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After her appointment Rory drove straight to her grandparents' house. She swallowed, wiped her palms on her skirt (something Emily would strongly disapprove of) and knocked on the door. Rory expected a maid to answer but Emily came to the door. They both looked at each other in silence.
"Hi, Grandma," Rory said in a small voice.
"Hello," Emily said stiffly. "Don't you have work today?"
"I have this afternoon off."
"I see."
Before Rory could say anything else Emily turned smartly on her heel and walked back inside and, unsure of what to do, Rory followed her. Emily stopped in the living room, where she had been drinking some coffee, a crossword in front on her and she sat back down in front of it. Rory stood nervously in front of her and said,
"Grandma, I'm sorry."
"All right, you're sorry," Emily said simply. Rory hesitated and then took a seat in front of her.
"I shouldn't have said that," she said. "I shouldn't have talked to you like that."
"No, you shouldn't have," Emily agreed. "But I'm not entirely surprised, seeing who your mother is."
"Don't blame Mom," Rory said angrily. "I'm the one who screwed up!"
Emily looked at her in surprise and then composed herself.
"Rory, if all you're here for is to attack me again, I'm not listening. Now, I have a crossword to finish and coffee to drink, two things by far I would rather do."
Rory was silent for a moment and Emily picked up her pen.
"Hair for key," she mused out loud. "I wonder what it could be."
"Grandma, I'm sorry," Rory said again. "Please – I don't blame you for what happened."
Emily put down the pen and said coolly,
"That's not the impression I got."
"I didn't mean it. I was mad."
"If you didn't mean it, then why did you say it?" Emily asked pointedly. "It certainly sounded as though you meant it. You were more than clear when you assured me, very loudly, that I didn't support you, didn't listen to you and am a monster simply for wishing my granddaughter a happy marriage."
Emily's tone was sharp and Rory tried not to wince.
"Grandma, I'm –"
"You're sorry," Emily said, cutting her off. "Yes, I heard."
She sipped her coffee and Rory took a deep breath, unable to help wishing she had a cup too.
"I was hurt," she said carefully. "I was hurt when you didn't say anything when I told you I was getting divorced. I was scared to tell you and you acted like I told you my car broke down or something."
Emily put her cup down hard on the table.
"What would have been preferable?" she demanded. "Me to shout at you, me to scream, burst into tears?"
"No, I – I just wanted some reaction," Rory said, leaning forward. "It was hard to say."
"It was hard for me to hear," Emily retorted. "But I didn't see what good crying about it at the table was going to do. It's done. Your marriage is over and now you have to move forward. There is not a thing I can do to change it."
"But," Rory argued, confused, "you got upset when I told you we were separated."
"A separation isn't a divorce, Rory," Emily said patiently. "Your grandfather and I separated but we realised our mistake. That's what I thought yours was, a petty mistake. I imagined you were acting as Lorelai would, running at the first sign of trouble – how was I to know what had happened? You blamed me."
She sounded hurt and Rory bit her lip.
"I didn't blame you."
Emily let out a snort.
"If you didn't blame me, why did you assassinate me at the dinner table?"
Rory was silent for a moment and said,
"I don't blame you Grandma, it's just – why did you want us to get married so badly?"
"Why shouldn't I?" Emily asked simply. "Logan was from a good family, he seemed like a good man. You were both from the right background, the right school and you could support each other. It seemed like a wonderful marriage to make. Of course I was happy."
Rory didn't reply and Emily added,
"Of course if I knew what was going to happen I wouldn't have advised it. I didn't know. I was happy that you had found love with what seemed a wonderful man at such a young age. I was happy that you had graduated and knew what the next step of your life would be, something your mother has never managed."
"Grandma, why do you always do that?" Rory asked, unable to keep the sharpness from her tone. "Why do you always drag Mom into it?"
Emily stared at her and then said evenly,
"What do you mean by that?"
"You always act like Mom made such horrible choices," Rory said, her voice trembling. "Like everything she does is wrong."
"You're putting words in my mouth again," Emily said, though Rory noticed she didn't reach her eyes. "Making your mother into a martyr."
"But you do," Rory said doggedly. "You're angry because Mom didn't marry Dad when she got pregnant."
"Obviously, I was angry," Emily snapped. "When you get pregnant, you get married. It's the right thing to do. Christopher was willing to do so, he understood the plan. He adored your mother. I simply couldn't understand why Lorelai was so definite on doing just the opposite. She could have lived here, given you a good life and married Christopher. You could have been the perfect family."
"I did have a good life," Rory said angrily. "And we were the perfect family."
