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The rest of the week passed quietly. Rory went to work, glad to be doing inventory in the back, away from other people, and did not venture much outside the house. She accompanied her mother once to Luke's and, though Jess was not there, reminder of him was stark and Rory made an excuse to go home early. Friday Night dinner was smooth, if uncomfortable, Rory and Emily on their best manners and conversation strictly kept to mundane topics. Rory spent the weekend in her room, pulling old books off the walls and reading her way through them. The tomes had once been her greatest friends yet Rory felt like an unfamiliar guest as she slowly read the opening lines, pages she hadn't turned in years. There were certain books she'd forgotten that she owned, yet as she looked at the covers memory returned, hidden in a corner at Stars Hollow Books, a special deal online or a rare find at a book fair. Rory would beg Lorelai for extra allowance who would sigh, say books were more expensive than she was but would always give Rory the money, a proud smile on her face. Rory let the books drop. She remembered the evening Jess came over, the first time they met, and how he'd ran his fingers over her novels. Aren't we hooked on phonics. He'd claimed not to read much, bailed on dinner but when he caught up with Rory the next night he returned the book he'd surreptitiously loaned, notes in the margins and a grin on his face. Rory knew, for the first time, she'd met someone who knew her passion to read and, furthermore, could match it. She'd felt a twinge of excitement, a smile on her face as he frowned in confusion and then called Oliver Twist! She'd kept the smile the whole way home and, when Lorelai asked what she was so happy about, Rory said there was a deal on stationery in the store. It felt like a very long time ago.

With the books piled unsteadily on the bed, Rory turned to her desk. There wasn't anything she particularly wanted but she absently pulled the drawer open, wondering what curiosities were inside. There were a few gum wrapper necklaces Rory recalled making with Lane, the summer they were eight, a calculator, various notepads which revealed, unexcitingly, trig notes and algebra. At the very back of the drawer was a large piece of paper which Rory unfolded to find, to her embarrassment, a map of Fairyland she'd copied from a book at the age of ten. It was the same time she'd tried to tempt a fairy with a peanut butter sandwich and Rory blushed to see her childish handwriting exclaim Babette's tree stump is really a fairy ring! I wonder if she knows? She remembered how Babette and Morey let her sit out there for hours, never laughing at her, and, when she finally gave up Babette had seriously said to her that maybe the fairy was shy and Rory shouldn't take it personally. Rory left the sandwich outside, in case, and the next day it was gone. Babette said she and Morey couldn't stand peanut butter and it had to have been the fairy and it was only a few years later that Lorelai confessed to sneaking out and eating it, keeping the magic alive for as long as she could. Rory smiled in memory.

She folded the paper back up and as she reached to put it back in the drawer Rory noticed something at the back. She saw that it was a set of photos, taken during the long-forgotten age of disposable cameras, when you had to wait a week to see if you'd managed to take anything which didn't have a thumb or stray hair in the frame. Rory smiled as she opened the packet to see herself aged sixteen. Lorelai had gotten hold of the camera and Rory had a pained smile on her face, book in hand, from where she'd been surprised at the table. Rory remembered the day now, Lorelai making quips about smiling for the camera until she'd grabbed it from her and, indeed, Lorelai was in the next shot, striking a pose and pulling a pout. A flick through the rest showed Lane surrounded by her CD collection, evidently when Mrs Kim was out of the house, and then one of her and Lane together, sitting on the steps of the gazebo with their arms around each other. The sky behind them was blue and they had wide, carefree smiles on their faces, a bag beside them which probably held a book for Rory and a secret CD for Lane. Lane was wearing her black-framed glasses which Rory had nearly forgotten about and they both wore large, woollen sweaters which hung baggily over their chests. Rory remembered how Lorelai used to tease her about her wardrobe, how she never wore anything the least bit fitting and Rory would blush. For a long time she never thought about her figure.

Rory put the photo away and stared in surprise at the next one. It was her at Chilton, sitting on a desk in one of the classrooms, dressed in her summer uniform. Rory couldn't remember the day at all nor why she'd have taken her camera there, but there she was, a poster about Shakespeare in the background. Rory's face was still childishly round and her hair hung long and loose around her shoulders. Rory couldn't think why she'd had her photo taken, nor who would have taken it. She'd hardly have handed it to Madeline and Louise and she wouldn't have asked Paris, would have made some scathing remark. Rory frowned at the picture. She was hugging a book to her chest, her bright yellow backpack just in shot. She knew where it was taken at least, the Literature classroom, Max Medina's class and Rory remembered how he'd encouraged her when she'd started, helping her catch up. The girl in the photo had no doubt about that. She'd caught up, was going to graduate Chilton, go to Harvard and follow her dream and Rory bit her lip on the look on her younger face. She looked at the rest of the photos, her and her mother having fun in town meetings and at Luke's, and then suddenly felt tired. Rory put the photos back in the packet and into the drawer. She didn't feel like looking at the past any longer.

