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Over the next couple of weeks life settled into a rhythm. Rory worked, went to see Lane and dutifully attended Friday Night Dinner. The only disruption to this was Logan emailing, once, twice, three times, refusing to let Rory be. At first his emails were friendly, cajoling Rory to reply and then the tone became more impatient, his cheerful opening of Ace erased. Rory finally replied, asking him to leave her alone, and switched off the computer. She sat down on the bed and sighed. The weather was cooler, it was almost the end of summer, but Rory still felt suffocated in the room. She stared around at all her travel posters, gondolas bobbing gently in Venice, and remembered how she used to look at them, determined to see it all. She had, yet Rory still felt restless. The world felt out of reach.

On Monday Rory walked languidly around the town square. Stars Hollow had always felt comforting, like a mug of cocoa and a warm sweater, yet now it was like a favourite piece of clothing which had got too tight. Rory loved her town but now the memories seemed too familiar, the ghost of her younger self close by. She had only to close her eyes to remember the endless parade of ridiculous costumes she'd routinely humiliated herself with several times a year, all through her childhood and even her adolescence. Rory couldn't remember when exactly it had stopped, she supposed when she had gone to Yale. She hadn't been able to be the Icecream Queen that summer and, despite promising everyone she'd embarrass herself in some other way, she never had. Rory still returned for all the festivals, the important things in Stars Hollow's calendar, yet it was some other girl in the silly costume, asking everyone to donate to the town. Rory felt a little sad when she left for California, knowing it was well and truly in the past, but decided to focus on the future. Rory hadn't reckoned on the future sending her back here and she felt strange walking around the old streets. Only last week Taylor had asked her if she wanted to join the team at The Soda Shoppe, for weekend work. It felt like some kind of joke.

Rory settled down on one of the benches in the gazebo. Across the street she could see Miss Patty leading a dance class, gesturing with her cane. Dancing was something she had always failed at, during the brief time Rory had attempted ballet, though not for lack of effort. Rory spied two little girls wobbling uncertainly, tutus trembling. One fell and as Miss Patty checked her over Rory walked away.

Rory pushed open the door to Luke's, automatically checking the diner as the bell jangled over her head. Jess wasn't there and Rory felt the simultaneous rush of disappointment and relief she'd felt all week. She hadn't seen him at all since their agreement to take some time and Rory walked over to the counter, smiling awkwardly at Luke.

"Hi."

"Hi, Rory," Luke said, putting his cloth down. "How's...how are you?"

He spoke cheerfully but his eyes were filled with concern and Rory bit her lip, wondering how much he knew.

"Fine," she said automatically. "Could I have some coffee?"

"Sure. Are you staying here or should I make it to go?"

"To go," Rory said apologetically. "I have to head to Hartford."

"Right," Luke said, not asking any further. "I'll make that up for you now."

Rory watched him switch on the machine and fetch a cardboard cup. The whirr of it was deafening and Rory quickly asked,

"How's Jess?"

She'd said it while the machine was still drumming, so if she lost courage she could pretend to have asked something else. Luke was silent and for a moment Rory wondered if he was pretending too but then he turned around and said gently,

"He's fine."

Rory exhaled.

"Good. That's good."

"He's still in Philadelphia," Luke told her, looking at her carefully. "He normally comes back for the weekend but he said business has been busier lately, which is good, I guess. He was in New York last week."

"Yeah...you want business to be busy. Busy business is good."

Rory blushed but Luke simply smiled and nodded. He turned back to the machine, which had finished its steady pour, took her cup and placed a plastic lid on it before handing it to Rory.

"Thanks," Rory said. She was about to get up when Luke hesitated, making her sit back down.

"I know it's none of my business," Luke said, "what went on between you two, but..."

Rory felt her cheeks go red as Luke coughed.

"And I know – well, it doesn't matter what I thought. I'm sorry, Rory."

"That's okay," Rory said quietly. She clutched the coffee tightly, despite it being hot against her hand.

"And if you wanted to talk..." Luke's voice faded in embarrassment. "Well. I know I'm not really one for advice, but...hell, I'm no good at this."

Rory smiled.

"You're better than you think."

Luke nodded, looking relieved.

"I do have a teenage daughter. She's helped some."

"I wouldn't give April all the credit," Rory said kindly. Luke grinned self-consciously.

