Thanks for the feedback!
On Monday Rory drove into Hartford. She made her way to Doctor Moran's office feeling, as she always did, a little shy as she greeted her and took her seat. It was warm in the office and Doctor Moran offered Rory some water. She declined.
"We'll get started then," Doctor Moran said. "How's your week been?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Tell me about it."
"I was mainly working," Rory said honestly. "It's good to have a job again."
The doctor smiled at her and Rory smiled too, feeling like a grade-schooler, moreso as her doctor asked,
"How about beside work? Has anything happened in your personal life?"
"My friend Paris came to town," Rory said. "Have I told you about her?"
"The name sounds familiar. Did you say you roomed together at college?"
"We went to high school together, too," Rory affirmed. "Paris was the one who told me I should go see you."
"You sound very close," the doctor said and then frowned as Rory furrowed her brow. "No?"
"We have a weird friendship," Rory explained. "When we first met we hated each other – Paris always has to be the best and she saw me as competition. She made my first few months at Chilton hell."
"How did you become friends?"
"I guess when her parents were getting divorced," Rory said, thinking back. "She was really unhappy and I told her she could talk to me and then a few weeks later she came over because she needed help with a date."
"So then you were friends after that?"
"Not exactly. She got mad at me when she found out I told the guy he should ask her out. Plus, the guy had a crush on me and asked me out..."
"I see," the doctor smiled and Rory felt the familiar awkwardness of being sixteen.
"We were kind of always like that," she exhaled. "We'd be okay for a while and then she'd be mad at me for something and wouldn't speak to me for weeks. We always made up though. It felt weird when we stopped having classes together – we kind of enjoyed the competition."
"You sound similar," the doctor remarked and Rory sat up in her seat, genuinely shocked.
"Excuse me?" she exclaimed and the doctor laughed.
"You both sound like perfectionists. You both wanted to be excelling students."
"I guess," Rory said, sinking back down. "I never really thought about it that way. Paris would never drop out of Yale though," she added bitterly. The doctor looked up at her tone.
"You said you lived together," she said. "And you found your first year at Yale hard. Did you talk to Paris about it?"
Rory let out a laugh.
"Paris isn't really a friend to braid hair and share cookie dough with."
"She wouldn't understand?"
"I don't know," Rory said, feeling suddenly tired. "She got overwhelmed sometimes and she talked to me about it – sometimes I had to nudge her a little but she told me when it got too much, like when she didn't get into Harvard and when she got kicked out of position of editor at the Yale Daily News."
"Yet you can't talk to her the same way?"
"I feel like she'll interrogate me," Rory admitted. "I told her I was quitting Yale and she said I was crazy. She was right, I guess, but Paris can't just listen."
"She can't?"
"Not when it comes to stuff like that," Rory said, feeling a little guilty. "She can be really great with other things – like when I broke up with Logan the first time round, she was awesome."
The doctor nodded and Rory elaborated.
"I can talk to her about life stuff but when it comes to school and work...I feel like I'm in my Headmaster's office. She doesn't let me talk, she shoots all these questions at me and makes me feel worse. I told her about not having a job and she didn't hold back."
"Did you tell her how unhappy you were?"
"No," Rory said, feeling hot. "I didn't tell her much about our marriage."
"Why not?"
"Because I felt like I was failing."
"Failing?" the doctor echoed, intrigued. "You saw your marriage as a test?"
"I..." Rory's voice trailed away. She wished she'd taken the doctor's offer of a drink.
"Paris was't exactly happy about my engagement," she said eventually. "She didn't yell or anything but she wasn't overflowing with joy. She said she thought I was too young to marry, especially a guy like Huntzberger, who'd shown he wasn't the loyal type. Those were her words. I got mad at her. I told her Logan had changed, he'd grown up, getting married would be an adventure and we were old enough to know our minds. She didn't say anything after that and she was a bridesmaid at our wedding."
"So you didn't want to admit she was right?"
Rory bunched her hands together in her lap.
"I felt guilty after dropping out of Yale," she said. "I got into Harvard and Paris didn't but I was the one who couldn't handle college. She thought it was after I got together with Logan but I was struggling anyway, I just didn't tell her. I didn't want her to know."
"Did you think she'd be smug about it?"