On Monday Rory drove to the doctor's. Hartford looked sleepy, wilting in the warmth and Rory saw people in the waiting room fanning themselves with magazines, halfheartedly battling the heat. She was glad when it was time to go in and immediately accepted the cold glass of water Doctor Moran offered.

"How are you?" she asked, once Rory was sat down. Rory sipped the water.

"I'm hot."

Doctor Moran laughed and Rory added,

"This is my least favourite time of year."

"How so?"

"It's too warm. When I was a kid, I'd hide in my room or lie on the bridge with a book, just waiting for summer to be over."

"You didn't enjoy the free time?"

"No," Rory admitted. "I always loved the start of fall, when school started back up. I enjoyed the first couple of weeks, especially if I'd had finals, but after that I'd be bored. I missed school. Plus I'm jumpy, so Fourth of July makes me a wreck."

Doctor Moran laughed.

"You didn't go anywhere for summer break?"

"When I graduated high school my mom and I backpacked around Europe, and I went with my grandmother the year after that, but before that we didn't do anything. We couldn't afford to. Sometimes we'd take a road trip to the coast for a weekend, but we didn't go on vacation. My mom had to work."

The doctor nodded and Rory added uncomfortably,

"I didn't feel like I lost out. Sookie – my mom's friend – would always make way too much icecream and let me have as much as I wanted and Lane and I would go and eat them by the lake. We swam there sometimes too – well, we paddled. We didn't like getting in too deep."

"Lane's your friend?"

"My best friend," Rory said. "I've known her since I was a little kid. Haven't I told you about her?"

"Perhaps in passing."

"I met Lane the first day of Kindergarten," Rory said. "We were best friends ever since. We used to be inseparable."

"Are you still close?"

"We saw each other less when I went to college," Rory told her. "But I've seen her a lot since moving back."

"Did you miss her when you went to college?"

"Yeah. She was the friend who lived in my dorm for a while. I was so sad when she went."

"How did she come to live in your dorm?"

"Lane had this incredibly strict mother," Rory explained. "The kind who thinks dancing leads to drugs and rock music leads to the devil. Lane loves music. She hid it when she was a kid – she had this really incredible system, she should have worked for the FBI or something – and she joined a band. They booked a gig outside town and Lane knew her mother would never approve so she went without telling her. Her mom freaked, found all the music hidden in her room, and told Lane she had to move out. So she stayed with me until she found her own place."

"That must have been hard for her."

"Lane's tough," Rory said. "When we were kids, we'd lie on the bridge and talk about all the things we were going to do when we were grown-ups. Lane wanted to tour the world with a rock band and I wanted to be a foreign correspondent."

"I take she still lives here, if you see her a lot now?" guessed Doctor Moran. Rory nodded. "What happened to her plans?"

"Lane got married young," Rory said simply. "She fell in love with Zach, one of the guys in the band, and he proposed and they got married. She was twenty-two. Then on her honeymoon she got pregnant, with twins, and she couldn't tour after that. Zach did, for a little while, but Lane missed the band and they didn't book many gigs and gradually everyone found other jobs. Then Lane got pregnant again and the band kind of fell apart. Zach got a job in an office and Lane stays home with the kids."

"She never moved away?"

"No," Rory said, slightly sad. "Her mom only approved Seventh Day Adventist college and Lane hated it. She dropped out, when her mom kicked her out, and worked as a waitress. She toured with the band the summer after that but then she got pregnant. Zach's got a job here and her mom helps out. I don't think they'll ever leave town."

The doctor was silent and Rory remarked,

"It seems unfair, you know? All Lane wanted to do was see the world. She's an awesome mom and she loves her kids but I think sometimes she wishes it was different. I know she does, she told me in the bar."

"The bar? Was this at Yale?"

"No," Rory said, going red. "The other night. It was...it was bad."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I had a bad night," Rory said, feeling some sweat trickle under her arm. "I had a fight with Jess. Logan sent me a parcel with our rings and pictures in it and I starting thinking about what I was going to do, about the future, about what was happening with Jess and we yelled at each other. I took a cab to the most disgusting bar in the world, drank until I was sick and Lane came and picked me up."

The doctor looked at her and Rory said awkwardly,

"Guess that's what I should have told you when I got here."

"You don't have to tell me everything," the doctor said mildly. "Did the parcel come with a note?"

"Yes. Logan asked me to come back to California. I'm not going to, I don't want to...I just got hurt. It was awful. I'd felt okay, for the first time in...I don't even know how long and it wrecked everything."

"Rory," the doctor said gently. "Forgive me, but I think that even if you hadn't got the parcel something would have changed anyway. You're going through a big life change."

"Yeah, I know," Rory said quietly. "But it hurt. And Jess and I fought and we made up but he said we shouldn't see each other for a while."

