"We can have everybody smoke in an airport and Graves still can't have his cigar." –Twisted Fate
Mordekaiser's favorite flower was metal.
"Gwa ha ha!" He exclaimed in delight as he mashed the buttons of his game controller furiously. "Die! DIE! DIE DIE DIE!"
The Iron Revenant believed himself to be that one guy who always trampled on flowers at the best times possible, and indeed, he certainly fit the bill. Whenever he was in a bad mood and found some stupid little flowers sitting in front of him, he would slowly lift his feet above the flowers before smooshing them underneath his ironclad feet. He showed no mercy to any flower when he fell in a bad mood; not even Yorick was able to stop him from trampling all over Thresh's proposal flowers.
Who Thresh wanted to propose to, he had no idea, but he presumed it was nothing.
As his character plowed through a field of armored soldiers with a massive mace, the lord of undead chuckled. Nothing beat the taste of slaughtering millions.
…Though, it was only possible to savor such tastes in video games, unfortunately.
"I can now rest at peace," he said, letting out a satisfied sigh as he leaned against his metallic sofa comfortably. "Knowing that those idiots are going to suffer eternally, it makes me feel like…
"…grabbing some soda."
But alas, the iron man did not feel his legs budge. There were times when he just wanted to do nothing but stare off at an unknown distance, and such times always eliminated his thirst any kind of Brazilian drink.
Yes… Mountain Dew, the tea of Brazil… Even that was not enough to stop the drifts he made to his very own Neverland.
Before he fell into a deep slumber, however, he felt something press against the side of his helmet. From the temperature, he could tell it was cold aluminum.
A soda can.
His eyes opening before he closed them completely, the Iron Revenant turned around, only to find a certain Piltover Enforcer standing behind him with a grin.
"Yo!"
"…How on God's bastard child of a planet did you bust into my dorm?"
Vi shrugged, pointing at the open dormitory doors as she haphazardly answered, "It was just open when I came up. Just wanted to see what you were up to since everyone's pre-occupied."
Mordekaiser shriveled up and glared at her like a child who just had his ice cream sh#% on by a pigeon.
"Hey, no need to look so constipated!" The pink-haired Enforcer snickered as she waved the soda can still in her hand. "Here, take it before I do unspeakable things to you with this thing."
"I'll do unspeakable things to your girlfriend if you don't- AGHBRAUGHGR, STOP HITTING-"
Somewhere beneath Mordekaiser's dormitory, Caitlyn, the Sheriff of Piltover, sneezed violently.
Sitting at Mordekaiser's sofa, the Piltover Enforcer watched the Iron Revenant mash buttons as he cleaved his way through an army of insects in a video game.
"So this is what you do for most of your time?" She asked, her eyes glued on the iron television sitting in front of her.
"Yes."
"Huh. Must be nice."
The lord of undead chuckled. "Yes, it is nice. And in case you haven't noticed, I always make my own controllers for everything I play."
"Geez, do you like metal that much?"
"More than that, plastic just snaps so easily in my hands when I get excited."
"…Can't argue with that," Vi admitted, letting her arms rest against the headrest of the sofa. Thankfully, she had taken off her gauntlets, which definitely would have gotten in the way of Mordekaiser's gaming due to all the clunky sounds it made. Her "babies" were not designed for being quiet, after all.
Although Vi expected something strange from Mordekaiser's dormitory, it was strange an entirely unexpected way. She did predict Mordekaiser stuffing a throne of some sort inside the dormitory, but aside from that, the place generally looked normal aside from the fact that everything was made of metal. She thought it would look more like a cheesy Saturday morning cartoon villain's living room.
Instead, it looked a lot like Brand's room when it was not eternally on fire.
Much to her surprise, the hard sofa felt warm, and not because of Mordekaiser just sitting on the thing forever. Whatever Mordekaiser did to make the furniture, he did it well.
"Really, though, is this all you do?" The Enforcer asked again.
"If you're expecting some wizbiz to pop out of nowhere, get out of here."