"I felt humiliated," Rory said uncomfortably. "I felt like when we were in Chilton and she made fun of my grades, before I caught up."
"So -?"
"She wouldn't have been cruel," Rory said, cutting her off. "She'd have been Paris. She'd have made me sit down and make a plan and figure out my weak points."
Rory stopped, hearing her own words out loud. It sounded terribly familiar to her pro/con lists and she rushed on,
"When I dropped out I felt like I was back in high school and Paris told me I'd never make it, never become a journalist. I hated failing in front of her and I didn't want to tell her I'd made a mistake."
"You didn't want to tell yourself that," the doctor commented and Rory shrugged, her throat dry.
"Is that water still on offer?"
Doctor Moran got up and poured Rory a glass from the pitcher in the corner. Rory took it and sipped gratefully, sluicing off the sensation of being back in her Chilton uniform.
"Yet you said Pars was very supportive when you split up with Logan," the doctor reminded her. "Why didn't you want to share how you felt?"
"I was worried she wouldn't be," Rory told her. "Paris is never anything less than honest. I was scared she'd tell me she knew it would happen, that she knew I'd regret it, that I'd been an idiot."
"Did she?"
"Everything except the idiot part."
Doctor Moran nodded and Rory put the glass down.
"And when I did tell her, she said more than that," she told her. "She said I was depressed. It felt like she'd kicked me in the chest."
"Would it have hurt as much if anyone else had said it?"
"No," Rory said honestly. "I mean, yes, and I'd have thought about it but I could have told myself they were exaggerating or something. Paris can be extreme but she tells the truth. She doesn't shut up to be polite and she said it without me telling her anything."
"Are you glad she said that to you?"
"I don't know if I'd use that word," Rory said. "But she helped me figure things out. I stayed with her when I left Logan. She picked me up in Boston."
"Do you think you'll always be friends?"
"She's been in my life since I was sixteen," Rory said, smiling a little. "And I can't see it without her there."
The doctor smiled too and asked,
"You had coffee with her this week. What did you talk about?"
"I told her I was sleeping with Jess."
"What did she say?"
"She was happy," Rory said, embarrassed. "She always liked Jess. One time, when we were seventeen, she came over to study and Jess showed up with a ton of food. He wanted to stay and I told Paris to eat with us and we had the best night. We talked about writing and authors and it was just...we had so much fun."
"Did the three of you become friends?"
"Not really," Rory said, a little sad. "Jess took off early. Dean showed up and caught us together and got mad. Paris covered me – she said she had a crush on Jess – and the night was ruined after that."
"Caught you together?" the doctor frowned. "You were eating dinner with your friends. It doesn't sound like you were doing anything wrong."
"Dean didn't see it that way. He thought I was going behind my back. He was really yelling until Paris covered."
"That doesn't sound healthy."
Rory shrugged uncomfortably.
"It was a long time ago."
The doctor raised her eyebrows and Rory hastily added,
"Maybe the whole night wasn't ruined. Paris stayed over."
"I take it you didn't share cookie dough and braid hair," the doctor teased and Rory grinned.
"That night was kind of an exception. No hair braiding but we ate a ton of food and watched bad TV. Paris told me Jess was into me."
"What did you say?"
"I told her she was crazy. She said I liked him, that if I wanted to I could have got Jess to leave."
"What did you think about that?"
"I said I had a boyfriend."
"That didn't answer her question."
"No," Rory said thoughtfully. "I guess not."
There was a small silence and Rory sighed.
"Jess is the only guy I've been with she likes."
"Why do you think that is?"
"I guess maybe because Jess is smart," Rory said. "And they had fun, when we were all eating together. My other boyfriends were kind of scared of her."
"I see."
"I didn't tell her about the letter," Rory found herself saying. "The ones Jess and I wrote."
"Why?"
"I didn't want her to make a joke about it," Rory said. "It was private and if I'd told her...it wouldn't have been the same."
"I know what you mean," the doctor said and Rory breathed in relief.
"So," Doctor Moran continued. "You saw Paris. Did you do anything else this week?"
"I had a fight with my grandmother."
"What about?"
"My marriage," Rory said, staring at her knees. "Getting divorced."
"She didn't understand?"