The doctor looked at her sympathetically and Rory said miserably,

"It's been the worse week. He's right, I know he's right but I miss him. I miss just talking to him. I miss him and it's hot and I'm scared. I hate not having a plan and even...even when I was in California at least I knew where I was."

"Do you wish you were still married?"

"No," Rory said in frustration. "And I know how stupid I sound."

"I didn't say that, Rory."

"I feel stupid. I feel like I've failed. When Lane came to get me she said I was lucky, that it's good not knowing the future. She has hers mapped out and...and..."

Rory's voice faded and the doctor looked at her intently.

"What happened?" Rory asked angrily. "What happened to us? When we were kids and Lane would complain about her mom and I'd complain about some kid in school being a jerk we'd talk about how awesome things would be when we were eighteen. Lane was already practising playing drums on our pots and pans and I was reading Madame Bovary. Lane was going to leave town the minute she left Stars Hollow High and I was going to be just like Christiane Amanpour. I know things are harder than you think when you're a kid but nothing came true. Lane moved a block away from her mother and I'm divorced and living with mine. And when I wasn't, I was wishing I'd never got married and telling myself I didn't really think that. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could change things for both of us."

Rory sat back, exhausted with effort. The doctor was quiet for a moment.

"Things don't change overnight, Rory," she said eventually. "You've acknowledged that your marriage wasn't working out and walked away, that's a big achievement. You could have stayed."

"What I could have done," Rory said unhappily, "is have said no to Logan, when he proposed, and never gone to California."

"Yes, you could have but you didn't. There isn't any use thinking about what could have happened if you'd chosen something else, because you can't change things. All you can do is work with what you have, learn from this. Be a person."

Rory was quiet and the doctor added, in a slightly kinder tone,

"I know it's easier said than done. I know it's very human to rake over the past, but it's not healthy to obsess. Rory, it's alright to feel sad and angry and ask for help."

"I told Jess I needed space," Rory said, her throat suddenly tight. "And now I...now I feel lonely."

"Anyone would. That doesn't mean it was a bad decision."

"It's hard, though," Rory countered and the doctor nodded in silent agreement. Rory thought and cautiously said,

"I feel guilty talking about it with Lane."

"Why?"

"Because she's right, I'm lucky. I feel bad. I don't know how she feels, I don't know how to help when she's sad. I listen and we go for coffee but that's all."

"Perhaps that's all you can do. Listening is a great help. Does she have other friends, friends with children?"

"I don't think so. She tries taking the twins to activities sometimes but they can be kind of wild and she's so busy making sure they don't wreck anything she doesn't talk to anyone else. And most of the moms are older."

"She sounds a little isolated."

"When we were kids," Rory told her, "we only had each other. When I had birthday parties, Lane was my only friend there – the only friend my age. Sometimes I'd ask kids in my class but they usually didn't come. I didn't care, though."

"Were you lonely?"

"No. Sometimes, but not for long. Lane was the only friend I needed, after my mom. When I was sixteen, my grandmother invited all these random kids from my school to a birthday party she threw for me and it was just – it was the worst night. Paris was there but we weren't friends then."

The doctor smiled and Rory found herself saying,

"I found a bunch of photos in my drawer, from when I was a kid. It got me thinking about things."

"Sometimes it's nice to look back," the doctor agreed. "Just as long as we don't live in the past."

Rory looked at her thoughtfully and Doctor Moran looked at the clock.

"I'll see you next week. Take care."

Rory drove back slowly and took her time walking back to the house. It was too warm to rush and Rory found Lorelai lying on the couch in shorts and a bikini, eyes closed and feet in a bucket of water.

"What are you doing?"

Lorelai jumped with a great splash.

"Jeez, my heart!" she exclaimed, sitting up. "You scared me."

"From your nap in the water?"

"Yeah, well, I'm too hot. I was imagining myself somewhere more exotic. Free afternoon and it's too warm to do anything. How was the doc?"

"Fine."

Rory folded her arms, privately thinking that the bucket of water wasn't that bad an idea. She looked at her mother and then suddenly turned and went into her bedroom.

"Is that it?" Lorelai called. "We're having two sentence conversations now? That's sad."

Rory returned with the packet of photos and got out the one of her at Chilton, showing it to her mother.

"Old school pictures," Lorelai remarked. "Oh, you look cute!"

"I can't remember who took it," Rory said in frustration. "It's bugging me."

"I took it."

Rory looked at Lorelai, lost.

"You took it? When did you go to Chilton with me?"

"I didn't go with you, silly. It was a parent-teacher day. We were going over finals plans before you finished your sophomore year."

Rory gazed at the girl in the photo, the day slowly emerging in her mind.

"Remember?" Lorelai prompted and Rory nodded.

"Yes," she said, handing the picture to her mother. "It's all coming back to me. I remember it all."