"She took you to live in a shack!" Emily exclaimed. "Away from Christopher, away from us – do you know much that hurt me? Well," she said coldly, looking at Rory. "You are her daughter, after all."
"Grandma, Mom felt stifled," Rory said, trying to keep her temper. "She felt trapped."
"I gave her everything she needed!"
"But she wasn't happy!" Rory exclaimed. "This isn't what she needed!"
Emily's eyes glinted dangerously but she simply said,
"What did she need? Living a life of loose ends on her own, away from everyone? Forgive me, Rory, but yes, I was happy you accepted Logan's proposal. I was happy you weren't following in your mother's footsteps. I was happy that you were doing things the right way."
"But look where I am," Rory said, breath tight in her chest. "I did things your way and I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what the next step of my life is going to be. It didn't work out."
Emily didn't try to reply and Rory went on,
"Mom is a successful business manager. She owns an inn, she worked her way up and I had everything I needed. She couldn't have done all that if she got married and Dad...Dad could have seen me anytime I wanted and he didn't. He didn't even come to Stars Hollow until I was sixteen."
"He was young," Emily said and Rory retorted,
"So was Mom. She knew he wasn't ready to get married. She did the smart thing and I didn't."
"Rory, a twenty-two-year-old Yale graduate is somewhat different from a pregnant sixteen-year-old," Emily said sharply. "It seemed much more of a smart thing than living aimlessly, trying to find a job or going travelling with youths who never seem to bathe!"
"But that's it!" Rory shouted, making her jump. "That's what I was doing, Grandma! I was living aimlessly!"
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is! I did nothing all day! I had two jobs, one I hated, and I after I lost them I didn't try again. I just sat in the apartment all day, waiting for Logan to come home. It was hot and I was lonely and I hated it there so much. Then we came home and I thought things were going to work out, because I'd be home, but it didn't. I wasn't happy. I was so miserable, Grandma, and everything was worse, and do you know why?"
Emily didn't ask and Rory answered,
"Because everywhere I went I thought about what I could have been. Who I could have been. I was going to be a journalist, travel the world but all I did was host cocktail parties and cook dinner. I was nothing except Logan Huntzburger's wife."
Emily made a sharp sound and got up.
"So that's how you see me?" she asked furiously. "Just a wife?"
"No, I –"
"This life makes me happy," Emily said, gesturing around her. "And you think it's redundant. You think I'm redundant?"
"No," Rory said, getting up to face her. "It was redundant for me. It was stifling for me. This isn't who I am, Grandma."
"Who are you, then?"
"I don't know!" Rory cried. "But I'm not a society wife with a country club membership!"
"What is with you and that damn country club?" Emily shouted. "You loved it as a child!"
"When I was a child," Rory agreed, standing a little straighter. "I'm not a child anymore."
Emily looked at her and then sank back down on the couch. Rory sat beside her and saw a trickle of tear in the corner of her eye.
"I just wanted you to be happy," she said, refusing to look at Rory. "That's all I want, for you and Lorelai."
"I know, Grandma," Rory said quietly and her grandmother said,
"I wanted you and Logan to be happy. I had this wretched image in my mind of the two of you bringing your children there, a boy and a girl, and we'd all eat lunch and teach them how to play golf..."
Her voice trailed off and as Rory bit her lip Emily said in a tired voice,
"I'm an old fool."
"Grandma, you're not a fool," Rory said, stung and Emily scoffed.
"Of course I am. That's how you see me. I imagined Lorelai marrying the father of her child and when you did marry Logan I thought you'd have your own...you had such a bright future. Nothing works out."
Rory tentatively reached for Emily's arm but she shook it off and snapped,
"Stop that."
"Grandma, no one thinks that about you," Rory said, trying to make her look up. "We know you want us to be happy, it's just...you think the only way for us to be happy is get married."
"I want you to have stability," Emily said. "But I suppose you think that's stifling, too."
"Grandma –"
"Go home, Rory," Emily said, lifting her eyes. "I'm getting a headache."
"Do you accept my apology?"
"Yes," Emily said shortly. "Now, I'm tired. Go home to your mother."
Rory hesitated but got up, leaving her grandmother on the couch. She glanced behind her and felt a fiery guilt at the sight of her burying her face in her hands. She slipped out, feeling a rush of intrusion and irritation and leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. Rory jumped as her cellphone went off. It was Honor.
"Hi," Rory said, confused as she walked over to her car. She couldn't think why her former sister-in-law would be calling.
"Hey, Rory."
"Is everything okay?" Rory asked, unlocking the door. "Is the baby -?"
"The baby's kicking away," Honor said merrily. "And me in the process. I'm just calling to see if you got my package."
"Package?" Rory slid into the driver's seat.
