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"Another, please."

The bartender took Rory's glass. It was dark in the damp, dive of a bar and everyone's faces had a pallor of shadow. Rory swung her legs on the stool and stared around at the walls, plastered with posters which were peeling at the corners and dropping to the sticky floor. Logan would never come in here. Rory turned her attention back to the bartender who refilled her glass and slid it back to her. Rory drank most of it in one. The alcohol was warm smoke in her throat.

"I never thought I'd end up here," she told the bartender. He chuckled.

"Yeah, you and me both."

"I mean, really," Rory said, slurring her words a little. "Really really. You know what I'm saying?"

"Miss, I think you should eat something," said the bartender, reaching behind him and handing Rory a bag of peanuts.

"I'm not Miss," Rory countered angrily, half-heartedly pushing the nuts away. "I haven't been Miss for a long time."

"Ma'am then," the bartender said and Rory shook her head with a groan.

"I'm not Ma'am either. Don't you dare call me Ma'am."

The bartender put his hands up and Rory said,

"You know, I started calling myself Ms as soon as I figured out what it was. It's not fair how men stay Mr all their life and women are Miss or Mrs depending on their marital status, right?"

"Sure."

"That was who I was," Rory continued. "I read about stuff, I cared about things. I was eleven and I started calling myself Ms. I wanted to go to Harvard."

The bartender nodded and Rory let out a laugh.

"I didn't go to Harvard," she said, shaking her head. "I went to Yale. I got into Harvard but I went to Yale."

"I dropped out halfway through community college, so..."

"Oh, it's a good school," Rory agreed, nodding vigorously. "A really good school. I could still do what I always wanted to do. Do you know what I always wanted to do?"

The bartender shook his head.

"I wanted to be a foreign correspondent," Rory said, slapping her hand on the sticky counter of the bar. "Ever since I saw Christine Amanpour – know who she is? – on the news I was going to be a journalist. I was going to travel the world and write about it and see things. And even though my mom and I didn't have a lot of money and lived in this crazy, small town, I never thought I couldn't."

The bartender leaned against the shelves behind him. His face was covered in shadow but Rory knew was a tired expression on his face. She didn't care.

"And I didn't!" she exclaimed. "I didn't couldn't...I could. If I wanted to. I got into this super-rich, super-scary prep school, Chilton. I got into Chilton! Have you heard of Chilton?"

"The sign practically blinds me when I drive past it."

"Yeah, it's blinding," Rory said, pointing her finger at him, which wobbled uncertainly. "Chilton's blinding, it's intense. A deer hit me once, did I tell you that?"

"No."

"A deer hit me when I was late for a test. I thought they'd kick me out, that's the kind of place it is. Not because I got hit by a deer, because of the test. They kick you out if you miss a test and at Stars Hollow High they gave you credit just for showing up."

Rory shook her head and continued,

"They didn't kick me out. I caught up. I kept up my GPA and I worked on the paper and I got made Valedictorian and even though my mom had to borrow money from her parents so I could go she said it was worth it. I got into Harvard and went to Yale!"

"You didn't graduate?"

"Yes, I graduated," Rory said, affronted. She tried to sit up straighter but the stool wobbled dangerously and she gripped the bar. "But I nearly didn't. What's your name?"

"Rick."

"I dropped out, Rick," Rory said, rolling the name around on her tongue. "I met this guy and I worked for his dad and his dad told me I was a failure and I dropped out. I stole a boat, did a ton of community service and dropped out."

"Wow."

"Yes, Rick, it is wow," Rory said, nodding and shaking her head at the same time. "You know what else is wow?"

Rick shook his head and Rory plunged on,

"I stayed with that guy. He cheated on me with an entire wedding party and I went back to him and do you know what's even crazier? He proposed to me and I said yes! I said yes, Rick! I didn't become a foreign correspondent! I got married right after graduation and moved to California with him to be his wife!"

Rory took a breath, spluttering as she laughed.

"And I couldn't keep a job. And then one day Logan comes to me and says we're moving back to Connecticut. We move back and I find out he's cheating on me and do you know how stupid I am? I went back!"

"Logan's the guy you married?"

"Keep up," Rory said rudely. "And he's not anymore. I'm getting divorced, Rick. I can't be his wife anymore. I don't want the house in the suburbs and kids to take to the country club."

Rick didn't reply and Rory continued,

"So he's back in California and do you know where I am? I'm back in my mother's house and having sex with my old boyfriend!"

"Not Logan?"

"No, not Logan!" Rory spat. "Jess!"

"Oh. Okay."