Welp. I guess this is all he does.
Vi had seen video games. In fact, she played a decent amount of games whenever she felt bored in a place where she could not swing around punches wildly.
Never had Vi seen an armored tin can play video games so much more fervently than she ever did. Not that she cared much about how a warlord of death lived his own life, but she found it to be an interesting contrast to her expectations.
"Ah! Now that I think about it," Vi said as an imaginary lightbulb flickered on above her head, "I heard that Zyra needed help with something. Something about… plucking a plant out."
"Hmph. Plants… flowers… they're all the same thing," the Iron Revenant said in the most pessimistic manner ever. "They're all born to die faster than everything else around them."
"…Oooooookay, that came out of nowhere."
"Look, I hate plants," the lord of undead grumbled. "I have a bad memory with plants, and plants will forever be just 'plants' to me. I'm not getting involved with helping people with their stupid 'plants.' Freaking plants. Ugh."
The Piltover Enforcer put up a thoughtful look. She then remembered what Mercedes, a friendly high summoner, had told her once about Mordekaiser.
So she tried again.
"I heard she's giving tacos to anybody who helps her."
Pausing his game, the Iron Revenant stood up immediately and set the controller aside as he corrected(?) himself, "Look, I love plants. I don't have a bad memory with plants, and plants are never just 'plants' to me. I'm gonna get involved with helping people with their beautiful 'plants.' Freaking plants. Yay."
Vi laughed so hard, Mordekaiser decided it was his turn to punch her.
A slender figure stood in the Champions' Garden, a small area connected to the Champions' Break around the first floor lobby. Vibrantly colored flowers decorated the natural beauty of the garden, patches of green covering the soil beneath it.
Not that it mattered to Mordekaiser's eyes. In the end, all of the plants were going to die after their value as slaves to a bunch of bugs cut short.
"How dis-gusting," he growled as he looked around the garden. "Why does this place even exist? It's only going to attract more bugs and that means I'll have to take out my 'flyswatter' more often."
"Morde, it's literally just a garden."
"Exactly! Why on this godforsaken world would you put an unnecessary garden right next to the Champions' Break, especially when you can put it at a distance or something? Shitty floor planning, if you ask me."
Vi, now equipped with her gauntlets again, raised an eyebrow as she simply pointed at the person in the garden. Mordekaiser noticed the particular champion walking in what he considered to be a hell to those who hated meat.
Suddenly it all made sense. That made Mordekaiser hate the garden even more.
"Hey, Zyra!" Vi shouted as she caught Mordekaiser's hand and thrusted it up in the air before the Iron Revenant was able to escape. "I caught a slave for you!"
"SLAVE?! Are you out of your frickin' MIND?! Do I look like a slave to you?! Huh?! I'M NOBODY'S SLAVE, I AM MORDEKAISER, THE ENSLAVER OF METAL!"
Zyra was, to simplify things, a plant lady. And not just a lady who liked plants, she herself was a plant. Bearing a mix of her previous plant form and the body of a dark sorcerer who turned out to be connected to a disbanded underground organization once rooted within the Institute itself, she held the ability to manipulate botany to amazing extents.
That was to say she controlled natural plants well. As for artificial or unnatural plants containing non-plant chemicals, she had far less control over them.
"I do remember telling you," Zyra said with an impressed grin, "that I wanted someone who had as much strength as champions like Mordekaiser. Never did I expect you to actually bring him."
"Well, yeah," the Enforcer grinned as she shook Mordekaiser's raised hand. Had she not worn her gauntlets, the iron man would have punched her and make a run for it. Then again, that would only make her chase after him with a rage quadruple times bigger than an angry Tryndamere's.
"I know him pretty well. So I figured I could make some use of him once in a while."
The Iron Revenant's teeth grinded against each other as he seethed, "Enforcer, you must be out of your mind if you think a taco is worth saving wildlife of all things."
"I'll give you two."
"Much better."
Vi snickered. Mordekaiser swiftly raised his other hand menacingly as he balled it into a fist, only to lower it and turn back to Zyra in annoyance.