"I really should get going," Rory said, after a pause. "Thanks, Luke, for the coffee and – thank you."

"That's okay," Luke said, back to his brief manner. "I'll tell Jess you came by."

Rory froze and he hastily added,

"Unless you don't want me to."

"No, it's okay," Rory said, trying to sound composed. "Why wouldn't I want you to?"

Luke shrugged and Rory slid off the stool.

"I really need to go," she said, glad to have an excuse. "Bye, Luke."

"Bye, Rory."

Rory hurried to the car, the coffee steaming in her hand. She drank it in one, enjoying the scalding sensation in her throat, discarded the cup and drove straight to Hartford before the caffeine wore off. She had to forgo last week's appointment as Doctor Moran had a medical emergency – ironically enough, she had told Rory on the phone.

"Rory," greeted Doctor Moran. "How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm okay."

"Less hot this week," Doctor Moran agreed. "I don't have to worry about my patients suffocating in the waiting room."

Rory laughed politely but felt a twitch of anxiety. Doctor Moran noticed.

"How are you really?" she asked as Rory settled down. "How are you feeling?"

Rory shrugged and the doctor looked at her, waiting for Rory to elaborate.

"I don't know," she said eventually. "I don't feel as sad, I guess. Logan emailed me three times but I didn't feel as bad as when I got his package."

"What do you mean, less bad?"

Rory sighed inwardly. These were the moments where she wished she was talking to her mother or Lane, who let a simple statement be.

"When Logan sent me the parcel, I felt awful. I felt like I wanted to cry."

"And now you don't?"

"It still hurt," Rory said. "But I didn't feel like he was right there anymore, telling me what to do. I didn't freak out."

"Do you feel pleased about that?"

"No," Rory said, surprising herself. "Not really."

"How so?"

"I don't feel as desperate," Rory told her, "but I feel stuck. I almost feel like I did in California. Not as badly, but I feel weird. I feel like I'm meandering."

Doctor Moran looked at her thoughtfully.

"Could you explain a little more?"

"I love my town," Rory said. "I still love my town, but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel – not wrong, exactly, but weird being back here. I feel like everywhere I go I'm thinking about who I used to be. Looking at those pictures I found made me feel so screwed up. Everything's screwed up."

The doctor looked at her and Rory fought the lump in her throat, silently adding I really miss Jess.

"It's a screwed up time, Rory," Doctor Moran said. "To put it bluntly. It has to be."

"I know," Rory said in frustration. "And I know it would be a lot worse if I'd gone to California, but at least..."

She stopped herself and said awkwardly,

"Never mind."

"I'd like to know."

"At least I'd be somewhere new," Rory confessed. "Which is stupid because I'd rather live here than California."

"It's not stupid. Interesting, but not stupid."

"It is stupid," Rory argued. "I was so unhappy there."

"You're living in your childhood town," Doctor Moran said. "Did you ever think you'd do that when you were younger?"

"No," Rory said. "It's not what I wanted to leave, but I wanted to see things. I wanted to see the world. I put up travel posters the minute Mom and I moved into our house."

The doctor nodded and Rory said quietly,

"I feel like I'm failing."

"Rory, life is a lot more complicated than what we plan as children," the doctor said gently. "It's not a failure to have gone to your mother after your marriage didn't work out. Life isn't a series of tick boxes."

"I know, it's just – when I took time off Yale, I said living with my grandparents would be temporary," Rory said. "I stayed for six months and I never planned it being that long. What if this isn't temporary?"

"This is a very different situation."

"I know, but I'm scared I'll wind up staying home forever. I feel so anxious, I'm constantly thinking about what I should have done."

The doctor opened her mouth and Rory cut in.

"I know it's not what about I should have done," she said, beating her to it. "But I can't help it. I look at all the books I used to read and I can't get into them. I feel sad."

"That's very natural."

"I know, but it hurts. I found a folder of all the articles I wrote for the school paper last week and I couldn't look at it. It's hard just looking at the posters on my walls. I miss feeling like I could go explore."

"Why can't you?"

Rory looked up in surprise.

"What?"

"Why don't you?" Doctor Moran asked reasonably. "Why not travel? What's holding you back?"

"I..." Rory recovered speech. "I can't just do that."

"Why not?"