Rory fell silent and stared at the remainder of dark liquid in her glass. Rick started to wipe the counter with an equally dirty cloth.

"I was good," she insisted, tipping forward. "I did my homework every night, extra credit work because I wanted to, not because I had to, I never drank and I never skipped school – oh wait, I did," she said, looking up in surprise. "I skipped school when I was seventeen to go see the guy I'm sleeping with."

"You skipped school to sleep with him?"

"God, no," Rory said in disgust. "I was seventeen. I didn't have sex in high school. I was such a virgin they called me Mary. Do you want to know how I started having sex?"

Rick shook his head, looking uneasy.

"I had sex with my married ex-boyfriend," Rory said. "The guy I was seeing when I skipped school to see the other guy. Does that seem funny to you?"

"Um..."

"Because it's funny to me," Rory said. "I stopped thinking about him when I was him and when he came back I wanted what I'd lost. I used to love him, you know."

Rick put his cloth down and Rory sighed.

"Dean. He was my Dean. He said I had to love him...he always wanted to be with me. He married Lindsay and he still showed up in my bedroom when I was nineteen. Dean didn't run away, I knew where I was with him...so I had sex with him. It was stupid. Do you think it's stupid?"

"I've done a lot of stupid things."

"It was stupid, it was wrong. My mom sent me to Europe but he was still there when I got back. I wrote him a letter when I was away, saying we had to stop being together and his wife found it..." Rory's voice trailed off. "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Rick remained silent and Rory explained,

"I couldn't leave, not after he said he still loved me. My mom told me that. Don't run away from love. I felt bad...he loved me and his wife threw him out. I wanted to love him. I tried. In the end he left me," she said, snorting slightly. "Said he didn't belong anymore. He didn't want me anymore. How come they always stop wanting me? I try so hard but in the end they leave. They leave or cheat."

"That's rough."

"Yeah, Rick, it is rough," Rory agreed. "But it wasn't fun with him, not anymore. Even the sex...I mean, I'd never had sex before but it wasn't great. I know the first time isn't but it didn't really improve. Do you know what I mean?"

"Uh, sure."

"I didn't get the big deal people made," Rory said. "Not when I was with Dean."

Rich polished some glasses silently. Rory swallowed the last of her drink.

"It was good with Logan," she went on. "Exciting. Or it was. I felt excited with him...I did such crazy things with him. The boat. The umbrellas."

Rick didn't ask any further. Rory could tell, even through her drunken haze, that he was chalking it down to too much alcohol.

"He said marriage would be that...an exciting adventure. It's a trap, Rick. It's not an adventure. You think it is, when you're travelling around Asia and eating avocado but then you're trapped in the apartment, waiting for him to get back from work and you're diagnosed with depression."

Rick looked up in sympathy and Rory laughed.

"Yeah. That's right. I was going to a doctor and getting therapy while he screwed some other woman called Lisa and told me to come back. And I did. I wanted to try...I loved him and married him. I wanted it to be exciting again, even though I hadn't enjoyed sex with him for over a year."

Rick didn't blink and Rory said,

"That's what I did, instead of being a foreign correspondent. I married Logan Huntzberger and became his housewife. I never figured that when I was sixteen."

"You're getting divorced," Rick said, surprising her. "That's something, right?"

"It's something," Rory agreed. "And now he's sending me parcels. Wedding rings and pictures of us and letters telling me to come home."

Rick looked at her and Rory laughed.

"But it's not home, Rick. I am home. I'm home with my mother and working in a bookstore and somehow, I ended up sleeping with Jess. You know, I tried things my grandparents' way, ring on the finger and moving away, and that ended up with me crying about my life while he had an affair. I could always talk to Jess. Jess always understood."

Rory stared into the dregs of her glass for a moment before looking up.

"I could have done it with him before," she told Rick. "When Logan cheated on me, that time."

"His affair?"

"No, at Yale!" Rory said impatiently. "We had a fight, me and Logan. It was about Jess, actually...he showed up and Logan lost it. Left me at a bar. He thought we'd split up and he had sex with an entire wedding party. Oh no, I'm sorry. Sex with two and fooled around with one. Do you know what that means?"

Rick coughed and Rory rolled her eyes.

"I know what that means. You know what that means. The whole fucking world knows what means."

Rick didn't say anything to confirm nor deny and Rory laughed.

"He went off to do some stupid stunt in South America. Don't worry about the legalities, Daddy's little rich boy never gets into trouble. So I went to go see Jess. He published a book, he's smart. They told him he'd never get anywhere...he flunked out of school...but I knew he was smart. They told me I was smart and I'm the one without any kind of career."