"She didn't say anything," Rory said. "She just sat there, telling us to eat, and I yelled at her. I said all this stuff...I know I was a jerk."
"What kind of stuff?"
"I pretty much blamed her," Rory said, feeling horrible. "I asked why she'd never told me to reconsider, why she'd never heard me out and why she'd been so happy about our relationship."
The doctor was silent and Rory quickly added,
"I didn't mean any of it."
"Didn't you?"
Rory blinked.
"It all sounds very pointed," Doctor Moran said. "Very specific. Did you really not mean any of it or had you just buried those thoughts?"
"I would never talk to her like that."
"That's not what I'm asking."
Rory sat back in her chair. She wished she hadn't finished all the water.
"I felt mad at her," she admitted. "Not just that night. I felt mad at her before that."
"For the reasons you said?"
"It would be when I fought with Logan," Rory said. "Or in California, when I was lonely – I'd think about how much she wanted us to get married, how much she wanted us to have kids and I'd...I was furious with her."
The doctor was silent, waiting for her to go on and Rory continued,
"It's not like she sat me down and explicitly told me to marry him. She didn't pressure me like that, but when she found out we were together you'd think she'd been made head of the DAR. She loved Logan so much, even before she knew him. It didn't matter because he was part of the Huntzberger family."
"Even when she found out he cheated on you, all those years ago?"
"I didn't tell her," Rory admitted. "I didn't want anyone to know."
The doctor didn't reply and Rory accused,
"You think I'm being unfair."
"I didn't say that."
"You're thinking it."
"I think you're assuming your grandmother wouldn't have cared," the doctor said. "Or would have let it go and you're angry because you feel betrayed. It's premature, but you feel it."
Rory couldn't argue with that and the doctor pressed,
"Do you think she'd have reacted that way?"
"I don't know," Rory said honestly. "But I do know that she and Grandpa would never give Dean and Jess a chance. They didn't do anything like that and they wanted them gone."
"Why?"
"They weren't from the right background. Dean came over for dinner once and my grandfather hated him so much – he gave him such a hard time. "
"Did the same thing happen with Jess?"
"He came over to dinner and we got into a fight," Rory said, cheeks red at the memory. "He showed up late with a black eye and I was sure he'd fought with Dean. Grandma was great."
"If she was great, why do you think she disliked him?"
Rory sighed.
"Just because my grandmother is polite to you, it doesn't mean she likes you. She hated him. When I got back together with Dean, at Yale, she and Grandpa threw a party for the alumni of Yale and their kids...their sons. There were no girls there. They dressed me up and introduced me to all these rich boys. I felt like I was at a cattle auction."
The doctor chuckled sympathetically and Rory went on,
"Logan was there. He saved me from this really gross guy and he and his other friends made their own party in the poolhouse. We all drank too much and I forgot Dean was picking me up. When I went to meet him he said he wasn't part of that world anymore and broke up with me."
"And then you went straight to Logan."
"Yes."
"I suppose your grandmother was pleased her plan had worked."
"I didn't really think of it like that," Rory said awkwardly. "And we weren't together in a traditional sense for a while."
"But when you were?"
"She and Grandpa were thrilled. I brought him to dinner and they were practically planning our wedding reception. Even when they found out we were having sex they didn't stop being happy."
"I can't say my grandparents would have been that way."
"They freaked out a little," Rory said, embarrassed. "They got a minister to talk me out of it – they didn't know we were already doing it – and then they moved my room next to theirs."
The doctor looked amused and Rory added,
"But if they'd found that out about Dean or Jess he'd have to be reacquainted with his limbs."
"And this was when you were living with them."
"Yes."
The doctor sipped her own water and Rory remarked,
"Grandma never forgave me for how I left."
"How's that?"
"It was when Jess showed up," Rory said. "When he'd published his book and yelled at me for dropping out and I fought with Logan – I knew I had to go. So I showed up late to this tea party and Grandma was mad because I hadn't been there for her to approve my outfit, which wasn't the dress she'd picked out, and we fought and I left without telling her goodbye."
"I see."
"It sounds bad," Rory said, knowing what she was thinking. "And I should have talked to her but I couldn't take it anymore."
"Take what?"