"So? The hell you want?" The armored Shadow Isles warlord grumbled as Zyra smiled.
"There are some… weeds that need to be plucked," she explained simply. "I ask of you to get rid of them with me."
"And why am I supposed to not get any more information than that…?"
Rolling her eyes, Zyra mumbled, "You're not going to listen to it anyway."
Never did Mordekaiser find a woman to quickly understand how a portion of his mind worked. He liked that in a woman… and in a man, considering that nobody understood much of what he spouted out at random times.
She was still a plant girl, though, so she remained insignificant to him.
"So all I need to do is pluck out a bunch of crap, right?" The Iron Revenant asked for confirmation as he composed a huge metallic shovel and grasped it with his two hands. If his horns were bigger, he would have looked like an Indie Game hero.
Motioning for Mordekaiser to follow along, Zyra walked down the garden, with Vi trailing behind the lord of undead. The trio walked down the garden without anything interrupting them.
…Alas, before Mordekaiser's little job even began, something atrocious popped out of nowhere. Bursting out of a wall of plants came Zed with Kennen in a chokehold, the shadow ninja's eyes glowing violently bright.
"GIVE ME BACK MY NOTEBOOK!" The Master of Shadows roared as he swung himself around, passing by a dumbfounded trio of unlikely champions. "IT'S MY ONLY HOPE TO BEAT SHEN!"
"LIKE HELL I WOULD, IT'S JUST FILLED WITH PICTURES OF AKALI TAKEN FROM W-WEIRD ANGLES!"
"…Wait, really?"
Freezing in the middle of their power struggle, Zed let go of the yordle as the small ninja took out Zed's red notebook. They fell in dead silence as Kennen flipped the pages before freezing when he found the cause of the "confiscation" of the notebook.
"See? Right here."
"Ohhh. I don't recall taking a picture of anyone, though. I never take pictures of people."
"…Then why is this here?"
"No idea."
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
"…Well, that actually raises a lot of questions so ALL THE MORE REASON TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The two ninjas burst through another wall of plants and vanished.
Staring at where the two left the scene through, the Master of Metal blinked. He then turned to Vi, who gave him an equally confused look.
"This is why I kill people."
"Shut up, Morde."
As the three trudged on, Zyra pointed forward as she said with her own dose of sass dripping from her words. "There it is. The field of weeds that grew because of a few scientists walking into a garden."
Sitting in front of Mordekaiser, Zyra, and Vi were weeds on the ground. Indeed, they were quite noticeable amongst the other plants due to having a slightly different appearance.
Mordekaiser wondered if weeds walked around with jumbled roots acting like human legs.
"Aren't those-"
"They're weeds."
The lord of undead rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know that, you nincompoop; I was just asking if they're a little different from just weeds."
Tilting her head, the Rise of the Thorns put up a thoughtful look before nodding. "Just a little," she said.
"If those tacos aren't delicious I'm gonna turn you into a vegetarian smorgasbord."
Rolling his eyes, the Master of Metal summoned his mace and walked over to the walking… weed people. Apparently, they were mutated weeds spawned due to the mistake of certain scientists, and Mordekaiser could already tell which scientists created such monstrosities just by how they looked.
Oh, how much he hated it whenever Singed screwed something up.
"Da fuq," one of the weed people mumbled when the Iron Revenant approached it. Every single weed person were extremely bulky and almost muscular; it reminded the lord of undead of how Thresh accidentally walked into Taric's room and almost never came back out alive despite the fact that Taric was missing at the time.
"Duh fuq you want, pussy," the same Weedguy said as it vertically aligned his elbows and spun them in front of itself like a freaky boxer. "Respect yo elders, motha f-"
Without any ounce of hesitation, the Iron Revenant slammed his mace against the Weedguy's head.
The Weedguy did not budge and simply froze in place.
"…Yo."
Taken aback by the abomination's strength, the lord of undead backed off, his eyes widened as he watched the Weedguy resume its… whatever stance it was supposed to be using.