Rick was silent and Rory waved a hand, more enthusiastically than she'd intended.

"Anyway, I went to his open house. He opened a publishing house. I was just going to tell him I was proud and we kissed...we kissed like nothing had changed. I think if I hadn't stopped we'd have gone further. I think he wanted to. But I did stop. I said I couldn't cheat on Logan," Rory laughed bitterly. "I didn't want to hurt him. And then I found out he fell off a fucking cliff and I felt so guilty that I went and nursed him and never told him what happened. And then I married him."

Rory threw the glass back to her mouth, catching the very last drops.

"And when we moved back, Jess did too. I'd go and see him after Logan and I fought and he'd listen. We never did anything but now we're having sex. And now Logan's sent me a letter and I'm thinking about life, my life...what I'm going to do and I had a fight with Jess. It's always how it happens."

"How what happens?" Rick asked patiently. Rory sighed.

"We went out, a long time ago. When I was eighteen, but we were friends long before that. I kissed him before that. We were friends when I was with Dean...he dumped me because he knew I was into him. So we went out and I was so happy, when I wasn't confused about what he was feeling and what he wanted. We used to make out on his uncle's couch or in his car and even though we never slept together I wanted to. I knew it wouldn't be boring with him. And then we broke up. We had a fight at a party and he took off to California."

"Is that where all your old boyfriends go?"

"You're funny, Rick," Rory said, staring at the bartender who'd split into two. "He went. He came back, asking me to go with him to New York but I couldn't...and then he came back when I was with Logan. Something always screws it up. Or I screw it up. Maybe it's meant to be screwed up."

"That's a little pessimistic."

"That's life," Rory retorted. "And I don't know what to do with my life. I'm home but I can't stay there forever. I have to figure something out, I can't work at the bookstore for the rest of my life. And I should figure out this thing with Jess...whatever it is. We had a fight tonight, about that, about Logan and that's why I'm here. I just got a cab and came here. More whiskey, please."

"I think you've had enough."

"I've got money," Rory said. "And I want another drink, Rick."

"It's not about cash," Rick said. "You've had enough. Call a cab and go home, you should keep your cash for that."

"Don't tell me what to do," Rory said angrily. "Why does everyone tell me what to do?"

"I'm not serving you any more."

"I thought we were friends, Rick," Rory snapped. "You can keep your service, and your nuts!"

She threw the packet back at him and fell off the stool.

"Rory!"

It wasn't Rick's voice in concern. Rory peered up from the floor, carpeted with chip packets, and Lane looked anxiously back.

"Rory, are you okay?"

"Does she belong to you?" Rick asked impatiently. "Take your friend home. She's talking about umbrellas and getting hit by deer."

Lane pulled Rory up with a surprising strength and guided her to a table. She sat down, went to the bar and returned with two glasses and a bag of nuts. One was water and one wasn't. Lane handed Rory the water and sipped her own, more interesting, drink. Rory eyed it curiously.

"Relax, it's just lemonade," Lane said, sipping it. "Nico's still being weaned. I think you've done enough drinking for both of us."

Rory was silent and Lane ripped the nuts open.

"Eat those and sip the water," she said commandingly. Lane had the mom voice down and Rory obediently ate and drank. As she sipped the cloud of alcohol lifted slightly and she asked,

"How did you know I was here?"

"I received a very drunken voice message about half an hour ago," Lane said. "Well, you sent it an hour ago but I just got it."

"I called you?" Rory couldn't even remember getting out her phone. Lane got out hers and Rory winced as she heard the proof of her hiccupping words, asking Lane to come hang out.

"You want to talk about it?" Lane asked, putting the cellphone away. "All I could get from that was where you were. I left the kids with Zach."

"I had a fight with Jess."

"Jess?" Lane repeated, frowning. "Why?"

"Logan sent me a parcel," Rory said. "With our wedding rings and photos."

"Oh, Rory."

"And he wrote me a letter asking me to come back."

Lane stared and Rory said,

"I'm not going to!"

"Good," Lane said quickly. "But how come you were fighting about it with Jess?"

Rory was silent and Lane bent a little to reach her eyes.

"Rory?"

"We've been sleeping together," she said eventually. "We've been having sex."

"I know what sleeping together means," Lane joked, staring at her. "For how long?"

"A couple of weeks."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I thought you'd disapprove!"

"Disapprove?" Lane exclaimed. "I'm not Mama, Rory! Didn't we say we'd tell each other everything?"

Rory nodded, ashamed.

"I'm sorry."

"Forget it," Lane said. "So you're in a relationship with him now?"