"How she had to control everything, know what I was wearing and where I was going. I felt stifled. I finally understood what my mom had been saying all those years."
"That she had felt that way too?"
"Pretty much. And I got how hard it must have been for her to leave with me. They've never gotten over it."
"Were they angry, when they found out she was pregnant?"
"They weren't exactly overjoyed," Rory remarked. "But I think they were more disappointed – they were members of the club and DAR and Mom had embarrassed them. That's what she said. They wanted her to marry my dad but she wouldn't and they got mad for her ruining their plan."
"You said they like your father a lot. I have to say I'm surprised, if he made your mother pregnant when she was sixteen."
"If it had been any other guy..." Rory slowed to a halt, realising her words. "They knew my dad, they liked him. His parents were members of the same club."
"So they supported their relationship?"
"Grandma always wanted him to stay with my mom and Grandpa was mad that she didn't do the right thing."
"You said you think your mother did the smart thing by not."
"Right," Rory agreed. "And it hurts that they don't see it. They just think he's so wonderful."
It had come out a little more bitterly than she'd intended and the doctor asked,
"And they think you did the right thing, by marrying Logan?"
Rory swallowed.
"Mom always said they thought I was the daughter they should have got," she confessed. "I didn't get into trouble, I didn't have sex in high school and I went to Yale, my grandfather's school. I did it all right. I dropped out but I fixed it and then I got married as soon as I graduated, like they wanted."
"Is it hurtful for your mother to think that way?"
"Maybe. I'd feel guilty whenever she said so but she always brushed it off."
"Do you think it was hard for her to see you follow their path?"
"I don't know," Rory said, her face hot. "I remember years ago, when we first started going to their house every week, Grandpa took me golfing. We had a great day together and Mom freaked out because she'd hated that so much, but in the end she was happy we were close. When we fought, after I left, she made us talk and work things out."
"She's happy you had what she didn't."
"I guess."
Rory stared at her hands, waiting for another question, but there wasn't one. She looked up and said thoughtfully,
"Grandma's so happy with her life. She broke up with my grandfather for a little while and she was so unhappy. She can't live without him...she's not a doormat or anything but they need each other. He was unhappy too. She got married right away and had a kid in the space of three years and never looked back."
"It didn't work out for you," the doctor said. "You're mad at her because it didn't?"
"I'm mad at her because she can't see any other way," Rory said suddenly, surprising herself. "I'm mad at her because she can't see how smart my mom was for not getting married and for doing it all on her own, for never saying she's proud of her. I'm mad because I was miserable, she told me to compromise, she pushed me to have kids and I'm mad at myself for going back."
"Going back?" the doctor echoed, confused and Rory said vehemently,
"Back to where I left off with Logan and his rich friends and that whole life. I knew it was stifling me and I still...I wanted things to work out so badly I got married. I was scared. I loved Logan and I was scared."
The doctor was silent and Rory went on,
"Mom didn't do it and she was scared. I know they're disappointed in her but...sometimes I think they should be disappointed in me."
Rory blinked, the room suddenly blurring. She swallowed a lump in her throat and looked up as the doctor handed her another glass of water, a kind expression on her face.
"I shouldn't have yelled at Grandma," Rory sniffled, drinking the water. "It's not her fault things didn't work out, it's just..."
The doctor looked at her and Rory said,
"Logan and my dad both screwed up. Dad hurt Mom and Logan hurt me but it's like...it doesn't matter what they do because of who they are."
"Your grandmother didn't know about the cheating," the doctor said gently and Rory shook her head.
"No, but she knew all the stuff Dad did wrong and she didn't care. I can't...I don't want her to tell me we could work things out. She's always saying to compromise, like Mom didn't."
The doctor didn't say anything and Rory took a Kleenex from the box on her desk, wiping her eyes.
"Rory, I think you should go and talk with your grandmother," Doctor Moran said when she'd finished. "She needs to hear this as well as me."
Rory emitted a dry laugh.
"Communication isn't the strong point in the Gilmore family."
"Maybe it's time for you to change that," the doctor said firmly. "You can do it, Rory."
Rory smiled weakly, holding back the feeble joke in her mind about silences which could kill. She replaced her glass, shook the doctor's hand and privately thought trying to braid Paris's hair seemed less terrifying than talking with Emily.