"I sent it yesterday, it should be at your house by now. I was just wondering if you'd gotten it. I'd don't know what it is, Logan left instructions –"
"Logan left instructions?" Rory interrupted. "How come he didn't send it?"
"Kind of hard to send from California."
Rory stopped, almost dropping the phone.
"What?"
"He's back in California. He left me a key and instructions on the table."
"Logan can't be in California," Rory argued, her vision clouding. "He's not going for another week."
"He left early. Didn't he tell you?"
"No," Rory whispered and Honor clicked her tongue.
"Typical. You didn't get what he sent?"
"I don't know," Rory managed to say. "I've been out all day."
"Oh – well, call me if it shows up," Honor said. "If only so I can stop Logan pestering me about it."
"How come he left early?"
"I don't know," Honor said. "I think he just wanted to get away."
Rory couldn't say anything. She blinked, her vision cleared and Honor said apologetically,
"Rory, I have to go. I have an obstetrician's appointment."
"Sure," Rory said quickly. "Sorry. Thanks...thanks for calling."
"Bye, Rory."
"Bye."
Rory hung up and stared straight in front of her. She hadn't known if she was going to tell Logan goodbye but had put it at the back of her mind, believing it wasn't for a week and now he had made the decision for her without even a note. He'd left a package instead and Rory felt sick at the thought, wondering what was inside, what he had to say to her. Her legs trembled and she groped for her bottle of water, wishing she had a flask of coffee or something stronger. She sipped at the water until she felt steady, turned the ignition and drove home.
The parcel was on the table. Rory stared at it and Lorelai suddenly emerged, fastening an earring in her left ear.
"Oh yeah, that arrived. You'd already gone to work."
Rory nodded and, not noticing her discomfort, Lorelai remarked,
"I'm dying to know what's inside but, alas, the inn needs me. What's with these people?" she joked. "You'd think they were paying me or something."
Lorelai waited but Rory didn't laugh.
"Joke," she prompted and Rory caught herself, smiling.
"Sorry, Mom. Daydreaming."
Lorelai ruffled her hair and gave her a kiss.
"Talk to you later, sweets."
Rory said goodbye in a dull voice and waited for her mother's jeep to pull away. She sat at the chair and ripped the parcel open. A jewellery box and some pictures fell out. Rory lifted them to see a picture of her and Logan at the top of the platform, ready to jump, and a photo of them on their wedding day, about to cut the cake. Rory knew what was inside the box but it still hurt as she opened the velvet and saw the rings nestled inside, their diamonds winking at her. She put it all down, sucked in a deep breath and then noticed something white inside the packaging. She shook it out and saw that it was a letter and, sitting back, she began to read.
Rory,
It's Logan. I know there's no point trying to show you how much I love you so I'm sending this on. I can't get you to come back so I'm not keeping our rings. Can't you see how much we loved each other? I was infatuated with you. I'm still infatuated with you. I was infatuated with you ever since we held hands and jumped with umbrellas. Maybe you'll throw these away but I want you to remember. Maybe you still feel it.
I went back early to California, to our apartment. It's still there if you want to be, Ace. It can be a fresh start. Say the word and I'll send you a ticket. You said you don't love me anymore but I don't think love disappears. I'll start over if you will. I didn't tell you I was leaving because I didn't want you to say goodbye. I don't believe it's goodbye.
I'm out of town for a few weeks, hitting Vegas with Colin and Finn (I'm still a member of the Life and Death Brigade, after all). I'll be in our apartment after that. Rory, I'm not asking you to drop it all and follow me, and I know you want a divorce, but if you change your mind...I'll buy you an even bigger ring. Didn't we have it all?
In omnia paratus!
Logan
Rory sank back in the chair, releasing anxious breaths. She wanted it away from her but she helplessly read Logan's words over and over until she forced herself to stop, throwing the letter on the table and knocking over the rings. Rory and Logan's faces grinned inanely from the table and Rory picked up one of the photos. It was her on her wedding day, Logan's arm around her, his hand clamped on hers as she held the knife. She had a giggle on her face and Rory remembered now that he had whispered a dirty joke in her ear about what they could do with the icing. She remembered the day, the heavy sensation of the long, intricate dress and the inexplicable sadness of someone not being there. Logan's joke had made her laugh and Rory had forgotten for a moment her wish to see Jess with a book in a corner, mingled with relief. She couldn't imagine his expression, she'd thought unfaithfully as she'd walked up the aisle, at her making vows to Logan.