"No. I don't know. I didn't think about it. I didn't think it all until I got Logan's parcel and then I freaked out."

"How come?"

"Because I don't want to go back, but I don't know what to do. I've left Logan and now I don't know what to do next. What if this is all I do? I stay at home and sleep with Jess now and then."

"Rory."

"Jess said he didn't see it as anything," Rory said, unable to help feeling hurt. "He didn't want to label it."

"Rory, I don't think he meant it doesn't mean anything."

"Yeah, I know," Rory said quietly. "But we yelled at each other. I took off, took a cab and now I've been here making friends with the bartender."

"A lifelong friendship, I'm sure."

"Hey, don't be mean to Rick," Rory said but she slumped her shoulders. "It's got messed up, Lane. Jess was right. Logan always does this to me."

"Come on," Lane said firmly. "You freaked out because he sent you your wedding rings. You were married to him, Rory. It's normal to be upset."

Rory nodded and then shook her head.

"Why did he have to send it to me?" she asked angrily. "I'd just stopped thinking about him. I liked having sex with Jess and not thinking about things...and now I'm thinking about everything."

"Are you going to break up with Jess?"

"How can I break up with him when we're not even together?"

"Well, do you want to be together?"

"I don't know," Rory said heavily. "I don't want to be in a relationship but I don't want to stop seeing him."

Lane was silent and Rory went on,

"I can't stop thinking about the future. I don't know what I'm going to do, Lane. I can't stay home for the rest of my life."

"Rory, you just left."

"Yeah, but the next thing I know it'll be six months, a year. I don't want to do that. I don't want to stay home and I don't want to go to California and I don't know what to do. I haven't felt this way since I was about to graduate Yale."

"You're lucky," Lane said, making Rory look up in surprise. "I've known what my life was going to be since I was twenty-two."

"Lane –"

"Rory, I'm not mad," Lane said, looking into her eyes. "And I'm not trying to make this some competition over whose life is worse right now, but I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be bad not knowing the future. It's exciting. I've got three kids and the youngest one's a baby. I know that I can still do things but I will always be their mom. I have to look out for them, put them through school, save for college, or a rock band, or whatever it is they want to do or be. I know exactly what the next eighteen years of my life will be."

Rory was silent and Lane sighed.

"I feel like I was free for two minutes. I moved out, had the band and then I was married and found out I was pregnant. Barely three years where I just got to be me and not Mrs Kim's daughter or Mommy. And I love my kids. You know I love my kids, but sometimes I hate being a mother and I don't get a break. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant, at least not so young. I wanted a few more years before we even thought about that but I wound up pregnant on my honeymoon. Then the twins come in with some picture they've made for me and Nico smiles and I know I wouldn't change anything...but it's hard, Rory. It's really hard."

Rory looked at her and Lane laughed bitterly.

"And I feel like if I think that, I'm a bad mother."

"You're the best mother, Lane."

"If you have kids, you'll understand."

Rory looked away.

"I wanted an abortion."

"What?"

"When I thought I was pregnant, I wouldn't have gone through with it," Rory said, looking up. "I just knew I couldn't. I had to stop it."

Lane stared and Rory went on,

"I wasn't, in the end. But that's what I thought, in the moment."

"How come you didn't tell me?"

"I thought you might be mad at me," Rory said in a small voice. "Or think I'd thought the wrong thing."

Lane reached over and hugged her tightly.

"You can tell me anything."

Rory hugged her back and wiped a tear from her eye. She shook her head and laughed at herself.

"I'm a mess."

"You're not a mess."

"I'm drinking alone in this shady bar making an idiot out of myself."

"Not the only one drinking," Lane said, lifting her glass. "Even if it is lemonade."

Rory smiled and Lane said seriously,

"Sometimes I want to do this too."

"Do what?"

"Take off. Leave the kids with Zach and just go somewhere. Anywhere. I think about going to Italy – I've never been to Europe – or just out of town. But I can't. This isn't the way to fix it, Rory."

"Yeah, I know."

"You can figure this out," Lane told her. "But you can't just drink all night at a bar."

"I know. I'm sorry I called."

"Hey," Lane said, a wry smile on her face. "It got me out of the house at least. I miss going out. I miss the band, I miss playing the drums."

"Maybe sometime you can play again."

"Yeah," Lane sighed. "Someday. Right now all Zach and I talk about it is budgeting."

"Right," Rory said quietly. Lane finished her lemonade and smiled at her friend.

"Come on, let's go home."

"I love you, Lane," Rory said, slipping slightly as she got up, her friend steadying her.

"I love you, too," Lane said, helping her find her feet. "Just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Don't puke up in my car."