"It's what you do when you leave school," Rory said, flailing. "When you're a teenager."

"Says who?"

"I can't just take a trip!"

"Why can't you just take a trip?" Doctor Moran asked. "It's pretty sad if we think the world stops existing the moment we turn twenty."

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I'm getting divorced," Rory said, struggling to explain. "I'm back at home, I'm trying to figure things out – I can't just go on vacation."

"I'm not suggesting you simply lie on a beach for three weeks, drinking cocktails," Doctor Moran said and then, with a smile, "though if you wanted to I don't see why not."

Rory stared at her and Doctor Moran said,

"Rory, you're young, you're healthy and you're able. You don't have children, you don't have responsibility tying you here. I'm not suggesting you go away and become a nomad, simply that you could go away, if you wanted to. There's no reason why not."

"I've already travelled. I've been to Europe twice, and Asia."

"Europe and Asia still exist," the doctor teased. "And there's a lot more of the world."

Rory mulled this over and the doctor asked,

"Don't you want to discover it?"

Rory asked weakly,

"Where would I go?"

"That's up to you. Wherever you wanted to go."

Rory sat, reeling.

"I've never travelled on my own."

"Now would be a perfect time," Doctor Moran said with a smile. "If you wanted to."

Rory didn't reply and Doctor Moran asked,

"Do you?"

"I don't know," Rory said slowly. "I could afford it, it's not that, it's just – it feels like I'd be running away."

"Why?" the doctor asked. "What from?"

"Responsibility."

"What kind? You don't owe Logan your presence, your mother is, from what you've told me, young and healthy."

"I don't have a job," Rory said. "I mean, I do, but not a good job. Shouldn't I concentrate on that?"

"Yes," the doctor agreed. "But I wouldn't call it irresponsible to take, say, a couple of months out for you. You told me how unhappy you were because you felt like you were pretending to be a wife, trying to be part of something you no longer wanted."

Rory looked at her curiously and Doctor Moran continued,

"Now you are unhappy that you are somewhere surrounded by memories, somewhere you no longer wish to be. I would say it was healthy to take some time concentrating on yourself, somewhere where you aren't judging who you are."

"I don't know how easy that is," Rory remarked. "It sounds...it sounds wonderful, but crazy."

"Why is it crazy? Go where you always wanted, write down what you see. Isn't that what you always wanted to do?"

Rory smiled in spite of herself and the doctor said,

"We don't have to stop exploring as we get older, Rory. Life isn't a list of requirements."

"I should try to escape?"

"That's not the word I'd use. I think you need some time and, if that's what you want to call it, a healthy escape. I'm not suggesting you go away and never come back, escape in the literal sense. You should try to concentrate on yourself, what you want, without constantly putting pressure on yourself."

Rory was silent and Doctor Moran said seriously,

"It's up to you, of course. I won't say you've let yourself down if you haven't, or that you should go no matter what. All I'm saying that if you wanted to, there is nothing to stop you. Make it your own way, Rory. That's all."

Rory smiled, nodded and her eyes landed on the photos of children on the desk.

"What was your emergency last week?" she asked, reminded of Doctor Moran's phonecall. "I'm sorry, I forgot to ask. I'm rude. Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," the doctor laughed. "My youngest niece broke her ankle during baseball practise and her mom was in Boston."

Doctor Moran picked up one of the photos, showing a small girl with blonde hair.

"That's her."

"Who are the other kids?"

"Her brother and sister."

"Oh," Rory said in surprise. "Right."

"No, I don't have children," the doctor said, reading her mind. "I'm happy just to be an aunt."

"My sister-in-law's going to have a baby soon," Rory remarked. "Or, my ex-sister-in-law, I guess. I don't know if – I liked her. We were friends, sort of. I'd like to still be an aunt, if she'd let me."

The doctor nodded and, without planning to, Rory said,

"I thought I was pregnant, last year. I wouldn't have had it. I was glad I wasn't."

"Yes," said Doctor Moran. "I know the feeling."

The women smiled across the desk at each other and Rory got up to go.

"Thank you," she said genuinely. "I mean it."

"I know you do."

