaiser stated after staring for just a bit longer, "bring me 'Heart Draven.'"

It was hard to miss it. As soon as Vi went over to the cabinets, she returned with a heart. Something about the heart alarmed her, however.

"This heart looks nothing like Draven."

The Iron Revenant stared hard at the heart she brought to him. It certainly did look like a normal heart.

"…Then we'll have to make that not the case, shouldn't we?"

Marching over back to his office, the iron warlord disposed his gloves as he dialed a number only he and several others knew of.

"Hey," he growled. "I need help. Right. Now."

A few minutes later after Mordekaiser used the telephone, Thresh barged into the surgery room in a doctor's outfit. He twirled his scythe with a grin as he stopped in front of the Iron Revenant and the Piltover Enforcer.

"I'm the one with a degree here," the Chain Warden cackled as he moved forward again. "Move aside, kids."

As he walked up to Draven, he stopped twirling his scythe and analyzed the situation. A regular heart needed to look like a heart that looked like Draven? That was easier than the Kindergarten levels of Math for him. Putting on nitrile gloves, the Chain Warden picked up a scalpel.

He picked up the normal-looking heart.

A series of slashes and stabs ensued as Thresh suddenly began swinging the scalpel at the heart as if he were painting modern art. No blood sprayed into the air as each cut and stab was made. Vi and Mordekaiser watched in awe as Thresh did his magic.

Soon, the Shadow Isles prison warden lifted the heart he crafted. Much to the other doctors'(?) surprise, the new heart looked exactly like Draven.

"Wait, HOW THE HECK DID HE-"

"Good work, Thresh," the Iron Revenant snickered. "By the way, what was your degree, anyway?"

"Botany."

"Why the f#$% are you a prison warden, then?"

The Chain Warden laughed as he added in, "It's a joke, Mordekaiser! You must keep in mind that a secondary fuel of mind comes from laughter."

"Didn't you say it was 'suffering' the other day, though?"

"Crap."

Vi eyed Thresh suspiciously as Mordekaiser proceeded to shove the Draven heart into the where his old heart used to rest at. As soon as he did so, however, blood spurted out of the new Draven heart's eyes, mouth, and ears.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DAMMIT, THRESH! YOU MADE THE HEART TOO REALISTIC!"

"AW, SH#%."

The Piltover Enforcer sighed out of frustration. Of course there was something wrong with the seemingly perfect technique of carving out a Draven heart. Without a bit of hesitation, she went over to the drawers and returned with some rejuvenation beads and red potions.

"Thresh! Vi! Shove the rejuvenation beads in!" Mordekaiser roared as he opened the red potion bottles expertly. As soon as they followed his orders, the Iron Revenant poured the red potions over the Draven heart.

But then the heart let out a sigh of satisfaction.

"Ahh~."

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Screaming in unison, Mordekaiser, Thresh, and Vi proceeded to finish the job as quickly as possible.

Darius, the Hand of Noxus, sat in the second floor lobby of the Champions' Break. His peaceful coffee break ended as soon as he heard the familiar voice of his brother echo across the hallway.

"Bro! I've been looking for ya!"

"Ya? Ya," Darius mumbled.

"So anyways, I visited the-"

Draven suddenly collapsed on the floor, letting out a bone-crunching sound as soon as he landed. His brother simply sipped his coffee, not bothering to look at Draven as he simply replied,

"Sounds nice."

Thus, after Thresh left, Mordekaiser and Vi continued to perform surgeries. They yelled at each other constantly, bickering about what they should have done instead of what they actually ended up doing. Garen mourned for the unconscious Jax and Master Yi, and Lulu cried over a Tristana that spazzed out more than usual after visiting the doctor. Only Cho'gath seemed to be okay after taking a surgery, though the monster could not help but take note of three obnoxiously glowing spots on his chest.

Exhausted, the Iron Revenant returned to Shen's office as he sat on the office chair.

"That… was absolute hell."

Vi nodded as she caught her breath, commenting, "That wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be."

"No, it was not fun at all."

The Enforcer grinned as she added in, "Well, it wasn't completely boring, right?"

Mumbling a series of disagreements, the Iron Revenant remained still for a bit. But then he found himself chuckling without even knowing it. He hated to admit it, but Vi's presence not only helped his job, but also made the job a bit more bearable. And the mixture of her adequate confidence and lack of fear to him surprised him.

She was a decent partner. Decent. That alone was quite an accomplishment for a mere Piltover punk to achieve.

"Heh," he let out naturally as Vi snickered.

A few minutes later, the door to the doctor's office burst open. Mordekaiser and Vi turned to find Shen carrying all of the patients they had just operated on.

By himself.

"Hot dang, Shen!" Vi blurted out as she got up to take Jax and Draven from him. "Why're you all alone?"

"Situation's… mostly settled," the Eye of Twilight panted as he kicked the door to the surgery room open. "Heard that… you guys… were having trouble. Came back… to finish the job."

"…Well, we did kind of f#$% up," Mordekaiser admitted. "You sure you can do this by yourself?"

The Eye of Twilight nodded as he put down all of the patients on separate beds. He then went back to the lord of undead.

"So you two took my place during my absence?" The ninja asked. The Iron Revenant nodded ever-so-slightly. Somewhat surprised to see that Mordekaiser had filled in his role as a doctor with his own eyes, the Eye of Twilight told the Iron Revenant and the Piltover Enforcer through his exhausted condition,

"Thank you."

Mordekaiser grunted as he looked away from Shen. Seeing that he needed to treat the patients as quickly as possible, Shen rushed back into the surgery room and shut the door on his way.

Her eyebrows raised in amusement, she whistled as she said,

"Well, well! We got a compliment from Shenny Shen-Shen."

The Enforcer stretched her arms as she headed over to leave the doctor's office. On her way, she turned to the Shadow Isles officer and raised a softly clenched fist. A wide smile replaced her smaller one as she told him,

"Good work, bub!"

Mordekaiser remained silent as he got up from the office chair. Before he left, however, he wordlessly raised a fist, letting Vi bump her fist against his.

With his job done, he left the hospital.

Author's Notes:

Next chapter – "Hi-Jinx!"

This one's a completely new one. I'm looking forward to it.

-NK-