Vi watched in horror as the muscles of the Weedguy bulged furiously, pulsating with an adrenaline she wish she had not noticed earlier. As the Piltover Enforcer simply stared at the extremely ugly thing, Zyra chuckled.
"Quite the handsome one, isn't it?" The Rise of the Thorns asked with a playful tone. Vi shook her head with great vigor, her face etched with horror.
"No. Please don't."
"Aren't the way its muscles bulge cu-"
"HELL NO! STOP SAYING THAT CRAP TO ME! ARGHHHHHHHH!"
Truthfully, Zyra enjoyed watching the color red invading the cheeks of many. It was a shame that Vi only grew blue at the thought of muscular weeds, even if the weeds themselves were harmful to the plants.
"In the garden, you don't fight with weapons," the two-legged plant thing stated to the lord of undead. "You fight with fists. Like a real plant."
"…Plants don't punch each other, you liar. Also, that doesn't explain why my weapons aren't working when my entire armor is practically made of the same thing-"
"Well THESE plants punch! Give it ya best shot, mad dawg."
"Oh yeah?!"
Unsummoning his mace, the Master of Metal slammed his metallic fists against each other as he raised them in front of him. "I only need to beat your shit once, fool!"
And as soon as the Iron Revenant rushed in, the armored warlord of Shadow Isles punched the Weedguy, making him explode into a million particles of sunlight. Mordekaiser screamed as he shielded his eyes from the light, the remaining Weedguys turning to him with their muscles bulging.
"Is that… a challenger?"
"It must be. He must be challenging us to a fight to the death."
"There's no other reason."
"Indeed. He is a true warrior of the fists if he can instantly defeat Ralph Polo like tha-"
Mordekaiser rushed over to punch the remaining Weedguys in the garden. Some of them managed to maneuver his attack, only to get smashed apart by another quick punch the iron man threw out. There was no pattern to the Iron Revenant's attacks; he just kind of flailed his arms and things around him started dying, so he spammed the same thing over and over.
But then finally, one powerful foe emerged. Raising an arm, the last Weedguy blocked one of Mordekaiser's punches at full force. Pulling its fist behind itself, the plant abomination sent an uppercut that managed to graze against the Shadow Isles warlord's helmet.
The lord of undead thrusted a knee to kill the Weedguy, but it retaliated by leaping from the ground and using the force of the knee kick to propel over Mordekaiser and kick his helmet.
"Why the heck are you the only competent one?" The Master of Metal genuinely asked.
"Do you honestly think that anybody actually cares about this entire thing?"
"Point taken."
Charging forward once more, the lord of undead raised a fist and sent out a powerful lunge, smashing apart the last Weedguy into sunlight particles. He screamed in agony as he rushed over to Zyra, panting due to all the explosions of light he had to look into whenever he took down one of the Weedguys.
And there were fifteen Weedguys. That meant fifteen explosions of pure light blasting into his eyes.
"I slaughtered them all," Mordekaiser growled. "Happy?"
With a small smile remaining on her face, the red-haired plant manipulator nodded. "Wow, Morde, good job!" Vi exclaimed as she clapped with her gauntlets. "Way to do all of the work by yourself!"
"To reward you for your efforts," Zyra said as she reached for a small pouch on her, "I have prepared two tacos."
"Give them to me! I'll-"
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
"…Those aren't tacos."
Holding two bag of taco-shaped chips in front of him, Zyra grinned as she gave them a brief shake. "Here," she said as her grin steadily grew wider. "Your tacos."
Vi hastily snatched a giggling Zyra and ran out of the garden as Mordekaiser started slamming his mace around the entire garden out of raw anger. During his rampage, he accidentally smashed an unsuspecting Teemo near the Champions' Break lobby into a water fountain.
Author's Notes:
If you haven't noticed yet, profanity inside dialogue has been uncensored. If this change bothers you, feel free to tell me.
Next chapter – "Sona, Maven of Quintessence!" Soon featuring the Demacian crew's grand re-debut.
-NK-