Rory's mind was in a whirl. Instead of driving straight home she walked around Harvard in a daze. She bought a coffee and Panini but barely remembered to bite it, her mind lost on the doctor's words. Could she just go and travel? Should she just leave? It seemed crazy but, as Doctor Moran had said, not impossible. There was nothing to stop her. Rory finished her lunch and drank her cold coffee before wandering around the town, slipping into a bookstore and buying an atlas of the world. She knew she could look at it all online but Rory needed something tangible and she sat with it propped open on her knees in the car, tracing her finger over endless arrays of maps, terrain not travelled.

Finally she drove back three hours later, after calling her mother to assure her she hadn't crashed on the way home. She and Lorelai ate a simple dinner of Chinese food and Rory kept what Doctor Moran had suggested to herself.

"I'm going to read for a while," Rory said, getting up from the table. Lorelai pointed at the heavy atlas in Rory's bag.

"So I see. What's that?"

"Just something I picked up in Hartford," Rory said simply. "Half price."

Lorelai frowned but didn't ask further as Rory dragged the tome into her room. Rory lost herself in the maps, glancing up now and then at the posters on her wall which suggested adventure rather than failure. She finally put the book down two hours later, her head heavy. It was dark out but still warm and Rory felt like she could use some air.

"I'm going for a walk," she called. "Want to come?"

"I'm okay," Lorelai called, to Rory's relief. "I've got some numbers for the Dragonfly to tackle."

Rory picked her purse and headed out. It was finally cool enough for a sweater, even if it was just a light one, and Rory slipped on a cardigan. The air had the sweet, sugared taste to it of late summer and Rory could feel the edge of fall. It would be her birthday in two months. Rory felt an odd kind of nervousness she hadn't felt in years. She didn't feel happy, exactly, like she had as a child, but she felt excited at entering a new age in her life. Since growing out of childhood parties Rory had lost some of the enthusiasm of turning a year older. Birthdays had always been fun but she remembered, at age eleven, saying I'm a year older. So what? I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. Lorelai had admonished her and, for the first time, Rory felt she knew what her mother was trying to say.

The town was dark and Rory walked in a slow circle, not knowing where she was going. She made her way to the edge of the lake and onto the bridge, where she and Jess had stolen several hours as teenagers, slipping hands under shirts but never getting too carried away. Someone could see Rory had always argued, ignoring her impulse that she didn't care. The water was still. Rory picked up a pebble and threw it in the lake where it landed with a satisfying plop, sending ripples everywhere. Rory watched until they dispersed. She was idly considering going to the diner when suddenly had the sensation someone was behind her. She slowly turned around and jumped. Jess was leaning awkwardly against a tree trunk.

"Sorry," he said. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"What are you doing here?" Rory asked, heart thumping. "Aren't you supposed to be in Philadelphia?"

"Just got back."

"Oh really," Rory said, trying to keep her voice steady. "How was traffic?"

"Rory." Jess took a tentative step towards her and Rory demanded,

"How long were you there?"

"Just a minute. Rory, can we talk?"

"About what?" Rory said shortly. "Haven't we said all we need to say?"

"I miss you," Jess said steadily. "I really – the last few weeks have been hell."

Rory was silent and, unable to stand his stare, Rory admitted,

"I miss you too."

Jess nodded and she said,

"Jess, nothing's changed."

He exhaled, leaning back but not looking away.

"I know."

"So, if nothing's changed," Rory said roughly, "it doesn't matter if we miss each other or not."

"It does matter!" Jess exclaimed, standing up straight again. "Of course it matters, Rory!"

"Then what can we do?"

Jess was silent for a moment and finally said,

"Can't we try? I'm not saying we should go out or have sex or – can't we try and be friends?"

Rory gave him a long look in the moonlight.

"There's so much we don't know," she said eventually, "about us."

"Rory," Jess said seriously, "I know you better than anyone."

Rory stared at him and before she could try and say something, anything, about what she felt and what Doctor Moran had said that the sound of instruments filled the air. She and Jess jumped and saw, on the street opposite, Taylor leading a brass band for his Late Summer Madness day at The Soda Shoppe.

"Isn't it past his bedtime?" Jess joked. Rory stepped away.

"I have to go, Jess," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Rory –"

"I'm glad Philadelphia went well," she told him. "Busy business is good, right?"

Jess frowned and, without trying to explain, Rory went straight home, took a shower and fell into strange dreams of travelling, avocado and Jess and she slept through her alarm the next morning .