Rory let the photo drop. She remembered that she was supposed to see Jess that evening, after getting back from Hartford, and felt weak at the knees. Rory sat still, unable to move, before finally forcing herself to get up, pick Logan's rings, pictures and letter and drop it all back in the packaging. She took it to her bedroom and stared in the mirror. Her face was as white as a ghost.
Rory still felt in shock when it was time to leave. She went to the kitchen and made herself a double-bag's worth of coffee. She drank it one gulp, enjoying the shock of caffeine and scalding heat, before picking up her purse and heading over to Jess's. She walked across with streets with looking but was too lost in thought to reflect that she was lucky this was Stars Hollow, with no risk of getting run over.
Someone was leaving Jess's building as Rory approached and let her in. She went up the stairs, knocked on Jess's door and frowned as his smile turned to a look of concern.
"What happened?"
"Do I look that bad?"
"Rory, what's wrong?" Jess asked as she sat down. "What's happened?"
"Logan left for California," Rory said, folding and unfolding her arms. "A whole week early."
Jess frowned but didn't say anything and Rory went on,
"He sent me a parcel with a letter and things in it."
"A letter and things in it?" Jess echoed, tight-lipped. "What things? What did he say?"
"Our rings and wedding photos and us at Yale...he asked me to come back," Rory said and Jess shook his head, getting up. "What? Jess, I'm not thinking about it."
"Why are you so bothered?"
"It was unexpected," Rory said. "And he left early."
"Why does it matter when he leaves?"
"It doesn't, it's just a shock – I wasn't prepared."
"The way I see it, he's done you a favour," Jess said angrily. "The sooner he left, the better."
"I didn't want him to stay, it's just..." Rory struggled for words. "I thought it would be later."
"So what? Were you going to take him to the airport?"
"No!" Rory cried, hurt by the look on his face. "Jess, why are you being like this?"
"Like what?"
"Jealous!"
"I'm not jealous," Jess snapped, sitting back down. "I just hate that it's affecting you."
"I was married to him," Rory said, heart beating. "I'm sorry if I get affected by getting my ring and photos sent back."
"Rory, I get that, but why is it hurting you this much? You pretty much said you never wanted to see him again, you said you didn't love him anymore!"
"I don't love him anymore!" Rory said furiously. "And I don't want to see him, it's just...I wanted to say goodbye. It hurts that he took that from me."
"Yeah," Jess said. "I know how that feels."
Rory stopped and looked at him.
"Jess, I'm sorry," she said. "I just – I wanted to be able to say it, even if it was just in my mind. I feel hurt, I can't help it."
"Yeah," Jess said quietly. "I know."
They fell silent and Jess said gently,
"Let's forget about it. Do you want dinner or something?"
"No," Rory said, looking up. "I don't want anything. I can't eat anything."
"Okay," Jess said, taking her hand. "Let's talk then."
"About what?"
"I don't know. Anything. How was Hartford?"
"I don't want to talk about Hartford," Rory said, staring at Jess's hand on hers. "I can't just...Jess, what are we doing?"
"Right now we're having an awkward conversation," Jess said, his voice uneasy despite his words being light. "What's wrong?"
"This," Rory said, taking her hand from his "What is this? What we're doing now? I come over and we eat and we talk and we have sex but it's – it's wonderful, but what is it?"
"What is it?" Jess asked, confused. "Is it anything?"
"Anything?"
"I haven't put a label on it," Jess said, staring at her. "I didn't want to put it in a box. I didn't think you did, either."
Rory shook her head blindly and Jess said,
"What's wrong? Rory, what is it?"
"I don't know," Rory cried. "I was happy, coming over here and being with you and then Logan sends me a letter saying he's still in love –"
"Fuck Logan!" Jess said angrily. "Screw Logan! He's trying to play you!"
"I know what he's doing," Rory said, her voice trembling. "But now I'm thinking about everything and Jess, what's going to happen? Am I just going to live at home and frost my hair and have sex now and then until I'm as old as Miss Patty?"
"Rory, slow down, you're freaking out," Jess said, taking her shoulders. "Relax."
"I can't relax," Rory said fitfully. "What about the future? Are we going to be in a relationship or are we going to just...do this?"
"What do you want?"
"I don't know," Rory said, returning his stare. "I don't know."
Jess let go of her shoulder and they sat silently until Jess asked,
"Why is it this way?"
"What way?"
"Logan contacts you and everything gets screwed up."
Rory couldn't reply and Jess said,
"You're not going to go see him, are you?"
Rory leapt up, incensed.
"How the hell can you ask me that?"
"He asked you to come back before," Jess said. "And you came."
Rory stared at him and grabbed her purse.
"Rory!"
Rory ignored him, threw open the door and stumbled down the steps, ignoring Jess's pleas to return. She needed a place of her own.